Warrior – Short fiction

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In Christ alone all hope is found – Legendary words that the warrior wrote in his notes to cherish, believe and feed his spirit with#

He was a warrior.. forged through the most intense fires that could beset a man, a warrior constructed through life’s hardest internal pains, a soldier who knew the wicked evil curse that had been cast upon all lands, men and women.., but yet he fought, he never gave in and he never accepted evil of any kind or sort… He was a warrior for GOD.., always battling the evil that nefariously and insidiously found human agency to work for its horrific causes.., The warrior was no ordinary man, he could read the undercurrents of groups of men, he could sense with immediacy the lurking of danger.., he could even sense the Holy Lord’s intent, thoughts and messages for mankind.., The warrior saw things that most people could never be aware of, he spoke of mysterious,terrifying truths that he received when he was on his watch tower high up in the hills, his knees deep in prayer.., interceding, battling, pleading#

God had gifted him an ability so powerful that it only activated itself when he was in the thick and thin of ferocious, fierce warfare, until then he would never know that he had such a capacity, such a will and such a determination of heart. The Good Lord did not want him to suffer the conceit that falls upon all heroic men, that they were immortal. The warrior was created with weaknesses that drew him towards His Lord.., the warrior only viewed his strengths as something that would give his Lord Joy and Happiness regarding him. The warrior was a hyperactive soul, not content with complacency, always eager to challenge the hyper-doctrinal man centeredness that found its way into the Lord’s words.., he was always eager to challenge the strongman of a territory.., he bowed to no idols, matter of fact he warred against them.., he sought to destroy any such idol in his life.., he bound up wicked devils, he hated what the Lord hated.., sure the warrior was a man who had weaknesses.., but he hated them and leaned on His Lord to fight his wars. The warrior had integrity and honor for no matter how valiantly he fought, he always gave the entire credit to His Master.., He did not do it to be selfless.., he did it to honor his Master, to exalt the power and grace of his Master.., and to praise, worship and allow other men to revere his Master.

Only the Lord blessed men with victories that really stood out, there were victories that men celebrated and raved about and then there were victories that impressed itself in men’s minds and made them revere God, and made them recognize the power of God. The warrior knew real well that he had to stir up belief in men’s minds and hearts.., to do so he had to constantly plunge into the realms of risk, of danger and of personal threat.. The warrior was created to make men know God, that was his life’s calling, he was no mortal.., he was created to be immortalized for all that he revealed about the Great God that all men pretended to not be aware of.

This ability to decipher truths about one’s soul as one experienced feelings, senses, emotions, thoughts in one’s heart and mind was something that the warrior knew well. He believed in his heart of hearts that he had to praise, honor and make God known in all the good things of his life, in the bads he would wrestle, question, sulk and argue in misery.., but never exceed the boundaries that he had kept for his mouth towards His Godly lover. He was distraught at the loss, being the competitive minded man that he was, he wanted a clean performance.. during those moments the Lord would remind him of the glorious rewards of defeat.., chiefly introspection, gratefulness, rejoicing in trials and tribulations and renewing of strength…, the warrior usually got back up and allowed the pain of memory to strive even greater, even further and make more glorious attempts for the sake of His Master who ruled the world sovereignly.

At times the warrior suffered intense, immense anguish.., questions regarding his finite strength when it was pitched against the mighty, vast and powerful kingdom of darkness hidden in men’s lives in plain sight emotionally pushed him into an internal pit that he could not find the footing to come out of. The warrior was attacked with just plain, indecipherable reality and then the devils would mock and curse at him as he suffered the pain that cursed life because of sin.., the deaths, the murders, the meaningless wicked deeds done without honor in plain sight.., the horrors that he had to hear, imagine and know.., the inability to forget what he discovered.., the sights of pain, of death and of violence.., the warrior suffered immensely with the inability of his heart to cope with such traumatic events.., and yet the warrior was a man born to fight, born to slay within himself that which was against Gd.., and gave humble orders to Angelic Rulers to attack and accompany his wars with the wicked god that this world had chosen for itself.., The Warrior would fight and avenge the innocent, the brutalized, the victimized, the forgotten, the ones who were taken advantage of.., the warrior would fight and fight.., until his Lord asked him to stop and close his eyes. The warrior was alive only to allow His Lord to rescue lives and in this was his life’s calling, heights and sole purpose#

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Piercing the darkness – Part One

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Yosef watched with mute keenness the entire scene. There were so many humans there, most of them would never realize the reality of their inner soul and it’s precarious position in the sight of the Lord. None of them would know that a similar fate would meet them if they did not repent of their inherent wickedness, spiritual rebellion and mindful sinfulness and accept the precious sacrifice of the Lord Jesus Christ done for the benefit of humanity.

No one would be able to see him, the Lord had tired of satan using the unseen realm to fool men into believing in stories that men’s imagination devised, during the days of Noah and Enoch, Lucifer had created grand displays of men’s imagination.. Giants had lived, and had invited men’s worship and awe… further deceiving themselves and falling deeper and deeper into the nature of their own minds, by claiming to be wise, they fell away and into the snares of the ancient dragon who led them all away from the one true God and into fables, myths and fantasies.. lucifer knew how to sense such imaginative and deep souls…, Most of them would be born either in the months of March, June, September or February.., he carefully read their imaginations because he had been granted access of the soul, when the Lord created man. Man’s soul stirred up strange imagery that murmured in the restless heart of a man deep in sleep, if only a man listened to his soul during his sleep..? But the Lord had purposefully concealed knowledge of their language from man’s wisdom, natural discernment and understanding… The Lord only wanted men to be saved from Hell, His End time Judgment and from His ferocious wrath in this age…The Lord had created man using mud, but the Lord in His tremendous all encompassing wisdom had generously granted men a bit of His spirit’s intoxicating eternal mystery.. this was what men called soul.., when men lost sight of earthly things and like a child believed in the Lord Jesus and His powerful resurrection and sacrifice.., their soul converted into a spirit…and in that spirit the Lord would reveal Himself in ways that the human mind with its limits could never fathom… The Lord did not intend for the father of lies to have access to man’s soul, but His truthful absolute made it possible for His absolute goodness as well…. The fall of man opened up the soul to the evil of the fallen one.., the ancient sinner… Yosef’s face grew grim as he thought of the horrendous evil that the Serpent had created all through the ages.. all because of the knowledge that he had stolen from Heaven.., Filthy robber.., his end was coming soon.., The Lord was just anxious to save as many souls as He could before the vile serpent would raise the final deception upon all of mankind… Even an evil would glorify the Lord ultimately, such is the Lord’s law.

His senses were used to the earthly pain by now, Yosef was deeply sad but he was an angel. He did not possess man’s flesh which created deep sorrow and suffering in the case of tragedy. Man’s pain was more acute because of the way in which the Lord had created an inner system of life.. Yosef meanwhile belonged to another realm, but his duties were always to watch, guard and protect against severe outbreaks of tragedy, pain and suffering…Yosef saw the different reactions in each soul that stood by the dead body, the medics were on their way, he could hear the sirens 5 kms away.., He knew the names of all the people in the crowd. There were 10 people besides Tim who had been viciously gunned down. The Lord enabled man to choose actions with his own free will.., and man always chooses evil, because apart from Christ all that man knows is the evil inside of him… but the Lord had in His great mercy granted men natural controls over the inner depravity so vast and unrealized in a man’s inmost being.. His heart without God’s presence was deeply wicked and sinful, Men’s hearts were always restless, wicked and without a thought of the actions that would be triggered by their indulgence in sin. Mankind did not realize that their indwelling sin was the reason for all the chaos, mess and vile ugliness in what had been God’s precious world… Yosef knew things beyond man’s wisdom, Yosef could only sadly smile at the proud and haughty thoughts of men who assumed themselves to be gods.., Yosef and his fellow brothers, the guardians of this world shivered and trembled as they thought of the truth that was hidden to all of mankind. Mankind were given too little information about Yahweh’s incredible Glory… Men on this planet tired of everything.., they would grow weary, restless and begin to search and scour for inner peace.., Never realizing that it is only in Jesus that the greatest love and solution of all that a man’s heart can feel is found in.. How tender was the Lord’s mercy towards these clueless rebels and condemned..?

Man did not have the power to realize the evil that was so piercingly pervasive in every inch, fiber and space of humanity and all her grandiose creations. Yosef wondered if he should separate the soul from Tim..? Tim’s father would be devastated.., his mother had left Tim’s father when he had been young.., She wanted to freely indulge in debauchery, she had listened to her heart and it had deceived her without her knowledge.., She had left to Las Vegas.., she had tried out every sinful indulgence over there, and was now trapped by the lusts for alcohol and immorality… Yosef knew intimate things about people, he could see the paths that they were choosing for themselves, he could see the deceiving spirits gleefully chaining people who lusted after the world and its pleasures and giving most people an illusion of control, freedom and independence… but the Lord had firmly closed her supply, her finances and her promiscuity by giving her health issues in her kidneys… Tim’s father was a Godly man.., crushed by his wife’s free spirited nature.. Steve struggled to stay afloat.., but that was when a local youth pastor, Joe had invited him to a Saturday evening concert and Service.. Steve’s life had turned radical, he found God’s power to forgive the grievous sorrow of losing his wife to the world.., he became a praying man.., and he spent many hours on his knees..Praying for his neighborhood.., he became a Prayerful Watchman for his neighborhood.. Zealously praying for the Lord’s will and Help to be available to the lost souls in his vicinity.., he even prayed zealously for his wife to find her way back to him.., he prayed for Tim endlessly, and the Lord had listened and had put in plan a sequence to save him.

Tim had wanted a coke and some hersheys, when Simon, the local gang-banger triggered to irritation by a spirit of aggression to strike fear in the drug infested neighborhood had opened fire at a local midnight store which had asian owners. Simon, had grown up poor.., he had slept on the sidewalks, his parents had divorced…his mother was a dope fiend and had neither the time nor the conscious recognition of him as her son, but a chance encounter with a drug dealer had altered his life forever.. Triggered deeply to never feel that shame, pain and sorrow.. Simon had struck fear in the heart of roswell neighborhood.. Driven by a maniacal pursuit of power.. Simon created a gang that spread drugs, violence and pain… Yosef remembered that the Lord had spoken many times to Simon’s conscience, but the local territorial spirit created calamities that struck a deeper fear into the heart of Simon, causing him to sink deeper into the mob life.

Caught by a barrage of bullets, Tim had fallen down, unconscious in a pool of his own blood. He had been dead for upto 10 mins by now.., passers by had shrieked in horror at the lifeless body, Stan the Asian who took care of the midnight store had forgotten the bullet sprayed windows.., he had rushed to Tim’s side and had called 911.., Yosef had seen Stan crying at the sheer injustice of it all, passersby had all been attacked by demonic hordes of terror, fear and indifference.. Many of them had run away.., Yosef could not believe their actions, but the devil’s hellions were working to create fierce divisions and factions within mankind.. even now he could see these demons so vicious, vile and violent spread lies into the hearts of the few people who stood there.. Yosef was a high ranking Angel, He had enough power to crush and send off these pathetic hellions scampering to the shady realm of the underworld… but the Lord had not spoken through the saints in Heaven…Yosef for now was to watch over and reduce in measure, the evil of this place… Why were mankind so foolish to not pray..? Did they not know that prayer opened up the floodgates of heaven..? Yosef could only observe what men’s freewill opened their unprotected lives upto.., Mankind rarely asked for the Lord’s help.., they were too caught up in some imaginary world of their own creation…He was sad.., Tim had just begun meeting Rosie.., Rosie was skeptical of her faith, but one of the reasons that their life paths crossed was to trigger Tim to deeper examine his faith as he saw Rosie’s excuses to not stand for Christ..,Only the Lord knew who He would save at all costs.., but the Lord treated everyone like the same, but once again there were deeper mysteries to the Lord’s plans that Yosef loved.., Yosef felt his heart swell as he thought about the Lord.., It was such an incredible honor to serve the true Master of the universe…Oh if only men could see the Lord, or even sense in their inner being His truths.. Yosef sighed.., happy that angels had been spared the fate of humans…but still determined to stand for the Lord’s cause for wicked, selfish humanity…Yosef knew that there had been a chance that the Lord would’ve sparked the lives of Tim and Rosie.. The Prayers of Tim’s father had protected Tim on many many occasions, but Tim had hardened his heart against the Lord since Tim felt that he could not believe in someone who had not done anything to unite his mother and father… Tim also lived in an unsafe neighborhood… murders, drugs and prostitution had hardened his heart and aroused anger at what he assumed was either a non existent fantasy or a detached God who hardly cared about His creation… Yosef could only think in awe of the Lord’s tender mercy as He saved billions and billions of ungrateful cowards, murderers, fornicators, sorcerers, selfish and godless mortals so dead in their sins… It was sad that Tim had never grasped Jesus strong enough in his life, despite the hundreds and thousands of chances that Yahweh had offered unto him.

(to be continued)

I am what I see – Poem

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I am what I see,
I will speak what I see and you should listen without interrupting.
For you cannot know me from what you see on the outside..,
I am finding my way through what I see..,
I am finding a way through what I hear..,
I am finding a way through what I feel..,
What I see and hear ends up becoming what I feel,
What I feel ends up becoming my response to reality..,
What is my reality ends up becoming my ideas.., my thoughts and my feelings.
I imagine a world different from what I see..,
for what I see is all too out there without reference.., meaning and intent..,
the world I see.., the bronze dark skins that walk past me.., the secluded open houses that stand beside.., the dusty streets.., the speeding cars.., the ironed workers hiding behind the prison of the eyes..,
I am influenced by the ingredients of what I see but still I dream..,
I dream of delight.., of joy.., of happiness…, of love.., of respect.., of greatness..,
and in these are my thoughts.., but I see what I feel not.

Testing to see if God is real – The Mystery of God

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The problem with a belief in God is in how we can comprehend Him through our natural senses that have an excellent capacity to read and understand the world around us if we teach ourselves to watch, observe and learn. God only provides us with evidence in our natural senses of His existence.. Nature.., the Birds.., the skies.., the Animals.., they all have His genius embedded into it.., our own bodies bear testament to His incredible powers of creation.., The Bible bears witness to His presence.., Christ following believers are called to bear testament and witness to Him who is unseen and invisible.., but it seldom feels enough. Discovering or realizing that a God can exist seems fantastic, amazing and incredible but yet we don’t want it to be true since it would mean that we are in turn transferred to a rigorous sect who have to be Absolutely perfect. God is a spirit.., and that is why we have to encounter Him ‘spiritually’ and not naturally.., a born again experience guarantees you a lifelong connection with the Lord by an amazing Godly gift given to you.., His spirit that comes to dwell within you and Him offering a new spirit which is going to life out your supernatural faith in Him who is unseen but is everywhere.

The problem is that we are bombarded with contrary realities that convince us that it is impossible to think that a God can exist for , but truly think about it.., it is a conclusion that you draw merely by what you have encountered thus far….the world, the Universe and our own lives have never encountered Him.., don’t be discouraged brother and sister.., those are done on purpose.., God loves when souls seek their creator.., He draws us to Himself through the events of our lives.., We clearly see the deep restless despair that exists in our lives in all that we love, trust and hold on desperately for all the while dreaming about the real, unbreakable one.., Friends our imagination testifies to our deeper longings for absolutes.., but we have not learned to see that yet.., Friends Absolutes exist only in God.., everything else contains only half truths.., and half expressions performed by learning, transference and human beings conforming to mere existence.

God has to exist, for everything else is insanely done without any meaning or direction whatsoever.., God narrows down the roads that we are to seek when we wish to encounter Him. I have taken multiple roads to seek Him.., Hinduism.., Jainism.., Yoga.., Mysticism.., the Occult.., Spirit Animals.., Buddhism.., Zen.., Spirit Guides.., the Paranormal.., they all gave me experiences that I can never forget.., but they also left me wanting for more.., a lot more than I could comprehend or even find the language to understand my own inner soul’s intense longing… check for that desire always dear friends.. for the Bible tells us that only God satisfies the heart.., anything that does not completely satisfy our souls, our hearts and our minds can never be God.., Reject it for you have an eternity to pay for your error, deception and belief… another observation is that God creates situations where we can encounter Him on a deeper, more personal level in order to understand Him away from the Bible but then that understanding has to lead you to the Bible in order to help you get a refined, life tested, trials shaped reality of Him in order for your Faith to follow Him on a day to day basis… Many understand what it feels like to be sad.., hurt… wounded.., but how many of us seek the healing power of God…? We share it with friends whose support we unconsciously become attached to but end up realizing that they are not who we want them to be rather bitterly.., we learn to overcome it with anger, discipline and intellect.., but we miss God.., we don’t humble ourselves and go as we are to Christ.., we go there for only healing.., but God wants us for life..! He knows how to heal our souls, our hearts and our minds eternally.., but we only long for temporary things that will change over a period of time.., We don’t want permanent solutions.., we only desire temporary answers that make us feel good about our own self.., we seldom understand that to seek God is to exalt His glory above our own.., but many of us only enjoy our own imperfect glory and we fall deeper in love with our own selves and lesser with God.

Another way.., Read the Bible.. satisfy your curiosity.., Friends I must warn you..,reading your Bible can leave you eternally changed.., go and read it with every doubt, confusion and conflict that you have.. take all your grandiose intellectual confusion.. your highest philosophical realization and your deepest psychological assessment and find yourself encountering the very words of God written by men like you and me inspired by the Holy Spirit. Test it, examine it and study it.., you won’t regret it.., it can help you find the truths of this God that we all wish to find but few have the intensity, the desire and the passion to find.

Thoughts of a Skeptical Christ lover

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To live out the faith in action means to painfully come to the conclusion that faith can only be carried forward through the amount of Christ we allow into our lives, Realizing the dire necessity of faith demands that often times through desperation we grieve at the ungodliness still living in our hearts, it means to carry on in the face of relentless agitation, discouragement and immense frustration… Becoming Christ like sometimes means that you realize how Un-Christ-like human nature truly is, you see it working against every creation of God in your flesh, your mind and yourself…, you find it contending ferociously against wanting the life of God in the human realm…, you find it creating the many rifts, confusions and anguish in faith building… Faith is the end of us and the beginning of God. I’ve realized that becoming like Christ is more like climbing up a steep mountain than lying by a stream and slumbering in peace, we keep pushing forward no matter how we feel.

 

It is faith that helps one see past the mess of one’s life and into the murky future of salvation, our lives always made to feel like a tremendous underperformer in its achievements of the things of God. I find that faith becomes tremendously hard when I take control of how things are supposed to be going.., supposing I walk up to a medical shop and the service provider has a nasty attitude, or a limited and haughty impersonal sense which would no doubt get on my nerves since I can absolutely absorb their entire emotional chemistry and feel it suppressing my own Christ offered Joy… Worse yet, I find it painful and hurting to my own inner person to the point where I struggle to comprehend the mean

spirited nature of that person, and furthermore I am engulfed in the bitter reactions of my own personality, I despise how easily I am available to such deep emotional harm in the hands of people whose heartlessness has become such second nature that they don’t care about other people and their feelings, or realize the enormous amount of damage that they bring to another person’s heart. I am then commanded to offer forgiveness to the individual who has unwittingly unlocked and wounded me, I am commanded by God to love that person and chief of all, I am commanded by God to not have a pattern of behavior that calls

for me to avoid that person at all costs or vent it all out by means of rumors or gossips. I struggle with God about almost all of His rules, I deeply appreciate their profound wisdom and beauty, I enjoy performing the easier ones…, but it’s the hard ones that I struggle with.., it’s the ones that too often than not unveil and unmask my own insecurities, inferiority and lack of humility that I get offended by…, I get offended by how the Bible can point out my hypocrisy at all times and I can do nothing about it, I have to sit there and deal with the offense with my limited understanding of forgiveness and repentance…, and chief of all, I have to truly wonder at the unrealistic and superhuman demands that Faith constantly

asks of us…, You can say that I have trouble following Christ, and the moment I doubt one segment of Him.., the entire Faith structure collapses.., the moment I get angry at God.., I withdraw from Him.., the moment I backslide, fall into lustful temptations, become bitter, resentful, hostile and remorseless about my mistakes.., I am separated from God…, and very often I feel as though God does not care enough about talking to me.., I don’t hear Him asking me to come back.., all I hear are the Bible verses that I get upset about.., ” Depart from me you evildoers..’ I hear that verse quite often in my mind, the response to that verse is most often.., I would gladly choose Hell over a God who does not understand the depths of my pain, my trials, my tribulations and my desperation in satisfying Him…, If I am cast

into a burning lake of eternal fire and torment over a Sin un-confessed, or committed against a Holy God…, How can I have peace in my walk of faith..? How..? How am I supposed to satisfy a God that I can never ever fully satisfy..?

 

Atleast in my estimation ie.

I realize that I don’t have the answers, but I have also learned that the very God that I feel like running away from is the only person in this entire Universe who loves me more than I deserve to be loved.., those are pretty strong reasons to blindly love somebody and do what they say and want.

 

But then again, I am not angry at God.. He has never done anything wrong in regard to me.., He is hard to satisfy, but those are complications that arose from Man’s fall in the garden and indwelling sin and other theological complications, but He does not treat me as my sins deserve,He never ever has and He never ever will… It is me that I get the most upset about. I complicate things by doing things that I know, that I absolutely know have destruction inherent in them.., but I still end up doing them.., as a matter of fact, I have repeated certain forbidden sins to a point where my conscience has stopped warring with my desires…, I no longer feel guilty when I do them.., it is after that I do them that the pain starts.., the hurt begins, followed by unbearable anguish and shame and the reaping begins…, I get affected by such bouts that I get tremendously discouraged and upset I have to humble myself, I have to repent of things that very often I feel like doing everyday, but the Bible warns me of the inherent dangers …, I have to discipline myself harshly.., I have to stay away from certain things…, avoid certain people.., limit myself greatly.., I sigh inwardly.., If only I could be free enough to not worry about sin, evil and God’s Judgment at all times, a dreamer can dream.., that world lays beyond this world. But I know that God has His reasons for

turning me this way and they are always, and I mean always for my complete wellbeing

and good.

 

I load up my hard disk to the tv, I connect it to the usb socket in the side and wait patiently for it to be read by the Tv’s computing system…, Televisions are so complicated these days, they’ve got so many different functions, so many different features…, I enjoy the upgrades since it essentially means that I get total control of programs… I have always disliked advertisements and the brainless trash that is loaded on televisions. The USB feature is enormously helpful to my early morning routines of reading and writing…, because I essentially love listening to sermons as I write.., they inspire and bring out the best in me…, I play Basketball highlights and analyze players and the way the teams play…, I play specific

movies over and over again…, I enjoy specific movies for the sophisticated manner in which they engage my emotions and make ordinary stories into unforgettable dreams that I vicariously relish and live through.., engaging me and my repressed desires of authorship, pastoring and Godly serving… I get the startup screen as soon as I press play the media button on my remote…, I go to the video option and select the Jesus Freak folder.., I spend a few minutes listening to Jonathan Welton, and then some over excited seminary studen beams and gushes about Jonathan Edwards, I find myself getting offended when Christ’s

followers gush and idolize Calvin, Edwards and other Christian greats…, I understand their love.., it stems from the author’s immense grasp of the disarray and the muddle of life, of the intricacies of the Believer’s life.., and their profound realizations of faith that no doubt intoxicate and thrill…, I myself have worshipped the likes of Literary greats in the past.. Jack Kerouac, Anais Nin, Thomas Wolfe, Virgina Woolf and others…, but in Christ, I find my love for rich story tellers and gifted individuals reduced to wonder and appreciation.., but it has not extended to worship.., since God has taken me further in a certain way…, I settle on a video by Cindy Jacobs, noted intercessor and Prayer Warrior…, now I am a bit of a Prayer freak myself.., I have lived and lived in prayer and bowed knees.., I love praying and I love people who teach me how to pray… I have been reading possessing the gates of the enemy by Cindy and I felt like watching her for a little while.., I love deeply passionate and intense men and women of God.., I love people who are like me, but also show me who I can become if I have the right amount of prayerfulness and sincerity…, She has an African American brother on her show, and I turn up the volume at this point.., I am multi tasking as usual…

Torn between reading Out of the Devil’s Cauldron by John Ramirez and The Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac…, I have this genius idea to teach the kids at work some lessons of foundation as it pertains to Creativity so I have this notepad open and I have jotted down a few ideas…, another document lies open.., a promising story of a sensitive man has reached a few paragraphs.., but in the midst of such creative anguish, I hear the African American brother whom i’ll call Joe speak about “how his efforts of living the Christian life only made him become a professional Christian”.., at this point I am both bemused since I understand more than one can say and also get discouraged slightly assuming that there are an infinite number of spiritual diseases that can arise in faith and that I can never personally know them all…, I walk close to the television set(You will be surprised by how many revelations I have gotten at this time of the hour).., ‘He spoke about how miserable he felt while he was living that way, He did not want to witness to others about God since he did not want them to be as miserable as he was’. I enjoy it when people talk honestly about their struggles, because that is when I am able to comprehend my own faith.., I think that I caught this attitude from my Father who has helped me a great deal in dealing with spiritual failure by sharing much of his own. The speaker then talked about how God in a moment of inspiration told him that He(God) was never about religion, He was all about relationship and personal intimacy and love.., he had forgotten that and had started living the faith with personal effort…, Wow.., at this point.., I am like, who even speaks out about such complex deviations from the faith with such heartwarming honesty and openness…? I feel the brother’s confession help with my own self inflicted misery and grief.., Strangely I feel relieved and even hopeful.

 

I see God speaking to me often through my love for my dog.., I make sure that I spend a lot of time with my dog and with my garden…, and when I do so I find robust swelling up of emotions within, I feel God patiently enriching me with floods of thoughts borne out of His love for me… I like to find specific things about Him(God) because I am endlessly in love with Him and wish to know things about Him that others have failed to observe, notice and catch on to… Back to my doggy…I love her so much and the best part is that I don’t have to

understand it, I don’t have to subject it to experience driven, skeptical analytics of my mind or understand the confusions of the heart in regard to each individual no matter how appealing or put offing they are… With dogs, it’s like they enjoy your enjoyment of them… It’s that simple and that complex.. Whatever I offer gets turned back to me in canine delight, joy and endless warmth and affection…. I often see myself in my dog…, woofing away at every person outside the gate as a threat to the universe and it’s balance…, repeatedly performing the same meaningless mistakes over and over again, often times out of a lack of better things to do…, scowling away at my rebukes and punishments but immediately

returning to me because of her delight in me…, I see a lot of myself in my dog.., and I see a lot of God’s relationship in my own side as Master… Having her to a great degree has helped me enjoy the faith as a beautiful relationship with a Supernatural, omniscient, all knowing Creator who finally gets my maniacal determination to prove things, who understands the sensitive soul and the complicated sinner, who enjoys my delight of Him…, Whose watchfulness and dogged determination to bring the best out of me oftentimes gets me immensely frustrated to the point where I swear that I don’t have the same worldly independence that I once gained by rebellion and rejection of my parents and what I considered to be their archaic beliefs and values, Independence that I used to do whatever I wished to do, be it in doing drugs and finding ot new ways of bringing out experiences as I wrote, or be it in playing basketball until daylight broke the passion fuelled dream of

determination…, God seems stronger and more powerful than anyone I’ve ever met…, I know that I can’t see Him.., but it’s like I can’t avoid or run as far away from Him as I can…, I can’t sin in peace, and I can’t feel proud about shouting at somebody, or thinking unloving thoughts to my sister or towards my mother…, I can’t do those types of things anymore.., I am not under surveillance, although the Bible does speak about it.., our lives are being recorded for God’s day of Judgment.., but I see it as living with the presence of God.., and He makes me into a person that I have always longed to be, but I never had the power to be…,

Christ gives me the power to be the person that I speak about passionately in my rants against society and life. Christ gives me the strength to be what I could never be when I controlled my life, Christ makes me the best that I can ever be, and He is not finished with me.., I am still being corrected, rebuked and disciplined behind closed doors and I am still learning how to obey a Perfect God who has no weaknesses, chiefly I am learning how to enjoy it without being discouraged constantly by it if I am brutally honest.

 

I am surprised by this side of God…, I get tremendously upset with the strict, legalistically bound, rule oriented God that I see throughout the scriptures that most redeemed sinners giggle in glee about.., I just can’t see myself being forced into anything.., I have always resisted control of myself immensely…, I have had a great deal of trouble in the past with accepting authority figures in my own life to the point of tremendous rebellion and outright rejection of their rule over my life.., but I have grown the most in difficult places because I enjoy challenges, and I deeply enjoy learning how to adjust to a place considered painful, difficult and impossible to live in…, but all my accomplishments I credit to my one and

only Savior, whose feet I am not fit to touch, much less clean.

 

I have to wonder if these incredibly loving thoughts are directed at me or I wonder if they are the byproduct of my own intense imagination..? Being the skeptic that I am is a surprising paradox for many folks, because on one end I have a robust, joy filled expressive proclamation of faith in my areas of service to others…, but in the other end where I am … I struggle routinely with the darker levels of human existence.., with unanswered prayers.., with poverty, destitution, pain, suffering, evil in all it’s forms and types…, I get disillusioned by my own failures and shortcomings in the spiritual life, I get hurt by harsh sermons often.., I get hurt by people at work and at home…, I get hurt that I am caught up in a

complicated situation that takes away 90% of my independence, underpays me and forces me into a situation where I have to humble myself greatly in order to serve God and this service is often overlooked, criticized, gossiped about and thrown aside in haughty indifference…, the remaining ten percent of my independence comes at such a heavy heavy cost, that it harms the soul, disturbs the mind and wounds the spirit…and I have people preaching sermons to me all the time about stuff that they have never ever done in their own lives. You can say that the life of a budding, Evangelist is harder than what most people expect.

 

But I move forward, knowing in my heart that serving God is my one dream and desire.., In my life I’ve had many many dreams.., a few dreams I have pursued maniacally, I have been obsessed with a few, determined above all things to achieve certain goals that I have set for myself and the pressures that accompany them…, but all those dreams and passions wait by the sides…, looming like forgotten burial stones… buried and forgotten, whilst I pursue Christ and surrender and sacrifice things daily for Him…, through this tremendous struggle I find peace, calm, purpose and a deeper meaning for life than most have dared to ask or find…, I am blessed with many gifts, loved beyond comparison and thankful and humbled to enjoy what truly matters in this life above the mad rush of the world in it’s hollow, empty pursuits.

 

I’ve come to realize that the Holy Scriptures are far bigger than just immediately dealing with the complexity of our fallen nature and it’s immense disgust towards Holiness, righteousness and Salvation… I’ve seen the Scriptures speak more to me than just right living.., they have spoken to me for hours about questions that I have struggled with, communicated Godly vibrations to me, increased my spiritual joy, improve and deepen my creative urges and passions, and have increased my level of connectivity to the immediate world of the town with it’s rude participants who scowl and mock the things of God and are often so full of inner strife and turmoil that they take yours away as well. But it is in this very place of my great suffering that I find the utmost joy in serving…, often times I am surrounded by people who know how to present themselves, and know the nitty witty dynamics that comes with knowing how to network.., they mingle with so many people that personal touch, genuineness and an authentic relationship with people are overlooked…, they are in a mad rush, the demands placed on them have made them cynical, controlling, authoritative and quite frankly often times unbearable to live with, I am reminded constantly of why I don’t want to be like them.., but I can’t fault them though, we all have our downsides.., I ain’t one to judge.. Never have, Never will.

 

I’ve see the words of the Bible increase resistance, rebelliousness and defiance from my inner self just because it wishes to teach me the correct ways, and often times helps me see how little my perceptions are in regard to truth, and Godliness.., I always resort to defensive reactions when I feel my own independence of thought, action and life threatened, but I guess I have learned to look past them.., and when I have I have discovered stuff that has taught and educated me. God is quite cool and unpredictable; I love Him more when He is

mysterious.., I don’t like it when I feel Him teaching me absolute truths with absolute rawness.., I guess I mistake it for power when most often it is love, concern, care and consideration… I guess I would like delicateness and empathy, but I guess He teaches me those things in order for me to become a much better steward and servant… All my thoughts lie bare before Him.., He influences and inspires so many thoughts through His spirit that I can’t claim any for my own.

 

He is pretty mysterious, let’s just get that out there.

 

I hate living next to others, everything that you say can be taken out of the context of your own journey, and sometimes ends up pumping up their own exaggerated sense of their egos and stories which they claim are true, whilst they lament about stories that they have “suffered” for…, I dislike lies and exaggeration.., I dislike people who speak stories that are just exactly what they are – stories conjured up to present their personal greatness and awesomeness.

 

The more I listen to them, and spend time with them, the more I find out how

Liars can really sell others stories with make believe emotional theatrics…, all my stories of my personal struggle, suffering and pain lose their meaning when the guy next to me fails to understand what I mean and instead latches on to his own story using mine as a foundation of how he struggled in the face of tremendous poverty…, subtle competition is what I feel in those cases.., envy, jealousy and strife…, the Bible was not wrong to say that our desires constantly arouse jealousy and anger…, but I struggle with the same desires…, God gives me victory over them and I have learned to humble myself even when my story turns up in

other’s lives as supposed life stories of their own.., I guess God has a purpose for

these things as well…, before I write an entire Novel.., I guess that I have to

stop…, I can hear the early morning crows caw questioningly.., and the flickering

sounds of human beings awakening.., I guess that’s my cue to wind up and

close… and sleep.

 

Until next time Brothers and Sisters in Christ, Stay strong, the battle belongs to the Lord.

 

May the Lord be with you and keep you.

 

Empath’s Chronicles

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Young things have a mind all their own.. They really really do.

I always love when movies start. I really really do… It gives off a great sense of adventure and promise… Movies to me are like people,  I am wired to believe that they never end, similarly I assume that people are going to fade away in a form that does not involve pain and suffering …. The movie business, boy do I have a load of thoughts on that topic… I just hate how the movie business only wants the bodies and talents of individuals…  It wants the bodies of beautiful women to further our depraved imaginations into thinking that when they engage in lasciviousness,  it is for our pleasure… I find this vicarious thrill sickening in my imperfect yet renewed heart which has submitted itself to the Lord… I think old people choose young people to marry bcos they want the illusion of being young in some warped, twisted way. I don’t like it when that happens, it’s sick and revolting even though people pretend that it’s all normal and okay.. But then again so many things are far from being okay.

I think that people pay professional shrinks just to hear them talk without interrupting… People get so used to hearing the same things that they stop listening.

Why do people pretend like they have it all together?  Isn’t life going to snatch everything away?  Job, parents, kids.. Wife…!!  And yet they pretend like they know what’s about to happen next?   
It’s all about money in this town..  Survival…  Money.. Rent.. Bills… These are the true realities..  True love..  Soulmates – These don’t exist … They really don’t. God exists though and boy am I glad that I never get tired of Him!! 

Why do people grow up and become so cold and lonely?  Why do women control so much of our interactions?  I hate how much I re-read conversations with women in different voices and emotions trying to decipher some hidden clue of inference that will supposedly be an  “eternal treasure and joy”

Why does it hurt to be vulnerable? How can I switch off this feeling of being absolutely vulnerable at all times?   The older I get the more I see things differently.. Why do people desire each other..?  We all get tired of each other anyway..  don’t we?  What does last in this life then? 

I hate how all that people see are faces..  What about my heart?  My soul? Is your vision only limited to my vision?  I guess that the Lord is going to talk to me when He truly wishes to.. Or when He really wants to…  I don’t mind His approach.. I just want Him to talk to His favorite kid, on this side of the ocean..!  Why can’t I save all the sick, dying and broken people in this world Lord?  All the homeless animals?  All the poor people losing their minds..?  Why can’t I stop war?  Crimes? Poverty?    Prostitution, human negligence?  Trafficking ?  murder ?  merciless killings? 

I hate how forgiveness turns back the blame on myself and checks my conscience and wonders in invisibility about the relative state of all things and about our own inability to be absolutely clean and pure , People say the meanest things when they are angry… they really do…!  

I can’t understand how comfortable people are in who they are…  don’t they have fears?  Insecurities?  Timidity?  Shyness?  I’m seriously beginning to wonder how people can feel so confident when at anytime anything can happen!!  I hate what death does to a person…  I hate how it tears open a person’s soul with grief.. And brings the great treacherous injustice of the world into our hearts as we struggle against its vicious and vile might..! 

My mom doesn’t understand a thing about WiFi or the internet or what an Android app means…  and sometimes I laugh at her like it all means a lot, I hate it when I laugh at my mother…  I don’t deserve such a lazy and careless act..  She sweat blood, sweat and tears for me…  She clothed me… Placed my life before her…  what selfishness has my heart to laugh when my mom hides what her generation has trouble comprehending?  How cruel can I be? 

I feel sorry for people a lot…  I really do,  I just cry for them…  I hurt for them…  I pray for them…  the good Lord made my heart to be open and not closed to the world and it’s sufferings. I struggle in weakness against the might of my high sensitivity…  But the Lord has crafted me to bring Glory to Himself. I write stories about girls with whom I had chances with, or spent my life around with but never personally clicked… but they later found someone else.. And I roar and heave with all my anguish and mature sadness even as my pen weaves grand feel good dramas when my heart was broken so many times by decade old infatuations…!

I studied in this college where I felt invisible, where I was invisible… Nobody talked to me, it didn’t matter to them if I would’ve died right before their very eyes they still would’ve been so enamored of their great significance and privileges…  No girl ever opened her heart to me when u was there… I longed so deeply and lovingly towards my muses who were happily oblivious of my affections… I was always forgotten…  sometimes when I laugh at my ma and tease her I remember the pain of being made to feel all of that, and I grow angry at myself and start cursing myself. I still remember how much I hated myself… I can’t be like those flaky, pretensive scoundrels to my ma… She means the world to me.

Melting, Gripping Echoes – Poem

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Echoes of a billion souls,
Rising up to the highest heavens,
Aching with the void in the depths of their soul,
Why do we feel so alone here again..?
Don’t God love us as evil as we all are..?
Are our feeble, selfish prayers ever heard..?
Verses in an ancient book that seem to testify
to hope supernatural yet found in plain sight,
The Earth’s misery cries every day, But not everyone
perceives, When will the invisible screams still…?
Are there Angels walking among us..?
Why do I find it so hard to believe..?
We live in hell’s upper dens,
darkness gnaws away at our flimsy foundations,
we are helpless and possess no power to war against
the evil that lurks within and around,
We are thrown about, putting our hopes on decay,
we need something to numb the eternal, restless and anguished pain,
Lord… Do you even care about us..?
Broken as we are, Are you out there…?
Can you hear my tears, my pain and my suffering..?
I feel so alone again.