A thousand years – Short fiction

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How can you be so sure..? I asked her
How can I be the one..? I don’t have a job… how will I take care of you..? I am afraid of taking you outside because I am fearful that something might happen to you.., I sleep in the mornings, I work with people who use me, I I call myself a writer, an artist and a anguished soul but the truth is that I can never write without feeling pain.., I am afraid that I am not who I say I am.., I am afraid to see myself without the talents that I have been so obsessed with for so many years that I am afraid to see myself in the way that everybody else sees me.., as somebody who should’ve given up and just did something that brought in money.., All my life I’ve only been tormented by appearing less than what I have always presumed about myself. I’m a wounded soul , I am afraid of hurting you by treating you normally, ordinarily.., what if we grew tired of each other..? Bored of each other..? What if your feelings for me will change..? What if you suddenly meet somebody more dashing.., handsome and more worthy of you..? Please don’t settle for a loser like me.., I begged her again.

She said, Come one step closer.
I have waited for you, I know the man of my dreams when I see him, hear him talk and spend time with him.., I have saved my heart for you through the rain, through the fire, through the storm.., I know that its going to be hard, we might fight.., we might even not talk.., but I promise to love you through all of that, I promise to die trying.., I don’t want you to be happy Joseph.., I know that I can never do that, I am here to complete you and I want you to complete you.., we can work around your fears, your worries and your precious scars baby.., I have my own.., maybe they can make us love each other deeply..? Truly..? More truthfully..? She said with such tender emotion, I felt my resistance melting, my heart beginning to wonder, dare I say even hope..?

I don’t deserve you.., I don’t.., I have nothing.., you hear me.., I am an undeserving, stubborn, bone headed jerk who always receives unfair luxuries.., I’d much rather choose a life of misery, strain and constant pain than to make you lose hope in me.., because that is what will happen when you live with me sweetheart.., It will probably crush me to see you with somebody else.., but at the very least they can give you the life that you deserve.., You’re worth so much more than wasting your life with me and for me.., I can’t allow you to throw away your chances and your life.., you deserve the best.., you deserve great things, good things.., wonderful things.., I am just a magnet for hardships, pains and suffering.., don’t come near me.., please.., please go.., I begged her, pleading with her.

‘ But can’t you see..? That you are denying me of something that I had to wait patiently for over 25 years..? I didn’t ask for perfection Joe.., I asked for love.., I asked for a man who would love me, stay with me, want me, build a life with me.., I know that you are the one.., do you have any idea of the long nights of prayer that I had to do in order to draw you into the realm of my life..? Do you have any idea of the self control that I had to exert to wait for you..? The people that I had to avoid..? I love you baby.., I love who you are.., I love the wholeness of you.., I am not looking for perfection, I just want to be connected to the other half of my soul…, I just want somebody whom I can love without fear, without doubt and without care.., I want.., I want..

Yes.., yes.., I wanted her to say those words that I had been waiting to hear. But as I tried to lean closer to her, I felt her retreating, moving from me.., her flesh becoming like splashing waves.., her eyes melting like sapphire candles.., I felt my head hit something ‘ thwack’.., I opened my eyes and realized that it had all been but a romantic dream. Grrr#

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I am what I see – Poem

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I am what I see,
I will speak what I see and you should listen without interrupting.
For you cannot know me from what you see on the outside..,
I am finding my way through what I see..,
I am finding a way through what I hear..,
I am finding a way through what I feel..,
What I see and hear ends up becoming what I feel,
What I feel ends up becoming my response to reality..,
What is my reality ends up becoming my ideas.., my thoughts and my feelings.
I imagine a world different from what I see..,
for what I see is all too out there without reference.., meaning and intent..,
the world I see.., the bronze dark skins that walk past me.., the secluded open houses that stand beside.., the dusty streets.., the speeding cars.., the ironed workers hiding behind the prison of the eyes..,
I am influenced by the ingredients of what I see but still I dream..,
I dream of delight.., of joy.., of happiness…, of love.., of respect.., of greatness..,
and in these are my thoughts.., but I see what I feel not.

A Theory Regarding People that I Meet In My Life – A short poem

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I have this theory about meeting people,
How do you end up meeting someone awesome..?
Is it chance..? Luck..? Fate..? Destiny..?
I am seriously running out of words here.
I feel that I am in the wrong person’s story here,
everybody that I want to meet and spend my life with
lives with somebody else.
In all honesty you end up in some random corner of the world,
and in that small stretch of land, you are supposed to
find your crush, infatuation, sweetheart, close friend, best friend,
rebound girlfriend, wife, colleagues, peers and other people oriented
memorabilia to display and speak of in social commentary and rhetoric,
repeated time and time again, which in turn turns into myths to behold and wonder about.
Most people are so self assured that their stories of life are the only ones worth hearing about, I beg to differ,
I don’t know if I will travel the world, I know that I am tired of just staying alive and waiting for the inevitable,
I want to touch a billion hearts all at once,
I want to make people dream and forget this abysmal depression
that is reality and our nation’s poverty.
What a pressure.., How do we find out if the people who are in our life are the ones who are meant to be there..?
Is there some sort of magic to it all..?
Or are we just all here by accident and have to make it out somehow..?

The Silken Carpet of the Dark

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The night is when I am truly alive,
I find myself speaking to ghosts from memories past,
conversing with dreams and hope,
longing deep and more,
The night is what I am made of.
I speak often to God,
sinking slow into the billions of atomic shores
that are not enough to capture his infinite, unfathomable
heart.
I pick apart each thought,
the heart is no longer a maddening
series of shocks, reactions and preoccupations.
The weight of the world has eased off my heart,
I lose myself in the furthest stars,
whose crinkling glows pierces my own heart.
I act deranged, trying to stuff all the empty silence into
the inward chambers of my heart… I long to inject them
whenever I weep for Freedom when the ambulance sirens return
in the hot and dusty mornings,
when the difficult, self worshipping egos cloaked in
religious righteousness return and clamor for obsessive attention,
when the sickness, the poverty and the inability of my own
brokenness returns and I see myself with hatred and sadness…,
Tell me how I can fit the architectural depth of the uncommon peace
that the night offers into my Dreamer’s starry, murky, unspoken heart.
The night is when I truly desire to live,
the day is but a labyrinth for me to maneouver through.
I am clueless and lost, who are all these strangers..?
Why can’t I remember their faces..?
Who will remember me..? Who can look past my mask..?
When will God appear to me…?

– The Poet of the Unseen