Lone and restless in the hours of sleep,
awake and uneasy in the oft haze of mazes,
a great silence pervades the city’s dens,
the skies remain grim and the trees shiver every now and then with breaths of wind,
dreams , thoughts and uneasy memories stalk my calm as I sit and seek the silence that always seems to avoid me,
Words avoid me and speech has halted as I enter the reign of fear, terror grips my soul
Who am I….? Sudden gushes of pain arouse embers and blaze further the fearsome flame,
I have been sticking to perplexing tales filled with a faint predicament,
my head constantly worries about how to end a day with a clear mind,
The stars is where I wanna be, but the bottom of the ocean is where i lay,
What is happiness…? What is life…? Why should there be suffering and pain…?
Why is the world a gem a moment and a poisonous insidious monster another second…?
Where is truth and where is reality….? What is reality and what is imagined…?
What is special and why are people’s faces full of empty silence…?
Beyond gears of thought is there something beyond…?
Beyond the volcano of emotion and the lackluster vulgarity of boredom,
beyond temporary moments tumble and fall, rise and shy away from scrutiny and a judging heart,
all my best has ever been the forgotten and the incomplete,
my mind never my own, always concerned with restless childish despair,
calling upon the fates to congregate and mediate their anguished voices that sing that tomorrow may never come,
the light refuses to shine in spite of it being a brighter day,
my soul escapes what is rightfully mine into stretches inhabited and fortified by the barely comprehensible,
my life feels like an open grave, lying on the floor, forgotten and invisible ,
I need drugs to perceive, for my eyes are covered in sheets,
Trapped but offered tiny glimpses of the ethereal, clutched with a sense of the unthinkable,
only one life to lead, would I be an outlaw or a typical gook…?
I feel the incessant need for rearrangement, never still never ushering the originality that just keeps begging me for a changeover,
What is this pressure…? To be somebody, to make a life of one’s own,
to stand apart or feed that urge to make us feel important,
never quiet is the mind, constantly at war with the notion of what can be and what is occupied with unease,
Dreams and fantasies only offering calamity as the dawn brings nothing but empty madness deliberating its poisonous hate of this threatening sensation that nothing is changeable,
Didn’t you see ‘has beens’ unchanged and still intimidating thee…?
I don’t belong here I righteously claim in grandiose fashion,
haven’t you been repeating that since time began…?
Open your eyes, kick a little sense, its obvious you ain’t special, taunts my memory,
Might as well give up and join the line,
look they even have a queue for the delusional, I wonder how the asylum would treat a mind like mine,
Laid-back and Insecure in the game of impressions and projections,
Always preparing for change, never conscious enough to feel it completely,
preaching freedom from depression but lost in its melancholy,
constantly searching for new expressions and tones,
always believing that I have a chronic sense of the ill, wrapped in shades of obscure genius with a craving for the forbidden and the purity of freedom before distorted by dogmatic
Am i the only one insane or is my society ill….?
Or in the end was I the one plagued by ideas that encouraged the ill and the perverse…?
Or maybe the world encourages confusion , for clarity has not cured its ills it makes us believe,
There are too many violations it cries, no respect , its a lost cause whispers the subtle voice of delusion,
Don’t fight young one, let it go, its much better that way , who you are is not as important as being tormented for the sake of it,
Look at the world , see how despite its torments and its cruelty its stands still, and carries on like it dont give a damn, Do that, whispered the demon whose voice I now recognized,
You will be free to do as you like, Do as the world tells you to and you’ll be fine,
Away from me you evil demon, How dare you ask me to stop clutching on to the only things that help me see…?
How dare you ask me to desert things that have always helped me see who I am…?
Ha ha , Look around son of adam, everyone is a stranger, how can one live in a world filled with uncertainty and tough dealings…? Frustrations and petty emotions….? Laughed the demon
Cant you see puny human that your life can hardly make a difference,
Did you not wish to read thoughts and see worlds beyond stars…?
To feel things hidden beyond the mists of time, to speak the language of the soul….?
How exactly does your belief in GOD endorse these things of the mystical son of adam…? said the demon with glee,
I sunk to the ground, for these were my wishes and fantasies,
Scandalous isn’t it , How would you like to feel the pulse of an apple tree…?
Observe the wave of thoughts crash and foam on the mind’s shore…?
Indulge in fantasies ..? Open the forbidden gates of dreams and let it swamp your reality…?
You would like that wouldn’t you….? He spoke through his evil gleaming eyes,
He was my reflection , I thought, an image in a mirror,
for is not everything duality…? I hypothesized,
Escape not Son of Adam, Take my hand and I will show you the passage of time both past and beyond,
Come with me, I will show you how kingdoms were ruined and families driven apart,
You know what human beings really want mortal being …?
They like to have the things they desire, forget the moral prison of religion,
and once you give them the things that they want, their colors are revealed,
No one is pure , Son of Adam, give a man a whiff of some his suppressed fantasies and then you will see that it is true that I speak an eternal language,
The language of the only reality, live through your flaws, worship that which is forbidden,
explore the unconventional, indulge , indulge and INDULGE,
He spoke in a tone that carried its manner like an echo,
I will show you worlds of bliss and surreality that you have seldomly seen,
Powers to control and powers to be who you desire to be,
Sing in front of millions, write stories that make the heart bleed and the eyes weep,
Make foes and fiends worship your image, make them the carpet for your tender feet,
draw and paint things that stretch barriers and transcend into the land where your soul truly belongs,
Sleep beneath a curtain of stars, live in islands with beautiful maidens and more money than you will ever need, Merely sign this deal and allow your soul to take my hand,
NO…. I cried, Away from me grand deceiver I cried, You come from Hell o messenger of Satan,
There ain’t no dreams in Hell Satan, For I realized it was he who had spoken all this long,
Dreams belong to GOD oh ancient serpent, I know you tend to spin and deceive, I said in a voice laden with soul
You know your mom needs that money real quick, and your dad, have you seen him lately…?
Trapped in a job he cant ever leave, working so hard to only pay off those endless debts and worthless sacrifices,
Wouldn’t it feel good to make up for all those useless years you spent doing nothing J…?
Wouldn’t that make your mom proud…? Her son doing things she thought he would run from…?
And would your dad not love an extra buck son…? Would he not finally rid his sleep of obscurity…?
All those years of sacrifices and hard work,
Real hard work and dedication
, see where that ended them J,
They spend their days in worries and constant friction,
Silence Satan, they wanna make a difference, I cried,
they have sacrificed their time to make other people’s lives better satan,
people whose lives you ruined, I spat with venom,
they pay debts and loans because they followed their dreams,
and because they wanted to give us a better life,
they knew before that following your dreams in a world filled with people who plot and deceive with cunning is a costly affair,
They put their trust in the eternal ONE , immoral one, I said with dignity
Look whose talking about trust, laughed the fallen angel with hate in his eyes,
Isn’t it pathetic stupid human…? How you believe in pride and self esteem…?
The world is too vast a thing for it to even make a difference, do you think anybody cares mortal…?
That anybody gives a fuck that you think specially of yourself…?
That you feel you are different from the others…?
Ha ha ha ha , he laughed in cruel taunts and snickers,
You wanna see how many people I have in hell who once claimed the same…. ?
Everybody is the same you worthless piece of shit, everybody feels the same exact thing,
Some just are better at appearing different than the others,
its all an act, a drama…? Did you no t read your Shakespeare…?
All the world is a stage, take my hand I will teach you to love that hate that others threw at you,
Worship me son of adam, and pretty soon all the cameras will be clicking and I will help you understand the things that have always un-calmed your mind,
I will help you touch a million souls,
bleed their heart and touch that evasive fragment in their soul that they fail to grasp like the satin wind,
Worship me and I will make people remember you through the generations,
time is the greatest robber of them all, I thought,
Wasnt it just yesterday when I was 15 , young and always fussing deep within that there was some reason to all my nervous shortcomings…?
Dont think about that dear human, the demon guided,
But alas he had touched the feel of that heart that once rattled and thrashed at a distant shore,
Deeper and deeper I fell into that rabbit hole,
whence I hid and trembled and oft lay discouraged and in rage,
I decided to pass the demon’s gift, for I had no interest in the pleasures he wished me to indulge in merciful bondage,
I was a man, Yes, my body did quake every now and then with quaking thirst,
for the sight of a woman had reached the end , no longer was the beauty the intoxication,
it was the body that I hungered for, first a lover of beauty but now a devotee of the wishes of the body,
I had thinned my grim, fed what had been a broken heart with the flames of passion that had overthrown a sense of right and wrong,
and now I longed to fill that deep pit which had often been rejected by the very sirens who I tried hard to make seem wanton,
No longer was I a victim, I did not desire to be an animal, but certain similarities did strike my attention,
Maybe thats why the spirit from another dimension plotted those lines of deception, knowing how deep my thirst runs in a land of the forgotten,
Maybe it was an angel who saved me from the demon , I dont know, I let my head sink, for I know that he arrives when I am in a moment,
My thoughts they are rebelling, part of me considers all of this gibberish and rough translation,
No man can catch his thoughts or speak their language, thoughts are meant to be thought, not spoken, they say to me,
Why dont you just give up and trash this like you’ve trashed a million other lousy good for nothing attempts at writing…?
I feel like a stranger in my own element, further and further am I trapped in the chamber of discomfort and mind possession,
I desire not mere slavery, call me an outlaw to normative society,
Bound by art’s high call, a novice but a loyalist to sensitive wishes,
timid as they be, unpretentious is their language,
naive and innocent in the face of civilizations iron clad shackles, lonely in a room full of cock sure strangers,
‘You have to be serious about life son, don’t let life pass you by…!’ they say
their hearts are made out of stone and their words strike you like a blow,
What strange words people speak, I thought, conceiving plans whispered at ego’s creek,
But this is not my life’s call, I thought, I dont care about what people think, does not everybody think outlandish things….?
They are opinions , judgments and decisions, you want to stand apart dont you..? Whispered my ego
I dont wish to stand apart, I was always apart, that’s who I am , is my reply
One in the world, another undefined, One stoic another outspoken and bizarre,
Haven’t I always ‘felt’ different….? Whether the sun was bright or scorching,
or even when in the pangs of doubt or in the midst of conflicts,
Where are you GOD…? Why am I this way….?
People saying ‘I am just like you’ fails to satisfy my curious ways,
I stare at the mirror and all I see is someone who appears to be a likeness,
that’s not me, I cry , ‘ Am I losing it….? ‘
How long can I talk like this,
when the answers always seem so far or lost,
when all that I am is not all that I can be,
When who I am is disgusted that is this all I can be,
I am not happy with this incessant questions,
Worry is a turbulent mistress, Why am I here….? Maybe is my real question,
Where are you Lord of the heavens….?
Why is there so much misery and shortcomings….?
Today I was walking across the street, it was dark and night was all around,
there was a silence of air in the about, and a loss of sound,
but there in a wheelchair near the edge, the edge of a traffic signal,
was a man bent over, his limbs dangling and his voice snoring,
his arms were lean, and his face gaunt and starving,
I stood there for a while, I could not be that man’s friend,
I cant even offer him anything, cant you see Lord, I dont really see much of a difference,
I say to myself there lies a man crippled and destitute, sleeping in the open , being hassled by mosquitoes , sleeping without food, the air was hardly chilly,
Do you know what I really see…? I see my own cruelty, Maybe I put him there, I say to myself,
What do you mean I….? asks my ego in utter disbelief,
I dont even know him, cant you see that he is filthy and needs maybe a few pennies…?
Is that all…? I ask in sheer anger, ‘Is that all you can offer….? ‘ ‘That’s the best you can do you empty bag of air…?’
‘What do you think the man needs…? Since you clearly know all the answers and solutions to man’s ills J, Let me ask you something, what if in the midst of your emotional and purely theatrical act he turns out to be a psychopath and bludgeons you to death huh…? What would you do J…? Spoke my personal knowledge to me
‘But there has to be something that I can do… I cry, cant you see that people have just left him be…Scorned and held in contempt , Do you wish me to be the same….?
The time is not right, besides at the most what can you do J….? The man clearly seems to want to be there… Cant you see that…? How much do you know about this guy, asks my reason , sizing the situation up
‘But he must feel so alone and sad, his soul needs love, I can give him love at least, speak kind words and buy him a meal or two, I spoke in utter desperation,
‘ You know as well as I do that you and I have trouble staying with people for too long, that they eventually leave , or we make an exit since we always feel that we don’t fit, really J, tell me one thing, asked my conscience to me, Dont you think maybe he feels the same….? Maybe he does not desire companions or even invite sympathetic beings whose faces stare at him with pity and speak like they truly understand him…. Just let it go J, this is not your fight, we have still not figured things out about our own selves, do you think it wise to offer him hope when you yourself are as troubled as he….?
‘ You know J, that people would stare at you with contempt and disgust, you know how your sensitive heart would in time absorb those negative equations and help in forgetting what’s right, surely those bullies we once encountered taught you that, never reveal yourself J, you know that never goes well, people put you in a box and speak like they understand your intentions, they speak like they know, and you as well as I know that we can never digress from that , since our mind is always occupied by those who mean us harm, spoke my lost innocence to me
‘ But … But there must be something that I can do, I speak , but I could see that my mind had moved on, for too often in this world we move on when we see how blocks and gates halt us and take away our confidence, True, I could not help the man right away, but that does not mean that I could not do anything at all was it…? I for one never allow external things to influence my actions
And from the highest heavens someone smiled, He understands whispers the sages and saints,
He really has not let go of the goodness in his heart they speak, Praise be the Lord who speaks even in the dimmest corners,
He needs to understand that he needs to make his life a testament to God’s greatness, that within him is a river that never runs dry,
But the eagle needs to realize that in order to soar, he must attempt to fly, they spoke amongst themselves as the Angels agreed,
Back here on earth , J was lost in a mix of thoughts that usually were brought upon by such madness that he had witnessed before,
Wasn’t it surprising how even though man was trapped in Habits and too often in world abiding maxim’s, deep within there was a heart that just cared, thought J
Sure through the advent of years as one finds his way in the world, one forgets truth and settles for things that less trouble his mind,
‘Away’ he says to the divine that is pure but sadly too lofty a pursuit in this unsettling of darkness that we all seem to share, from now on I am going to think what I want to think, and speak what I want to speak, and lo, he speaks from experiences that had made him bitter, judges based on popular ideas, never truly feels what his heart says, but rather lives in an apartment where the most popular ideas hang on walls like accomplishments, the collective opinion light up the shady den and only serves to brighten it up with a particular sense of brightness, objects he has accumulated over the years hang in places visible and forgotten, like his social interactions one always prefers those elements that best suit him unlike the man who prefers the jungle ….. All of one’s opinions serve at best as conveniences and mere appliances to perform a thing repeated over and over and over like a mad conscious sensation that one wishes he was not bound by ,
It is all madness , I thought
Why GOD did you create Man , I asked,
Don’t you see him destroy the basic essence of harmony in all his ways….?
Is there a heaven after this earth….? Or is Hell below this earth….?
Cos if the latter were so, it is not surprising considering the madness,
Things feel heavy and overpowering like they do when one feels like giving up the struggle,
Dreams suck out your soul, whisper opinions,
I am never alone, a thought always keeps me company,
No matter how hard I try to escape , feelings happen,
No matter how high I climb, memories rush in
No matter how intelligent I sound, ignorance whispers
And most of all no matter how much time has passed, certain things remain,
What I wished to transcend remains untouched by my quest and sword,
Old fears still inspire contempt and irritation for the scars of old,
No amount of life is complete, I think,
Is not matter complete….? Why is my mind not so..? I ask
Its because you wish it not to be so, whispers my soul
What do you mean….? I ask indignantly
But I can no longer hear him, my mansion of restlessness is too big to set out in order to find and seek him,
Another time, I think to myself and lay down my pen