Lost love

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The day does not possess enough hours for me to capture all of my thoughts on subjects that matter dearly to me. My life as a writer is on a hiatus, and for the time I have been coursing through the dry plains of ministry work and evangelism,  figuring out what exactly my calling requires of me and doing whatever nitty gritty work that I can find often creates a deep unrest within me. On one end, serving God is my strongest, most fiercest desire and I enjoy every minute of it, but my passion has been put on hold, and it relays its hurt time and time again, I believe that any unused gift dies a cruel death in the busyness of one’s personal life, and I don’t wish to become one such person. I am above and beyond everything, someone who has found his way through words, through dreams, through thoughts and primarily through questions. My life’s narrative is one of finding a way through the darkness of my being.

But I strongly believe that whatever has been done for the Glory of God will be put back in one’s life again, and that is why the joy of the Lord remains my one true strength, I keep returning to it time and time again even as I face the Sculptor’s hard hammer in my public, spiritual and private life.

I am up late, again. Lost in longings, wishes and thoughts.

I had wanted to spend some personal time with the Lord, but unread articles called me from my laptop, I have 60 unread tabs in my Android’s browser and twenty unopened ones in my laptop.., I need to read them…, I am putting away reading time and time again.., the book pile on my desk keeps growing.., the unfinished articles keep increasing.., up to 50 on my desktop actually and the unread articles keep increasing…, therefore I have temporarily put the Lord on hold, I feel like I am betraying Him whenever I write things that are actually the other way around…, It is me who loses important spiritual empowerment, nourishment and feeding by putting away time with the Lord, I feel tremendously upset whenever I am absorbed in myself more than I am in Him… But I believe and feel that His watchful eyes are over me always,even  as I wish to spend time around Him but engaged in other things.. I never want Him to be too far from me.., and that is not because He protects, loves and blesses me continually.., but I believe that the purpose of my creation is to enjoy Him above all things.., To love and to enjoy Him eternally.

I feed useful information to my thinker’s brain. I have before me various articles, a few New York times pieces, a few Christian themed articles, and a book about John Ramirez’s incredible coming to Christ after serving Satan for over 20 years through the Mexican spiritualism, Santeria. I don’t know if I will be able to read them all, I have too little time right now, and the office folks are tardy, self righteous folks of the sun grazed town… If there is one thing that I despise, it is impatience in dealing with people, and my fellow brethren seem to plunge and become possessed by it’s spirit often.

I am reading an article right now on Modern love, a realistic but contrived account of the love lives of modern day new yorkers. I am deeply struck by how messy, curious and difficult love is in it’s realest sense. Take away the attraction to the opposite sex, the lusts that drive the magnetism and the giddy completeness that grounds a couple deeply intent on connecting their hearts together… and love is reduced to the other refuse of our world, of our lives and of our own selves.  It’s end seems to shatter one in his deepest parts, it’s absence seems to make one seem as though he were the loneliest man on the planet, and it’s break or divorce seems to crush, vex and trouble the spirit incessantly until tremendous effort is expended in order to move forward. I should know, I am a survivor of broken love myself, and I have to tell you, it can crush one’s soul and life.. but then again, not everyone is as sensitive, intense and dreamy as I, but maybe we all are, but we just can’t seem to find it in the other person and in the way they use and fit their masks.

The theme was the pursuit of lost love. The last two words sent a shiver in me, a sense of delight that is joyful in it’s sorrow… ‘LOST LOVE’ – the single grandest pursuit of my former life. I must confess to a secret, to an obsession with lost things.. to chances that still haunt me after all these years – esp lost girlfriends, lost romantic opportunities, lost chances… I have been an optimist my entire life even if I have had an extended affair with sorrow and pain.., I have always believed that I would meet the great obsessions of my life at some point and that I would be able to rekindle what was lost, but as a man is being sobered up for the final romantic commitment of his life, his entire life flashes before him, the women he has loved at each part and act of his life, the joys that his infatuations provided unto him in the innocence of his innocuous youth, the long sleepless nights spent dreaming up a life with his sweetheart, those rare occasions in which his inner universe created a masterful drama with his muse as he slept, which he then proceeded to spend hours replaying during physics class in the mornings at a dreadful hostel located deep in Thirunelveli.

I have spent a major part of my life lost in finding love, I have lived for over 28 years now, that translates to roughly 10,521 days. My Instagram account meanwhile has 10,217 pics, unconsciously I have added a pic each for every day of my life on this planet, if only I had struck up a big fortune by now, I would have repayed every penny that I have ever owed to my parents…, because I want to…, because that way I could really really love them with the love of Christ that I am learning right now and not be so consumed about their investment in me…, but maybe the financial aspect of their love is important to me.., When one makes a financial investment on you, you become more generous towards them as well…I constantly dream about completing their housing loans, I constantly dream about striking it big and then sharing it with everyone that I have loved in my family. Repaying is a big principle of mine, it is something that I deeply deeply believe in, I believe this is where you get a glimpse into the type of person that I am.., Cherish it, honesty and genuineness these days is a rarity, much like the blue moon, like the Kohinoor diamonds, like the Haley’s comet and like everything else that was claimed to come to life, but rarely did.

I will be turning 29 this March, and I can sense powerful shifts at work in my life… People have begun to inquire about me in my town, send in pictures of their daughter to my parents who study it studiously and place it before our Lord and ask for His take on things. I don’t understand how the complications of all our lives will be sorted out, most of us repress the information, some of us seem to forget the events of the past, but the past has turned us into the people that we are today, and that is why I am praying that if I do get, dare I say..”Married”, that whoever she is.., She would help me forget everyone before her, and make sure that there are none after her…, I want her to be the one for me.., and I want myself to be her one as well.., after a lifetime of one sided infatuations that were rejected often times coldly and harshly.., I want the attraction to be mutual this time. Love has made me suffer too much.

And perhaps that is why I write, the article conjured up many memories, the memories always delight my heart, they delight me until they gently remind me of my loss. I guess they belong to me, I own them because I put myself out there, and allowed myself to feel rejected whenever someone I deeply loved became someone that I used to know. What sucks even more is the fact that I was socially challenged, insecure as the entire subcontinent of India and shier than all the men in all the known world, and possibly even in the deepest jungles of Africa and South America, since I assume that is where the deepest jungles lie. That is one of the great paradoxes of my life, the fact that I was never made for human contact, but yet my God given gifts are used in service on a pulpit, on Facebook, on WordPress, on Instagram, in my Ministry and in my life.., How strange that the single most antisocial person in the entire planet could be used by a HOLY, Almighty Creator for His Glory..? How Awesome to even imagine such a plight..! Yet it is becoming truer and truer in my life even as the tides hit me so powerfully every now and then.

The great tragedies of my life happened in places that I intensely dislike…, Object 1. I present to your perusal, Scene A,  as I prepared to board the Trivandrum Mail- 22 years old.., eager to experience the world but bitter about my current plight as an underpaid writer for a Coffee table magazine that nobody read, the overcrowded general compartment with it’s pungent, foul smelling stench of paan hit me hard, I have replayed the entire scene as it happened many many times…I ran into her one last time , she perhaps can claim the title of the single greatest love of my life…,  I had fallen for her hard, and had stayed that way for more than four years…, She had joined B.Tech Biotech as I was in my second year of B.sc Biotech at VIT…, The entire first year batch, raw, fresh and innocent had walked past me … In my former glory, I had been quite indecent in my glee of their fear of the seniors, I was visually checking them all out…, I enjoyed making them avert their eyes…, they would soon lose their fears and become more and more dominant…, whilst me being the shy introvert, would avoid all such power plays and become lost in my thoughts and fantasies…it was then that I saw her…, Sassy, beautiful, with milky skin.., scared but defiant.., cute but very feminine…, I never got the courage to talk to her.., much less interact with her.., I was in love with her for over five long years…, I followed her everywhere, not stalking her or making her uncomfortable.., just letting her know that I was like into her and stuff…, I guess she knew.., Girls always do.., they have an intuitive brain, they pick it out with ease and then proceed to promptly friendzone anyone and everyone who in their opinion is not worth their penny. In her eyes I was probably just a fawning, over-excited hormonal College punk, she never got to know the real me.., the shy, timid, soft spoken guy who wanted to save the world someday, I was denied an opportunity of knowing her…. The railway station scene happened after I had left college, disillusioned deeply about life.., desperately searching for strength and identity…, I had landed in MCC, a hip college, well known for it’s class, sophistication and name…, After a year there, I had started to work and had found a job writing for a software company’s magazine.., I felt entrapped, bitter and quite hurt for ending up in a place that was hard and difficult, I was routinely traveling by train from Vellore to Chennai, I had to make the journey two times in a day.., that amounted to four to five hours of travel, or maybe six. I was being broken down into something that had to fit, and then she returned like all my unexpected dreams…, I saw her without realizing it, She did too… She hesitated for a moment, jerked awake by who I was.., she remembered the muscular baller, she remembered the years of staring, she remembered the desperate attempts to notify her of my presence.., she remembered, but then she walked away.., and I went to my seat by the train steps.., never had the train sped by so fast…, She rushed back into my heart, into my life.., into everything.., but what rushed back were my desires, but she left… I never saw her again.. Ever. I may have searched for her in over 10,000 profiles on Facebook.., but yet I can’t seem to find her..,  I hate to say it.., but maybe sometimes things aren’t meant to be found.

I have a hard time accepting certain unchangeable realities in this harsh world of ours. Because I keep trying and trying but nobody seems to notice what I do right.., it is only the wrongs that they are quick to pick on. But I guess, that I should wrap up this writing session abruptly, since dawn is here and only a few hours remain before I can go on to work.., I have written approximately 2,833 words over an hour, I have allowed myself to become vulnerable again and the feelings will probably stay until I can talk it out with the Lord, I did not pray…, I did nothing useful today apart from the past few hours.., The day awaits with it’s challenges, pressures and emotions…, and it is time that I shut my eyes and forget the soul with it’s intake of my existence.., Lost loves.., maybe they are never meant to be found, if you love someone… Tell them today.., Tomorrow might just be too late.