Unfulfilled Longings – Fictional Short Story

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I’ve been trying to forget her for a long long time and failing really badly at it. It felt like I enjoyed how I felt about her to such an intensity that I struggled to let it go.., but I knew that I had to. God had strictly asked me to let her go.., but I am not a powerful Creator who is mature and absolutely perfect, and who has never made mistakes for billions upon billions of years.., I struggle with my humanity, I struggle with my version of love which involves me falling for people that I like but to whom I can never become loved in their own version of reality. I know that life is unfair this way.. but I get it.., I really do.., It’s not exactly a delightful truth.., but you gradually begin to take it impersonally and learn to accept people for their mistakes and maybe forgive them someday, and accept the fact that their rejection of you is no fault of their own.. It’s just that they can’t see deep inside of your soul, your inner person and your hidden character. People are blind to what is unseen, and the unseen is the very birthplace of romantic love.

It was a dream that helped me remember her again. I would be lying if I were to tell you that she was never in my thoughts. Her name was ingrained into my brain, a mere uttering of her name brought delights into me that prompted much fancy and imagination. She had blocked me on instagram, and on facebook she avoided my messages. She had even friendzoned me in the past, did the universal women’s code for disinterest by not replying to any of my messages for a year, and the last time that she had breezed in acting like there was nothing wrong between us.., she acted like she and I talked daily for hours upon hours.., she played with my feelings before leaving as quickly as she came. Nothing new here. Just a universal female act and drama, since I am highly sensitive.., I felt the familiar meltdown and inner accusation begin. I wrestled with thoughts that insulted my lack of self restraint, I heard voices of painful condemnation that let me know that I should’ve known better with all my years of experiencing rejection. Rejection did not sit well with me.., it would be a thorn in my flesh and sting deep and hurt deep whenever my mind wished to torment me. Perhaps i’m in a war with finding love.

I should describe to you the dream. I remember it vaguely. But the message and the moral of it was clear, it was defeat. I was suffering defeat and rejection from her. If you know me, you should know well that I don’t take defeat well. I remember those who have defeated me, it’s like a curse.., even though Christ has helped me forgive them.., I can’t easily forget those in whose presence I suffered embarrassment, shame and disgrace. As a man, I would avenge my losses.., I had to struggle with such feelings in my faith and force myself to let it go. What I loved about Christ was that, He helped me see that my inner problems were far more greater than the problems of the world and far more dangerous and deadly than all the celebrities, famed ones and writers.

I have no clue as to what triggered me to dream about her. I remember that week well, my faith had just overcome a deadly fear of facing murderous henchmen as I preached the gospel. All day long I would be bombarded by these images, it felt like I was drowning in them and the voices would condemn me about my fears, and about my lack of courage.., and they would whisper that they knew that I was afraid to die for Christ. No matter how strong I attempted to make myself courageous, I lost heart.., because all my life I’ve been afraid of pain, of suffering, of falling victim to poverty, of losing my parents to an accident.., and to many horrors that were all too common in my world. But I remember the LORD just transferring a strange sense of inner burning within me. I was burning and burning within myself, in my heart and just on fire for Christ. I witnessed people drawn to the Gospel and it felt surreal.. how was it possible in this town brimming with strong inner tensions and spiritual evils..? It felt like the fire was living within me made the gospel become more truer than human understanding and affirmations could confirm. I started to receive incredible dreams, many of them were prophetic..,revealing things about my life and calling that I did not wish to be true.

The Lord was again asking me stop longing after her. Believe me when I say to you that I tried to forget her.., I really really did.. but not really. No disrespect to the Lord.., but I couldn’t understand what that even meant. For three years I had stayed pure, moral and single. Despite a bit of fame, I was a saint in my public life, I resisted temptation and ran away from fair maidens in an attempt to please God and to reveal to Him that I was serious about Him this time. I still struggled with lusts in my personal life, but I never gave up in my vision to become more and more Godly. She seemed to initiate in me a delight and joy that I didn’t have a reference to compare it to. I fell for her three years before in a way that I had not done in my entire life, and believe me I’ve fallen many times into empty one sided infatuations. I knew that the Lord’s sharpness of language was done more out of a protective instinct.., i’ve been around Him enough to sense that the deeper and the more deadlier the danger, the sharper His language becomes. I’ve picked up on nuances when i’m around Him.., He speaks a lot when He is still, silent and non-responsive. The Lord is my best friend, I’ve learned to trust Him and even love Him when He is angry and upset with me.., I love how passionate, zealous and possessive He is of me.. even though I pathetically suck at things like immediate obedience. I fail to satisfy Him, but He satisfies me more than words can ever comprehend.

The dream started with me in a place filled with busy people. The people around me felt like they were worldly, a theme that my spirit feels a deep seated unrest with. Since I could always sense that there was something wrong with the picture that I was forced to live in, and I grew always in a state of rattled nerves and disturbed confusion of the world around me. She was there.., I refuse to say her name since it triggers intense longings,wishes and dreams. But she was there.. Perhaps the whole dream was indicative of why she said no to me. I have mistakenly and accidentally tied the knot to somebody for whom I feel nothing, and I am overcome with sorrow at my choice. She meanwhile is stronger than my emotional dilemma, she is stronger to push herself to reach professional success.., I feel like the visual scene despite being hazy was a mixture of college energy and professional glory.., and I could sense another character as well.., a character who possessed her, it was not love.., but it was more of a symbol of belonging. She belonged to him.., he had her wrapped in his fingers despite her fiery, independent nature. And as the reality sinks into me, I break down in shame and defeat. I shudder with my hands above my head in tears, and nobody pays me any notice in this scene. As a fan of Jung, I can read much into the yearnings,the themes and the way that they play out. But I’m convinced that this means that she is trouble. Trouble for my spirit, trouble for my heart and trouble for my mind. I had to abort all of my longings for her that were spawning endless stories, poems and dialogues that I wrote like scripts.. memorizing their ability to transport me to an imaginary confrontation with her.

I woke up feeling melancholic, irate and fully clear about what that dream conveyed, even though I hadn’t discovered the words to explain it yet. I initially struggled to hastily speak this dream to a Gifted Dream interpreter, since the Lord has not enabled that gift within me much to my hurt and pain. I get dreams though, every now and then, it feels like the Lord does not me to become a vision interpreter, or a seer.., and I struggle to deal with that. But I guess it’s okay, even though it’s not. If only I could do something about it, if only I could.

I still remember running into her for the first time. I was just recovering from alcoholic addiction and desperately wanted to stay away from temptation. It was on one of those short story sites, I wrote haunting, melancholic and incomplete stories brimming with passion, love and sadness. I wrote what I struggled to let go. I wrote what saddened me about people that I knew who lived with broken spirits, and I wrote to console other lost souls struggling with similar themes. Believe it or not, my writing was far better then. No, seriously it was.. I had had a dramatic encounter with Jesus Christ, and that had flipped me over upside down, all the fears that had bound me and destroyed me inwardly were asked to leave. I knew that they were fallen spirits, evil to their core.. Who belonged to a realm that the non spiritual eye and mind could not see. The Bible was the only way through which people understood the reality of these dark, hideous beings who worked for lucifer, they enjoyed destroying a man through his mind. I have literally been near the shore of madness, I have stared at myself through the eyes of madness, I know well that only Christ rescued me from such a dangerous and dark evil. My Savior did incredible wonders for me, chiefly to my creative tools, He reminded me time and time again that my imagination, my love for words, stories and my love to understand people as stories came from Him. He even reminded me of His own style of speaking to people through parables the truths of Heaven.

Writing became easier for me because God’s presence in my heart, mind and soul was doing wonders for my creativity. His gift of a new spirit added newer dimensions to my thoughts, to my fertile imagination and to my human longings. My stories were vivid, deep, clear and less tormented.., but yet they were haunting since they spoke truthfully of the sadness of unfulfilled love. How ironic that one such story prompted her friendship..? I still can’t understand why she talked to me.., her friends..i.e her profile friends were well established artists, connoisseurs and craftsmen.. I was an unseen artist who lived for creative glory and art. I’ve often wondered if it was a deception sparked by the fallen ones done in order to remind me of my past blunders and romantic suffering or if it was an incident where I assumed that she was my God ordained muse, lover and wife. I tend to forget often that I am not attractive in some people’s eyes.., especially over an electronic space.., where millions of people portray parts and bits of them in order to draw, lure and attract souls in a revolting worship. It’s not easy for someone to really discover you in the way and intensity that you wish to be found.

I had written a tremendously upbeat tragedy of a love affair. I had utilized the settings to create emotional .. Much like Scorsese’s love for neighborhoods.., I painted a vivid picture of Madras.., and poured into it the longings of human beings beguiled and desperate for love, but often wounding seekers by rapidly retreating. The hero was a struggling writer, the heroine was an Anglo-Indian.., The writer’s friend has a thing for him, and it is her friend who is the heroine.., they are drawn to each other.., but being the rationalist that the heroine is she reasons everything.., and plays a dangerous game of engaging and disengaging the hapless hero, who struggles to find a muse, and a proper intuitive settings for his love. Much of it was from my own life obviously, the heroine character was someone that I had wrongly fallen for at a friend’s wedding. I never saw her again.. Ever. I wished to memorize and commemorate her intrusion into my life with a story that I had written over many many sad songs.

She waltzed in with her usual, girly feminism and joy. Sparkling a conversation that was overwhelming, unexpected and deeply useful for a recovering alcoholic, she revealed everything about herself on that first day. I am still surprised by how in control I was on that particular day, midway through our many hour long conversation…her joy at meeting a genuine artist had faded, my charm had faded and she slwoly began to realize that she was out of control. Reason entered, warnings entered, multiple news stories of creeps online entered her mind.., she freaked and got distant. I could swear to you that on that first day – she fell for me, that she fell in love with me. I might sound desperate, unreasonable and clingy but believe me it’s true. But after that something changed. She never opened up, I wondered rationally if she felt that she didn’t wish to lead me on, I wondered if it was something about how I looked in my online profile, or was it some feminine danger radar that had alerted her.. I didn’t know. By then I had flung my well reasoned control out, and started to become more honest with her.. I would have to wait for hours to get her online, and when she was there she was distant.., aloof, detached.. She didn’t open up.., she spoke briefly and left. There would be occasional signs of life.., a post of mine would get liked.., or she would send some song suggestion on Facebook directly to my messenger.., but after that again the deafening silence would continue… how we had vibed together as people the first time never happened another time.. I could sense her longings, her desires.., but yet again the block was there….I would send non creepy messages well stretched over a space of time, well stretched over months.., and again her defense was impregnable. Something was up. I started to divert my mind, I had been down this road one too many times before, I was on the brink of eternity.. I didn’t wish to fall back into the pit from which the Lord had saved me from. Because I knew with spiritual discernment that it always ended up in the same romantic hell – unfulfilled agony and endless inner hurt. I wanted to protect myself and take myself out of the situation. Because I knew so many souls who were still chasing something they believed was true a million years ago. This was the real ugly nature of female interaction, they start more doubts than calm one’s fears.

After many months and months of shame, defeat and hurt. I walked down to the Lord and asked Him to help me. Can you believe that..? I had forgotten all about my best friend the whole time on this one issue alone and run down yet another fruitless rabbit hole..? How absurd and idiotic. From His comforting side, I stared down into my choice and realized how blind I had been to all the danger signs. I finally allowed myself to be still and comforted myself with my Lord, I was not wrong for believing in something true, noble and beautiful between two human souls.. People are more calculated when it came to matters of the human heart, let’s just say that I believed in it with more innocence, truth and effort.

So that’s the whole deal.. but hey this could’ve happened to anyone right..?

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Enormity – Short Story

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He was a man haunted by the enormity of what was seen, felt, heard, thought and touched. He saw too deeply, searched too deeply, and craved too deeply.., but what was there to see in the cruel, turbulent and vanishing world..? What was seen disappeared, people disappeared, love disappeared, emotions climactic and cathartic disappeared.., what remained were our souls, and how we can claim we existed. Madness often sought his sensitive soul, it wished to take his soul and fill it with thoughts, moods and emotions that were sick and lost in their
meaninglessness… His soul blurred the lines between the world of stone and the world that was soft and absorbent… A world where life felt and moved like death and pain, any man who can discern the deep pain of death does not belong to this world.., He is closer to heaven than he realizes, and much closer to God and closer still to true vision.

The world’s cruelty, evil and pain remains clear but unseen..but oh when they entered into his intense mind of beauty, harmony and peace, they brought their curse and mind numbing spells along… Peace as still as the resounding still after the breaking waves cast their deep, eternal longings on to the souls of mankind, sitting in blindness on it’s shores … they entered him and they possessed him, and he thrashed like agitated waves unable to recover it’s sanity, like a caged parrot longing for her freedom as she squawked and cried as humans listened to noise, like a tiger experiencing deep sorrow as the cold steel bars hit his face as he attempted to use his strength to bull doze his way past it and run away into the jungle, where his rightful home was.., like a lion captured by men.., his pride stolen, and sold for sheets of money. How cruel were these everyday sights..? How cruel still the hearts of men walking past such cries to free, help and save.

He could not remember outer details, his sensitivity, his gift of being able to feel deeply was given to penetrate deeply into the surface of human life, to feel the intensity of life, to absorb the essence of humanity and it’s anguish and then reason his way out of it’s terrifying unconscious maze, to experience the Universe of the hidden soul and see in it’s splendor the mighty reality of a Divine Creator and to feel specifically what was unseen, unrealized, unheard, sidestepped, thrown aside, hurt, broken and forgotten.

What lay within a man…? Apart from his bones, his blood and his soul..? What murky inner highways, towns and cities exist formed from memories ..?What did experiences and the brutal mirror of reality turn into, did they become swords that stabbed in moments of fear..? The real things did not obey our concepts of them, they were blunt, trauma inducing and indifferent to the suffering, the pain and to the cries of men…, How foolish were men ..? To think that the stone could
feel, to assume that the dead would live.. but he could feel things that he could never seem to possess the vocabulary necessary to explain, or put a finger on and never ever be sure of. They were there, these silent beings..hateful, bitter, murderous deceivers.. searching only to kill, blind and fool him into thinking that they were there to redeem humanity… He felt them every now and then…, sometimes they stared at him through his own eyes as he searched his eyes for something beyond the dull, everyday image of how he aged in the world.. they stared at him through the darkness of this world that he had to cope with a great deal of pain,through the unbearable suffering of humanity’s clear deficiencies, they stared off the tops of temples.., clear in their disguise, yet seductively pleasing to the eye and terrifying in their postures. How long would mankind be deceived by these beings from the world beyond ours..?

But this man tired of experiencing the distress, the pain and the hurt of other men decided to kill himself.., since everything was being murdered, or run over or being hurt knowingly by men enslaved to their own evil. He too wished to extinguish himself up in a great sacrifice, all his life he felt things too deeply, but he knew not that his emotional hurt were the result of his profound inner innocence that remained despite the outer loss to social pressure.

He decided to jump off a bridge, strangely the eerie violence of his own imagination provided for him a great relief for his soul was slowly dying away. He replayed back his life, his great failures, his great inabilities and his great disappointments.., how people never truly seemed to care.., how people walked over him as though he were not there.. how people lived through and around him like he was not alive. As he was about to jump, his soul seemed to wish to perhaps kneel down and perhaps rant a final time to the unseen, invisible decider of all human fate. Like Job, he wished to let Him who is above all know his great inner turmoil, blame Him, hurt Him and then jump to his death.

He knelt down, embarrassed by his neediness despite the inner death of his soul as it prepared itself into the descent of Hell itself. He no longer cared, he was tired of caring and not being appreciated.., yes.., appreciated.., for nobody seemed to care about his presence in this stark world.., Yet he, he felt the great hurt of men forced to beg and roam, he felt the pain of a man exposed to the wiles of the city for the first time., he felt the deep sorrow of a broken heart as a lover rejected her love.., he felt the hurt of entire neighborhoods crying out for peace.., he felt the great sorrow of middle class families torn apart between loans, debts and living in fear of poverty and shame. He felt the pain of slums, huts, of souls trapped inside in mediocrity, trapped in social shame, treated like outcasts, treated like objects meant to be treated badly.., and not like human beings, with souls and hearts.., how cruel have we become..?

Was it that wrong to ask for a shoulder to cry upon..? Was it wrong to want a friend to listen..? Hadn’t he listened countless times..? Loved even as hurt, pain and evil was thrown upon him countless times.? Perhaps the deepest reason for his decision was that he could do no better, he had tried.., he had messed up, fallen down, perhaps he was not good at this human life.., perhaps it was the others who were spoken of as better all his life who deserved a better chance at this thing called life.

It didn’t feel like this divine being called God cared too much for him, he had called Him countless times.. but he was only left with the rejected sound of emptiness.., he felt hurt more by God’s silence than by the weight of all the rejections, pains and discouragements of this sad sad life. Why didn’t God care..?

Didn’t people tell him that only God would care..? That this person called Jesus would be there for him..? He knew that the supernatural in this world was largely hidden underneath men’s minds. He could also sense intuitively the reasons for God’s hiddenness.., but here he was ready to throw himself into eternal torment and hellfire, and he got no reaction, response or even a slight read in his subconscious mind.

He would gladly enjoy Hell, perhaps he would gnash his teeth at the unbearable, unthinkable, terrifying, tremendous pain.., but he would gladly endure it since nobody seem to care.., Nobody. That was far better than this.. than this indifference, that would be better than this echo of inconsideration.. If God did not care.. Perhaps He wasn’t so real after all.

All men were bound to a journey, their choices inevitably crossing the path so covered deeply with directions towards a spiritual destiny that only a few men perceived the great depths of such a call.

But as he knelt, knelt near the side of the bridge, as the cars screamed past him.., he felt a sudden gentleness in the depths of his spirit. It was so fleeting, yet so powerful in the way in which it broke away his burdens and seemed to nurse away at his famished, weary and hurt spirit… His inner spirit with it’s fractures, hurts, wounds and deep brokenness… This wondrous mysterious force seemed to work away at his tremendous darkness and seemed to weave into his tears, bursts of heavenly light, into his broken anguish the healing waters of life herself…, Who was this..? What was this..? He questioned his heart.., He felt a being working away at his heart…, He heard the whisper of a name humanity had called unto for eternity, often mistaking His identity and often times building up images from their own imagination and wisdom. He inquired further, eager to question this being that he had searched for ages, searching in the futility of the outer world and her vast enormity, he strongly felt the name, Jesus being sent to him… Yeshua.., images of a hebrew speaking Jewish Rabbi, Teacher and Healer streamed into his consciousness… His eyes welled up, the tears flowed freely.., what healing..? What kindness radiated from the man..? What gentleness..? How had he never come to this man..? Why had been unable to discern the absolute truth of Godship in this man..? How..?

But he did not care right now, he had been saved… Given life.., breathed into and offered another chance by eternity, by the tremendous majesty of the supernatural’s Creator and by the source and origin of the Universe…, God…, God did care…, He seemed to care a lot… He suddenly had this irresistible desire to share that news with the whole world, how great was his joy…, He ran …., He ran past people and he cared no more…, his heart felt light, radiant and joyful.., He screamed the name Yeshua to everyone and anyone who listened.., Yeshua saved me as I was about to jump off that bridge.. right there.. in front of you all.., Jesus.. yes that’s his name… Please listen to me.., you have to know Him… He is God.., he said to the fools blinded to their lusts by the fallen gods of this world.., but his conviction, his spiritual radiance seemed to penetrate into their hearts…,he would tell them over and over.. that was going to be his life from now.

How does one know..? He just does. It’s so deeply embedded in our psyche to respond to God that we should seriously lose all our fanciful intellectual worship of our own knowledge and Holy Curiosity, because we all will know what it is when we meet it…, either in tragedy or introspection.., We are all being attracted to the magnetic search for peace demanded from our own souls. Why don’t we ever slow down, and truly give God a chance..? Why..?

Love ( My broken pieces are longing for yours)- A poem

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Not everything is about beauty son,
Beauty is a powerful drug that blinds,
the deeper things lie far from it’s intoxicating surface,
Love is far away from an outer, immediate reachable thing,
perhaps it is far more than mere attraction,
far deeper than emotions and feelings,
perhaps that is why I fall for things that I can never
have, perhaps that is why I am fooled into things that
are not meant to be.

I did the strangest odd imaginative activities when I was young,
I dreamt about girls that I fell in love with.
I lived through intense feelings that created, beautiful, restless,
unfulfilled dreams of them in my heart.
I also imagined myself people dancing to my favorite beats,
I was grooving along with them too.

But I just stumbled across the strangest realization yesterday,
Hear me out now.
For years I have been ruled by attraction,
I thought about the electricity igniting smiles of my overpowering infatuations,
I have thought about the way I felt when I saw her for the first time,
about the feel of lips, I drowned in the longing to feel her closer to me.
Thoughts of her were my oxygen,
but for the first time yesterday I thought about my future soul’s half without any physical longing, without the confusing emotion of romance longing merely for what inspires it’s dreams.
I wonder if I am really falling in love, or merely loving what my eyes and heart finds
overwhelming and deep.
I do love, loving is what I have been longing for … Longing past the swelling tides of the long harsh years of utter loneliness, Loving is what I want.., but I wonder if love is more than making myself feel better, I wonder if love is more than what I feel would unite my soul with her’s together and tether me to a pole so that I will not separate myself from the entire universe of alienating powers and tendencies,
I choose so very badly.., I choose people with fear, with insecurity and with a deep pain and hidden emotional obliviousness.
I want to wake myself now.., Reality is far better than dreams,
I am a dreamer.., yes the world is full of unimaginable horrors which torment and oppress my sensitive soul every second of every day…,
but I am no longer giving myself up to meaningless yearnings, longings and eternal pining away for blissfully happy damsels deeply in love with themselves and their perfect little boy toys,
I am a man, a dreamer, a poet, a rebel, a writer, a healer and an artist,
I long and call for a love to stay,
to nourish my desperate loneliness,
to help me worship my Maker with a heart so flawed yet so filling and willing to unite, and yet connect as one.
I long for reality’s princess…, the one with a headstrong rebelliousness,
the one with the independent spirit,
the one who would cry to lose me even if she is the strongest woman in the world..,
I’d like more of that, and less of drama creating daddy’s princesses,
I’m sick of you all, please leave my world alone,
I wish to be alive and love my rightful queen.