Accepting God’s authority – Confessions

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I have realized that recently I have had some trouble accepting the authority and the finality of scripture. I would like for some flexibility and a little less responsibility at times, and not feel threatened by Eternal Hell-fire and the passage of time.. There are so many consequences and dangers if one disobeys scripture, that the jolly, care for nothing life of old doesn’t have the power to exist anymore in our current lives and feels more like a terrible atrocity when chosen.

As faith begins in one’s life, He finds Himself touched, changed and led on a journey of choices…, but then the doubts begin… they might be something as small as why is this sin wrong in God’s eyes..? Or something as big as why does the Lord allow natural disasters..? Famines..? Earthquakes..? Poverty..? And the answers are not exactly useful and faith building…, the knee jerk answers seem to only lead to more bigger and more complex questions.., Fears enter in, disbelief settles in, faith loses it’s child like willingness…, It becomes intellectual, searching, doubting…, God appears, powerless, uninterested and unsettling.., He appears too perfect, fearsome, demanding, scary and frightening.., We are all doomed we think.. Hell seems like a much easier choice…, atleast the demands, the standards and the criteria are not so high…, We fall into imprisoning disbeliefs, former habits, lethargic irritations, hopeless and joyless religiosities.

Like I said, the consequences and the effects of even a tiny moment of rest and relaxation brings way too many painful obstacles, It is only some time before I can completely give up in disillusion and panic in a passive manner…, thinking that everything is lost.., I place too much Authority on myself.., I believe that all my hunches, instincts, reasonings and intuitions are correct…I find the demands of righteousness too exacting, and I find constant disillusion when things don’t go my way…. and when it does I find myself helplessly being sucked into the depths of disbelief and atheistic hopelessness…, Faith seems too weak when it encounters the sheer viciousness of my inner world and her mangled, powerfully and associatively created contents…, Faith seems too weak to break away addictions that have lived on for years in my heart and in my soul even after I have encountered the gracious freedom in Christ… and Faith seems impossible when we stare at the faithless, godless elemental nature of reality…, existing without meaning or purpose and is one big void and emptiness despite appearances to the contrary… We all would love to give up.., and most of us do.., I hear about so many of my former friends, seniors, colleagues, classmates and role models losing their faith and falling down… I don’t blame them…, Faith is a Cross…, an act of complete spiritual immersion.., a balancing.., a lifestyle… where reality is accepted and changed through Faith’s presence…, Faith means that we will be attacked by the World’s thoughts, by our own and by people of all kinds.. we will be attacked by evil spiritual energies that can creep insidiously into our thoughts, who have studied our weaknesses from birth and whose only joy is in damaging, destroying and wrecking our lives.

We are fighting off many enemies dear friends in Christ.., Friend.., your life is under constant scrutiny and attack which you will never realize if you are being led by worldly thinking which only makes sense of the world. I have learned that I have to learn to turn to God no matter how the situation appears like.. I don’t do a great job at it myself.. but I have learned that that is the only way…I try to battle my pride and my discouragement and reach out for Him whose touch can save me, I have learned that even if I am consumed by the ugliness of the shame that comes when I have broken and abused the Lord’s grace a million times and one.., God still not only wants and loves me.. He has been waiting for me…, He has been fighting for me… He will help me out of my addictions.., He will cure me of my desire to crave a substance that is often seen as a door to immediate pleasure, happiness and feeling alive…, Yes all addiction creating substances provide immediate thrills and kicks, but they can also damage and corrupt our character and bring immense trouble into our lives. We just need to lean, trust and learn to admit our weaknesses when it comes to following Christ… We are provided with mighty weapons to tear down the strongholds of the enemy who was defeated at the Cross.. Friend, if you are in a corner and being hounded and tormented by the enemy… Let me introduce you to my Savior..Jesus.. , He can save you from whatever hopeless situation that you are stuck up in, He is mighty to save, lift and restore what has been lost, misused, misunderstood and broken.We are living amidst an incredibly dull, selfish and fearful world.. we are a minority gloriously redeemed by God’s incredible love … and now we are here to express that same warmth to the world. Glow on Mighty Warrior of God.
God bless

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Letters and Poems to God – Lamentations

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I get hints every now and then in my heart,
Painful reactions to something written, said or given.
I wonder why I feel that way,
is there truth to what I feel…?
How can I know I’m ever right,
I am led by the Bible and not by my feelings,
I refuse to allow intuitions, instincts and reactions to
guide me without subjecting them to tests,
I try to be decisive, firm and sound,
But I still find myself flexible, open and willing.
My well of empathy runs deep despite my
own harsh judgments,
I do find myself getting angry with individuals,
I see myself judging them by their actions,
I find myself avoiding people because of their
inner contents, I know it intuitively often..,
but I can’t stand the fact that an absolute will has
to shape and sharpen all of our actions…
Why can’t I just be free without the consequences..?
Why should I be constantly aware, awakened and cautious
about what I speak, think, do and engage in..?
I understand that evil in this time is hidden, one can completely be
caught up in sin and not know much truth to help him flee it.
I sometimes wish that there wasn’t a heaven or a hell,
I hate to know that billions of souls are going to Hell’s eternal torments,
I myself think that I am going to land up there,
Faith and religion seems to demand perfection,
I am not sure if I want such a life…,
It feels tremendously challenging and hard…,
I can’t be caught up in all of this..,
My spirit is fettered and my heart is pained by
all this insidious madness.

I guess it’s not how I would deal with things,
I can’t understand the harsh nature of people,
I understand their intentions, but I still wish things weren’t so black and white.
I guess I am soft, I don’t need toughening up..,
I’ve already by passed all of that to reach where I am
at right now..,
I am willing to accept that I need guidance, compassion
and often times correction.
I hate feeling like I am always in need of correction and change,
I despise the terrible inward pain, I wish I could stop my lustful sinning,
But I can’t seem to stop.., Help me.. , I need a miracle to make me stop.

But I can’t seem to take it in stride,
I bristle, react, defend or counter testify.
It seems very evil to constantly be checked and condemned of
inward attitudes that are against Godly standards,
I can’t start a revolution or rebel against the system..,
this is all there is.. There are no other options,
I hate Christians who warn, condemn me with slogans and judge me with Bible verses… I understand their intentions, but I still wish that things weren’t so hard..,
I am very weak when it comes to being confronted with sinfulness,
I hurt in ways that one can’t ever imagine,
I do my best to stay away, to kill those urges,
but I realize that sin is very much a part of who I am.
I am not just a sinner, in this world, I am the sin
that is causing all the disorders.
I guess that I am more interested in being a human than in
wanting to think of eternal choices,
I need God despite all of this madness,
I hate sin, but still I love it,
I hate myself, but I still enjoy the life that I am given,
I can’t do all of this alone, I will accept the fact that maybe,
I don’t know all that there is to life,
I just need some help with this sin,
please stop telling me about my act and my failure,
Lift me up and heal me of my own inner burning fire,
Please Lord, I need You even though i’m pretty sure
I am against everything that you ever ask of me…,
I’m sorry I feel this way.. I guess I just need you to help
me understand things from your eyes and ways,
I feel more for my humans despite the fact that they
ignore me everyday, hate me, kill me, murder me and
reject me…, I don’t presume that I feel more than You Father.. ,
I am just telling you that I feel protective of everyone down here,
Are we just burning materials or sons and daughters with Freewills and Independence…?

I can’t stand this infuriating mess Lord,
I am a wreck when you leave,
I don’t run to You because satan crushes, oppresses and defeats me with ease,
I don’t know why I love You, I am confused,
I am scared too, of You especially,
and of Hell too.., I couldn’t stand a burn in my finger,
I can only look forward to my eternal torture.
The more I want things to be done in my way,
the more I feel tired, dejected and pained,
it’s like choosing me is not choosing You..,
It’s like there is no inbetween,
and You stand by me without telling me anything,
I’d like a word from You every now and then,
like how about every single day..? Every single minute..?
I’d like your thoughts when I am indecisive, anguished and lurking around sin,
I’d like your thoughts when I am confused, hurt and broken,
I’d at the very least like you to reach me when I find it hard, impossible and difficult to reach out to You…,
I don’t need much Lord, I just need a light touch,
I can carry my burdens, I can face a million rejections from girls that I’ve spent years day dreaming about, I know that I will be destroyed and humiliated,
Ill probably ponder my death,
but all of that is irrelevant, I just need a little loving from You in the ways that I want to every now and then… I mean, I know You send millions of blessings everyday…, I am grateful for them, even though I feel that I am just another ungrateful wretch who takes advantage of your Grace.
Just yesterday, You saved me from being run over by a speeding car, Again.
You helped me love some unlovable, unlovely and ordinary friends,
You fed me, nourished me, gave a roof over my head,
I don’t know Lord… I just need more of You.. A lot more,
I can’t just enjoy all of this rebuking, confronting and reacting.
I want to be connected to You..,
To your depths, to your infinite glory,
I don’t know why I need you so intensely Lord.. I just do..,
I promise You that I don’t have any agendas, You’ll know it within an instant,
I don’t want to constantly be judging people for their sexual preferences,
Like most of your other servants, I know their intentions are honorable,
I just feel more hate than love in their sentiments, doctrines and messages.
Can I see the evil and dubious deception in such a world influenced stance, Yes.. But am I evil..? My Yes is far more dangerous than theirs will ever be,
I am on the road to Hell too aren’t I..?
Why on earth am I even worried about them..?
When I am trembling and having nightmares every other day about my own eternal destiny..?
I don’t know what to do Lord… I really really don’t.
I hate my job, the attitudes of people around me,
I hate it that the sad street dogs don’t have homes,
I hate it that people are so rude, self consumed and proud,
I hate it that this world is a mess,
I hate it that children are raped, that women don’t get equal rights,
that gays are not loved..,
I hate the fact that I am such a self destructive time bomb,
I hate the fact that I can never seem to satisfy You,
I hate the fact that I can’t do what I WANT..,
I hate the fact that I can’t play basketball all day long,
that I can’t write for hours on end, that I can’t read books
all day.., I hate it all…, I feel trapped, doomed and deeply insecure,
I am not obsessed with blessings, anointings or platforms either,
I just don’t know what I want sometimes,
even though my words reveal more clarity than what I feel.
Help me….!

Casual demolition

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Feelings deceive,
It would be better if a man could never feel,
Of what use are our feelings? 
Those who feel intensely are seldom seen..!
Life has a different plan altogether,
I wish my heart could stop and focus on more important things such as my Salvation, My life and what I plan to do about staying away from Hell.
But oh no,  I have to fall into what’s of no use for me, I have to fall for people who feel not a thing for me, I have to bear this pain, this breaking sensitive possession of my heart, brain and soul that invades the essence of moi’ , and begins controlling me by subjecting me to what can never be.
I hate feeling this way,
I hate being here again,
I hate being this way…  I am so sick of ending back in this place time and time again,
I’ve had enough, I’ve been through enough,
I know when I’m not needed, my mind is easy to convince,  it’s my heart that refuses to comply and stop feeling.
In some people’s life you are a speck, in some a short affair and in others a mistake, and in the majority of the cases….  a mere stranger intruding into what has already been constructed and is alive,
I hate this lack of control, I can’t stand this demolition of my heart’s repressed wishes,
Pain creates more poets than love ever did,
Suffering far greater writers than happiness ever did.
Please stop killing me with your irresistibleness, Please cut your ties with me it’s better that way.
I can’t feel differently about you… Believe me I’ve tried, and I don’t want to be some creep that was too desperate and too enthusiastic, yeah I know how that feels like.
This is not me… I’m a silent warrior, I’m at war within…  I don’t have time for this… I got dreams to fulfill, greatness to live upto, struggles to overcome.
As much as I would love for you to feel the same way about me… I hate to beg and I hate to ask when you’re madly in love with somebody else. That’s just plain wrong. I’ve been in this situation too many times before.
So thank you for the casual demolition, I much enjoyed it… My heart’s broken and my life’s at a standstill.
I am sorry I cared, forget it…  it’s much better for me to deal with my terrific wounds and bruises.
Thank you and please don’t visit again.

Beats, Rhymes and Life – A poem

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Beats, Rhymes and Life,

My life set against the beat of an old Hip Hop Rhyme.

I am an universe of hidden secrets,

My life is a sermon on the Moon’s pulpit,

I survived death and demonic voices,

I would like to be left alone,

I am a wolf inhabiting the dark blackness,

A dog left all alone in a room without voices,

Tears in forgotten jars locked up in heaven,

Mad souls withering away in padded cells in lunatic asylums,

Struggle is my heart’s witness,

Truth the glimpse of hope as I am lost in my Heart’s madness,

Too many lost chances, too many heart wrenching one sided infatuations,

I wonder if I can ever make it to Heaven…,

I wonder if I can live the words that I preach to others,

When will I ever overcome my soul’s bloody madness…?