Warrior – Short fiction

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In Christ alone all hope is found – Legendary words that the warrior wrote in his notes to cherish, believe and feed his spirit with#

He was a warrior.. forged through the most intense fires that could beset a man, a warrior constructed through life’s hardest internal pains, a soldier who knew the wicked evil curse that had been cast upon all lands, men and women.., but yet he fought, he never gave in and he never accepted evil of any kind or sort… He was a warrior for GOD.., always battling the evil that nefariously and insidiously found human agency to work for its horrific causes.., The warrior was no ordinary man, he could read the undercurrents of groups of men, he could sense with immediacy the lurking of danger.., he could even sense the Holy Lord’s intent, thoughts and messages for mankind.., The warrior saw things that most people could never be aware of, he spoke of mysterious,terrifying truths that he received when he was on his watch tower high up in the hills, his knees deep in prayer.., interceding, battling, pleading#

God had gifted him an ability so powerful that it only activated itself when he was in the thick and thin of ferocious, fierce warfare, until then he would never know that he had such a capacity, such a will and such a determination of heart. The Good Lord did not want him to suffer the conceit that falls upon all heroic men, that they were immortal. The warrior was created with weaknesses that drew him towards His Lord.., the warrior only viewed his strengths as something that would give his Lord Joy and Happiness regarding him. The warrior was a hyperactive soul, not content with complacency, always eager to challenge the hyper-doctrinal man centeredness that found its way into the Lord’s words.., he was always eager to challenge the strongman of a territory.., he bowed to no idols, matter of fact he warred against them.., he sought to destroy any such idol in his life.., he bound up wicked devils, he hated what the Lord hated.., sure the warrior was a man who had weaknesses.., but he hated them and leaned on His Lord to fight his wars. The warrior had integrity and honor for no matter how valiantly he fought, he always gave the entire credit to His Master.., He did not do it to be selfless.., he did it to honor his Master, to exalt the power and grace of his Master.., and to praise, worship and allow other men to revere his Master.

Only the Lord blessed men with victories that really stood out, there were victories that men celebrated and raved about and then there were victories that impressed itself in men’s minds and made them revere God, and made them recognize the power of God. The warrior knew real well that he had to stir up belief in men’s minds and hearts.., to do so he had to constantly plunge into the realms of risk, of danger and of personal threat.. The warrior was created to make men know God, that was his life’s calling, he was no mortal.., he was created to be immortalized for all that he revealed about the Great God that all men pretended to not be aware of.

This ability to decipher truths about one’s soul as one experienced feelings, senses, emotions, thoughts in one’s heart and mind was something that the warrior knew well. He believed in his heart of hearts that he had to praise, honor and make God known in all the good things of his life, in the bads he would wrestle, question, sulk and argue in misery.., but never exceed the boundaries that he had kept for his mouth towards His Godly lover. He was distraught at the loss, being the competitive minded man that he was, he wanted a clean performance.. during those moments the Lord would remind him of the glorious rewards of defeat.., chiefly introspection, gratefulness, rejoicing in trials and tribulations and renewing of strength…, the warrior usually got back up and allowed the pain of memory to strive even greater, even further and make more glorious attempts for the sake of His Master who ruled the world sovereignly.

At times the warrior suffered intense, immense anguish.., questions regarding his finite strength when it was pitched against the mighty, vast and powerful kingdom of darkness hidden in men’s lives in plain sight emotionally pushed him into an internal pit that he could not find the footing to come out of. The warrior was attacked with just plain, indecipherable reality and then the devils would mock and curse at him as he suffered the pain that cursed life because of sin.., the deaths, the murders, the meaningless wicked deeds done without honor in plain sight.., the horrors that he had to hear, imagine and know.., the inability to forget what he discovered.., the sights of pain, of death and of violence.., the warrior suffered immensely with the inability of his heart to cope with such traumatic events.., and yet the warrior was a man born to fight, born to slay within himself that which was against Gd.., and gave humble orders to Angelic Rulers to attack and accompany his wars with the wicked god that this world had chosen for itself.., The Warrior would fight and avenge the innocent, the brutalized, the victimized, the forgotten, the ones who were taken advantage of.., the warrior would fight and fight.., until his Lord asked him to stop and close his eyes. The warrior was alive only to allow His Lord to rescue lives and in this was his life’s calling, heights and sole purpose#

A thousand years – Short fiction

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How can you be so sure..? I asked her
How can I be the one..? I don’t have a job… how will I take care of you..? I am afraid of taking you outside because I am fearful that something might happen to you.., I sleep in the mornings, I work with people who use me, I I call myself a writer, an artist and a anguished soul but the truth is that I can never write without feeling pain.., I am afraid that I am not who I say I am.., I am afraid to see myself without the talents that I have been so obsessed with for so many years that I am afraid to see myself in the way that everybody else sees me.., as somebody who should’ve given up and just did something that brought in money.., All my life I’ve only been tormented by appearing less than what I have always presumed about myself. I’m a wounded soul , I am afraid of hurting you by treating you normally, ordinarily.., what if we grew tired of each other..? Bored of each other..? What if your feelings for me will change..? What if you suddenly meet somebody more dashing.., handsome and more worthy of you..? Please don’t settle for a loser like me.., I begged her again.

She said, Come one step closer.
I have waited for you, I know the man of my dreams when I see him, hear him talk and spend time with him.., I have saved my heart for you through the rain, through the fire, through the storm.., I know that its going to be hard, we might fight.., we might even not talk.., but I promise to love you through all of that, I promise to die trying.., I don’t want you to be happy Joseph.., I know that I can never do that, I am here to complete you and I want you to complete you.., we can work around your fears, your worries and your precious scars baby.., I have my own.., maybe they can make us love each other deeply..? Truly..? More truthfully..? She said with such tender emotion, I felt my resistance melting, my heart beginning to wonder, dare I say even hope..?

I don’t deserve you.., I don’t.., I have nothing.., you hear me.., I am an undeserving, stubborn, bone headed jerk who always receives unfair luxuries.., I’d much rather choose a life of misery, strain and constant pain than to make you lose hope in me.., because that is what will happen when you live with me sweetheart.., It will probably crush me to see you with somebody else.., but at the very least they can give you the life that you deserve.., You’re worth so much more than wasting your life with me and for me.., I can’t allow you to throw away your chances and your life.., you deserve the best.., you deserve great things, good things.., wonderful things.., I am just a magnet for hardships, pains and suffering.., don’t come near me.., please.., please go.., I begged her, pleading with her.

‘ But can’t you see..? That you are denying me of something that I had to wait patiently for over 25 years..? I didn’t ask for perfection Joe.., I asked for love.., I asked for a man who would love me, stay with me, want me, build a life with me.., I know that you are the one.., do you have any idea of the long nights of prayer that I had to do in order to draw you into the realm of my life..? Do you have any idea of the self control that I had to exert to wait for you..? The people that I had to avoid..? I love you baby.., I love who you are.., I love the wholeness of you.., I am not looking for perfection, I just want to be connected to the other half of my soul…, I just want somebody whom I can love without fear, without doubt and without care.., I want.., I want..

Yes.., yes.., I wanted her to say those words that I had been waiting to hear. But as I tried to lean closer to her, I felt her retreating, moving from me.., her flesh becoming like splashing waves.., her eyes melting like sapphire candles.., I felt my head hit something ‘ thwack’.., I opened my eyes and realized that it had all been but a romantic dream. Grrr#

The Ghost of her – Short Fiction

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” For the first time in my life as the music played I realized dimly that I had no one to think of, imagine for, feel as a part of my soul.., I was totally disengaged from pure notions of romance, instead I experienced such musical longings with dazed, emptied and free emotions.., strangely love was not something that I longer realized, relished much less believed in…”

Let’s just say that whatever expressions of affection, the dying, defeated, broken ones that my soul seems to cling on to.. ie the romantic kind are attracted towards her. Her, sounded like the sweetest hymn that inspired melancholic longings so ferocious and fierce that they seemed to make me sadder and sadder as I intensely re-entered the scars that she had left behind… Each time a contact full of promise failed I broke inwardly a little, I became a little more regressive, a little less hopeful and a lot more frustrated in a cognitive, invisible manner.

I am an asker of questions.., Why did she have to come into my life..? Why did she leave..? Why did she return back again..? I knew that there was a realistic nature towards the events that had transpired between the both of us which probably involved her doing what was best for her future, her life and her ambitions…, but being the loner that I am, I replay back the last great thrill of romantic tragedy that affected my life and my heart.

In my heart of hearts I knew that I probably did not inspire the kind of chemical reactions that she had inspired in mine.., I was probably not as attractive as the guys that she found attractive.., the cultural dresses that she grew up around was in stark contrast to what I grew up around, I was a flaming contradiction of paradoxes.., but who was she..? Beyond my acute exciting fear of her.., who was she really..? Why did I want her..? That singular question stumped me.., most of my life I had survived well and fine on my own, I was infamous for being close mouthed about everything and anything, but this pathetic need for somebody else was scaring me…, I had dealt with it in some way or the other for the past four years.., but still I hated appearing weak, vulnerable, needy and desperate..!

Sure she probably yawned, brushed, and snored like the rest of our lowly selves.., but why did this powerful need to immerse myself in the reality of her intoxicate, mystify and excite me..? Me the notoriously passive aggressive individual who waited until all the constellations would be right before he could gather up the appropriate courage to speak in a way that created an impression in a potential mate, life partner, girlfriend etc. My track record thus far was a disastrous one, filled to the brim with debacles, mishaps, painful one sided infatuations that never materialized into even a small hello over prolonged, painful years…, why did I still wish to attempt to fight against what had and will always be against me..?

Why does it feel sweet to imagine her to be my one and only..? Why does she seem, feel and appear sweet..? What if she was as cruel, aloof and deceitful as Summer in 500 days of Summer..? What invisible, learned, conditioned inner processes fuel a girl’s rejection..? How did I appear in her eyes..? What action of mine had the capacity to spark interest in her fierce, womanly self..? Why did I feel like she was the gasoline that met my fiery flames..?

She came in like the wind, unsaid, blowing mystical fragrance into the universe of my soul…, made me feel things that I believed had died when my last gf had dumped me after a year long complicated circus of pain, torment and endless strife not to mention hurt. She brought back the faith that I desired in love.., and yet she still remains outside my powers of persuasion, I am not good at accepting defeat, rejection and the word No…, it creates a pain so deep within me that I struggle to come to grips with what transpired, being the dreamer I think that she feels the same way I feel about her.

I hate how much of myself finds irresistible joy in her..! How could someone so petite, so innocuous, so naive and so controlling inspire the kind of interest that I have revealed..? How many hours have I spent in delighted inner reverie merely imagining my life intermingling with the mere presence of her..? How many guilty trips have I made to her Facebook profile..? To her Instagram..? Only to encounter the cold splash of reality of her avoiding, moving on and irately blocking my attempts to enter her life or whatever bits and pieces that I could find online.

I am growing, I can sense it in the occasional jerk in reality that I get as I receive flashes of the new mingling into the old. I see the airports,the dusty faces, the places that I moved within… I see my vision opening up, my old fears encountering the brimming power of new frames of colors bursting with joy…, I see everything, I observe everything and anything out of the context heavy crowd that I find myself in constantly. I view people as though I would be receiving a staggering revelation of something hidden within their lives.

I had run into her online. Not her personal self, but her shrine of her personal memories.. her activities and her passions.., encountering her had brought back in full effect the ghost of her.., always within me.., but never becoming life#

The Distance between her and I

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So close and yet so far,
the distance that exists between her and I.
She lives a few miles away,
but the distance between her heart and mine are a billion miles away,
I’m a curious seeker in my mind,
I just want to be able to understand,
How does she perceive..?
Does she go with her gut or does she go with her mind..?
How did she choose to move away..?
How does this world seem to her..?
Is her outer paraphrasing of reality inwardly feel bland..? Or is it Neurotic like mine..?
Perhaps it might be Acutely attached and sensitive like mine..?
Or does it repress information and focus selectively..?
Does she listen to music that excites the emotions..?
Or does she listen to music that intoxicates her imagination to dream..?
What prompted her to fall for that fair skinned, attractive extrovert and leave me – the dark skinned, shy dreamer..?
How does she reason it out..?
Switch sides..?
Act so cruel and yet pretend like it is for her best..?
Play dumb..?
How..?
How..?

Writer problems – Short poem

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Writers are a sad bunch,
They write stuff that is mostly make believe,
but is most often from longings that really did not work out for them,
and they are just spilling their guts using art and hiding it pretty well to say the least.
But they are forever revisiting their most intense heart aches and recreating it to feel better than it really did,
They often times use comedy to sound so cool,
but in all reality, the thing that they make fun of probably ripped their heart into two.., and now post trauma and a few years of rehabilitation on that soft, tender, naive soul they think that using comedy really has healed a scar whose pain just lessened over time.
Writers can see what most people feel but don’t have the guts to comprehend,
Writers write stuff that most people have repressed, forgotten or neglected,
A writer revisits his old demons, nightmares, fond memories, aches and wounds,
But he uses them to construct worlds where people can find solace, comfort, refuge,
but for him there is no refuge.., he faces his nightmares alone, his anguish alone and lives often just to tell the tale.

Piercing the darkness – Part One

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Yosef watched with mute keenness the entire scene. There were so many humans there, most of them would never realize the reality of their inner soul and it’s precarious position in the sight of the Lord. None of them would know that a similar fate would meet them if they did not repent of their inherent wickedness, spiritual rebellion and mindful sinfulness and accept the precious sacrifice of the Lord Jesus Christ done for the benefit of humanity.

No one would be able to see him, the Lord had tired of satan using the unseen realm to fool men into believing in stories that men’s imagination devised, during the days of Noah and Enoch, Lucifer had created grand displays of men’s imagination.. Giants had lived, and had invited men’s worship and awe… further deceiving themselves and falling deeper and deeper into the nature of their own minds, by claiming to be wise, they fell away and into the snares of the ancient dragon who led them all away from the one true God and into fables, myths and fantasies.. lucifer knew how to sense such imaginative and deep souls…, Most of them would be born either in the months of March, June, September or February.., he carefully read their imaginations because he had been granted access of the soul, when the Lord created man. Man’s soul stirred up strange imagery that murmured in the restless heart of a man deep in sleep, if only a man listened to his soul during his sleep..? But the Lord had purposefully concealed knowledge of their language from man’s wisdom, natural discernment and understanding… The Lord only wanted men to be saved from Hell, His End time Judgment and from His ferocious wrath in this age…The Lord had created man using mud, but the Lord in His tremendous all encompassing wisdom had generously granted men a bit of His spirit’s intoxicating eternal mystery.. this was what men called soul.., when men lost sight of earthly things and like a child believed in the Lord Jesus and His powerful resurrection and sacrifice.., their soul converted into a spirit…and in that spirit the Lord would reveal Himself in ways that the human mind with its limits could never fathom… The Lord did not intend for the father of lies to have access to man’s soul, but His truthful absolute made it possible for His absolute goodness as well…. The fall of man opened up the soul to the evil of the fallen one.., the ancient sinner… Yosef’s face grew grim as he thought of the horrendous evil that the Serpent had created all through the ages.. all because of the knowledge that he had stolen from Heaven.., Filthy robber.., his end was coming soon.., The Lord was just anxious to save as many souls as He could before the vile serpent would raise the final deception upon all of mankind… Even an evil would glorify the Lord ultimately, such is the Lord’s law.

His senses were used to the earthly pain by now, Yosef was deeply sad but he was an angel. He did not possess man’s flesh which created deep sorrow and suffering in the case of tragedy. Man’s pain was more acute because of the way in which the Lord had created an inner system of life.. Yosef meanwhile belonged to another realm, but his duties were always to watch, guard and protect against severe outbreaks of tragedy, pain and suffering…Yosef saw the different reactions in each soul that stood by the dead body, the medics were on their way, he could hear the sirens 5 kms away.., He knew the names of all the people in the crowd. There were 10 people besides Tim who had been viciously gunned down. The Lord enabled man to choose actions with his own free will.., and man always chooses evil, because apart from Christ all that man knows is the evil inside of him… but the Lord had in His great mercy granted men natural controls over the inner depravity so vast and unrealized in a man’s inmost being.. His heart without God’s presence was deeply wicked and sinful, Men’s hearts were always restless, wicked and without a thought of the actions that would be triggered by their indulgence in sin. Mankind did not realize that their indwelling sin was the reason for all the chaos, mess and vile ugliness in what had been God’s precious world… Yosef knew things beyond man’s wisdom, Yosef could only sadly smile at the proud and haughty thoughts of men who assumed themselves to be gods.., Yosef and his fellow brothers, the guardians of this world shivered and trembled as they thought of the truth that was hidden to all of mankind. Mankind were given too little information about Yahweh’s incredible Glory… Men on this planet tired of everything.., they would grow weary, restless and begin to search and scour for inner peace.., Never realizing that it is only in Jesus that the greatest love and solution of all that a man’s heart can feel is found in.. How tender was the Lord’s mercy towards these clueless rebels and condemned..?

Man did not have the power to realize the evil that was so piercingly pervasive in every inch, fiber and space of humanity and all her grandiose creations. Yosef wondered if he should separate the soul from Tim..? Tim’s father would be devastated.., his mother had left Tim’s father when he had been young.., She wanted to freely indulge in debauchery, she had listened to her heart and it had deceived her without her knowledge.., She had left to Las Vegas.., she had tried out every sinful indulgence over there, and was now trapped by the lusts for alcohol and immorality… Yosef knew intimate things about people, he could see the paths that they were choosing for themselves, he could see the deceiving spirits gleefully chaining people who lusted after the world and its pleasures and giving most people an illusion of control, freedom and independence… but the Lord had firmly closed her supply, her finances and her promiscuity by giving her health issues in her kidneys… Tim’s father was a Godly man.., crushed by his wife’s free spirited nature.. Steve struggled to stay afloat.., but that was when a local youth pastor, Joe had invited him to a Saturday evening concert and Service.. Steve’s life had turned radical, he found God’s power to forgive the grievous sorrow of losing his wife to the world.., he became a praying man.., and he spent many hours on his knees..Praying for his neighborhood.., he became a Prayerful Watchman for his neighborhood.. Zealously praying for the Lord’s will and Help to be available to the lost souls in his vicinity.., he even prayed zealously for his wife to find her way back to him.., he prayed for Tim endlessly, and the Lord had listened and had put in plan a sequence to save him.

Tim had wanted a coke and some hersheys, when Simon, the local gang-banger triggered to irritation by a spirit of aggression to strike fear in the drug infested neighborhood had opened fire at a local midnight store which had asian owners. Simon, had grown up poor.., he had slept on the sidewalks, his parents had divorced…his mother was a dope fiend and had neither the time nor the conscious recognition of him as her son, but a chance encounter with a drug dealer had altered his life forever.. Triggered deeply to never feel that shame, pain and sorrow.. Simon had struck fear in the heart of roswell neighborhood.. Driven by a maniacal pursuit of power.. Simon created a gang that spread drugs, violence and pain… Yosef remembered that the Lord had spoken many times to Simon’s conscience, but the local territorial spirit created calamities that struck a deeper fear into the heart of Simon, causing him to sink deeper into the mob life.

Caught by a barrage of bullets, Tim had fallen down, unconscious in a pool of his own blood. He had been dead for upto 10 mins by now.., passers by had shrieked in horror at the lifeless body, Stan the Asian who took care of the midnight store had forgotten the bullet sprayed windows.., he had rushed to Tim’s side and had called 911.., Yosef had seen Stan crying at the sheer injustice of it all, passersby had all been attacked by demonic hordes of terror, fear and indifference.. Many of them had run away.., Yosef could not believe their actions, but the devil’s hellions were working to create fierce divisions and factions within mankind.. even now he could see these demons so vicious, vile and violent spread lies into the hearts of the few people who stood there.. Yosef was a high ranking Angel, He had enough power to crush and send off these pathetic hellions scampering to the shady realm of the underworld… but the Lord had not spoken through the saints in Heaven…Yosef for now was to watch over and reduce in measure, the evil of this place… Why were mankind so foolish to not pray..? Did they not know that prayer opened up the floodgates of heaven..? Yosef could only observe what men’s freewill opened their unprotected lives upto.., Mankind rarely asked for the Lord’s help.., they were too caught up in some imaginary world of their own creation…He was sad.., Tim had just begun meeting Rosie.., Rosie was skeptical of her faith, but one of the reasons that their life paths crossed was to trigger Tim to deeper examine his faith as he saw Rosie’s excuses to not stand for Christ..,Only the Lord knew who He would save at all costs.., but the Lord treated everyone like the same, but once again there were deeper mysteries to the Lord’s plans that Yosef loved.., Yosef felt his heart swell as he thought about the Lord.., It was such an incredible honor to serve the true Master of the universe…Oh if only men could see the Lord, or even sense in their inner being His truths.. Yosef sighed.., happy that angels had been spared the fate of humans…but still determined to stand for the Lord’s cause for wicked, selfish humanity…Yosef knew that there had been a chance that the Lord would’ve sparked the lives of Tim and Rosie.. The Prayers of Tim’s father had protected Tim on many many occasions, but Tim had hardened his heart against the Lord since Tim felt that he could not believe in someone who had not done anything to unite his mother and father… Tim also lived in an unsafe neighborhood… murders, drugs and prostitution had hardened his heart and aroused anger at what he assumed was either a non existent fantasy or a detached God who hardly cared about His creation… Yosef could only think in awe of the Lord’s tender mercy as He saved billions and billions of ungrateful cowards, murderers, fornicators, sorcerers, selfish and godless mortals so dead in their sins… It was sad that Tim had never grasped Jesus strong enough in his life, despite the hundreds and thousands of chances that Yahweh had offered unto him.

(to be continued)

My Escape from Hell – A real account, Please Read:

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Friends., Hell is real. Friends let me repeat to you again, Hell is real. Let me reiterate another saving truth, ONLY JESUS SAVES.., ONLY JESUS SAVES.. Let me tell you how I learned of this truth in my life. My life is quite a big canvas, I must draw you to my life four years before I met Christ on my knees just before I was about to jump off of the fourth floor.
I was the son of hardworking parents. I always felt awe as I saw my parents work, earn respect and help many a lost soul. My love for them was based on how they were good to other people, I grew up with a compassion for people, and an attitude of wishing to help many a soul in this hard world. Our first home was a place of many fond memories for me. It was sandwiched between houses on both sides, but we had a idyllic garden behind our home, and spacious inner rooms filled with all kinds of electronic products and books that had been forgotten. But to a hyperactive kid, passionate and wired to play non stop, they were hidden worlds that needed exploration.., I spent most of my time exploring these neglected objects, investigating them and feeling a thrill course through my heart as I spent hours lost to my own company. I was a shy kid, a loneliness desiring kid.., as much as I enjoyed people.., In my alone time., I would dream, draw trees, stare for hours at the stars as my parents softly snored away, and enjoy the melancholy of my own heart and soul. I was a deep kid, I could sense things, objects, memories and spirits in places, people and objects that most people can never see, feel or know of. I have had many puzzling experiences from my youngest years, where I could sense disturbances so clearly in a place where everything felt fine. But I long more to talk to you about my lifelong fear of Hell, and my experience with the Lord regarding Hell.
Hell was ingrained to me by my parents from a young age. They never used it as a fear tactic, they never scared me with it or attempted to discipline me with it, but they talked to me about it and warned me that life without Jesus ensured Hell. For most of my life I viewed it as a normal experience, this healthy inner fear helped me obey God and always helped me to come back to Him as I drifted away as often as it happens in this life.
Possessed with a natural curiosity, I always drifted far from the righteous knowledge fed to me from a young age. In my early years, I sensed that my consciousness would prohibit a strong commitment to the Lord. I was young, tender hearted, shy and insecure who always felt a strong sense of being out of place in a world that never accepted, loved or wanted me. Apart from my parents, family and a few rare individuals.., I could sense deeply that I was not wanted by anybody.., I was never the most good looking, I was the weakest student academically, I hardly knew how to talk.., I was nervous, shy, afraid and confused by all that was happening around me… No girls openly enjoyed my company, my teachers were always focusing on my inabilities and punished me severely..often. At home, I felt sad as I watched my parents struggle against mighty waves and provide, I saw them sacrifice their health, their wellbeing and their peace in order for us to have a good life.., I felt burdened and responsible for their sufferings, for many many years, I walked around with an acute sense of sorrow, since I was not exactly a great investment. I was never good at anything, and the things that I loved, I was unable to be the best.., I only knew discouragement, failure, pain and sadness in those early years. But I always hid these in my heart, I had been mocked and teased for being physically weak and bullied, I wanted to project a tough image to others, I bore these and buried these within me, nobody would ever know what hurt me, or made me feel down.., I would find a way to overcome them. That was my mentality back then. I am talking about stuff that I felt 14 years ago.
I loved the Lord the first time that I met Him, I met Him first when I was 13 years old, I gave my life to Him immediately. A local evangelist by the name of R. Stanley told me that I had to become born again in order to know Jesus as Lord. I was puzzled by the language used since I did not exactly understand what it meant, but I sensed intuitively that it ensured that Jesus had a place in my heart, I emphatically nodded my head even though I was disturbed deeply by behaviors exhibited by christians at the local church. I never enjoyed feeling ignored, neglected and punished.., most of the so called christians that I knew only exhibited such traits.., many of them were crude, unforgiving, unkind people.. as much as it pleased me to offer my life to Jesus.., I worried if I would be able to live it out. Like always, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to. The heart always plans a deviation from serious responsibilities, and my heart likewise did the same. At the time that I gave my life to Christ, nothing spectacular happened.., but I felt a sense of strength in my love for Him..shortly afterwards the course of my life would change forever, I failed my eighth standard. In short I had to repeat it all over again, this reality would become my life for the next few years as I would repeatedly be warned, punished and verbally abused for never measuring up to the standard that everyone else was in. I was returning from a swimming class when I got the message that I had failed, It was not exactly a surprise, since studies bored me.., it felt too dull, uninspiring and dead. But still the realization that I would be demoted to a lesser class and study alongside younger people felt embarrassing to me. It would be humiliating, shameful and hurtful, I would be teased, insulted and shamed in public by certain bullies and I already had enough trouble making friends and becoming known.
I was already at the bottom of the food chain, this would publicly shame me in a way that would scar me for the rest of my life or so I thought. Like many other times in my life I wanted to run away, escape and be forgotten by all the people who had known my life thus far. I wanted another chance. And once again thoughts of Hellfire, Of demonic beings and God’s wrath percolated my inner being, scaring me deeply, warning me and once again leaving me after the message was conveyed
Boarding school was the new beginning. What began with nervous expectation quickly soured into yet another forgettable experience. What I received as abuse mentally in my former school, became physical in the next experience. Punishments, Late-comings, Failures, Extra classes, Harsh punishments again from the wardens, the teachers, etc was my life at boarding school. Obviously there were memorable friendships, innocent infatuations, cool experiences that refreshed my spirit, but my actions, my presence and the response that the law makers of that place had towards me shaped my reality and stay there, although things got better once I reached 12th grade.. Still life was hard, you had to clean your cot, your box, look after yourself, wash your clothes and wake up early morning at 5 for four solid years wihout excuse… I made it harder since I began to resist the whole experience, and became an outlaw of sorts who began to do things my way because after a while I discovered that some of the teachers enjoyed punishing me and disciplining me. As strong as I felt to rebel against the strict law keepers of my boarding school, I began to think of deeper things. My reality made me search for a deeper meaning and a deeper purpose quickly, at age 16 I was already wrestling with what mattered most in life, and with what was the meaning of life. I was a natural philosopher who spent long hours contemplating what I saw, what I felt and what I dreamt for. I chose for my company the fine trees, loneliness and books. My grades dropped, but my self awareness grew, my punishments grew but my inner courage and resilience grew deeper. My rebelliousness created a shift in my thoughts and attitude, for the first time in my life possessed of a natural instinct from within me I began to care less about what other people thought of me, and began to worry more about what I wanted. But still in the midst of such growing pains I would get reminders of Hell, of Jesus and of Judgment day. I would pause, feel warned and then change my ways.., but once again natural obstacles would discourage me and find a way to beat me until I submitted to a worldly form of thought.
I survived four years, passed through three colleges, learned more, suffered more, felt more, experienced more.., became a young adult with a freedom of will, choice and action. I began to choose wrongly. I began to discard the religion of my youth for worldly experiences. I studied philosophy, freely debated atheistic minds, listened to God haters, God mockers.., opened my experience to include others and their religious beliefs.., but still Hell and its existence would frighten me.., I began to use Hell as an anchor of sorts once again, for I wished to drift, feel more, experience more and know more.., the thirst for knowledge gripped me.., I wanted to know how to be a man, I wanted to know how to come to terms with my masculinity, I wanted to know how to reach into the potential within myself.. I was preoccupied with understanding of the self that lay within me. I was also intrigued by answers provided by science, atheism, philosophy, psychology, spirituality, mysticism and other reason oriented fields. I studied them in great detail.., I encountered opinions, judgments and accusations that began to break the roots of my faith. I felt stricken, because I loved Jesus.., true I hated the pettiness of His children, but I could not find it in my heart to hate Jesus. I chose to hide Him in my heart, and also follow whatever I wished to seek, discover and understand. I destroyed all fear of Hell with reason derived from atheism and science. In my eyes, I was doing this for good, because I was finally coming out of a stronghold of fear imposed by religion, by orthodox, formal and repressed religious people and moving into the endless potential of the human heart.
I chose writing as the field that I wished to excel in. This came from my love for books, imagination, memories, from my love for people and understanding them, and from my love for places and attempting to depict them. But fast forward a few months, and I was making all kinds of wrong choices left and right. Stripped of the choking moral framework of Christianity, and experiencing a framework constructed of my own knowledge, I chose indulgence, desires, impulses and a total satisfaction of basic human needs. I found myself experiencing higher highs, but the lows were so deadly and dangerous that they would’ve killed me if I hadn’t been serious. But I was firmly in control of my life, I argued against all wise counsel and chose my own ways, and I was proud about it. But I found myself in places that did not protect me, I was exposed to the deadly consequences of certain sins and I had no support. I found myself drifting further and further. I began to deeply study other religions for signs of absolutes. I was desperate for answers, I searched for a truth that would convict me and provide answers for all doubts that I had encountered over twenty three years of living, I also wanted to know who God was.., in short.., I wanted to feel Him and not know about Him.., I wanted to test Him to such an extent that I would come away either struck by lightning or bump my head on his Holy Awesomeness. But once again, I found myself drifting.., I started visiting Hindu temples.., I started visiting ashrams, I began to read revolutionary literature.., but also in my personal life.., I radically changed my actions.., I began to live with a sense of freedom and began to do things that were conventionally wrong. Alcohol, Drugs, Wild rides, wrong crowds, etc.. No matter how much you romanticize wrong, it always costs you bad. I found my life wrecked deeply and badly by the choices made, I found friends deserting me, I was the talk of the town, I found my version of true love disintegrate and self destruct, ruining me in the process.., I found myself in deep depression.., Haunted by my past, haunted by voices that kept accusing me of my flaws, failures, mistakes and blunders.. I found myself encountering a nervous breakdown in which I was close to complete insanity. For two weeks, I confined myself to a room and found myself shuddering with gripping pain, tears and hurt.., I had contemplated death many times over the years, but this time my conviction was real. I was going to jump off from the fourth floor and fall head first to the ground and kill myself in the most brutal way possible. For the first time in my life I felt no fear, inner sense or instinct towards my bad decision. But I wanted to curse, throw my vengeance and my anger at the Lord one last time for His ignorance of me. Imagine my surprise when I encountered Jesus as I screamed wretchedly for help in a last minute burst of clarity. All my life, the inner answer to my prayers in my mind had been emptiness, a wild flurry of confusing imagination and a sense that nobody was listening in, I had threatened the Lord multiple times that I was going to take my life if He didn’t show up and convince me of His actual presence.
Jesus rescued me even though I had not called out to Him directly. I had used the word, ‘God’ in generality, but I remember clearly that it was directed to the God of my childhood whom I clearly did not wish to talk to. What convinced me that I had been rescued by Jesus was the utter, absolute, inner conviction that I had been set free from my darkness, my pain, my shame, my hurt, my wounds and my debts. I could see my mind working without my will, it recreated all of my confusions, my worldly pain and shame and my hurts and my searches for God.., it ended at the foot of the two greatest verses that I have ever known. God is light and in Him there is no darkness at all. 1 John 1:5. and John 14:6, Jesus said, ‘ I am the way, the truth and the life no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.’. Again the creative sequence began unbidden, and created the most stunning display of why Jesus was God in a way that unique, personal and intimate to my heart.., Jesus was explaining to me in great detail that it was He who had saved me and that it was He who I was talking to. For the first time, it felt like God had broken the barriers of human consciousness and directly entered into my memory, my brain and my heart and revealed His true, absolute nature to me. Immediately I wondered what made me so different from the other tens of thousands who had died in prior days.., why was I alone getting another chance..? What made me so special..? I did not want the answers to be my parents prayers.., that did not make me feel special.., once again.., the inner voice began to speak into my heart.., that God had chosen me before the world began.., it told me that I was His priceless treasure and that I was chosen for His service.
The next few days I fell hard in love with Jesus. I couldn’t get enough of Him, I was always talking to Him, I was always kneeling to Him and asking for help. I wanted His help to forgive people who had abandoned me, I wanted His help to be fair to those who had scorned, ridiculed and mocked me, I wanted His help to help me believe deeper in Him.., I couldn’t get enough of Him. Over the course of the next few months, He would never leave me. The greatest miracle was that Jesus was always at my side.., His presence was always there in my heart.., His love was so deep and yet so ready and eager to love and accept me.., Jesus became my closest, most trusted and my only friend.., yet He is no human.., He is God Himself.., and yet He enjoyed a worthless fellow such as myself. His love never left my side for the next 8 months during which I got many supernatural visions, dreams and supernatural impartations of His love. In one dream, I saw His life, His ministry and His time here on earth. He had answered my request long back to know Him and His life here on earth intimately.., and the Lord was faithful to that demand. He revealed His entire life to me in a dream that I was shocked to encounter. For the first time in my life I was shocked to see how the Jesus I presumed I knew and the Jesus of the Bible were two entirely different people. The Jesus that I encountered during my eight long months of love and fellowship and the Jesus that I saw in my dream was so unbelievably kind, gentle, loving, accepting and friendly beyond anything and anyone that I had ever known. I was amazed and lost interest in all earthly and worldly people at that time. Where once I chased love, friendship and acceptance from the world, I now lost interest, and began to do everything in my will to know Him more.., to know Him more deeper and to ask Him for many many supernatural experiences.
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.
John 3:16
But the vision that sticks the most with me was the vision that I got about Hell. I knew that my miraculous escape, rescue and dramatic transformation were anything that I had ever known. All my life I have been bombarded with images of pettiness, with images of people so deeply rooted in ordinariness and meaninglessness that I struggled to find hope in something so radical. But yet here in my own life, in the midst of my own darkness was a light so powerful, so radical and so warm that I could not keep it to myself. I began to talk to everybody that I knew about it, if I was not being direct about it, I was going the indirect route.
It was early one morning when the vision came, it happened a week after I was saved. I call it a vision because it conveys a direct message to you, it connects to you personally, you know something on a deeper level that you normally can’t and it is Godly to its core. It is often a warning, a message or a revelation usually in a prophetic sense. This time it was all three. In the vision, I found myself in a dark place.., so dark and frightening.., yet there was an otherworldly sense of darkness to it, it was not like the familiar dark places that I would gravitate to during the long, humid nights and sit in silence in order to calm myself.., this darkness was filled with anguish, human hopelessness and fear. The vision conveyed to me that I was on the other side of life. I had died, and I was no longer alive. I immediately felt the familiar nerve stimulation begin, I was growing uneasy, anxious and highly scared. Slowly I begin to see a hazy form in the distance.., it was two other people who were coming towards me.., but their faces were forlorn, helpless and tremendously scared beyond their wildest dreams. They knelt down right next to me, I found myself kneeling as well. I saw two demonic spirits right in front of me. They were discussing things between themselves. It was at that time that I became conscious of a tremendous fire in the distance, I quickly realized that I was near a gateway of Hell and I was being sentenced or rather assessed before being thrown into the torments, the horrors and the realities of hell. I began to weep uncontrollably, sob with regret and sorrow.., I had missed my chances, all my life I had played a game of tricks with God and now I had reaped its benefits. I had just found out that it was I who had tricked myself in my great games and willful stubbornness. All my missed opportunities flashed before my eyes, I could hear the demons start talking. They were condemning and throwing one lost soul after another. They went to the first one and began to mock and growl in demonic glee that his life was over and that now they could torment him for eternity. I could see the man’s fear, horror and hopelessness in his eyes and face.., I felt so horrible, scared and sorry for him.., the same happened to the next one as well. I saw them being dragged away, against their will, with violent and murderous rage.., and then it was my turn.., I was sweating, hurting and becoming more and more terrified.., I had dreamt many times of the ways by which demonic beings would torment me if I did find myself in Hell and let me tell you none of them are enjoyable or nice, they are hellish violence played out in my mind. Here I was not protected by the Lord.., and in full vulnerability to these demonic beings. But just as they were about to approach me, I hear their whispers, they are speaking and saying the following…’ We can’t touch him.., His Lord has saved him.., we can’t do anything to him…’ and then in a flash, everything disappeared. Right as this vision ended, I woke up in a cold sweat, in terrified shock and horror, realizing how close I had been to ending up in Hell. The Lord helped me see how deep was His love for me, that was when I began to dedicate my life to serving Him fully.
A few more dreams did come up over the next four years, describing Hellish pain, horror and reality. But they cannot compare to the startling clarity, reality and horror of Hell that my first vision from the Lord offered. I was taken aback by it, shocked and clearly cognizant of Godly patience, love and long suffering in my life as it pertained to me. Friends I warn you with all of my heart to look to Jesus, this world is insulating you from realizing what is truly important.., it desensitizes your mind, your brain and your heart with tv, porn, reality and ordinariness over and over and makes you become bored, tired and exhausted in deeply seeking after GOD as your very life. Friends, let me tell you as a survivor of attempted suicide, and as a saved and rescued individual from God’s wrath, it is very real. To be honest it is more real than what we see, feel and know every day. Hell is eternal, horrible and never ending. It’s torments are horrible, wicked, cruel and unbelievably brutal. Sinners end there, Sinners who have not accepted Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord. Sinners who were too proud to believe in Jesus but chased other gods, goddesses and phony doctrines and religions. Brothers and sisters, I warn you as a brother, an evangelist, as a wounded healer and as a Pastor in training, repent of your ways and Humble yourself before Jesus and ask for His forgiveness, Ask Him to become Lord of your life and give up what you love about this world.., this world is leading you to Hell.., you just don’t see it.., but it does.., Friends, I warn you again.., Save yourself or perish.