What I wish for

Standard

( my days have become rather chaotic… My health has been on the low end, I am still recovering from a pretty serious bout with sinus and two twisted ankles.. My attention has been further more pathetic, and happens to be the real reason I could not get out a few posts in.. That and the power in my hometown that gets taken every couple of hours)
I wish there were lesser queue lines and more friendly counter faces,
I wish there were fewer accidents and fatalities,
I know people’s lives gotta end sometime, maybe its today or maybe its tomorrow is where it seems to be,
I wish life had fewer worries, I wish the skies had more stars during the dark lonely nights of the soul,
I wish there was less disease and suffering, I wish certain things never happened,
I wish my mom had more hours to sleep in, I wish my sister didn’t have to worry about things so much,
I wish my dog lived longer years,
I wish I could love everyone I meet just like Christ loved this poor selfish sinner called me,
I wish I said enough words to people I meet to let them know how wonderful and beautiful they are,
I sometimes wish I could swim with the whales in the ocean and fly with the eagles and the Angels through the upper heavenlies,
I wish I had all the answers to life’s problems,
I wish I never faltered and trembled in my faith,
I wish I had the heart of a child and saw the world without hopelessness and frustration,
I wish I could martyr my life for faith and not let fear dictate my faith,
I wish people saw more into my heart and stopped judging me for my passionate outbursts of emotion,
I wish more people realize that they have an option to be free,
I wish I could write lines that could pierce one’s soul with its beauty,
I sometimes wish I can take away the fear and the hatred that creeps up into a heart scorned and mocked,
I wish I had enough money to take away all my parents uncertain fears,
I wish I had enough money to buy a meal for every beg and cry bursting from a lost soul hungry and homeless,
I wish I had enough resources to give him or her a roof to stay under and a bed to lie down upon,
I wish I had the cure for Aids, I know I dreamt that I did have a cure when I was 13 years old,
I wish I had some magical way to make everyone’s sorrows fly away, but I do have an answer… He is the only answer …!
I wish I could see more beyond this veil called reality, this drowning of sensory and olfactory aint satisfactory,
I wish I could bring joy into the hearts of kids who sport a frown, I wish I could cure the social ills and evil of my nation’s marginalized,
I wish I could fly away to a jungle or a hill when I felt like it, I do need some place quiet in order to recuperate,
I wish I had two versions of me, one to pursue my dreams in the big city and the other to watch ma and sis and guard them as they sleep,
I wish I did not love the big city, I wish I was more normal and simple,
I wish that whenever I travel between the city and the town some part within me doesn’t have to die, doesn’t have to wage a war between ten million unseen faces mocking my life’s choices and status,
I wish someday I’d let people who told me that I would never amount to anything, I wish that I’d let them know that I am capable of much more than their poverty stricken imagination,
I wish someday that I become a writer who lets my parents feel proud for just one second to count off the eternal hours of anguish which I’m sure they suffered since the time of my inception,
I wish someday I could lift up my shoulders and actually feel in my heart that my life actually meant something ,
I wish I could win an Oscar, a Grammy and a Booker.. But not necessarily in that order(Lol) ,
I certainly have quite the extensive bodywork or rather mindwork of day dreams and random diary entries to prove it..!!
I wish one of these days I run into that girl whose name had once eluded me for 3 looong years and a lot more when I developed a silly infatuation over her( I just want her name… Nothing more)
I wish I could call Ricky the strong manipuri guy who owned me on more than one occasion and challenge him for a rematch… You’re the only guy who has ever beaten me one on one in my entire life Rick ,
I wish I could go back to my old college and play unfinished rivalries out, you guys never had anything on me anyway, everytime you laughed at me behind my back or cast strange looks at me when I still practiced with the lights all out I felt every nook and cranny of your snobbish condescension, I remember your silly self absorption and your vain ways… But I say remember, like a twist in a knob and a reach into back of my mind across vast stretches of forgotten memories.. I want y’all to know.. I’m ready whenever, wherever…!
I wish I could reach back in time and undo tremendous blunders,
Cut off meaningless wonders, I wish I had focused more on God and His wonders and less on me and my own disenchanted self,
I wish I could save someone from their doom like a superhero or atleast make someone smile with a silly hello make them think in their minds oh, what a silly fellow,
I wish I could meet Billie holiday and Nina Simone, or Jordan or Russell Crowe,
I would love to meet Nietzsche and tell Him madness aint worth a damn thing,
Socrates…? I’d love to question him with a thing or two about life and its abundant misdirections,
I wish I never took it personally whenever someone took a blow at my Lord, but there are somethings that are anything but personal and Christ is one of them,
I wish I knew how to rely more on Him, I wish I didn’t have to psychoanalyze every passing second hoping to get a glimpse of my divine destination,
I wish I saw a lot more angels, felt the kindness of a million different obscure selfless strangers, listened to all the greatest meaningful stories, slept under the shadow of all the lovely oak trees and dreamt all the right undreamt dreams,
I wish I knew the answers that mattered, convinced atheists out of their sad and disillusioned madness.., I wish I hadn’t broken down hearts.., spoken so many righteous sounding lies and attempted to listen more than recede into my own personal madness at that time,
It all sounds so personal and makes me feel so vulnerable now,
But this early morning tryst was all my own idea,
I wish there was some antidote that could be taken while revealing a heart,
I wish I had spent more time on Jesus than a million other deceptively manipulative Gods,
I wish I could see only good news everytime I opened a newspaper or switched on a newchannel,
I wish there were more birds than ordinary crows, I wish for sparrows and kingfishers and larks and blue jays and owls and Macaus and magpies and swans and gentle lakes and sands with reeds and waving bamboos and endless golden sunsets ,
I wish there was a way to never feel anger or self conscious or insecure and that bad kind of lonely,
I wish there was some way of experiencing both the night and day in equal ways,
I wish procrastination never froze a manuscript nor hikes exaggerate the value of fuel and I sure do hope for raises for every long suffering human being,
I wish grand ideas for every attemptor of words, plays and films,
I wish them success too, not the kind that gets in the head though,
I wish there was no greed or self righteous hypocrisy, no self vanity, no pride and no arrogance within me,
I wish that every man and woman see the immaculate glory inherent in the man of Jesus, I wish every soul kneel and worship that soul who was God and God’s only son who paid for the sins of all mankind and was obedient to the point of death, even death on the cross, I wish every soul felt in urgency the message of love and forgiveness and never listened to any lie whispered by the devil,
I wish we all saw that we all belong to one big family, and sought to resolve our differences by unity in Christ,
I wish there was understanding enough for all souls,
I wish there was enough love more than the vile nature of hate that makes men evil in their hearts,
I wish God comes soon to take away all of the world’s shame and sorrow…,
I wish for empty stomachs to be fed and hungry hearts to be loved ,
I wish above all for God to be found and for love to be shared all around..!
   ( I’m really sleepy … Do forgive me for any form of written blunders….)
  

Misunderstood- Re-post( Completed version)

Standard

The evening is mellow, the skies a rich sheath of golden yellow, a few lone birds fly away in hurried plunges into the warm air swooping in and out like a rushing wave, a few melodic notes of chirps and delightful tweets are heard from the restful slumbering trees, the evening was still young, Paul drank in the moods of the evening as his mind wandered a million miles away. The air was soft, a gentle silent waft that felt like a soothing peck on one’s cheek. The leaves were swaying and sighing, Paul looked at all the huge buildings nearby from the vantage point of his room, they appeared blind in some way, aloof to the presence of life within their deeply constructed pits. Dramatic pigeons flapped their wings with questioning cooes and disgruntled grunts, everything was beautiful, everything was transient, Paul had decided that he existed not in this grand reflective mood that beckoned him to further introspection. He was as one with the evening, all the elements that served as an ingredient for this grand recipe of unmatched delightful relish were felt with a gravity that afflicted his heart. He wished at times that he did not feel things as intensely as he felt, he saw too much into these things,he sometimes wished that he did not possess this acute tendency of perception, but it was alright.

She was not here now, she was working probably at the moment buried underneath layers of documents, stuck in an office , stuck in the soulless gloom, trapped inbetween walls with windows that had thick curtains to block out that life giving quality of light, those very windows shut the chaos of the modern city life in all its vulgar splendor and created in its place a sterile environment of constantly ringing telephones, click clacking of keys on computers, and the familiar feel of whispers that were spoken in tones low and filled with claustrophobic paranoia . She was probably working in an air-conditioned room right now, he wouldn’t know.. She had made it clear that he was never to enter her zone of work… But right here at this very moment he felt compelled to swim deeper into the probing ache of stirred fancy, so the place probably had shining tiled floors that reflected the creamy glare of the ceiling tubes, she probably had her own cubicle, her own waste paper basket and her own wooden furnished  desk and a pc that stayed on all the time for no damn reason, he did not want to wander beyond into those foul corridors of business where everything was hidden and buried, he was a preacher after all, and not just any preacher… A preacher sensitive to the charming disillusions of the world’s preoccupations… Did not resentment and ambition battle daily in that charged egoic arena…? Did not the struggle for power constantly manifest itself in undulating variety..?

He did not claim an understanding of the whys and the hows of her life’s choices. He was not bothered about that at all, he never had, he knew only that he loved her, and she loved him, and that was the sum of it all. She would be back in an hour or so, ranting about all the unjust things of the world, fussing about the dark chaotic despair that accompanied the need to rush past layers and layers of impenetrable traffic and she would then as usual finish her righteous indignation fueled tirade with an adorable ‘ I missed you’ that would usually be rewarded with a hug of his own. They had been married for four years by now and he had to smile that she still managed to surprise him with her thoughtful gestures, he thought back to the time that they had first met… He remembered it pretty clearly, how could he forget the day when he had met the angel who had cast a spell…? It had been through a mutual friend, he was just getting started with the whole preaching thing back then, she had ignored him at first sight , Jenny had mistaken his obliviousness for rudeness not realizing that he had a knack for wandering away in his mind, she had heard from her friend that back in her church he tended to shy away from the mainstream folk, she assumed that it was because he felt ashamed of being a Christian or something of that sort. But when they had gotten introduced to each other, she realized that he was completely the opposite of what she had assumed, there was a genuine warmth and kindness that he exuded and a happy go lucky attitude that strangely drew her more towards him. They had fallen for each other that night, it slowly blossomed into a romance and after 2 years of courtship, they had decided that it was time that they took their love to the next level. Now four years later, he had to truly thank God for her, she really was a blessing and loving her ranked among the best feelings in his life.

Paul felt his mind wander away, Jenny knew well about his passion for Jesus, she shared it too, they were both strongly committed to Christ but at times the sheer burden of the faith got to him especially since he wore his heart on his sleeve. Paul was open minded, he was not one of those preachers who fiercely expounded solely on God’s wrath alone, No… He believed that God’s wrath served a purpose, it did not mean that He was wrath alone… But above all God was love, why would a God of wrath give His own son to die for all the most hideous crimes and sins of all of mankind…? God in His opinion never ever did a wrong thing, He was perfect, the alpha and the omega, it was always man who rebelled against divine authority and invoked the wrath and jealousy of God.

A recent experience meanwhile prowled into his pleasant state of mind, he had recently tried talking to a friend about Christ. The guy identified himself as an atheist, but Paul knew that there was more to that admission than pride and belief but that particular stand offered a great deal of freedom into all the seemingly inexhaustible notions of popular culture, of hip notions and of a fashionable intellectual exhibition… And if he were to add his own observations, his friend maintained that stand because of his own sense of righteous indignance… One only needed to poke him a little on that front and watch the same predictable explosion that would open up great speeches on the world’s sufferings, of the church intruding into the personal life of citizens, of limiting sexual freedom and a million other reasons…cough… excuses that he utilized to perfection … Over the years Paul had been patient with him, he cared a great deal about this particular friend, they had been friends for quite a while, and over the years Paul knew that sometimes trying too hard to preach the gospel could at times have the opposite effect on a person’s heart.  People had their hearts filled with all kinds of worldly things, and cheap spiritual counterfeits, people had built huge walls of dogma and self made ideological hypocrisies to keep God out and Satan used exactly that to craftily  further his own agendas of darkening the truth of God’s light. But as the Bible said in John 1:5 “The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.”

He sometimes wondered if he was putting jenny in harm’s way, because he as a preacher at times had to say some pretty bold and harsh things, but he was not angry at his congregation, he was angry at the chains that bound their souls and hearts, even in the churches that he preached, he was devastated and hurt to see that Satan ruled the lives of so many Christians .. That provoked the spirit of God and there would be times when he rained pure fire from that pulpit, powerful words rushing through the transformational power of the Holy Spirit.. Were they not prisoners of Christ…? Did not the Apostle Paul preach in Philippians 3:8 that

” Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ.”

Why didn’t they understand…? Could they not see…? A life lived with Christ was meant to be lived victoriously, he knew well about the the struggles, the pains, the sicknesses, the endless disappointments that accompanied the Christian life, when people accepted Christ, he reminded them time and time again that the Bible spoke of abandoning or rather demoting the self, our hearts are called to be in union with Christ which means that we no longer need to rely on our will and determination, did not God say that if you called me with all your heart that I would come and deliver you…? Who ever spoke about the Christian walk and life as being the simple, easy going nowhere type of a life…? The call to being a christian was a call unto war, for not only are Christians battling the odds and the harsh circumstances that this world is at the moment stuck in, there was a battle being waged eternally in the heavenly realms, Angels fighting away demons, He loved them all too much, anytime he saw a family, a believer in doubt, he spent time with them, he explained things to them, he made sure that he encouraged them to the best of his ability, but he realized that he could never reach them all and that bothered him. He did not belong to any particular type of church, he was not the type who felt like he belonged in any one place, his model of imitation was that of his Lord that he adored and praised all day long, to travel, to walk miles and preach, in charming little villages, in dead end towns, in big loud and noisy cities, in churches but since he had gotten married to the love of his life, things had changed. The call was still as persistent as ever, He had promised God that he could take him anywhere he wanted to, but Paul had asked God for that wandering pattern to be fixed in a particular location. He wanted to be close to Jenny, he cared a great deal about her, he did not want to bring any undue pressure on their relationship by adding distance to their romantic equation. And though Paul felt guilty when he had asked God about it, he felt that maybe that was God’s plan after all, in his early years he had relied on his sheer passion and fire to preach, but now as he aged his sermons though never lacking in power and delivery and confrontation, came to have a layer of depth and thoughtfulness, he meditated more on the word of God these days since the time in the city afforded him a lot more study time, and he made sure that he completely devoured his Bible. Sure there were the long periods of doubts and confusions, but he embraced them and rather enjoyed them since they as always led to a higher truth that had evaded him all those years.

It seemed like Jenny was growing more beautiful everyday. He did not know what it was about her that drew him so much, he frankly did not care, beauty did not need a reason,a logic or an argument… It was always something that you felt… In the deepest parts of your heart, in that place that was sacred and personal and lost to sight….he could not endure a day without her smile and her touch. Though he was the more patient of the two, he still blamed the clock for its take on the distance between the digits, he blamed the clock especially for its lazy stroll during the final ten minutes before it touched 6. He really did not want to let Jenny know that he actually waited every single second during the last half an hour or so before she arrived, No Sir’ e, that would mean that Miss Ignore all day for the sake of work would be justified in her own actions. He really never had a problem when it came to acceptance, but on this one thing alone he made sure that he gave her enough grief, at least until Miss High and mighty reached the ground floor.

He wished that he could feign cold indifference with the nature and the state of the world, but he could not, he was a preacher, and a preacher was a fisher of men, a preacher got into the dirt, wrestled with demons, wrestled with all the turbulent desires of the flesh and lived righteous and pure in the eyes of God, the life of the preacher spoke more than his fiery sermons, the personal nature and compassion spoke more than a million sermons on Love. Paul took his work pretty seriously, he could not stand aside and see countless lives being constantly snuck away into hell. He was responsible, he knew that Jenny endured a certain level of contempt in her workplace because of the nature of his work, but she would not say a word to him, he worried if he was putting her in harm’s way. He did not have to worry about it in this stage of his life, but Satan did have his methods of creating doubts, of rising up barriers, of casting in serious appearing fears, creating rifts, fissures, walls etc etc.

Perhaps to take his mind away from the nauseating wavelengths was the shrill ring of the doorbell in their small one bedroom apartment. He shrugged himself off of his reverie, the object of his attention was here. His heart did a double leap, he did his best to calm the immediate rush of childish hormonal infatuation driven feelings but he was fighting a losing battle. He opened the door, and there she was… All of those slender curves packed in a 5’6 frame,  some snug jeans and a professional full hand shirt that was drawn to its sleeve, he saw her head bent into her hand bag, she was searching for her keys with a cute frustrated scowl, he watched on with an amused expression…. she was so absorbed in her frustrated search for the house keys that she had not realized that he had opened the door… ‘ Ahem..Honey…?’,  ‘ Not now Paul, i’m searching for the keys..’, He waited for things to gradually descend into the brain of his hot preoccupied woman, and sure enough… Her head shot right up, he was rewarded with a sheepish grin, ‘Whoops..!’ she said with a silly smile… Paul just stood there, ravishing her with his smile, ‘ Hey you’ he said , ‘Hey yourself hot stuff” she said without missing a beat, they stood looking at each other, ‘ Soo did you miss me….?’ she asked coyly with a flirtatiously adorable grin, ‘ Well I wouldn’t know… I tend to be pretty absent minded and all that…’ he said wantingly playing his hesitation card well knowing that she would fall like a weighted apple every single time, but he approached her closer as he said it with a smug look, she had an adorable pout on her face as she twisted the leather handle of her handbag , ‘I missed you all day babe, why don’t you ever call…?’ she said with a voice of desperation, there it was… Ok time to loosen up…. ‘ Sweetie you hardly call me, I send you like a million cute I miss you messages….’ Paul said sweetly as he cuddled her in his arms, ‘ I’m sorry I have an arrogant snob of a boss who is too nosy for his own good babe, I told you about the way he demeans me in front of everybody, so i’m not gonna give him any reasons to get one up on me..’ Jenny whispered into Paul’s chest. ‘Ssh I got you sweetheart, you’re home now’ whispered Paul as he tightened his grip on her, whatever tomorrow would bring he cared not, whatever form of venomous counter attack against the gospel satan would bring out of the mouth of the hardened, whatever fate awaited them, Paul did not care, for in his arms God had given him all that he ever would need and want, as for the rest God would take care.

Finne’

Questions

Standard

What does it mean…?
To continually command the narration with the right flow of feels and just that right amount of the soaked feeling night ..?
Why is there this unquenchable feeling of raw delight that on somedays just plain refuses to subside..? 
Why is there this feeling that there is something bigger and unseen..?
If music is from the heart… Where does madness come from..?
Why is there this feeling that in the end happiness is all that truly is, no matter what we seek like lonely pilgrims trudging barren streams,
Why can’t people admit to their fear of the future..?
Dont they worry about it all night..?
Why cant people just leave me alone and say, mmm perhaps he really has something to say,
And stop treating me like I’m sort of crazy, and stop all of that convincing to your own wounded pride, don’t be so self possessed and deprive my hard earned dissertation of its stirring touch,
Isn’t it strange that all those moments of pain that once threatened to eat you alive have now become like dancing shadows that try to break a heart as strong as stone..?
Why is it that I want to search endless layers to reach upon words like a star studded freeway littered with dreams…?
Why am I waiting with every pant of my own life to stumble upon what will eventually turn out alright..?
So let the story begin, am I a sell out or a complete sold out..?
My poetry is inflected with different waves and open waters, rejections only propel my lyrical flow to reach more into the depths of my soul, my heart is the temple of God, why do I feel so often like I’m the only one left in the universe…?
Who was it who said, Art exposes the soul.. Oh wait that was me, anyway who cares..?
I wish I could dip my hands through into the rushing waves of air and drink their fleeting drops of freedom and insight,
First things first, life’s bittersweet, don’t listen to the lies its all about hypocrisy in this world, truth is found only in Jesus Christ , I hope you find sometime sooner than later that no one really cares.. He is the only one who cares with all His heart,
One of these days I’m going to find the cure for Aids, maybe its a smile.. A hug.. Some love and heartfelt prayers, or maybe its just God…! 
On the subject of God… Amp it up Kanye… JESUS WALKS… You know what the Midwest is..? Young and restless…??
What’s the basis for your over the top infatuation with Jesus they all snicker in grins with blades in their teeth,
How hard is it to find hope in the midst of all our worldly sickness…?
Tell me now, why should I not talk about Jesus…?
You know how I found out who I was, its because I wept my heart out at the feet of Jesus,
Jesus the friend of prostitutes,criminals, atheists and non-believers and society’s misfits, Jesus the only man who really truly cared, tell me why I cant talk about my Jesus..? 
And all the demons dance their primal dance of death, toasting their horns to all the souls lost, their arrogant wickedness gloating over the fall of mankind..God’s jewel,
I no longer need to bow my head in defeat vile morning star,
When the fate of all humanity was lost to the end of time,
Until Jehovah – the great ancient of days stepped in and sent His one and only begotten son to pay for the stink of my own ugly vulgar soul and all the unpaid sinful debt of every human heart, when everything seemed to be lost forever, Calvary and the road less travelled, sacrifice and that glorious resurrection that broke the gates of hell once and for all,
Maybe I write this under the tears of the stars, for only they have seen their maker bear the cross that bruised his noble shoulder, the cross that made all of heaven weep ,
Its just a matter of time… Dont worry dear child a voice seems to say to me… It will all be over…,
You can’t stop us now… So no matter what…. We gonna stick to the script that Faith preached
Faith is devoid of modern technology… Faith is smaller than even a mustard seed, in this pseudo irrelevant generation where fast speaks.. Its almost obsolete,
This world they throw stones in the pouring rain, all they are interested in is making a dollar, the nights are cold when you are stuck in the soulless belly of struggle, put don’t presume anything young soldier… Can’t control how things roll over…keep the Faith Christian… But Lord how many families struggle for just one good homecooked meal, for love and hope..? Its hard enough to just be real and preach when people think you have all the answers, so no matter how hard, intense and demeaning my inner struggle, I will stand up against the harsh raining killing bullets and do my best to love my brother and sister but the night is just so cold and lonely and filled with rain… Where art thou dear Lord when the waves rage and the storms scream…? Screams the non believer with a burning heart

Feelings

Standard

I wander lost amidst life’s screams ,
Where do I fit in God’s big plan..? 
My poor heart feels sad like a lone dove,
How far away is the distance between two lonely strangers…?
I long to feel a smile, to see eyes look past the body and into the heart, 
But loving.. It.. It takes two, reminds the soft whisper,
There are times when I cant see beyond the mirror of what I normally see and feel,
Times when the mirror is all I see,
I just wish that there was someone who sees what I feel deep in that secret cave of the heart,
I so often stand besides loud wretched streets lustful of modern urban chaos, muttering to no one in particular, talking to myself like a lost homeless soul,
‘ what on earth am I doing here…? ‘
Golden moments lost in the submerged trails of a thousand yesterdays,
Chidlhood preoccupations linger where finding the princess stands aside the promised land and the road not taken,
To swim amidst the stars, Lord are these deepest pieces of me nothing more than mere dreams..?
My heart feels brand new, but this world is strange, so strange, I sometimes don’t even feel a smile ,
I’m through standing in line, this forever stretch of obsolete maze of plunge into the bottomless fall of mere normality,
Take me away Lord … Take me far far away

The journey of a writer- an old post

Standard

I take up the thin collection of essays in my hands, my mind feels the guilt of just letting this work of thoughts jus lie unread in the corner of my bed, I gather my notes and prepare to start working on what needs to be done, there seems to be wall between creating something based on imagination and walking on solid ground that hardly agrees with the delicate sensuality of imagination. One of the greatest drawbacks in my craft is that of not feeling what needs to be expressed in a work of art, now I have always stubbornly believed that something that needs to be said will always find you, writing is different things to different people, I see myself as a novice in a form of art that jealously asks your full soul and in exchange gives you insights, tales of the human heart, journeys into the midnight of the soul, and some sense of parallel living that mirrors human life in a sense but is exceptional in the narration of it. I have always felt that lives are better lived in the words of a page than in a life that is eternally ancient in its lessons and seasons of change. I sit in the agreeable dining room table which occupies the central seat, it appears quite new with its beef red colored flatness, it overlooks the kitchen with a gauze covered window, it is almost four in the afternoon , I started to wonder if the few ordinary thoughts in my head that wandered without much worry were mere fruits of my own peculiar conditioning, was I the same as the million other people who either gave up and receded into the madness of domestic hysteria or turned their life into the magic of corporate mania, faithful vile serpents of the society’s elite upper side whose conversations reeked of fancy hip notions and rightful styles of living and communing, I wondered if I was reaching the edge of my sanity which had undergone quite the syllabus of pain and self doubts. I understand that one has to find his place in this world,but the journey of a writer is of one with words, certain words like certain people who never think new thoughts manage always to trap development and tend to make one believe that that his innermost urges are at best confined to these crude ores, the journey is one of unexpected surprises both pleasant and otherwise, similarly words signal pace and development, words can achieve ethereal greatness in both the same breath as one being saved from the descent of the edge of a cliff by a hanging root that saves one from being smashed to pieces as well as the pleasant strength one finds in the unity of human relationships, the unexpectancy when combined with the realization that one can never be fully prepared enough to grasp life in all its infinitesimal weaves and strands … !

Unsettling feelings – I guess I wrote this 6-8 months ago

Standard

I felt the trees pass by in a hurry, the train picked its pace and passed the distance with a metallic smoothness. One could see the wide open spaces and found them quite unagreeable to his fancy, the roads were narrow and the fields were green, the sun was still up, it had lost some of its resentment and was coloring the fields with a golden glow. There were many people around one, some of them sported frowns, some were lost in a neurotic trance, but as always life lived on within this compartment, one hardly cared for the details surrounding him, his mind was elsewhere, lost and nowhere to be seen. Travelling usually awoke one into a kind of dialogue , but today it had not happened. One felt uncomfortable with a vague sense of thinly veiled panic, thoughts seemed to evade his grip as he felt numb, the trees and the hills seemed to roll further and further away, is life just lived to either fit heaven and hell…? There were no clouds in the sky, it had a faint blue since evening was fast approaching, does one go through life only to suit a religious or philosophical dogma…? Was one ever free…? One harbored no anger towards the almighty, for he felt his presence often, but at times he was clutched with a sense of the world and its infinite sorrows, and he felt a deep divison within his heart, it did not help matters that he felt the least bit of concern, he seemed more and more disconnected and hapless, the most unsettling feeling was that this somehow seemed to be more and more similar to a trap than otherwise( I guess I wrote this long back… Since sinus has totally swamped my brain , I’m a little lazy to write new posts) 

In times of trouble

Standard

Its been a tough couple of days thus far, filled with big disappointments and injuries, and aches and bruises and sicknesses. Three days earlier I had drawn up a plan that reminded me that there was a huge pile of books in my room that needed attention, the plan was simple, I had to center my day to day life around them, read them like I would never read them again, plan b was that I was going to finish all my unfinished blog posts, short stories and experimental type writing exercises, and the latter part of that plan that I drew up involved a heavy dose of scriptural reading, searching the tube for newer messages to feed my gospel fire and spend a lot of time in prayer. The last two ‘to do’s’ ranked among the highest in terms of priority. But as usual when I make big plans, big disappointments closely follow… Not only am I inbetween jobs and a mid-20’s life crisis.. I have been offered sincere deep cutting blows to my planning repertoire on account of the injuries, I was happy in a way that I twisted my ankle, I mean it in the most sportive way possible, I realized that it would be a blessing in disguise as it opened up huge huge time offerings for my own personal agendas.

My life with Christ has  been a little shaky, certain doubts have been eating away at my inner fortress, but I cherish doubts for they offer an avenue or journey of discovery so that I may seek the truth and never take my faith passively and rely merely on answers that are commonly given, I do my best to randomly affect people’s life in some way, it could mean sending Billy Graham’s sermons to their Fb inbox, or sending Bible verses to their phones via messages or consciouly striving harder to walk by Faith and obey humbly the commands of our Lord, I do my part when it comes to spreading the word of God. And I do my best to make sure that my dedication does not speak through sermons alone but through actions, we as Christians are not so devoid of great role models when we search for inspiration and motivation, we are practically swamped with so many, from a young age my mom made sure that she bought me books about great missionaries… So by the time that I reached 9th std, apart from finishing of all the Hardy boys,Nancy drews and Enid Blyton’s that I could find in my school’s library, I was quite aware of the lives of great missionaries, of great preachers and of great men and women of God, and though I struggled throughout my teens with a Jonah type fear about eventually turning out to be some sort of Christian leader which I felt would be a huge blow to my easy going and laidback nature, my mom made sure that I had a good diet of healthy Christian literature. I regularly read Guideposts magazine, and the ‘his mysterious ways’ column was among my favorites, I read a lot of stories about the type of people that I mentioned before. Its strange but the only two schools that I have ever studied in were based on foreign missionaries… My first school Ida Scudder was started by the great medical missionary Dr Ida Scudder, the second school that I later transferred to was started by Amy Carmichael another great missionary who worked amongst the deeply repressed communities of women, in certain Indian traditions of yesteryears , practices such as dowry( paying a lump sum to the male side as part of marriage traditions and marital expectations, this very evil tradition has caused ruin and despair and poverty amongst so many families driving them to the ground), female infanticide( aborting the foetus in case the Baby was a girl, many Indians believe that a girl child is unlucky for their family line),Sati( in case the husband died the wife committed what is considered the ultimate honor and respect by jumping into the funeral fire), there was also child prostitution… Certain girl children were named temple property and they were subjected to all kinds of evil in the name of religion.

Amy Carmichael Amma as she is affectionately called brought not only the gospel to the depths of south India that was deeply rooted to ancient customs and traditions, she was responsible for saving the lives of many girl children, and educating them and offering them a future which was rare for Indian women of that age. So much of evil is suppressed for the sake of history and national pride that it makes me sick when there is hardly any mention of the many lives that were lost for the sake of keeping customs and traditions.. And people wonder why I detest self made rules and cultural customs.

I would be lying if I was not truthful about the impact that the selfless lives of these great people had on me, I made sure that I made myself as worldly as possible just so that I could escape the ever pressing call that rose up in my own heart when I hungrily devoured the pages of those books that kept me company all those very many years ago, my heart was torn and divided, on one side the steady beat of God’s call weighed heavily on me, and on the other side I filled the cylinders of my ever active imagination with all the scores of my dreams, back in school I remember that the only reason that I ever survived those terrifyingly looooong study hours was dreaming about stories which I promised were one day gonna make it to the big screen, I remember this globe being in my pure science class room, and everytime I stared at it I would will my mind to take me further than the last time. So on some days I would be wandering the jungles of Africa looking for strange creatures and gigantic serpents and on other days it would be the amazon jungle swimming across piranha infested waters searching for the remains of the Aztec civilization. Boy was I bummed when they dropped history after tenth standard, for some strange reason history was not important in the Indian curriculum after tenth standard…Go figure…  Boring subjects such as physics(yawn- although I felt intrigued by certain chapters on nuclear physics and rocket science) , chemistry( double yawn, we had to memorize all the names of endless chemical elements of the periodic table, the only reason I even survived was because back in my school there was this guy who practically knew the chemistry book cover to cover, like all the page numbers and all the diagrams and all the boring calculations, my chemistry sir practically gushed about the photographic memory of that guy’s brain whenever he got the chance to goad the weaker student’s section about their lack of ability before the rod met the flesh, and you don’t have to be Einstein to guess who often got the bad end of that shining oil polished bamboo stick which had a knob at the end for grip and reinforcing the strict ideals of discipline that my school was infamous for). In botany and zoology we had to practically learn the names and cellular structure of things that were not even visible to the human eye, the Indian academic curriculum has to be renamed ‘ list of things that you have to mug up and force feed to young and gullible minds that they will probably never ever apply in any future aspect of all their mortal lives.’

Anyways away from my useless meandering into past depths of gloom and despair… I wanna shiine my torch instead on the literature that gave me hope and strength apart from the Count of Monte Christo by Alexandre Dumas and the Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling… A few of them included…. Billy Sunday the great baseball player turned preacher, Reverend Billy Graham who remains my favorite preacher of all time, D.L. Moody, David Brainerd- if I remember it correctly happened to be a mild mannered sensitive man who preached the gospel in the amazon jungle( hope I’m not wrong), David Livingstone, Amy Carmichael, Dr Ida Scudder, among many others. 

Its late in the night over here.. The only sounds that I can hear from my reclining position in the sofa is the constant chopping away of the clock’s fingers ( which strangely unearths a memory of Edgar Allen Poe) and the swimming gush of the fan’s blades as it rotates in its grill… Before I forget what I wanted to actually say, let me get this out.. I twisted both my ankles in a basketball game two days ago, it happened so in the flow of the game that I brushed it off the first time but then after an hour or two it happened on other leg from a much higher descent, as usual twisting it on impact from a teammate’s grounded legs… I limped off the court balancing my weight on both my legs and cursing my fate like Job and feeling with immediacy that charming embrace of my carefully locked down self hatred surround me with an immediacy eager to throw in their two cents of skewed perceptions and opinions about the whole situation. I had twisted my right leg a couple of days earlier but I had shrugged it off and headed right back in, I had a nasty swell the other day but I used that as motivation, drawing inspiration from my basketball heroes such as Michael Jordan when he had the flu game against the Utah Jazz, Derrick Rose when he twisted his ankle in the second round against the Indiana Pacers, Dwyane Wade when he played in the Olympics after a season ending injury the previous season, when a lot of people had written him off but my boy Dwade aka the flash came back better than ever and dropped jaws and stats the entire Olympic tournament and eventually winning the gold medal and hitting the clutch three against Spain in the finals… And Kobe Bryant for shouldering the majority of the Hapless Lakers franchise a couple of years ago when they had no other solid player… Kobe played through intense media scrutiny, through endless injuries to his thumb, his back , his ankles and I could go on and on….So I had quite the playlist of motivation, and my game was coming around, sure I played in a place where practically no attention was ever thrown my way, and my own advanced age (25) has me self stunting my own growth, but basketball was my thang… It has always been my thang.. My refuge when my world crumbled, taunted my life choices and mocked my own so called ambitions… But boy, does basketball teach me life’s lessons in the most absolute lucid devastating manner possible… I remember them all… Everytime I took a lot of effort, hardwork and discipline to master the game some injury or mind state woule come subtly to take that all away and I would be left to begin all over again… I feel like Tracy Mc Grady when I write this all to you… But its the truth… Everytime I rise up I get defeated… And the club that I play for has a tournament coming up this week and voila I have two bad ankles to offer… I made up my mind that I was not gonna miss the opportunity, its not like I have played through pain before… But on waking up the next morning I have this immensely painful headache, on further investigation I find that I have fever and probably sinus( not again o_O), I find that I have not the slightest bit of energy, even tiny things seem to exact an almost Herculean effort… I inform my dad who promptly sent me home the next day, and as I am writing this to you right now… I do so with the aid of antibiotics and my mom and sister’s prayers a few hours ago at my bedside… The toughest thing is to fall asleep, because apart from the sinus, a nasty cold and a persisten headache I have a chest cold… My Faith during the past three days has been severely tested, if you think that I write this all to garner sympathy I would say that that was never my intention, the past three days it has been a challenge to get in front of my pc.. And thinking requires a whole another dimension of effort that frankly seems as far removed as hope in the state of Iran. I usually do my best to pray before I write, for inspiration, motivation and guidance.. But for the past three days I have not the slightest of energy when it comes to praying, and though in my mind I have been wrestling with God as Jacob did over the timing of this all happening, I realize that as always every trial and tribulation is a chance to grow..  why God has permitted all of these things into my life I have not the faintest of ideas, especially sinus which has always been a huge kryptonite for my health… But I was more concerned about the lack of any form of reply from God… Here I was practically struggling with a body that hurts all over, with a throat that feels like tar and gravel every time I take a breath and a head that felt like some hand was inside squishing my brain out all of this I could bear, I could endure, what I really could not bear was the lack of reply from God. A couple of days ago a friend of mine had posted in my school alumni site on facebook that when you accepted Christ you no longer relied on yourself, Christ became your strength and satisfaction, your refuge and resource… He had posted that to another friend of mine named Chris who had posted a question about loneliness and depression.

What was God trying to teach me…? I know that during the past couple of months I had slipped here and there and I had in a moment of impulsive passion asked God to take away my blessings if I ever erred again, was this linked to that…? Because in the past month alone, I had spilt hot burning oil on my fingers , broken my ankle 3 times even though when the year began I had asked God to never let another broken ankle happen to me ever again, and it was not that bad.. Once the first few minutes of intense pain passed away… They are quite manageable with certain home based remedies.. Things are much complicated to discern now, whereas earlier I would’ve taken this as an accident, and endured some unbearable self pitying sessions before inspiration came along like the king who was in the cave who had endured many embarrassing defeats but seeing a spider make repeated attempts at building a web had given him the courage and motivation necessary to charge back and eventually win against the enemy. But now things were different, no longer did I need to lose myself into the meaningless agony of the world where things and events hardly offered any form of hope and comfort, but now I realized that there was a meaning to my life, that God had a purpose for my life, that my Faith was meant to comfort me during the good times and bad, I had the companionship of all three members of the trinity in my prayers.. But this sickness opened up into another confusing realm… Sure I was having a hard time supposedly at the hands of Satan, but what about the millions of others living in the world…? How could I be so selfish and well fed by means of my Faith while I sat around and watched my friends go through addiction to alcohol, to smoking, to drugs and to certain aspects of arrogance that gradually gripped their personalities and made them cynical, atheistic, agnostic and cold…? How could I enjoy the intimacy of my savior when there were many homeless souls lost in the city …? Who slept on the sides of pavements, who begged all day just to get a morsel to eat, who never had a home or financial stability( things that I had always enjoyed) who were lost.. What about victims of abuse…? Domestic, personal and social…? Victims of accidents..? People who committed suicide…? The families that they left behind… People battling through horrible sicknesses of all sorts, handicapped people, leprosy patients.. What about them all…? How could I be enjoying the love of my Christ while the world was being pulled slowly and steadily into the never ending flames of hell….?? Was money really that important…? All my life I had seen people base their lives on money of making sure they had money, power and prestige…, sure money was necessary and very important but do you really wanna earn when you realize that day by day souls are being sucked into the fiery pits of hell…? What made me so special…? What made me so righteous and what justified all of my own personal wickedness….? I felt selfish, greedy and disillusioned… As always I knew the answer, salvation was not something you earned.. It was a gift… Christ died for all mankind, there was everlasting redemption and eternal love that was promised to those who relied on Him, but… Why Lord…? Why …? Why is there so much hopelessness and despair in this world…? Why do I always feel like I have no qualifications necessary in order to even speak your word…?

I did not feel sleepy anymore… I switched on the stupid box… Eager to tune my mind away from these doubts and fears… I blandly switched channels, trying in some way to align my present state of mind to the fickle and materialistic offerings of the idiot box, one channel had a serious dialogue between a hot looking doctor chick and the more grim, cold and emotionless attire of man draped in a fine looking business suit, as usual it was in Hindi… If you all didn’t know by now.. India has over a million languages.. There is so much of a barrier between state to state, but the westernization phenomena has reduced that insanity by a large level… English has become the language of choice of the elite in today’s modern urban community… Speaking good English meant that you had a good education, a good family background and a sophisticated appeal that were heavy leverage points in the matrimonial industry.. There is a huge divide in today’s community and I almost feel sorry for the people coming from the more village based communities, I have seen up close and personal their struggles, the inferiority complexes they pick up on account of this stupid social impression and the fear they develop about their own personality. My heart bleeds for these people, as always I consider myself the lover of the outcasts, the losers, and the seemingly worthless people that society has deemed… I briefly tried to do something about it when me and two of my friends began a psychology based group that offered courses, but ideology clashes within the group and a rather cruel confrontational talk to my face tended to dampen that dream… I’d like to think that it was God’s plan… But as always I have only hopes, wishes and dreams… From what I could make out, there was a hint of the romantic between the doctor and the businessman, but it was rather tense and the lifstyle of Mr Businessman and his affinity for the cellphone rather than his wife’s slender and delicate fingers obviously was the source of the rift… Puhleeze…. I was not in the mood for drama… One of the major dismal points of staying home in vellore was that I had to endure the stupid imbecilic local dialect programs that my grandparents watched, thrilling serial dramas that stretched for half a century that were filled with all kinds of emotional aggravators ranging from multiple affairs, self started business problems, endlessly milked in all the right way type power struggle quarrels between the mother in law and the wife, kidnapping, rape, murder you name it… These programs offered them all and what was more these programs hid them all beneath the guise of promising appearing citizens who struggled with money and power just like one billion other Indians. Sure there was that manipulative trick of making it palatable to the consumer, my own sick body was really ill prepared to meet the sick loud noises of the elaborately planned emotional pulse that distressed me on so many acute levels of emotion. It still bugs me that God has not placed me in an atmosphere where I could be one with all of nature, sure I can see the hills in the distance when I visit my home in vellore and I can sit as long as I want to on the beach when I stay in Madras but if you’re like me that’s just so unfair, from the rising of the sun and all the colorful vibrations of the sky to the deeply stirring twinkling of the stars, I was so carefully involved in every single act of nature, I practically felt that nature offered the best worship of us all… Sure there is the looming stretch of my uncertain human days that may take me to a much more nature oriented place and plus there is the promise of Heaven… That deeply comforting vision that constantly offer hope and comfort… I just hope that I reach there and not lose myself again to my self illusions and the deceptively wounded cries of the flesh… Lord, I really wanna meet you one of these days.. !

In the midst of all my grand theories , I switched off the tube for a few minutes so that I could write as far as my sinus infected mind allowed me to… The door next to my room opened and in strolled in my mother, anxious and concerned, only hours before she had tucked me into my bed when I had : in my mind wavered between the shores of consciousness and the murky depths of disease and death and all forms of human struggle… She walked over to me with a mild question, she felt my neck and my forehead… Fever.. Did I want a metacin…? Sure ma… I said, I told her that I wanted to write.. My mom and sis have been taking care of me day in and day out since the moment I had arrived frail, weak, with my eyes sunken and the feel of sickness all over me thumping away at my mind and its need to express… In the past, former joey would’ve brushed off the concern with the thought that weakness or what I presumed was weakness was not to be exhibited or revealed… But with my family life renewed with my Faith, simple acts of kindness deeply touched and renewed me… And I do happen to have the greatest mom in the whole wide world, and the greatest sister as well … So life was good.

A few minutes had passed and a certain craving for the visual took me again into the belly of the beast, into the dramatized preoccupations of the flesh that was devoid of any form of hope, reason and Faith. I was moving across channels, when suddenly something caught my attention… It was a newschannel, In the past I had harbored a lot of resentment towards the nature of news, I felt the same feeling that I got while watching serials they in the name of propagating reality often subtly engaged in corrupt versions that made it feel like there was no hope for this world, and the paparazzi had been responsible for Lady Diana’s death for the countless meltdowns of numerous celebrities with Britney championing the effects that nosy intrusion can have on a person’s mind… But I realized that I can’t blame them.. The end days are upon us, whatever the Bible prophecied regarding the end of days, is happening right before our eyes, great floods and famines, earthquakes, wars and bloodshed, broken families,great financial problems, the loom of a final war, great climactic changes should in my opinion have us running to God but instead we find great mockers who claim to be scientists offer great doctrines that science can help us to overcome every single one of these problems… Lies… Carefully fabricated lies and promises.. And people are falling for it because they believe that the nature of the world’s conditions all lead directly to God.. He is responsible for it all, not men and women who have through the centuries engaged in every form of unearthly terror prohibited by God, who have been directly responsible for wars, murders, rapes and every form of human vulgarity… Newsflash so called realists, the world is so because man has made it that way… Along with the cunning doctrines and hoaxes manufactured by Satan.. Our greatest enemy.    

It feels good to rant, I almost feel like my sickness has vacated the premises, but then the unthinkable happens, and I am brought right back in… Death.. Gory humanly manufactured terror… In the city of Hyderabad bomb blasts had killed nearly fifteen people and injured 78.. The tolls would unlikely increase the day after… And as the news cameras shamelessly covered the scene of destruction focusing on limp dead corpses and men whose faces had blood and bandages wrapped around, I felt helpless… Sure there was a deeper feeling of passivity… An almost insensitive feeling… And the men and women who occupied the scene had already gotten through the horror… They seemed to not care in any possible way… Or maybe the ones who were helping as usual did not meet the conditional lens of the judgmental camera, I do respect journalists and column writers, but I have a problem with them focusing entirely on things that needed privacy and a certain dignity of handling. Am I glad that I did not pursue the call to pursue journalism… I guess that it was not meant for me.

And as I saw in horror whatever was happening in the norther parts of my country, I realized that it was never ever gonna stop… Terrorism it was gonna continue and possibly pick up in the coming years… There was no Hope outside of Christ, it took me this many paragraphs to reach this stunning reminder that my Faith was the basis of my walk. As the Psalmist says in Psalms 23,

“Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me..”

Or in Psalms 91 verses 9 onwards
If you make the most high your dwelling- even the Lord, who is my refuge-
Then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you, to guard you in all your ways …

And further down in that same Psalm, verse 14

” Because he loves me, says the Lord, I will rescue him. I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him..”

But verses 5 and 6 left an impact on me as well…

You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day.
Nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday

As I was watching the scene these verses poured into me, they immediately helped me handle the serious emotions… God had me covered, I remember now how before my first ankle twist I felt a voice in my mind say that that particular spot was dangerous, the second time around in the other leg… One of the guys had walked out saying that he was done and that he was tired but everybody had coaxed him back to join, 2 mins after… I promptly roll my left ankle on the legs of the 6’2 guy who bumped into me everytime he made a layup… He was a nice guy and I liked him… But added grief on the court has me constantly beat myself over my inability to take whatever I had to the next level… The cold and the sinus happened because Mr Wild and Free played basketabll in the pouring rain, so with my immunity down it was only natural for that my arch nemesis to saunter back into my lungs and nose and my head… And even when I was sick, God took care of me, I had immense trouble sleeping, because sleeping with sinus problems is trying to sleep with a clogged nose, a repeated headache that just refuses to die down and some badly congested lungs that constantly make me cough… Each time I feel like I am about to cough out blood… But God was there… Even as I constantly asked him to cure me in a flash, I guess he appeared in the form of the people who took care of me… Raja Anna( Anna is a term for elder brother but can be used in other contexts as well) who bought all my medicines and who patiently listened to my high sounding arguments about my present predicament, my dad who bought great food for me, my dad’s friend who agreed to drop me early in the morning @ my place… God still worked as usual even as I was whining away about the lack of his presence, maybe the sickness served a purpose, a reminder or maybe it was to re-energize my feeble immunity.. Who knows…? I was to rely on my Faith to get through these hard times , God was still providing for me… He spoke to me through the well deserved pamperings that I received from my mother and sister and my grandpa who all seemed so sad about my hapless state and heaped genuine affection and care upon me, I was covered he seemed to be saying to me, because you love me… Was the unheard whisper, but judging from my Father’s mysterious ways I can attest that he cared for me even when I denied and did not deserve him and even when I had pushed him into a corner of my mind that only opened during immensely private moments of introspection… Sure I was still fussing about the status of a few people of faith who have had repeated failures and incurable conditions of health, but my Father never turned anyone away, matter of fact he approached these people at times and knew them by name… I needn’t know the answers to all the complicated questions that Satan used to attack my Faith, I was to rely completely on my father… And as I often like to say, Today is a brand new day , peace and love y’all , until the next time 
I’d really appreciate your prayers btw 😉