How can you be so sure..? I asked her
How can I be the one..? I don’t have a job… how will I take care of you..? I am afraid of taking you outside because I am fearful that something might happen to you.., I sleep in the mornings, I work with people who use me, I I call myself a writer, an artist and a anguished soul but the truth is that I can never write without feeling pain.., I am afraid that I am not who I say I am.., I am afraid to see myself without the talents that I have been so obsessed with for so many years that I am afraid to see myself in the way that everybody else sees me.., as somebody who should’ve given up and just did something that brought in money.., All my life I’ve only been tormented by appearing less than what I have always presumed about myself. I’m a wounded soul , I am afraid of hurting you by treating you normally, ordinarily.., what if we grew tired of each other..? Bored of each other..? What if your feelings for me will change..? What if you suddenly meet somebody more dashing.., handsome and more worthy of you..? Please don’t settle for a loser like me.., I begged her again.
She said, Come one step closer.
I have waited for you, I know the man of my dreams when I see him, hear him talk and spend time with him.., I have saved my heart for you through the rain, through the fire, through the storm.., I know that its going to be hard, we might fight.., we might even not talk.., but I promise to love you through all of that, I promise to die trying.., I don’t want you to be happy Joseph.., I know that I can never do that, I am here to complete you and I want you to complete you.., we can work around your fears, your worries and your precious scars baby.., I have my own.., maybe they can make us love each other deeply..? Truly..? More truthfully..? She said with such tender emotion, I felt my resistance melting, my heart beginning to wonder, dare I say even hope..?
I don’t deserve you.., I don’t.., I have nothing.., you hear me.., I am an undeserving, stubborn, bone headed jerk who always receives unfair luxuries.., I’d much rather choose a life of misery, strain and constant pain than to make you lose hope in me.., because that is what will happen when you live with me sweetheart.., It will probably crush me to see you with somebody else.., but at the very least they can give you the life that you deserve.., You’re worth so much more than wasting your life with me and for me.., I can’t allow you to throw away your chances and your life.., you deserve the best.., you deserve great things, good things.., wonderful things.., I am just a magnet for hardships, pains and suffering.., don’t come near me.., please.., please go.., I begged her, pleading with her.
‘ But can’t you see..? That you are denying me of something that I had to wait patiently for over 25 years..? I didn’t ask for perfection Joe.., I asked for love.., I asked for a man who would love me, stay with me, want me, build a life with me.., I know that you are the one.., do you have any idea of the long nights of prayer that I had to do in order to draw you into the realm of my life..? Do you have any idea of the self control that I had to exert to wait for you..? The people that I had to avoid..? I love you baby.., I love who you are.., I love the wholeness of you.., I am not looking for perfection, I just want to be connected to the other half of my soul…, I just want somebody whom I can love without fear, without doubt and without care.., I want.., I want..
Yes.., yes.., I wanted her to say those words that I had been waiting to hear. But as I tried to lean closer to her, I felt her retreating, moving from me.., her flesh becoming like splashing waves.., her eyes melting like sapphire candles.., I felt my head hit something ‘ thwack’.., I opened my eyes and realized that it had all been but a romantic dream. Grrr#