Piercing the darkness – Part One

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Yosef watched with mute keenness the entire scene. There were so many humans there, most of them would never realize the reality of their inner soul and it’s precarious position in the sight of the Lord. None of them would know that a similar fate would meet them if they did not repent of their inherent wickedness, spiritual rebellion and mindful sinfulness and accept the precious sacrifice of the Lord Jesus Christ done for the benefit of humanity.

No one would be able to see him, the Lord had tired of satan using the unseen realm to fool men into believing in stories that men’s imagination devised, during the days of Noah and Enoch, Lucifer had created grand displays of men’s imagination.. Giants had lived, and had invited men’s worship and awe… further deceiving themselves and falling deeper and deeper into the nature of their own minds, by claiming to be wise, they fell away and into the snares of the ancient dragon who led them all away from the one true God and into fables, myths and fantasies.. lucifer knew how to sense such imaginative and deep souls…, Most of them would be born either in the months of March, June, September or February.., he carefully read their imaginations because he had been granted access of the soul, when the Lord created man. Man’s soul stirred up strange imagery that murmured in the restless heart of a man deep in sleep, if only a man listened to his soul during his sleep..? But the Lord had purposefully concealed knowledge of their language from man’s wisdom, natural discernment and understanding… The Lord only wanted men to be saved from Hell, His End time Judgment and from His ferocious wrath in this age…The Lord had created man using mud, but the Lord in His tremendous all encompassing wisdom had generously granted men a bit of His spirit’s intoxicating eternal mystery.. this was what men called soul.., when men lost sight of earthly things and like a child believed in the Lord Jesus and His powerful resurrection and sacrifice.., their soul converted into a spirit…and in that spirit the Lord would reveal Himself in ways that the human mind with its limits could never fathom… The Lord did not intend for the father of lies to have access to man’s soul, but His truthful absolute made it possible for His absolute goodness as well…. The fall of man opened up the soul to the evil of the fallen one.., the ancient sinner… Yosef’s face grew grim as he thought of the horrendous evil that the Serpent had created all through the ages.. all because of the knowledge that he had stolen from Heaven.., Filthy robber.., his end was coming soon.., The Lord was just anxious to save as many souls as He could before the vile serpent would raise the final deception upon all of mankind… Even an evil would glorify the Lord ultimately, such is the Lord’s law.

His senses were used to the earthly pain by now, Yosef was deeply sad but he was an angel. He did not possess man’s flesh which created deep sorrow and suffering in the case of tragedy. Man’s pain was more acute because of the way in which the Lord had created an inner system of life.. Yosef meanwhile belonged to another realm, but his duties were always to watch, guard and protect against severe outbreaks of tragedy, pain and suffering…Yosef saw the different reactions in each soul that stood by the dead body, the medics were on their way, he could hear the sirens 5 kms away.., He knew the names of all the people in the crowd. There were 10 people besides Tim who had been viciously gunned down. The Lord enabled man to choose actions with his own free will.., and man always chooses evil, because apart from Christ all that man knows is the evil inside of him… but the Lord had in His great mercy granted men natural controls over the inner depravity so vast and unrealized in a man’s inmost being.. His heart without God’s presence was deeply wicked and sinful, Men’s hearts were always restless, wicked and without a thought of the actions that would be triggered by their indulgence in sin. Mankind did not realize that their indwelling sin was the reason for all the chaos, mess and vile ugliness in what had been God’s precious world… Yosef knew things beyond man’s wisdom, Yosef could only sadly smile at the proud and haughty thoughts of men who assumed themselves to be gods.., Yosef and his fellow brothers, the guardians of this world shivered and trembled as they thought of the truth that was hidden to all of mankind. Mankind were given too little information about Yahweh’s incredible Glory… Men on this planet tired of everything.., they would grow weary, restless and begin to search and scour for inner peace.., Never realizing that it is only in Jesus that the greatest love and solution of all that a man’s heart can feel is found in.. How tender was the Lord’s mercy towards these clueless rebels and condemned..?

Man did not have the power to realize the evil that was so piercingly pervasive in every inch, fiber and space of humanity and all her grandiose creations. Yosef wondered if he should separate the soul from Tim..? Tim’s father would be devastated.., his mother had left Tim’s father when he had been young.., She wanted to freely indulge in debauchery, she had listened to her heart and it had deceived her without her knowledge.., She had left to Las Vegas.., she had tried out every sinful indulgence over there, and was now trapped by the lusts for alcohol and immorality… Yosef knew intimate things about people, he could see the paths that they were choosing for themselves, he could see the deceiving spirits gleefully chaining people who lusted after the world and its pleasures and giving most people an illusion of control, freedom and independence… but the Lord had firmly closed her supply, her finances and her promiscuity by giving her health issues in her kidneys… Tim’s father was a Godly man.., crushed by his wife’s free spirited nature.. Steve struggled to stay afloat.., but that was when a local youth pastor, Joe had invited him to a Saturday evening concert and Service.. Steve’s life had turned radical, he found God’s power to forgive the grievous sorrow of losing his wife to the world.., he became a praying man.., and he spent many hours on his knees..Praying for his neighborhood.., he became a Prayerful Watchman for his neighborhood.. Zealously praying for the Lord’s will and Help to be available to the lost souls in his vicinity.., he even prayed zealously for his wife to find her way back to him.., he prayed for Tim endlessly, and the Lord had listened and had put in plan a sequence to save him.

Tim had wanted a coke and some hersheys, when Simon, the local gang-banger triggered to irritation by a spirit of aggression to strike fear in the drug infested neighborhood had opened fire at a local midnight store which had asian owners. Simon, had grown up poor.., he had slept on the sidewalks, his parents had divorced…his mother was a dope fiend and had neither the time nor the conscious recognition of him as her son, but a chance encounter with a drug dealer had altered his life forever.. Triggered deeply to never feel that shame, pain and sorrow.. Simon had struck fear in the heart of roswell neighborhood.. Driven by a maniacal pursuit of power.. Simon created a gang that spread drugs, violence and pain… Yosef remembered that the Lord had spoken many times to Simon’s conscience, but the local territorial spirit created calamities that struck a deeper fear into the heart of Simon, causing him to sink deeper into the mob life.

Caught by a barrage of bullets, Tim had fallen down, unconscious in a pool of his own blood. He had been dead for upto 10 mins by now.., passers by had shrieked in horror at the lifeless body, Stan the Asian who took care of the midnight store had forgotten the bullet sprayed windows.., he had rushed to Tim’s side and had called 911.., Yosef had seen Stan crying at the sheer injustice of it all, passersby had all been attacked by demonic hordes of terror, fear and indifference.. Many of them had run away.., Yosef could not believe their actions, but the devil’s hellions were working to create fierce divisions and factions within mankind.. even now he could see these demons so vicious, vile and violent spread lies into the hearts of the few people who stood there.. Yosef was a high ranking Angel, He had enough power to crush and send off these pathetic hellions scampering to the shady realm of the underworld… but the Lord had not spoken through the saints in Heaven…Yosef for now was to watch over and reduce in measure, the evil of this place… Why were mankind so foolish to not pray..? Did they not know that prayer opened up the floodgates of heaven..? Yosef could only observe what men’s freewill opened their unprotected lives upto.., Mankind rarely asked for the Lord’s help.., they were too caught up in some imaginary world of their own creation…He was sad.., Tim had just begun meeting Rosie.., Rosie was skeptical of her faith, but one of the reasons that their life paths crossed was to trigger Tim to deeper examine his faith as he saw Rosie’s excuses to not stand for Christ..,Only the Lord knew who He would save at all costs.., but the Lord treated everyone like the same, but once again there were deeper mysteries to the Lord’s plans that Yosef loved.., Yosef felt his heart swell as he thought about the Lord.., It was such an incredible honor to serve the true Master of the universe…Oh if only men could see the Lord, or even sense in their inner being His truths.. Yosef sighed.., happy that angels had been spared the fate of humans…but still determined to stand for the Lord’s cause for wicked, selfish humanity…Yosef knew that there had been a chance that the Lord would’ve sparked the lives of Tim and Rosie.. The Prayers of Tim’s father had protected Tim on many many occasions, but Tim had hardened his heart against the Lord since Tim felt that he could not believe in someone who had not done anything to unite his mother and father… Tim also lived in an unsafe neighborhood… murders, drugs and prostitution had hardened his heart and aroused anger at what he assumed was either a non existent fantasy or a detached God who hardly cared about His creation… Yosef could only think in awe of the Lord’s tender mercy as He saved billions and billions of ungrateful cowards, murderers, fornicators, sorcerers, selfish and godless mortals so dead in their sins… It was sad that Tim had never grasped Jesus strong enough in his life, despite the hundreds and thousands of chances that Yahweh had offered unto him.

(to be continued)

Unfulfilled Longings – Fictional Short Story

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I’ve been trying to forget her for a long long time and failing really badly at it. It felt like I enjoyed how I felt about her to such an intensity that I struggled to let it go.., but I knew that I had to. God had strictly asked me to let her go.., but I am not a powerful Creator who is mature and absolutely perfect, and who has never made mistakes for billions upon billions of years.., I struggle with my humanity, I struggle with my version of love which involves me falling for people that I like but to whom I can never become loved in their own version of reality. I know that life is unfair this way.. but I get it.., I really do.., It’s not exactly a delightful truth.., but you gradually begin to take it impersonally and learn to accept people for their mistakes and maybe forgive them someday, and accept the fact that their rejection of you is no fault of their own.. It’s just that they can’t see deep inside of your soul, your inner person and your hidden character. People are blind to what is unseen, and the unseen is the very birthplace of romantic love.

It was a dream that helped me remember her again. I would be lying if I were to tell you that she was never in my thoughts. Her name was ingrained into my brain, a mere uttering of her name brought delights into me that prompted much fancy and imagination. She had blocked me on instagram, and on facebook she avoided my messages. She had even friendzoned me in the past, did the universal women’s code for disinterest by not replying to any of my messages for a year, and the last time that she had breezed in acting like there was nothing wrong between us.., she acted like she and I talked daily for hours upon hours.., she played with my feelings before leaving as quickly as she came. Nothing new here. Just a universal female act and drama, since I am highly sensitive.., I felt the familiar meltdown and inner accusation begin. I wrestled with thoughts that insulted my lack of self restraint, I heard voices of painful condemnation that let me know that I should’ve known better with all my years of experiencing rejection. Rejection did not sit well with me.., it would be a thorn in my flesh and sting deep and hurt deep whenever my mind wished to torment me. Perhaps i’m in a war with finding love.

I should describe to you the dream. I remember it vaguely. But the message and the moral of it was clear, it was defeat. I was suffering defeat and rejection from her. If you know me, you should know well that I don’t take defeat well. I remember those who have defeated me, it’s like a curse.., even though Christ has helped me forgive them.., I can’t easily forget those in whose presence I suffered embarrassment, shame and disgrace. As a man, I would avenge my losses.., I had to struggle with such feelings in my faith and force myself to let it go. What I loved about Christ was that, He helped me see that my inner problems were far more greater than the problems of the world and far more dangerous and deadly than all the celebrities, famed ones and writers.

I have no clue as to what triggered me to dream about her. I remember that week well, my faith had just overcome a deadly fear of facing murderous henchmen as I preached the gospel. All day long I would be bombarded by these images, it felt like I was drowning in them and the voices would condemn me about my fears, and about my lack of courage.., and they would whisper that they knew that I was afraid to die for Christ. No matter how strong I attempted to make myself courageous, I lost heart.., because all my life I’ve been afraid of pain, of suffering, of falling victim to poverty, of losing my parents to an accident.., and to many horrors that were all too common in my world. But I remember the LORD just transferring a strange sense of inner burning within me. I was burning and burning within myself, in my heart and just on fire for Christ. I witnessed people drawn to the Gospel and it felt surreal.. how was it possible in this town brimming with strong inner tensions and spiritual evils..? It felt like the fire was living within me made the gospel become more truer than human understanding and affirmations could confirm. I started to receive incredible dreams, many of them were prophetic..,revealing things about my life and calling that I did not wish to be true.

The Lord was again asking me stop longing after her. Believe me when I say to you that I tried to forget her.., I really really did.. but not really. No disrespect to the Lord.., but I couldn’t understand what that even meant. For three years I had stayed pure, moral and single. Despite a bit of fame, I was a saint in my public life, I resisted temptation and ran away from fair maidens in an attempt to please God and to reveal to Him that I was serious about Him this time. I still struggled with lusts in my personal life, but I never gave up in my vision to become more and more Godly. She seemed to initiate in me a delight and joy that I didn’t have a reference to compare it to. I fell for her three years before in a way that I had not done in my entire life, and believe me I’ve fallen many times into empty one sided infatuations. I knew that the Lord’s sharpness of language was done more out of a protective instinct.., i’ve been around Him enough to sense that the deeper and the more deadlier the danger, the sharper His language becomes. I’ve picked up on nuances when i’m around Him.., He speaks a lot when He is still, silent and non-responsive. The Lord is my best friend, I’ve learned to trust Him and even love Him when He is angry and upset with me.., I love how passionate, zealous and possessive He is of me.. even though I pathetically suck at things like immediate obedience. I fail to satisfy Him, but He satisfies me more than words can ever comprehend.

The dream started with me in a place filled with busy people. The people around me felt like they were worldly, a theme that my spirit feels a deep seated unrest with. Since I could always sense that there was something wrong with the picture that I was forced to live in, and I grew always in a state of rattled nerves and disturbed confusion of the world around me. She was there.., I refuse to say her name since it triggers intense longings,wishes and dreams. But she was there.. Perhaps the whole dream was indicative of why she said no to me. I have mistakenly and accidentally tied the knot to somebody for whom I feel nothing, and I am overcome with sorrow at my choice. She meanwhile is stronger than my emotional dilemma, she is stronger to push herself to reach professional success.., I feel like the visual scene despite being hazy was a mixture of college energy and professional glory.., and I could sense another character as well.., a character who possessed her, it was not love.., but it was more of a symbol of belonging. She belonged to him.., he had her wrapped in his fingers despite her fiery, independent nature. And as the reality sinks into me, I break down in shame and defeat. I shudder with my hands above my head in tears, and nobody pays me any notice in this scene. As a fan of Jung, I can read much into the yearnings,the themes and the way that they play out. But I’m convinced that this means that she is trouble. Trouble for my spirit, trouble for my heart and trouble for my mind. I had to abort all of my longings for her that were spawning endless stories, poems and dialogues that I wrote like scripts.. memorizing their ability to transport me to an imaginary confrontation with her.

I woke up feeling melancholic, irate and fully clear about what that dream conveyed, even though I hadn’t discovered the words to explain it yet. I initially struggled to hastily speak this dream to a Gifted Dream interpreter, since the Lord has not enabled that gift within me much to my hurt and pain. I get dreams though, every now and then, it feels like the Lord does not me to become a vision interpreter, or a seer.., and I struggle to deal with that. But I guess it’s okay, even though it’s not. If only I could do something about it, if only I could.

I still remember running into her for the first time. I was just recovering from alcoholic addiction and desperately wanted to stay away from temptation. It was on one of those short story sites, I wrote haunting, melancholic and incomplete stories brimming with passion, love and sadness. I wrote what I struggled to let go. I wrote what saddened me about people that I knew who lived with broken spirits, and I wrote to console other lost souls struggling with similar themes. Believe it or not, my writing was far better then. No, seriously it was.. I had had a dramatic encounter with Jesus Christ, and that had flipped me over upside down, all the fears that had bound me and destroyed me inwardly were asked to leave. I knew that they were fallen spirits, evil to their core.. Who belonged to a realm that the non spiritual eye and mind could not see. The Bible was the only way through which people understood the reality of these dark, hideous beings who worked for lucifer, they enjoyed destroying a man through his mind. I have literally been near the shore of madness, I have stared at myself through the eyes of madness, I know well that only Christ rescued me from such a dangerous and dark evil. My Savior did incredible wonders for me, chiefly to my creative tools, He reminded me time and time again that my imagination, my love for words, stories and my love to understand people as stories came from Him. He even reminded me of His own style of speaking to people through parables the truths of Heaven.

Writing became easier for me because God’s presence in my heart, mind and soul was doing wonders for my creativity. His gift of a new spirit added newer dimensions to my thoughts, to my fertile imagination and to my human longings. My stories were vivid, deep, clear and less tormented.., but yet they were haunting since they spoke truthfully of the sadness of unfulfilled love. How ironic that one such story prompted her friendship..? I still can’t understand why she talked to me.., her friends..i.e her profile friends were well established artists, connoisseurs and craftsmen.. I was an unseen artist who lived for creative glory and art. I’ve often wondered if it was a deception sparked by the fallen ones done in order to remind me of my past blunders and romantic suffering or if it was an incident where I assumed that she was my God ordained muse, lover and wife. I tend to forget often that I am not attractive in some people’s eyes.., especially over an electronic space.., where millions of people portray parts and bits of them in order to draw, lure and attract souls in a revolting worship. It’s not easy for someone to really discover you in the way and intensity that you wish to be found.

I had written a tremendously upbeat tragedy of a love affair. I had utilized the settings to create emotional .. Much like Scorsese’s love for neighborhoods.., I painted a vivid picture of Madras.., and poured into it the longings of human beings beguiled and desperate for love, but often wounding seekers by rapidly retreating. The hero was a struggling writer, the heroine was an Anglo-Indian.., The writer’s friend has a thing for him, and it is her friend who is the heroine.., they are drawn to each other.., but being the rationalist that the heroine is she reasons everything.., and plays a dangerous game of engaging and disengaging the hapless hero, who struggles to find a muse, and a proper intuitive settings for his love. Much of it was from my own life obviously, the heroine character was someone that I had wrongly fallen for at a friend’s wedding. I never saw her again.. Ever. I wished to memorize and commemorate her intrusion into my life with a story that I had written over many many sad songs.

She waltzed in with her usual, girly feminism and joy. Sparkling a conversation that was overwhelming, unexpected and deeply useful for a recovering alcoholic, she revealed everything about herself on that first day. I am still surprised by how in control I was on that particular day, midway through our many hour long conversation…her joy at meeting a genuine artist had faded, my charm had faded and she slwoly began to realize that she was out of control. Reason entered, warnings entered, multiple news stories of creeps online entered her mind.., she freaked and got distant. I could swear to you that on that first day – she fell for me, that she fell in love with me. I might sound desperate, unreasonable and clingy but believe me it’s true. But after that something changed. She never opened up, I wondered rationally if she felt that she didn’t wish to lead me on, I wondered if it was something about how I looked in my online profile, or was it some feminine danger radar that had alerted her.. I didn’t know. By then I had flung my well reasoned control out, and started to become more honest with her.. I would have to wait for hours to get her online, and when she was there she was distant.., aloof, detached.. She didn’t open up.., she spoke briefly and left. There would be occasional signs of life.., a post of mine would get liked.., or she would send some song suggestion on Facebook directly to my messenger.., but after that again the deafening silence would continue… how we had vibed together as people the first time never happened another time.. I could sense her longings, her desires.., but yet again the block was there….I would send non creepy messages well stretched over a space of time, well stretched over months.., and again her defense was impregnable. Something was up. I started to divert my mind, I had been down this road one too many times before, I was on the brink of eternity.. I didn’t wish to fall back into the pit from which the Lord had saved me from. Because I knew with spiritual discernment that it always ended up in the same romantic hell – unfulfilled agony and endless inner hurt. I wanted to protect myself and take myself out of the situation. Because I knew so many souls who were still chasing something they believed was true a million years ago. This was the real ugly nature of female interaction, they start more doubts than calm one’s fears.

After many months and months of shame, defeat and hurt. I walked down to the Lord and asked Him to help me. Can you believe that..? I had forgotten all about my best friend the whole time on this one issue alone and run down yet another fruitless rabbit hole..? How absurd and idiotic. From His comforting side, I stared down into my choice and realized how blind I had been to all the danger signs. I finally allowed myself to be still and comforted myself with my Lord, I was not wrong for believing in something true, noble and beautiful between two human souls.. People are more calculated when it came to matters of the human heart, let’s just say that I believed in it with more innocence, truth and effort.

So that’s the whole deal.. but hey this could’ve happened to anyone right..?

The Optimist and the Dreamer – Short fiction

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Some of us live the ordinary life..,While some of us dream and create a world within a world to live in…and that’s okay.., nobody is spared quite really.., none can escape the dreariness of life or her sordid despair.., Hanka was such a girl.., she always did what was asked of her.., she fought through the ugliness of life.., studied hard.., learned to not pay heed to the ugly stares.., learned to escape the tyranny of a toxic realm.. Did things the right way.., Followed God.., lived life with faith.., obeyed in perfection what the Bible mandated.. Hanka was the type of person who went to heaven.., Hanka was the type of person who was promoted for her hard work.. Hanka was the type of person who put food on the table for her kids even if it meant waking up early for twenty years in a row.., Hanka was the type of person who looked out for people.., she did not befriend.., she helped.., managed professional duties with ease.., looked after a family.., She lived by the book.., perfected the system and was fruitful.., blessed and hope filled. For her faith was more than just feeling.., it was something to live upto despite the struggles, the wrestles and the down falls. She knew what faith promised and she walked towards that with unswerving hope. Hanka was an emblem of hope.., She always got through whatever was bothering her.., she conformed because it was right, just and demanded from the Bible. Hanka believed in rules and did not offer grace without believing that the person would someday change. But hanka had a huge heart.., she dealt compassionately with those who were poor.., sick.., hurt and down.., Hanka was just the type of person who believed that doing things the right way meant that it was more loving.., more better and wasn’t it what the Lord desired..? Hanka always spent her money on buying stuff for her family.., she came second.., she loved it more to help others. Hanka was always forgotten.., though she went to great lengths to buy stuff for other people…, to do extravagant things for other people.., she was always treated like she was ordinary.., like the things that she was doing for other people did not change their hearts. But Hanka strived forward.., hurt but bold.., determined to do what had been required of her from the start by a mysterious God who was everywhere but appeared like he was nowhere to be found.

Saul was the type of person who wondered whose side God was on in a personal conflict. Saul was the type of person who stayed awake in order to feel inspiration.., Saul was the type of person who stayed awake because he wished to be closer to his inner voice.., to what he could remember of his deepest and most soulful longings.. Saul was the type of person who felt that the sky was an imitation of inner feelings.., Saul was the type of person who struggled with apologies since he did not wish a repeat of what had been done.., Saul was the kind who deeply understood the horrendous unpleasantness of everything.., he knew that people were homeless.., he knew that the girls who had left boyfriends married somebody different and ended up becoming more happy.., Saul also knew that he could not change anything.., He could never change people’s evil that resided deep in their hearts and cunningly deceived them much like the Serpent at Eden’s Garden.., he knew that people were always going to be poor.., he knew that chickens would be slaughtered for meat.., he knew that girls would be trafficked for prostitution.., he knew that animals in the jungle would be killed.., he knew that some were going to be abused.., raped.., molested.., hurt.., wounded.., bullied.., murdered…, hated for the color of their skin.., he knew that people were guilty of not being courageous enough to challenge the norms and moods of their time.., whatever the times were defined by people imitated and reflected.., he knew that people from the slums could never escape the cruelty of their upbringing.., he knew that people would be discriminated.. he knew these things because he could see deep into the heart of the world and see it’s lost state.., He was not just a dreamer.., he dreamt of better living conditions for everybody.., he dreamt of a world without poverty.., he dreamt of a world without hell.., He dreamt of a world without sin.., He dreamt of a world filled with meaning.., but sometimes Saul dreamt of other things.. of darkness.., He dreamt of never existing.., He dreamt sometimes of being the only conscious person in a world filled with robots.., He sometimes looked at himself in a mirror that he had a face.., a body and that people outside judged him based on how he spoke, acted and interacted with that body. Saul was the kind of person who had been hurt by love but still believed in it and attempted to control it because he did not wish to appear sappy, emotional and delusional. Saul had a soft soul.., he struggled to accept the blessings of his life because others seemed more vulnerable to the world’s beatings. Saul struggled to live.., he struggled to obey God.., He struggled to believe because each day he felt the attack of a world intent on breaking him apart.., Saul struggled with lust.., with greed.., with pride.., he struggled to commit fully to the Bible since sometimes he felt that it made a person too righteous that they forgot their weakness that made them love more deeply. Saul knew in his heart that the Bible was true.., he knew it with absolute conviction.., but he had never been a lover of rules.., he wanted to discover what made life tick.., setting the rules would mean that life became dull, uninspiring and too stable.., he wished to live in the way that he wanted to.., He wanted to be in control of his life. He was a free-spirit and he enjoyed freedom.

Saul did not look at things as right and wrong.., he did not appreciate the power of being right all the time since he believed in empathy more than righteousness which was a controversial stance to take since his views and opinions were laughed at and mocked by the religious of his day. Saul also believed that nobody would catch him if he were to fall.., he knew that nobody was running behind him.., nobody would desire him and if they did.. the moment they understood him they would leave.. Saul understood too that his own inner need to prove things to people sometimes broke and he succumbed to what made life easier since he couldn’t bear the pain of loneliness and also did not wish to bring pain to himself that others would talk about. Saul did not like it when anybody told him what to do.., because he believed that they didn’t understand what he was feeling on the inside., Saul was led by an intense spirit within himself, he did not like to discover weaknesses within himself.. they made him feel dejected, wounded and sad.., he wished to burst forward like a sparkling meteor on a black, silken night. Saul felt hurt that life had expectations on him.., that he would be audited for what he had done in his life.., and he couldn’t ever talk himself out of it.., No …Saul felt trapped in a world where everything was fixed in stone and he was stuck in it.

Confessions: Lost chances( Short fiction)

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‘ Is it your fault.., or was it mine..? Whom do I blame for this sorrow..?’
– Translated from a tamil song

The basketball court grew translucently vacant after eleven in September… September made you feel different in the city.., as a watcher of people I pick up on a lot, all cities have the same traffic.., the same zone defense of public roads.., the same feisty cops pulling up bikers with helmets…, but God has different layers to each month.., the trees lose more leaves.., there are a lot more winds.., the waves of marina are are more lustful of the shore.., loneliness is much deeper in the underground caves.., and the antisocial appears every now and then when things grow still after the din grows low… A man who knew loneliness sat here often hoping to absorb the energy of sane souls, I knew him as well although he and I don’t really talk much.. I get the sense that the world that he occupies does not allow entry of people who talked.., he was a sad soul.., lost to a world that was indifferent to his plight.., unkind to his homelessness and harsh to his presence.., can’t really blame him.., but I wanted him to pour his soul into mine and feel my warming fire.., I was not exactly normal either.., I was a misfit myself.., a loner who preferred a ball and an empty court to people… Friends in my life were people whom I knew but who never knew me.., I was too deep to be understood, I was too distracted by the world to conform to their demands and expectations which seemed silly and childish in my eyes.., I was a man who knew things before they happened and who saw things before they were perceived.., I was whatever place I absorbed and I was whoever people wished me to be. The Park drew in folks.., the park did not catch your attention immediately, you would pass it by and it would not invoke any sensation.., it was bare, plain and possessed no juicy vibe.., like a plain woman you passed her by.., and then you encounter them and you begin to know them and you get the sense that you were guilty of perhaps discrimination but you’re safe since it happened in the secretive layers of your mind…. but this park was where I in all of Madras city found myself drawn to.. Perhaps this would be my own dream theater of performance.., where I can be the heroic motif that I pick in my day dreams.., where I create a legacy for my own knowledge but unseen and unrealized by those who frequent this same place as me.

There was always a buzz on the basketball court.., the eager to flaunt players held hostage by their domineering coach.., the visitors who sat on the stone galleries to ponder life’s mysteries.., the middle aged uncles who rested their vertebrae after a back breaking walk around the park to burn off calories.., shady cats whose eyes glinted with the spirit of marijuana and who scowled and mocked everybody that their eyes could see.., homeless drunks who argued loudly and later slept soundly in the top stair of the stone gallery.., local flower men who sold threaded jasmine buds to middle class city bred ‘Iyer’ ladies who slept on the hard stone floor.., Fatigued auto-rickshaw men resting after a tiring day…The court was my kingdom.., and I imagined myself to be the king of my court.., and it was my job to realize with the eyes of the heart the souls that walked through the court.. I would attempt stories from what I felt when my heart touched upon their souls.. I would also try to place each person with a song that I would spend hours searching for.., or perhaps crystallize them with a poem..By nature I am distant since I could care less about the formality of mere connectivity.. I could not understand why people had to spend so much time getting acquainted.., I know the bad ones.., they always try to make you love them and they always try to puff you up.., the rest are a mystery that requires patient chopping .., my mind is always afar since I alienate myself from the usual.., but there is a music to each soul that one can listen if one listens closely.., a hidden tale buried within each layer.., and I was determined to discern and navigate through the darkness of being.

He was one of those middle aged men who enjoyed mere banter. He had a charming and disarming way of engaging you.., He and I shared the same lonely space for quite a period of months, I wanted him to find it in himself to dare break the invisible walls that people erected around themselves.., He approached me with praise, a great conversation starter.., he wanted to understand why anybody would choose a public park to practice after 11.30.., a place well known for antisocial scum, insane marauding hooligans on bikes and bloodthirsty wanderers… I responded by saying that I could say the same about him to a certain extent.., A spark glowed in the darkness of that court which was a well-known magnet for unfinished tales.., broken hearts and restless souls… He would generally do his circular walks around the park with a distracted look, he found the practice difficult but he still kept at it.., he was from a small town deep in the south.., his language contained the soul of the town that he was from. The people there probably spoke from their heart.., lacked cunning and were delightful of people.., maybe they lacked the sophistication of deeper understanding.., for a brief while we clicked. Our souls are thirsty for as much of earth that we can find.., for in eternity our souls will suffer uncertain fates depending on our choices. I knew that a soul’s relation to the revelation of Jesus would decide one’s eternity.., but in the here and the now all souls starved and hungered for love and want.. They had a funny way of expressing it since immaterial realities kept pressing against their conscious shores…, but it was there and you had to learn to handle the bitter reality of people and their incapability of knowing their presence and their actions on another soul.

I am a chamber full of secrets.., many souls speak what besets their soul into my depths.., they share their hurts which are often painful realities that still torment their inmost minds..,I seem to inspire their openness.., and I seem to inspire them to enter into my inner stillness to phrase in fleeting lucidity their inmost torments which always found a way to confound their lingual capabilities.., for the moment they could find the perfect, most honest, most soulful and most heartfelt way of narrating their lives in his presence.., it would finally lift off and decrease in its intensity.

He remembered the first time he saw her.., he had known since he was 8…, it was not her eyes, her appearance or her behavior that he noticed…, he noticed instead how his heart fluttered when she walked past him oblivious to the nuclear damage that she was wreaking on his simple soul. Over a period of time the feelings became mutual…, he was 14 by then.., and she 13.., they held hands on the long mud paths surrounded by rice fields and sugar cane fields that led to their homes when nobody was watching.., he climbed trees to pluck mangoes for her and.., wrote her I love you hundred times… their love blossomed over the years.., he came from a conservative system.., multiple social walls stood in his way.., she was from another caste.., he belonged to another.., religion spoke about how he belonged higher.., but his heart could see no such reality.., his heart wanted her more intensely as the years progressed.., they promised each other multiple times that they would find each other no matter how far they got.., that the other would wait if something were to happen.., but as fate would have it education brought him to the chaotic city of Madras.., he would call her many times.., but there were no mobile phones back then.., the timing had to be perfect.., her Father owned a goods store and he would be out by 7 in the morning.., her mother was always at home.., but went at 2 pm to the temple for half an hour.., that would be their time.., even if her mother returned.., she would act as though the phone call was between her friends.., but one time her mother stayed back and long story short got wind of what was happening.., they beat her so bad that she swore to never contact him again.., but she was lying.., how can emotions such as love end in the face of adversity.., it is the very soil that it blooms and flourishes in.., he promised her that he would come back for her the moment he got a job.., but her parents got her married before he could make good on his promise.., marrying her off to some businessman…, heartbroken he wept, cried and wandered in sorrow and despair.., the years passed, he tried to forget her but to no avail.., how could someone forget someone who had inhabited his inmost being..? Who had loved him with a love all her own..? How could he overcome that which only made him linger.., stay and wander in a world of inner hurt..? He grieved like a man who knew not how to survive in a world devoid of his sweetheart.., he could not bear the thought of her in the arms of another man.., he could not bear another possessing her…, love was never meant to be shared by a third party.., Never.., His parents sensing his woe married him off to a proper Madras girl.., he hid his sorrow and began to live for his future.., family.., responsibility.., he had become so possessed by this intense hurt in his heart that he struggled to love his wife fully.., even though he had gotten over the deadly blow.., he could never forget his first love.., he shared this to me over a period of time and I listened as I always did like my life depended on it.., funny how strangers heal wounds that one’s own efforts seldom seem to. I know that the good Lord placed me on this planet to heal people, He did the healing.., I just had to reach out to the souls.., and I always could find them no matter how they hid their wounds.

I did my best to console him.., I spoke nothing .. there was nothing that I could say that would reach the inmost depths of him and pull him away from what he felt, I only listened and allowed my silence to do the healing.., I allowed my warmth to speak what I couldn’t.., what could I say..? I only felt myself grow sad.., there was a certain amount of sadness that this court seemed to attract…, I was a lost soul myself.., but I knew that Jesus healed.., you just had a sense for these things that was more than reason oriented.., I understood his moral reality.., He was married.., had kids in school and was a normal functioning member of society now.., but he would forever remember the lost chance.., and what could you do about it in this wild jungle..? Love more deeply..? Take more chances..? Marry for love..? I didn’t have a clue.., all I knew was that life moved on.., I had more souls to meet and more stories to glean. But what I encounter and see will always bleed within me.

Thoughts of a Skeptical Christ lover

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To live out the faith in action means to painfully come to the conclusion that faith can only be carried forward through the amount of Christ we allow into our lives, Realizing the dire necessity of faith demands that often times through desperation we grieve at the ungodliness still living in our hearts, it means to carry on in the face of relentless agitation, discouragement and immense frustration… Becoming Christ like sometimes means that you realize how Un-Christ-like human nature truly is, you see it working against every creation of God in your flesh, your mind and yourself…, you find it contending ferociously against wanting the life of God in the human realm…, you find it creating the many rifts, confusions and anguish in faith building… Faith is the end of us and the beginning of God. I’ve realized that becoming like Christ is more like climbing up a steep mountain than lying by a stream and slumbering in peace, we keep pushing forward no matter how we feel.

 

It is faith that helps one see past the mess of one’s life and into the murky future of salvation, our lives always made to feel like a tremendous underperformer in its achievements of the things of God. I find that faith becomes tremendously hard when I take control of how things are supposed to be going.., supposing I walk up to a medical shop and the service provider has a nasty attitude, or a limited and haughty impersonal sense which would no doubt get on my nerves since I can absolutely absorb their entire emotional chemistry and feel it suppressing my own Christ offered Joy… Worse yet, I find it painful and hurting to my own inner person to the point where I struggle to comprehend the mean

spirited nature of that person, and furthermore I am engulfed in the bitter reactions of my own personality, I despise how easily I am available to such deep emotional harm in the hands of people whose heartlessness has become such second nature that they don’t care about other people and their feelings, or realize the enormous amount of damage that they bring to another person’s heart. I am then commanded to offer forgiveness to the individual who has unwittingly unlocked and wounded me, I am commanded by God to love that person and chief of all, I am commanded by God to not have a pattern of behavior that calls

for me to avoid that person at all costs or vent it all out by means of rumors or gossips. I struggle with God about almost all of His rules, I deeply appreciate their profound wisdom and beauty, I enjoy performing the easier ones…, but it’s the hard ones that I struggle with.., it’s the ones that too often than not unveil and unmask my own insecurities, inferiority and lack of humility that I get offended by…, I get offended by how the Bible can point out my hypocrisy at all times and I can do nothing about it, I have to sit there and deal with the offense with my limited understanding of forgiveness and repentance…, and chief of all, I have to truly wonder at the unrealistic and superhuman demands that Faith constantly

asks of us…, You can say that I have trouble following Christ, and the moment I doubt one segment of Him.., the entire Faith structure collapses.., the moment I get angry at God.., I withdraw from Him.., the moment I backslide, fall into lustful temptations, become bitter, resentful, hostile and remorseless about my mistakes.., I am separated from God…, and very often I feel as though God does not care enough about talking to me.., I don’t hear Him asking me to come back.., all I hear are the Bible verses that I get upset about.., ” Depart from me you evildoers..’ I hear that verse quite often in my mind, the response to that verse is most often.., I would gladly choose Hell over a God who does not understand the depths of my pain, my trials, my tribulations and my desperation in satisfying Him…, If I am cast

into a burning lake of eternal fire and torment over a Sin un-confessed, or committed against a Holy God…, How can I have peace in my walk of faith..? How..? How am I supposed to satisfy a God that I can never ever fully satisfy..?

 

Atleast in my estimation ie.

I realize that I don’t have the answers, but I have also learned that the very God that I feel like running away from is the only person in this entire Universe who loves me more than I deserve to be loved.., those are pretty strong reasons to blindly love somebody and do what they say and want.

 

But then again, I am not angry at God.. He has never done anything wrong in regard to me.., He is hard to satisfy, but those are complications that arose from Man’s fall in the garden and indwelling sin and other theological complications, but He does not treat me as my sins deserve,He never ever has and He never ever will… It is me that I get the most upset about. I complicate things by doing things that I know, that I absolutely know have destruction inherent in them.., but I still end up doing them.., as a matter of fact, I have repeated certain forbidden sins to a point where my conscience has stopped warring with my desires…, I no longer feel guilty when I do them.., it is after that I do them that the pain starts.., the hurt begins, followed by unbearable anguish and shame and the reaping begins…, I get affected by such bouts that I get tremendously discouraged and upset I have to humble myself, I have to repent of things that very often I feel like doing everyday, but the Bible warns me of the inherent dangers …, I have to discipline myself harshly.., I have to stay away from certain things…, avoid certain people.., limit myself greatly.., I sigh inwardly.., If only I could be free enough to not worry about sin, evil and God’s Judgment at all times, a dreamer can dream.., that world lays beyond this world. But I know that God has His reasons for

turning me this way and they are always, and I mean always for my complete wellbeing

and good.

 

I load up my hard disk to the tv, I connect it to the usb socket in the side and wait patiently for it to be read by the Tv’s computing system…, Televisions are so complicated these days, they’ve got so many different functions, so many different features…, I enjoy the upgrades since it essentially means that I get total control of programs… I have always disliked advertisements and the brainless trash that is loaded on televisions. The USB feature is enormously helpful to my early morning routines of reading and writing…, because I essentially love listening to sermons as I write.., they inspire and bring out the best in me…, I play Basketball highlights and analyze players and the way the teams play…, I play specific

movies over and over again…, I enjoy specific movies for the sophisticated manner in which they engage my emotions and make ordinary stories into unforgettable dreams that I vicariously relish and live through.., engaging me and my repressed desires of authorship, pastoring and Godly serving… I get the startup screen as soon as I press play the media button on my remote…, I go to the video option and select the Jesus Freak folder.., I spend a few minutes listening to Jonathan Welton, and then some over excited seminary studen beams and gushes about Jonathan Edwards, I find myself getting offended when Christ’s

followers gush and idolize Calvin, Edwards and other Christian greats…, I understand their love.., it stems from the author’s immense grasp of the disarray and the muddle of life, of the intricacies of the Believer’s life.., and their profound realizations of faith that no doubt intoxicate and thrill…, I myself have worshipped the likes of Literary greats in the past.. Jack Kerouac, Anais Nin, Thomas Wolfe, Virgina Woolf and others…, but in Christ, I find my love for rich story tellers and gifted individuals reduced to wonder and appreciation.., but it has not extended to worship.., since God has taken me further in a certain way…, I settle on a video by Cindy Jacobs, noted intercessor and Prayer Warrior…, now I am a bit of a Prayer freak myself.., I have lived and lived in prayer and bowed knees.., I love praying and I love people who teach me how to pray… I have been reading possessing the gates of the enemy by Cindy and I felt like watching her for a little while.., I love deeply passionate and intense men and women of God.., I love people who are like me, but also show me who I can become if I have the right amount of prayerfulness and sincerity…, She has an African American brother on her show, and I turn up the volume at this point.., I am multi tasking as usual…

Torn between reading Out of the Devil’s Cauldron by John Ramirez and The Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac…, I have this genius idea to teach the kids at work some lessons of foundation as it pertains to Creativity so I have this notepad open and I have jotted down a few ideas…, another document lies open.., a promising story of a sensitive man has reached a few paragraphs.., but in the midst of such creative anguish, I hear the African American brother whom i’ll call Joe speak about “how his efforts of living the Christian life only made him become a professional Christian”.., at this point I am both bemused since I understand more than one can say and also get discouraged slightly assuming that there are an infinite number of spiritual diseases that can arise in faith and that I can never personally know them all…, I walk close to the television set(You will be surprised by how many revelations I have gotten at this time of the hour).., ‘He spoke about how miserable he felt while he was living that way, He did not want to witness to others about God since he did not want them to be as miserable as he was’. I enjoy it when people talk honestly about their struggles, because that is when I am able to comprehend my own faith.., I think that I caught this attitude from my Father who has helped me a great deal in dealing with spiritual failure by sharing much of his own. The speaker then talked about how God in a moment of inspiration told him that He(God) was never about religion, He was all about relationship and personal intimacy and love.., he had forgotten that and had started living the faith with personal effort…, Wow.., at this point.., I am like, who even speaks out about such complex deviations from the faith with such heartwarming honesty and openness…? I feel the brother’s confession help with my own self inflicted misery and grief.., Strangely I feel relieved and even hopeful.

 

I see God speaking to me often through my love for my dog.., I make sure that I spend a lot of time with my dog and with my garden…, and when I do so I find robust swelling up of emotions within, I feel God patiently enriching me with floods of thoughts borne out of His love for me… I like to find specific things about Him(God) because I am endlessly in love with Him and wish to know things about Him that others have failed to observe, notice and catch on to… Back to my doggy…I love her so much and the best part is that I don’t have to

understand it, I don’t have to subject it to experience driven, skeptical analytics of my mind or understand the confusions of the heart in regard to each individual no matter how appealing or put offing they are… With dogs, it’s like they enjoy your enjoyment of them… It’s that simple and that complex.. Whatever I offer gets turned back to me in canine delight, joy and endless warmth and affection…. I often see myself in my dog…, woofing away at every person outside the gate as a threat to the universe and it’s balance…, repeatedly performing the same meaningless mistakes over and over again, often times out of a lack of better things to do…, scowling away at my rebukes and punishments but immediately

returning to me because of her delight in me…, I see a lot of myself in my dog.., and I see a lot of God’s relationship in my own side as Master… Having her to a great degree has helped me enjoy the faith as a beautiful relationship with a Supernatural, omniscient, all knowing Creator who finally gets my maniacal determination to prove things, who understands the sensitive soul and the complicated sinner, who enjoys my delight of Him…, Whose watchfulness and dogged determination to bring the best out of me oftentimes gets me immensely frustrated to the point where I swear that I don’t have the same worldly independence that I once gained by rebellion and rejection of my parents and what I considered to be their archaic beliefs and values, Independence that I used to do whatever I wished to do, be it in doing drugs and finding ot new ways of bringing out experiences as I wrote, or be it in playing basketball until daylight broke the passion fuelled dream of

determination…, God seems stronger and more powerful than anyone I’ve ever met…, I know that I can’t see Him.., but it’s like I can’t avoid or run as far away from Him as I can…, I can’t sin in peace, and I can’t feel proud about shouting at somebody, or thinking unloving thoughts to my sister or towards my mother…, I can’t do those types of things anymore.., I am not under surveillance, although the Bible does speak about it.., our lives are being recorded for God’s day of Judgment.., but I see it as living with the presence of God.., and He makes me into a person that I have always longed to be, but I never had the power to be…,

Christ gives me the power to be the person that I speak about passionately in my rants against society and life. Christ gives me the strength to be what I could never be when I controlled my life, Christ makes me the best that I can ever be, and He is not finished with me.., I am still being corrected, rebuked and disciplined behind closed doors and I am still learning how to obey a Perfect God who has no weaknesses, chiefly I am learning how to enjoy it without being discouraged constantly by it if I am brutally honest.

 

I am surprised by this side of God…, I get tremendously upset with the strict, legalistically bound, rule oriented God that I see throughout the scriptures that most redeemed sinners giggle in glee about.., I just can’t see myself being forced into anything.., I have always resisted control of myself immensely…, I have had a great deal of trouble in the past with accepting authority figures in my own life to the point of tremendous rebellion and outright rejection of their rule over my life.., but I have grown the most in difficult places because I enjoy challenges, and I deeply enjoy learning how to adjust to a place considered painful, difficult and impossible to live in…, but all my accomplishments I credit to my one and

only Savior, whose feet I am not fit to touch, much less clean.

 

I have to wonder if these incredibly loving thoughts are directed at me or I wonder if they are the byproduct of my own intense imagination..? Being the skeptic that I am is a surprising paradox for many folks, because on one end I have a robust, joy filled expressive proclamation of faith in my areas of service to others…, but in the other end where I am … I struggle routinely with the darker levels of human existence.., with unanswered prayers.., with poverty, destitution, pain, suffering, evil in all it’s forms and types…, I get disillusioned by my own failures and shortcomings in the spiritual life, I get hurt by harsh sermons often.., I get hurt by people at work and at home…, I get hurt that I am caught up in a

complicated situation that takes away 90% of my independence, underpays me and forces me into a situation where I have to humble myself greatly in order to serve God and this service is often overlooked, criticized, gossiped about and thrown aside in haughty indifference…, the remaining ten percent of my independence comes at such a heavy heavy cost, that it harms the soul, disturbs the mind and wounds the spirit…and I have people preaching sermons to me all the time about stuff that they have never ever done in their own lives. You can say that the life of a budding, Evangelist is harder than what most people expect.

 

But I move forward, knowing in my heart that serving God is my one dream and desire.., In my life I’ve had many many dreams.., a few dreams I have pursued maniacally, I have been obsessed with a few, determined above all things to achieve certain goals that I have set for myself and the pressures that accompany them…, but all those dreams and passions wait by the sides…, looming like forgotten burial stones… buried and forgotten, whilst I pursue Christ and surrender and sacrifice things daily for Him…, through this tremendous struggle I find peace, calm, purpose and a deeper meaning for life than most have dared to ask or find…, I am blessed with many gifts, loved beyond comparison and thankful and humbled to enjoy what truly matters in this life above the mad rush of the world in it’s hollow, empty pursuits.

 

I’ve come to realize that the Holy Scriptures are far bigger than just immediately dealing with the complexity of our fallen nature and it’s immense disgust towards Holiness, righteousness and Salvation… I’ve seen the Scriptures speak more to me than just right living.., they have spoken to me for hours about questions that I have struggled with, communicated Godly vibrations to me, increased my spiritual joy, improve and deepen my creative urges and passions, and have increased my level of connectivity to the immediate world of the town with it’s rude participants who scowl and mock the things of God and are often so full of inner strife and turmoil that they take yours away as well. But it is in this very place of my great suffering that I find the utmost joy in serving…, often times I am surrounded by people who know how to present themselves, and know the nitty witty dynamics that comes with knowing how to network.., they mingle with so many people that personal touch, genuineness and an authentic relationship with people are overlooked…, they are in a mad rush, the demands placed on them have made them cynical, controlling, authoritative and quite frankly often times unbearable to live with, I am reminded constantly of why I don’t want to be like them.., but I can’t fault them though, we all have our downsides.., I ain’t one to judge.. Never have, Never will.

 

I’ve see the words of the Bible increase resistance, rebelliousness and defiance from my inner self just because it wishes to teach me the correct ways, and often times helps me see how little my perceptions are in regard to truth, and Godliness.., I always resort to defensive reactions when I feel my own independence of thought, action and life threatened, but I guess I have learned to look past them.., and when I have I have discovered stuff that has taught and educated me. God is quite cool and unpredictable; I love Him more when He is

mysterious.., I don’t like it when I feel Him teaching me absolute truths with absolute rawness.., I guess I mistake it for power when most often it is love, concern, care and consideration… I guess I would like delicateness and empathy, but I guess He teaches me those things in order for me to become a much better steward and servant… All my thoughts lie bare before Him.., He influences and inspires so many thoughts through His spirit that I can’t claim any for my own.

 

He is pretty mysterious, let’s just get that out there.

 

I hate living next to others, everything that you say can be taken out of the context of your own journey, and sometimes ends up pumping up their own exaggerated sense of their egos and stories which they claim are true, whilst they lament about stories that they have “suffered” for…, I dislike lies and exaggeration.., I dislike people who speak stories that are just exactly what they are – stories conjured up to present their personal greatness and awesomeness.

 

The more I listen to them, and spend time with them, the more I find out how

Liars can really sell others stories with make believe emotional theatrics…, all my stories of my personal struggle, suffering and pain lose their meaning when the guy next to me fails to understand what I mean and instead latches on to his own story using mine as a foundation of how he struggled in the face of tremendous poverty…, subtle competition is what I feel in those cases.., envy, jealousy and strife…, the Bible was not wrong to say that our desires constantly arouse jealousy and anger…, but I struggle with the same desires…, God gives me victory over them and I have learned to humble myself even when my story turns up in

other’s lives as supposed life stories of their own.., I guess God has a purpose for

these things as well…, before I write an entire Novel.., I guess that I have to

stop…, I can hear the early morning crows caw questioningly.., and the flickering

sounds of human beings awakening.., I guess that’s my cue to wind up and

close… and sleep.

 

Until next time Brothers and Sisters in Christ, Stay strong, the battle belongs to the Lord.

 

May the Lord be with you and keep you.

 

Empath’s Chronicles

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Young things have a mind all their own.. They really really do.

I always love when movies start. I really really do… It gives off a great sense of adventure and promise… Movies to me are like people,  I am wired to believe that they never end, similarly I assume that people are going to fade away in a form that does not involve pain and suffering …. The movie business, boy do I have a load of thoughts on that topic… I just hate how the movie business only wants the bodies and talents of individuals…  It wants the bodies of beautiful women to further our depraved imaginations into thinking that when they engage in lasciviousness,  it is for our pleasure… I find this vicarious thrill sickening in my imperfect yet renewed heart which has submitted itself to the Lord… I think old people choose young people to marry bcos they want the illusion of being young in some warped, twisted way. I don’t like it when that happens, it’s sick and revolting even though people pretend that it’s all normal and okay.. But then again so many things are far from being okay.

I think that people pay professional shrinks just to hear them talk without interrupting… People get so used to hearing the same things that they stop listening.

Why do people pretend like they have it all together?  Isn’t life going to snatch everything away?  Job, parents, kids.. Wife…!!  And yet they pretend like they know what’s about to happen next?   
It’s all about money in this town..  Survival…  Money.. Rent.. Bills… These are the true realities..  True love..  Soulmates – These don’t exist … They really don’t. God exists though and boy am I glad that I never get tired of Him!! 

Why do people grow up and become so cold and lonely?  Why do women control so much of our interactions?  I hate how much I re-read conversations with women in different voices and emotions trying to decipher some hidden clue of inference that will supposedly be an  “eternal treasure and joy”

Why does it hurt to be vulnerable? How can I switch off this feeling of being absolutely vulnerable at all times?   The older I get the more I see things differently.. Why do people desire each other..?  We all get tired of each other anyway..  don’t we?  What does last in this life then? 

I hate how all that people see are faces..  What about my heart?  My soul? Is your vision only limited to my vision?  I guess that the Lord is going to talk to me when He truly wishes to.. Or when He really wants to…  I don’t mind His approach.. I just want Him to talk to His favorite kid, on this side of the ocean..!  Why can’t I save all the sick, dying and broken people in this world Lord?  All the homeless animals?  All the poor people losing their minds..?  Why can’t I stop war?  Crimes? Poverty?    Prostitution, human negligence?  Trafficking ?  murder ?  merciless killings? 

I hate how forgiveness turns back the blame on myself and checks my conscience and wonders in invisibility about the relative state of all things and about our own inability to be absolutely clean and pure , People say the meanest things when they are angry… they really do…!  

I can’t understand how comfortable people are in who they are…  don’t they have fears?  Insecurities?  Timidity?  Shyness?  I’m seriously beginning to wonder how people can feel so confident when at anytime anything can happen!!  I hate what death does to a person…  I hate how it tears open a person’s soul with grief.. And brings the great treacherous injustice of the world into our hearts as we struggle against its vicious and vile might..! 

My mom doesn’t understand a thing about WiFi or the internet or what an Android app means…  and sometimes I laugh at her like it all means a lot, I hate it when I laugh at my mother…  I don’t deserve such a lazy and careless act..  She sweat blood, sweat and tears for me…  She clothed me… Placed my life before her…  what selfishness has my heart to laugh when my mom hides what her generation has trouble comprehending?  How cruel can I be? 

I feel sorry for people a lot…  I really do,  I just cry for them…  I hurt for them…  I pray for them…  the good Lord made my heart to be open and not closed to the world and it’s sufferings. I struggle in weakness against the might of my high sensitivity…  But the Lord has crafted me to bring Glory to Himself. I write stories about girls with whom I had chances with, or spent my life around with but never personally clicked… but they later found someone else.. And I roar and heave with all my anguish and mature sadness even as my pen weaves grand feel good dramas when my heart was broken so many times by decade old infatuations…!

I studied in this college where I felt invisible, where I was invisible… Nobody talked to me, it didn’t matter to them if I would’ve died right before their very eyes they still would’ve been so enamored of their great significance and privileges…  No girl ever opened her heart to me when u was there… I longed so deeply and lovingly towards my muses who were happily oblivious of my affections… I was always forgotten…  sometimes when I laugh at my ma and tease her I remember the pain of being made to feel all of that, and I grow angry at myself and start cursing myself. I still remember how much I hated myself… I can’t be like those flaky, pretensive scoundrels to my ma… She means the world to me.

A silly infatuation – A short Poem

Standard

I’m reaching out for a hand that I can’t see,
I’m tired of waiting in the dark.
Why am I waiting here..? Expecting you to show up…?
I am surprised to say this,
But I sincerely having nothing to say,
Okay, I am technically talking to myself,
I have not let you know,
I have not said anything to you because I know the
answer, I know how these things work,
I am quite an expert at the one sided variety of romantic delusion.
Whenever I take an attempt,
I find emptiness greet me, I find eyes and hearts not meant to see me
treat my fucking life devouring passion like cold tea,
For once in my life I want someone who truly needs me,
I am tired of staring into invisible walls and unseen thoughts preoccupied with people other than me,
I seriously want to stop wasting my time,
You have taken all the strength from my soul,
but I find that you are gone, I am here only chasing a version of you created by me,
So I guess it’s time to switch off the light to this favorite hobby of mine,
because you are breaking me just a little every time I feel something for you, or think about you, or think without strings attached of having you in my life,
It’s a sad thing that I have loved you with every bit of my heart, but to you I am nothing but someone so desperate that he is not ashamed of being embarrassed by it,
Well so I guess this is goodbye, because I find every reason to feel inspired by you,
every stray thought of you is treated by me as a voice from the universe telling me to
get with you,
But I am then forced to realize that it is but a lousy, reckless dream,
Nobody puts their hearts on the line anymore, people choose comfortable versions to spend the rest of their lives with, I guess so have you,
So I am closing this door with pain, Dear infatuation,
Take care of her, I don’t want to see her live her life,
because I wouldn’t be able to handle it,
I am moving on with denial and repression, so thank you
and Goodbye.