A train journey


The train slowly sulked out of the darkening station, it was 6 now, by the grace of God I had obtained a seat after an extended tour through 11 other coaches, a hesitant old man finally in a moment of carefully measured skepticism allowed me a tiny bit of space at the edge of the seat, which I took with a deep sense of gratitude aimed more above the skies than towards the aging man whose eyes strangely seemed to accept his plight, for I knew that it was next to impossible to get a seat at this time and specifically in this particular train. I had quite a colorful history with this specific train, a long history that lucidly elaborated my struggle with my lack of self assertiveness, with my sense of grandeur and of course a bitterness towards dominant personalities whose conscience had long turned to stone and completely lacked any general sense of regard, it was a disgusting rat race and I detested it with my entire being but I had few options at this time, and I preferred a train journey to that of a bus, sometimes out of despair I would take along my scooty and set off into the night armed with nothing more than a full tank and a half empty purse, those were times of great adventure and rejuvenation, for in those long hours of travel I would ponder in length about my life and wonder what my destiny was set out to be… The train had stopped at a station , one of the first stops, a lot of frantic passengers ran in in a flurry of rabid energy, their intention to capture what little space they could to either stand or assume a position of sitting, but these postures were often not as relaxing and comforting as they should be, travelling in this train taught me a lot about perseverance and patience, that in life both of these were necessary in great quantities in order to survive and go about, though I deeply resented these situations since my approach was more towards avoidance that endurance, I accepted them still in the hope that these things teach me the discipline that I so desperately needed. But of course all these complaints are the initial phase of the journey, if I did manage to get a seat and if I could substantially stimulate and activate my mind into a deep introspection, I was saved from the boredom that renders the senses into a trance of suffocation and resentment and instead could pursue my two favorite departments, imagination and learning, of course these required a fuel of observation and foreknowledge, but I persevered on to escape my reality and instead run deep into the sanctuary of my dreams.

I was vexed , at work today a dialogue had ensued between me and a co worker and he had made a statement in passing that I was spending too much of my energy and attention on the devil and not focusing on my purpose with the necessary resolve that it required. I did my best to not let that statement affect me, I was being my usual foolish self again, who asked me to exhibit what was capturing my interest at the moment…?? NOBODY, but the usual bumbling nature of Joey had of course revealed things that were at best hidden. In my usual excited babble I had let him know that I had gotten my hands on a book about the occult that had been written by a Christian minister , this had of course prompted him to engage in a lengthy dialogue of topics that he hinted were more important to the Christian, I listened patiently then, but right now in this great human cage that was bursting in an electric emotion of speed and shaking, I wondered if he was true and I wondered too if I was placing too much of an emphasis on understanding the nature of fallen man, of truly understanding sin and its effect on the conscience, on understanding the need for morals, in studying literature on Satan’s numerous guises and mass deceptions, was I deviating away from God….?? I had not read my Bible the past few days and even when I read it I was plagued with a sense of discontent and inattention, merely glancing and chewing it with a distracted mind but never meditating on it with a empty heart that was quite hungry for the word. But then I realized that I was not so misguided as I thought that I was, true the Bible does ask man to steer clear of the wandering spirits, demons and Lucifer himself, but it also did ask the believer to equip itself in the word and that was my chief goal at the moment, I was taking the experiences of people over gobbling up the scriptures, and I sensed a defensiveness towards the scripture, a wall that hardened and enclosed my heart whenever I picked up the Bible, but I prayed, in all earnestness, in all sincerity and in utter devotion reminding God time and time again that I was indeed his faithful dog, a lack of involvement in the church and a general disregard for conformity left me quite alone when having to face such intense confusions and disruptions. My faith had taken quite a few blows this past week, I had slipped a few times, but veered myself back unto the Lord, and I sensed that I was under siege by demons in the invisible realms, for they affected my dreams , I dreamt horrific nightmares and my conscious life was filled with either doubts, paranoia, confusions and immense disturbances – emotional and mental. I always ran to my wonderful friend in whose counsel I sought refuge, but my troubles in the outer world persisted, I was more alone than ever, I felt fearful about my future wondering if I was wasting my parent’s money even though I worked myself, at the basketball court I was gripped time and time again by a spirit of dissatisfaction, a spirit of fear and a loss of identity( I will elaborate more on it later), I wondered if it was time to move on from the game of basketball or if I was just going through a phase, I was living a uneven life, my sleep though sufficient still made me feel incomplete and unrested, I hardly had money and whatever little I had I spent on books and fruit juices( a fresh addiction), I had a cold that I sensed I had had since the beginning of time, and symptoms that would prompt his blockedness MR Sinus to re-enter and ravage my health, I was losing weight, struggling with issues of forgiveness and repentance, nobody seemed to bother about what I had to speak about as they forcefully pressed their Christian experiences with a complete sense of thinly veiled arrogance that paraded as humility and I hardly wrote poetry , my huge novel was nowhere near starting, It seemed more and more like an idea suspended among many other ideas that all had either gone stale or had been forgotten and lost themselves in my rather creative universe, I wanted to take care of my parents and ease them of their financial burdens but I didn’t know how to, I was earning peanuts myself, not that I bothered, but that was my problem, inspite of all these pressing circumstantial beguilling emergencies/energies I hardly seemed to mind them, and in all reality that was what was bothering me, my Savior had completely removed any sense of worry and asked me merely to trust in HIM, and not worry about anything but joyfull submit myself to the Lord. And I did my best to, it was rather simple and free of mind boggling complications and immediately touched the heart when the mind, the heart and the will were willing. But pride, vanity, lust and loneliness still loomed large, and required quite many scriptural administrations and sessions on my knees, sessions that needed more minutes and hours, I realized now that time spent in prayer decides the course of an entire day, and prayer demands, people, gifts of the spirit , worries, mountains and walls were in abundance and needed plenty of prayer and trust, and a growing need to abandon my day entirely to prayer and scripture , followed by meditation and writing and reading other important books were surfacing, but I had no time, and this was breeding a deep unrest within me, I knew now that this was a walk and that my life’s purpose was inherently creating ripples that I could not overlook, I was ready and eager but the lord wanted to take me through the wilderness before my work on this planet were to begin, but was I wrong or was I right…?? Only time can tell


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