Love ( My broken pieces are longing for yours)- A poem

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Not everything is about beauty son,
Beauty is a powerful drug that blinds,
the deeper things lie far from it’s intoxicating surface,
Love is far away from an outer, immediate reachable thing,
perhaps it is far more than mere attraction,
far deeper than emotions and feelings,
perhaps that is why I fall for things that I can never
have, perhaps that is why I am fooled into things that
are not meant to be.

I did the strangest odd imaginative activities when I was young,
I dreamt about girls that I fell in love with.
I lived through intense feelings that created, beautiful, restless,
unfulfilled dreams of them in my heart.
I also imagined myself people dancing to my favorite beats,
I was grooving along with them too.

But I just stumbled across the strangest realization yesterday,
Hear me out now.
For years I have been ruled by attraction,
I thought about the electricity igniting smiles of my overpowering infatuations,
I have thought about the way I felt when I saw her for the first time,
about the feel of lips, I drowned in the longing to feel her closer to me.
Thoughts of her were my oxygen,
but for the first time yesterday I thought about my future soul’s half without any physical longing, without the confusing emotion of romance longing merely for what inspires it’s dreams.
I wonder if I am really falling in love, or merely loving what my eyes and heart finds
overwhelming and deep.
I do love, loving is what I have been longing for … Longing past the swelling tides of the long harsh years of utter loneliness, Loving is what I want.., but I wonder if love is more than making myself feel better, I wonder if love is more than what I feel would unite my soul with her’s together and tether me to a pole so that I will not separate myself from the entire universe of alienating powers and tendencies,
I choose so very badly.., I choose people with fear, with insecurity and with a deep pain and hidden emotional obliviousness.
I want to wake myself now.., Reality is far better than dreams,
I am a dreamer.., yes the world is full of unimaginable horrors which torment and oppress my sensitive soul every second of every day…,
but I am no longer giving myself up to meaningless yearnings, longings and eternal pining away for blissfully happy damsels deeply in love with themselves and their perfect little boy toys,
I am a man, a dreamer, a poet, a rebel, a writer, a healer and an artist,
I long and call for a love to stay,
to nourish my desperate loneliness,
to help me worship my Maker with a heart so flawed yet so filling and willing to unite, and yet connect as one.
I long for reality’s princess…, the one with a headstrong rebelliousness,
the one with the independent spirit,
the one who would cry to lose me even if she is the strongest woman in the world..,
I’d like more of that, and less of drama creating daddy’s princesses,
I’m sick of you all, please leave my world alone,
I wish to be alive and love my rightful queen.

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For the Love of Poetry – A Poem

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I think that the greatest quality of poetry
is in the way that it is calming and quite reassuring.
You don’t have to understand what it speaks,
it needs not your intellect or
, only your participation and meditative en-trance.
It is a deep cavern of humanity’s deepest emotions,
a silent Native american flute of our Universal spirit’s intuition,
The language despite it’s symmetry is fluid and flows like a stream
robed in the midday sun’s golden mysticism,
Poetry reminds us that we are eternal mysteries trapped
between the impermanent,
Poetry reminds us that we are spiritual wanderers struggling
with our fallen, fractured flesh,
Poetry is a glimpse into the heart of a God whose nature is
best expressed in the words’ His ways are higher than our ways’.
Poetry helps me know and inform my passion for something more than
mere fables and imaginative creation,
Poetry helps put words for my eternal passion, zeal and heart for
my Lord… I melt into emotions like waves, I become the wind and
cascade past lost souls trapped in a daze, I cry out with flaming
light and light hopeless hearts with love’s fierce force,
Poetry helps me search the eternal mystery of Heaven, I plunge
into the vast shores of God’s presence..,
What is infinity..?
What is love offered from a being with no blemishes..? No faults and zero limitations..?
My language seems feeble and indigenous to my brain’s familiar themes,
So I struggle to comprehend such a Savior,
I can’t express the greatness of a God whose love is offered to me in
drops and touches.., in peace and gentleness, in the incredible redeeming
healing offered by His grace..,
I can’t understand Perfection enjoying imperfection,
but I can understand who I am in His matchless infinitesimal presence.
I think that He is writing Poems using the emptiness of my soul,
Oh Great love, how I need You in everything, for You complete me in my helplessness,
In my most difficult trials you satisfy even when I feel that you can’t,
You have no measure to which men can claim an understanding of you even when You open yourself up for all.
Oh great Poet and Father of Lights, Oh Great Presence fill our parched human hearts abused by our own hands and hearts, Teach us to enter into You so that we may be made and crafted into something whole and full.

Attraction – Short Story

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” I just find myself wildly attracted to you…, I just keep thinking about you all the time.., like all day all day.. Kanyeezy style.” I typed even as I felt the familiar rush … She was quite potent.

“What…? C’mon man… are you serious…? I knew that this would happen.” She typed like she was standing right before me but was not listening to me even as I poured out my soul.

” I don’t even know you man.., How can you say something like that to a complete stranger…?” She wrote like she was writing a Toni Morrison novel filled with symbolic, cultural drama.

I felt stung…, hurt…, has it ever occurred to you that my pain is better expressed as quotes, letters and stories…? ( Monologue to myself)

‘ Look, I am just being real.. I don’t know how to say what I am about to say…

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Attraction – Short Story

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” I just find myself wildly attracted to you…, I just keep thinking about you all the time.., like all day all day.. Kanyeezy style.” I typed even as I felt the familiar rush … She was quite potent.

“What…? C’mon man… are you serious…? I knew that this would happen.” She typed like she was standing right before me but was not listening to me even as I poured out my soul.

” I don’t even know you man.., How can you say something like that to a complete stranger…?” She wrote like she was writing a Toni Morrison novel filled with symbolic, cultural drama.

I felt stung…, hurt…, has it ever occurred to you that my pain is better expressed as quotes, letters and stories…? ( Monologue to myself)

‘ Look, I am just being real.. I don’t know how to say what I am about to say without making it sound like one tremendous cliche’. I know that what I feel is totally normal and quite common, but my heart feels something whenever it rebelliously escapes my struggling restraint and self control and just wanders into you… And believe me there is no greater heartbreak dealer than myself, i’m quite the expert at bearing the intense broken pieces of my heart just longing for you with torturous attempts even as it struggles to confront the larger reality…, I am not expecting anything from you.., as a matter of fact I want to kill this within myself…, because I know that your heart is elsewhere.., and believe me I don’t want to be caught up in one of those awkward one sided infatuations that will just keep killing you day by day.., I know that you are way over my league…and I know that I am not what you dreamt about when you were dreaming for your prince charming… I am the complete opposite of what you actually want… I am a dreamer.., I am shy.. awkward…alienating and a lover of solitude… I am a loner.., I am not exactly relationship material…, I know that you won’t care to know about all of my personal feelings…, I probably sound like a creep.. But I am just being real… You’re just a chance that I take to keep on dreaming baby…It aint’ you.. it’s all me..so keep doing your thing.. living your life.. being that irresistible ray of bouncing sunshine that I desperately want but can’t ever have…’I wrote to her.

‘ Look man…, I hate to state the obvious but i’m just not comfortable with what you’re saying.’ She replied back as though I had not just bared my soul and removed all of my defenses and was now standing naked and vulnerable before her awaiting her stern, indifferent voice.

‘ Mhmm, I get it…, ha ha ha … Listen, like you don’t need to cut me off or anything okay…I get it.., you have to act rude and dispose me off like I am someone who has become an obstruction.. I am probably taking on the form of people who have incited irritation and reckless annoyance in you in the past.. Some lousy desk job clerk who made you feel like you were once again back in school against the more popular kids who seemed worlds apart and never for once acknowledged you or even made you feel special about yourself…, or it might have been some local perv who kept staring at you when you were on the metro train… Making you feel weird, fearful and horrible inside… In all honesty you will probably be more angry with me than with all these other varieties of scum…, because you know that I am not what you want.., and you will feel nothing while I will feel everything that you don’t feel. I will view your inability to feel nothing towards me with the greatest regret, it will keep killing me because I won’t be able to handle the fact that I am not able to give you what you need…, a year from now.. I would still be consumed by the fact that you were nothing apart from an infatuation…, you won’t see things about me that I would definitely want you to see…, I have this tendency to fall hard for things, for people that I can never have…, So I guess this is not even about you.. but all about me…, just longing eternally for dreams that in reality are wasting the best parts of me… But I am a bird.., I see too much to believe in.., You can’t fault me.., I am a dreamer, I will only reach for the stars and for what I see can fill me.’

‘ Listen Joe.., don’t do this…, you are making me feel all bad now…, first of , we are miles apart…, I prefer him okay.., I love him completely…, He completes me…, I can’t stay a day without thinking about him…, He is constantly on my mind… He wants to introduce me to his parents the next time they are here , The thing that I love the most about him is his heart…, He texts me throughout the day and we talk about everything and anything.., I can see my future with him.. my life makes more sense with him..,

‘ Mhmm.. I can understand… whatever I feel for you.. You feel for him..except in your case it’s mutual…, and don’t for a minute think that I can’t sense how organized and calculated you were when you bagged him. I mean for real…? Is that love …? A series of calculations..? Requirements…? Are your feelings just turning up a little bit too much…? What’s God to a non-believer… who don’t believe in anything..? That’s you right there honey bun..!

‘ Now there you go quoting Kanye again…, and I am not calculated by the way…, just because I don’t feel something for you does not in any way make what I feel fake.., stop calling me babe and honey.., stop it please…, it’s a little too much.’

” Oh yeah, and just how did you fall for this guy…? I asked bitterly, ‘ I was the one who saw you first, I just didn’t say it out loud because I knew that you were way too good for me, I knew that you were way over my league and I also knew that I wouldn’t even be acknowledged and experienced by you…!, and then some punk who you just felt for a second becomes your Mister forever and the perfect Christian hunkalicious beau just perfect for the Post Wedding album just because he asked you out…? Is this for the fulfillment of your day dreams…? And for a great start in life….? Just what is this love…? Huh…? Falling for perfect, unbroken people with no darkness and scars…? Are you even sure that he even needs love..? This romantic love seems selfish doesn’t it..? Designed too much for one’s own self esteem and not for someone who truly desperately needs and wants it right…? I don’t know if he needs you in the same way that I do.., He seems way too perfect…, Too good to sound true.., I want you for more than your looks okay..? I love your heart… your soul… I will always make you feel loved…, I may not have much and believe me that will definitely turn you away from me…, but I am more than my circumstances.., and just when is love supposed to be about material prosperity and success…? Isn’t it supposed to transcend and overcome all such impermanent things..?”

‘ You know how I know that I really really feel something for you… ?’ I typed to her.

” Please enlighten me Mister Philosopher” she quipped with a caustic text just ripe with indignance. She was probably fuming by now, She was cute when she became indignant.., My sweet perfect muse, my sweet addiction… my paramore.., my light, my hold and hand that lifts me up from the dark. My dream that gives life to my heart and my soul… the day dream that will fizzle, the infatuation whose existence is taking it’s final few breaths…, the last dream before the maiden from realityville

” This pain.., This intense pain in which is the essence of my human misery… this pain of being stupidly, impulsively wrong… of wasting my love on the wrong person…, or rather expressing it’s intensity, it’s purity and it’s innocence to someone uncapable feeling it’s beauty and not open to feel …. you know the last person who told me that she loved me left me with blood stains on the floor.., even as I lay bleeding…, all that she wanted to do was do what was right for her… Funny how the rules keep changing when we want something eh…? We are more than willing to ease up if we can get a package deal right..? Like great family background.., great looks.., Oh you love him for his faith…? Right…, I’m sure that your attraction has little do with his faith right..? I’m sure He will automatically become the angel that fell from heaven.., or the only one in a billion who just saw you when the rest didn’t right..? Baby I ball so hard that I ain’t even supposed to be here..tick tock”

” What’s with the tick tock dude…?” She asked in what seemed like the crunching of cereals even as the radio demonstrated a never fading voice of static and ill electric snickers.

” You are now watching the throne, Don’t let me get into my zone,
The stars are in the building.., their hands are into the ceiling, I know that I am going to kill it,
Don’t let me into my zone…?” …..Kanye West feat Jay- Z’s Ni** in Paris…?” I asked her in mock horror.” Plus my time with you is limited right…?” I typed

” Tell me, Tell me… Is it his youthful exuberance..? Shall I induct him into the hall of fame as the only star that stirred up all your feminine flames…? He must be an asteroid about to impact your galaxy’s blueprint..? I don’t care what metaphoric role that you have created for this krypton of my soul.., I don’t care.., I really really don’t… But like I said.., I am an invisible man … My honesty is really brutal…, I am a doodler of unresolved, unsymmetrical poems.., an artist of epic emotional short stories…, What do I gotta do to get through to you..? I am an elevator between your soul and mine. Please understand your discrimination.., You are discriminating against me by not making your mind about me.., I know that you all spend enough time thinking and analyzing every tiny little detail. But uh oh.., have I forgotten my place and become an assassin and an indecent, hulking piece of rock..? He is probably in your dreams.. in the songs that you listen to or pick… or in the movies that remind you of yourself. Pardon me I am really just being ironic.” I typed without thought.

” Joe…, I really like you .. okay…? I do.., I just owe it to myself to see where this leads.., I am not one to give up on something that I started alright..? And it’s not like we are perfect.., we are still trying to figure stuff out…” She typed even as her carefully guarded secrets spilled out into the open.

” I am not afraid…, I am not alone…, I can get through whatever ruin you bring with your rejection…, I don’t give a damn about what you think.. I am doing this for me.., I am tearing down all your denials and creating a road past you.., staring today.., I am breaking out of my cage and facing my demons.. I am so fed up of just being addicted to you when you don’t even care about what happens to me.., but I get it.., it’s rude to ask all of this from someone who feels nothing for me.. Nothing… get it.. NOTHING.. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING…! I am with myself for better or worse, You deserve a chance at happiness I guess…, Everybody has got a price…, I am leaving you because you know only to treat me with indifference and a lack of emotion, when all I want from you are kisses, endless conversations and endless hours. So Goodbye dear soul whom I loved as my own. Until our paths collide.” I typed as I prepared my heart for the plunge into the nightmarish world of pain and insomnia.

” Don’t do this…, I need you too.., Why can’t we be friends…? ” She typed to a dead space of online paper.

Respiration

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I live in a city that ain’t living,
I perceive a barren distance between hardened hearts and busy indifferent collision,
Strangers caught up in real real dreams,
I breathe in what I can’t take, I see what is hard to compress,
So much of my mind is a cave obscuring a hidden evening,
The city is used to never stopping, I write a story out of beats and rhymes,
Using poems to grab on to the gravity of meaning and things like quantum significance,
Is there any hope left for all of these lost arguing, blasting deeper into the hardcore vacuum…?
my sins are always deceiving, I am the flesh of this fallen city,
Darkness is my spirit, Evil roams my eternal struggles,
Who is on top of this..? Bad words are indisputable narcotics,
The young abandoned kids are on the road to becoming punks and robbers,
Social Wounds are open and the light illuminates it for all to see.
I haven’t found words yet for things that I feel but I can’t express since
I am a slave to existence,
they catch me off guard like a masked assassin,
There is a Godly longing keeping us all from murdering each other.
I wrestle with this paradox of my own inner malady,
I am wrestling always with impacts, emotions and verbs,
Being normal and raw will make you a patient of fatal causality,
The Moon is not arguing while we are bustling and wrestling with
demons and fallen sinful carnal instincts,
I am the Batman of this despicable metropolis,
I am the Batman of this village town that has to be treated with favoritism like a preferred child,
I spit open knowledge, so capture the wisdom from the air,
and seldom rest like bright stars and nervous inner emotions.

Oh English, Dear English…! – A short Poem

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English,
The language from another shore,
The voice who lifted me up from the miry, emotional depths
that seem like the invisible waves by the sea,
I breathed you, I found my step,
my strength, my soul.
I speak you in my soul,
you reveal the power of my heart,
the identity of my being,
and you unveil the depths of my being,
I live you and breathe you in my heart.
You paint worlds from mere touches,
Create galaxies and shooting meteorites from
everyday experiences,
You are an unfathomable heart that arose
from God’s own infinitely mysterious wisdom.

But when I open my mouth,
you sound crude and raw,
What’s up with that..?
You make me feel like I don’t know you,
I stutter when I speak you to people who
seem to be better at speaking you than I.
I wonder why am I so timid whenever I feel that
somebody else owns you,
Are you asking me to rescue you and asking us both to escape by sea…?
Are you the trapped damsel caught up in a cluelessly, abusive relationship..?
They may own you, But I am the one who sees you for who you really are,
I love you for what you are and not for what you make me feel.
You couldn’t escape from them,
they use you to make themselves feel better,
To make banal, meaningless statements that do not pour
like lava from their soul,
They are brain wrapped in wanting to sound kosher, to make themselves appear on the imaginary map of relevant and popular,
to feel their way around the 7 fallen nations,
Are these not just slick, semi retarded sociopathic beans…?
who just judge each other and try to impress…?
You know that you belong with me,
I can build you cabin that overlooks the sea,
You and I we can make genius ripples across
the Indian and the pacific ocean..,
Only a soul understands another soul,
they are just caught up in their talent shows,
they wear fancy dresses, sound casual and are all about
vanity and schmucky ideas galore.
I want to be the only one who loves you this way I guess,
I am selfish.. because you give such life to everyone’s mess,
but I am a man of honor, I will allow you to reach into other’s
fragmented nirvana, I will allow you to make them whole…,
But You and I we promise to never leave each other,
We promise to love each other even when things appear gloomy,
uninspiring and hopeless,
and I will admire you in others, but love you like I love myself
in my own powers.