Surges of Brilliance – Poem

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Surges of brilliance,
unpredictable gushes of torrential clarity,
a deep thrust into the depths of whatever it is that runs within me,
crashing like splintering, waves,
sending shivers of intense emotions ,
what reality covers with mediocrity and oppressive sincerity,
The Moonbeams bring forth from the concealed
depths,leading inwardly into doors hidden beneath,
Spaces of time, what candle so brief should shudder like hips swaying to a mystic tantalizing beat..?
Stepping past the passage of self pathos, running headlong with pants of eager longing
into the meadows of art’s maddening glucose,
My heart is haunted by ghouls and rushes of psychic emotion,
Senseless Panic pulls away the soul from the abstract pathway into oblivious richness,
Invisible hands drag me down whenever I climb art’s ladder,
Fear’s demons dance around drawing me into manias of doubt,
I pay more attention to my fears than my goods,
I am a man divided and blown apart.
Too intense and too hard,
Too cold and too warm..,
I contain worlds and paradoxes within.

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How I want her to be Vs How She Really is..! – A poem and an imaginative survey of my former heartbreaks and rejections.

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How I want her to be:

Her: You know the reason why I have been giving you the cold shoulder is because I have actually been in love with you.
Me : Thank you so much, that makes all the sense in the world.
Her: I can’t wait to be your wife, your soul mate.., your everything.. I know that we have never met.., but I have always known that you were the love of my life. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.
Me: Wow.., I feel the same way, I have felt that way since the beginning.. and since the second I met you.

How she really is:

Reality and self hate:

She has been consumed in her world, she forgot you the moment you left.., You did not even make an impression.., she rarely ever though about you, never went through your Instagram, your Facebook accounts and most definitely did not give you missed calls.., and has not been dreaming or longing for you in the same way that you have been of her, and check this out.. Heartbreak Cliche’ – She has been very much in love with this guy that she met, oh.. did that hurt Romeo..? I’m sorry did that just burst your romantic bubble.. Didn’t I tell you to stay out..? Yeah..time you started listening to your brain a little bit more Einstein.

Doubts begin their beautiful wrecking process:

Wow.., if this is not what it appears to be..,what about all the events of my life that I feel have other explanations.. Spiritual wars being fought for my sake..? Divinely arranged events that lead to my redemption, my strength and to my happiness…!

Man screw the other explanations… they are the ones that really hurt and make it worse and harder than it has to be.., but I can’t accept the truth of what happened right now.., it makes me fumble and struggle in vain to put up a facade.., Now I have to act like everything is okay.. when I am crushed.. destroyed.., How can I even recover from all of this..? I can’t feign strength anymore, I am too weak, Lord Help me..Please… I can’t deal with these types of experiences again Father.., You were right.. I’m sorry I left Your safety to venture out into this unwanted dark nightmare.. For once I would like for things to go the way I want them to be. Lord, I can’t take this anymore.. I want out.. Like out of the whole spectrum of the human experience.. I can’t be such a sucka for this, I have the wisdom of a sage now, but the foolishness of a dog…

Hope and common sense have a conversation:

I mean she texted me that one time right..? There had to be something behind that.. I mean she forgets all about me for a year…, and then all of a sudden.. She messages me on my phone right.., that’s got to be a sign right..? Right..? Please let that be a sign.. I am tired of holding on to people who never held on to me in the first place.. I am a forgotten place.. A forsaken desert.. a place of abandonment.. Rejection Avenue.. Oh yeah, I take it really personally…, Real personal.. that’s who I am. I am looking for love in all the wrong places.. I got to be a little more realistic and connect with people that I Know in like real life.., and not people who live so far away. I hope you learn something important from all of this.

I speak to the Lord :

Lord..? Lord…? Please.. hear me…, my heart is broken.. by a fantasy that went too far..! I’m sure you were there throughout as I fancied and fantasized…I’m sure that you even warned me a couple of times.. Why didn’t I listen to You..? You obviously know a lot more about Her than me.., but as always I had to take charge, take a plunge into uncertain land and rely on my own instincts and feelings…, Will I ever be right Lord..? Why did I have to feel this way all of a sudden for no meaning..? I have been completely alright for over three years with no candidates in sight… I am afraid aren’t I..? Afraid that I won’t find this so called ‘One’…? Afraid that I won’t live the life that I always dreamed about..? All she offers me are empty blank spaces on social media, unanswered messages that pile up in the dozen…, long long periods before answering with a few words…, that just smells of a lack of interest, and a … I wish I wasn’t so interested, I was fine being alone Lord…Who am I kidding..? I want what I dream of too.. I deserve a good person right..? Everybody else is falling left and right in love.., I am like the only man who always gets left off..? Why does this keep happening to me Father..? Please help me.., I don’t want her anymore.., please help me forget all that happened.., and please get rid of this inner blade just stabbing me endlessly within.., I can’t deal with the shame and the embarrassment.., this pain is too intense and overpowering… Help me please.

Deliverance:

I was wrong Lord.., I should not have done this without consulting You. I am sorry.. But please.. listen to me as I am being hurt by my own heart’s inability to handle realistic situations…,
Nobody can ever take Your place.. I am sorry, in a way I was searching for somebody with whom I could be as close as I am always with You.. But I was fooled and duped again.., People seem to have their own feelings and eyes, You would know Lord.. For thousands of years.. People have done the same to You… In a way I have done it to You too…, forgive me and forgive them for all our stupidities.., Forgive me for putting someone else over You.., But Help me now.. For I need You to reach into my own heart’s darkness and help me still what has been let out…, Bring me into You.., I can’t deal with this stuff.. But I know that You will deliver and Free me ultimately.., I love You.. Godspeed

Accepting God’s authority – Confessions

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I have realized that recently I have had some trouble accepting the authority and the finality of scripture. I would like for some flexibility and a little less responsibility at times, and not feel threatened by Eternal Hell-fire and the passage of time.. There are so many consequences and dangers if one disobeys scripture, that the jolly, care for nothing life of old doesn’t have the power to exist anymore in our current lives and feels more like a terrible atrocity when chosen.

As faith begins in one’s life, He finds Himself touched, changed and led on a journey of choices…, but then the doubts begin… they might be something as small as why is this sin wrong in God’s eyes..? Or something as big as why does the Lord allow natural disasters..? Famines..? Earthquakes..? Poverty..? And the answers are not exactly useful and faith building…, the knee jerk answers seem to only lead to more bigger and more complex questions.., Fears enter in, disbelief settles in, faith loses it’s child like willingness…, It becomes intellectual, searching, doubting…, God appears, powerless, uninterested and unsettling.., He appears too perfect, fearsome, demanding, scary and frightening.., We are all doomed we think.. Hell seems like a much easier choice…, atleast the demands, the standards and the criteria are not so high…, We fall into imprisoning disbeliefs, former habits, lethargic irritations, hopeless and joyless religiosities.

Like I said, the consequences and the effects of even a tiny moment of rest and relaxation brings way too many painful obstacles, It is only some time before I can completely give up in disillusion and panic in a passive manner…, thinking that everything is lost.., I place too much Authority on myself.., I believe that all my hunches, instincts, reasonings and intuitions are correct…I find the demands of righteousness too exacting, and I find constant disillusion when things don’t go my way…. and when it does I find myself helplessly being sucked into the depths of disbelief and atheistic hopelessness…, Faith seems too weak when it encounters the sheer viciousness of my inner world and her mangled, powerfully and associatively created contents…, Faith seems too weak to break away addictions that have lived on for years in my heart and in my soul even after I have encountered the gracious freedom in Christ… and Faith seems impossible when we stare at the faithless, godless elemental nature of reality…, existing without meaning or purpose and is one big void and emptiness despite appearances to the contrary… We all would love to give up.., and most of us do.., I hear about so many of my former friends, seniors, colleagues, classmates and role models losing their faith and falling down… I don’t blame them…, Faith is a Cross…, an act of complete spiritual immersion.., a balancing.., a lifestyle… where reality is accepted and changed through Faith’s presence…, Faith means that we will be attacked by the World’s thoughts, by our own and by people of all kinds.. we will be attacked by evil spiritual energies that can creep insidiously into our thoughts, who have studied our weaknesses from birth and whose only joy is in damaging, destroying and wrecking our lives.

We are fighting off many enemies dear friends in Christ.., Friend.., your life is under constant scrutiny and attack which you will never realize if you are being led by worldly thinking which only makes sense of the world. I have learned that I have to learn to turn to God no matter how the situation appears like.. I don’t do a great job at it myself.. but I have learned that that is the only way…I try to battle my pride and my discouragement and reach out for Him whose touch can save me, I have learned that even if I am consumed by the ugliness of the shame that comes when I have broken and abused the Lord’s grace a million times and one.., God still not only wants and loves me.. He has been waiting for me…, He has been fighting for me… He will help me out of my addictions.., He will cure me of my desire to crave a substance that is often seen as a door to immediate pleasure, happiness and feeling alive…, Yes all addiction creating substances provide immediate thrills and kicks, but they can also damage and corrupt our character and bring immense trouble into our lives. We just need to lean, trust and learn to admit our weaknesses when it comes to following Christ… We are provided with mighty weapons to tear down the strongholds of the enemy who was defeated at the Cross.. Friend, if you are in a corner and being hounded and tormented by the enemy… Let me introduce you to my Savior..Jesus.. , He can save you from whatever hopeless situation that you are stuck up in, He is mighty to save, lift and restore what has been lost, misused, misunderstood and broken.We are living amidst an incredibly dull, selfish and fearful world.. we are a minority gloriously redeemed by God’s incredible love … and now we are here to express that same warmth to the world. Glow on Mighty Warrior of God.
God bless

Useless infatuations – A Short Story( Imaginary)

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I stared at the TV screen.

I am not falling for her again.., She is taken.. She is taken…!!

Plus He is perfect and they are like totally into each other.. and plus it’s a sin..,It must be… I don’t trust myself.. I’ve done this way too often.. Isn’t this supposed to be along the lines of Adultery..? Technically Adultery is an exchange of bodily fluids or a wish for such an experience… Even thinking about it made it wrong.., Grrr, Although this is similar.., this is more along the lines of longing for someone and being blind to everything else.

Couldn’t I just keep this personal feeling all to myself..? And let it either die inside or subside when it wants to..? I am done battling this for a year now…, I am supposed to be more grounded, realistic and mature now… Help me Lord… Err Lord… Where are you..? I’m having a mini breakdown..! Help!!

The guy at the counter was occupied in the world of delivery calls, his own personal spirit partaking in all of the continual rush of demands, he was absorbed terrifically in his own mundane existence, his face was putting up a facial counter that displayed the varied streams of his conflicting emotions and turbulent feelings. I felt a little bit self conscious, I was being taken in.. I had to put on a show to establish my presence…or something of that nature… I didn’t have any decent clothes in my Dad’s apartment…, None of my favorites anyway.. None of my rugged, loose jeans or the unbearably striped, half cut, half sleeved shirts that accentuated my presence in a way that was socially acceptable… I only had clothing paraphernalia related to basketball… a couple of Nike sweat shirts, Loads of shorts and jerseys of my basketball heroes was all that I had…, Luckily I had one of my old t shirts… I threw that on me and had revved up my malnourished bike in order to reach Domino’s .. I wanted some pizza.. Sure I was from a middle class family that dangled between the socially conscious echelons of upper society and the meddling, vicious gripping middle class and her disturbias, I was whoever I wished to be.., I was not doing this for the hip, acceptance of mainstream City folks… I wanted Pizzas, and not because they were made in Italy and baked with an assortment of fine spices… I am a food junkie, I love, enjoy and devour Food.., I was going to marry a fabulous cook one day mark my words, I was going to propose to her over Bruno Mars ‘Marry You’…, and then teach her to dougie, and live happily ever after over hot, spicy Indian food.

Domino’s charged an obscene sum for taste, an average meal would cost me anywhere between 50-60 bucks, but now I had to shell out ten times that amount for what they convinced me was normal… Corporate Thieves .., I hated how brands were so expensive and cocky about it too.. Like you couldn’t ask anything back from them…, The customer was a clueless participant in a bossy game of manipulation and deception…Anyway to more earthly matters… The skies were cloudy… It had rained for hours, and ruined all of my chances of playing basketball… I hate it when that happens.. I just had a day of play left now…, and then I would be sucked into the world of adulthood and it’s irritating, impersonal demands… I gritted my teeth.. I could not exactly do anything about it, I just had to accept it as something that I can’t change for the here and now, and pretend that it does not hurt. Passion is such a curse sometimes.

It had been a few years since I had worn my Green T shirt, it stretched against my 28 year old body, becoming tinier against my body frame… I looked like a philosophical thug.. At least that’s what I thought or would like to assume… I always wander around in my head with favorite labels that I enjoy and put on, choosing from one like choosing from vinyl records..,and occupying one whenever I encountered the people of the world’s surface, chiefly because I was both an occupant and a rebel of the human existence plan, while I was going to be here.. I was going to do things my way… I have many personality sub cultures within, they are all as varied as my fine tastes…. The Weeping, Alienated Artist who viewed emotional dysfunction as the source of artistic inspiration,…. The Melancholic Philosopher who used scenes from windows and street sidewalks to create hymns and ballads of the undermined human spirit,…. The Hurt and Lonely Poet who still dwelt on heartbreaks from the age of 22 onwards, The Obscure Loner who felt the sheer cry of his immortal soul as it lived beneath the cosmic universe and amidst billions of blind souls ,The Tiger metaphor from Jorge Luis Borges’ Poem- I have a tiger inside of me, The Master of Shadows in a world of gleaming lights, The Colorful Wallflower who gleaned important clues during conversations for his own personal social commentary and sermons, The Sinful Saint who was locked in a deadly battle between the great heights of Heaven and the dismal depths of Hell, The Warm selfless disciple of Christ who enjoyed the company of simpletons and non believers.., The talkative, and compassionate friend of Humanity and her unbearable woes, The Dark Knight whose mission was to protect and serve, The Unknown Hero who was willing to risk his life for strangers, The Fierce Warrior who refused to give up on his dreams, his visions and his freedom, The Meditative Fighter who accepted his mortality and it’s serious limitations, An Eagle that soared in the highest heavens and gathered power to live the Christian life, A black panther running across tree limbs in a magical forest of mazes and labyrinths, the Ever Awakened Writer who had to write in order to feel sane , The Eternal Thinker discovering clues in the wide spectacle of life to the important truths that offer pure refreshment and joy to the human spirit, The Christly Dreamer who held and hosted conversations all the time with characters from my own life …, I needed characters when I encountered people.. Or else I would lack the clarity and the emotional disposition necessary for people and their engrained, conditioned ideas of what normal is all about,…. Or else I would feel left out… in all sorts and varieties of intensities, I was too deep.. The only world that made sense to me was my own.. But I have a calling higher than my own comforts, my own thoughts of pleasure and greater than my own personal greatness.

I was too spiritual about life, I probed beneath everything, breaking away the structure…and discovering what is truly important..I enjoyed the world below. The World of personal feelings, thoughts, ideas, stories.. The Symbolic world of the Abstract, the deep connection that we have to events, messages and Godly things…, I have asked God many times…, Help me hear people’s thoughts.., I want to be You without the Powers.. Yeah, “the motive behind each intention behind the inception” type… I guess I don’t realize the seriousness of what I am asking for… I can’t bear the teeny weeny evil in my corner of the world without being upset, broken and destroyed for days… I am too intense that I am like a walking self destructive nuclear bomb.

There is something deeper about this life, I can’t deal with reality’s insomnia, . Masks, Facades, Lies and Performances did not inspire me, I needed Christ to survive all this terrific, meaningless mess of an existence.. He is like a drug… even though I do a terrifically pathetic job of following Him and being like Him in my life…, I am just a rectified ex addict of the world and her glories.

I was nursing a dying infatuation, I was actively trying to get it out of my system.., I can’t deal with such complications now.. I am 28.., I am not that young, impulsive wild child that I was once upon a time…I am a semi preacher slash Shepherd, preaching on television.., And a decoder of what Faith means to us as a people.., How could I feel such an intensity for someone who was seriously a thousand miles away from me and had no desire or attraction towards me…? Didn’t she have somebody in her life already…? That automatically increased the guilt just a little bit…Wasn’t attraction supposed to be mutual..? I had spoken to the Lord about it.., I had been praying for a life partner for quite a while now … Well Sort of.. . My prayers for healing, families and the divine stilling of clouds and their attraction to geographical locations that I find myself in are powerful, strong.. without any room for doubt.. Bring talk about my future marital situation and I am left with doubts and contemplation.. Marriage is overrated in my opinion, and also the only way to have a meaningful relationship with another person.., I wonder if I even want marriage..! 95 percent of my classmates have fallen down, I am one of the few who has braved past the age of 27… the past two years of singleness were trying as I attempted to find or rather still down my haphazard romantic energies down and shift my focus on things that really mattered, like Evangelism, Servant-hood, Submission to the Lord, Service, Mentoring and Apologetics…, I long wonder how I had not fallen into some serious, awkward and one sided infatuation yet.., Wala my prayers or rather my own self proclaimed prophecies became fulfilled.., For two strong years, I bypassed silly romantic thoughts.., Dismissing them with ease.., I had enough scars from either a direct rejection or an indirect rejection to last a lifetime.., I didn’t want more Drama.., ‘I would like to find somebody trouble free now’ I thought to myself…. And then she came back.., halting all of my moral powers and stripping me of my strength, casually demolishing every bit of my defenses and resilience in the subject matter. I was a counselor who warned kids of the dangers of falling for the girl who was never into you for crying out loud.., and I am left in a situation where I am afraid to try for fear of moral failure, and afraid to give up in case there is some semblance of a chance . Kudos to you Lucifer, you know how to find the chinks in my armor don’t ya..?

I put in a word to my Heavenly Father every now and then.., wondering if I even wanted what I was asking for.., I mean the Judgment of the World is pretty close..,… Plagues.. Famines.. Earthquakes.. Groanings and the preparation of the world to come…, The Apocalypse could arrive any second now… , A one world government..? Military rule..? The Antichrist ..? The Second coming of Christ could happen anytime soon.., What about Persecution in India, it’s getting pretty intense right..? What if I were to die a Martyr for the sake of Christ..? What if I chose to remain celibate as an act of complete submission..? I’m seriously wondering if I want to get married just because I know I will do something pretty stupid and damaging if given a chance, despite my spiritual calling, platform and blessings… Once a fool, always a fool..! I have lived in holy fear for the past two years, choosing to live as a spiritual monk… free of the desires that pollute and conquer.

“But like Lord, I was strong for so long right..? I mean I honored you with my thoughts, I stayed true to you.. I overcame so many situations of lustfulness, attraction, temptations, possibilities.. I tried my best to be true to You.. You know that I have.. but this silly one sided infatuation is so stressful for me right now Father.. I mean can’t you please just kill it..? I know that Pain is the price for feeling love, but like you stilled Tsunami sized waves in the middle of an ocean by just a show of Your hands..Please stop this madness within me Lord.., I have not even settled yet.., I mean I am serving You now and stuff… Full time and all.. I’d really like no distractions.. You know how many times I’ve been hurt before.., Please..Stop giving me such a hard time on this issue alone.” I begged inwardly, I thought that I was over this. Please don’t teach me any lessons using this person alone, especially her… Maybe I have developed, intense unhealthy feelings that could be called.. Dare I say it..Love..???!!

After the marriage of two of my major crushes who I hoped were going to be my special someone for life.. i.e., atleast one of them was… I guess it’s time I developed feelings for somebody so that I would not feel so wrecked and ruined whenever somebody that I was once interested in goes AWOL, or taken mysteriously out of the count of this planet’s population…. Kari Jobe married someone with a guitar who proposed near a beach.., I mean seriously.. Come on, give me a break here…, I want a little happy ending or beginning here too..Ya know..?

I had been alone for too long this week…, I didn’t feel that connected to the normal rhythms and conversational cues of everyday folk, the laptop had been a friend…, as had been the concrete playgrounds where the ball hit the floor.., My city friends were a controlled mess.. , they were just either cerebral or too power hungry, and mechanically in a place where it felt normal.., My week is about to run out.., I had to wake up tomorrow and meet with a friend, and then snap some pics in order to fill up my Instagram, and remember each and every part of the city as I sat in my desk and dreamt of my freedom and my bookstore that I was going to open in a few months.

I just needed to calm the fink right now.., I needed a desperate line… I needed to engage the Skinny, determined counter guy who could not have been more than 24 years old, in a way that was suitable to my tastes… He appeared strained, sad about working late into the night.., hurt by the pushy, loud and demanding bunch a few tables away… perhaps he wanted the restaurant alone..? It must have been a pretty long day.., Now what is delivery banter all about….?

I needed a character or else the life of that place, the life of it’s contents, the emotions of it’s inhabitants would occupy me…and become alive, I again began to think of her.. She seems to free me of all social awkwardness… I enjoy the imaginary conversation that I don’t have the courage to have in real life, and which can never happen since because things are never how they appear to be.., I wonder if I am making a mistake by even talking to her in my heart.., I wonder if there are specific laws in the Bible for the heart.., only one harsh verse comes up to greet me… ‘The heart is desperately wicked…, for out of it flows forth all evil deeds…’, I don’t have the ability to accept it’s truth, I wonder if it applies to my context. Maybe it does, opening up to the necessary efforts to clean up sin has never been my strongest suit.. but I got to do it, I don’t want to be caught up in some imaginary web of expended emotions, unrealistic expectations and silly imaginations that led nowhere.

Taking in the melting yellowish flowing, liquilicious floors I tried to still my preparation of the awaiting painfulness that would undoubtedly follow the death of a dream. With the endless efforts of lost hope replay what was not to be, and attempt an explanation even though none is possible.. Life goes by so fast, some get it and some don’t.. The cruelty between such worlds is limitless, I often wonder if the Lord sees the sensitive souls whose hearts are often full of deep fractures, twisted heart sprains, deep and sharp aches and open hurts..? Why do we as a human race long so desperately for love even though it often is full of what is already in our lives..?

I needed to spend sometime alone with the Lord… This was not right.., I mean I was a gentleman.., I may have made some ludicrous life decisions in the past, but I was guided by my feelings.., I did not have Godly intuition within me.., I was just a shy kid…! I was not going to jeopardize other people and their lives, I would rather allow it to die within me.., if I was capable of such heroic acts…, I am so frustrated… How can I develop such feelings for somebody that I’ve never ever met..? I gritted my teeth, I’ve pulled myself out of so many heartaches and rejections, I can do it again.., I say to myself.. But do I have to.., i’d like to become oblivious to the whole game for once.., I am not so keen anymore about putting my vulnerable self out there. I guess I trust the Lord to bring the right person at the right time, I just would love for it to be her.., but I am too wise to know the ways of the world.

I picked up my order after waiting for half an hour.., it was quite busy despite the time of night.., I stared into the wet roads with muddy trails and the hurrying vehicular marvels shooting past me like fallen stars, how splendidly magnificent was the outer world..? Why did I have to search for meaning within murky, emotional depths that offered nothing but pain and turmoil..? Why did I have such a predisposition for gloom, darkness, sadness and self sabotage..? I picked up my bike and kick started it, I was a star, a shining iridescent meteor full of brilliant sparks lighting up the gloomy, darkness of Hell upon this earth..I will find my way out, my God was the God of wonders, infinite power and honor.., Forget my weaknesses, I glory in them…, for they help me see the glorious power of my Savior.

Becoming like Christ is an active process

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I am discovering often that just because you work in an evangelistically oriented situation.. it does not mean that there won’t be petty differences, invisible egoistic grudges, sharp irritations at other’s actions that just refuse to die away despite repeated struggles to do what is right…and an everyday disturbance at the heart of the collective mentality…, I can see a working of the dark side( our enemy) and our own dark side in such cases.. Balance, equilibrium, selflessness, finding the right way of working that unites us all despite our different styles and roles is something that requires an open mind, a willingness and a dedication to create, work at and bring something of Christ into the heart of an organization, and not be so caught up in legalistic mindsets that only find ways to pass the blame and never ever have the integrity and the courage to deal with our own problems which are as equally capable of causing the rifts, the separations and the lonely islands that are nothing but self resuscitating pools of bitterness.

Happily I find that the so called fellowship is more of a God created place where He brings us together and not the act of people, there was a time in my life when I heard such words being tossed around and it scared me since I was very keen on not attracting attention.., and I felt little to no relief and felt no sense of community in the places that I attended.., I understand now that the people there gravitated towards whatever made them feel significant.., I was wrongly assuming that Christ was the connecting factor.., it never was or it was sidetracked often.., I have a few negative memories and it wouldn’t be fair to generalize every effort and ministry to such a place.., but the focus is constantly being diverted, the cause constantly changed, and the presence and the visibility of the individuals involved constantly held to a place where Christ deserves the Chair…, I find it strange, understandable and relatable.., God is often lost in the details of our lives.. We lose him when we fear what we have always feared would happen, We lose Him when we doubt His existence, when we find prayers unanswered and find outward circumstances test our limits and patience… We are in a risky place when we assume that we are doing is right in our own eyes.., In many instances in the Old Testament, the Israelite’s fell into captivity, by committing serious national and personal sins when they disobeyed the Lord as a unit, especially when the Lord warned them of engaging in them since He knew that He wanted His people to enjoy Him and Him alone, and not become trapped in things that would destroy them inwardly and outwardly. The trouble that they brought upon themselves on account of such crimes is something that we all can learn from, the years of wandering, the continual wars, the bloodshed, the homelessness, the captivity, the cruel bondage and labor, the slavery under tyrants, dictators and zealots…. the feeling of hopelessness, atheistic bitterness and anguish was so severe that God sent them prophets to help the people understand the causes and to offer a source of reconciliation and redemption.

Fellowship I have discovered is an act of longing.. a longing to experience God through a group, to do His will as a group.., and to not spend so much time focusing on human errors, individual faults and inabilities since we all possess them in some form or degree that we are either blinded to or in denial of.., It is a place of growth, self discovery in Christ and joy… Much like a Church…, Ministerial activities need clarity, disposition and a servant like willingness… and it is seldom the work of so called righteous believers who are blissfully unaware of their effects on other people, no man can take the place of God… Hallelujah…it is a place where we can just give up all our pretenses, our inabilities, our indifference’s and just lay it at the feet of the only one who is able to reconcile us all in our hearts, our minds and chiefly in our spirits. I am incredibly happy in the knowledge that though we are called to take the actions, to bring the people, to be mindful of glorifying the Lord..He loves each one tenderly and unconditionally and is amongst us whenever we put aside what we feel separates us from each other, and helps us through our efforts to bring His heart deeper into our collective fiber and do a better job at representing Him in our lives, and among others.

What we really need in this life

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Everybody seems to be interested in the external necessities of life.. The statuses, the relationships with attractive girls, the sophisticated modern luxuries – urban and suburban in nature, the cool hanging out spots that need social network likes and jealousy, the flaunting of material wealth, the flaunting of privileged living, the need to update parts of our lives that are independent, fun appearing and freedom preaching…, we are all similar in this regard, we need to feel validated and appreciated by our fellow men, we want to compete with them, provoke them and often let them see us for who we wish we can be or who we really can be or are in many cases.

It is like we have this innate desire to advertise our life – including myself , when all of us have normal, simple and very ordinary lives beneath it all. Despite the glamorization of our hobbies, our lives, our travel and our passions. Many constantly confuse this as the answers to the intrinsic needs of our spirit – We are indomitable, immortal spirits trapped in lifeless, immortal souls which are further trapped in alive and fleshly bodies.. The spirit can find no happiness and rest in this world, and in its people.. Only Jesus can bring life to our spirits that are dry, desperate and in an intense need for meaning and purpose… Friends The true needs of life are those that are inward, our needs cry out to us always.., we have just not learned to discern them… Wanting us to engage in something more stable, lasting, truthful and deeper than impulsive one night stands, stagnant casual relationships, crazed clubbing and alcoholic binges… Happiness is deeper when experienced with it’s creator, Christ made the claim that He was the very author of Life.. Imagine that..! Joy is more profound when it is offered after trials, or offered in exchange for something as feeble, uninspiring and dull as our prayers…God has a strange way of replying to our indignant demands, our weaknesses and unrefined, inarticulate prayers and attempts… He offers us a piece of Himself into our hearts.. What a generous, magnanimous Savior who takes away our own rot and filth and instead creates products that imitate Himself.. We are fooling ourselves if we believe that happiness can be found in the world.. Yes there is happiness.. but the world exacts a price on your soul for it’s claims to Happiness.. The World creates unhealthy addictions, unrealistic expectations, unhealthy ideas, selfish ambitions, success crazed lives that seldom stop in their craving for power, recognition and searching for the ultimate high…, emotional routes towards romance, sexual obsession, a need for attention, pride and arrogance… We are often the very creators of subtle social evils that we propagate without the heart of Christ… But dear friend, the truth that I have found is that it is better to lose everything that we have ever known and find the true meaning of Life, which is to Know Christ.. than to spend all our time, our resources, our lives in pursuit of that which takes us from our poverty, our social and financial poverty but is of no use in the grand scheme of things… Know Christ dear friends.. Seek Him Zealously.. He is a great lover of passion and zeal, He loves all those who take the minimal effort of seeking Him… Nobody on this planet seems interested in discovering God.. When He is unwittingly at the heart of it all, one day you will stand before Him, and in the words of Pastor Rick Warren, you are not going to be asked about your amazing success stories, or that awesome bungee jump in Indonesia, or the massive list of sexual conquests, or that amazing office room that you were given when you were promoted.., God does care about how you use your talents.. but He wants to be the driving force dear friends.. otherwise talents are used very selfishly and do little to no good at impacting people and their lives.. On that terrifying day which I have always feared since the beginning.. I believe His list of questions might go this way..

He is going to ask us if we made the world better..? Did we love people..? Did we ever take the time to find Christ who is the very quest of all Human life..? Did we love those who are different from us..? Did we feed the poor..? Did we provide to our children who were rebellious, arrogant and demanding..? Did we pray for our beloved ..? Did we speak about the incredible treasures and riches of God and did we even share Him with our closest friends and brothers..? Was all that we were concerned about in this life ourselves..? Did we do anything to change our own selfishness..? Were we there for others..? These lists and question types scare me too… Since I can be very selfish with my energy, my time and my life.., but they give me purpose and a vision of how my life should be driven and what matters the most… Which is very contradictory to what the world preaches and extols.. and that is why I suggest that each of you find and seek Christ as though your life depends on it because it really does…!

Debating God – a short article

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I spend a lot of time debating, testing and trying to understand the Bible since implicit Obedience is not exactly my strongest suit.., and blindly following a doctrine is not my strongest suit either.. I question motives, intentions and agendas often.. I am skeptical about the dramatic, emotive and authoritative portions of scripture.. I try to understand them better, with clarity… I often wonder if what is written is true, authentic and factual. I often wonder if what is written expresses what everybody seems to think it expresses…, I am often hurt by what it expresses.. Since it bares open the nature of the flesh with it’s forceful impulsiveness and self destructive powers.., I find passages of the Bible commanding and authoritative and overpowering.., I find the punishments, the eternal consequences described terrifying and highly hard to digest… they hurt, wound and anger me.. I try to understand why.., the world does not seem to make a huge deal about sin.. I have often wondered why God does.., Hell always feels like too harsh a judgment to me.., I am not saying that what I am thinking is right, sound, correct or even wise.., I am just being brutally honest since I deeply care about God, about following Him even though I do a terrible job at it every single day.., I often hurt Him with my stupid, insensitive words.., like a child who blames his parents without ever realizing their value, their millions of sacrifices and their genuine, flawed and perfect love, I feel that I too am toeing a sensitive line when I am critical about faith…, but I am doing that on purpose, I still have doubts about faith, religion, dogmas, religious leaders…But I don’t doubt God… I have trouble understanding Him.. Everyday as a matter of fact.., I have trouble following Him and getting rid of personal, and outward sin.., I have trouble staying encouraged …, I have trouble being spiritual all the time when I have the very nemesis and enemy of faith within me.., I have a hard time counselling other people about the strange tragedies of life… but I know that God is right about everything.., I know that intuitively, intellectually, spiritually and absolutely.., I don’t have any trouble with Jesus, His teachings and His thoughts.. I can blindly follow them even if they are extreme, taxing and impossible.., God’s presence in Scripture makes it vital, pure and loving.. As a matter of fact, He makes the difference in scripture in my opinion….To be blunt, if it is said by God.. I enjoy the Bible…, otherwise it is a very difficult book to digest with all of its terrible punishments, sacrifices and wars. God makes the difference in that book to me.

It is by Him that I find my strength to follow the incredibly impossible demands of faith…, I know Him in my heart and in my life…And you get a sense of who people really are when you spend time with them and get to know them personally… The God I know in my heart has been nothing short of my rock even as I am slipping into what could’ve been the endless abysses of self destruction, Eternal torment and Agony…The God I know in my life has been understanding despite cruel deeds on my part when I begged for His forgiveness as I was assailed by the guilt and the pain of my deeds… I know the billions of times He offered a hand of Grace, mercy and understanding even though I am risking His wrath, His fury and His Patience by doing so… I know the millions of circumstances where a life threatening situation was in play, and I was offered a gracious way out without a scratch…, when hundreds to thousands everyday perish with the same odds against them…Without ever getting another chance.. It was Spurgeon who wrote that we are all hanging over eternal hell by a thread, and that thread is breaking second by second. Why does He have to be kind to me..? I don’t exactly have great credentials like so many wonderfully disciplined and obedient children, I am a mixture of a beautiful mess and a Saintly Sinner often times. But Why ME though..? Why be so kind to a useless wretch who still uses Grace to sin..?

My blessings in my heart and mind are His everyday providence, His faithfulness in my trials..His mere presence in my life.. I do ask for a few flashy gadgets every now and then, He is my Father after all.. I ask Him all kinds of spiritual things…, and I keep getting them all the time.. The delivery services are way ahead of Amazon and Flipkart and way better too.. The product has no expiry and the validity is out of this world.

I am trying to blur the lines between my thoughts and the thoughts of a million others, I feel that I am expressing a collective voice often when I write.., I only have trouble with the interpretations, the fallacies and the errors of human laws, intentions and motives. I begin to understand that God’s laws have incredible and loving motives for our emotional, personal and spiritual welfare.., Being narrow is often a great sign of emotional balance and health, being narrow in definition gives a great deal of clarity.., It takes away the hideous delusions offered by the crazed instincts of our minds and allows us comfort, peace and security… God’s laws helps us see our own lawlessness since this world was created by God, we can only assume that reaching Him, following Him and knowing Him needs His mechanics, perceptions and desires…, We are not exactly trapped… Since the Bible tells us that He is Life.. What a beautiful, infinitely empowering statement dear friends… To know that in God is Life.. means the world to me.., For I have been a great lover of life, for her experiences and all her highs.. I am addicted to life…but I must confess that I can’t still grasp her.. but I can grasp God since He offers Himself to me despite my cynical weaknesses, despite my bitter anger and venom and despite my foolishness…, God gives me the greatest courage, comfort and hope…. even more than I can muster…, which is another foolish comparison since I am His creation after all.., I am beginning to understand with a great deal of pain( mostly because I hate being wrong) that following God is about becoming willing, all my questions of the Bible.., my sharp scrutiny and investigation are often tools that stem from being robbed of my own independence, my reactions to the bloodshed are often doubts that doubt His motives, my doubts regarding verses of correctness, righteousness and Holiness are limited in their perspective since I am often wondering if there can be another way to be Holy.. But as always God’s ways are narrow in nature since they prevent misunderstanding, deceptions and deep seated confusions. Yes there are genuine intellectual doubts, genuine historical doubts, genuine spiritual doubts.. but I understand that I need to have Patience, chiefly with God and then with myself.., He is more complex , just, correct and loving than I can ever imagine.., I just need to trust Him and seriously spend a lot of time with the Word( Which I often don’t) and try to understand it for what it is.

By Nature I find myself expressing Loyalty, Love, Devotion and Obession to my Father far better than Judgment, Obedience and Discipline.. I am a man of principles and ideals.. this naturally makes me more flexible, sincere and open minded whereas my dogmatic Christian brethren have a hard time connecting to people of other faiths and accepting them as they are… I have no trouble or only mild trouble in learning their heart, their lives and understanding why they find it so hard to accept the domineering views of Christianity… I guess that we can’t blame them either, they have not had the luxuries of a faith oriented life, even though that did no wonders for me … Human life is complex for us and can’t be understood in its vast, incomprehensible form(believe’ me i’ve tried), and that is exactly why we need a Creator, whose directions and guidelines are more knowledgeable than we will ever be about living in such a rapid world of incessant evil and decay. We need someone who knows the spiritual consequences of being led into traps where unseen forces of evil can create a ruckus and serious emotional and psychological damage in our lives, the laws are strict because they protect us…, God is strict because He wants us all for Himself.. in His way and in His directions… We don’t exactly have a manual on reaching Heaven written by our finest authors.. chiefly bcos they have no idea about how to get about it even if they pretend to. God can only guide us, or so I have discovered, I still have my doubts.. But I can see further than most people and see reasons, causes and effects quite well.. by the grace of God ie.., but still in humility I often go to Him after terrible discouragement.., Needing Him to comfort me and calm me down.. because nobody else Has His patience and love.. Nobody else can guide me with the truth and still correct me with not just kindness but with firmness…He is the only voice that I seem to trust even though I can’t exactly hear Him, but I’ve been with Him long enough to hear Him even if He is not there visibly.