A Post after a four month break – Doubts, Confusions and Fears

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I see different cultures and I feel a terrifying fear… How can I ever find the intelligence and the heart to understand their way of life completely.. am I not a weakling when it comes to confidence and making impressions…? I see the immensely mystifying feminine ethos and I am scared of making a complete fool of myself, by attempting some form of understanding… I see person after person pass by me without me grasping anything pertinent about their person and I am cast into a pit of woe… Why can’t I understand anything… I brood to myself… Does this have to repeat day after day…? Hammering away my intent to center myself in God’s spirit….!

Should I even attempt to understand them all in the first place…?

I don’t want to fall into the routine habit of generalizing them as the anguish of existence, or the painful process of expanding one’s consciousness… There are emotions that my heart feels when it perceives a threat that I am completely overwhelmed by… There are feelings that awaken when I encounter something that I have never encountered or fear to encounter… So often, I allow these types of mental affectations to deeply confuse, maim and wound me, since I seek an end.. an answer… and an absolute truth that can help me combat the questions whose force is razor sharp to my psyche… I can’t rest unless I understand, and I won’t… and this is why I often pace within the inward chambers of my heart with melancholy and strife, eternal.

What if the answer was Jesus.. What if the answers are simple.. but the questions complex. We seem to confuse something that we can’t readily understand and react to it like an infant lost in a huge and chaotic place who cries and screams for his mother… We repress the memory and instead choose a hardened method of coping if that ever happens again. When I first began to play basketball… I wanted to compete with the top talents… I wanted to gauge my own place… I had much to prove to myself… I was met instead with hostility, unkindness and arrogance. And that made me sink into my own fears of insecurity and hating who I perceived I was- a failure. But as the years passed, I continued my love and passion for the sport, I strengthened my bond with the game, it became more than a game to me in the process… it became a training ground and a companionship that held me together even as I struggled with the mighty foes that afflicted all youth. I lost my chance of making it big in that sport… I was way too shy and passive to demand attention from coaches and clubs…

When the time came for me to assert my own place.. I became increasingly aggressive and egoistic, I hid these tendencies within and displayed them when someone crossed the line… Though I played by the rules and reflected a certain class, I took great joy in making people fail… in my head it was a strategic way of dealing with an opponent.. I was not demoralizing their life… I was just asserting myself on the court and setting myself up as an Alpha… while everyone else was a threat, I always had a seemingly limitless amount of zeal and endurance, I didn’t want anything to defeat my spirit… I remember so many times I have been close to fainting from sheer exhaustion and dehydration.. but I always went at it again… I went against anyone who threatened me and I broke them down with my relentless drive and competitive nature… I never allowed anyone to get too close to me, it was always about the competition.. and battling against the demons of the past. But I often wonder, as someone who loves Christ and wishes to follow Him in every teeny weeny way… Am I doing the right thing…? Is this how I am supposed to treat people…? How would I feel if someone did what I did to others to me…? The words of the Bible with their particular and potent method of breaking one’s illusion, hit me like a rock.

How can I claim to follow a God who spoke about loving one’s enemies if I do not allow my egoistic methods to subside and instead choose to just enjoy the sport for the reasons that I was attracted to it in the first place. Mere ambition will get me nowhere, as the verse from Ecclesiastes says… There is nothing new under the sun. All men go about wishing to own something in the same way that I do… The only means is that of arrogance, aggressiveness and power by all means necessary. I don’t wish to go that way.. Even if I am unrecognized and hidden away in some corner of the world… the principles to fulfilling all ambitions are the same.

I can’t find comfort in knowing that God has gifted billions with the same ability and has in certain ways opened doors that were shut in my face. But I have found peace in my own ways.. with God’s help nevertheless… and to be honest, they offer me the freedom that I have always longed for in regard to the sport. I can enjoy it and still compete at the highest level without allowing other people’s energies and negativity to affect me personally. Meditating with the Lord has taught me that He understands my pain, and appreciates my forgotten and undervalued achievements… I derive the utmost comfort in knowing that He loves me for who I am… and that He knows that I love basketball …. He was the one who put that there in the first place.

I know that I am tiny speck… a statistic that is surrounded by billions of other lives in action… Creation is at work all around me, people are finding their lives, living their lives and also going through the process of life… it is quite easy for my faith to get attacked and broken when I see the immense vastness of it all, and feel my own intelligence reaching its limits… and lose myself in the immense disorder that appears to be monotonous, comforting to my deep insensitivity and plain… and I do feel that way often… and when that happens I find myself losing the love that I have for myself.. I find my grip to understanding reality moving away from me… I find myself reduced to the negative thoughts that rule over me with ease. God feels distant… and I seem to be surrounded by a life that is empty, barren and without the slightest stimulation… I have learnt the hard way that , that is the life that is out there without God. For someone like me who feels real deeply about everything and anything, I can understand why I feel the way that I do… but through such struggles and problems… I have learned to seek God and I find that when I do.. my world becomes easier to live.. my sanity returns and I am free to express the person that God has created me to be. Fear is good in a way, it helps me see that without God I am indeed nothing and need Him more than I think I do.