I hate how a few people’s lives makes perfect sense,
I think that they are either faking it or attempting to create one which will convince those who are looking in,
What’s the point me thinks, what’s the point in reaching such levels of power only to find that they will trap one in their cold, hard power..?
I don’t hate their discipline, as a matter of fact I applaud it,
I am not a defeatist, but its hard for me to relish in my strength when all around me are stories of lost wars, of broken paths, of misguided choices, of endless repercussions, of relentless demons of financial power,
I can’t stand a world where things are not true,
I must confess thought that I do get defeated by things that other people are going through,
I wish I had powers in me, powers that I could use for betterment, for change, for relief, for breaking down ancient, vile chains that bind and
I can’t handle a world that exists without sense, it is so unfathomable to me, I can’t handle people not being happy,
I feel guilty if the people around me are not where they should be,
I know that each man is responsible for his personal choices,
but dayum, Is there anything that I can do to make it all go away..?
I hate the sickening power that evil possesses, it gets access into people’s minds that I wish I had codes and passwords to,
I tend to dial down what I feel so that the others will feel comfortable around me,
I try not to show too much of my gifts since so many live such miserable, tormented, unfulfilled lives,
I feel sad that they don’t have the courage to rise, I feel sad that they do not have the blessings needed to thrive, I feel sad that they are made powerless in mind, in soul, in heart and life,
I feel this so acutely, that I wish I could rather die,
by die, I mean in an alternative realm where I could cease eternally to exist,
but the dominant thing that I see is not unfulfilled life, it is the ordinary life, a life that I have nightmares thinking about,
I see people walking around with no zeal, no passion , no life, and I wonder if I am living amongst zombies,
I face patterns of evil that are so carelessly tossed in and about,
I encounter prejudices so cleverly disguised, you would wonder if you’re the one who is losing his mind,
The saddest part is that I am never seen,
never understood, never taken the time to comprehend,
For some I am the color of my skin, for some I am the sum of my achievements,
for some I am how I pronounce words, verbs and can process what is going on around me,
For some I am so uninspiring, so dull, so useless to their own passions that I am rejected, avoided and run away from,
I have people that I have been trying to talk to for years, who still see me as some sort of curse,
I am who they never want to be, or never wish to be seen with,
For so many I am my salary, I am my ability to buy a home, a car, or a suit,
I wonder if they understand my path, my pain, my mind..?
The more I try to adjust to what is expected out of me in this current life, the more I see that I have to sacrifice a part of me every single day that was truly special to me.
The worst part is that in order to show love, in order to show true kindness, you have to sacrifice what you want for the sake of the others.
And it is a tormenting, internal thing to struggle against,
because when you share your sadness at your talents being wasted away, the ones who listen see it as a sign of vulnerability, of weakness, of un-manliness.., whatever that means,
to fight against a will so determined, so stubborn, so rebellious to God is exhausting, draining and deflating, I walk around with a guilty conscience all day, one feeling of sin, of wrong, of evil, and alas I am dumped into a realm of misery, weakness and loss. One act of sin and I internally damaged, a day or two of a particular habitual sin and I feel suicidal.
I am struggling against my own nature, one that expresses itself as Mental health issues, but the core of it still remains my inability to control what is happening to me.