Warrior – Short fiction

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In Christ alone all hope is found – Legendary words that the warrior wrote in his notes to cherish, believe and feed his spirit with#

He was a warrior.. forged through the most intense fires that could beset a man, a warrior constructed through life’s hardest internal pains, a soldier who knew the wicked evil curse that had been cast upon all lands, men and women.., but yet he fought, he never gave in and he never accepted evil of any kind or sort… He was a warrior for GOD.., always battling the evil that nefariously and insidiously found human agency to work for its horrific causes.., The warrior was no ordinary man, he could read the undercurrents of groups of men, he could sense with immediacy the lurking of danger.., he could even sense the Holy Lord’s intent, thoughts and messages for mankind.., The warrior saw things that most people could never be aware of, he spoke of mysterious,terrifying truths that he received when he was on his watch tower high up in the hills, his knees deep in prayer.., interceding, battling, pleading#

God had gifted him an ability so powerful that it only activated itself when he was in the thick and thin of ferocious, fierce warfare, until then he would never know that he had such a capacity, such a will and such a determination of heart. The Good Lord did not want him to suffer the conceit that falls upon all heroic men, that they were immortal. The warrior was created with weaknesses that drew him towards His Lord.., the warrior only viewed his strengths as something that would give his Lord Joy and Happiness regarding him. The warrior was a hyperactive soul, not content with complacency, always eager to challenge the hyper-doctrinal man centeredness that found its way into the Lord’s words.., he was always eager to challenge the strongman of a territory.., he bowed to no idols, matter of fact he warred against them.., he sought to destroy any such idol in his life.., he bound up wicked devils, he hated what the Lord hated.., sure the warrior was a man who had weaknesses.., but he hated them and leaned on His Lord to fight his wars. The warrior had integrity and honor for no matter how valiantly he fought, he always gave the entire credit to His Master.., He did not do it to be selfless.., he did it to honor his Master, to exalt the power and grace of his Master.., and to praise, worship and allow other men to revere his Master.

Only the Lord blessed men with victories that really stood out, there were victories that men celebrated and raved about and then there were victories that impressed itself in men’s minds and made them revere God, and made them recognize the power of God. The warrior knew real well that he had to stir up belief in men’s minds and hearts.., to do so he had to constantly plunge into the realms of risk, of danger and of personal threat.. The warrior was created to make men know God, that was his life’s calling, he was no mortal.., he was created to be immortalized for all that he revealed about the Great God that all men pretended to not be aware of.

This ability to decipher truths about one’s soul as one experienced feelings, senses, emotions, thoughts in one’s heart and mind was something that the warrior knew well. He believed in his heart of hearts that he had to praise, honor and make God known in all the good things of his life, in the bads he would wrestle, question, sulk and argue in misery.., but never exceed the boundaries that he had kept for his mouth towards His Godly lover. He was distraught at the loss, being the competitive minded man that he was, he wanted a clean performance.. during those moments the Lord would remind him of the glorious rewards of defeat.., chiefly introspection, gratefulness, rejoicing in trials and tribulations and renewing of strength…, the warrior usually got back up and allowed the pain of memory to strive even greater, even further and make more glorious attempts for the sake of His Master who ruled the world sovereignly.

At times the warrior suffered intense, immense anguish.., questions regarding his finite strength when it was pitched against the mighty, vast and powerful kingdom of darkness hidden in men’s lives in plain sight emotionally pushed him into an internal pit that he could not find the footing to come out of. The warrior was attacked with just plain, indecipherable reality and then the devils would mock and curse at him as he suffered the pain that cursed life because of sin.., the deaths, the murders, the meaningless wicked deeds done without honor in plain sight.., the horrors that he had to hear, imagine and know.., the inability to forget what he discovered.., the sights of pain, of death and of violence.., the warrior suffered immensely with the inability of his heart to cope with such traumatic events.., and yet the warrior was a man born to fight, born to slay within himself that which was against Gd.., and gave humble orders to Angelic Rulers to attack and accompany his wars with the wicked god that this world had chosen for itself.., The Warrior would fight and avenge the innocent, the brutalized, the victimized, the forgotten, the ones who were taken advantage of.., the warrior would fight and fight.., until his Lord asked him to stop and close his eyes. The warrior was alive only to allow His Lord to rescue lives and in this was his life’s calling, heights and sole purpose#

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Too Real – Poem

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The problem that I face with the world
is that everything is too real and I am too soft..!
I believe in the absolute best despite facing a lifetime of evil, hurt and angst..,
My scars have deep wisdom.., but my heart has deeper innocence..,
A few days ago.., a girl who had dumped a guy was hacked to death by the guy she left.., no happy endings.., no background theme music.., just real evil happeing in a place used to daily routine and crowds.., what an ugly violent manifestation..,
A day before that murder.., she was alive.., happy.., possibly dreaming about clearing off the debt for her parents with her I.T. job.., but now she has become a tormented face that reminds people of cruelty…,
Will people remember her in the same way …?
We walk past homeless souls whose entire lives have been one big agony and we don’t flinch or even feel their pain..?
How cruel are we..? Do we realize that we are going to be asked such questions by the Lord at Judgment..?
I wonder if demons rejoiced at another lost soul lost to eternity..?
I wonder if the killer thought things through, I wonder if he saw past his own hurt..? Why dear Lord are we possessed of a will that exists only to bring ruin and shame unto us..?
How can you unsee such an atrocity..? how do you find the words for such a tragedy..?
What are you supposed to do when this is the routine in the world I feel, see and live..?
How can happiness be preached when death, cruelty, pain and suffering are all I see..?
But i’m not complaining.., I survived my suicide.., I experienced a hand reaching out to me from the supernatural realm and save a routine fatality..,
but still I am a healer in a world deeply at unease with the forces of brutality and discouragement..,
Each day I am haunted by what I see.., the more others don’t have… the more at unease I feel.
I can’t sleep.., the human soul is at unease and rushes into evil, murderous lust and wickedness.., I pray.., I am always acutely aware of the unrest.., of the living shadowy beings …, I am always aware that something is always at work around me.., my sensitivity feeds my inner life with what my natural eyes can’t ever see…,
I pray for my town regularly.., I pray for souls to know the truth that can set them free.., I pray for Angelic protection for my brethren living in places infested with hate.., thievery and fear.., I pray for natural man to encounter the spiritual force of Christ.., I pray for eyes to see.., for ears to hear and for hearts to feel God..,
I dream sometimes that God will save us all.., I dream sometimes that I can build a shelter for homeless dogs.., I dream someday that the Church that I build will shelter homeless people in the night.
I dream sometimes that Hell will become empty.., It’s real sad to know the fate of the world.., Friends you still have a life.., seek the truths of Jesus and be absolutely sure in your conviction of Him if you are going to reject Him.., Narrow is the path that leads to life and few there are that find it.

First hit… Memories of shame

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I am always trying to ponder inner realities that exist within me. Coming to terms with what they are conveying.., I perhaps to write to understand what I feel so powerfully within me.., I write to share my side of the fence.., I write to live.., I write because I am in love with words, stories, prose, beauty, literature and secrets and feel compelled to treasure this gift of gab. I believe that a writer is someone whose soul can see past the nature of make believe outer reality, and into the real heart of things.

I can’t understand what is happening in my heart.., but I feel a tremendous heaviness on it right now. My Father and I had had our usual Saturday night conversation.., the topics varied from England dropping out of the EU to my sermon that I had just finished delivering in the church opposite to our house. He highlighted things in my sermon that were hard to take.., it was the usual criticism.., ‘repetitions, unwanted honesty, forgetfulness…’ etc.., I had to listen to my parents and their observations since they were just as sensitive as me when it comes to not realizing the brevity and reality of things. All my happiness and joy at battling intense inner fear, nervous anxiety, strain etc and then standing before young people who were so cynical, dismissive and attempted to mockingly laugh and smile at your face and delivering a message fizzled away as I listened to what he was saying.., He could be really persistent when he wished to convey truths about my sermon that I could never see…, Call me insane but.., I don’t understand criticism because I deal with my own inner insecurity.., and to heave a dose of observation right after a tremendous test was quite horrifying to me…I sometimes wish people listened with their heart and not with their mind.., but he is my dad and I love him in ways that I can’t even comprehend.., he has done so much for me.., and struggles with a burden so big.., for my sake…, I can’t help but listen to my hero…but I have to remind myself to sit alone with my Lord.., perhaps I can climb above the slab of the upper floor and be alone.., and pour my heart, my tears and my feelings to Him who truly cares…, maybe I can become sane again.

I’ve discovered that most of us are expert talkers.., but few can look beneath the layers and words and understand the heart.., and find the selflessness to love back courageously and look past our own scars, wounds and weaknesses…, True Love seems to be too easy to long for and so hard to find. I am no longer content with human love.., I demand, desire and hunger for a love that can conquer.., accept me at my absolute worst and encounter me at my most insane and still love me fiercely, ferociously and insanely.., So far I can only count Jesus in that list.., nobody else comes even close.., perhaps my parents, sis and doggy can be added after a billion kilometers.., but then again God gave them to me.., and they ask me to love God more than them.., maybe I could place them after a million kms since for the first 25 years or so they were the only reflection of God that I could see, feel and enjoy and they were incredible, amazing and otherworldly at it. I’m blessed and thankful always.

I remember not so long ago when I bumped into an old acquaintance of mine. He had been a mentor to me in my past.., but a hard, no compassion showing dictator who was relentless in his handling of me.., I was chastised often.., rebuked often.., told to study hard.., and it always felt like his methods were too extreme.., too hard and too painful for a hyper sensitive, dreamer in love with his imagination such as myself… and I could clearly see that I was nothing like him… He had built up his own empire from scratch.., he started one of the most powerful ministries during the 90’s and had been responsible for a wave of revival that had hit Vellore during that time.., all of a sudden there was a surge of meetings, revival meetings, youth meetings, Godly sightings.., Angelic Sightings.., curing of terminal illnesses such as Cancer, Aids, Tumors etc… God had touched the sun scorched soil of Vellore in centuries.., and my Ex Mentor had been in the thick of things.., He was a disciplinarian, who was a hardcore perfectionist… He had a soft side to him and I could see it work on certain people.., but he was above the pack and was always leading the charge and taking all hostages with him.

Growing up I had always struggled with feelings that I could never be good at anything. I saw people naturally blooming all around me.., and I was never good at anything…, I struggled with insecurity.., inferiority and shame.., I always dreamt of killing myself in my early years.

I was his polar opposite, ie of my Imperfect Mentor.., I was a free spirit, but I could feel too powerfully the pain of a hurting, broken world.., I was deeply hurt at the plight of the street dogs whose stomachs had shrunk and the bones of their rib cage showed real clearly.., I felt pained when I saw people throwing stones at their feet, I was hurt by the fact that dogs and human beings had to search in the trash for food…, I was hurt by how some people never had the freedoms and privileges that I enjoyed.., my heart was always reaching out to the lonely, the hurt and the broken… I disliked the life that everybody led, I wanted to live a life that I enjoyed.. the childhood version of it was to live on an island away from people and that island would have libraries, food for eternity and a world class view of the stars that I would see every single night.., I enjoyed freedom, I loved being free.., I did not like to be tied down, I always dreamt of freedom the more I found myself in systems.., I enjoyed sports.., and I had a hunger in my soul to reach for the stars.. I dreamt all day long of fame.., of fortune and of beautiful stories that I could imagine, and maybe create someday.

After the initial years of growing up next to him, my parents decided that I would do a year in my Dad’s Alma Mater – MCC.., up and until that moment I felt trapped in Vellore.., Vellore was too raw and primal.., there wasn’t class, refinement, integrity or friendliness here…, I felt nothing but inner torment, anguish and boredom in my early years.., School was a bore.., I struggled to cope up…, I was detained after classes all the time.., or I had to cross paths with stronger, more assertive seniors who used me to beef up their own credentials.., I was either a punching bag or a source of teasing and scorn.., My skin color was highlighted which made me feel ugly, unwanted and awkward.., I was never accepted by my peers for some strange reason.., most of them were the sons and daughters of either rich industrialists or doctors.., I guess I was not their type.., I felt unwanted by them .. My teachers did not exactly convey any feelings of me being embraced or celebrated either…, You remember what people don’t say to you and what people can’t see in you.., I still do to this day.., I remember feeling like I was of no use to this world and I dreamt often of death and suicide… I was an invisible person who had to live like I was different.., like I was not special and like I was of a lower species…, My language speaking skills would be highlighted often.., or my grades would be brought up.., Nobody worried for me.., they were just shoving my lack of interest in academia into my face and telling me that I was useless. The hardest part of it was to feel shame for the sake of my parents.., who I could see were such kind, gentle souls and here I was shoving a brutal reality pill into their faces because of my sensitive soul… They had worked hard to get to where they were.., my Dad had undergone tremendous trials.., losing both his parents.. moving here and there.., taking care of his sisters…, struggling to come up in his own life, and my mother came from a very poverty stricken family and had studied hard to reach the management ranks of the most prestigious hospitals in our town… I had let them down.., here they were working so hard under really hard circumstances to make something of me, and here I was just wasting it all away.., I was never considered for anything or thought to be anything.., I loved sports.., but nobody took a special interest in me.., or thought that I could amount to much.., Growing up I so badly wanted somebody to believe in me and push me in fields that I was interested in.., but sadly I had none.

Such experiences with the unkind, non grace offering parts of life made me really hunger and long for love, for empathy.., for being understood despite what was going on on the surface.., I wanted people to feel sorrow for me.., but I was confused since I saw people from even lower places than me survive, fight and live.., this further made me despise myself and made me close my mouth. I did not want to talk it out to somebody and listen to them talk about things on the surface.. Nobody had the power to perceive the depths of me.. No one.. Unless I talked about it.., and when I did.., it did not impact them in the level that it impacted me.., my inner struggles helped me listen deeply to other warriors dealing with a cruel cruel life.., late on in my life.., my wounds, scars and inner demons created an artist…, created a resource so deep for my craft.., but the same feelings that I heard in my earlier years would trickle into my heart after any accomplishment.., ‘This is not good enough..’, ‘ Is this the best that you can give..?’…, ‘ Look at him/her they seem to do it in a way that feels easier than you..’.., ‘ This felt easy.., you’ve not been really challenged yet..’.., ‘ You call this writing..? A 8 year old with no understanding can write better stuff than what you just did…’ …, and so on and so forth.

When we had moved into the colony that we are staying at right now, he was the only person who was caring enough to welcome us and to also help us ingratiate ourselves to the culture of the small island of Christian only homes that stretched down two parallel streets. He was so kind.., and took such genuine efforts to include us and make us feel welcome…, but I remember the initial awkwardness of it all.., I remember my neighbors treat my mother with disrespect as she attempted friendly conversations with them.. I could not see it in their faces but I got a hint of it in my heart.., I was offended that they could respond to my mother’s genuine smile with a calculated one, how inconsiderate were they that they offered hate for love..? And I was never wrong about them.., all those highly rude individuals always seemed to find newer ways to establish their supremacy in our lives, their facial coldness seldom seemed to still.., they were always wound up, always ready to attack and always eager to express their imaginary dominance… and I am a really objective guy.., but I have always abstained from those who don’t welcome… I believe that it all comes down to early experiences. I have always struggled with being rejected.., I still do.., now I am a tough nut to crack.., but my heart is too soft. I am like my mom.., dedicated, personal and intense.., I used to alienate myself and rebel to gain strength briefly but I comply, conform and humble myself for the sake of the gospel these days, and the friendship of my Lord has really helped me forget those initial difficulties.

Nothing special seemed to happen to me.., nobody wanted to talk to me.., nobody seemed excited to be my friend.., nobody could really see me.., I understand it all now.., but the heart of a guy who knows and desires love but finds emptiness.., egoism and hostility can be hurt eternally. I did not get any love letters.., I was not anybody’s best friend.., I was hurt by the lack of interest.. by the indifference.. by the unkindness and chiefly by the inability to perceive one as being important, necessary, needed etc hurt me. But I guess those initial years and the senses that I absorbed have made me the person that I am today.., have helped me take on the cross for Christ’s sake.., and have created in me a hunger to find people who suffer the same silence that I did.., and perhaps lead them with the help of the Holy Spirit to the Lord Himself.

I don’t know who ends up reading this.., but I will beckon you to attempt to make the world a better place than the way you found it. I implore you to know Jesus as your personal Savior since the world can overwhelm, destroy and kill your good intentions.., but Christ can help you with His strength and power and lead you to work for the Kingdom of God.., and believe me the benefits are out of this world.

Becoming like Christ is an active process

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I am discovering often that just because you work in an evangelistically oriented situation.. it does not mean that there won’t be petty differences, invisible egoistic grudges, sharp irritations at other’s actions that just refuse to die away despite repeated struggles to do what is right…and an everyday disturbance at the heart of the collective mentality…, I can see a working of the dark side( our enemy) and our own dark side in such cases.. Balance, equilibrium, selflessness, finding the right way of working that unites us all despite our different styles and roles is something that requires an open mind, a willingness and a dedication to create, work at and bring something of Christ into the heart of an organization, and not be so caught up in legalistic mindsets that only find ways to pass the blame and never ever have the integrity and the courage to deal with our own problems which are as equally capable of causing the rifts, the separations and the lonely islands that are nothing but self resuscitating pools of bitterness.

Happily I find that the so called fellowship is more of a God created place where He brings us together and not the act of people, there was a time in my life when I heard such words being tossed around and it scared me since I was very keen on not attracting attention.., and I felt little to no relief and felt no sense of community in the places that I attended.., I understand now that the people there gravitated towards whatever made them feel significant.., I was wrongly assuming that Christ was the connecting factor.., it never was or it was sidetracked often.., I have a few negative memories and it wouldn’t be fair to generalize every effort and ministry to such a place.., but the focus is constantly being diverted, the cause constantly changed, and the presence and the visibility of the individuals involved constantly held to a place where Christ deserves the Chair…, I find it strange, understandable and relatable.., God is often lost in the details of our lives.. We lose him when we fear what we have always feared would happen, We lose Him when we doubt His existence, when we find prayers unanswered and find outward circumstances test our limits and patience… We are in a risky place when we assume that we are doing is right in our own eyes.., In many instances in the Old Testament, the Israelite’s fell into captivity, by committing serious national and personal sins when they disobeyed the Lord as a unit, especially when the Lord warned them of engaging in them since He knew that He wanted His people to enjoy Him and Him alone, and not become trapped in things that would destroy them inwardly and outwardly. The trouble that they brought upon themselves on account of such crimes is something that we all can learn from, the years of wandering, the continual wars, the bloodshed, the homelessness, the captivity, the cruel bondage and labor, the slavery under tyrants, dictators and zealots…. the feeling of hopelessness, atheistic bitterness and anguish was so severe that God sent them prophets to help the people understand the causes and to offer a source of reconciliation and redemption.

Fellowship I have discovered is an act of longing.. a longing to experience God through a group, to do His will as a group.., and to not spend so much time focusing on human errors, individual faults and inabilities since we all possess them in some form or degree that we are either blinded to or in denial of.., It is a place of growth, self discovery in Christ and joy… Much like a Church…, Ministerial activities need clarity, disposition and a servant like willingness… and it is seldom the work of so called righteous believers who are blissfully unaware of their effects on other people, no man can take the place of God… Hallelujah…it is a place where we can just give up all our pretenses, our inabilities, our indifference’s and just lay it at the feet of the only one who is able to reconcile us all in our hearts, our minds and chiefly in our spirits. I am incredibly happy in the knowledge that though we are called to take the actions, to bring the people, to be mindful of glorifying the Lord..He loves each one tenderly and unconditionally and is amongst us whenever we put aside what we feel separates us from each other, and helps us through our efforts to bring His heart deeper into our collective fiber and do a better job at representing Him in our lives, and among others.