Maybe – Short poem

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Maybe we need to be be confused in order to find the right words, 

Perhaps we need to be broken down and destroyed in order to be truly built, 

Maybe our fires need to be extinguished and blown in order to be found, 

Maybe we need to lose our faith and experience the dark horrors of the world in order to truly understand that God is the single, eternal melody whose music never fails to stop, the mighty Lion who saves His beloved, 

Take courage when the road seems alone, Be brave when the wolves come, Don’t be afraid to stand up for what’s right, 

Maybe we don’t need forever for today is all that we truly ever need, 

Each face has a story, each life has a dream, 

Perhaps laughter is the medicine for the tears and shame, 

Perhaps love can wash away all the memories of the hideous evil of wickedness, 

Perhaps underneath our flesh, and beyond the bones, there is a chamber that offers glimpses of Perfection to sustain and move us forward, pushing us onward hoping that we would reach our rightful destiny, 

Maybe the stars are Angels looking down on each soul and whispering words of Hope when you least expect it, 

Maybe the world is so loud because nobody ever cared to listens to its pain and hurt, 

Maybe what I offer can live forever, Maybe I want to reach out from some equally messed up and broken place and still offer Christ to you and rest assured that with Him by your side,

You can stand over the fourth floor overlooking your death which you feel will free you from all the pain and hurt that you have ever known, and I know that if you turn to Him, I know that you will be alright, I know for a fact, that He can Heal what’s hurt and chase the demons that made you believe lies and give you something far more better than what you lost, 

Maybe sometimes when we feel so very alone, like no one ever wants us, perhaps we forget that there are other people feeling the same way out there somewhere in this big wide world and its madness, and they too stare out of their window and wish that someone would understand their own pain, 

Perhaps pain is subjective and comes only to painfully open our eyes to what we were missing all along, 

Perhaps the world is not a safe place, because we pushed God aside and decided that we can do what we blamed Him for not doing, 

Perhaps our children are harassed because the ones who abuse them with their hard and deeply hurtful words were never taught of how a single act can last forever in a child’s memory, 

Maybe we need to fight because so many have given up, perhaps we owe it to those who have not reached the mountain top, who have perished in lives empty in faith and belief, perhaps we need to be crushed to offer them light, 

Perhaps we need to live forever in people’s hearts by not trying so hard to impress and please them, but to love them and guide them when they move away, 

Don’t let what other people say get you down, they are not God nor do they decide how your life truly goes about, they are people lacking in faith because their hearts have become stone, they are people that you learn to let go of if you wish to be set free, 

I find it amazing that a world so big, so full of complexities, so full and distant from each one’s true feelings can only be saved by a King whose crown was Thorns, can only be redeemed by a love sick perfect God hanging on a bloody wooden cross, 

I know that I can be saved by the mighty lion and the tender lamb slain for mistakes that had the power to offer me eternal death, 

Perhaps thats what we find so hard to get, 

Perhaps that’s why we fail. 

 

Life’s meaning is found in God( a quote) – a personal favorite

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The great danger facing all of us…is not that we shall make an absolute failure of life, nor that we shall fall into outright viciousness, nor that we shall be terribly unhappy, nor that we shall feel (that) life has no meaning at all – not these things. The danger is that we may fail to perceive life’s greatest meaning, fall short of its highest good, miss its deepest and most abiding happiness, be unable to tender the most needed service, be unconscious of life ablaze with the light of the Presence of God – and be content to have it so – that is the danger. That someday we may wake up and find that always we have been busy with husks and trappings of life and have really missed life itself. For life without God, to one who has known the richness and joy of life with Him, is unthinkable, impossible. That is what one prays one’s friends may be spared – satisfaction with a life that falls short of the best, that has in it no tingle or thrill that comes from a friendship with the Father.

– Phillips Brooks –

 

When Skeptics ask

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Recently when a few of my friends gathered to work on this script that we have planned for this children’s show, the topic as always wandered away from our normal sense of trying to comprehend something related to our script, and away from something that we had to give birth to, through our collective imagination and each one’s individual input. The topic was all about how my friend had visited a conference of Dr Ravi Zacharias, (the premier Christian Apologetic of this time and age, very much like how C.S. Lewis was back in his day) and did not understand why a Christian man, a great scholar, a Cambridge University Professor and an Intellectual seldom presented the gospel during the sessions, but used the time instead to talk about how to stand up for Christianity in an immensely dark time and age, swarming over with the moods of secularization and Modernization. Naturally my blood began to boil as a dog probably felt like when his Master was threatened or the threat of an attack rose up, I naturally felt the need to tell them about why it was so, but I allowed the moment to continue on, I wanted to observe what my friends thought about the subject, about the subject of Apologetic’s, of giving a response, a Christian response to Skeptics and Cynics… Most of them were born again Christians, who made it to church every Sunday, who are involved in youth groups and who know members in their community rather well, I was the total opposite of what they were, I read differently themed books, I was very much into understanding the deeper spiritual implications of my personal walk with Christ and knowing the hidden mysteries of God,  it was true that I was a Jesus Freak, probably in some degrees more than them… and they in some degrees more than me, but I say that not to speak ill of my fellow brothers who routinely use every opportunity to do good to their fellow men. But I speak that because for me personally the knowledge of God that I possess in my heart, at times becomes such a blazing furnace, too intense and fiery, incredibly passionate that I struggle to come to terms with it, to balance it and to hold it in when all it wants is to express and share that feeling.

 At the moment, my life and its sense of direction seems rather uncertain, I have trouble choosing from becoming a full time writer or a full time Apologetic or Theologian, or something else… I keep myself occupied with part time jobs and writing assignments, but there are many other things that happen in my life,  I do have my struggles, intense battles with the unruly flesh, and at times it can be discouraging but I also know that I am being renewed every single day, that God is working on my inner character, that His voice has become my conscience.  I know well that my Shepherd’s Staff leads and guides my paths and that despite often times walking through dark valleys, My shepherd never leaves me alone. He helps me learn something through the daily bouts with painful mind battles.

 The gospel makes me want to scream it from the rooftops, to speak to strangers on overcrowded trains where space is probably a place that existed as emptiness in their thought bubbles, I can’t  blame them, they are bored and beat down citizens of a country which is heavily over populated and filled with all sorts of uneasy undercurrents, some of them political and much of them philosophical. I find myself constantly discouraged, the sheer volume of people that I encounter whenever I visit the city every other alternative week overwhelms me, how can I … a single man speak or find it in my heart to speak to every soul…? And I have heard my own testimony through my own ears, and I feel like despite the presence of God’s relentless grace, a theme very rampant in the story of my life, I am unsure if God would find a use for me, sue me, I am only human. I have always struggled to believe anything good about myself, I am just being honest of course.

My eyes see things, I see the times, they appear empty, I can see so many outer distractions, I can see many cunning inward deceptions, I can feel the shallowness of our interactions, I can feel the incredible fear and paranoia that we as a race exercise upon each other, I can feel so many things that routinely take many hours of reflection and prayer to get sorted out, my heart longs and feels immense sorrow and agony for the billions of souls who are unaware of my Lord, of their Lord..!!! It frustrates me often to have sleepless nights, I wish for God to appear either in my dream or in person and tell me that His plan for my life is for me to preach the gospel, to make sure that I go up on stage and pray for the Holy Spirit to use me as a living sacrifice, as a burning bush to bring God’s light to dark souls. 

But only if it were that easy,  easy as saying, Jesus loves you… to a complete stranger or to even acquaintances that I have known about over many years, I have noticed that people don’t find the pure magic that stirs within my soul when I hear the name, Jesus… That name above all names, that beautiful immortal soul whom I count upon as my most closest friend, who sees my sin but does not turn away from my own vague and unstable heart, God draped in flesh who took the rightful price for my mistakes and paid for it with his blood… I can remember the last time I met him when I leaned on the fourth floor, my heart broken into many pieces, fractured even… My spirit in an unquenchable agony, I had suffered a mental breakdown, and I was ready to die, I was ready to put my misery to an end, I had had enough of this life, I had had enough of me, I hated the person that I had become, I hated the mistakes, the many blunders, and I felt so very alone… I felt so alone, that I could not bear its thorny pain that I wished to jump to my death, for some reason, I decided to vent out my frustrations one last time to the God whom I considered dead and insensitive to my plight, to my life’s immense sorrow and hopelessness, I wanted to scream and cry out or maybe it was at him, before I took the final decision, I knelt down, my face streaming with tears, the light in my room felt stale, and I wanted to put an end to all of my sufferings, but as I spoke, a strange thing happened to me. The immense burdens that I held in my heart, seemed to mysteriously vanish, for the first time in my life, I felt the magnificent power of the Lord working in my heart, I opened my Bible, eager to search for some clue and purpose to this wondrous and miraculous event, I came across Psalms 107 

10 Some sat in gloom and darkness;
    they were prisoners suffering in chains.
11 They had turned against the words of God
    and had refused the advice of God Most High.
12 So he broke their pride by hard work.
    They stumbled, and no one helped.
13 In their misery they cried out to the Lord,
    and he saved them from their troubles.
14 He brought them out of their gloom and darkness
    and broke their chains.
15 Let them give thanks to the Lord for his love
    and for the miracles he does for people.

– Psalms 107:10-15 

And it was then and there that we both found each other again, and I fell in love with Him more deeply and passionately than ever before… for the first time I felt bold and courageous to proclaim of that love, even though I had known Him for a long long time, I knew my Lord and Savior as a Person, as a friend, as a counselor, as a shepherd and Teacher…  they say that when you love something deeply, that you can’t keep it to yourself… And I have felt the childhood love that I had for Him awaken and come back alive, with the wisdom of experience and with the joy of a lost sinner so dead to his senses, to his conscience and to his life even, come back with renewed vigor and vitality and so completely flood my life, and it enables me to enjoy a life so simple, yet deep in its providence, its unshakeable convictions, its firm foundations and Grace. Life with Jesus, with the revelations of the Holy Bible, with the infinite mercy of the Heavenly Father and with the divine unraveling of the Holy Spirit has taught me many things, chief among them, is to walk the walk, and not merely talk the talk. As much as my renewed joy in understanding the Bible through different lens and perspectives, God wishes for me to develop the disciplines that can enable Him to work more powerfully in my life. 

  Every day I make it a point to post stuff about Christ on my wall on Facebook, and I make sure that I wear all sorts of Gospel themed clothing and apparel, to rep the kingdom, and also to fish and find opportunities to present the gospel, or at the very least to engage in some sort of dialogue to hear the usual list of complaints, bitterness and hateful skepticism that usually pops up whenever the name of Jesus is mentioned. There was a time in my former life when I literally hid away from being referred to as a Christian, because I was worried about what that meant, living in India, a basically Hinduistic country, and where other related faiths merge in and live in wary awareness of each other, I have faced quite some bitter and harsh truths about being a christian, it is much easier to be a Christian in a city, where beliefs are fashionable and where lifestyle is more essential to the outward eye, but in other places it can be rough and tough and not to forget… Dangerous as well. I have seen many faithful missionaries beaten up, I visited them with my teen group, nicknamed God’s kids, and those sights often made me have deeply disturbed days and nights.

 All my life I have always lived in close proximity to Evangelists, Priests, Pastors, Reverends and Preachers, my own Grandfather, my Dear Mother’s Father was a Reverend of many churches, most memorably the Parish of a certain locality quite close to the sea and the lively sights and sounds of the noisy local fish market, I hold many fond memories of that particular Church.Besides breaking my jaw, winning the local church competitions in running and simply falling on the grass of the circular lawn right before my grandpa’s quarters, or be it sitting out in the night and feeling the sea’s cool wind breeze and talking stories, that place was a sort of refuge for me, I was very young back then, and our families were more deeply connected than they are now, I look upon them with fond remembrance and love. 

 I have lived in and around Churches all my life, always finding a deep still calm that feels truly pregnant within the inner chambers.  A fun fact, the colony where my parents live at right now, back in my hometown of Vellore,  is named,… Drum rolls please… Church Colony, our very house stands directly next to the local Church. And on sundays it can be quite a test to one’s sanity to read whilst the loud sounds of the service play along as I attempt to read and write..  I have always felt that my calling( not my dreams mind you) was to either become a preacher, or to be the Reverend of some Church, owing to my history, the spiritual fascination and the wondrous deep silence that I have observed from my younger years. But I trust God to do that for me, I have stopped foolishly following some impulses, hoping that they lead me to the land of my dreams, in reality, things work differently and spiritually speaking, reality and spirituality contribute to each other’s growth and strength. 

When me and my friends were discussing topics and themes in relation to Faith, I realized how difficult it is to give an answer these days, because nowadays the answers don’t appear to make sense, and no one is interested in listening… Truth sadly has become an opinion, a perspective and facts as they are defined are by scientific standards and worldly parameters…  Truth has been broken down to specific communities, specific nationalities, specific systems and specific religious beliefs, all of these uttered truths often contradict the other, my fellow brothers in the Faith, whose very meekness can be an added thrill when Proud Atheists stomp over their tender hearts suffer often in silence, I have encountered many people who have lost faith in God, somehow, in one way or the other, trouble and suffering finds its way to my life. For many years I was subjected to the harsh and often times cruel treatment of a man, who formerly was a friend who identified himself as an Atheist a few years ago,   back then I was more preoccupied with finding my way through life and coming to terms with intellectual topics and exploring my own interests, so his anger and bitterness were often diluted by my evasive mind,  but it still stung, I remember how he would sometimes cockily remark that it was my reinforced and taught ideals that were hurting since they were experiencing the larger system of the world that had progressed, Modern times do not need rules from some primitive book were his scoffs often, and I was this lost soul, who secretly loved the Lord of his younger days, but who pretended like Peter to not know Him outwardly when the hour came for me to make a public stand, and my heart hurt, it grieved for the ignorance of that fool.. and it grieved for the disloyalty that I was clearly exercising but cleverly justifying with my hunger to know more about the world, I felt sorrow for the hardening of his heart and a billion others, and for the abuse that people are way too eager to throw upon my Lord, I don’t pretend to understand everything, but I can understand.. I have been in their place.. and I know how difficult it can be, Faith, child like, simple Faith is not easy, it asks you to leap and jump for joy when all around people can weigh you with a piece of their unbelieving mind with all of its secret treachery and cunning, Faith appears impossible for modern day children, nourished and reared with an excess of information and a loss of moral foundations, who are willing to throw their lives without a question at Clubbing, at Partying, at experimenting with drugs, at mocking the odd man, at Enjoying Sensual pleasures without the slightest bothering of their conscience, but struggle to accept the undeniable fact of a God who so loved them and wanted to be closer to them that He gave His own son as a sacrifice to pay for their sins.  

 I have closely observed how debates and plain arrogance often finds its way as a reply whenever I try to talk about the Gospel, and its very serious message.  I have lost former friends who have deserted me for my Faith, for my freakish passion and love for Jesus.  I have listened to immensely disrespectful and crude, not to mention and forget rude answers to the gospel. Whenever an opportunity presents itself… I weigh my time and I pray for God to allow certain opportunities to develop, I don’t go around bluntly and speak about the Gospel as it is, true it has its massive power in the very simple and direct way that it speaks, and I am conscious and careful to ensure that I do not dilute the power and conviction of the Gospels by presenting some swagged out and popular version of Jesus, I am very aware of how important it is to stick true to the fundamentals, the basics and its powerful message, but I can sense people who lead double lives, who find it hard to deal with life, people who are lost and who want something more… Call it an intuition of sorts, a radar… When I do meet them,  I am very conscious to be how Christ would have been like if He were in my place and position, I realize that it is never about me, but it is always about Him… If they agree to listen to my own experience I tell them about it, but I am careful not to force it, maybe my approach is a little sluggish and slow, but I am reminded of how Christ was eager to answer questions , not to confuse but to open the ignorant wit of skeptics and religious authorities with strong references to the Scriptures and remarkable examples so commonplace yet deeply profound, I remember how he befriended the outcasts, the lepers, the odd and eccentric men and women of that day, the prostitutes, the tax collectors… Once a pharisee remarked that Christ appeared to be eager to be a friend with the sinners more than anybody else, they could not understand why he did not seek their company… Certainly they were the most powerful and important people of that day.. I routinely observe and research Cults as a part of interest in understanding strong beliefs, personally I find no shame in telling that I was mighty close to joining one to escape the dull life that I had a couple of years ago, but through my thorough observations,  I can see how its central figure, often Charismatic and articulate, very popular with large audiences,  often rejoices  and courts the company of important people… I remember this particular guru who always invited the Ceo’s of important multi national companies to his dialogues, Who often received significant contributions for his cause from Movie stars, From wealthy Billionaires etc…! He had his own website, television programs, radio shows, an ashram constructed over beautiful and scenic sights, a temple worth many crores despite declaring that his yoga was not religious (closer to many millions in american money) … He was eager to be known despite his on screen persona of being simple and living on next to nothing, of living merely in touch with nature. But I look at all of these cult figures, the Jim Jones’s of the World, the Krishnamurti’s of the world and Dalai Lama’s of the world and I can see a clear theme, more often than not, the spiritual persona is an image that is cultivated, their personal lives were full of chaos, of vulgar debauchery and concealed secrets and often taking advantage of hungry and lost souls searching for answers. Those who met Christ never went away without some extraordinary freshness to their spirits, Christ removed their earthly burdens, He communed with them and loved them deeply, He understood them all individually, He did not love them as a group, He became one among them, He did not ask for money, He had complete authority over Nature, He performed many extraordinary signs and wonders that have been faithfully recorded by many historians apart from the writers of the Gospel. Christ is the most incredible and extraordinary figure in all of History, and despite the volume of attacks against the Faith, against the gospels, against the very being whose inspiration drove the single most important document in all of History, The Bible has withstood the most brutal and deceitful attacks and stood its ground every single time… In my own time I have read many books about parallel histories, of how a man named Christ could not have existed, of how Christianity borrows its ideas and themes from pagan religious beliefs, Biblical scholars have debunked every thrown arrow and dart of the evil one, St Augustine remarked once that,  ‘The truth is like a lion; you don’t have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself.’  The eternal truths of the Bible shine clear for all the world to see, and its message continue to offer a very real hope and a present comfort to billions across the world. The Bible is still the highest selling book in all of History, last year, a mini series on the Bible was made for the History Channel, viewer ratings exceeded a 100 million in its short season, making it among the most watched series of all time, a subsequent movie has been planned as well. Despite recent controversy, despite many popular atheists continually denigrating Christendom, despite the falling out of opinion in regard to Christians in popular and controversial topics such as Abortion or Homosexuality, the message of Jesus Christ still remains strong despite all the ridiculous doctrines out there… The figure of Christ, still looms over the whole world, His mercy and Grace insufficient for words to express, His Love wildly unconditional, reckless and hungry, His tear stained eyes compassionate in the midst of a horrifying death ritual, His blood stained and nail pierced arms still reaching out for the lost, the lonely, the hopeless, the depressed, the poor, the diseased, the homosexual, the pedophile, the prostitute, to the criminal, to the heartless and to the wicked, crying to His Father to spare their lives, to give them one more chance, to give them more time, to repent and to turn to Him… He longs and cries for a personal relationship with each and every one of us, He wants us to see ourselves through His very eyes, Wont you abandon your senseless grip on your own future and give into Him…? Wont you take a chance and get to know His love…?

God Himself came to us in the form of a man, He lived in the most ugly bowels of poverty and shame, in the most rootless and most tortured race in all of history, He felt all that we have ever felt, He knows what we go through… Only He can understand your pain, but you have to have faith…  He did not sin, He did not give up our plan, He was Lord of all the Heavens, He was King to the entire Universe, yet He relented to His Supreme Father’s wishes and came to pay the price for our sins, those mistakes that we have lost our sensitivity to, those mistakes that we willingly commit a thousand times over in a myriad of complex ways, each driving us to deep despair, yet we wander around with a void the size of the Sahara in our souls and hearts, and say that we have complete control over everything…   That we say that the world is changing, when we are on the brink of complete chaos, wars loom large in many parts of the world, the rich countries of the world have used their free will to commit atrocities before fading away into the horizon of mortality, poverty has grown in leaps and bounds, cruel murders and acts of wickedness are committed on a routine basis, all of man’s philosophies and claims have routinely failed him, Sophisticated political philosophies have caused monstrous debacles, some of which many have not recovered yet from, the Horrors of the Nazi Holocaust, the failures of Communism in China, the cruel persecution of Christians in many many countries, often under the radar, we claim Humanism, but it often limits its powers, and it is unable to sustain itself over all, we need to allow Christ to teach us how to Love and to show Kindness, We need God to teach us the meaning of life, it is not something that can be humanly defined when it was never a human who created life in the first place. 

I know that in many ways I have to confront many other hurtful accusations, and in all honesty they are never going to run dry, The Accuser and Deceiver will keep feeding the minds of angry people with all kinds and sorts of arguments, and day by day the pile keeps growing up, but that does not mean that truth is lost, truth defined by human beings is relative at best, God defined truth is Absolute, it withstands the most brutal of attacks and stands strong for all the world to see, but it is up to the individual to decide, to choose, to research and find out, God always wants us, but we have to decide and put aside our own sentiments and anger and decide if we want God. 

Someone I will always remember – a Poem by some regards, a verbal jazz reminiscence in another

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I am just trying to get down my thoughts, 

I want to talk a little about this friend that I had a little while ago, 

His name was Surya, there is an actor of the same name, 

and let me tell you he looked nothing like him, 

but this guy, this wiry athletic guy, let me tell you, 

He could ball, He could speed from one corner of the court to the other in the blink of an eye, 

He would walk all around the court like his favorite player, Kobe Bryant, and he believed on some nights that he was Kobe incarnate, 

This guy, well, he sadly passed away, on a midnight run to get more liquor, this valuable, priceless soul, he drove on the wrong side of the road, and well a lorry did the rest, 

I was home when the news reached me, this guy, this difficult and at times immature guy, when I heard that he was no more, 

my heart felt heavy, sad, grieved, I wept that day, that warm, hot afternoon, I cried slow tears as I cried over the loss of my brother, 

over the loss of my friend, over the loss of a great competitor, a strange teammate, an unrealized life, his hidden talents,

his chance to perhaps get big, or maybe settle down with the girl of his dreams, or trek the wild and become a national geographic photographer, 

I cried for all the lost opportunities, I cried because I never told him about my Jesus, about how much my Lord loved him, 

I cried for the self absorption that I selfishly lavished upon my own interests, while the young kid’s soul wandered, lost and without direction, 

I remember his sudden bouts of warmth and friendship, I remember how he saw me as someone he wished to emulate, and sometimes strive to become better than, 

I remember how he talked with his voice, deadly serious about this ghost that he was having trouble with on his upper floor, right above the house where this cranky middle aged gentleman lived and routinely created undue tensions with his speeches of angry young directionless men, 

I remember my friend, and though the world saw him as someone who did not have direction and purpose, he was a gem, he stuck to his closest friends and always stayed loyal and true, 

I have this other guy, who solicits a particular type of friendship for a season and then moves onward to greener pastures and more exciting and interesting people, 

but Surya, he stayed true, He was stubborn and at times arrogant in getting his way, but sometimes I got more closer so that I could really see… and what I saw stilled my own righteous indignation and rage at the unprecedented attacks , there appeared to be a ray of innocence about the whole deliberate outer charade, 

I saw beneath the veil, I saw deeply unhappy parents seldom interested in rearing a son, I saw a lack of stability in a family torn and disturbed to its core, I saw the melody of dysfunction playing its sullen dull tune, I saw a young man wrestling with the giant waves of life’s vast sea, I saw a deep sadness at being nailed to a tree,  

I saw deep confusion, but out on the court there was a switch , out there he was a puma, an ancient warrior, a leopard, a slender cheetah, raring to go and wrestle with his personal demons, imagine them in the faces of his peers, driving and slashing to the basket like an escaping antelope, feeling maybe for a moment like he had won his duel with fate , with destiny, with others said he could never achieve 

But life was lived in a mix of all the spices and ingredients, life was learned in the shift of power and finding balance, life is lived in the tiny spots and specks that constitute the whole, life is not just any one thing, life is the sum of all the moments, some more than the others  

and I wandered and traveled through the journey of another man’s soul, finding the unheard tune, the unfinished symphony of their hearts, their forgotten moments of shattering, their sad love tales, and their invisible essence

I cried too for the man that he could have been, the better father to compensate for the failure of his own, but some words and feelings don’t quite reach or feel as important as they originally feel, because the life that owned it has passed by, 

He was like water rushing over many rigid and hard stones, his hidden love affair was unrequited and so adorable, 

I am a man who collects memories and feelings, and I will always hold out a place for this simple lost soul, 

Maybe the world might forget him, but he remains someone very dear and precious to me. 

He was not just another soul in a city of a hundred thousand, 

He was not just another son to imperfect parents, 

He was Surya, my friend, my brother and teammate and rival,  

Its funny how when people die, everyone picks up a piece of their association and values it like they were always there and never treated that person wrongly, but then they go out and treat someone else with the same ignorance, 

The gates to his life are shut and sealed, but I honor his life through my gathered realizations, 

He will always be the kid who asked me for a ride back to his darkened slumbering overcrowded house, 

while cops threatened and loomed around with thick mustaches and serious looking faces, 

Always after midnight, and always self consciously, 

Funny how he still sometimes chooses to come in through some memory or feeling,

 I get the feeling that something when I leave the court last, like something is missing and I turn back, 

but its only the highway, the curd thick grey streets, bathed in yellow, 

flickering like stroked flames, kindling memories of the past and the forgotten. 

 

 

 

Finding Peace with God

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Its about seven forty six, the skies are recovering from their darkened shades and turning into a pale sort of blue.. that is at the moment a dissolved mess of silent fading scattered white, by mid-day their blue would be as deep and thick as the waves of the ocean, so thick and bright like a shiny new cover. I sit by the window holding a dark brown covered Bible with golden lettering’s on the sides in my hands, I am reading the 74th Psalm, I was reading it, but my attention turned… For the moment it is towards the tree before me.. This relatively young tree.. Probably fifty or so years old, tall and dignified, and nearly touching the fifth floor, its slender branches extend near my window, the room that I find myself seated by a wall faintly illuminated by the early morning’s light is empty, it appears hollow and possesses nothing apart from the objects that fill its spaces, ordinary and everyday objects that serve conveniences and provide comforts but now remain mere inert subjects unaware of all the grand themes of the human race, but there is a peculiar quality to this room that greatly attracts me to it, perhaps it is the tree that shivers every now and then with the visiting February winds, or perhaps it is the quality of silence that it occupies all day long, so still like a sacred pond and polite and accommodating, and that allows me to drift into a state of meditative inquiry. There were pigeons on the strong branches outside the window, and they stood on their toes like they were waiting for something to happen, they seldom acknowledged each other apart from mere run ins which I deciphered were between the males and females, a sort of companionship scuffle, their eyes strangely were all turned towards the windows, towards the many windows of the 9 floor building whilst the exuberant sounds of morning filled the air, they appeared to watch me, naturally my mind was completely aloof to their attention for I was staring right into their very eyes myself, but largely travelling elsewhere in my mind, feeling thoughts and beginning the process of life, the brief silence stilled both our weary hearts.

The pages of my Bible have seen and occupied my many moods and feelings, the human experience with all its melodrama and unpredictability have quite caught me off guard many a time, and in those times I sometimes attempt to look into the very book that the Saints and Warriors before me have looked into in their own times of confusion or sorrow, for comfort and support. I often open the Bible when my faith undergoes some sort or form of testing, worldly persecution or everyday hardships, but I must admit that sometimes I forget to do that, I do not have the same eager spirit that I enjoyed back in my school days, when the Bible was a source of great joy and curiosity, I have grown older and so has my attention span, in many ways despite my great dislike for routines and mindless activities, my concentration is often beset by my contemplation of earthly matters, of matters of the heart, of the mind, of the future, of life, that too often as the sacred pages of the Holy Book lie open on the table before me, I busy myself in finding answers, in seeking my own resolutions to my rather confusing life. Whilst the Book that silences all of these deceitful demons lies unused on my lap, I guess it is a human tendency to want to be the master of one’s own fate, I can remember a few years ago, when I was younger than I was before when I longed and hungered to prove myself and to set myself apart with my ambitions, a few years down the lane, and a thousand disappointments and frustrations later, I find myself a little older and perhaps a little wiser, though my old ways still lurk beneath my faith, threatening to take over if I lose track of God. But time and time again, my Bible asks me to not trust myself, but to place all my trust in my Lord and Savior, and so far, He has not let me down.

My Bible is a unique book, I have a great fondness and undying passions for books, and I spend much time getting to know the ones that I do possess, as a so called writer, my trade for the moment deals primarily with books, and my ability to grasp their inner contents, but my Bible is by far the one that has seen my entire human condition, laid bare and without any guises or impulses, it has the power to penetrate directly into my spirit whereas others would lead me to my soul or to my mind, My Bible is a refuge and a Shield, it offers me life and terribly important counsel. My Bible’s price outweighs all the books in all the world, for the simple fact that it is God Himself who speaks through it. And for that fact alone, it remains my favorite.

It has seen my many frantic searches for poignant verses that held the mystical capacity to connect right into my spiritual funk, the spiritual condition needs discipline and passion and should not be taken lightly, it is necessary to be connected to the Lord to deal with the terrible poverties and contradictions of the barren human experience, for beyond the outward appearances, which have the capacity to cause terrible perplexities in our fragile hearts, the inner meaning often causes discouragement aplenty in our walks and that is why it is important to surrender one’s will to the Lord, for He is but a speck in a large shore, Meaning and Purpose can only be supplied by one’s Maker and Savior. My natural state tends to limit or forget that important fact, and when I do, a brief reading of a Psalm or a passage of our Lord Jesus’s life from Matthews or some powerful and eloquent verses from the great apostle Paul’s letters are consumed, they shake me awake and put me back on track, for it is not the world that I am meant to make a impression on, but rather against its cunning and deceptions, strangely my inner man galvanized after an encounter with the very bread of life becomes strengthened, I think it was Smith Wigglesworth who mentioned that it was important to read the Bible if we were to enjoy a powerful prayer life, and ever since my renewal of my conviction that fateful day a year and a half ago, Prayer has supported me like crutches, and despite my horrific and pathetic attempts at keeping it a solid discipline, it is in prayer that I have found the most important answers, or rather it is in prayer that God silences my own storms and confusions, He makes me into a warrior and reminds me that I do not have to do things just to please Him.. He is satisfied with me as I am and there is a responsibility to follow God’s laws, but my Lord’s love for me is unconditional and the Bible constantly reminds me of that , and that affects me profoundly like how the sight of eagle’s flight against a cobalt eternal sky tends to awaken my slumbering self and gives me a clearer perspective.

I have often searched for verses like a junkie searches for the elusive kick, desperate and filled with all sorts of hopelessness, when my faith is under attack or when my inner sanctum has been compromised, My Bible and certainly my Maker have heard and seen me in my most desperate and vulnerable position often and they still embrace and welcome me to their presence. If I were to be honest, it was in those moments that I have felt the incredible power of God’s love. His love is matchless and without limitations, and anyone who experiences that “Absolute” treat comes away deeply convicted and renewed.

Sometimes my Bible has seen my undisciplined meanderings and deliberate wanderings of their contents, written over a span of many years, perhaps thousands in the making, despite the time variations, their message all points to one spectacular climax… The Birth of Jesus, and His Sacrifice on the Cross, bring to fruition the Perfect plan of God the Father to unite every race, tribe and man to one splendorous brotherhood that could never be shaken nor destroyed, and sealing the powerful authority and command in the name of ‘JESUS’ and in conclusion despite the many divided strands, weaving together singular, unifying and radical theme.. Of Radical Love and a Love sick God… Sometimes the restlessness of my spirit deeply dissatisfied with earthly affairs.. longing for a personal touch in a cruel and indifferent world, or even a drop of Heaven to be savored somewhere in the sacred pages of this wonderful book causes me to make it my friend… To remind myself of the great power of my Lord, to realize that I serve the Almighty Yahweh and not some weak god who can’t even stand up for himself, In my Life the two friends who have always been a great source of comfort and Joy for me (besides my earthly parents, my sister, my family,a select group of friends and my dog) have been the Bible and my God , My Bible has stirred my reflections and longings causing deep ripples into the very core of my being, I have shared my dreams with it, confessed my most shattered hopes and terrible fears to its creator, it has piqued my curiosity and opened up the lonely inner space for meditation.

I travel along their books, searching and peering like I am walking along a crowded street with intriguing faces that stir a strange sort of reaction in my heart, creating characters within me that I would like to write stories about and observe strange shops with hidden curtains, and I possess this deep longing to lift the veil and understand the great Mystery of the ages that God has deliberately hidden to all mankind, I find myself becoming a character and partaking in with the rich customs of the ancient days, breathing in the life of that era and time and to experience life in the Old Testament when God radically and directly spoke to His beloved people, or in the aftermath of Christ’s Resurrection and to feel the joy of the first believers, or to face the terrible persecutions of the early Christians by the cruel Roman Empire obviously instigated by the Great Deceiver and Accuser from times past, the undeserving prince of this world, the Bible is more than just a book of strange and outdated laws and customs, it is a journey in itself, for it strangely adds depth and character to a naturally sinful soul and unites the spirit of the Writer and the reader and teaches a man the foundational wisdom and principles to survive and lead a life in this unpredictable and cruel world .

One of the reasons I enjoy reading is the way in which, I , the Reader have the capacity to imagine and reconstruct a world with my own imagination, an imagination guided by the raw force of life contained within potent and powerful words and language, I play the scenes of old like they were some personal production of mine. We are such visual creatures that we crave to recreate what happened in times past, or sometimes when we are emotionally raw we use that energy to harness and play our favorite and most memorable memories to help us connect to our lost , I sometimes play historical scenes of great importance to our faith and also attempt to enter the hearts and characters of puzzling characters such as Job, or Daniel the magnificent and my personal hero- King David..! I attempt to understand them through their words and their uttered thoughts, through the offered accounts and observations of scholars, poets, ordinary men and fierce prophets, I try to inhabit their character and perhaps live through a bit of their life before I return to mine. I attempt to understand how the Holy spirit used their lives and their feelings to talk directly to someone who wishes to put a cross on his own back and trek after the Lord in what appears to be a grueling and tough journey that promises to last a whole lifetime.

A plane slowly crawls past the sky with a low growling sound, many hundred feet above yet piercing the imaginary ceiling, living in a city that never sleeps is something, slowly but steadily life awakens, an experience that takes time to understand and unravel, for me it is the sights and sounds that make Madras what it is, the birds that I regularly enjoy and watch, their songs, their chirpy sonnets chipping in through revving motor sounds and the travelling voices of people talking among others add the flavor to the urban atmosphere with its peculiar openness and the feeling of opportunity that it provides. I live amidst giant buildings, aloof and detached outwardly but teeming with inner life, but this is the city, everybody here is lonely because they are all running after things that can never fill, they are searching for things that will never satisfy. I realize that all of man’s knowledge is but slippery ground, lost to fading relatives that are transient and that can never be possessed, seldom answering the most pressing questions of life, it is through an encounter with the Absolute, the key to the Divine that our hungering spirits find Truth. Krishnamurti, one of my favorite philosophers once remarked that Truth was a Pathless land, in his speech and dialogue, he mentioned that truth had been corrupted by authority and dogmas, but in my life, I have found that Truth can be reached and that pathless-ness only leads to us striving to find the cause of life by ourselves and our hands, losing our direction through our loose ways, No wonder it is written that each man has chosen his own path, like lost sheep, straying and assuming our own ways to lead us to the eternal and Absolute truth when it is not given to us to find the total meaning of life. Our Shepherds have led us astray, they seeking Power and Godliness allowed their own corrupted nature to lead us all astray, It is by choosing and seeking God that we find the meaning to life, the purpose for our existence, the significance of our birth and our person, the narrow path that leads to a full and precious life is found(can be found) through the Cross, Through a Love sick Father/Creator sacrificing His own Princely Son to ransom the souls of billions(All), to pay the price that was rightfully ours, so that we could enjoy a life with Him. To know Jesus as our personal savior is to know Peace, for in this world with all its confusions and fears, the only way to know Peace and Strength comes from knowing Jesus as Lord and Savior.

Peace and Love,
God Bless

The Young Man at the Wedding – Short poem

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Dressed to impress, guests walk around with plastered smiles, nodding their heads at people who passed them by,  

the young man walked around with his own troubling thoughts and stares at the bright lights and the colorful commotion happening around, 

He felt distant, aloof and detached, like he was about to complicate his inner soil with unnecessary seeds that would find their way without his permission and begin their own process of growth and distribution, 

He felt like there was something about that event that was about to re-assemble his inner thoughts, and bring back those darned questions that he had so diligently tried to stop, He felt like the crowds there did not want him there,

He felt like the people here only wanted those whom they could resemble, relate to and feel drawn to like, there were masks and disguises, but the masks were assumed to be real and the disguises held on covering the soul, 

Pretty ladies adorned with vivid garments laughed in delight, like their faces were before their mirrors, but the mirror were the crowds, their dark piercing eyes wandered around,  prancing about like looping sparrows, somersaulting in the empty wind,

They were looking, but one who felt their stare assumed that they were searching, the young man was not interested in filling his heart up with puffed up longings and premature celebrations, the feminine spirit was only interested in seducing and feeling important and wanted, 

He was an outsider amidst this jolly pomp and celebration, He longed only for answers to the questions that arose like phantoms within his inner temple,

 His friend was on the stage, but then again, who was a friend…? Weren’t they often times enough mere labels…?

Something that one could boast about or use to drive away his own lonely fears and demons…?   

My dear there are some things that you were not meant to find out, whispered a frightful voice, but in bits equally calm and enlightened, this he realized as the voice of his soul, the shadowy realm of eternal knowledge, 

Is there an end to all of these inner questions that refuse to stop…? He asked to the invisible yet menacing eye that he felt watched him whenever he walked, and talked in places filled to the brim with crowds, strangers and perplexing simple folk, if this was the extent of all life, if what was being preached at tea stalls and road sides was true, that all of life was terrible, then why on earth was man born..? Couldn’t there be a way to stop it all…?

‘How wonderful life is’, echoed the crowd, ‘when you’re in the world’..they sang before they got back to celebrating the joy of life, the thrill of riches and gladness, whilst a woman with a scowl and old clothes picked up pieces of litter that the indifferent crowd threw down, 

Was there a kingdom of darkness and a kingdom of light at work here…? He thought, He knew that at times he was fearless, he did not allow any one thing to take command over his soul, but the crippling questions remained, 

Was there a steady direction to life…? Would he merely live life like everyone else…? Would he find love..? Would he not feel the unconscious darkness attacking his moods in the midst of day someday…? Was there life after death…? Whose life here was doomed to fail..? 

The young man stared at the stage, there was his friend, his face had a smile that was polite and held in place by good intentions, probably taught or learnt from experience, his new wife gleamed with some facial glow, there was no reasoning behind her smile, she was a natural when it came to being the centre of attention , she basked in the visitor’s attention, she diverted their praise and maintained a face of quirky smiles and clueless recognition. 

The young man realized that his friend had finally found the one, or atleast the one who he would be wed to, and strangely it made no sense, there was his friend, and he felt that he should be happy for him, and he was, but there was something that did not feel right, 

But the young man brushed it off, he was no psychic or soothsayer, he had his own life to worry about, but was this circus of seeming happiness a play…? Was this open vanity or was this real…? The door opened to a world that did not contain all of this merriment and joy, 

The young man felt more dismayed, he had lived through terrible ordeals, he had been subjected to bitter life altering experiences, he had transcended his past nature, but still life threw him into confusions when right in the midst of something mundane, an emotion sent his heart splitting , and the welcome familiarity of his intellectual thoughts were separated and the unique hostility of the real dwarfed his own foundations carefully constructed over time, 

The young man felt more and more immersed in the abject despair that comes whenever he felt disconnected and detached away from the community of stranger full crowds, some familiar, others not, 

Here he was again, in the all too real yet dull realm of the familiar and architecture stained by the affairs of men, 

there was nothing sublime nor worth looking forward to in such extraordinary ordinary places, 

He wished to ride on the back of a camel as the crescent moon pierced the tops of slumbering pyramids, 

He wished to fly over populated and dystopic cities and read the thoughts of its billion separated souls, 

he wished to draw lines derived from mathematical algorithms and find the cure for nothing and boredom, 

he wished to read signs that appeared as brief glimpses buried in the epidermis of the face, 

he wished to meet the invisible yet thinly manifested soul in the lives of men in bondage to civilization’s dark impulses, 

but the food that he was searching was spiritual and his own savage seeking hunger could never be satisfied by the voyeuristic glimpse into society’s meaningless celebrations, he could only see ruin beyond this momentary delight filled with a million unrealistic fakers and hypocrisies. 

There was a monster inside of him crying out for spiritual food, crying like a child discovering the stars after being buried in the dead of a house and a crib, crying like the cry for wisdom in the heart of a fool broken continually by debilitating falls, 

The young man, ground his teeth, and walked out, this was not his world, it would never be, his war was different, his friend would understand, 

The young man was not afraid of truth, He stared at the skies far above the sterile glow of the high neon lamps, consuming the dark beauty of the night millions of miles above glittering with the dots of hidden worlds and constellations of swords, dark like the gypsy’s mysterious eyes and cryptic forecasts, He was a military soldier, his heart was at war, at war with what was normal, with conformity, with ideas of how one was expected to behave, at war with peace, 

And strangely, far above, where truth did not need bits and pieces assumed and believed to be the whole, the young man’s heart was being drawn to what he was truly searching for, for the very peace that was hidden behind all the confusions thrown in a man’s path, for the truth behind all of life, 

The young man was slowly being driven towards the very arms of God.