Stars

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You want to know whats so amazing about stargazing and watching stars…? The very fact that they are like  billions and billions of miles away from our planet and yet seem to awaken a certain yearning that reaches into our very soul… A sort of loving embrace from up above, a longing almost of something so divine , and which seems to transport us away from all the restless riddles that stir and perplex and instead weave together all the drifting components of who we are in our broken or impoverished hearts and unites us as a single one in our spirit and make us wonder at the unmatchable beauty of the upper heavens, and makes us feel like we are gazing perhaps into the very heart of God…!

The very fact that something so simple yet deeply mysterious can penetrate my world weary heart and touch and treat it in ways that cannot be described is a form of magic that I look forward to every night, it is the very tonic that offers me pure delight, helps me forget a million sad yesterdays, instills hope and provides an indescribable joy… For a brief moment, I feel them inhabit my heart and renew my desire for life in all its untamed splendor and remove the burdens of everyday life.

Matthew – Short Story

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Matthew did not know when he had decided to become a writer, it was just something that naturally became a part of him… in his short and often troubled life he had had many ambitions, dreams and wishes, but time and time again he realized that it was going to be exceptionally hard to follow them or to truly accomplish them and writing had always persisted beyond them all, now that did not mean that Matthew was a slacker who took the easy way out or was constantly indecisive about everything out there, on the contrary Matthew was very focused and worked hard on what he wanted and dreamed of being, not on what he wished to achieve in terms of monetary status unlike many of his fellow compadres… who all held jobs at important sounding companies and institutions, … Language , dialogue and conversation was something that deeply interested him, Matthew spent most of his day attempting to find newer ways through which he could convey his thoughts, communicate his ideas over the landscape of a story and he always was continually thinking about the content that would fill up his stories… But writing was something that was a rather vexatious business, Matthew only followed the directions of his own heart, he did not care much for structure or rules, and he made sure that he steered clear of labels and responsibilities and he was faithful towards his own individuality and allowed it to guide him in his life, but time was running out, he did not know any publishers despite three years of writing, his draft was non existent except for a few promising pages, and even those little that he had somehow reached after many many hours of fruitless labor and battles with his own growing confusions… seemed like a dead end… He still had not the slightest clue as to what he wished to write about… he had known a couple of years back… but too many things had happened and too many troubles had come and passed… he no longer felt connected to those initial themes, he regularly wrote Poems, small stories and discourses… but the big idea that he wanted to pursue, the story about an artist caught up in a complicated life… loosely based on his own life.. seemed more and more like a dream than some concrete reality, … Matthew believed himself to be a free spirit, but despite the exotic nature of his own individuality and his situational charisma, the outer hostile world often intruded into his realm and excited confusions, lingering doubts and puzzling questions… Matthew was living under difficult circumstances at the moment, he had changed the nature of his life in order to accommodate his rather challenging family, never one to be dependent, Matthew desired to live in the city, but his mother and sister lived a hundred miles away in a small town, and his mother and sister wanted him to stay around with them and it was their unwanted sermon that he had to learn how to adjust and conform to the lifestyle of their town because he was going to settle down there someday… Matthew did his best to be patient and tried explaining to them about how he had dreams of his own that he wanted to pursue and the city was his muse, but they were persistent and often used emotion as a means of entrapping him, Matthew often succumbed to their pleas and changed his own plans and did his best to not let the nature and the moods of the town affect him… But he was giving up too much and it often played out on his mind constantly eroding away at his resolve and it frustrated him, in this very town were all the things that he had ran away from in the past… But at this stage in his life, when he was drifting further and further away from strong convictions that had once fed him in his spirit and more often than not he caught himself wallowing in self doubt and self pity brought about by his challenging circumstances, He wanted to complete his book as soon as he could possibly can , but it seemed more and more like a dream, every day his mother would tell him about this great corporate job in the hospital that she worked in, but he had no interest in that, he wanted to become a writer, he had had his share of useless dead end jobs, content writer, sports coach, reporter, social worker, independent shrink etc etc.. You name it, he had done them all, but all through those times he had felt a deep pull towards writing, …. a couple of years ago… He had rebelled against everyone and had shut himself up in the city and had absorbed himself into the writing business, he wrote and wrote, often during the long and lonely hours of the night and had almost finished an autobiographical account of his college years, but frustrated by his own doubts… He had deleted all of the long pages that he had spent many hours writing… Matthew sighed as he reminisced about the past few years, the difficulties, the downfalls… He had promised himself that he would turn his life around, but nothing had changed… except for some personal changes, the majority of what he had left behind remained the same, he still had the most intense difficulties as it related to adjusting to the town that he had once occupied, his family had been going through some hard times and his parents wanted him to give up writing and find a job that would provide some stability , both for his future and add a little more income which in turn could provide towards the family’s many debts in regards to housing loans… and his mother was regularly reminding him that he was of marriageable age and that no girls would settle for him until and unless he was sound financially and emotionally, Matthew took all of this in, and seldom spoke out , often out of a desire to be patient and compassionate, but these past few months had been tough, his life felt like the punishments of Hell… He was made to be in a place that he continually resisted and detested with his whole heart, and worst of all, his parents were talking to him about how he needed to learn how to adjust and let go… Like he was not trying to, He felt like laughing right at their faces sometimes, they were so busy in beating down his defenses that they forgot the fact that their own life took many many years to settle down, and what was wrong about wanting to explore the world and to live life on his own demands…? It was his life as far as he could tell, deep down in his heart he had a lot of gratitude for what his parents had done for him in the past, for their unselfish attitudes and for their continuous providence among others… But becoming a man was something that he had to do on his own, the more he stayed around in his hometown, the more the demons of old attacked and possessed him… Growing up, his mother routinely talked to him about some of the people who had messed up their life by disobeying their parents, she had instilled a great paranoia into him at a very young age, There was Charles who had asked his mother to vacate the house that he lived in and then there was Vinod who had just stayed at home after his mother had with great difficulty paid the expensive fees of some college where he had initially been studying in, but he had discontinued his studies and had decided that studies was not the ‘it’ thing for him… he became involved in the local thug scene and became a drunkard of sorts, wasting his parents money and his life, and his Mother had warned him that he was about to become just like them if he didn’t watch out. And Charles and Vinod were a part of him and often hunted him when he wished to dream and pursue the longings of his own soul.

He was frustrated by the psychological fears of his parents that too often than not reared its ugly head in their regular interactions, he knew that they were more experienced when it applied to life, but a man had to search for his own calling.. Didn’t they understand that…? , he knew that his parents were good people but they worried too much… and they had no idea about how focused Matthew was in his heart, but Matthew knew that he was a much better performer at something that he liked and enjoyed rather than at something he had not the slightest respect for, But he had changed himself and had become more accommodating in recent times and his family had been exploiting that nature of his… He had known earlier that, the moment that he caved in, would be the moment when his parents would force him to choose something that would test his limits of endurance and so far he was right… It was either about staying at home and taking care of his mother and sister or finding a job in his hometown so that he could take care of them both, His Father had a job in the city that kept him busy at all times, and he hardly had the time to listen to his son’s feelings that he categorized as complaints and excuses, Matthew meanwhile did not know to whom he could turn to, he was very fearful of sharing his feelings with people who were only interested in telling him about how wrong he was, the levels of stress meanwhile kept increasing day by day, at times he dreamt about ending it all, about parting ways with his life, he constantly blamed God for giving him Life, he had not asked for it and if only God had given that choice to someone who was more worthy of some of the blessings that he had enjoyed in his own life, Matthew was sure that that person would have ended up a model citizen, with a respectable job and would have really been a huge blessing for his parents. Boy had his parents made a mistake by giving birth to him. Matthew did not knew how to retaliate, he was afflicted by mental incarceration, he was wounded by his dream deflation, but this was life and it always punished the dreamers and all of the world’s naive hopefuls.

Stop it please – poem

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When will it stop…?
This feeling of continually drifting in eerie, bleak mazes and restless unavoidable labyrinths…?
Wandering around in unconscious circles,
Falling too easily as the mind’s prey,
Feelings are childish tantrums and thoughts- insane emotion hijackers,
I am tired of being controlled by my own life’s unstoppable and unpredictable flow,
Irritable, restless, discontent, nervous, agitated, disoriented, insanely sensitive, emotionally contemplative, endless ruminations,  insensitive and disconnected,
One moment at the peaks and in the next the gutter…
Where will it all lead me…?
Is there a purpose hidden beneath these…?

Life – short poem

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What is this life but a reaching out into the emptiness of passing moments…?  

What is life but the ocean slowly emptying out and becoming a vast desolate dry place…? 

A place that is filled with life anew, swiftly forgotten, immediately renewed and alive perhaps in a forgotten hanging photo…? 

What is eternal and what is temporal.. ? For both intermingle and we long more for the transient and care less about what the permanent.., 

Can we own the tides that crash on the shores and then run back into the sea…? 

Can we possess the wind and its mad wandering powers..? 

Can we hide the sun or mask the glow of the moon and move it into the tombs of our heart with all of its forlorn and bare emptiness…? 

Can the lusts of the flesh be tamed and love forgotten..? 

How can the ocean be in me if it solicits terrifying terrors unknown by its mere presence beyond our safe shores…?

How fragile is life, alive a moment, dead the next,

blooming with rare fragrance a minute and trampled and pushed away in the next,

 Life is no dream but cold hard reality, 

The answers are simple but the questions eternal, 

How I long to always stare at the stars and only look into rainbows and beautifully colored skies, 

for the ocean to remain my home and for my fondest memories to be granted a second chance, 

But alas, people leave, lives fade, tears fall, cries rise and we remain , but we still claim in confidence, we are Gods, each and everyone,Immortal and supernatural, yet unable to erase the hopelessness of man’s deepest longings and fears

Ballad of a hopeful Soldier – Short Poem

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When trouble and sorrow come as they always will, 

My Lord reveals to me, 

Ain’t nothing that you can’t pass through, 

Ain’t there a thing in the world that my LORD won’t move away from my path, 

When pain seems to linger longer than a night and darkens bright sparkly mornings, 

I remember all that I have been through, 

Ain’t there a thing in the world that I can’t change, 

Ain’t there a thing in the world that can’t be overcome if I have the proper focus and spiritual balance, 

The Lord touches me in my spirit and tears me away from my self inflicted pain, 

Son, Believe only in me, the highs and lows in your life they will pull and push you and madden your mind, 

but now, believe, hope and trust in me, 

For I know the answers that you seek in your heart, 

I am your Rock, your Shield and your Comforter, 

You and I… we move forward, 

We don’t linger in our past hurts, 

We don’t linger in our conflicts and arguments, 

we move forward because that’s where life is, 

So here I stand, all human and awaiting to be broken again, 

I know that the tears will convince me that I am not special, 

and the hurt will break away into my core, 

but I have fallen before and I will fall again, 

but I will rise and walk my way, 

for the Lord watches over me, 

and He holds my hand, 

He will allow me to perhaps be broken, 

but never out of reason and never out of spite, 

For my Lord only reconstructs the broken places with new strength and delight, 

He replaces cold, selfish human vice and offers instead fresh spiritual insights ,

that change the routines through which we take the things that we have for granted,

He helps us discern that maybe, maybe everyone else and us included , we are all just the same,

that we hurt each other because despite all the talk about love and change,

we still don’t really know about how to love one another,

So therefore, I know that I am only as good as the next circumstance,

 

I will just walk my way and walk away from all the negativity and pain,

R.I.P to my former self indulgence,

Here’s to life in all its truth and beauty,

I move continually towards my life giving hope and promise,

I hope that the world someday changes a step,

but as for me I don’t really care,

cos’ I got real hope and real joy,

and the last time I checked, that’s more than enough 

 

 

Indifference – Poem

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The early morning air is cool, and damp with traces of rain, 

I can hear the distant hoot as a sleepy train brisk and in pace moves along a carpet of steely gray, 

The town is asleep and so should my body be, 

but you know what I did…? I SPENT an entire night , Yes….AN ENTIRE NIGHT, thinking and dreaming of you with my eyes wide awake, How do you in anyway deserve that…? 

I’m sick and tired of feeling this way, 

There should be a reimbursement fee of some sort for this emotional shit put on endless repeat, 

Some guy with a loud screeching speaker is wailing pious sounding stuff into the air,

I want to scream and tell him, No one cares,

There are people being executed in Iran for looking into another man’s face, 

but hey who am I to judge…? Whatever gets him through the day , you know what I mean…? 

but even that I can tolerate you know…? 

But what you’re doing to me…, in the very core of my being, 

in my sacred space, in my private arena of loneliness that belongs entirely to me, 

hidden beneath skin and bones and rivers of blood, 

you are eating away at me with your cold indifference and cluelessness, 

wreaking havoc, disturbing me with your beauty, with your flawless beauty, 

Is it really that hard to understand that I love you like a million times ten…? 

Who gave me you permission to enter my heart…? 

I knew it the moment that I looked at you, 

I predicted even then that you would break my heart and leave unknowingly,

and so far I have been right,

you know, I have faced some really really tough times,

I mean my insides feel like steel sometimes,

but you enter in and they become glass,

breakable, perishable glass, or maybe jelly, 

What did I do to deserve this pain from you…?

Was falling for you such a damn mistake..?  

I see the stars glowing beneath a veil of thin cloudy sheet, blooming like low watt bulbs hanging in deep eternal spaces, 

and I wonder how many nights must I feel this pain…?

Can’t there be some way to numb this intense grief that I feel when I think about how I no longer stand a chance,  

I know, I know .. You can’t make someone love you, 

but I think that that’s a lame maxim, or maybe they refer to that as a quote, 

I don’t care, I want answers for these tears, 

why can’t tears be like money…? 

I really long for broke and bankrupt,  and wish to be in emotional poverty when it concerns you,

Being rejected by you only opens the door to my heart,

Why does it hurt so bad when I learnt that you have moved away…?

I wish that I could be heartless and pretend to really care to everything you say with a smile even as you are unaware that I sob uncontrollably during the night,

but the more you talk about him the more I am crumbling inside,

a glass castle fractured and emptying poisonous potions of fears and lustful demons,

Here I am early in the morning, feeling the early morning winds and staring at the lovely moon that parts away the clouds, 

but I exist somewhere in my most frustrating thoughts and live amidst constant feelings of pain and nervous anxiety, 

I can’t see them but I feel their sting, their scorpion sting, their venom crippling my heart,  

How can you command such a position in my heart and still move away from me…? 

How can you make me feel so insignificant and lonely and yet fill my heart with thoughts of thee…? Huh…? 

Understanding you is like staring into deep outer space,

I don’t think that there exists an end to your heart’s deceitfulness,

 Why do I have to repeatedly lapse into my worst fears now that you have abandoned me, 

Why am I trying so desperately to feel like I am worth something when I know that you have no longer any use for me…? 

Why do I keep seeing you with him…? Why do I feel all the wonderful dreamy beautiful thoughts that I envisioned for the two of us being switched to him…? 

Do you even know how deep the cut is when someone leaves you…? 

How many of these do I have to sustain…? 

I am no man of steel.., I am not vast like the infinite stretches of the Universe, 

Where pain takes long leap or maybe it is light years to reach a certain destination, 

I am bottled up and exist within self, 

Pain is immediate and relief distant, 

How can it be that I cant live without you but you can…, and do so publicly with great delight and glee…? 

Do you know that I smile when I just hear your name…? 

Do you know that I talked with you all night long even as I knew that I was dead to you metaphysically and romantically..? 

My silence is now polluted with dark, miserable thoughts of how I can never be with you or have you, 

and slowly you paralyze my strength and make me feel sick to my soul, 

Why did I give you such power even knowing that you can use it to destroy and rip me to shreds …? 

I am tired of fighting it anyway, so have your way maiden of my most intense longings, 

Destroy and devour me with your indifference, 

Ensure that I will spend many lone hours, 

alone with my tears, 

You are victorious again as you will never know the immense depths of pain that I visited, 

Live your life and marry the one of your dreams and wishes , 

make sure that you trample my heart and smother it in the process …! 

 

 

Will you love me …? A short poem

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Will you love me, 

I know you love another, 

but I saw you first and I walked up to you, all ready and eager, 

but then I saw that there was something about you that lessened my own inner fire, 

I saw that all your life you had dreamt of handsome men, tall with perfect features, 

and I , well I have a relationship with my mirror, but its more as a friend since I feel so alone, 

and not because I am secure in the way I feel about my appearance, 

I am not rich nor am I responsible, I usually chase dreams and play ball alone when evening retires, 

But these are conventional jargons, don’t you wish to know what lies inside my heart…? 

What magic we could create by uniting your heart and mine..? 

What mountains we could transcend..? 

What fires we could light…? 

But I guess that I have to sit tight and enjoy second place, which is more of a title that I gave myself, 

I know that there might be a long list of the people who never made it, 

you probably have them on a sheet, and ticked them off with colored markers, 

Baby, why…? Why can’t I love you…? 

Don’t you see how much I feel and care about you…? 

Why don’t you love me the way that I love you..? 

I am no poet, but I can read the emotions of your heart like a fisherman with a net, 

I am no writer darling but I know how to reach inside of your soul when you feel distressed, 

I am no doctor, but I can cure you of your dullness with my crazy idiotic quips, 

Why…? Why don’t you love me…? 

I am not one to beg, but you .. You bring that in me, 

With you its like I need you more than I can want you, 

Wanting you makes it conditional, Needing you is like oxygen, 

Have you any idea about how much I have talked to the tree assuming it was you…? 

I even embraced it and held on to it tight, if I could feel that much from that beautiful noble tree, 

how much will I feel when I embrace you in the world within my arms…? 

How perfect would it be when our bodies meet…? And you sink into my embrace and forget time…, 

I know, I know that he is a pretty swell guy, and he probably has a great many lines, 

and he probably has a great good heart, but what if you were my soul mate and I yours…? 

What if we end up misplacing our hearts with the wrong souls, with the wrong lives…? 

Don’t you worry about stuff like that…? I get it now, all your heart has been smitten by him and now its his thoughts, 

I matter no longer to you don’t I…? 

I never did I reckon, well ain’t that a bitch..? 

So here I stand rejected .. again… and reduced to watching you live out your romantic wishes with someone you please and desire… and long and hold on to for eternity, 

its a cruel cruel world baby, for here I stand feeling my heart’s life cry out to you and you walk beside me so coolly never knowing that I loved you with all there ever was to my heart, 

its a cruel cruel world….!