Enormity – Short Story

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He was a man haunted by the enormity of what was seen, felt, heard, thought and touched. He saw too deeply, searched too deeply, and craved too deeply.., but what was there to see in the cruel, turbulent and vanishing world..? What was seen disappeared, people disappeared, love disappeared, emotions climactic and cathartic disappeared.., what remained were our souls, and how we can claim we existed. Madness often sought his sensitive soul, it wished to take his soul and fill it with thoughts, moods and emotions that were sick and lost in their
meaninglessness… His soul blurred the lines between the world of stone and the world that was soft and absorbent… A world where life felt and moved like death and pain, any man who can discern the deep pain of death does not belong to this world.., He is closer to heaven than he realizes, and much closer to God and closer still to true vision.

The world’s cruelty, evil and pain remains clear but unseen..but oh when they entered into his intense mind of beauty, harmony and peace, they brought their curse and mind numbing spells along… Peace as still as the resounding still after the breaking waves cast their deep, eternal longings on to the souls of mankind, sitting in blindness on it’s shores … they entered him and they possessed him, and he thrashed like agitated waves unable to recover it’s sanity, like a caged parrot longing for her freedom as she squawked and cried as humans listened to noise, like a tiger experiencing deep sorrow as the cold steel bars hit his face as he attempted to use his strength to bull doze his way past it and run away into the jungle, where his rightful home was.., like a lion captured by men.., his pride stolen, and sold for sheets of money. How cruel were these everyday sights..? How cruel still the hearts of men walking past such cries to free, help and save.

He could not remember outer details, his sensitivity, his gift of being able to feel deeply was given to penetrate deeply into the surface of human life, to feel the intensity of life, to absorb the essence of humanity and it’s anguish and then reason his way out of it’s terrifying unconscious maze, to experience the Universe of the hidden soul and see in it’s splendor the mighty reality of a Divine Creator and to feel specifically what was unseen, unrealized, unheard, sidestepped, thrown aside, hurt, broken and forgotten.

What lay within a man…? Apart from his bones, his blood and his soul..? What murky inner highways, towns and cities exist formed from memories ..?What did experiences and the brutal mirror of reality turn into, did they become swords that stabbed in moments of fear..? The real things did not obey our concepts of them, they were blunt, trauma inducing and indifferent to the suffering, the pain and to the cries of men…, How foolish were men ..? To think that the stone could
feel, to assume that the dead would live.. but he could feel things that he could never seem to possess the vocabulary necessary to explain, or put a finger on and never ever be sure of. They were there, these silent beings..hateful, bitter, murderous deceivers.. searching only to kill, blind and fool him into thinking that they were there to redeem humanity… He felt them every now and then…, sometimes they stared at him through his own eyes as he searched his eyes for something beyond the dull, everyday image of how he aged in the world.. they stared at him through the darkness of this world that he had to cope with a great deal of pain,through the unbearable suffering of humanity’s clear deficiencies, they stared off the tops of temples.., clear in their disguise, yet seductively pleasing to the eye and terrifying in their postures. How long would mankind be deceived by these beings from the world beyond ours..?

But this man tired of experiencing the distress, the pain and the hurt of other men decided to kill himself.., since everything was being murdered, or run over or being hurt knowingly by men enslaved to their own evil. He too wished to extinguish himself up in a great sacrifice, all his life he felt things too deeply, but he knew not that his emotional hurt were the result of his profound inner innocence that remained despite the outer loss to social pressure.

He decided to jump off a bridge, strangely the eerie violence of his own imagination provided for him a great relief for his soul was slowly dying away. He replayed back his life, his great failures, his great inabilities and his great disappointments.., how people never truly seemed to care.., how people walked over him as though he were not there.. how people lived through and around him like he was not alive. As he was about to jump, his soul seemed to wish to perhaps kneel down and perhaps rant a final time to the unseen, invisible decider of all human fate. Like Job, he wished to let Him who is above all know his great inner turmoil, blame Him, hurt Him and then jump to his death.

He knelt down, embarrassed by his neediness despite the inner death of his soul as it prepared itself into the descent of Hell itself. He no longer cared, he was tired of caring and not being appreciated.., yes.., appreciated.., for nobody seemed to care about his presence in this stark world.., Yet he, he felt the great hurt of men forced to beg and roam, he felt the pain of a man exposed to the wiles of the city for the first time., he felt the deep sorrow of a broken heart as a lover rejected her love.., he felt the hurt of entire neighborhoods crying out for peace.., he felt the great sorrow of middle class families torn apart between loans, debts and living in fear of poverty and shame. He felt the pain of slums, huts, of souls trapped inside in mediocrity, trapped in social shame, treated like outcasts, treated like objects meant to be treated badly.., and not like human beings, with souls and hearts.., how cruel have we become..?

Was it that wrong to ask for a shoulder to cry upon..? Was it wrong to want a friend to listen..? Hadn’t he listened countless times..? Loved even as hurt, pain and evil was thrown upon him countless times.? Perhaps the deepest reason for his decision was that he could do no better, he had tried.., he had messed up, fallen down, perhaps he was not good at this human life.., perhaps it was the others who were spoken of as better all his life who deserved a better chance at this thing called life.

It didn’t feel like this divine being called God cared too much for him, he had called Him countless times.. but he was only left with the rejected sound of emptiness.., he felt hurt more by God’s silence than by the weight of all the rejections, pains and discouragements of this sad sad life. Why didn’t God care..?

Didn’t people tell him that only God would care..? That this person called Jesus would be there for him..? He knew that the supernatural in this world was largely hidden underneath men’s minds. He could also sense intuitively the reasons for God’s hiddenness.., but here he was ready to throw himself into eternal torment and hellfire, and he got no reaction, response or even a slight read in his subconscious mind.

He would gladly enjoy Hell, perhaps he would gnash his teeth at the unbearable, unthinkable, terrifying, tremendous pain.., but he would gladly endure it since nobody seem to care.., Nobody. That was far better than this.. than this indifference, that would be better than this echo of inconsideration.. If God did not care.. Perhaps He wasn’t so real after all.

All men were bound to a journey, their choices inevitably crossing the path so covered deeply with directions towards a spiritual destiny that only a few men perceived the great depths of such a call.

But as he knelt, knelt near the side of the bridge, as the cars screamed past him.., he felt a sudden gentleness in the depths of his spirit. It was so fleeting, yet so powerful in the way in which it broke away his burdens and seemed to nurse away at his famished, weary and hurt spirit… His inner spirit with it’s fractures, hurts, wounds and deep brokenness… This wondrous mysterious force seemed to work away at his tremendous darkness and seemed to weave into his tears, bursts of heavenly light, into his broken anguish the healing waters of life herself…, Who was this..? What was this..? He questioned his heart.., He felt a being working away at his heart…, He heard the whisper of a name humanity had called unto for eternity, often mistaking His identity and often times building up images from their own imagination and wisdom. He inquired further, eager to question this being that he had searched for ages, searching in the futility of the outer world and her vast enormity, he strongly felt the name, Jesus being sent to him… Yeshua.., images of a hebrew speaking Jewish Rabbi, Teacher and Healer streamed into his consciousness… His eyes welled up, the tears flowed freely.., what healing..? What kindness radiated from the man..? What gentleness..? How had he never come to this man..? Why had been unable to discern the absolute truth of Godship in this man..? How..?

But he did not care right now, he had been saved… Given life.., breathed into and offered another chance by eternity, by the tremendous majesty of the supernatural’s Creator and by the source and origin of the Universe…, God…, God did care…, He seemed to care a lot… He suddenly had this irresistible desire to share that news with the whole world, how great was his joy…, He ran …., He ran past people and he cared no more…, his heart felt light, radiant and joyful.., He screamed the name Yeshua to everyone and anyone who listened.., Yeshua saved me as I was about to jump off that bridge.. right there.. in front of you all.., Jesus.. yes that’s his name… Please listen to me.., you have to know Him… He is God.., he said to the fools blinded to their lusts by the fallen gods of this world.., but his conviction, his spiritual radiance seemed to penetrate into their hearts…,he would tell them over and over.. that was going to be his life from now.

How does one know..? He just does. It’s so deeply embedded in our psyche to respond to God that we should seriously lose all our fanciful intellectual worship of our own knowledge and Holy Curiosity, because we all will know what it is when we meet it…, either in tragedy or introspection.., We are all being attracted to the magnetic search for peace demanded from our own souls. Why don’t we ever slow down, and truly give God a chance..? Why..?

Empath’s Chronicles

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Young things have a mind all their own.. They really really do.

I always love when movies start. I really really do… It gives off a great sense of adventure and promise… Movies to me are like people,  I am wired to believe that they never end, similarly I assume that people are going to fade away in a form that does not involve pain and suffering …. The movie business, boy do I have a load of thoughts on that topic… I just hate how the movie business only wants the bodies and talents of individuals…  It wants the bodies of beautiful women to further our depraved imaginations into thinking that when they engage in lasciviousness,  it is for our pleasure… I find this vicarious thrill sickening in my imperfect yet renewed heart which has submitted itself to the Lord… I think old people choose young people to marry bcos they want the illusion of being young in some warped, twisted way. I don’t like it when that happens, it’s sick and revolting even though people pretend that it’s all normal and okay.. But then again so many things are far from being okay.

I think that people pay professional shrinks just to hear them talk without interrupting… People get so used to hearing the same things that they stop listening.

Why do people pretend like they have it all together?  Isn’t life going to snatch everything away?  Job, parents, kids.. Wife…!!  And yet they pretend like they know what’s about to happen next?   
It’s all about money in this town..  Survival…  Money.. Rent.. Bills… These are the true realities..  True love..  Soulmates – These don’t exist … They really don’t. God exists though and boy am I glad that I never get tired of Him!! 

Why do people grow up and become so cold and lonely?  Why do women control so much of our interactions?  I hate how much I re-read conversations with women in different voices and emotions trying to decipher some hidden clue of inference that will supposedly be an  “eternal treasure and joy”

Why does it hurt to be vulnerable? How can I switch off this feeling of being absolutely vulnerable at all times?   The older I get the more I see things differently.. Why do people desire each other..?  We all get tired of each other anyway..  don’t we?  What does last in this life then? 

I hate how all that people see are faces..  What about my heart?  My soul? Is your vision only limited to my vision?  I guess that the Lord is going to talk to me when He truly wishes to.. Or when He really wants to…  I don’t mind His approach.. I just want Him to talk to His favorite kid, on this side of the ocean..!  Why can’t I save all the sick, dying and broken people in this world Lord?  All the homeless animals?  All the poor people losing their minds..?  Why can’t I stop war?  Crimes? Poverty?    Prostitution, human negligence?  Trafficking ?  murder ?  merciless killings? 

I hate how forgiveness turns back the blame on myself and checks my conscience and wonders in invisibility about the relative state of all things and about our own inability to be absolutely clean and pure , People say the meanest things when they are angry… they really do…!  

I can’t understand how comfortable people are in who they are…  don’t they have fears?  Insecurities?  Timidity?  Shyness?  I’m seriously beginning to wonder how people can feel so confident when at anytime anything can happen!!  I hate what death does to a person…  I hate how it tears open a person’s soul with grief.. And brings the great treacherous injustice of the world into our hearts as we struggle against its vicious and vile might..! 

My mom doesn’t understand a thing about WiFi or the internet or what an Android app means…  and sometimes I laugh at her like it all means a lot, I hate it when I laugh at my mother…  I don’t deserve such a lazy and careless act..  She sweat blood, sweat and tears for me…  She clothed me… Placed my life before her…  what selfishness has my heart to laugh when my mom hides what her generation has trouble comprehending?  How cruel can I be? 

I feel sorry for people a lot…  I really do,  I just cry for them…  I hurt for them…  I pray for them…  the good Lord made my heart to be open and not closed to the world and it’s sufferings. I struggle in weakness against the might of my high sensitivity…  But the Lord has crafted me to bring Glory to Himself. I write stories about girls with whom I had chances with, or spent my life around with but never personally clicked… but they later found someone else.. And I roar and heave with all my anguish and mature sadness even as my pen weaves grand feel good dramas when my heart was broken so many times by decade old infatuations…!

I studied in this college where I felt invisible, where I was invisible… Nobody talked to me, it didn’t matter to them if I would’ve died right before their very eyes they still would’ve been so enamored of their great significance and privileges…  No girl ever opened her heart to me when u was there… I longed so deeply and lovingly towards my muses who were happily oblivious of my affections… I was always forgotten…  sometimes when I laugh at my ma and tease her I remember the pain of being made to feel all of that, and I grow angry at myself and start cursing myself. I still remember how much I hated myself… I can’t be like those flaky, pretensive scoundrels to my ma… She means the world to me.

Late night confessions – Dreamer’ Chronicles

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I worry when I can’t find something to write about. I get more anxious when the slightest disturbances tick me off when I am trying to write…. I worry often that I could permanently lose my connection to writing… I worry about things that seem more real than reality itself. Writing is a place of drowning for me…, Writing is a place where passion meets silence…, and they merge together like translucent worlds…Creating oceanic infinity unto which I find my soul adrift in… I go gently into the depths and drown myself….I feel my heart worshipping my Maker as I find meaning in the mundane and use it to create pictures that would last longer than the finished hours.. The World of Words, Stories and thoughts like ripples sink deeper into the Mighty Ocean of my Soul… I allow my heart to take over and wander… Hungry to create, Dissolving my being into the words that flow like moving streams going somewhere. I fancy myself as an eternal seeker, seeking God in the spaces of my heart’s longings and my mind’s thoughts.

I often wonder what God is like…? I wonder what He really thinks about Gay people… Paedophiles… Prostitutes.. My secret sins, My willful sins.. My lack of power in sustaining the spiritual balance and foundation of my Salvation…? Why did He have to create Hell…? Why do so many people die everyday…? I wonder when my death will come..? I wonder when the Rapture would occur…? I wonder how something as deeply evil as sin came about in this world – I wonder if sin, the cataclysmic, apocalypse demanding Hell creating evil is the direct opposite of God’s ridiculous Grace and Goodness…, I wonder if my self righteous friends are heading to Heaven and I wonder if I am on a highway to Hell…? I wonder if I can ever break the strongholds that seem to always remind me of their presence in my heart…? I wonder if Angels walk by my Gates disguised as Poor, wretched Beggars…, I wonder if I can ever fall in love again after the mess, the scars and the consequent lows that followed..? I wonder if I could give my life to Christ as a Martyr..? I wonder if I will ever finish writing my beloved book project…?

I read an angry, powerful blog the other day… The writer, a popular blogger was terrifically outraged by the U.S. Supreme Court’s announcement that favored Gay people and their democratic right to marry their partners. The writer was making a point that Jesus is not the peace loving, Grace offering person that people make Him out to be… He was a mighty, Righteous Judge who continually offended people with the truth…, He wielded whips when He discovered His Father’s House turned into a house of salesmen and traders. This was what the blogger was ranting about.., and I could understand his outrage…, he was tired of hearing people quote portions of scripture that justified their actions while blinding them to their mistakes.., and he just wished to educate them on the full character of Christ which I always feel like I have not understood. I fell in love with Jesus at a young age… He to me was the most interesting character of the entire Bible.., in my later years I found David enjoyable.. since I had many traits and life choices that mirrored his… , I realized the presence of a God as I was about to commit suicide two years ago…Trapped in a life that was slowly involving drugs, alcohol and recklessness.. I was supported by God’s words that offered me comfort, counsel and healing without the bruising judgment and confrontation that it usually does… I cling rigidly to the Grace portions… His wonderful protection of the Prostitute.., His Parable of the Prodigal son.., His tender love for Peter even after he betrayed a knowledge of Him…, His love attracts me to Him.. If there was ever someone who loved like Him.. ? My Father made a comment that Christ avoided personal attachments to people, My Father’s theory is that Jesus could not have kept up His personal ministry had He been terribly attached to people. I found myself getting terribly angry at the suggestion.., I fell in love with Jesus assuming that He was already madly and passionately in love with me..! If He was that way in His ministry, how would He treat me like as a redeemed sinner… ? I personally encountered the rich treasures of God’s precious, wonderful grace after accepting Him back into my life and renewing a commitment to Him. My Father often has this unconscious nature of lessening the nature of my story in order to reflect his own choices when he found Christ. I wonder if I can ever truly understand, grasp or ponder upon His nature. He fascinates, challenges, convicts, rebukes, loves, warns, terrifies and occupies me at all times. I can’t draw a picture of Him without pondering at length about every trait of His, and wondering about the spiritual implications and the social settings that inspired His fiery speeches. I feel like that is what the disciples must have encountered.! He was too complex to understand, but too loving to accept them all.. trifles, rejects and outcasts in a broken, legalistic society where God had become a mere phrase, tossed around to suit one’s piety and pious actions. I can understand the warning imminent in the blogger’s post… , I truly get it…, I struggled to keep up the righteous part even after I found my way into Him.. No overnight, dramatic changes occurred.. but my old heart and her ways were gone…, I felt new, fresh, cleansed, cleaned up and free… As a part of my attempts at disciplining my former life’s energies, I tried to read through Paul’s complex and blunt letters…, Most of them offended me and most of them challenged me. I wept, cried and complained to the Lord all the time that He was making this too hard for me…, I remember a time when I was not afraid to burn in Hell( a quite foolish pride and vanity of course).. My reasons were that if God’s ways were too forceful and demanding… I’d rather choose pain than go and live a perfect life in a perfect place full of perfect people – Saints, Obedient children and Perfectionists… I was quite happy being surrounded by hardened sinners who routinely lived a scandalous, riotous life without the slightest concern for a Holy God…, but at least they did not seem to be bothered much by my lifestyle or by my presence…, God on the meanwhile was too Holy, Perfect and Absolute for my tastes… He in my opinion seemed too hard to follow. But I found strangely that I was wrong…, and that God’s ways and character were too deep and too good in order for me to run away from Him. In all honesty, I wanted to run towards Him as much as I have wanted to run away from Him. Something about Him made me stay… Something about Him made me want to take an effort.

I know that in a way when I encountered Christ, I was magnificently changed.. My old friends started parting away… My lips spoke only about Jesus.. He replaced the failed love with Brilliance and Power… But stubbornly I held on to certain sins.. feeling that they were too small to inflict much damage, I would let them all away as I progressed in my faith. But they opened portals through which demonic powers forced themselves into, eating away at my new heart… Slaying away my noble efforts…, attempting to pull me back into my former world of outward glamor and pride. Somehow by the Lord’s infinite, profound mercy for my soul I survived time and time again.. But many battles were lost along the way…, but time and time again I found my knees on the floor.. asking for mercy, for Grace… for Power… For deliverance… Ultimate Deliverance… I found them often…, many of my evils have passed away… unable to find a breeding ground.. but some of the stay… subtle.. silent and predatory… Waiting for the kill… But God’s wondrous Grace and Love for me has kept me sane, sober and free for long periods of time…, but I have darknesses still but the light exposes them often.. I am not a finished product.., I have faith that Heaven is where I belong even though dark terrors and fears of Hell have kept me imprisoned for as long as I can remember. I have Faith that God will mightily deliver me from all my inward inabilities and sicknesses… I have Faith that God will accomplish what He started in my heart. I have Faith in God’s love for me which has never, ever changed and remains a rock solid supporting rope as I climp upward into the realms of the supernatural and the spiritual.

I wanted my faith to be Vibrant.., Poetic, Soulful… Spiritually rich, diverse and independent…I kept many notes about my travels which suddenly sprang up with life.. I had struggled before in capturing the intricacies of architecture.., texture, topography and the psyche and emotional vibe of the locale…but Christ’s presence and friendship transformed ordinary occurrences into gems of spiritual power and wealth. I felt my writing healed of its powerful demons, I felt my writing find a solid, stable anchor against the inner winds of a writer’s destructive darkness…, I felt my writing gain power, force and presence… as I inhabited my words, my world and my observations. God’s favor swamped my life.. I felt it deepen dry friendships, heal wounded scars inflicted by proud snobs, cure anxieties.. Deliver me from Demonic powers on a daily basis., and take me to artistic heights and realms that nourished and enriched my spirit. I felt like I was being offered a tiny glimpse of Heaven.

I often wonder if I am constructing a God whom I would love instead of merely accepting the fiercely righteous calls towards eliminating sinfulness and choosing actions that would bring Holiness into our lives. The Bible itself warns about choosing doctrines that appeal rather than living out doctrines that demand and plead for immediate action. But I can understand…, righteousness is a shield against the mighty, overpowering force of evil and wickedness… Holiness takes us away from mere worldliness…But like I said… I am just a learner…, a child attempting to wear armors that are too heavy and large for my liking…, but I am a warrior and a soldier… I have always fought for what is right… even at the cost of my own comforts.. and I will continue to persevere on, knowing that My Father is right alongside me no matter how feeble my tries.

God bless you all.
Good night.