I always fall for the wrong person. I always do.
I don’t know how I do it.., but I always do.
I mess up.., I catch feelings for them.., realize that they are either engaged, married, not interested, or some horrific reality that my heart fears like an inescapable heartbreak.
Why do I have this tendency..? Am I alone in this or are there other people like me out there in the world..?
It takes me a lot of time to recover.., I try to suppress this urge.., I try to be positive.., but I can’t help it.., I am created to seek love and to love. I can’t share this to people that I know.., they are quick to judge, condemn.., and worse yet not listen to the cry of my soul. I am not exactly asking for people to praise my choice of mates.., Nah.., I know that i’m impulsive.., lack proper judgment and too easily impressed by outer appearances. All I’m truly asking for is someone to listen for a change and not respond.
Sometimes this inability to discover love.., it feels like a wound to the heart.., I walk around all day hurt.. and it feels like I hurt in a place that I can never discover, reach and understand.., and it feels like its a place that connects to some eternal inward ocean that lies within me.., I am confused and not exactly cognizant of what I am supposed to do with this enormous wound in my soul. It walks with me.., it feels like my shadow.., in the darkness it asks me to curl up and weep sometimes.., I don’t understand what all of this means.., am I supposed to give up and grieve..? Or is this a sadness of the soul to be stuck in a world of fake art..? Is this a nervous breakdown of the human spirit in an inability to cope with a world filled with actors, surface level deviants and people with heartless, indifferent hearts..?
The problem with me as far as I am concerned is that I love.., too easily.., too readily and too deeply.., it is probably a curse for those who are not attractive on the surface. I was probably created for love.., I enjoy offering it to people. Not the romantic version obviously.., obviously.. Obviously.. that is a couples thing.
You know what I truly hate..? Advice. I feel like an old soul.., any word of advice that anybody can ever offer to me.., I feel like I know it intuitively. But the worst part is that I despise those who offer advice since it feels like they are determined to speak like they know it all.., have done it all and understand it all. More often than not it feels like a spiteful irritation of the old to wound the young for mistakes made by the old when they had been young. Like I said, I feel too deeply.., I feel beyond what is spoken, what is conveyed and beyond what is offered. I sense through pain the traces of a soul in engagement to a complex world.
Sometimes when I am awake in the nights.., and which is all the time I tell you.., I hate to sleep.., it feels so difficult to master. I may have a bit of an insomnia problem.., anyway coming back to my relationship with the night.., at times it is so serene, so silent, so eerie and so unreal that you can hear sounds from a colony a few hundred meters away, and it does shock you in the way that you expect something unexpected to happen but it doesn’t.., and this is how it is for the entire night.., until 4 am.., since wakefulness has started and normality returns and the dark, shadowy veil of the night is lifted and I can go and fall asleep.