Loner Diaries – Cloudy skies in June

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My mother has always possessed the knack for giving me profound one liners out of the blue… that just jarr me awake from some mindless conscious slumber… and into the depths of a question that I may have picked up subconsciously in my encounters with existence in a place that I can’t fathom, much less comprehend in words that make sense… I seem to always be on a quest to find answers…to seek riches in impoverished hearts.. to find stories in plain, barren landscapes.. I fumble and search in my own inner rooms for answers… The question seems to be formed by encountering the raw, unfiltered, unapologetic assailing flood of reality…, my soul which finds hope in purpose, reason and affirmations immediately breaks in its inner most parts the moment evil, darkness and brokenness seeps in through such disguises…, I need to throw my weakness headlong into the feet of Christ to even have a chance of surviving this maddening, hurting world.. He remains my strength, my confidence, my courage and my only Hope and Faith.

My Ma told me that animals have voices that are not heard, and that we have to hear them and treat them right…. They are ‘Vai illadha jeevangal’ in Tamil, which translates to ‘Hearts(Life) without Mouths’… She told me that after I became frustrated when my 2 year old pup had gleefully torn apart my expensive head phones…, I love dogs.. I love cats.. Parrots… Crows.. Eagles( My personal Favorite- My personality is a lot like an Eagle), Owls.. basically any sort of animal – wild, domestic or abandoned.. I love them all… It is my dream to build a shelter for them along with a shelter for the homeless…, I love dogs especially.. I have spent a whole lot of time with them… Street doggy’s …. Other’s Pets… Personal Pets… Dogs are always so passionate … Just like me… They fall in love with you without ever enquiring about your College education, or status or looks…They are so alive, full of life and in the present that I take great joy in observing them up close whenever I can… I learn so much about my relationship with my Lord by seeing the playfulness, the indignant defiance of my Pup and the wrong choices that she routinely makes…But I can’t ever seem to be angry with her for a long while… Even though I seem to have a different type of a reply to hurt these days. I either feel resigned or take it way too deeply, my Dog sees the best of me because she just enjoys every bit of me .. In her eyes I am her Master.. A privilege, a joy and a soulfully powerful passion… I am just blown away by such deep emotions from an animal that people often take for granted.., it’s hard to feel angry at someone( human or animal) who does that… but with people they are not so easy.. Their actions feels like a rip into my very soul although I never show it on the outside. I can’t understand such grown up changes in my heart.. I was bulletproof for a while, not anymore.. Although I am quite grounded and mature in my responses, I don’t like being treated a particular way.. and that is what I routinely get.. Consciously and unconsciously… But Christ helps me cope, to deal with negativity and to deal with my own negativity, sinfulness and my personal nonsense.

We recently hired a wonderful individual who is both deaf and dumb, and that is where my mom’s dialogue helped, the one about being sensitive towards the differently abled… I see everything through dreamy eyes.. I view her as a different type of a super hero…, One who is entrenched in a past that has made her silent.. a secret that has to be found, and she can only relate or communicate in deep symbols and art…But in real life she has such an infectious personality, life just seems to throb within her… She is very expressive, bright and easily distracted. I have to manage her, an accountant and other vibrant, forceful personalities at work… She has got me thinking a lot.., I am careful to communicate with her everyday on a small basis… I tell her Hi every morning, I inquire about her life.., I ask her stuff about her Faith.. , but I stay afar… since I have to manage her…, I was one of the important people who vouched for more diversity in our Ministry.. Our organization has a unique vision and mind set, and it is my job to guard, act and preserve the heart of Christ on which it was founded upon… My prayers for dedicated individuals who wish to serve the Lord full time seems to have been answered, she is quite efficient in her work and rarely complains…. But I am drawn to the complexity of the situation, I feel terribly sad that she can never ever enjoy some of the everyday benefits that I just take for granted. Like listening to people speak… or listen to music, or even have the ability to just speak back…But I guess that that’s not her take on things… She is blissfully unaware or appears to be oblivious to such perceptions… In a way she is no different from me… I enjoy being mute from the world of people who just speak for the sake of it…, I wonder what goes on in her mind.. I wonder how she sees someone … I love Christ because He seemed to treat everybody the same way but was also highly receptive and loving in his treatment of them… I guess only a reject, an outsider and an outcast like me would understand what acceptance really entails, especially from an invisible man whose love exceeds all human imagination. I have a huge responsibility to share the Christ that I know with her, chiefly through actions… although I have no genius ideas at the moment…  I feel protective like an elder brother, at times like a boss who has to manage her more unformed business side…, communicating is hard because I don’t want her to feel odd when I can’t understand some gesture that she makes… but I am learning.. I have known two other people as special as her… I have a little experience with Mentally Retarded Children.., I am bringing all of that up as if it will help me pad by stats, I don’t say that to impress… I am just curious about their lives… but I want to desperately help as many people as I can… But I don’t know how.. I am a shy, introverted guy who finds companionship in books, dreams, poetry and thoughts. But I am learning that Christ just wants passionate willing hearts ready to serve.
She has settled well…, but I must be more aware of taking an extra effort to be nice to her and never make her feel what millions probably made her feel. Only God can help me in this exercise..I see nothing different about her and me…, Speaking and Sounds are overrated… In all reality I would switch places with her in an instant.. and I would probably love it… But I love what the love of God has done in my life… I am often turned off by the rigid passages of the Bible.., but I know that this special love for the different, for the lowly, the rejected and the forgotten…, for the broken comes from my Lord and Savior… I randomly held the hands of a wandering lady at the beach and told her that I would pray for her…, She seemed irritated by my action which I found endearing.. But I insisted.. She does not know the love inherent in Prayer…, I am not emotionally charged or hyped about this radical part… I know the strain, the stresses and the darkness of dealing with spirits who are anything but normal in certain aspects and very normal in others. But I am driven by the passion of serving Christ and I want to do more… it is causing problems chiefly because I live a very simple, pleasant life… I want to abandon all of my comforts and go to places where I am needed, but I guess I am where I am needed the most.

The creative mind is often times reflective of the heart’s life, and my heart is overwhelmed right now.. I couldn’t record my show today.., and I miss Basketball.., I have to wait another three weeks before I can play…, and I feel it’s impact on my heart… It feels slow, irritable, resistant, uncontrollable and lost… I can’t understand or grasp the intricacies of the deep of the night, or find nuances, emotions or color hues in the farthest corner of the night skies…, I find an inability to connect to my deepest soul at the moment, I worry immediately… I have a lot to say, to think, to feel and to ponder upon… I play music.. It’s okay when the words won’t come … He is nearby.. I have someone who knows how to get me… I can sit by His feet all night long…, He knows me. He is my favorite, there isn’t anything I cannot talk to Him about… Jazz, art, life, love, music, soul… His eternal heart has intuition that is infinite, a love for me that seems heavenly and beyond earthly measures and standards… And.. most importantly.. He is always there for me.. Always.

I wonder often if I am wasting my heart’s desires on temporary mirages, glamorous dead ends and seductive prisons and damaging illusions…. I know I am… , I enjoy chases… but seldom have I caught up with what I have chased with all my heart…Everyone that I care for seem to fall short.. or just plain leave…My choices still seem intent on wasting what I have gained in the pursuit of what I should not be after…, I try my best to be who God wants me to be… but I am still short.. Real short.. If I died today… Hell is where my eternal resting place would be.. which is ironic since there is no rest in Hell.

I have had bouts where I have cried and cried, my soul has felt the intense loneliness of an indifferent universe… My tears flowed from the deepest parts of my heart .. My tears remind me that I have a heart that needs more than just human companionship which I falsely thought was the cure.., my tears help me see that my hurt can be dealt with through just grieving deeply … I began to enjoy my self inflicted damage… I enjoyed seeing myself as a failure… as a wash out… and as someone incapable of Hope… But I had a warrior in my heart too… I hated giving up in real life … but I had nobody that seemed to connect to who I really was… I lost myself in my darkness and shied away from the light… I had no rest…I used to feel that it was my pain that truly helped my soul to write and to be who I was.. Pain was often my refuge… Loneliness used to be another refuge.., Sadness another.. Melancholy another…., I have stayed away from human contact for one full year and many years inbetween… I have closed and sealed off rooms from all things that reminded me of human existence, presence and contact…, I have dwelt in deep dark gloom, I have known the pain of others which I have worshiped as my own.. I don’t know how the light has become a part of my life… I used to enjoy the darkness.. but these days the light is what I crave, need and long for.

I can’t forget my past…, I have messed up.., I have directly messed up people’s lives… I have been impulsive, stupid and foolish… I have wasted major portions of my life… I have made millions of wrong choices… How did I get it all wrong despite being incredibly sensitive, naive and mindful of people, their hearts and their lives…? I haven’t acted out in anger against the tens of hundreds of people who directly hurt me…, I can’t deal with what I did wrong since I have this nature of just checking off all angles, layers, possibilities and choices before engaging in a choice. I can’t deal with the shame.. the sadness.. the anger that it causes in my heart… since I stand for truth and justice even if it hurts my public image, my self image and my heart. But Christ forgave what was wrong in my heart, He healed what I could never forget.. I still find myself haunted and reminded of my past.., its hurts and it’s pain… But I find the intensity bearable, tolerable and manageable. I guess it takes a great sinner to know the great mercy of Christ.

“Beautiful the mess we are.. We pour out our miseries and God just hears a melody” croons Amy Grant in my heart… reaching straight for my heart.. and I must agree… He is creating a melody through my life.. A light against the seemingly insurmountable darkness…, and a joy in the midst of agony, screams and distress…, a strength in moments of storms and despair.. But I am afraid.. that I will fail miserably and never be who He intended me to be. Lord… I hope you are listening.

Late night thoughts on Faith- A few observations ( I’m going to be late for work tomorrow.. Yikes)

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What do I do with the supposedly evil portions of the Bible..? ( GOD is not evil.. but His acts of Justice violent as they be seem too difficult to grasp) How can I just accept the shedding of blood of innocent animals that served to hide the serious sinfulness of early men and women..? Am I getting a glimpse into the deeply sensitive nature of a Holy God who upon seeing the blood of an innocent animal being shed subdues His own fearsome wrath and forgives graciously large, difficult sins..? Or am I seeing a tyrant who delighted in the mindless slaughter of endless animals as most other pagan religions practised, required and demanded…? I can’t quite make up my mind.. I have run away from this passage and perplexity often.. I can’t seem to shake away the need for such an action from my limited, fallen and human perspective.. with my need for sinfulness to relax and recoup from the stresses of being made perfect in Faith.. I must accept that I don’t have the theological know hows as to why God would ask Joshua to kill entire cities, countries and inhabitations without the slightest emotion or remorse, I can’t understand the book of lamentations and I confess to have trouble with the passages where God asks Fathers to stone their daughter who sin, I can’t understand the violent demand for such an act. But I am looking at it from my perspective.., Not from the perspective of a Perfect Supernatural being.. whose every demand contains a will that covers the future and the present…But I can sense a deeper side to the story, a part that like a noble parent whose suffering is hid is reflected…, I see all of the Lord’s acts as His own wishes… I love Him even though I don’t agree with Him, but I know that He has the power and the love to make right choices that despite their impact lead to a greater glory, a greater good and greater benefit…. I once saw the writings of Paul as indigestable bitter pills, I now can see beyond their surface and understand the power and the cry of the Holy spirit to refrain from sin which captures, imprisons, torments and then assassinates. I can understand therefore the severity of the language. I despised the fact that the Lord chose the Jews as His favored race… but I understand now after a prolonged research that He wanted to redeem the world through them.., I understand because even when I pick a team of people… I almost always gravitate towards those who are weak, unpickable and lack natural talent.

I much prefer a personal time alone with the Lord, where I can bask within Him and find love for all my unheard cries, comfort for all my wounds with an unjust, brutal and hopeless culture and civilization and remedy for my sicknesses, fears and trials. I enjoy discovering Him throughout the dull narratives of Old testament texts which in my opinion are often un-spectacular. Not because of the Lord, but because of the lack of life in the historical texts. But reading them fills my spirit which is another unfathomable complexity. I view faith with wonder and awe, more than finding it as a rigorous self exacting discipline that makes the spirit the seat of control and not the soul. I have trouble listening to Pastors who preach Biblically , mostly because I would rather have someone explain it to me with Grace than warning me with severity. I know that my wants and demands are often done to protect my own feelings which do not like being confronted with truth and the reminders of a dire awaiting doom. I have the patience to understand myself, people from the outside take scalpels and do damage often with well intentioned sermons that bruise and wound more than heal, restore and redeem. But I know that I have to humble myself and take a good sound beating every once in a while to correct my Public persona for the sake of the Christian brethren.

I must confess that I often feel content in my state of imperfection…. Striving towards Godliness seems to imply a sensational and powerful inward wrestle…. A shocking inward battleground, far removed from prying human eyes where I have to constantly subdue my sinfulness and act upon my Christfulness.

I identify this as some repressed gleam of being driven towards those habits and acts that I have since abandoned since I took up a Cross and began to follow Christ. So many have fallen from this walk.., and I hear sincere minded preachers often speaking in severity about the fallen, and I get it.. the consequences of a life not lived for Christ leads straight to the fiery pits of Hell…, Hell is the ultimate soul killer, the final resting place for the damned, the condemned and the guilty… God throws men who have rejected Him into Hell… , and these sinners are tormented forever and ever… Their cries go up day and night.. and there will be no rest for them. I feel that this portion of the Scriptures makes men legal about God’s free Grace, and I understand… There are serious, striking passages about God in the Scriptures that make me fearful and terror filled. I guess that my dabbling in occasional sinfulness just to stave off a longing for human companionship has desensitivized me to the terrible plight rewarded to all sinners who gleefully reject a wonderful, magnificent and precious Lord. I understand the terrible punishment, Man is an eternal creature.. He cannot be extinguished much less erased.., The spiritual realities of this world seem more terrifying than the physical ones.

All my life my thoughts have been consumed by Hell. I have stayed away from a curiosity in Cults and joining one because of Hell, I have stayed away from accepting the Hindu Faith that I have always felt a great attraction towards for the fear of Hell, I have stayed away from Occultism because of a fear of Hell, for a long long period of time.. Hell has always been in my thoughts striking fear inwardly, making me weep in unconscious anguish.. I have often pictured myself suffering and burning in Hell.., I can’t even comprehend the reality of what that might imply. After I survived my suicidal attempt by the grace of God, I had a dream where I encountered Hell.., I saw demons speaking to souls whose life had ended.., they were delightful that they could finally torment these souls who had chosen deliberately to stray away from a Holy, Loving Lord.. The sickening and terrifying part was that I was there with them.., They condemned each soul and threw him into what looked like a portal through which the fiery furnace of Hell was tangible.., I could hear the tormented screams of lost souls…, I felt terrified and deeply frightened… All my life I had feared this place… I had feared two things in my life… One was ending up in this place and two was not using my talents as described in the wonderfully comforting parable of Jesus. Yes the one about the usage of talents, that one has haunted me for years.

I find little comfort or motivation to act out on all the rigorous and extremely hard calls presented in the letters of Paul… They seem too judgmental for my tastes, too critical and leave no support or strength to stare at oneself. I fear risking my personal freedoms, I fear losing my own personality that took years of painful self examination to construct much less unearth, I fear losing me and becoming a puritan who blocks out the world. I have a great need to experience the world as me, I don’t want to become a robot who completely forsakes the world. I love the world.. I have grown used to its heartlessness and apathy, I love its mountains, its hills, it’s rivers, the mighty oceans that house such life within… It is a beautiful, vast place that has decayed thanks to us humans.. The world I inhabit contains slums where ditches run into houses, where prostitutes live near a river of dirt in huts and small one room houses used by men who please themselves for reasons unknown.., I routinely see dogs reduced to a pulp on the roads, I see dogs without homes, cows slaughtered, people dying on the roads, people murdered for no discernible reason.. These seek to destroy me.

But I struggle to attend Church regularly, I hate going to office on time, I despise judgmental counsel offered critically, I struggle to control my former bad habits that were rooted in my brain and heart for many many years, I can’t accept everything about Faith.. I can’t digest it much less comprehend and sincerely speaking live it.. It seems impossible, too hard.. too demanding.. and requires complete submission… I feel like everyday I have blown off my chances to ever reach Heaven which seems like more of a mirage than a reality to me. I have not thought of heaven at all for years, Hell has always had my fears, my worries and my anxieties.

I also realize that Christ is not magically going to save me at the last moment… As much as I glow and love to speak about His wondrous mercies.. I know all too seriously the stricter side of things… I realize that I have to walk this path…, I have to live a life that pleases Him and not one that pleases me… and that is where the difficult part is…. Having an invisible friend who is a mixture of Mercy and Justice is hard to understand much less follow at all costs…, I constantly find myself comparing Him to individuals in my life.. Is He like my Boss at work…? Who seldom listens to who I am, much less knowing me but gives me all the strictest tasks in the world with the strictest words…? Or is He like my dad who finds comfort in knowing a God of Grace who has mercifully upheld him during periods of trials, temptations, failures and discouragements…? I would much prefer God to be like my Dad who loves and tolerates the difficult parts of me and takes great pains to understand my heart even though he wants to speak about his glory all the time. I would gladly choose the great terrors of Hell if God were like my Boss, who rarely appreciates me and always tries to correct me without hearing my side. I know that this is a blasphemous statement, but I am just letting you know that I need more than just a strict guardian.. I want God to listen to me… to hear my side.. to love me at all times… even if I bring shame and disgrace to Him which I am quite an expert at.. I want Him most of all to just enjoy me.., Most people just pass me by and rarely if ever acknowledge me, much less stay interested in me. I no longer care if I am being rejected by 7 billion people, I just don’t want to be rejected by Him… I am not in love with Him because He could save me from Hell…, I love Him because He loves me as I am.

I know the grand benefits of serving Him… I experienced a few just this afternoon… Prayer for a child admitted to the ICU … who hours later was transferred to a general ward… Heavy rains stopped so that my team could play Cricket…, a lack of courage changed after a prayer which led to fierce strikes all over the ground and a passionate fielding and bowling effort. God routinely changes the odds into my Favor that I have stopped calling them miracles and freaky coincidences, I call them natural and expected.. My Faith grows with every answered prayer… My House is protected during the night.. The Health of my parents is ensured.. My Sister’s future is ensured…, Angels protect my family and my doggy throughout the day, round the clock.., I find stoic doors being opened for me… I find unexpected friendships.. I find favor.. I see God’s handiwork in all these acts.

The temptations of this world often call out to me…, and it is extremely difficult to constantly battle them chiefly since I find that I have no sound moral urges within my heart. I connect more profoundly with sinners dealing with their sins than Saints preaching Heaven… But I do it because I love Jesus.. I enjoy making God Happy.., He is my Chief passion in this life.. I want to make Him happy, I go out of my way to talk Jesus to people from my town, who stare at me strangely through disinterested eyes, I see a guarded heart emerge when I speak to my cricket friends about Him. My old friends listen out of respect and then go on about their life, I guess nobody really has the time for Him… I remember that I too was this way not so long ago.. But I have always loved Him and tried to make Him happy for a little while.., and then followed my own urges…, but now I joyfully serve Him full time in a place of hardened hearts and stone faced masks rejoicing in the opportunity to do so.

But He has touched me to see people differently, thanks to Him I no longer hate those who hurt and wound me without realizing. I love offering people unmerited kindness even though I can be graciously stingy about it and lament about it to Him telling Him all about how it would go unnoticed, much less appreciated. I love helping people having a hard time, I love listening to those whose lives have become broken and need mending, fixing and mostly needs a whole lot of Grace… And I have no problem offering it because I know how much Grace I received in my life.. I know that I don’t deserve anything. At work I find the conservative Christians terribly upset and sensitive about every misdeed of others, often times cutting them down and sermonizing to them about their fallen acts… I find peace and understanding instead knowing that only a sinner could truly understand what Grace really means for a spirit discovering Christ. Christ to me is more than just God.. He is my place where I go to realign myself, to rework on secret faults.. to grieve for the losses of this world…, to find out who I can be and to learn who I should be.

A young shy, inhibited and socially awkward kid once saw basketball as his sole refuge. Unable to understand a world that clearly did not need me, I grew connected in soul to a sport that taught me to develop personal mastery and competitiveness… That kid now knows Christ as His ALL. Christ is now my refuge, my BFF and my only strength even though I fail spectacularly in most attempts. I remember a recent incident where I almost blew my image, and avoided a major embarrassment to myself… at a recent testimony witness at a small church in a forsaken, lost part of town…I was passionately into my testimony.., I had gotten over the drug use parts.. past the failed relationship parts…past the alcohol, occult use, suicidal parts… and suddenly I forgot what I had to say… I just stared at the crowd with confusion and bewilderment before thankfully finding another completely disconnected word and finishing off 27 years of my life within a time span of 15 minutes.. In the views of my over hyped organizer I had taken too much time talking about my testimony.., a godly mistake in his eyes. Another incident completely unrelated, but one that I wish to vent about In the views of my horrifically perfection bound and seeking Employer, I seem to misguide his employees and spend too much time listening to their grumblings and rants, a procedure he finds amusing to his industrial mindset. A counselor at heart, my patience knows no boundaries when it comes to listening.. My employer who wishes to create immediate stalwards of honor and integrity rarely seems to know how to reach their heart.. something that I have no problems with.. be it with a stranger or with the chronically reserved.

Christ did offer me new urges. He did. I have changed for the better by no longer being controlled by my former life and its sinfulness.. But that does not mean that I don’t want to occasionally give drugs a try, or have an affair for the fun of it, or engage in casual relationships, or just do as I please and not be bothered about the consequences…, The Christian life asks me to become incredibly consumed about my personal actions, I have to act cordially even though my work colleague cut me off rudely and began a major rant about his personal wounded feelings without understanding the impact that he has one me…, I have to be patient with the young kid who is having his first experience at work and sees everybody as an enemy when corrected and perceives it to be a sign of exceptional courage to speak against the so called system, I have to listen as he voices out complaints against everybody for hours and sees himself as having no effect on anybody. He rarely understands the power of his hurtful language, his tone or his bitterness against everybody. I have to listen and understand the grief of a young heart experiencing the harrowing world of hospitals, busy doctors and long queues as he and his family hospitalizes his young relative who has a swollen heart and boils in her tummy, I have to extend grace to a former roommate who once joyfully tormented me with His knowledge of the world and with His instincts towards control and bitterness. I have to be courteous towards a former friend who once cut down my intelligence and exalted his own while he belittled every inch of my faith, my values and mocked the Holy Spirit as a phony and spoke about speaking in tongues as an exaggeration. I must not only accept Him, but I must love Him even though by my human standards I want nothing more to do than ignore, hurt and throw him away. My anger has to be controlled, my wandering eyes must be reigned in, my passionate responses to a sight of the female form have to be understood and quickly deflated, my bitterness has to be dealt with in Prayer.. My heart’s longings have to be discarded and seen in the light of what God wishes for me. In short, I am controlled by instincts that build a healthy, deep and wonderful me, and in this painful reconstruction I can see glimpses of the Only Perfect being in all of history.. My Master Jesus Christ and that gives me hope to continue and press on.

Glory

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Resistance is within us,
One day the war will be won,
Until then victory will seem afar,
But for now I am called to be a hero. 

For the cross of Christ, 
I am called to war within me,
His blood lifts me to heavenly heights
Even as I battle the fiery urges of Hades within me.
I am a troubled warrior, a meek saint, a timid yet glorious weapon, I am the cause but The power of the Cross is my drug…,
It beckons me on,
I will be sure in the midst of my nerve numbing uncertainties,
I will strive to carry this torch across thousands of miles,
I have the chance to right my evils and all the wrongs committed in my own history,
I will not be defeated by the overpowering might of the darkness ,
Lord make me strong, I am your enemy, 
I need You to drag me to the finish,
I can’t do this on my own,
I serve You and You alone,
I want that Heavenly crown,  I want you to call me a hero,
The day to change is now,
I don’t ever want to ever look back, for my past and my bleeding scars are lethal,
They take my energy and defeat my faith’s heart…
Lord… I need Glory,
I need You,
Drag me to the place where your throne stands