My feelings on display – One of my old poems, forgive the language

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Foggy night sky with scattered stars and erstwhile celestial poems,

Unconscious monsters trapped in neurotic spaces,

Let me write an ode to my last cigarette on planet earth,

Grey air trapped in smoke, vast and important,

Lingering visions of madness and evil intentions swarm incessantly,

You pretend they scoff, you can’t make them see they taunt,

What about your ascent to lofty invisible peaks..?

What about your flights of fantasy, poignant reverberations resilient and serene,

Who cares, understands and glimpses past the stoic façade…?

I have with me an iternary for my time here on planet earth,

Money, fame and prosperity, build a heritage and claim land as thine own,

Soaking up all the cuts and bruises and tribulations with a smile,

I can feel all my fucking desires pregnant within me,

I don’t believe no more in signs and purpose, it’s all lonely redemption and solitary cliffs overlooking the raging storm,

There ain’t no holding back, I run into modest men with contemptuous concern,

I see the devil in a million evil disguises, I see him beckoning me with poverty on the streets,

In corrupt inventions deep in the belly of bureaucracy, I am the Lord’s warrior,

Bless me lord, I shall strike down the evil polluting the intricate webs of existence,

I will never live a lie; I shall rather burn in the darkest fires of hell,

My soul I shall not submit to the vanities and their immoral beckoning,

I burn all the false teachers who have raped my soul,

I am a warrior; I rise with the gleam of my sword into the dark of the night,

I plunge into the darkest night with the least regret…!!! It is now or never …!!

Life

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~ Dreamy waves shimmer on a bottomless sea,

I sink into a bed of reefs, under a glimmering blanket of blue,

Flashes of life drizzle through,

Hypnotic like the wind,

Spinning into bright circles in meadows of ecstasy,

Fading deeper and deeper into an abyss whose nature spews forth dreams,

I drown in ethereal delight, a symphony of whales stir my reverie,

Graceful and elegant against the enemy,

My soul rushes in delight to their dream, but ah it is only mine that has ceased to be..!

 

an Old poem of mine

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Lost in the shadows of time and space,

Something immeasurable rises and stills,

Whirling images of past and future collide,

Into the intricate woods of the now,

People walking the streets with shades of grey,

End up in their mausoleums at the end of the day,

Trees rise up into the sky, waving as if to the clouds nearby

Tears fall down the ground. They have nowhere else to go,

Oh when oh when, will I find the courage to stretch and fly. 

Midnight Post

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Man am I tired or what…. Every bit of my body either has an ache or a complaint of some sort…. Which to me is an amazing feeling, I absolutely love playing until my last breath… I had a good game today… Which is a rarity in itself… And the fact that I won the last game is just the topping on the pie…. Me and ashwin like to think that we’re Dwyane wade and Lebron James , the famous Nba superstars, and true to their names they co-incidentally happen to be our basketball idols… My legs actually felt quite good today…. Which is another amazing surprise… Thank you Mr legs…. I have not worked out in a year, since I could not find a gym where the price is economical and fair… All the fancy gyms charge around 12,000 per year and I don’t earn that kind of money first off, my parents would be more than ready to give me that exact sum, but I am not comfortable with spending such an exorbitant sum , even though I can be quite the spender when it comes to books, good food and head phones…… I always do pride myself in keeping my body fit and conditioned, I am not health conscious nor am I health freak, but I treat my body to the best of both worlds, great exercise and if the right opportunity opened itself great food, since living alone has taught me to adapt to the absence of food as well….But like all Joey’s food is something that I quite enjoy, relish, savor, take pleasure in, appreciate, revel in and take a thrill in, eating is one of my great passions next to basketball, music, learning, thinking and sleeping(Lol), the pursuit of love, Happiness and a million other things…. ( This list is ever expanding btw) …. Long story short, I am tired to the point of practically dissolving into the air like vapor and jumping into my bed and waking up after a million years, on top of it all my room is filled with my nightly foes ze mosquitoes who do leave a long trail of love bites all over my body on account of me opening the windows to let in the cool night air…. My mind is too tired to read, and my fingers are too tired to type… And sleep keeps pulling me down into her gravity…. Its quite a battle to stay focused and alert, I might doze off on my keyboard at any moment now….

Some melodious tamil songs plays on in the background…. I have missed Illayaraja’s music for a long long time…. I deleted my entire music collection, my movie collection and my huge Pdf collection a few months ago, an act to give more space in my laptop to Christian related  materials and media… So far it has worked out good, but at times I get this urge to listen to a particular type of feel…. The reason I love illayaraja is because his music practically pulls all the effects that make a practically devastatingly sad song…. I am drawn equally to happiness and sadness for some strange reason…I love them both equally, I love to smile… but I love the depth that a sorrowful moment provides …. Its strange but too often I find myself caught inbetween two languages…. I can speak tamil pretty well, and I use it when I find the need to deliver sermons on the dubious state of the world but I have always been more drawn to English, not because it sounded fancy or sophisticated, but more so because of this strange connection that I seem to have with the language, in an otherwise forgettable school academic life, English was ,is and will always be my favorite subject of all time….! I have a love hate relationship with my mother tongue, I don’t know my language completely and I don’t care, back in school I fared horribly in my second language( which was of course none other than Tamil my mother tongue), I did act in a couple of tamil plays where my complete tendency to act like a clown was milked to its fullest degree, and I did have a good voice and tone when it came to reading in my mother tongue, but apart from that I was a complete zero… I can’t ever remember getting good grades and I was always the class last, I was labelled a weak student and while all the others went over to play in the evenings I had to attend special class where my Tamil teacher made sure she removed the last shred of confidence in my own abilities and also made sure that my life was more horrible and miserable…. Wonderful memories…. Its been such a long time and I hardly remember what transpired during those innocuous teenage years…. I guess I did have some fun times, but I can hardly remember them, my greatest moment in school to my knowledge was when the girl I had a serious crush on smiled at me during Christmas lunch…. In my school boys and girls were not allowed to talk to each other…. Don’t laugh…. That was the norm at my school….It was an ultra disciplined lockdown type facility…. In those days the discipline levels were ridiculously high… We had a highly organized life from the moment we woke up which was at 5 in the mornings, 5-6 was bating time… Sleep lovers like me used that time to sneak a few precious moments of nap time hidden in the auditorium which was a few metres away from the dormitory…. It was qutie risky since our warden who was quite the intimidating and dedicated enforcer of justice and discipline prowled the grounds looking for students whom he could punish… You have to understand that this village is surrounded by the eastern ghat hills, it was practically a forest, a no man’s land…. so the mornings could be rather chilly… So if he found out that we were still sleeping after the alarm clock boy(his name for the leader who was in charge for waking us all up) woke everyone up…. We would be punished rather severely…. A hundred sit ups was the usual gift that was offered as a reprieve on the days his mood was well, on the other days anything from a whack in the head to his trademark pinch on the side of the bicep that drew blood were offered…. This guy gave me hell in the first two years of boarding school….. which was 9th and 10th std…. He practically taunted and embarrassed me at every turn…. Punished me severely in front of the entire hostel population on numerous occasions , as if this were not enough other teachers who resided alongside the boys picked on me too…. The worst villain of course next to my warden was the guy who was in charge of Physical education who made sure that my life was a living hell…. I wish not to go into the details since it does appear like I glorify my punishments, But some of them included caning,  being smacked around with a cricket bat and total humiliation in front of my classmates…. Maybe I resemble the apostle Paul in that way who took great pride in all the sufferings that he underwent for the sake of Christ…. I hardly describe these for the sake of inducing pity since the years that followed helped me forget whatever scars I held in the inmost chamber of my heart….. Man, life has changed…. That’s one of the reasons why I get angry whenever a teacher scorns the ability of a child… When I did psychology( My masters degree) I wanted to teach these type of kids, it was my dream back then to educate these kids with soft skills on personality and character development…. But for now, my life belongs solely to the Lord and if its His will for me to reach such kids who need the utmost love and understanding I would make myself available even though it scares me personally…. I love kids, they seem so free and unburdened…. Wasn’t that part of our life the greatest by far….? I remember all my great adventures, scaling the wall, climbing trees, using a sling bought from a particular gypsy to hit mangoes in my neighbor’s yard, pretending a million things , learning how to do a somersault and impressing my folks with it, playing hide and seek when the power went off, I still remember the entire street would be filled with children and we would have so much fun…. Where did all those days go….?  A lot of people speak of school as the high points in their life, but I hardly felt attached to it, there were parts of it that I liked, the open ground, the library where I borrowed a hundred Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew novels, the farthest corners of the school where I would just sit all alone lost to the moment…. Growing up Tom sawyer was a major influence on my life, I loved Tom sawyer, I despised Oliver Twist because he made me feel so much pain, all the cruelty of that particular novel has still not left me in a way, I still shiver when I think about the murder scene of the villain…. How horrible, as it is with the heart it is with reality, I despise movies with cruel scenes, the price they have on our hearts seems to high…. I love action movies though…. Back then I wanted to be a stunt man when I grew up…. Add that to Pilot, doctor, missionary, Rocket scientist, Genetic Scientist, Black cat, commando, Cop, Detective, spy, millionaire, actor, singer, basketball player, wrestler, speaker, inventor, psychiatrist, Dream Analyst, guitarist, Concert conductor, Composer, blah blah… You get the picture…. You see how focused and goal oriented my life appears…? 

Anyway in regard to my crush my happiness was short lived since I came to find out that two of my friends had an intense crush on the same girl…. Not the first time I tell you… Lol, but anyways followed by the bathing time, it would be followed by prayer time, group prayer…. followed by Bible reading time, we were issued copies of the popular Daily Bread which was circulated throughout the entire school, we would sing a couple of songs…. not in the order I just described of course…. Then there would be study hour… which was an hour and a half long…. followed by breakfast… then class upto four with intervals inbetween…. 4.30 to 6 was playing time…. I played table tennis during those years, won a couple of tournaments, always lost in the divison before the state, I wanted to be a football player but my physical education teacher( the same genius I described before) thought that I should play table tennis so it was set…. But I did have fun , I was quite good at it…. But cricket was my passion during those times…. Anyway, followed by that…. we had to again get ready for study from 6-8 , then food, prayer, study, ten o clock lights off…. This day repeated for eternity, over and over and over…. I wrote quite a number of ambitious stories during the long study hours which one day I promised to myself would take Hollywood by storm…. Of course I have won so many oscars in my mental trips that if it does happen in real life which I highly suspect I probably would be saturated enough to hardly react in any form to it ever happening….! Lol 

In school all forms of secular music was banned, the band of choice was Petra… The songs of petra were so overplayed that I can practically play most of them in my mind with all the riffs, high chords and the grand climax without even attempting to…. One of the most controversial songs that was forbidden with crazed looks and hushed silence was without a doubt Hotel California by the eagles…. In a closed atmosphere with raging hormones the forbidden becomes the doorway to engage in and express the repressed mentalities of pure adolescence…. I learnt to play the guitar during that time…. I tried attending a few classes, but I found them boring, so i learnt it by myself…. With my time tested method…. Observing and an open heart with a rich sense of curiosity…. We even had a band at one point of time… I gained quite a reputation for not choking in the spotlight something that gave me my own fifteen seconds of fame in a school infamous for the size of its idli’s and the colorful characters of students and teachers, but I always played it more to surpass the people who had pushed me by and told me that I would never be any good…. So its a no-brainer that I lost interest once I left school , I wish I had more natural talent, which is a lame excuse since I have always achieved whatever I sent my heart to… God has given me enough curiosity to last all my days… He made his sparrow well…. I even wrote a song… Of course I had to go and lose it… FOREVER… I disturbed an artistic minded friend of mine enough to write a song about me…. Which he agreed with his flair for the dramatic…. Gotta give it to the guy though he was talented, he formed the band that I spent a year in… Godmania was the name….. and we remade the most popular songs of that time with christian lyrics…. So One love by Blue, the Affirmation song and the Animal song by Savage garden,  among others…. He even wrote a play…. I Wonder whatever happened to that guy….! In our dorm He was the standard, a deeply religious and pious guy who wrote a million songs, stories, and someone who redramatized shakespeare in love …. That guy was good, c’mon he wrote a song for me, of course i’m biased…. I hardly glanced in the artistic direction in those days…. I was a late bloomer I guess…. I’m happy in a way since it would’ve no doubt fizzled out, since I would’ve started it based on someone’s reproach and contempt…. Goodness what’s the time now…? 3:30 am…? Where did the hours go…? Dear Mr Mosquito I understand your need for blood, but aren’t there a billion souls outside this space….? Enough Illayaraja for one night…. What was the most defining moment of my life…? What had I accomplished so far… What would be my legacy be about…? So many of my dreams have thus far not yielded any real result… My mom always told me that I was special, a mother’s love and bias has no bounds…. But her words of encouragement have kept me well in many a storm, back in hostel my mom sent me some of the most beautiful cards there can be possibly be… Always filled with bible verses and encouragement…. I always cherished those cards and her letters as well…. I kept them in my then Bible… A NIV black bible…. A standard possession in the hostel… It was there that I first finished reading the Bible cover to cover…. One of my stories back then was based on the descriptions of the Leviathan and the Bohemoth described in the Book of Job…. I have always had a fascination for strange creatures….The Loch Ness monster and Dinosaurs have been top on that list…. In those long long study hours, I slipped pictures that I cut from books of mystery into my textbooks, one of these was a photograph purportedly taken in Central africa, dark forests which are impenetrable even by science’s standards… Ha..! Take that science, anyway i’m much higher than that…. the picture was of a group of dinosaur like beings crossing the river… That particular picture alongside a page from an alternate style Batman comic were always in my pocket, I relied on them for strength and courage…. That batman comic had quite an impact, the effects of which I can still feel in the deepest corners of my heart…. The heart is a strange thing, it is an animal in many regards at times singular in its purpose, but many a time it re-opens a portal into that part of our life that we can no longer reach, and using a strange combination of feelings and emotions it unearths these buried memories and casts them into our mind’s screen…. Lord i’m speechless as usual…. Then there are times when it seems divided unto itself… a state i’m rather familiar with…. To escape the sheer boredom of the long study hours where I had to stare into a dull textbook of botany for hours on end, i’d record those songs in my mind that was forbidden as per school law…. Those songs were usually romantic songs, or songs with heart and feeling, for some strange reason I find happy new year by Abba to be a deeply stirring song, a song that I loved to listen to in those frustrating hours where we were required to memorize names, concepts and ideas that we would never ever use in our later lives, an activity that I detested with the fullest of my heart…. Sure I was viewed as a weak student, and my grades on account of my stubbornness were the last in a class of 48 or so…. I remember the smug expressions of my academically affluent classmates, attitudes that hardly seem to have changed despite time, born again experiences and family experiences… Somethings never change I guess….! 

I was at a wedding yesterday… a popular evangelist whose messages are broadcast across a lot of channels and who owns a college as well was there …. I hardly recognized him, he resembles a temperamental uncle of mine…. Once upon a time I had sat on his father’s lap and he had put a slice of mango in my mouth…. His father was extremely popular…. I’m not sure if y’all have heard of Jesus Calls ministries… Founded by Dr. D.G.S Dhinakaran, a powerful man of God whom God used greatly in our state of Tamilnadu…. I unplug my earphones at this juncture…. Wow…. The sound of the fan blades spinning sounds ridiculously delicious and refreshing to my free ears…. I met a couple of my classmates, there was a familiar sense of camaraderie around that shook me awake and helped me realize that there were other people on the planet whom I actually knew, all of these wonderful folk were my classmates from Santhosha Vidhyalaya… Yikes it 4:00 am… Just what do you hope to accomplish Mr West…? ( Kanye West style) … consistency my man…. Consistency and the ability to wander in the midst of the music sprinkling through the pores of me earphones, and the flight of the mosquito on his blood extraction journey, to give this relationship all my sanity and insanity in order to create something out of nothing, and also included are the still hours of night, I have to shut down before the light comes up… Am I vampire…? Hannah Whittal smith, Jack Kerouac, Tozer and Caryl Matrisciana all stare at me severly from the corner of my desk…. I apologize profusely …. Tomorrow I promise… Yikes I promised God that i’d pray for an hour today…. Dang… My stomach growls…. The Game’s Southside plays in my earphones…. The raw southside californicating west coast rhythm does wonders in my head, I’m a nasty thug now…. A rebel for Christ type thug… When I was going through my Nba notifications today… I chanced upon Harrison Barnes …a rookie playing for the Golden state warriors…. The guy has some nasty dunks…. They call him the black falcon… his idol none other than his airness himself… Michael jordan…. i’m thrilled its been ages since I genuinely felt a connection with a basketball player…. Ok i’m joking, it was only last week that I re-activated my fondness for Brandon jennings…. Anyways…. My friend’s wedding was a wake up call of sorts…. I realized how different I am from my classmates… Most of them spent 12 years in the place that I just described… and they feel that they have a much stronger connection to that place, its all yours fellas I said to myself, amused and bugged at their indolence… Clap clap…. You win…. I bow down to thy greatness of experience…. Wait a minute I have Norah Jones in my playlist….? I love her voice…. Sigh* I love her like I love peanut butter…. that translates to A Lot in my world…! The word lonely just sounds a lot more beautiful in her voice…. What on earth am I even writing about…? At this point of my life I have no clue , a lone caw from the tree directly behind my head can be heard…. the sheets of my bed seem to have been stirred… I cleaned my room… Epic moment…. Its been exactly ten days since I last worked, ten days where I finished not a single book completely…. The Cross and the switchblade still is paused at a particular experience of doubt that Pastor David Wilkerson seems to  have about certain aspects of his ministry…. a deep thought moment…. What song comes to your mind when the word swim comes to your mind Sir…? Diving in by Steve Curtis Chapman…. Loud applause… astonishment…. Complete takeover… What did I actually want to say….? Hmm… Another deep moment…. ? Sure kind sir…. What comes to your mind when I say the word Hero….? Pen, Bike, Me, Soldiers, Martyrs, Philanthropists, Brad Pitt’s character in Troy..Like Wow or maybe its Whoa, Denzel Washington in Training Day hmm isn’t he … ahem …anti..? Whatever, Van Damme in Bloodsport, ( quick side track…. I love Keri Hilson and I feel Cheryl Cole is adorably cute…) , Gregory Peck in To kill a mockingbird… Clark Gable in Gone with the wind… Simba in Lion King… Arnold Schwarzenegger in Jingle all the way… Julie in Flipped…. She reminds me a lot about myself in some ways…. She…? That’s the way it is Mr Emptiness deal with it… Hmm should I proceed…? By all means …. Tom Cruise in the Last Samurai… Christian Bale in the first Batman movie(awesome), Rajnikanth in Basha, Kamal Haasan in Unnai pol oruvan, My Mom, Dad to a certain extent…. I love the last action hero movie by the way…. I guess ill stop at this point… Too caught up listening to Billie Jean by MJ…. Random dance moves concluding with a kick in the air…. I could’ve spent this time in prayer… Your words are too secular Joe…. Where is the honor and glory that God demands…? But… But I randomly started this post, I had no idea that I would talk so much and that too for so long… Sorry…? Attention Deficit Disorder… I am not making that up… I guess I had bits of it during school, or maybe its something more serious, more life threatening and deadly like ….. ( avowed silence) … Cancer…Wait.. what…? Cancer….? You seriously think that your lack of interest was due to cancer…? Are you from the land of fools….? Hey don’t blame me you’re a part of me too mister…. Hmph I refuse to indulge in this meaningless conversation any further… Joe I think its time we shut down… Norah Jones just started to sing that the sun has left through my door, in our case the sun or rather light will come upon us in a few moments… SIgh… Goodbye my friends the stars…. Goodbye indescribably rich and thick night sky whose blackness makes visible the milky way galaxy with its starry diamonds crinkling that smile that never dies…. Forgive me Father, I am singing the same old song over again…. Spurgeon rightly said that we give the world our best hours but to our Maker we give nothing but our tiredness and languor ….I will open my heart now… Before I depart a few quotes from the great Mr Spurgeon…. 

“There are times when solitude is better than society, and silence is wiser than speech. We should be better Christians if we were more alone, waiting upon God, and gathering through meditation on His Word spiritual strength for labour in his service. We ought to muse upon the things of God, because we thus get the real nutriment out of them. . . . Why is it that some Christians, although they hear many sermons, make but slow advances in the divine life? Because they neglect their closets, and do not thoughtfully meditate on God’s Word. They love the wheat, but they do not grind it; they would have the corn, but they will not go forth into the fields to gather it; the fruit hangs upon the tree, but they will not pluck it; the water flows at their feet, but they will not stoop to drink it. From such folly deliver us, O Lord. . . .”

“If sinners be damned, at least let them leap to Hell over our dead bodies. And if they perish, let them perish with our arms wrapped about their knees, imploring them to stay. If Hell must be filled, let it be filled in the teeth of our exertions, and let not one go unwarned and unprayed for.”
― Charles H. Spurgeon

Though me and Mr Ozzy osbourne have our differences we both unite as he sings that impressive song of his…Dreamer….. 

i’m just a dreamer…..’ 

Till Next 

Finn’ 

a quick morning post- written two days ago

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Its 5:41 am…. 20 minutes remain before the power goes off at 6, mom is in the kitchen busy at work, my dog is barking her head off from our home’s top floor, a lone man is busy at work watering a plot that is under construction near our home….. A few minutes before I was walking on the roof, spending a few minutes with my doggy before I rush off to sleep, I am to leave for chennai in another 5 hours….. I spent the weekend at my mom’s place in Vellore…. Since my doggy’s attention is solely on the canine intruder who had un-ceremonially chosen to park her rear in front of our house’s gate,An act that infuriated the beast in my canine as she hurled territorial bark after territorial bark that rose high in the air destructing the sacred silence that hung low in the early morning hours, this is my house it seemed to say….  I have slipped stealthily to the room where the stairs begin in order to catch a few minutes of mind time before my doggy realizes that I had tricked her… I attempt to get into a groove, a rhythm of expression… The blank space as usual enervates me enough no matter how pumped and ready I am, I embrace the pressure, nothing comes easy… That is exactly the way i’d want it, things that are gotten easily no matter our devotion seem to have no longevity in terms of our mind in cherishing and valuing it… Have you ever gotten up on stage in front of hundreds of people…? I have multiple memories where I have screwed on stage, but that stage represents the heights of my longing, my hunger to conquer and tame it so that my heart can finally be heard beyond the probing, penetrating and presumptuous minds of people who seek ready to rip and applaud in the same breath. But I believe that writing is work, its exercise, back in my boarding school days I had to toughen up since I was picked on by bullies and dictator type wardens and teachers… Punishment was readily given for any presumed act of disobedience and presumed rebellion, I was unfortunately on the receiving end of most of these generous blows that poured and rained…. What those blows did to a shy kid’s mind is something i’d rather not touch upon, but one good thing that it did, it toughened me mentally, I had to put in long hours of exercise in order to handle the pain of punishment that involved caning and standing… Of course I could’ve just studied a lot harder and gone to class on time, but when did I ever learn things the easy way…? I had to do a lot of push ups and pull ups in order to withstand all those years of tribulation and trials…. I remember back then I could do fifty push ups without breaking a sweat and under 30 seconds… I skipped a hundred in thirty… I could easily do fifteen pull ups on any of the bars and slabs that I got my hands on to…. My heart had plenty of anger and angst and rejection to work through and all those sessions with the bricks, the punching bag and bars did help…. But in my heart of hearts inspite of my dramatic change and rise to power I still was that same soft and sensitive kid, I could never outgrow him for some strange reason…. I believe God wanted that kid in me, that child who was perceptive enough to the pain of others and the kid who had a ready word of encouragement for bully and victim… I hope that I don’t come off as cocky… I am anything but… I am proud of overcoming all those experiences, proud because I have no idea of how I surpassed them… Academically I was a major flop because I much rather would dream of stories that I would make into movies someday rather than get interested enough to actually take an effort in learning the boring concepts of physics and chemistry, English and History were my favorite subjects… I found that I always had a lot of interest when it came time to learn these two subjects… But in the Indian system… History does not make an appearance after tenth standard… I am sure the ones who decided on the syllabus were incredible geniuses… So history was not there to give me a boost post tenth standard… But I still had english… And I absolutely loved the subject…. What was not there to love….? Save for grammar which I found boring and excruciating to gather…. I loved the stories and poems…. I would write down the lines of the poems that I learnt into my notebooks and when it came time for study hour( a monotonous routine where we were expected to study for 2 hours under the watchful gaze of a supervisor slash teacher) I would read it over and over…. Cherishing each word and sentence, I would practically lose myself in the heights that it took me into…. I was not easy to understand… Heck I had trouble understanding myself… I rebelled when I felt some teacher wanted to exert his superiority, I rebelled against that wicked desire to exert pain by force… I did not rebel against his authority nor did I take away his respect, I rebelled when he did wrong…. In my personal life, I always never had any trouble making friends, but at times I saw that being in a group took away from me my own individuality and originality, those were the early years, I balanced that out by assuming a lone ranger type persona where I spent hours reading, working out and wandering into the nature rich atmosphere that my boarding school had in abundance… My school was located deep in the heart of south India, 40 kms away from thirunelveli a place famous for inter caste flare ups and hindu temples… It is said that the tamil community that lived here belonged to the most culturally rich dynasty once upon a time… The accent was different here, the people had pointed mustaches and wore lungis, I did not have much time to observe them anyway since I lived away from the town, Santhosha Vidhyalaya(the name of my school) was located in a simple village and built in a compound surrounded by red bricks and pointed iron wires…. I studied alongside hundreds of missionary kids…. The school was constructed chiefly to support missionary families, since missionaries traveled constantly in order to spread the gospel, their kids sometimes missed out on a stable education experience…. Hence the school… There were plenty of rich christian experiences… But there was a dark side as well…. There was harsh discipline and vendettas carried out by certain power hungry teachers and wardens, and though there was the wealth of friendship and general camraderie, I had trouble grasping who I was… Being shy came with a price, there was the endless teasing and name calling that I had to endure, there was the ugly duckling type phase that I had to go through, there was that stage where I really had no clue as to what I was deep inside, if I was any good, because for all I knew all the cruel taunts seemed to be true….. But somehow the grace of God was upon me… For in all those years where I was lost and suffered greatly for being unwilling to stand up and become who I wanted to be… my heart went tremendous sorrow… Its only now that I understand that those years were so since I did not know God personally, when I was born my mother had dedicated me to do God’s work…. Now I heard a colleague of mine say that those whom the God wishes to do His work success would often elude them in other affairs of their lives…. Lol, I don’t know what to make of that sentiment…. In a way it does answer this constant dark cloud that I felt was suspended over my head… But God has always been kind and right now I don’t remember much or almost anything of what I went through all thanks to the glory of God, all the weight of my past that needed a batman type mind in order to sort through seems to have vanished… Like a friend of mine blogged in her own blog…. I know Christ exists mainly because of what He has done in my personal life…..!

Meanwhile the air waves suddenly were filled with the pious wails of a nearby mosque, the brief while that I had been upstairs, I realized that a thick blanket of clouds had covered the sky, a thought that depressed me since I could not sneak a glance at all at the stars of the very sky where all the great eagles roamed freely in the heights of light, but it was dark now, a thin transparent veil that slowly would depart as the bride of dawn would soon be united with the sky…. The mistress’s time had run out…. My heart was filled with a mild form of anger, an anger that was slowly dividing its energy between arguments and fierce rhetoric….. Was I furious …? I did not know, was my mind bothered with a form of disrespect that practically contained that cruelty of pride and arrogance… Yes…. Now I know very well that a majority of the world lives in a darkness that they comprehend not and the cross of Christ is foolishness to them who are perishing, I don’t mean it in a manner of judgment, but rather as a reality that needs to be sought after, a truth that has to inspected with an open mind that embraces the truth….Did not Christ say that He sends us as doves into packs of ravening wolves that are ready to tear and rip us apart…?

A friend of mine for the past few weeks had been posting pretty strong opinions on his wall every now and then, now I did my best to not pay any heed, I liked this guy as a friend I felt like he was a big brother to me and I looked upto him a lot of times, and though he could be gruff and over masculine and assertive I liked him a lot,Hiis posts however directly attacked Christianity and all of which were filled with a form of indignance and a sort of scorn, now I post verses and feel good messages on my wall all the time…. I had no say on what people wanted to post on their walls… Freedom of speech is something that I fiercely believe in as well as Free will, man was the master of his own destiny, and though I seek to spread the gospel I do it at the beckoning of the Holy spirit and not out of my own sense of pity, the Holy spirit chose us when we were saved by the Cross, every saved soul is Chosen by God… I firmly believe that we are all sons and daughters of GOD, Every single one of us… Being  a christian does not make us any much higher in God’s estimation, did not Jesus constantly pronounce judgment on the self righteous hypocrites…? Knowing and understanding Jesus and His marvellous character is something that brings out all the love I have in my heart, throughout my life I have fallen in love with personalities, women and with the affairs of the human heart, but never have I felt such a consuming love for anyone else than my Lord and savior… Jesus Christ… A love that I have trouble comprehending, a love that is perfect despite my many imperfections, I guess this is what true love feels like…! And that is exactly why I take offense when people seem to post a piece of their mind without knowing my savior, I don’t know if I am in the right or wrong when I take this position, even when I did not know Christ personally I betrayed Christ like peter, pretending on the outside, but never for once did I want to become Judas…! I loved Him too dearly even when I knew Him not…. Loving Him is not hard, its the easiest thing in the world…. Why now I wear it on my sleeve, my wrists, my phone, my wall, my heart … Everywhere that I can visibly see I want this love to be proclaimed and spoken with great reverence and pride and overwhelming affection…. I ask you again was there a man like the Christ in all of history…..? Who was without a trace of pride or arrogance, who held such compassion, who transformed the most ordinary of men into brave revolutionary martyrs who willingly perished for the sake of spreading his message, messengers without whom the message of Christ would’ve never reached our ears and our heart…! Was there ever a man like my Jesus….? Don’t you ever speak ill of Him without knowing Him in your heart, without feeling that heart of His…. That very heart that loves you despite all our cruelty and wickedness…. That very heart that wants to love you and teach you the way of life, that heart that is hurt when you push him aside…. Oh it is fervent prayer that you find him, He is not that far away, you don’t need a church in order to find Him, you don’t need an agency to locate Him or a telescope in order to see Him… Close your eyes and break your heart of its rebellion and hatred and He will be right there…. My savior is everywhere… Like the psalmist says in Psalms 139:7-10 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. Perhaps these people of whom I once was a living part of know not what the love of GOD means for their life, they make Him out to be some cruel dictator , someone who is arrogant and absent , someone who is to blame for all the miseries and wickedness of this world, no wonder they don’t hesitate to hurl insults and cast stones at my savior’s face, I ask my Lord the same question so many times… Why LORD …? Why must you suffer so greatly even now…? Why can’t they see that they hurt you because of the light that you shine so clearly into their hearts, the very light that troubles and cringes them to their own wickedness and cruelty, don’t they know that there is no purity of heart without you…? But I have the answer from my own life, the biggest sinner of all time does not get to feel sorrow for causes of righteousness…. I am as flawed as the rest of the hateful generation, it is only the cross that has taken away my pain, my cruelty, my wickedness and my great human failures, without Christ I am nothing…..!

Billy Graham was not joking when he said that we needed to share the same rejection that Christ went through when we take up a cross…. An obnoxious and victorious sense of sarcasm that dripped with arrogance coated my friends words and insults as he posted nauseating and hurtful remarks making fun of Christianity, I have seen this in many men before, most men of science usually take this tone of condescension and smug intellectual superiority, No wonder a thing as simple Faith seems so outrageous and far fetched to them since they take refuge in the ready answer giving nature of Science, the tone that seems amused that such an outrageous claim that there is someone above the skies who holds all the destinies of man to them seems filled to the brim with hypocrisy and age old superstition, Carl Sagan, Richard Hawkins and George Carlin have all that same tone, that mannerism that a man of science belongs higher up in the grand scheme of things and that the fate and progress of mankind is presumably in their hands, Men who like to think that they are Gods, Men who are so sure and cocky that there can be no divine realm, who laugh at a incomprehensible yet tantalizingly simple subject such as Faith and men who are convincing people in the millions of the gospel of science, a so called path that relies solely on facts, statistics and of course is based on the foundational wisdom of what the eyes see it believes. Richard Dawkins  has many times repeated that He is not afraid of the wrath of God, since there were a million of them out there…. I realize that no display of God’s power can open a heart that is closed to itself…!

To add insult to injury , the Pope the so called spiritual leader of the Modern world in a public statement confessed that Science seemed to have the answers for creation and that evolution seemed to be true, but he also conceded that he would rely on Faith to answer the gaps and the burning question that has haunted millions of scientists all over the years, Where did everything come from….? I know this subject has been cast into millions of fervent debates and plenty of sermons, but I wonder if the answer that emerged had any final say on the matter….? Since when can faith be proved in a microscope or by persuasion…?

A few examples of quotes that I came across that triggered my anger…

And if there were a God, I think it very unlikely that He would have such an uneasy vanity as to be offended by those who doubt His existence

Dr. House: You can have all the faith you want in spirits, and the afterlife, and heaven and hell, but when it comes to this world, don’t be an idiot. Cause you can tell me you put your faith in God to get you through the day, but when it comes time to cross the street, I know you look both ways.

I find myself in that corner of facebook where everything seems sinister and dark, sites such as richard dawkins, atheist proud of it… etc which seem to proffer glory upon glory to a system of understanding that man created after years of blunders and hardwork has gone on to overtake and overpower man into believing that Man was above all notions and thoughts of God…. I know this is more spiritual warfare, I have to rely on GOD and less on me, the answers would come and I need not worry myself too much… I needed those answers personally so that some lost soul who finds his ways passing mine can take a note of it in order to bring his heart closer to the all embracing love of Christ, or maybe that answer is faced by some believer who has grappled with it for ages, so you see an answer is essential, but my simple faith is more than enough for me, answers would come, prayers needed to be prayed, I have to take note of the invisible realm of the great deceivers who have for long persuaded man into believing that he held the world in his hands… Did not the serpent himself in the garden promise Eve that the apple would make her like a God…? So I am not really bothered.. I will pray for my fellow brother to learn the truth not to prove him wrong but so that he may have something to lean on in the tough times of life, a someone who would teach him that life is more than rigid childish arguments and intellectual hatred…. I started this post with thoughts of answering back…. But I realize that no amount of evidence can make sense to someone who firmly believes that this age is in the hands of man, the astrologers call this the age of Aquarius, Scientists constantly say that utopia is upon us even though evidence everywhere of man induced destruction, diseases, climactic warnings are upon us…. I rest now this post because of two points… I have to bring my dog back from balcony upstairs… She is making those cute noises that I adore, she is quite young and can become scared about doggy phantoms and monsters…. Two…. The power goes off in another fifteen minutes or so…. So until next time warriors…! Peace be unto you 🙂