2 worlds

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I inhabit two worlds ,
In One I feel alive and purposeful in,
and in another I hide, repress and conceal,
In one I lament the permanent fate of a world lost from God my Father,
in another, I anguish over unfulfilled dreams, failed romance, missed chances and lost hope,
In one, I struggle to fight an enemy in my soul, I war against the world and her immoral perversions plain in broad daylight,
In another, I struggle to conclude questions that haunt like lost souls aching for life,
In one, I am uninhibited, a slave to love, a soldier for truth and a fighter willing to lay down his very life for His Lord,
In the other, I muse, wax poetic symphonies, dream, dream and dream, and philosophize grand theories about the sensibility of what life is all about,
I can’t live two lives, for they clash and they collide,
the lines blur, I can’t understand why both can’t live,
but love wins, it is the first that I drown and plunge into,
the next has to die and be forgotten with forceful mantras.

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Incomplete poems and unfulfilled longings

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I hate how a few people’s lives makes perfect sense,
I think that they are either faking it or attempting to create one which will convince those who are looking in,
What’s the point me thinks, what’s the point in reaching such levels of power only to find that they will trap one in their cold, hard power..?
I don’t hate their discipline, as a matter of fact I applaud it,
I am not a defeatist, but its hard for me to relish in my strength when all around me are stories of lost wars, of broken paths, of misguided choices, of endless repercussions, of relentless demons of financial power,
I can’t stand a world where things are not true,
I must confess thought that I do get defeated by things that other people are going through,
I wish I had powers in me, powers that I could use for betterment, for change, for relief, for breaking down ancient, vile chains that bind and
I can’t handle a world that exists without sense, it is so unfathomable to me, I can’t handle people not being happy,
I feel guilty if the people around me are not where they should be,
I know that each man is responsible for his personal choices,
but dayum, Is there anything that I can do to make it all go away..?
I hate the sickening power that evil possesses, it gets access into people’s minds that I wish I had codes and passwords to,
I tend to dial down what I feel so that the others will feel comfortable around me,
I try not to show too much of my gifts since so many live such miserable, tormented, unfulfilled lives,
I feel sad that they don’t have the courage to rise, I feel sad that they do not have the blessings needed to thrive, I feel sad that they are made powerless in mind, in soul, in heart and life,
I feel this so acutely, that I wish I could rather die,
by die, I mean in an alternative realm where I could cease eternally to exist,
but the dominant thing that I see is not unfulfilled life, it is the ordinary life, a life that I have nightmares thinking about,
I see people walking around with no zeal, no passion , no life, and I wonder if I am living amongst zombies,
I face patterns of evil that are so carelessly tossed in and about,
I encounter prejudices so cleverly disguised, you would wonder if you’re the one who is losing his mind,
The saddest part is that I am never seen,
never understood, never taken the time to comprehend,
For some I am the color of my skin, for some I am the sum of my achievements,
for some I am how I pronounce words, verbs and can process what is going on around me,
For some I am so uninspiring, so dull, so useless to their own passions that I am rejected, avoided and run away from,
I have people that I have been trying to talk to for years, who still see me as some sort of curse,
I am who they never want to be, or never wish to be seen with,
For so many I am my salary, I am my ability to buy a home, a car, or a suit,
I wonder if they understand my path, my pain, my mind..?

The more I try to adjust to what is expected out of me in this current life, the more I see that I have to sacrifice a part of me every single day that was truly special to me.
The worst part is that in order to show love, in order to show true kindness, you have to sacrifice what you want for the sake of the others.
And it is a tormenting, internal thing to struggle against,
because when you share your sadness at your talents being wasted away, the ones who listen see it as a sign of vulnerability, of weakness, of un-manliness.., whatever that means,
to fight against a will so determined, so stubborn, so rebellious to God is exhausting, draining and deflating, I walk around with a guilty conscience all day, one feeling of sin, of wrong, of evil, and alas I am dumped into a realm of misery, weakness and loss. One act of sin and I internally damaged, a day or two of a particular habitual sin and I feel suicidal.
I am struggling against my own nature, one that expresses itself as Mental health issues, but the core of it still remains my inability to control what is happening to me.

Am I the only one..?

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There are things in movies that I catch, which i’d like to think nobody catches,
since no one is listening, let me talk on anyway.
For example, in a scene, I enjoy the sound of crowds just moving about, shimmering on like a huge wave of motion,
I like to memorize those very sounds and then play them like a record on a rainy afternoon, comforting myself as I am alone,
But then again, it’s not like she cares about trivial stuff like these which constitute the entirety of me now does she..?
Oh, she was cold.., brutal, real.., action minded, immediate.., Rejected me without so much as a second thought,
The funny thing is those who reject you usually have the last word, I hate that, I like to get the last word or action, whatever opens up.., but the last word would’ve been fine.
But then again its not like my life is an exhibition thrown in order to impress somebody..,
No, no.., my dear friend, I am just saying that sometimes even the random things sting,
Is it my fault that I read everybody that I meet, I carefully watch, observe and write ..? I read their energy, I read their lips, I read their bland little minds with their quaint little data,
I am like a mute spectator with telescopic vision, probing away, digging my mind for whatever information my intuition can find,
My soul is old, its my life that’s young,
I say so many things when I don’t say a word,
I mean so many things when I let things go, when I let people go, when I refuse to fight for what is never known#

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What if I told you that you would help me forget everyone else that I have ever been infatuated with, in love with or in a relationship with.., what would you say ?

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What are you looking at me like that for ?
It’s not like this whole world consults me about who they want to marry ?
I wish I could just fall in love one time, with one person and never fall out of love.., ever..,
I hate how my poetry is full of questions and unresolved mystery,
It’s tough enough having to be a saint with all of my weaknesses,
But should I always deal with a broken heart ?
I sometimes wish I got shot so that this madness could end,
No matter how hard I try I can’t see into the invisible chamber of men’s hearts,
No matter how mature I get, the longings of her hurt the growth inside,
I wish that I had never, ever been born.., ever..,
Softness doesn’t deserve a world as hard and stony as this,
I just had to fix her as my forever didn’t I ?
I deserve this for all my reckless longings,
Nothing hurts more than unreturned love,
It’s like the soul wrecked the heart and the heart just can’t fathom the rejection of the blow to the gut,
Perhaps if she had downright wrecked my soul with a simple rejection that would’ve been nice, but I guess I’m not even that important to be taken into serious consideration that she just moved on like I am not that important.., wow.., that blow to my ego is out of this world, I wonder if I can ever recover from this..?
Sad thing is that I know that I will recover, after all such broken moments are designed by the Lord so that I will stay closer to Him,
I don’t want to be hurt like this.., never.., ever.., I want to live in a place where I can desire God alone.., this lonely path through this world where what we love becomes another’s is not for me,
People who comfort me tell me that girls sometimes do this, one moment they are all so personally close and then the next moment they block you and pretend to act like nothing existed between the both of you,
That they erase you.., I thought that you were redemption, I, never for a moment realized that you were my most painful lesson,
This is just bitter.., but so sweetly sad to my melancholic core,
I don’t want you for real, I rather prefer being alone,
But I want you, because you bring to life what was dead within me,
I am angry at you, you didn’t reply for years,
You don’t see how your lies and rejection have been hurting me ?
But I see what you’ve done with your life, I always knew that you would shine bright just like the stars on a utterly dark broken night,
You cut me deep, you did it purposely,
I’ve been in love with you, or rather the thought or dream of you for five , darn years now..,
Sure I guess you’ve met some other dashing young gun more suited to your fine tastes,
You don’t see how our life is supposed to be ?
My bad, I wish I could shut up, believe me I’ve been doing that for 5 long years now,
Guess secrets break#

Warrior – Short fiction

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In Christ alone all hope is found – Legendary words that the warrior wrote in his notes to cherish, believe and feed his spirit with#

He was a warrior.. forged through the most intense fires that could beset a man, a warrior constructed through life’s hardest internal pains, a soldier who knew the wicked evil curse that had been cast upon all lands, men and women.., but yet he fought, he never gave in and he never accepted evil of any kind or sort… He was a warrior for GOD.., always battling the evil that nefariously and insidiously found human agency to work for its horrific causes.., The warrior was no ordinary man, he could read the undercurrents of groups of men, he could sense with immediacy the lurking of danger.., he could even sense the Holy Lord’s intent, thoughts and messages for mankind.., The warrior saw things that most people could never be aware of, he spoke of mysterious,terrifying truths that he received when he was on his watch tower high up in the hills, his knees deep in prayer.., interceding, battling, pleading#

God had gifted him an ability so powerful that it only activated itself when he was in the thick and thin of ferocious, fierce warfare, until then he would never know that he had such a capacity, such a will and such a determination of heart. The Good Lord did not want him to suffer the conceit that falls upon all heroic men, that they were immortal. The warrior was created with weaknesses that drew him towards His Lord.., the warrior only viewed his strengths as something that would give his Lord Joy and Happiness regarding him. The warrior was a hyperactive soul, not content with complacency, always eager to challenge the hyper-doctrinal man centeredness that found its way into the Lord’s words.., he was always eager to challenge the strongman of a territory.., he bowed to no idols, matter of fact he warred against them.., he sought to destroy any such idol in his life.., he bound up wicked devils, he hated what the Lord hated.., sure the warrior was a man who had weaknesses.., but he hated them and leaned on His Lord to fight his wars. The warrior had integrity and honor for no matter how valiantly he fought, he always gave the entire credit to His Master.., He did not do it to be selfless.., he did it to honor his Master, to exalt the power and grace of his Master.., and to praise, worship and allow other men to revere his Master.

Only the Lord blessed men with victories that really stood out, there were victories that men celebrated and raved about and then there were victories that impressed itself in men’s minds and made them revere God, and made them recognize the power of God. The warrior knew real well that he had to stir up belief in men’s minds and hearts.., to do so he had to constantly plunge into the realms of risk, of danger and of personal threat.. The warrior was created to make men know God, that was his life’s calling, he was no mortal.., he was created to be immortalized for all that he revealed about the Great God that all men pretended to not be aware of.

This ability to decipher truths about one’s soul as one experienced feelings, senses, emotions, thoughts in one’s heart and mind was something that the warrior knew well. He believed in his heart of hearts that he had to praise, honor and make God known in all the good things of his life, in the bads he would wrestle, question, sulk and argue in misery.., but never exceed the boundaries that he had kept for his mouth towards His Godly lover. He was distraught at the loss, being the competitive minded man that he was, he wanted a clean performance.. during those moments the Lord would remind him of the glorious rewards of defeat.., chiefly introspection, gratefulness, rejoicing in trials and tribulations and renewing of strength…, the warrior usually got back up and allowed the pain of memory to strive even greater, even further and make more glorious attempts for the sake of His Master who ruled the world sovereignly.

At times the warrior suffered intense, immense anguish.., questions regarding his finite strength when it was pitched against the mighty, vast and powerful kingdom of darkness hidden in men’s lives in plain sight emotionally pushed him into an internal pit that he could not find the footing to come out of. The warrior was attacked with just plain, indecipherable reality and then the devils would mock and curse at him as he suffered the pain that cursed life because of sin.., the deaths, the murders, the meaningless wicked deeds done without honor in plain sight.., the horrors that he had to hear, imagine and know.., the inability to forget what he discovered.., the sights of pain, of death and of violence.., the warrior suffered immensely with the inability of his heart to cope with such traumatic events.., and yet the warrior was a man born to fight, born to slay within himself that which was against Gd.., and gave humble orders to Angelic Rulers to attack and accompany his wars with the wicked god that this world had chosen for itself.., The Warrior would fight and avenge the innocent, the brutalized, the victimized, the forgotten, the ones who were taken advantage of.., the warrior would fight and fight.., until his Lord asked him to stop and close his eyes. The warrior was alive only to allow His Lord to rescue lives and in this was his life’s calling, heights and sole purpose#

A thousand years – Short fiction

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How can you be so sure..? I asked her
How can I be the one..? I don’t have a job… how will I take care of you..? I am afraid of taking you outside because I am fearful that something might happen to you.., I sleep in the mornings, I work with people who use me, I I call myself a writer, an artist and a anguished soul but the truth is that I can never write without feeling pain.., I am afraid that I am not who I say I am.., I am afraid to see myself without the talents that I have been so obsessed with for so many years that I am afraid to see myself in the way that everybody else sees me.., as somebody who should’ve given up and just did something that brought in money.., All my life I’ve only been tormented by appearing less than what I have always presumed about myself. I’m a wounded soul , I am afraid of hurting you by treating you normally, ordinarily.., what if we grew tired of each other..? Bored of each other..? What if your feelings for me will change..? What if you suddenly meet somebody more dashing.., handsome and more worthy of you..? Please don’t settle for a loser like me.., I begged her again.

She said, Come one step closer.
I have waited for you, I know the man of my dreams when I see him, hear him talk and spend time with him.., I have saved my heart for you through the rain, through the fire, through the storm.., I know that its going to be hard, we might fight.., we might even not talk.., but I promise to love you through all of that, I promise to die trying.., I don’t want you to be happy Joseph.., I know that I can never do that, I am here to complete you and I want you to complete you.., we can work around your fears, your worries and your precious scars baby.., I have my own.., maybe they can make us love each other deeply..? Truly..? More truthfully..? She said with such tender emotion, I felt my resistance melting, my heart beginning to wonder, dare I say even hope..?

I don’t deserve you.., I don’t.., I have nothing.., you hear me.., I am an undeserving, stubborn, bone headed jerk who always receives unfair luxuries.., I’d much rather choose a life of misery, strain and constant pain than to make you lose hope in me.., because that is what will happen when you live with me sweetheart.., It will probably crush me to see you with somebody else.., but at the very least they can give you the life that you deserve.., You’re worth so much more than wasting your life with me and for me.., I can’t allow you to throw away your chances and your life.., you deserve the best.., you deserve great things, good things.., wonderful things.., I am just a magnet for hardships, pains and suffering.., don’t come near me.., please.., please go.., I begged her, pleading with her.

‘ But can’t you see..? That you are denying me of something that I had to wait patiently for over 25 years..? I didn’t ask for perfection Joe.., I asked for love.., I asked for a man who would love me, stay with me, want me, build a life with me.., I know that you are the one.., do you have any idea of the long nights of prayer that I had to do in order to draw you into the realm of my life..? Do you have any idea of the self control that I had to exert to wait for you..? The people that I had to avoid..? I love you baby.., I love who you are.., I love the wholeness of you.., I am not looking for perfection, I just want to be connected to the other half of my soul…, I just want somebody whom I can love without fear, without doubt and without care.., I want.., I want..

Yes.., yes.., I wanted her to say those words that I had been waiting to hear. But as I tried to lean closer to her, I felt her retreating, moving from me.., her flesh becoming like splashing waves.., her eyes melting like sapphire candles.., I felt my head hit something ‘ thwack’.., I opened my eyes and realized that it had all been but a romantic dream. Grrr#