Accepting God’s authority – Confessions

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I have realized that recently I have had some trouble accepting the authority and the finality of scripture. I would like for some flexibility and a little less responsibility at times, and not feel threatened by Eternal Hell-fire and the passage of time.. There are so many consequences and dangers if one disobeys scripture, that the jolly, care for nothing life of old doesn’t have the power to exist anymore in our current lives and feels more like a terrible atrocity when chosen.

As faith begins in one’s life, He finds Himself touched, changed and led on a journey of choices…, but then the doubts begin… they might be something as small as why is this sin wrong in God’s eyes..? Or something as big as why does the Lord allow natural disasters..? Famines..? Earthquakes..? Poverty..? And the answers are not exactly useful and faith building…, the knee jerk answers seem to only lead to more bigger and more complex questions.., Fears enter in, disbelief settles in, faith loses it’s child like willingness…, It becomes intellectual, searching, doubting…, God appears, powerless, uninterested and unsettling.., He appears too perfect, fearsome, demanding, scary and frightening.., We are all doomed we think.. Hell seems like a much easier choice…, atleast the demands, the standards and the criteria are not so high…, We fall into imprisoning disbeliefs, former habits, lethargic irritations, hopeless and joyless religiosities.

Like I said, the consequences and the effects of even a tiny moment of rest and relaxation brings way too many painful obstacles, It is only some time before I can completely give up in disillusion and panic in a passive manner…, thinking that everything is lost.., I place too much Authority on myself.., I believe that all my hunches, instincts, reasonings and intuitions are correct…I find the demands of righteousness too exacting, and I find constant disillusion when things don’t go my way…. and when it does I find myself helplessly being sucked into the depths of disbelief and atheistic hopelessness…, Faith seems too weak when it encounters the sheer viciousness of my inner world and her mangled, powerfully and associatively created contents…, Faith seems too weak to break away addictions that have lived on for years in my heart and in my soul even after I have encountered the gracious freedom in Christ… and Faith seems impossible when we stare at the faithless, godless elemental nature of reality…, existing without meaning or purpose and is one big void and emptiness despite appearances to the contrary… We all would love to give up.., and most of us do.., I hear about so many of my former friends, seniors, colleagues, classmates and role models losing their faith and falling down… I don’t blame them…, Faith is a Cross…, an act of complete spiritual immersion.., a balancing.., a lifestyle… where reality is accepted and changed through Faith’s presence…, Faith means that we will be attacked by the World’s thoughts, by our own and by people of all kinds.. we will be attacked by evil spiritual energies that can creep insidiously into our thoughts, who have studied our weaknesses from birth and whose only joy is in damaging, destroying and wrecking our lives.

We are fighting off many enemies dear friends in Christ.., Friend.., your life is under constant scrutiny and attack which you will never realize if you are being led by worldly thinking which only makes sense of the world. I have learned that I have to learn to turn to God no matter how the situation appears like.. I don’t do a great job at it myself.. but I have learned that that is the only way…I try to battle my pride and my discouragement and reach out for Him whose touch can save me, I have learned that even if I am consumed by the ugliness of the shame that comes when I have broken and abused the Lord’s grace a million times and one.., God still not only wants and loves me.. He has been waiting for me…, He has been fighting for me… He will help me out of my addictions.., He will cure me of my desire to crave a substance that is often seen as a door to immediate pleasure, happiness and feeling alive…, Yes all addiction creating substances provide immediate thrills and kicks, but they can also damage and corrupt our character and bring immense trouble into our lives. We just need to lean, trust and learn to admit our weaknesses when it comes to following Christ… We are provided with mighty weapons to tear down the strongholds of the enemy who was defeated at the Cross.. Friend, if you are in a corner and being hounded and tormented by the enemy… Let me introduce you to my Savior..Jesus.. , He can save you from whatever hopeless situation that you are stuck up in, He is mighty to save, lift and restore what has been lost, misused, misunderstood and broken.We are living amidst an incredibly dull, selfish and fearful world.. we are a minority gloriously redeemed by God’s incredible love … and now we are here to express that same warmth to the world. Glow on Mighty Warrior of God.
God bless

Late night confessions – Dreamer’ Chronicles

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I worry when I can’t find something to write about. I get more anxious when the slightest disturbances tick me off when I am trying to write…. I worry often that I could permanently lose my connection to writing… I worry about things that seem more real than reality itself. Writing is a place of drowning for me…, Writing is a place where passion meets silence…, and they merge together like translucent worlds…Creating oceanic infinity unto which I find my soul adrift in… I go gently into the depths and drown myself….I feel my heart worshipping my Maker as I find meaning in the mundane and use it to create pictures that would last longer than the finished hours.. The World of Words, Stories and thoughts like ripples sink deeper into the Mighty Ocean of my Soul… I allow my heart to take over and wander… Hungry to create, Dissolving my being into the words that flow like moving streams going somewhere. I fancy myself as an eternal seeker, seeking God in the spaces of my heart’s longings and my mind’s thoughts.

I often wonder what God is like…? I wonder what He really thinks about Gay people… Paedophiles… Prostitutes.. My secret sins, My willful sins.. My lack of power in sustaining the spiritual balance and foundation of my Salvation…? Why did He have to create Hell…? Why do so many people die everyday…? I wonder when my death will come..? I wonder when the Rapture would occur…? I wonder how something as deeply evil as sin came about in this world – I wonder if sin, the cataclysmic, apocalypse demanding Hell creating evil is the direct opposite of God’s ridiculous Grace and Goodness…, I wonder if my self righteous friends are heading to Heaven and I wonder if I am on a highway to Hell…? I wonder if I can ever break the strongholds that seem to always remind me of their presence in my heart…? I wonder if Angels walk by my Gates disguised as Poor, wretched Beggars…, I wonder if I can ever fall in love again after the mess, the scars and the consequent lows that followed..? I wonder if I could give my life to Christ as a Martyr..? I wonder if I will ever finish writing my beloved book project…?

I read an angry, powerful blog the other day… The writer, a popular blogger was terrifically outraged by the U.S. Supreme Court’s announcement that favored Gay people and their democratic right to marry their partners. The writer was making a point that Jesus is not the peace loving, Grace offering person that people make Him out to be… He was a mighty, Righteous Judge who continually offended people with the truth…, He wielded whips when He discovered His Father’s House turned into a house of salesmen and traders. This was what the blogger was ranting about.., and I could understand his outrage…, he was tired of hearing people quote portions of scripture that justified their actions while blinding them to their mistakes.., and he just wished to educate them on the full character of Christ which I always feel like I have not understood. I fell in love with Jesus at a young age… He to me was the most interesting character of the entire Bible.., in my later years I found David enjoyable.. since I had many traits and life choices that mirrored his… , I realized the presence of a God as I was about to commit suicide two years ago…Trapped in a life that was slowly involving drugs, alcohol and recklessness.. I was supported by God’s words that offered me comfort, counsel and healing without the bruising judgment and confrontation that it usually does… I cling rigidly to the Grace portions… His wonderful protection of the Prostitute.., His Parable of the Prodigal son.., His tender love for Peter even after he betrayed a knowledge of Him…, His love attracts me to Him.. If there was ever someone who loved like Him.. ? My Father made a comment that Christ avoided personal attachments to people, My Father’s theory is that Jesus could not have kept up His personal ministry had He been terribly attached to people. I found myself getting terribly angry at the suggestion.., I fell in love with Jesus assuming that He was already madly and passionately in love with me..! If He was that way in His ministry, how would He treat me like as a redeemed sinner… ? I personally encountered the rich treasures of God’s precious, wonderful grace after accepting Him back into my life and renewing a commitment to Him. My Father often has this unconscious nature of lessening the nature of my story in order to reflect his own choices when he found Christ. I wonder if I can ever truly understand, grasp or ponder upon His nature. He fascinates, challenges, convicts, rebukes, loves, warns, terrifies and occupies me at all times. I can’t draw a picture of Him without pondering at length about every trait of His, and wondering about the spiritual implications and the social settings that inspired His fiery speeches. I feel like that is what the disciples must have encountered.! He was too complex to understand, but too loving to accept them all.. trifles, rejects and outcasts in a broken, legalistic society where God had become a mere phrase, tossed around to suit one’s piety and pious actions. I can understand the warning imminent in the blogger’s post… , I truly get it…, I struggled to keep up the righteous part even after I found my way into Him.. No overnight, dramatic changes occurred.. but my old heart and her ways were gone…, I felt new, fresh, cleansed, cleaned up and free… As a part of my attempts at disciplining my former life’s energies, I tried to read through Paul’s complex and blunt letters…, Most of them offended me and most of them challenged me. I wept, cried and complained to the Lord all the time that He was making this too hard for me…, I remember a time when I was not afraid to burn in Hell( a quite foolish pride and vanity of course).. My reasons were that if God’s ways were too forceful and demanding… I’d rather choose pain than go and live a perfect life in a perfect place full of perfect people – Saints, Obedient children and Perfectionists… I was quite happy being surrounded by hardened sinners who routinely lived a scandalous, riotous life without the slightest concern for a Holy God…, but at least they did not seem to be bothered much by my lifestyle or by my presence…, God on the meanwhile was too Holy, Perfect and Absolute for my tastes… He in my opinion seemed too hard to follow. But I found strangely that I was wrong…, and that God’s ways and character were too deep and too good in order for me to run away from Him. In all honesty, I wanted to run towards Him as much as I have wanted to run away from Him. Something about Him made me stay… Something about Him made me want to take an effort.

I know that in a way when I encountered Christ, I was magnificently changed.. My old friends started parting away… My lips spoke only about Jesus.. He replaced the failed love with Brilliance and Power… But stubbornly I held on to certain sins.. feeling that they were too small to inflict much damage, I would let them all away as I progressed in my faith. But they opened portals through which demonic powers forced themselves into, eating away at my new heart… Slaying away my noble efforts…, attempting to pull me back into my former world of outward glamor and pride. Somehow by the Lord’s infinite, profound mercy for my soul I survived time and time again.. But many battles were lost along the way…, but time and time again I found my knees on the floor.. asking for mercy, for Grace… for Power… For deliverance… Ultimate Deliverance… I found them often…, many of my evils have passed away… unable to find a breeding ground.. but some of the stay… subtle.. silent and predatory… Waiting for the kill… But God’s wondrous Grace and Love for me has kept me sane, sober and free for long periods of time…, but I have darknesses still but the light exposes them often.. I am not a finished product.., I have faith that Heaven is where I belong even though dark terrors and fears of Hell have kept me imprisoned for as long as I can remember. I have Faith that God will mightily deliver me from all my inward inabilities and sicknesses… I have Faith that God will accomplish what He started in my heart. I have Faith in God’s love for me which has never, ever changed and remains a rock solid supporting rope as I climp upward into the realms of the supernatural and the spiritual.

I wanted my faith to be Vibrant.., Poetic, Soulful… Spiritually rich, diverse and independent…I kept many notes about my travels which suddenly sprang up with life.. I had struggled before in capturing the intricacies of architecture.., texture, topography and the psyche and emotional vibe of the locale…but Christ’s presence and friendship transformed ordinary occurrences into gems of spiritual power and wealth. I felt my writing healed of its powerful demons, I felt my writing find a solid, stable anchor against the inner winds of a writer’s destructive darkness…, I felt my writing gain power, force and presence… as I inhabited my words, my world and my observations. God’s favor swamped my life.. I felt it deepen dry friendships, heal wounded scars inflicted by proud snobs, cure anxieties.. Deliver me from Demonic powers on a daily basis., and take me to artistic heights and realms that nourished and enriched my spirit. I felt like I was being offered a tiny glimpse of Heaven.

I often wonder if I am constructing a God whom I would love instead of merely accepting the fiercely righteous calls towards eliminating sinfulness and choosing actions that would bring Holiness into our lives. The Bible itself warns about choosing doctrines that appeal rather than living out doctrines that demand and plead for immediate action. But I can understand…, righteousness is a shield against the mighty, overpowering force of evil and wickedness… Holiness takes us away from mere worldliness…But like I said… I am just a learner…, a child attempting to wear armors that are too heavy and large for my liking…, but I am a warrior and a soldier… I have always fought for what is right… even at the cost of my own comforts.. and I will continue to persevere on, knowing that My Father is right alongside me no matter how feeble my tries.

God bless you all.
Good night.

Sensitive – A poem

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We as people have grown so used to groaning at the limitations of others,
Did you know that he came to office late yesterday…? We say.
Did you hear about what he did the other day…? We whisper
Isn’t it funny …? We deal with imperfections by Gossip which we justify as information,
we express bravado when they are not there, when in real life we can’t affect them in the way that they affect us,
If some of us have a temper, we attack, but again, the truth is that we can’t bear what it does to us.
We are defensive about the hurt inflicted on us by others,
we term it disobedience but in all truth, we can’t bear it when someone talks ill of us,
but we all do it, don’t we… Some of us with evil intent, the other just to vent.
When other people mock and scowl at us,
we hurt and linger, but we cover it up and move on like there is no message there,
we offer it way too much power. We forget that we can overcome,
we can transcend, we can throw away that evil at a Cross,
and walk off instead with a clarity of who we are,
and remember that we can’t allow our conscience to rot.
We can use that disdain trapped in a spirit that has become corrupt,
and instead build strength that can last through whips and chains.

I get so sensitive at times, I can’t find the right ways to normally talk,
I find myself caught, my heart it feels painfully tender,
I am not good at being normal, conversation about earth bound topics is hard for me.
I am good at being fully alive, but the moment I come into groups of human beings,
my wings are clipped and I crash.
I can only be who they assume I am,
They trap me with their thoughts, their forceful opinions, their cruel judgments,
I can’t be free in a world that is trapped,
therefore I throw away my wings and take on a cross instead,
and pretend to be like everybody else.

The curse of perception, is that one wishes to never interfere,
to never make one’s presence felt,
because we all know… We know that love is a myth,
No wonder we cling so desperately to what we can find,
The people we fall head over heels for, the people for whom we would plunge into the deepest oceans for,
they are every bit as indifferent, as broken, as complex, as disturbed, as affected, as ordinary, as irritating, as annoying,
and as disenchanted as we all are,
but we seek still… for the human heart hopes,
it hopes for a cure,
for peace that can transcend the banalities,
the realities and the trivialities.

We all know that someone out there is tired of us,
we know that someone out there hates us, it could be a brief moment in a crowd, or in a shop,
but that alone is enough, that brief scratch… can destroy the most powerful self constrcuted image,
immediately if it is constructed by hope and fantasy, latently if it is constructed by pride and arrogance.
Most people ignore us, and treat us like we are not important enough…,
That is the language of this world, to treat us in a way that does not disturb their illusions.
So we find ways to cope, to enjoy our own rowdiness, and express our own unique gifts,
but constantly we find ourselves troubled by the vastness of the world,
by the sheer level of talent which has become a powerless and mindless enterprise,
we know talent but can’t fathom character,
we see dreams reached, but the price is seldom revealed,
we see Happiness and accomplishment, but never the question , ‘ Is this all there is to life…?’
we know skill, but we can’t perceive egoism.
Like trees that endure smoke,
our hearts bear vicissitudes that we enter into by nature of who we wish to be.

What Good is life without God…? – A poem

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I hate when I say,
Wow, God is the ultimate artist,
As if there were a bunch of people with whom He can be compared to…,
Who can be compared to God…?
Picasso..? Houdini…? Kerouac…? Thomas Wolfe…?
Is God not Art Himself…?
Art came from God, didn’t it…?
Poetry came from God… It resounds like an unheard echo in all nature,
the evening chirps of departing birds, the soothing texture of the evening skies,
the delicious trickling of brooks, the sinking warmth that rugged, yet green hills provide,
He who knows the intricate secrets of our hearts , has created for us a world that we destroy,
by our dreams of houses, companies and profits.

What man creates … Lingers on in history,
Treasured by those for whom it opened doors hidden in their own heart,
Appreciated by those who feel like they can never accomplish such a task,
But what a feeble creation… For a man to create what he has created,
it took him his whole life… God did it in just 6 days.
He created the deep and incredible life that we enjoy,
the joys that we can find,
the happiness that we enjoy…
He created our hearts… Everything that there is to know in this world ,
He created it but Why then are we pretending like we know it all…?

Humanity wishes to write its own history,
but humanity cannot create itself,
and so our versions of history are actually our means of coping in a big, mysterious Universe that just screams that there is a creator.

I hate how silent God is sometimes,
because, I… I can hear the echo of suspense,
He is not rejecting me,
I don’t perceive isolation or alienation,
Because it is not in His nature to abandon His own,
But I can’t bear Him being away from me,
I can’t help but cry out,
Because I need Him so dearly in my life,
I can’t do without Him, every minute, every moment,
and every second, my sanity depends on His closeness to my life.
But I am a wretch, a failure when it comes to treasuring the good things,
I know only to destroy, I know how to be careless, self centered, egomaniacal and selfish.
I can’t live with those types of attitudes within myself,
and I react greatly when I see them in others,
I don’t want to be who I want to be,
I want to be like God, I want to express that perfect love that does not require my obedience, or my humility, or greatness,
I know that God loves me despite who I am, and Who I sometimes can be,
I only want this whole life to be about one thing only, to be worthy of Him and to understand what He wishes for me.