First hit… Memories of shame

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I am always trying to ponder inner realities that exist within me. Coming to terms with what they are conveying.., I perhaps to write to understand what I feel so powerfully within me.., I write to share my side of the fence.., I write to live.., I write because I am in love with words, stories, prose, beauty, literature and secrets and feel compelled to treasure this gift of gab. I believe that a writer is someone whose soul can see past the nature of make believe outer reality, and into the real heart of things.

I can’t understand what is happening in my heart.., but I feel a tremendous heaviness on it right now. My Father and I had had our usual Saturday night conversation.., the topics varied from England dropping out of the EU to my sermon that I had just finished delivering in the church opposite to our house. He highlighted things in my sermon that were hard to take.., it was the usual criticism.., ‘repetitions, unwanted honesty, forgetfulness…’ etc.., I had to listen to my parents and their observations since they were just as sensitive as me when it comes to not realizing the brevity and reality of things. All my happiness and joy at battling intense inner fear, nervous anxiety, strain etc and then standing before young people who were so cynical, dismissive and attempted to mockingly laugh and smile at your face and delivering a message fizzled away as I listened to what he was saying.., He could be really persistent when he wished to convey truths about my sermon that I could never see…, Call me insane but.., I don’t understand criticism because I deal with my own inner insecurity.., and to heave a dose of observation right after a tremendous test was quite horrifying to me…I sometimes wish people listened with their heart and not with their mind.., but he is my dad and I love him in ways that I can’t even comprehend.., he has done so much for me.., and struggles with a burden so big.., for my sake…, I can’t help but listen to my hero…but I have to remind myself to sit alone with my Lord.., perhaps I can climb above the slab of the upper floor and be alone.., and pour my heart, my tears and my feelings to Him who truly cares…, maybe I can become sane again.

I’ve discovered that most of us are expert talkers.., but few can look beneath the layers and words and understand the heart.., and find the selflessness to love back courageously and look past our own scars, wounds and weaknesses…, True Love seems to be too easy to long for and so hard to find. I am no longer content with human love.., I demand, desire and hunger for a love that can conquer.., accept me at my absolute worst and encounter me at my most insane and still love me fiercely, ferociously and insanely.., So far I can only count Jesus in that list.., nobody else comes even close.., perhaps my parents, sis and doggy can be added after a billion kilometers.., but then again God gave them to me.., and they ask me to love God more than them.., maybe I could place them after a million kms since for the first 25 years or so they were the only reflection of God that I could see, feel and enjoy and they were incredible, amazing and otherworldly at it. I’m blessed and thankful always.

I remember not so long ago when I bumped into an old acquaintance of mine. He had been a mentor to me in my past.., but a hard, no compassion showing dictator who was relentless in his handling of me.., I was chastised often.., rebuked often.., told to study hard.., and it always felt like his methods were too extreme.., too hard and too painful for a hyper sensitive, dreamer in love with his imagination such as myself… and I could clearly see that I was nothing like him… He had built up his own empire from scratch.., he started one of the most powerful ministries during the 90’s and had been responsible for a wave of revival that had hit Vellore during that time.., all of a sudden there was a surge of meetings, revival meetings, youth meetings, Godly sightings.., Angelic Sightings.., curing of terminal illnesses such as Cancer, Aids, Tumors etc… God had touched the sun scorched soil of Vellore in centuries.., and my Ex Mentor had been in the thick of things.., He was a disciplinarian, who was a hardcore perfectionist… He had a soft side to him and I could see it work on certain people.., but he was above the pack and was always leading the charge and taking all hostages with him.

Growing up I had always struggled with feelings that I could never be good at anything. I saw people naturally blooming all around me.., and I was never good at anything…, I struggled with insecurity.., inferiority and shame.., I always dreamt of killing myself in my early years.

I was his polar opposite, ie of my Imperfect Mentor.., I was a free spirit, but I could feel too powerfully the pain of a hurting, broken world.., I was deeply hurt at the plight of the street dogs whose stomachs had shrunk and the bones of their rib cage showed real clearly.., I felt pained when I saw people throwing stones at their feet, I was hurt by the fact that dogs and human beings had to search in the trash for food…, I was hurt by how some people never had the freedoms and privileges that I enjoyed.., my heart was always reaching out to the lonely, the hurt and the broken… I disliked the life that everybody led, I wanted to live a life that I enjoyed.. the childhood version of it was to live on an island away from people and that island would have libraries, food for eternity and a world class view of the stars that I would see every single night.., I enjoyed freedom, I loved being free.., I did not like to be tied down, I always dreamt of freedom the more I found myself in systems.., I enjoyed sports.., and I had a hunger in my soul to reach for the stars.. I dreamt all day long of fame.., of fortune and of beautiful stories that I could imagine, and maybe create someday.

After the initial years of growing up next to him, my parents decided that I would do a year in my Dad’s Alma Mater – MCC.., up and until that moment I felt trapped in Vellore.., Vellore was too raw and primal.., there wasn’t class, refinement, integrity or friendliness here…, I felt nothing but inner torment, anguish and boredom in my early years.., School was a bore.., I struggled to cope up…, I was detained after classes all the time.., or I had to cross paths with stronger, more assertive seniors who used me to beef up their own credentials.., I was either a punching bag or a source of teasing and scorn.., My skin color was highlighted which made me feel ugly, unwanted and awkward.., I was never accepted by my peers for some strange reason.., most of them were the sons and daughters of either rich industrialists or doctors.., I guess I was not their type.., I felt unwanted by them .. My teachers did not exactly convey any feelings of me being embraced or celebrated either…, You remember what people don’t say to you and what people can’t see in you.., I still do to this day.., I remember feeling like I was of no use to this world and I dreamt often of death and suicide… I was an invisible person who had to live like I was different.., like I was not special and like I was of a lower species…, My language speaking skills would be highlighted often.., or my grades would be brought up.., Nobody worried for me.., they were just shoving my lack of interest in academia into my face and telling me that I was useless. The hardest part of it was to feel shame for the sake of my parents.., who I could see were such kind, gentle souls and here I was shoving a brutal reality pill into their faces because of my sensitive soul… They had worked hard to get to where they were.., my Dad had undergone tremendous trials.., losing both his parents.. moving here and there.., taking care of his sisters…, struggling to come up in his own life, and my mother came from a very poverty stricken family and had studied hard to reach the management ranks of the most prestigious hospitals in our town… I had let them down.., here they were working so hard under really hard circumstances to make something of me, and here I was just wasting it all away.., I was never considered for anything or thought to be anything.., I loved sports.., but nobody took a special interest in me.., or thought that I could amount to much.., Growing up I so badly wanted somebody to believe in me and push me in fields that I was interested in.., but sadly I had none.

Such experiences with the unkind, non grace offering parts of life made me really hunger and long for love, for empathy.., for being understood despite what was going on on the surface.., I wanted people to feel sorrow for me.., but I was confused since I saw people from even lower places than me survive, fight and live.., this further made me despise myself and made me close my mouth. I did not want to talk it out to somebody and listen to them talk about things on the surface.. Nobody had the power to perceive the depths of me.. No one.. Unless I talked about it.., and when I did.., it did not impact them in the level that it impacted me.., my inner struggles helped me listen deeply to other warriors dealing with a cruel cruel life.., late on in my life.., my wounds, scars and inner demons created an artist…, created a resource so deep for my craft.., but the same feelings that I heard in my earlier years would trickle into my heart after any accomplishment.., ‘This is not good enough..’, ‘ Is this the best that you can give..?’…, ‘ Look at him/her they seem to do it in a way that feels easier than you..’.., ‘ This felt easy.., you’ve not been really challenged yet..’.., ‘ You call this writing..? A 8 year old with no understanding can write better stuff than what you just did…’ …, and so on and so forth.

When we had moved into the colony that we are staying at right now, he was the only person who was caring enough to welcome us and to also help us ingratiate ourselves to the culture of the small island of Christian only homes that stretched down two parallel streets. He was so kind.., and took such genuine efforts to include us and make us feel welcome…, but I remember the initial awkwardness of it all.., I remember my neighbors treat my mother with disrespect as she attempted friendly conversations with them.. I could not see it in their faces but I got a hint of it in my heart.., I was offended that they could respond to my mother’s genuine smile with a calculated one, how inconsiderate were they that they offered hate for love..? And I was never wrong about them.., all those highly rude individuals always seemed to find newer ways to establish their supremacy in our lives, their facial coldness seldom seemed to still.., they were always wound up, always ready to attack and always eager to express their imaginary dominance… and I am a really objective guy.., but I have always abstained from those who don’t welcome… I believe that it all comes down to early experiences. I have always struggled with being rejected.., I still do.., now I am a tough nut to crack.., but my heart is too soft. I am like my mom.., dedicated, personal and intense.., I used to alienate myself and rebel to gain strength briefly but I comply, conform and humble myself for the sake of the gospel these days, and the friendship of my Lord has really helped me forget those initial difficulties.

Nothing special seemed to happen to me.., nobody wanted to talk to me.., nobody seemed excited to be my friend.., nobody could really see me.., I understand it all now.., but the heart of a guy who knows and desires love but finds emptiness.., egoism and hostility can be hurt eternally. I did not get any love letters.., I was not anybody’s best friend.., I was hurt by the lack of interest.. by the indifference.. by the unkindness and chiefly by the inability to perceive one as being important, necessary, needed etc hurt me. But I guess those initial years and the senses that I absorbed have made me the person that I am today.., have helped me take on the cross for Christ’s sake.., and have created in me a hunger to find people who suffer the same silence that I did.., and perhaps lead them with the help of the Holy Spirit to the Lord Himself.

I don’t know who ends up reading this.., but I will beckon you to attempt to make the world a better place than the way you found it. I implore you to know Jesus as your personal Savior since the world can overwhelm, destroy and kill your good intentions.., but Christ can help you with His strength and power and lead you to work for the Kingdom of God.., and believe me the benefits are out of this world.

Confessions: Lost chances( Short fiction)

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‘ Is it your fault.., or was it mine..? Whom do I blame for this sorrow..?’
– Translated from a tamil song

The basketball court grew translucently vacant after eleven in September… September made you feel different in the city.., as a watcher of people I pick up on a lot, all cities have the same traffic.., the same zone defense of public roads.., the same feisty cops pulling up bikers with helmets…, but God has different layers to each month.., the trees lose more leaves.., there are a lot more winds.., the waves of marina are are more lustful of the shore.., loneliness is much deeper in the underground caves.., and the antisocial appears every now and then when things grow still after the din grows low… A man who knew loneliness sat here often hoping to absorb the energy of sane souls, I knew him as well although he and I don’t really talk much.. I get the sense that the world that he occupies does not allow entry of people who talked.., he was a sad soul.., lost to a world that was indifferent to his plight.., unkind to his homelessness and harsh to his presence.., can’t really blame him.., but I wanted him to pour his soul into mine and feel my warming fire.., I was not exactly normal either.., I was a misfit myself.., a loner who preferred a ball and an empty court to people… Friends in my life were people whom I knew but who never knew me.., I was too deep to be understood, I was too distracted by the world to conform to their demands and expectations which seemed silly and childish in my eyes.., I was a man who knew things before they happened and who saw things before they were perceived.., I was whatever place I absorbed and I was whoever people wished me to be. The Park drew in folks.., the park did not catch your attention immediately, you would pass it by and it would not invoke any sensation.., it was bare, plain and possessed no juicy vibe.., like a plain woman you passed her by.., and then you encounter them and you begin to know them and you get the sense that you were guilty of perhaps discrimination but you’re safe since it happened in the secretive layers of your mind…. but this park was where I in all of Madras city found myself drawn to.. Perhaps this would be my own dream theater of performance.., where I can be the heroic motif that I pick in my day dreams.., where I create a legacy for my own knowledge but unseen and unrealized by those who frequent this same place as me.

There was always a buzz on the basketball court.., the eager to flaunt players held hostage by their domineering coach.., the visitors who sat on the stone galleries to ponder life’s mysteries.., the middle aged uncles who rested their vertebrae after a back breaking walk around the park to burn off calories.., shady cats whose eyes glinted with the spirit of marijuana and who scowled and mocked everybody that their eyes could see.., homeless drunks who argued loudly and later slept soundly in the top stair of the stone gallery.., local flower men who sold threaded jasmine buds to middle class city bred ‘Iyer’ ladies who slept on the hard stone floor.., Fatigued auto-rickshaw men resting after a tiring day…The court was my kingdom.., and I imagined myself to be the king of my court.., and it was my job to realize with the eyes of the heart the souls that walked through the court.. I would attempt stories from what I felt when my heart touched upon their souls.. I would also try to place each person with a song that I would spend hours searching for.., or perhaps crystallize them with a poem..By nature I am distant since I could care less about the formality of mere connectivity.. I could not understand why people had to spend so much time getting acquainted.., I know the bad ones.., they always try to make you love them and they always try to puff you up.., the rest are a mystery that requires patient chopping .., my mind is always afar since I alienate myself from the usual.., but there is a music to each soul that one can listen if one listens closely.., a hidden tale buried within each layer.., and I was determined to discern and navigate through the darkness of being.

He was one of those middle aged men who enjoyed mere banter. He had a charming and disarming way of engaging you.., He and I shared the same lonely space for quite a period of months, I wanted him to find it in himself to dare break the invisible walls that people erected around themselves.., He approached me with praise, a great conversation starter.., he wanted to understand why anybody would choose a public park to practice after 11.30.., a place well known for antisocial scum, insane marauding hooligans on bikes and bloodthirsty wanderers… I responded by saying that I could say the same about him to a certain extent.., A spark glowed in the darkness of that court which was a well-known magnet for unfinished tales.., broken hearts and restless souls… He would generally do his circular walks around the park with a distracted look, he found the practice difficult but he still kept at it.., he was from a small town deep in the south.., his language contained the soul of the town that he was from. The people there probably spoke from their heart.., lacked cunning and were delightful of people.., maybe they lacked the sophistication of deeper understanding.., for a brief while we clicked. Our souls are thirsty for as much of earth that we can find.., for in eternity our souls will suffer uncertain fates depending on our choices. I knew that a soul’s relation to the revelation of Jesus would decide one’s eternity.., but in the here and the now all souls starved and hungered for love and want.. They had a funny way of expressing it since immaterial realities kept pressing against their conscious shores…, but it was there and you had to learn to handle the bitter reality of people and their incapability of knowing their presence and their actions on another soul.

I am a chamber full of secrets.., many souls speak what besets their soul into my depths.., they share their hurts which are often painful realities that still torment their inmost minds..,I seem to inspire their openness.., and I seem to inspire them to enter into my inner stillness to phrase in fleeting lucidity their inmost torments which always found a way to confound their lingual capabilities.., for the moment they could find the perfect, most honest, most soulful and most heartfelt way of narrating their lives in his presence.., it would finally lift off and decrease in its intensity.

He remembered the first time he saw her.., he had known since he was 8…, it was not her eyes, her appearance or her behavior that he noticed…, he noticed instead how his heart fluttered when she walked past him oblivious to the nuclear damage that she was wreaking on his simple soul. Over a period of time the feelings became mutual…, he was 14 by then.., and she 13.., they held hands on the long mud paths surrounded by rice fields and sugar cane fields that led to their homes when nobody was watching.., he climbed trees to pluck mangoes for her and.., wrote her I love you hundred times… their love blossomed over the years.., he came from a conservative system.., multiple social walls stood in his way.., she was from another caste.., he belonged to another.., religion spoke about how he belonged higher.., but his heart could see no such reality.., his heart wanted her more intensely as the years progressed.., they promised each other multiple times that they would find each other no matter how far they got.., that the other would wait if something were to happen.., but as fate would have it education brought him to the chaotic city of Madras.., he would call her many times.., but there were no mobile phones back then.., the timing had to be perfect.., her Father owned a goods store and he would be out by 7 in the morning.., her mother was always at home.., but went at 2 pm to the temple for half an hour.., that would be their time.., even if her mother returned.., she would act as though the phone call was between her friends.., but one time her mother stayed back and long story short got wind of what was happening.., they beat her so bad that she swore to never contact him again.., but she was lying.., how can emotions such as love end in the face of adversity.., it is the very soil that it blooms and flourishes in.., he promised her that he would come back for her the moment he got a job.., but her parents got her married before he could make good on his promise.., marrying her off to some businessman…, heartbroken he wept, cried and wandered in sorrow and despair.., the years passed, he tried to forget her but to no avail.., how could someone forget someone who had inhabited his inmost being..? Who had loved him with a love all her own..? How could he overcome that which only made him linger.., stay and wander in a world of inner hurt..? He grieved like a man who knew not how to survive in a world devoid of his sweetheart.., he could not bear the thought of her in the arms of another man.., he could not bear another possessing her…, love was never meant to be shared by a third party.., Never.., His parents sensing his woe married him off to a proper Madras girl.., he hid his sorrow and began to live for his future.., family.., responsibility.., he had become so possessed by this intense hurt in his heart that he struggled to love his wife fully.., even though he had gotten over the deadly blow.., he could never forget his first love.., he shared this to me over a period of time and I listened as I always did like my life depended on it.., funny how strangers heal wounds that one’s own efforts seldom seem to. I know that the good Lord placed me on this planet to heal people, He did the healing.., I just had to reach out to the souls.., and I always could find them no matter how they hid their wounds.

I did my best to console him.., I spoke nothing .. there was nothing that I could say that would reach the inmost depths of him and pull him away from what he felt, I only listened and allowed my silence to do the healing.., I allowed my warmth to speak what I couldn’t.., what could I say..? I only felt myself grow sad.., there was a certain amount of sadness that this court seemed to attract…, I was a lost soul myself.., but I knew that Jesus healed.., you just had a sense for these things that was more than reason oriented.., I understood his moral reality.., He was married.., had kids in school and was a normal functioning member of society now.., but he would forever remember the lost chance.., and what could you do about it in this wild jungle..? Love more deeply..? Take more chances..? Marry for love..? I didn’t have a clue.., all I knew was that life moved on.., I had more souls to meet and more stories to glean. But what I encounter and see will always bleed within me.

How I want her to be Vs How She Really is..! – A poem and an imaginative survey of my former heartbreaks and rejections.

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How I want her to be:

Her: You know the reason why I have been giving you the cold shoulder is because I have actually been in love with you.
Me : Thank you so much, that makes all the sense in the world.
Her: I can’t wait to be your wife, your soul mate.., your everything.. I know that we have never met.., but I have always known that you were the love of my life. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.
Me: Wow.., I feel the same way, I have felt that way since the beginning.. and since the second I met you.

How she really is:

Reality and self hate:

She has been consumed in her world, she forgot you the moment you left.., You did not even make an impression.., she rarely ever though about you, never went through your Instagram, your Facebook accounts and most definitely did not give you missed calls.., and has not been dreaming or longing for you in the same way that you have been of her, and check this out.. Heartbreak Cliche’ – She has been very much in love with this guy that she met, oh.. did that hurt Romeo..? I’m sorry did that just burst your romantic bubble.. Didn’t I tell you to stay out..? Yeah..time you started listening to your brain a little bit more Einstein.

Doubts begin their beautiful wrecking process:

Wow.., if this is not what it appears to be..,what about all the events of my life that I feel have other explanations.. Spiritual wars being fought for my sake..? Divinely arranged events that lead to my redemption, my strength and to my happiness…!

Man screw the other explanations… they are the ones that really hurt and make it worse and harder than it has to be.., but I can’t accept the truth of what happened right now.., it makes me fumble and struggle in vain to put up a facade.., Now I have to act like everything is okay.. when I am crushed.. destroyed.., How can I even recover from all of this..? I can’t feign strength anymore, I am too weak, Lord Help me..Please… I can’t deal with these types of experiences again Father.., You were right.. I’m sorry I left Your safety to venture out into this unwanted dark nightmare.. For once I would like for things to go the way I want them to be. Lord, I can’t take this anymore.. I want out.. Like out of the whole spectrum of the human experience.. I can’t be such a sucka for this, I have the wisdom of a sage now, but the foolishness of a dog…

Hope and common sense have a conversation:

I mean she texted me that one time right..? There had to be something behind that.. I mean she forgets all about me for a year…, and then all of a sudden.. She messages me on my phone right.., that’s got to be a sign right..? Right..? Please let that be a sign.. I am tired of holding on to people who never held on to me in the first place.. I am a forgotten place.. A forsaken desert.. a place of abandonment.. Rejection Avenue.. Oh yeah, I take it really personally…, Real personal.. that’s who I am. I am looking for love in all the wrong places.. I got to be a little more realistic and connect with people that I Know in like real life.., and not people who live so far away. I hope you learn something important from all of this.

I speak to the Lord :

Lord..? Lord…? Please.. hear me…, my heart is broken.. by a fantasy that went too far..! I’m sure you were there throughout as I fancied and fantasized…I’m sure that you even warned me a couple of times.. Why didn’t I listen to You..? You obviously know a lot more about Her than me.., but as always I had to take charge, take a plunge into uncertain land and rely on my own instincts and feelings…, Will I ever be right Lord..? Why did I have to feel this way all of a sudden for no meaning..? I have been completely alright for over three years with no candidates in sight… I am afraid aren’t I..? Afraid that I won’t find this so called ‘One’…? Afraid that I won’t live the life that I always dreamed about..? All she offers me are empty blank spaces on social media, unanswered messages that pile up in the dozen…, long long periods before answering with a few words…, that just smells of a lack of interest, and a … I wish I wasn’t so interested, I was fine being alone Lord…Who am I kidding..? I want what I dream of too.. I deserve a good person right..? Everybody else is falling left and right in love.., I am like the only man who always gets left off..? Why does this keep happening to me Father..? Please help me.., I don’t want her anymore.., please help me forget all that happened.., and please get rid of this inner blade just stabbing me endlessly within.., I can’t deal with the shame and the embarrassment.., this pain is too intense and overpowering… Help me please.

Deliverance:

I was wrong Lord.., I should not have done this without consulting You. I am sorry.. But please.. listen to me as I am being hurt by my own heart’s inability to handle realistic situations…,
Nobody can ever take Your place.. I am sorry, in a way I was searching for somebody with whom I could be as close as I am always with You.. But I was fooled and duped again.., People seem to have their own feelings and eyes, You would know Lord.. For thousands of years.. People have done the same to You… In a way I have done it to You too…, forgive me and forgive them for all our stupidities.., Forgive me for putting someone else over You.., But Help me now.. For I need You to reach into my own heart’s darkness and help me still what has been let out…, Bring me into You.., I can’t deal with this stuff.. But I know that You will deliver and Free me ultimately.., I love You.. Godspeed

The Grand Weaver – A witness

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I often find myself wondering. How on earth did I reach the place that I am at right now..? Me with my filthy habits that have hampered my personal, spiritual, creative and professional growth, my miserable life choices that led to immense pain in other people and their lives, my fall into alcohol, drugs and a dark depression that never allowed me to live a peaceful day in my life…, I have struggled with suicidal thoughts for years…., I have battled feelings of fear, inferiority and self hatred for years… Explaining my life to people often leaves them shaking their heads in merriment, they think to themselves… “Look at the exaggeration.., the lies.. and the excellent over dramatic presentation that he uses in order to pad up his so called witness… We knew him all along, he was no such thing”.. they seem to say – Such foolish self absorbed hypocrites these fools often are who always want the spotlight on themselves..Lol.. I have never met people who have ever like really listened to me.. Like know who the real me is.. I can count an ex lover, a few select friends, my parents, my pesky sister( who has always had my back and seems to have an uncanny understanding of me along with my mother) and my beloved doggy in that list of people who seem to be interested in grasping the very personal part of me…, there are usually time periods of interest and then they resort to their former nature of being interested only in themselves..I am not exactly depressed that people have not understood me… I have always done my own thing and not pushed myself on others, I have learned to be bossy but I have no clue about how to be controlling or bossy by nature or instinct… I have tremendous weaknesses in my life but I lack a social sense.. All that I am, I have learned either through experience or through careful observation and self examination.. Within myself I am entirely comfortable and without any qualms.. I can spend years alone and not feel bad about a thing….In my life, I have met many Pharisees and Self centered individuals who have often times knowingly and unknowingly damaged my soft heart.. Being the fighter that I am, I struggled and battled the pain on my own, attempting to create something beautiful out of my pain…But the burden was too much… Since I was placed in toxic and difficult places constantly…, By God’s exceptional Grace… He graciously intervened and took me into His flock. Through long hours of encountering His Patience, His unconditional love, His gentleness, His Fantastic Friendship, His Pure love for me without any expectations… I have become confident that He does love me.. although I still doubt the whys and expect Him to give up on me soon.
I feel ashamed often to stand as if I actually belong in Christ’s Kingdom.. I have always felt that there are people with far better credentials than mine such as Obedience, Devotion, Holiness and Personal Growth in their life… They seem more disciplined in their walk, they seem more in control of their moral nature ( something that I have trouble turning off), They actually have the assurance that they will reach Heaven.. Not me though, I have terrific doubts about my entry …Ha ha ha. Each day is a battle with darkness and my own mortality… ..But I mean that in all seriousness, I often check my mom’s place in the bed at midnight to make sure that the Rapture has not happened yet… We will see how it goes.
But In my life, I have understood that I don’t need to compare myself with another person since life is drastically different in another heart, another soul and in another mind.. So many things push us into waters that we are not often choosing from… We all have different ambitions, drives and ways of approaching life.. I questioned things, I spent a lot of time in Day Dreams, Imagination, books, ideas and seeking Knowledge… I found everything interesting.., I kept diaries to pen down my growth, I wrote bad poems that lacked form, rhythm, rhyme.., I loved Life.., Nature.. Love.. Books.. Sports.. Passions have always ruled my life and will always do so.. Whereas they had the strength, the concentration and the will to power themselves to be acceptable in society’s eyes..and to achieve crucial steps that provided a comfortable, lucrative and a happening life. I have no desire to be like them and I find the same feeling reflected often, although I can sense a few of them respect me for being brave at taking major risks in my life. I love my friends, in my own way.. I have never been envious of their success, I have felt bad that I have not been a better son to my parents since they often desire the same things from me…But apart from that, I enjoy helping people.. Counselling them… Using opportunities to share Christ… Studying with feverish obsession the gospel, theology, culture, music, movies.. Anything to promote my Lord.. I am here to do.. Anything to help further His cause here on our tremendously, indifferent world I am here to do… Although such choices bring me tremendous pressures, anxieties, pain and suffering… I am humbled by the opportunity.. I count it an honor and a privilege…All of these would not have been possible if it were not for encountering Christ who helped me see that my life was important to Him… He spoke to me in His word that I was His…What a great incomprehensible joy..!! What royalty a lowly, stuttering, stage fright containing, shy, dreamy and awkward kid is offered..!! Whenever I see my wealthy, well settled Classmates from both schools.. I find it disheartening that I have abandoned my ambition of proving them wrong for every insult and rude attack on a shy kid once upon a time.. Every rejection and bad word.. I wanted to repay with power, material prosperity and achievements.. It fueled me for years… , I never forgot the way in which it made me feel… But , when I met Christ…. I saw that it was making me go to darker depths.. Rage.. Envy.. Greed…, It was eating away at the character that I have always prided myself on having.. Everything fell into place…, I was able to forgive them even though they might never know their part in my life’s story.. It’s okay .., they did not know any better.. They have troubles too.. Nobody in this life is exempt…Everything that I am.. I owe it all to Christ…, I don’t know if I will make it to Heaven, that is not my reason or my agenda in serving the King of Kings.. I am here as a loyal dog with flaws and weaknesses to partake in His work.. but it is a true honor to serve Him and to know Him in this lifetime.., He has enriched my existence in ways and dimensions that I am yet to perceive.., He drives me, fuels me and makes me want to be better than what I used to be.. I am not there yet, but I am slowly reaching there…, I hope Ill be there.. I have my friend always cheering me on…, believing in me… I hope that He does not run out of patience.. Since I can be a terrible learner.
I am telling you this with joy dear friends… Every bad choice, every mistake and every debacle.. The Long long years of unfruitful living.. Of being repressed, not having people to listen to my pain.. Not willing to share myself with everyone… God has used them to anoint me, to fill me and use to reach people who have never known the depths of His love… I viewed myself as a complete failure, and I wanted to kill myself.. I was tormented by the thought that I could not repay people for the evil that they did to me… Writing me off like I can’t fight back.. For a major part of my life I have always believed that others were far better than me… It was very late in my life that I decided to battle such a lie…, I still have the humility to acknowledge the uniqueness of others and their gifts.. but I know who I am right now…. In Christ I am infinite, otherworldly wise, cared for and deeply nourished and love… so my strength comes from being at peace with who I am… My current life has its everyday wars, battles, struggles, temptations, pressures… I mess up often… I struggle to be who He wants me to be.. But I enjoy being Like Him… It seems to offer hope in dark places.. It makes the world a magical, lovely and beautiful place.

I gain victory in Christ.. He uses every damage and darkness to change me, His methods are unorthodox, unconventional, strange at times, severe at times and fearsome at times.. But He is always battling with me, testing me, refining me.. Never giving up on me.. A worthless loser.. A somebody that nobody ever took the time to know and befriend… Taking wondrous care in creating a product that is every bit as selfless, genuine, deep, compassionate and sacrificing as He is.He can do the same to you.. He can change your life.. He can lift you up from Hell’s dark depths.. He will heal you of every lie that Satan has been feeding you with over the years.. “Poor family, Bad looks, No confidence, Finish off your family loans by yourself.. nobody will ever help you.. You can’t make a difference… You are going to Hell…” … He can be your everything as He is to me… In all honesty, I am not worried that I don’t have a Facebook dp that has a European continent in the background, I am not sad that I won’t marry the girl of my dreams that I fantasized about for years on end and missed out on in college.., I am not sad that everybody that I have ever known rarely understands the real me.., I am not sad that I don’t have albums of photos at world famous places… I am not sad that I have given up on my ambitions.. I got everything that I will ever need in Christ..Nothing compares to Knowing Him… Absolutely Nothing… He alone is enough for me.