Stupid Love bound me

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I always fall for the wrong person. I always do.

I don’t know how I do it.., but I always do.

I mess up.., I catch feelings for them.., realize that they are either engaged, married, not interested, or some horrific reality that my heart fears like an inescapable heartbreak.

Why do I have this tendency..? Am I alone in this or are there other people like me out there in the world..?

It takes me a lot of time to recover.., I try to suppress this urge.., I try to be positive.., but I can’t help it.., I am created to seek love and to love. I can’t share this to people that I know.., they are quick to judge, condemn.., and worse yet not listen to the cry of my soul. I am not exactly asking for people to praise my choice of mates.., Nah.., I know that i’m impulsive.., lack proper judgment and too easily impressed by outer appearances. All I’m truly asking for is someone to listen for a change and not respond.

Sometimes this inability to discover love.., it feels like a wound to the heart.., I walk around all day hurt.. and it feels like I hurt in a place that I can never discover, reach and understand.., and it feels like its a place that connects to some eternal inward ocean that lies within me.., I am confused and not exactly cognizant of what I am supposed to do with this enormous wound in my soul. It walks with me.., it feels like my shadow.., in the darkness it asks me to curl up and weep sometimes.., I don’t understand what all of this means.., am I supposed to give up and grieve..? Or is this a sadness of the soul to be stuck in a world of fake art..? Is this a nervous breakdown of the human spirit in an inability to cope with a world filled with actors, surface level deviants and people with heartless, indifferent hearts..?

The problem with me as far as I am concerned is that I love.., too easily.., too readily and too deeply.., it is probably a curse for those who are not attractive on the surface. I was probably created for love.., I enjoy offering it to people. Not the romantic version obviously.., obviously.. Obviously.. that is a couples thing.

You know what I truly hate..? Advice. I feel like an old soul.., any word of advice that anybody can ever offer to me.., I feel like I know it intuitively. But the worst part is that I despise those who offer advice since it feels like they are determined to speak like they know it all.., have done it all and understand it all. More often than not it feels like a spiteful irritation of the old to wound the young for mistakes made by the old when they had been young. Like I said, I feel too deeply.., I feel beyond what is spoken, what is conveyed and beyond what is offered. I sense through pain the traces of a soul in engagement to a complex world.

Sometimes when I am awake in the nights.., and which is all the time I tell you.., I hate to sleep.., it feels so difficult to master. I may have a bit of an insomnia problem.., anyway coming back to my relationship with the night.., at times it is so serene, so silent, so eerie and so unreal that you can hear sounds from a colony a few hundred meters away, and it does shock you in the way that you expect something unexpected to happen but it doesn’t.., and this is how it is for the entire night.., until 4 am.., since wakefulness has started and normality returns and the dark, shadowy veil of the night is lifted and I can go and fall asleep.

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I am what I see – Poem

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I am what I see,
I will speak what I see and you should listen without interrupting.
For you cannot know me from what you see on the outside..,
I am finding my way through what I see..,
I am finding a way through what I hear..,
I am finding a way through what I feel..,
What I see and hear ends up becoming what I feel,
What I feel ends up becoming my response to reality..,
What is my reality ends up becoming my ideas.., my thoughts and my feelings.
I imagine a world different from what I see..,
for what I see is all too out there without reference.., meaning and intent..,
the world I see.., the bronze dark skins that walk past me.., the secluded open houses that stand beside.., the dusty streets.., the speeding cars.., the ironed workers hiding behind the prison of the eyes..,
I am influenced by the ingredients of what I see but still I dream..,
I dream of delight.., of joy.., of happiness…, of love.., of respect.., of greatness..,
and in these are my thoughts.., but I see what I feel not.

The Optimist and the Dreamer – Short fiction

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Some of us live the ordinary life..,While some of us dream and create a world within a world to live in…and that’s okay.., nobody is spared quite really.., none can escape the dreariness of life or her sordid despair.., Hanka was such a girl.., she always did what was asked of her.., she fought through the ugliness of life.., studied hard.., learned to not pay heed to the ugly stares.., learned to escape the tyranny of a toxic realm.. Did things the right way.., Followed God.., lived life with faith.., obeyed in perfection what the Bible mandated.. Hanka was the type of person who went to heaven.., Hanka was the type of person who was promoted for her hard work.. Hanka was the type of person who put food on the table for her kids even if it meant waking up early for twenty years in a row.., Hanka was the type of person who looked out for people.., she did not befriend.., she helped.., managed professional duties with ease.., looked after a family.., She lived by the book.., perfected the system and was fruitful.., blessed and hope filled. For her faith was more than just feeling.., it was something to live upto despite the struggles, the wrestles and the down falls. She knew what faith promised and she walked towards that with unswerving hope. Hanka was an emblem of hope.., She always got through whatever was bothering her.., she conformed because it was right, just and demanded from the Bible. Hanka believed in rules and did not offer grace without believing that the person would someday change. But hanka had a huge heart.., she dealt compassionately with those who were poor.., sick.., hurt and down.., Hanka was just the type of person who believed that doing things the right way meant that it was more loving.., more better and wasn’t it what the Lord desired..? Hanka always spent her money on buying stuff for her family.., she came second.., she loved it more to help others. Hanka was always forgotten.., though she went to great lengths to buy stuff for other people…, to do extravagant things for other people.., she was always treated like she was ordinary.., like the things that she was doing for other people did not change their hearts. But Hanka strived forward.., hurt but bold.., determined to do what had been required of her from the start by a mysterious God who was everywhere but appeared like he was nowhere to be found.

Saul was the type of person who wondered whose side God was on in a personal conflict. Saul was the type of person who stayed awake in order to feel inspiration.., Saul was the type of person who stayed awake because he wished to be closer to his inner voice.., to what he could remember of his deepest and most soulful longings.. Saul was the type of person who felt that the sky was an imitation of inner feelings.., Saul was the type of person who struggled with apologies since he did not wish a repeat of what had been done.., Saul was the kind who deeply understood the horrendous unpleasantness of everything.., he knew that people were homeless.., he knew that the girls who had left boyfriends married somebody different and ended up becoming more happy.., Saul also knew that he could not change anything.., He could never change people’s evil that resided deep in their hearts and cunningly deceived them much like the Serpent at Eden’s Garden.., he knew that people were always going to be poor.., he knew that chickens would be slaughtered for meat.., he knew that girls would be trafficked for prostitution.., he knew that animals in the jungle would be killed.., he knew that some were going to be abused.., raped.., molested.., hurt.., wounded.., bullied.., murdered…, hated for the color of their skin.., he knew that people were guilty of not being courageous enough to challenge the norms and moods of their time.., whatever the times were defined by people imitated and reflected.., he knew that people from the slums could never escape the cruelty of their upbringing.., he knew that people would be discriminated.. he knew these things because he could see deep into the heart of the world and see it’s lost state.., He was not just a dreamer.., he dreamt of better living conditions for everybody.., he dreamt of a world without poverty.., he dreamt of a world without hell.., He dreamt of a world without sin.., He dreamt of a world filled with meaning.., but sometimes Saul dreamt of other things.. of darkness.., He dreamt of never existing.., He dreamt sometimes of being the only conscious person in a world filled with robots.., He sometimes looked at himself in a mirror that he had a face.., a body and that people outside judged him based on how he spoke, acted and interacted with that body. Saul was the kind of person who had been hurt by love but still believed in it and attempted to control it because he did not wish to appear sappy, emotional and delusional. Saul had a soft soul.., he struggled to accept the blessings of his life because others seemed more vulnerable to the world’s beatings. Saul struggled to live.., he struggled to obey God.., He struggled to believe because each day he felt the attack of a world intent on breaking him apart.., Saul struggled with lust.., with greed.., with pride.., he struggled to commit fully to the Bible since sometimes he felt that it made a person too righteous that they forgot their weakness that made them love more deeply. Saul knew in his heart that the Bible was true.., he knew it with absolute conviction.., but he had never been a lover of rules.., he wanted to discover what made life tick.., setting the rules would mean that life became dull, uninspiring and too stable.., he wished to live in the way that he wanted to.., He wanted to be in control of his life. He was a free-spirit and he enjoyed freedom.

Saul did not look at things as right and wrong.., he did not appreciate the power of being right all the time since he believed in empathy more than righteousness which was a controversial stance to take since his views and opinions were laughed at and mocked by the religious of his day. Saul also believed that nobody would catch him if he were to fall.., he knew that nobody was running behind him.., nobody would desire him and if they did.. the moment they understood him they would leave.. Saul understood too that his own inner need to prove things to people sometimes broke and he succumbed to what made life easier since he couldn’t bear the pain of loneliness and also did not wish to bring pain to himself that others would talk about. Saul did not like it when anybody told him what to do.., because he believed that they didn’t understand what he was feeling on the inside., Saul was led by an intense spirit within himself, he did not like to discover weaknesses within himself.. they made him feel dejected, wounded and sad.., he wished to burst forward like a sparkling meteor on a black, silken night. Saul felt hurt that life had expectations on him.., that he would be audited for what he had done in his life.., and he couldn’t ever talk himself out of it.., No …Saul felt trapped in a world where everything was fixed in stone and he was stuck in it.

Too Real – Poem

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The problem that I face with the world
is that everything is too real and I am too soft..!
I believe in the absolute best despite facing a lifetime of evil, hurt and angst..,
My scars have deep wisdom.., but my heart has deeper innocence..,
A few days ago.., a girl who had dumped a guy was hacked to death by the guy she left.., no happy endings.., no background theme music.., just real evil happeing in a place used to daily routine and crowds.., what an ugly violent manifestation..,
A day before that murder.., she was alive.., happy.., possibly dreaming about clearing off the debt for her parents with her I.T. job.., but now she has become a tormented face that reminds people of cruelty…,
Will people remember her in the same way …?
We walk past homeless souls whose entire lives have been one big agony and we don’t flinch or even feel their pain..?
How cruel are we..? Do we realize that we are going to be asked such questions by the Lord at Judgment..?
I wonder if demons rejoiced at another lost soul lost to eternity..?
I wonder if the killer thought things through, I wonder if he saw past his own hurt..? Why dear Lord are we possessed of a will that exists only to bring ruin and shame unto us..?
How can you unsee such an atrocity..? how do you find the words for such a tragedy..?
What are you supposed to do when this is the routine in the world I feel, see and live..?
How can happiness be preached when death, cruelty, pain and suffering are all I see..?
But i’m not complaining.., I survived my suicide.., I experienced a hand reaching out to me from the supernatural realm and save a routine fatality..,
but still I am a healer in a world deeply at unease with the forces of brutality and discouragement..,
Each day I am haunted by what I see.., the more others don’t have… the more at unease I feel.
I can’t sleep.., the human soul is at unease and rushes into evil, murderous lust and wickedness.., I pray.., I am always acutely aware of the unrest.., of the living shadowy beings …, I am always aware that something is always at work around me.., my sensitivity feeds my inner life with what my natural eyes can’t ever see…,
I pray for my town regularly.., I pray for souls to know the truth that can set them free.., I pray for Angelic protection for my brethren living in places infested with hate.., thievery and fear.., I pray for natural man to encounter the spiritual force of Christ.., I pray for eyes to see.., for ears to hear and for hearts to feel God..,
I dream sometimes that God will save us all.., I dream sometimes that I can build a shelter for homeless dogs.., I dream someday that the Church that I build will shelter homeless people in the night.
I dream sometimes that Hell will become empty.., It’s real sad to know the fate of the world.., Friends you still have a life.., seek the truths of Jesus and be absolutely sure in your conviction of Him if you are going to reject Him.., Narrow is the path that leads to life and few there are that find it.