The early morning air is cool, and damp with traces of rain,
I can hear the distant hoot as a sleepy train brisk and in pace moves along a carpet of steely gray,
The town is asleep and so should my body be,
but you know what I did…? I SPENT an entire night , Yes….AN ENTIRE NIGHT, thinking and dreaming of you with my eyes wide awake, How do you in anyway deserve that…?
I’m sick and tired of feeling this way,
There should be a reimbursement fee of some sort for this emotional shit put on endless repeat,
Some guy with a loud screeching speaker is wailing pious sounding stuff into the air,
I want to scream and tell him, No one cares,
There are people being executed in Iran for looking into another man’s face,
but hey who am I to judge…? Whatever gets him through the day , you know what I mean…?
but even that I can tolerate you know…?
But what you’re doing to me…, in the very core of my being,
in my sacred space, in my private arena of loneliness that belongs entirely to me,
hidden beneath skin and bones and rivers of blood,
you are eating away at me with your cold indifference and cluelessness,
wreaking havoc, disturbing me with your beauty, with your flawless beauty,
Is it really that hard to understand that I love you like a million times ten…?
Who gave me you permission to enter my heart…?
I knew it the moment that I looked at you,
I predicted even then that you would break my heart and leave unknowingly,
and so far I have been right,
you know, I have faced some really really tough times,
I mean my insides feel like steel sometimes,
but you enter in and they become glass,
breakable, perishable glass, or maybe jelly,
What did I do to deserve this pain from you…?
Was falling for you such a damn mistake..?
I see the stars glowing beneath a veil of thin cloudy sheet, blooming like low watt bulbs hanging in deep eternal spaces,
and I wonder how many nights must I feel this pain…?
Can’t there be some way to numb this intense grief that I feel when I think about how I no longer stand a chance,
I know, I know .. You can’t make someone love you,
but I think that that’s a lame maxim, or maybe they refer to that as a quote,
I don’t care, I want answers for these tears,
why can’t tears be like money…?
I really long for broke and bankrupt, and wish to be in emotional poverty when it concerns you,
Being rejected by you only opens the door to my heart,
Why does it hurt so bad when I learnt that you have moved away…?
I wish that I could be heartless and pretend to really care to everything you say with a smile even as you are unaware that I sob uncontrollably during the night,
but the more you talk about him the more I am crumbling inside,
a glass castle fractured and emptying poisonous potions of fears and lustful demons,
Here I am early in the morning, feeling the early morning winds and staring at the lovely moon that parts away the clouds,
but I exist somewhere in my most frustrating thoughts and live amidst constant feelings of pain and nervous anxiety,
I can’t see them but I feel their sting, their scorpion sting, their venom crippling my heart,
How can you command such a position in my heart and still move away from me…?
How can you make me feel so insignificant and lonely and yet fill my heart with thoughts of thee…? Huh…?
Understanding you is like staring into deep outer space,
I don’t think that there exists an end to your heart’s deceitfulness,
Why do I have to repeatedly lapse into my worst fears now that you have abandoned me,
Why am I trying so desperately to feel like I am worth something when I know that you have no longer any use for me…?
Why do I keep seeing you with him…? Why do I feel all the wonderful dreamy beautiful thoughts that I envisioned for the two of us being switched to him…?
Do you even know how deep the cut is when someone leaves you…?
How many of these do I have to sustain…?
I am no man of steel.., I am not vast like the infinite stretches of the Universe,
Where pain takes long leap or maybe it is light years to reach a certain destination,
I am bottled up and exist within self,
Pain is immediate and relief distant,
How can it be that I cant live without you but you can…, and do so publicly with great delight and glee…?
Do you know that I smile when I just hear your name…?
Do you know that I talked with you all night long even as I knew that I was dead to you metaphysically and romantically..?
My silence is now polluted with dark, miserable thoughts of how I can never be with you or have you,
and slowly you paralyze my strength and make me feel sick to my soul,
Why did I give you such power even knowing that you can use it to destroy and rip me to shreds …?
I am tired of fighting it anyway, so have your way maiden of my most intense longings,
Destroy and devour me with your indifference,
Ensure that I will spend many lone hours,
alone with my tears,
You are victorious again as you will never know the immense depths of pain that I visited,
Live your life and marry the one of your dreams and wishes ,
make sure that you trample my heart and smother it in the process …!