Unfulfilled Longings – Fictional Short Story

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I’ve been trying to forget her for a long long time and failing really badly at it. It felt like I enjoyed how I felt about her to such an intensity that I struggled to let it go.., but I knew that I had to. God had strictly asked me to let her go.., but I am not a powerful Creator who is mature and absolutely perfect, and who has never made mistakes for billions upon billions of years.., I struggle with my humanity, I struggle with my version of love which involves me falling for people that I like but to whom I can never become loved in their own version of reality. I know that life is unfair this way.. but I get it.., I really do.., It’s not exactly a delightful truth.., but you gradually begin to take it impersonally and learn to accept people for their mistakes and maybe forgive them someday, and accept the fact that their rejection of you is no fault of their own.. It’s just that they can’t see deep inside of your soul, your inner person and your hidden character. People are blind to what is unseen, and the unseen is the very birthplace of romantic love.

It was a dream that helped me remember her again. I would be lying if I were to tell you that she was never in my thoughts. Her name was ingrained into my brain, a mere uttering of her name brought delights into me that prompted much fancy and imagination. She had blocked me on instagram, and on facebook she avoided my messages. She had even friendzoned me in the past, did the universal women’s code for disinterest by not replying to any of my messages for a year, and the last time that she had breezed in acting like there was nothing wrong between us.., she acted like she and I talked daily for hours upon hours.., she played with my feelings before leaving as quickly as she came. Nothing new here. Just a universal female act and drama, since I am highly sensitive.., I felt the familiar meltdown and inner accusation begin. I wrestled with thoughts that insulted my lack of self restraint, I heard voices of painful condemnation that let me know that I should’ve known better with all my years of experiencing rejection. Rejection did not sit well with me.., it would be a thorn in my flesh and sting deep and hurt deep whenever my mind wished to torment me. Perhaps i’m in a war with finding love.

I should describe to you the dream. I remember it vaguely. But the message and the moral of it was clear, it was defeat. I was suffering defeat and rejection from her. If you know me, you should know well that I don’t take defeat well. I remember those who have defeated me, it’s like a curse.., even though Christ has helped me forgive them.., I can’t easily forget those in whose presence I suffered embarrassment, shame and disgrace. As a man, I would avenge my losses.., I had to struggle with such feelings in my faith and force myself to let it go. What I loved about Christ was that, He helped me see that my inner problems were far more greater than the problems of the world and far more dangerous and deadly than all the celebrities, famed ones and writers.

I have no clue as to what triggered me to dream about her. I remember that week well, my faith had just overcome a deadly fear of facing murderous henchmen as I preached the gospel. All day long I would be bombarded by these images, it felt like I was drowning in them and the voices would condemn me about my fears, and about my lack of courage.., and they would whisper that they knew that I was afraid to die for Christ. No matter how strong I attempted to make myself courageous, I lost heart.., because all my life I’ve been afraid of pain, of suffering, of falling victim to poverty, of losing my parents to an accident.., and to many horrors that were all too common in my world. But I remember the LORD just transferring a strange sense of inner burning within me. I was burning and burning within myself, in my heart and just on fire for Christ. I witnessed people drawn to the Gospel and it felt surreal.. how was it possible in this town brimming with strong inner tensions and spiritual evils..? It felt like the fire was living within me made the gospel become more truer than human understanding and affirmations could confirm. I started to receive incredible dreams, many of them were prophetic..,revealing things about my life and calling that I did not wish to be true.

The Lord was again asking me stop longing after her. Believe me when I say to you that I tried to forget her.., I really really did.. but not really. No disrespect to the Lord.., but I couldn’t understand what that even meant. For three years I had stayed pure, moral and single. Despite a bit of fame, I was a saint in my public life, I resisted temptation and ran away from fair maidens in an attempt to please God and to reveal to Him that I was serious about Him this time. I still struggled with lusts in my personal life, but I never gave up in my vision to become more and more Godly. She seemed to initiate in me a delight and joy that I didn’t have a reference to compare it to. I fell for her three years before in a way that I had not done in my entire life, and believe me I’ve fallen many times into empty one sided infatuations. I knew that the Lord’s sharpness of language was done more out of a protective instinct.., i’ve been around Him enough to sense that the deeper and the more deadlier the danger, the sharper His language becomes. I’ve picked up on nuances when i’m around Him.., He speaks a lot when He is still, silent and non-responsive. The Lord is my best friend, I’ve learned to trust Him and even love Him when He is angry and upset with me.., I love how passionate, zealous and possessive He is of me.. even though I pathetically suck at things like immediate obedience. I fail to satisfy Him, but He satisfies me more than words can ever comprehend.

The dream started with me in a place filled with busy people. The people around me felt like they were worldly, a theme that my spirit feels a deep seated unrest with. Since I could always sense that there was something wrong with the picture that I was forced to live in, and I grew always in a state of rattled nerves and disturbed confusion of the world around me. She was there.., I refuse to say her name since it triggers intense longings,wishes and dreams. But she was there.. Perhaps the whole dream was indicative of why she said no to me. I have mistakenly and accidentally tied the knot to somebody for whom I feel nothing, and I am overcome with sorrow at my choice. She meanwhile is stronger than my emotional dilemma, she is stronger to push herself to reach professional success.., I feel like the visual scene despite being hazy was a mixture of college energy and professional glory.., and I could sense another character as well.., a character who possessed her, it was not love.., but it was more of a symbol of belonging. She belonged to him.., he had her wrapped in his fingers despite her fiery, independent nature. And as the reality sinks into me, I break down in shame and defeat. I shudder with my hands above my head in tears, and nobody pays me any notice in this scene. As a fan of Jung, I can read much into the yearnings,the themes and the way that they play out. But I’m convinced that this means that she is trouble. Trouble for my spirit, trouble for my heart and trouble for my mind. I had to abort all of my longings for her that were spawning endless stories, poems and dialogues that I wrote like scripts.. memorizing their ability to transport me to an imaginary confrontation with her.

I woke up feeling melancholic, irate and fully clear about what that dream conveyed, even though I hadn’t discovered the words to explain it yet. I initially struggled to hastily speak this dream to a Gifted Dream interpreter, since the Lord has not enabled that gift within me much to my hurt and pain. I get dreams though, every now and then, it feels like the Lord does not me to become a vision interpreter, or a seer.., and I struggle to deal with that. But I guess it’s okay, even though it’s not. If only I could do something about it, if only I could.

I still remember running into her for the first time. I was just recovering from alcoholic addiction and desperately wanted to stay away from temptation. It was on one of those short story sites, I wrote haunting, melancholic and incomplete stories brimming with passion, love and sadness. I wrote what I struggled to let go. I wrote what saddened me about people that I knew who lived with broken spirits, and I wrote to console other lost souls struggling with similar themes. Believe it or not, my writing was far better then. No, seriously it was.. I had had a dramatic encounter with Jesus Christ, and that had flipped me over upside down, all the fears that had bound me and destroyed me inwardly were asked to leave. I knew that they were fallen spirits, evil to their core.. Who belonged to a realm that the non spiritual eye and mind could not see. The Bible was the only way through which people understood the reality of these dark, hideous beings who worked for lucifer, they enjoyed destroying a man through his mind. I have literally been near the shore of madness, I have stared at myself through the eyes of madness, I know well that only Christ rescued me from such a dangerous and dark evil. My Savior did incredible wonders for me, chiefly to my creative tools, He reminded me time and time again that my imagination, my love for words, stories and my love to understand people as stories came from Him. He even reminded me of His own style of speaking to people through parables the truths of Heaven.

Writing became easier for me because God’s presence in my heart, mind and soul was doing wonders for my creativity. His gift of a new spirit added newer dimensions to my thoughts, to my fertile imagination and to my human longings. My stories were vivid, deep, clear and less tormented.., but yet they were haunting since they spoke truthfully of the sadness of unfulfilled love. How ironic that one such story prompted her friendship..? I still can’t understand why she talked to me.., her friends..i.e her profile friends were well established artists, connoisseurs and craftsmen.. I was an unseen artist who lived for creative glory and art. I’ve often wondered if it was a deception sparked by the fallen ones done in order to remind me of my past blunders and romantic suffering or if it was an incident where I assumed that she was my God ordained muse, lover and wife. I tend to forget often that I am not attractive in some people’s eyes.., especially over an electronic space.., where millions of people portray parts and bits of them in order to draw, lure and attract souls in a revolting worship. It’s not easy for someone to really discover you in the way and intensity that you wish to be found.

I had written a tremendously upbeat tragedy of a love affair. I had utilized the settings to create emotional .. Much like Scorsese’s love for neighborhoods.., I painted a vivid picture of Madras.., and poured into it the longings of human beings beguiled and desperate for love, but often wounding seekers by rapidly retreating. The hero was a struggling writer, the heroine was an Anglo-Indian.., The writer’s friend has a thing for him, and it is her friend who is the heroine.., they are drawn to each other.., but being the rationalist that the heroine is she reasons everything.., and plays a dangerous game of engaging and disengaging the hapless hero, who struggles to find a muse, and a proper intuitive settings for his love. Much of it was from my own life obviously, the heroine character was someone that I had wrongly fallen for at a friend’s wedding. I never saw her again.. Ever. I wished to memorize and commemorate her intrusion into my life with a story that I had written over many many sad songs.

She waltzed in with her usual, girly feminism and joy. Sparkling a conversation that was overwhelming, unexpected and deeply useful for a recovering alcoholic, she revealed everything about herself on that first day. I am still surprised by how in control I was on that particular day, midway through our many hour long conversation…her joy at meeting a genuine artist had faded, my charm had faded and she slwoly began to realize that she was out of control. Reason entered, warnings entered, multiple news stories of creeps online entered her mind.., she freaked and got distant. I could swear to you that on that first day – she fell for me, that she fell in love with me. I might sound desperate, unreasonable and clingy but believe me it’s true. But after that something changed. She never opened up, I wondered rationally if she felt that she didn’t wish to lead me on, I wondered if it was something about how I looked in my online profile, or was it some feminine danger radar that had alerted her.. I didn’t know. By then I had flung my well reasoned control out, and started to become more honest with her.. I would have to wait for hours to get her online, and when she was there she was distant.., aloof, detached.. She didn’t open up.., she spoke briefly and left. There would be occasional signs of life.., a post of mine would get liked.., or she would send some song suggestion on Facebook directly to my messenger.., but after that again the deafening silence would continue… how we had vibed together as people the first time never happened another time.. I could sense her longings, her desires.., but yet again the block was there….I would send non creepy messages well stretched over a space of time, well stretched over months.., and again her defense was impregnable. Something was up. I started to divert my mind, I had been down this road one too many times before, I was on the brink of eternity.. I didn’t wish to fall back into the pit from which the Lord had saved me from. Because I knew with spiritual discernment that it always ended up in the same romantic hell – unfulfilled agony and endless inner hurt. I wanted to protect myself and take myself out of the situation. Because I knew so many souls who were still chasing something they believed was true a million years ago. This was the real ugly nature of female interaction, they start more doubts than calm one’s fears.

After many months and months of shame, defeat and hurt. I walked down to the Lord and asked Him to help me. Can you believe that..? I had forgotten all about my best friend the whole time on this one issue alone and run down yet another fruitless rabbit hole..? How absurd and idiotic. From His comforting side, I stared down into my choice and realized how blind I had been to all the danger signs. I finally allowed myself to be still and comforted myself with my Lord, I was not wrong for believing in something true, noble and beautiful between two human souls.. People are more calculated when it came to matters of the human heart, let’s just say that I believed in it with more innocence, truth and effort.

So that’s the whole deal.. but hey this could’ve happened to anyone right..?

Lost love

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The day does not possess enough hours for me to capture all of my thoughts on subjects that matter dearly to me. My life as a writer is on a hiatus, and for the time I have been coursing through the dry plains of ministry work and evangelism,  figuring out what exactly my calling requires of me and doing whatever nitty gritty work that I can find often creates a deep unrest within me. On one end, serving God is my strongest, most fiercest desire and I enjoy every minute of it, but my passion has been put on hold, and it relays its hurt time and time again, I believe that any unused gift dies a cruel death in the busyness of one’s personal life, and I don’t wish to become one such person. I am above and beyond everything, someone who has found his way through words, through dreams, through thoughts and primarily through questions. My life’s narrative is one of finding a way through the darkness of my being.

But I strongly believe that whatever has been done for the Glory of God will be put back in one’s life again, and that is why the joy of the Lord remains my one true strength, I keep returning to it time and time again even as I face the Sculptor’s hard hammer in my public, spiritual and private life.

I am up late, again. Lost in longings, wishes and thoughts.

I had wanted to spend some personal time with the Lord, but unread articles called me from my laptop, I have 60 unread tabs in my Android’s browser and twenty unopened ones in my laptop.., I need to read them…, I am putting away reading time and time again.., the book pile on my desk keeps growing.., the unfinished articles keep increasing.., up to 50 on my desktop actually and the unread articles keep increasing…, therefore I have temporarily put the Lord on hold, I feel like I am betraying Him whenever I write things that are actually the other way around…, It is me who loses important spiritual empowerment, nourishment and feeding by putting away time with the Lord, I feel tremendously upset whenever I am absorbed in myself more than I am in Him… But I believe and feel that His watchful eyes are over me always,even  as I wish to spend time around Him but engaged in other things.. I never want Him to be too far from me.., and that is not because He protects, loves and blesses me continually.., but I believe that the purpose of my creation is to enjoy Him above all things.., To love and to enjoy Him eternally.

I feed useful information to my thinker’s brain. I have before me various articles, a few New York times pieces, a few Christian themed articles, and a book about John Ramirez’s incredible coming to Christ after serving Satan for over 20 years through the Mexican spiritualism, Santeria. I don’t know if I will be able to read them all, I have too little time right now, and the office folks are tardy, self righteous folks of the sun grazed town… If there is one thing that I despise, it is impatience in dealing with people, and my fellow brethren seem to plunge and become possessed by it’s spirit often.

I am reading an article right now on Modern love, a realistic but contrived account of the love lives of modern day new yorkers. I am deeply struck by how messy, curious and difficult love is in it’s realest sense. Take away the attraction to the opposite sex, the lusts that drive the magnetism and the giddy completeness that grounds a couple deeply intent on connecting their hearts together… and love is reduced to the other refuse of our world, of our lives and of our own selves.  It’s end seems to shatter one in his deepest parts, it’s absence seems to make one seem as though he were the loneliest man on the planet, and it’s break or divorce seems to crush, vex and trouble the spirit incessantly until tremendous effort is expended in order to move forward. I should know, I am a survivor of broken love myself, and I have to tell you, it can crush one’s soul and life.. but then again, not everyone is as sensitive, intense and dreamy as I, but maybe we all are, but we just can’t seem to find it in the other person and in the way they use and fit their masks.

The theme was the pursuit of lost love. The last two words sent a shiver in me, a sense of delight that is joyful in it’s sorrow… ‘LOST LOVE’ – the single grandest pursuit of my former life. I must confess to a secret, to an obsession with lost things.. to chances that still haunt me after all these years – esp lost girlfriends, lost romantic opportunities, lost chances… I have been an optimist my entire life even if I have had an extended affair with sorrow and pain.., I have always believed that I would meet the great obsessions of my life at some point and that I would be able to rekindle what was lost, but as a man is being sobered up for the final romantic commitment of his life, his entire life flashes before him, the women he has loved at each part and act of his life, the joys that his infatuations provided unto him in the innocence of his innocuous youth, the long sleepless nights spent dreaming up a life with his sweetheart, those rare occasions in which his inner universe created a masterful drama with his muse as he slept, which he then proceeded to spend hours replaying during physics class in the mornings at a dreadful hostel located deep in Thirunelveli.

I have spent a major part of my life lost in finding love, I have lived for over 28 years now, that translates to roughly 10,521 days. My Instagram account meanwhile has 10,217 pics, unconsciously I have added a pic each for every day of my life on this planet, if only I had struck up a big fortune by now, I would have repayed every penny that I have ever owed to my parents…, because I want to…, because that way I could really really love them with the love of Christ that I am learning right now and not be so consumed about their investment in me…, but maybe the financial aspect of their love is important to me.., When one makes a financial investment on you, you become more generous towards them as well…I constantly dream about completing their housing loans, I constantly dream about striking it big and then sharing it with everyone that I have loved in my family. Repaying is a big principle of mine, it is something that I deeply deeply believe in, I believe this is where you get a glimpse into the type of person that I am.., Cherish it, honesty and genuineness these days is a rarity, much like the blue moon, like the Kohinoor diamonds, like the Haley’s comet and like everything else that was claimed to come to life, but rarely did.

I will be turning 29 this March, and I can sense powerful shifts at work in my life… People have begun to inquire about me in my town, send in pictures of their daughter to my parents who study it studiously and place it before our Lord and ask for His take on things. I don’t understand how the complications of all our lives will be sorted out, most of us repress the information, some of us seem to forget the events of the past, but the past has turned us into the people that we are today, and that is why I am praying that if I do get, dare I say..”Married”, that whoever she is.., She would help me forget everyone before her, and make sure that there are none after her…, I want her to be the one for me.., and I want myself to be her one as well.., after a lifetime of one sided infatuations that were rejected often times coldly and harshly.., I want the attraction to be mutual this time. Love has made me suffer too much.

And perhaps that is why I write, the article conjured up many memories, the memories always delight my heart, they delight me until they gently remind me of my loss. I guess they belong to me, I own them because I put myself out there, and allowed myself to feel rejected whenever someone I deeply loved became someone that I used to know. What sucks even more is the fact that I was socially challenged, insecure as the entire subcontinent of India and shier than all the men in all the known world, and possibly even in the deepest jungles of Africa and South America, since I assume that is where the deepest jungles lie. That is one of the great paradoxes of my life, the fact that I was never made for human contact, but yet my God given gifts are used in service on a pulpit, on Facebook, on WordPress, on Instagram, in my Ministry and in my life.., How strange that the single most antisocial person in the entire planet could be used by a HOLY, Almighty Creator for His Glory..? How Awesome to even imagine such a plight..! Yet it is becoming truer and truer in my life even as the tides hit me so powerfully every now and then.

The great tragedies of my life happened in places that I intensely dislike…, Object 1. I present to your perusal, Scene A,  as I prepared to board the Trivandrum Mail- 22 years old.., eager to experience the world but bitter about my current plight as an underpaid writer for a Coffee table magazine that nobody read, the overcrowded general compartment with it’s pungent, foul smelling stench of paan hit me hard, I have replayed the entire scene as it happened many many times…I ran into her one last time , she perhaps can claim the title of the single greatest love of my life…,  I had fallen for her hard, and had stayed that way for more than four years…, She had joined B.Tech Biotech as I was in my second year of B.sc Biotech at VIT…, The entire first year batch, raw, fresh and innocent had walked past me … In my former glory, I had been quite indecent in my glee of their fear of the seniors, I was visually checking them all out…, I enjoyed making them avert their eyes…, they would soon lose their fears and become more and more dominant…, whilst me being the shy introvert, would avoid all such power plays and become lost in my thoughts and fantasies…it was then that I saw her…, Sassy, beautiful, with milky skin.., scared but defiant.., cute but very feminine…, I never got the courage to talk to her.., much less interact with her.., I was in love with her for over five long years…, I followed her everywhere, not stalking her or making her uncomfortable.., just letting her know that I was like into her and stuff…, I guess she knew.., Girls always do.., they have an intuitive brain, they pick it out with ease and then proceed to promptly friendzone anyone and everyone who in their opinion is not worth their penny. In her eyes I was probably just a fawning, over-excited hormonal College punk, she never got to know the real me.., the shy, timid, soft spoken guy who wanted to save the world someday, I was denied an opportunity of knowing her…. The railway station scene happened after I had left college, disillusioned deeply about life.., desperately searching for strength and identity…, I had landed in MCC, a hip college, well known for it’s class, sophistication and name…, After a year there, I had started to work and had found a job writing for a software company’s magazine.., I felt entrapped, bitter and quite hurt for ending up in a place that was hard and difficult, I was routinely traveling by train from Vellore to Chennai, I had to make the journey two times in a day.., that amounted to four to five hours of travel, or maybe six. I was being broken down into something that had to fit, and then she returned like all my unexpected dreams…, I saw her without realizing it, She did too… She hesitated for a moment, jerked awake by who I was.., she remembered the muscular baller, she remembered the years of staring, she remembered the desperate attempts to notify her of my presence.., she remembered, but then she walked away.., and I went to my seat by the train steps.., never had the train sped by so fast…, She rushed back into my heart, into my life.., into everything.., but what rushed back were my desires, but she left… I never saw her again.. Ever. I may have searched for her in over 10,000 profiles on Facebook.., but yet I can’t seem to find her..,  I hate to say it.., but maybe sometimes things aren’t meant to be found.

I have a hard time accepting certain unchangeable realities in this harsh world of ours. Because I keep trying and trying but nobody seems to notice what I do right.., it is only the wrongs that they are quick to pick on. But I guess, that I should wrap up this writing session abruptly, since dawn is here and only a few hours remain before I can go on to work.., I have written approximately 2,833 words over an hour, I have allowed myself to become vulnerable again and the feelings will probably stay until I can talk it out with the Lord, I did not pray…, I did nothing useful today apart from the past few hours.., The day awaits with it’s challenges, pressures and emotions…, and it is time that I shut my eyes and forget the soul with it’s intake of my existence.., Lost loves.., maybe they are never meant to be found, if you love someone… Tell them today.., Tomorrow might just be too late.

 

 

 

Late night confessions – Dreamer’ Chronicles

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I worry when I can’t find something to write about. I get more anxious when the slightest disturbances tick me off when I am trying to write…. I worry often that I could permanently lose my connection to writing… I worry about things that seem more real than reality itself. Writing is a place of drowning for me…, Writing is a place where passion meets silence…, and they merge together like translucent worlds…Creating oceanic infinity unto which I find my soul adrift in… I go gently into the depths and drown myself….I feel my heart worshipping my Maker as I find meaning in the mundane and use it to create pictures that would last longer than the finished hours.. The World of Words, Stories and thoughts like ripples sink deeper into the Mighty Ocean of my Soul… I allow my heart to take over and wander… Hungry to create, Dissolving my being into the words that flow like moving streams going somewhere. I fancy myself as an eternal seeker, seeking God in the spaces of my heart’s longings and my mind’s thoughts.

I often wonder what God is like…? I wonder what He really thinks about Gay people… Paedophiles… Prostitutes.. My secret sins, My willful sins.. My lack of power in sustaining the spiritual balance and foundation of my Salvation…? Why did He have to create Hell…? Why do so many people die everyday…? I wonder when my death will come..? I wonder when the Rapture would occur…? I wonder how something as deeply evil as sin came about in this world – I wonder if sin, the cataclysmic, apocalypse demanding Hell creating evil is the direct opposite of God’s ridiculous Grace and Goodness…, I wonder if my self righteous friends are heading to Heaven and I wonder if I am on a highway to Hell…? I wonder if I can ever break the strongholds that seem to always remind me of their presence in my heart…? I wonder if Angels walk by my Gates disguised as Poor, wretched Beggars…, I wonder if I can ever fall in love again after the mess, the scars and the consequent lows that followed..? I wonder if I could give my life to Christ as a Martyr..? I wonder if I will ever finish writing my beloved book project…?

I read an angry, powerful blog the other day… The writer, a popular blogger was terrifically outraged by the U.S. Supreme Court’s announcement that favored Gay people and their democratic right to marry their partners. The writer was making a point that Jesus is not the peace loving, Grace offering person that people make Him out to be… He was a mighty, Righteous Judge who continually offended people with the truth…, He wielded whips when He discovered His Father’s House turned into a house of salesmen and traders. This was what the blogger was ranting about.., and I could understand his outrage…, he was tired of hearing people quote portions of scripture that justified their actions while blinding them to their mistakes.., and he just wished to educate them on the full character of Christ which I always feel like I have not understood. I fell in love with Jesus at a young age… He to me was the most interesting character of the entire Bible.., in my later years I found David enjoyable.. since I had many traits and life choices that mirrored his… , I realized the presence of a God as I was about to commit suicide two years ago…Trapped in a life that was slowly involving drugs, alcohol and recklessness.. I was supported by God’s words that offered me comfort, counsel and healing without the bruising judgment and confrontation that it usually does… I cling rigidly to the Grace portions… His wonderful protection of the Prostitute.., His Parable of the Prodigal son.., His tender love for Peter even after he betrayed a knowledge of Him…, His love attracts me to Him.. If there was ever someone who loved like Him.. ? My Father made a comment that Christ avoided personal attachments to people, My Father’s theory is that Jesus could not have kept up His personal ministry had He been terribly attached to people. I found myself getting terribly angry at the suggestion.., I fell in love with Jesus assuming that He was already madly and passionately in love with me..! If He was that way in His ministry, how would He treat me like as a redeemed sinner… ? I personally encountered the rich treasures of God’s precious, wonderful grace after accepting Him back into my life and renewing a commitment to Him. My Father often has this unconscious nature of lessening the nature of my story in order to reflect his own choices when he found Christ. I wonder if I can ever truly understand, grasp or ponder upon His nature. He fascinates, challenges, convicts, rebukes, loves, warns, terrifies and occupies me at all times. I can’t draw a picture of Him without pondering at length about every trait of His, and wondering about the spiritual implications and the social settings that inspired His fiery speeches. I feel like that is what the disciples must have encountered.! He was too complex to understand, but too loving to accept them all.. trifles, rejects and outcasts in a broken, legalistic society where God had become a mere phrase, tossed around to suit one’s piety and pious actions. I can understand the warning imminent in the blogger’s post… , I truly get it…, I struggled to keep up the righteous part even after I found my way into Him.. No overnight, dramatic changes occurred.. but my old heart and her ways were gone…, I felt new, fresh, cleansed, cleaned up and free… As a part of my attempts at disciplining my former life’s energies, I tried to read through Paul’s complex and blunt letters…, Most of them offended me and most of them challenged me. I wept, cried and complained to the Lord all the time that He was making this too hard for me…, I remember a time when I was not afraid to burn in Hell( a quite foolish pride and vanity of course).. My reasons were that if God’s ways were too forceful and demanding… I’d rather choose pain than go and live a perfect life in a perfect place full of perfect people – Saints, Obedient children and Perfectionists… I was quite happy being surrounded by hardened sinners who routinely lived a scandalous, riotous life without the slightest concern for a Holy God…, but at least they did not seem to be bothered much by my lifestyle or by my presence…, God on the meanwhile was too Holy, Perfect and Absolute for my tastes… He in my opinion seemed too hard to follow. But I found strangely that I was wrong…, and that God’s ways and character were too deep and too good in order for me to run away from Him. In all honesty, I wanted to run towards Him as much as I have wanted to run away from Him. Something about Him made me stay… Something about Him made me want to take an effort.

I know that in a way when I encountered Christ, I was magnificently changed.. My old friends started parting away… My lips spoke only about Jesus.. He replaced the failed love with Brilliance and Power… But stubbornly I held on to certain sins.. feeling that they were too small to inflict much damage, I would let them all away as I progressed in my faith. But they opened portals through which demonic powers forced themselves into, eating away at my new heart… Slaying away my noble efforts…, attempting to pull me back into my former world of outward glamor and pride. Somehow by the Lord’s infinite, profound mercy for my soul I survived time and time again.. But many battles were lost along the way…, but time and time again I found my knees on the floor.. asking for mercy, for Grace… for Power… For deliverance… Ultimate Deliverance… I found them often…, many of my evils have passed away… unable to find a breeding ground.. but some of the stay… subtle.. silent and predatory… Waiting for the kill… But God’s wondrous Grace and Love for me has kept me sane, sober and free for long periods of time…, but I have darknesses still but the light exposes them often.. I am not a finished product.., I have faith that Heaven is where I belong even though dark terrors and fears of Hell have kept me imprisoned for as long as I can remember. I have Faith that God will mightily deliver me from all my inward inabilities and sicknesses… I have Faith that God will accomplish what He started in my heart. I have Faith in God’s love for me which has never, ever changed and remains a rock solid supporting rope as I climp upward into the realms of the supernatural and the spiritual.

I wanted my faith to be Vibrant.., Poetic, Soulful… Spiritually rich, diverse and independent…I kept many notes about my travels which suddenly sprang up with life.. I had struggled before in capturing the intricacies of architecture.., texture, topography and the psyche and emotional vibe of the locale…but Christ’s presence and friendship transformed ordinary occurrences into gems of spiritual power and wealth. I felt my writing healed of its powerful demons, I felt my writing find a solid, stable anchor against the inner winds of a writer’s destructive darkness…, I felt my writing gain power, force and presence… as I inhabited my words, my world and my observations. God’s favor swamped my life.. I felt it deepen dry friendships, heal wounded scars inflicted by proud snobs, cure anxieties.. Deliver me from Demonic powers on a daily basis., and take me to artistic heights and realms that nourished and enriched my spirit. I felt like I was being offered a tiny glimpse of Heaven.

I often wonder if I am constructing a God whom I would love instead of merely accepting the fiercely righteous calls towards eliminating sinfulness and choosing actions that would bring Holiness into our lives. The Bible itself warns about choosing doctrines that appeal rather than living out doctrines that demand and plead for immediate action. But I can understand…, righteousness is a shield against the mighty, overpowering force of evil and wickedness… Holiness takes us away from mere worldliness…But like I said… I am just a learner…, a child attempting to wear armors that are too heavy and large for my liking…, but I am a warrior and a soldier… I have always fought for what is right… even at the cost of my own comforts.. and I will continue to persevere on, knowing that My Father is right alongside me no matter how feeble my tries.

God bless you all.
Good night.