Piercing the darkness – Part One

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Yosef watched with mute keenness the entire scene. There were so many humans there, most of them would never realize the reality of their inner soul and it’s precarious position in the sight of the Lord. None of them would know that a similar fate would meet them if they did not repent of their inherent wickedness, spiritual rebellion and mindful sinfulness and accept the precious sacrifice of the Lord Jesus Christ done for the benefit of humanity.

No one would be able to see him, the Lord had tired of satan using the unseen realm to fool men into believing in stories that men’s imagination devised, during the days of Noah and Enoch, Lucifer had created grand displays of men’s imagination.. Giants had lived, and had invited men’s worship and awe… further deceiving themselves and falling deeper and deeper into the nature of their own minds, by claiming to be wise, they fell away and into the snares of the ancient dragon who led them all away from the one true God and into fables, myths and fantasies.. lucifer knew how to sense such imaginative and deep souls…, Most of them would be born either in the months of March, June, September or February.., he carefully read their imaginations because he had been granted access of the soul, when the Lord created man. Man’s soul stirred up strange imagery that murmured in the restless heart of a man deep in sleep, if only a man listened to his soul during his sleep..? But the Lord had purposefully concealed knowledge of their language from man’s wisdom, natural discernment and understanding… The Lord only wanted men to be saved from Hell, His End time Judgment and from His ferocious wrath in this age…The Lord had created man using mud, but the Lord in His tremendous all encompassing wisdom had generously granted men a bit of His spirit’s intoxicating eternal mystery.. this was what men called soul.., when men lost sight of earthly things and like a child believed in the Lord Jesus and His powerful resurrection and sacrifice.., their soul converted into a spirit…and in that spirit the Lord would reveal Himself in ways that the human mind with its limits could never fathom… The Lord did not intend for the father of lies to have access to man’s soul, but His truthful absolute made it possible for His absolute goodness as well…. The fall of man opened up the soul to the evil of the fallen one.., the ancient sinner… Yosef’s face grew grim as he thought of the horrendous evil that the Serpent had created all through the ages.. all because of the knowledge that he had stolen from Heaven.., Filthy robber.., his end was coming soon.., The Lord was just anxious to save as many souls as He could before the vile serpent would raise the final deception upon all of mankind… Even an evil would glorify the Lord ultimately, such is the Lord’s law.

His senses were used to the earthly pain by now, Yosef was deeply sad but he was an angel. He did not possess man’s flesh which created deep sorrow and suffering in the case of tragedy. Man’s pain was more acute because of the way in which the Lord had created an inner system of life.. Yosef meanwhile belonged to another realm, but his duties were always to watch, guard and protect against severe outbreaks of tragedy, pain and suffering…Yosef saw the different reactions in each soul that stood by the dead body, the medics were on their way, he could hear the sirens 5 kms away.., He knew the names of all the people in the crowd. There were 10 people besides Tim who had been viciously gunned down. The Lord enabled man to choose actions with his own free will.., and man always chooses evil, because apart from Christ all that man knows is the evil inside of him… but the Lord had in His great mercy granted men natural controls over the inner depravity so vast and unrealized in a man’s inmost being.. His heart without God’s presence was deeply wicked and sinful, Men’s hearts were always restless, wicked and without a thought of the actions that would be triggered by their indulgence in sin. Mankind did not realize that their indwelling sin was the reason for all the chaos, mess and vile ugliness in what had been God’s precious world… Yosef knew things beyond man’s wisdom, Yosef could only sadly smile at the proud and haughty thoughts of men who assumed themselves to be gods.., Yosef and his fellow brothers, the guardians of this world shivered and trembled as they thought of the truth that was hidden to all of mankind. Mankind were given too little information about Yahweh’s incredible Glory… Men on this planet tired of everything.., they would grow weary, restless and begin to search and scour for inner peace.., Never realizing that it is only in Jesus that the greatest love and solution of all that a man’s heart can feel is found in.. How tender was the Lord’s mercy towards these clueless rebels and condemned..?

Man did not have the power to realize the evil that was so piercingly pervasive in every inch, fiber and space of humanity and all her grandiose creations. Yosef wondered if he should separate the soul from Tim..? Tim’s father would be devastated.., his mother had left Tim’s father when he had been young.., She wanted to freely indulge in debauchery, she had listened to her heart and it had deceived her without her knowledge.., She had left to Las Vegas.., she had tried out every sinful indulgence over there, and was now trapped by the lusts for alcohol and immorality… Yosef knew intimate things about people, he could see the paths that they were choosing for themselves, he could see the deceiving spirits gleefully chaining people who lusted after the world and its pleasures and giving most people an illusion of control, freedom and independence… but the Lord had firmly closed her supply, her finances and her promiscuity by giving her health issues in her kidneys… Tim’s father was a Godly man.., crushed by his wife’s free spirited nature.. Steve struggled to stay afloat.., but that was when a local youth pastor, Joe had invited him to a Saturday evening concert and Service.. Steve’s life had turned radical, he found God’s power to forgive the grievous sorrow of losing his wife to the world.., he became a praying man.., and he spent many hours on his knees..Praying for his neighborhood.., he became a Prayerful Watchman for his neighborhood.. Zealously praying for the Lord’s will and Help to be available to the lost souls in his vicinity.., he even prayed zealously for his wife to find her way back to him.., he prayed for Tim endlessly, and the Lord had listened and had put in plan a sequence to save him.

Tim had wanted a coke and some hersheys, when Simon, the local gang-banger triggered to irritation by a spirit of aggression to strike fear in the drug infested neighborhood had opened fire at a local midnight store which had asian owners. Simon, had grown up poor.., he had slept on the sidewalks, his parents had divorced…his mother was a dope fiend and had neither the time nor the conscious recognition of him as her son, but a chance encounter with a drug dealer had altered his life forever.. Triggered deeply to never feel that shame, pain and sorrow.. Simon had struck fear in the heart of roswell neighborhood.. Driven by a maniacal pursuit of power.. Simon created a gang that spread drugs, violence and pain… Yosef remembered that the Lord had spoken many times to Simon’s conscience, but the local territorial spirit created calamities that struck a deeper fear into the heart of Simon, causing him to sink deeper into the mob life.

Caught by a barrage of bullets, Tim had fallen down, unconscious in a pool of his own blood. He had been dead for upto 10 mins by now.., passers by had shrieked in horror at the lifeless body, Stan the Asian who took care of the midnight store had forgotten the bullet sprayed windows.., he had rushed to Tim’s side and had called 911.., Yosef had seen Stan crying at the sheer injustice of it all, passersby had all been attacked by demonic hordes of terror, fear and indifference.. Many of them had run away.., Yosef could not believe their actions, but the devil’s hellions were working to create fierce divisions and factions within mankind.. even now he could see these demons so vicious, vile and violent spread lies into the hearts of the few people who stood there.. Yosef was a high ranking Angel, He had enough power to crush and send off these pathetic hellions scampering to the shady realm of the underworld… but the Lord had not spoken through the saints in Heaven…Yosef for now was to watch over and reduce in measure, the evil of this place… Why were mankind so foolish to not pray..? Did they not know that prayer opened up the floodgates of heaven..? Yosef could only observe what men’s freewill opened their unprotected lives upto.., Mankind rarely asked for the Lord’s help.., they were too caught up in some imaginary world of their own creation…He was sad.., Tim had just begun meeting Rosie.., Rosie was skeptical of her faith, but one of the reasons that their life paths crossed was to trigger Tim to deeper examine his faith as he saw Rosie’s excuses to not stand for Christ..,Only the Lord knew who He would save at all costs.., but the Lord treated everyone like the same, but once again there were deeper mysteries to the Lord’s plans that Yosef loved.., Yosef felt his heart swell as he thought about the Lord.., It was such an incredible honor to serve the true Master of the universe…Oh if only men could see the Lord, or even sense in their inner being His truths.. Yosef sighed.., happy that angels had been spared the fate of humans…but still determined to stand for the Lord’s cause for wicked, selfish humanity…Yosef knew that there had been a chance that the Lord would’ve sparked the lives of Tim and Rosie.. The Prayers of Tim’s father had protected Tim on many many occasions, but Tim had hardened his heart against the Lord since Tim felt that he could not believe in someone who had not done anything to unite his mother and father… Tim also lived in an unsafe neighborhood… murders, drugs and prostitution had hardened his heart and aroused anger at what he assumed was either a non existent fantasy or a detached God who hardly cared about His creation… Yosef could only think in awe of the Lord’s tender mercy as He saved billions and billions of ungrateful cowards, murderers, fornicators, sorcerers, selfish and godless mortals so dead in their sins… It was sad that Tim had never grasped Jesus strong enough in his life, despite the hundreds and thousands of chances that Yahweh had offered unto him.

(to be continued)

Chronicles of an Imperfect Saint.

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I woke up and saw everything around me in terror. My heart racing over what I had seen, felt and done.

What had I done..? What had I done..?

I felt an unearthly fear grip me. I hear the light growl of a street dog in the distance, I hear the familiar sounds of the night in an unsafe neighborhood at unease with the unseen forces of terror that stalk and prowl, I feel my heart beat racing. Was I going to die today..? Did I have the assurance of salvation..? I had been engaging in a dangerous game of backsliding and grace abuse for the past two to three weeks, had I exhausted God’s patience..? Was murder going to become the way that I encountered God before I was to be led towards the fiery, never ending flames of hell..? I began to search for verses in my memory to combat the overpowering, domineering forces inherent in my mind. I tried to remember past experiences where I had been rescued, saved and comforted. I tried to calm myself and stop feeling what I felt. I did not have any luck… I knew the fear that I was feeling all too well. In my spiritual mind, I tried to discern if it was a spirit, if it was a spirit operating the mention of Jesus would yield a breakthrough in some unseen, mystical and supernatural way. The past few weeks I had been swamped with village visits, personal evangelism, preaching, witnessing, writing, shooting for tv, and testifying of the Lord’s power in the town that I was placed by the Lord. It was one of my greatest spiritual longings coming to life, and it had been coming to life in the greatest possible way… But I felt completely disconnected to it all despite being spiritually empowered and able in the greatest way possible. But the simplest way to put it across to you would be that I felt myself staring at it in unbelief. Not the emotional, overwhelming sort of unbelief. But the suspicious, anxious and unthinking kind where I did not even possess a human spark or capacity to comprehend what was at work in my life at the moment.

I had started to work as an evangelist slash (sub sub) assistant pastor to a Theologian, Pastor and Bible Teacher and despite my fears of the past, despite my fears of getting caught in a wrong situation, and getting caught up with some maniacal, Over Righteous Perfectionist whose bruising words of judgment, criticism and condescension would torment me eternally, I had taken a dive because working for the Lord was what I had been created for, it was the reason that I was alive today and it was the only passion in my life that consumed me 24/7. Prior to this dive I had had three months of fiery tests, tremendous mental trials and financial suffering as I quit my job at a Gospel Channel that I had had the pleasure of shepherding, laboring for and being a part of for two years. In that channel I had had my own tv show, I was popular on account of that show and everywhere I went people began to recognize me. As blessed as that made me feel, I could hardly care less.. It was the joy of ministering to people that I enjoyed, I was a wise man who had suffered endless trials and wounds in my past, I knew the perilous side of popularity and I wanted none of it, I enjoyed people finding a reason to talk to me, apart from that I did not particularly enjoy being known as someone who was a collection of television pixels in many houses.. I wished more to be a man of use to the Lord, effective to Him and absolutely of usefulness to the King of Kings who knew the pitfalls, downfalls and the people type who were rampant in my town.. I have always been more concerned about pleasing God than man.

I had my own individual, unique, God created way of ministering and I would usually get offended when people pointed out legal errors in my style that I had never been very thrilled about perfecting, as I had studied the Bible I knew deeply that the Lord chooses certain people for who they are and for who He had created them to be, but He would fill them with Him and then use them in Holy, awe inspiring Power. I get offended because people want me to be like them, to think like them and to talk like them in a Biblical manner, God has given me a different gifting that I find the most satisfaction in, it has enabled me to do His work in a form and fashion that is more about individual healing, understanding and empathy driven counselling, fiery preaching, expository sermonizing, building up deep personal connections, initiating complete engagement and filled with Holy, inspiring and Godly passion. My leadership was more in tune with my Master, Jesus.. I was a man of the people, I hung out with sinners but I fed them truths about the gospel, I prayed fervently for them(if i’m honest right now, it has been weeks since I have prayed for anyone with my style of time), I tried to bring out the best in them, I encouraged them, I supported them and I loved them like I loved myself, or at least attempted to heroically. I allowed them to be them self and I was wise about their nature, since I observed, studied and understood them in ways that they probably have not had the joy of being accepted. All such abilities come along with my Godly anointing, power and filling. It is the Power of the LORD that has helped me perform things that I am thoroughly incapable of. I was created for a different purpose, I was not created to please men, I was created to please God. I was a man of God, no matter how many times I say it I find it hard to believe and accept.

Growing up I never had a feel for my talents, gifts and uniqueness. I only found myself wounded since I was always overlooked, underappreciated and never recognized.

The worst part about the last few weeks was that I was underfed in my spirit. My prayers had been very distracted, filled with all kinds of fears, fraught with nervous tension, wary of Godly punishment and aloof from Biblical confrontation. I always have observed how the Lord grows sharp in rebuke the further I emotionally disconnect from Him. I enjoy that actually since i’m the exact same way. I know that only love has that quality. But it has taken me time to understand it, since I have always felt personally hurt with punishment since I grew up, a fearful, awkward, shy and self conscious kid. Academically I was poor, teachers rarely praised,admired, acknowledged my existence or even enjoyed my presence… As a matter of fact nobody that I knew acknowledged me, I was unseen, invisible and deemed unworthy. I was not loved for who I was, I was seen for who I was not. I was always at the bottom of the food chain.. words such as weak student, failure, slow learner, inept, foolish and other hurtful words in the Tamil language were bestowed upon me often. I gradually learned to look at myself based on the treatment, the words and the acceptance that I received. This was not frequent, but happened 80 percent of the time. It was always implied though, and my intuition has always been on point.

My parents were often informed of my low grades, and I felt humiliation at being such a poor example of my parents at my first school. I knew my parents story, they had worked so hard to come to where we were at the moment, and here I was ruining their name, their image and their pride. I felt shame about it, but I never talked about it, but it was something that I always felt even though there are tons of negatives about me. Very early on I could pick out social themes around me , one of them was inequality, I could understand why people looked over me, I could understand why they saw dark skin and saw it as something that reminded them of ugliness.., it reminded them of the ditch, the crows and unattractiveness. So you can clearly see the k I couldn’t understand why they still didn’t feel that even such a sort of inferior person, atleast in their eyes .. Still how they felt that such a person did not deserve kindness, respect and love is beyond me.. Culturally people grow up humanistically foolish.. My different world has always enabled me to be deeply humane despite all of my flaws.

So from my narrative you can sense the kind of emotional baggage that I possess in my heart towards being confrontational, controlling, judgmental and being criticized. All these experiences have drained into my nature a kind of individualistic, independence with a protective rebelliousness, where I learned to protect myself through self imposed isolation and emotional distance. I could understand why.. God has always given me deep understanding, but what I struggled, wrestled with and was unable to come to terms with was the question How. How could people disrespect and be so unkind..? How could people kill..? How could people humiliate others and never ask sorry..? How could people be so cruel to somebody else..? How..? How..?

At my first school, Inequality was implied, reinforced and taught consciously and unconsciously, at my second school it was worse. In the Indian education system teachers were allowed to punish, hit and hurt students back in my day. The motive was to make students succeed, I wonder if it has ever accomplished that though. For four long years, I went to a hostel where I encountered this in full force. I had failed 8th grade in my first school, which meant that I had to repeat it once again. Deeply depressed and hungry for a new experience, I asked my mother to enroll me in a school that I felt would make me stronger. Growing up around rich kids, privileged kids and amongst kids who knew how to express themselves with pride, strength and arrogance.. I felt weak, inferior, ugly, unattractive, undesired, left over and untalented. At my next school, my academic and socializing inabilities encountered bullying, teasing, cruel physical punishment, taunting, fights, pride, strength, force and verbal punishment. I was the one who was always punished the most, the one who felt the sickness in the system the most and the one who felt the hurt of others the most, growing up I could never sense anybody have the kind of heart for the suffering like I did. I say that with all humility, since the school that I studied at after failing eight grade implied that one had the license to be arrogant by brute force and be recognized as some sort of man. I can only laugh at the foolishness of all such imbeciles and snobs now, but still I have the humbling, my own pride breaking sense to also reach out with compassion to the bully in the same manner that I reach out to the suffering.

Punishment meant that I was unloved, rebuke meant that I was inferior, I knew that I couldn’t treat the Lord this way, as strong as it made me feel to have the power to stay within protective distance from the Lord’s rod of correction, I knew deeply well that I wouldn’t be able to stand a minute of His distance.., I would self destruct if He were to abandon and neglect me.., I would gladly murder myself if He were to distance Himself away from me forever. I can’t bear His distance, I can’t bear Him not enjoying me, I can’t bear Him being apart from me even though i’m an idiot who forgets things and acts belligerently and disrespectfully. More than seeing God as God, I view Him through the lens of my need.. Chiefly my inner most needs of wanting love at all times, at all costs and during all times. If He were to abandon me, I would revert to my former self, with all its demonic oppression, lies, fears and deep deep anxieties.

It had frightened me to my deepest core. The nightmare ie. But I sighed as I felt the absence of the deep darkness that I had felt as soon as I had woken up. I felt a deep burden lift from my the depths of my soul. The burden of my past and the promise of the future and my human inability to comprehend the power of both unsettled me, I wrestle when the burden of it all gets too much for my fragile human heart to handle. Christ has released me from the prison, the torment, mental suffering, the agony and the mental anguish of my past, but I still struggle to understand the difference. I can feel the presence of familiar strongholds, in my life they were not only based on personal suffering of the academic kind, they were of the highly sensitive kind, they were of the artistic kind, they were rooted to the chaos of a culture blind to the power of life in all its gory, brutal realities, I see too much, sense too much, feel too much and realize too much. I wish that I didn’t know what I know. But I do, and Christ is the only power capable of helping me from such an insane, deep evil at work in the human mind, in the outer fabric, layer, nature and power of reality as it manifests itself in places, people and situations.

Blackness.., blackness possessed the room. I could hear the deep slumbering whimpers of my canine lying next to me. I realized that the Lord had woken me up to pray. I was leaving for a trip, and He always knew how overwhelmed I got in unfamiliar places. He was asking me to pray to Him, He was asking me to rest in Him, to be refreshed in spirit and to talk to Him since He knew how hurt I had been in my last few trips after being ignored, rejected and unpleasantly treated by people. I immediately felt my own confusions stirring, why did I have to ask Him in order to gain it..? Didn’t my Heavenly Father know whatever I wished, required and wanted before I could find words to speak them..? Why did I have to ask Him..? My questions only aroused my deepest confusion, I wouldn’t be able to understand why I felt the way I felt, but I knew that my spiritual man needed to encounter Him. This was my spiritual mind at work, stuff that I can never explain with reason, even though I can if I wish to.

In my nightmare I had encountered a gang of hooligans, who wished to harm me and I had physically assaulted one of them out of self defense. He fell to the floor, bleeding and hurt. In my dream he dies, I immediately run away from that place, alarmed at my act and deeply disturbed by my own viciousness. Prior to this sequence, I had made a friend, and he invites me to a posh, three star restaurant and he has been sacked by that establishment, and I feel protective of him and wish to defend him. I knew that my violent attack in the nightmare was derived from my recent travels.., I had passed through Vellore’s prisons a week ago on route to an all night prayer, and I imagined the evil at work in the cruelty of the system that was godless, perverse and inhuman. I had shuddered at the thought of ending up there, my dream used that fear.., My current ministry also involves that I spread the gospel to the nearby villages that lie in scores all around my town, villages where the demonic Hindutva faction RSS are deeply rooted in. They are well known for using violence as a weapon to assault evangelists and preachers. I naturally feel fearful despite the thick sheet of God’s presence always around me, India is a cruel place for evangelists.., and persecution is a hidden truth.., but that’s the price that one pays for loving Christ.. I find that fear also woven into the nightmare.., I also sense the anger that I had felt in the evening towards a group of young guys at the ground that I played at. Their nature was so proud, haughty, rebellious, self loving and disrespectful.. in a spurt of emotion, I had imagined myself combatting those guys and teaching them some basic manners, this too was present in that dream. Over the past few days, my dreams had elicited fear and danger, these were themes that I was always discerning about in my life, not only as a former prisoner of fear, but as a prisoner of Christ wary of worldly realities that satan wished to preserve at all costs. I felt a spirit of fear at work in that nightmare, but the Lord was speaking more powerfully to me that I was around violent, demonic powers and that I needed to protect myself in His power.

I didn’t need any further prompting. I got off the bed, and opened the door and went to the Hall.

I knew that the city that I was heading to was tremendously difficult to stomach after my powerful experience with the Lord four or so years ago. Four years ago, the city had been my home for the better part of 7 years. In it I had grown up to become the man that I was right now, the city was like my mother.., I learned, grew confident in myself and learned to take charge.. But right now as an artist, writer and evangelist things would be different… I would not only see physical uncleanness, dirt, endless unkind and foul realities.. I would be barraged and assaulted by endless unkind, vile and disrespectful things that would make me sick to my stomach since the Bible is clear that God Himself begins to live within us after we are saved, and the Lord is hurt by a world of unkindness, uncleanness and hate. The thing that would hurt me the most as an evangelist would be the spiritual reality: scores and scores of diverse people groups divided by race, creed, nationality, social standing etc etc walking around having not even the most fundamental knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. The attractiveness of people there would intimidate and confound me, the ease and comfort of people’s confidence would hurt and wound me, the intelligence and ability of people there would make me feel insignificant and useless.. My natural resources dry up the moment I hit its shores. I can only thrive and survive with Jesus power.

Godly power has enabled me to evangelize to most of my former friends in some shape, degree and fashion, all to the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ. I have loads and loads of basketball teammates, friends in petrol bunks, friends working behind the counter of the In and out stores.., watchmen and security guards.., auto drivers, homeless bums, flower sellers, beggars.. In my eyes, much like my Lord, everyone is a friend. I live that out, and I love that it is the way it is. I have always hated limits, rules and boundaries between people. In my life prior to encountering Christ.., I enjoyed conversing with people from different religions, different thinking styles.., I had among my friends.. Homosexuals, transgenders, shady types, bike mechanics, atheists who blasphemed the Lord routinely, Fanatics, people who blatantly did not like me.., but I was intrigued by them even though I have felt hurt on numerous occasions, I still enjoyed their personality, their person and their presence.., I had no thoughts about their sins.., their lifestyle and their mistakes.. In my eyes, I myself struggled with numerous sins, what made me so different from them all..? I still feel the same way.., God has enabled me to love people more powerfully since then.., where I couldn’t comprehend their choices, habits and lifestyle.., as a reformed man of God I can comprehend it.., and I see the staleness that sins create in a human soul. There is no art, no beauty in sin.., it only corrupts, destroys and breaks.., and now I do my best to save, rescue and help people with the living gospel of Jesus Christ which I believe with my life, my full heart and with all my mind.

This is why I love that city so much, it helps me experience people so different from me. I can’t wait to get there despite my natural fears, hesitations and anxieties.

I would like to leave you all finally with a moral from a recent experience that I had with one of my great friends. Part of my personal evangelism ensures that I hang out with tremendously difficult people who have nothing in common with me, but I plunge into camraderie, debate, conversation and endless attempts to win souls over, both to Christ and into a brotherly fellowship with me where I lead them into a deeper knowledge, power and understanding of Jesus Christ. The ending result is that I find myself facing intimidation, heartbreak, I encounter the shallow, nonspiritual nature of men, I encounter tremendous tremendous frustration, embarrassment, shame and awkwardness. I enjoy it deeply despite my well known aversion of any kind of pain. I literally have to stalk and follow people who want nothing to do with me, or with my calling, or with the Lord that I love so dearly in my heart of hearts despite my incredible weaknesses.

After my split from Tv ministry, the Lord paired me up with a friend i’d like to call Captain Wonder, which is his nickname by the way. He and I are worlds apart, but connected both by blood and by faith. He is my brother in Christ and I love him dearly, and affectionately.. But I was having trouble dealing with his way of looking at things recently. I had sent a story of mine that I wanted him to read. I know well how deeply restless his soul is, and how impatient he is, and how being outrageously extroverted is all that he knows. Still I wanted him to know my thoughts, my stories and my soul. I sent him the link to my wordpress account. I had chosen a story that I had written three years ago about a young man in a new city. I had gone through great efforts to send him that link, since finding this particular story meant that I spend half an hour searching through my posts since I have written around 400-500 of them. I also don’t share my works with people, since I know that their insecurity often parades as criticism and insight. Five minutes later, I get a reply from him stating that I used too many commas, full stops and that he couldn’t understand what I meant. Naturally I was hurt, upset and discouraged by his reply, but I wished to overlook it.

A few days passed and then he sent his writings to me. He had had a dramatic encounter at a temple in Thiruvanamalai a few years ago, which is a local religious hotspot for hindu devotees who view it as some sort of mystical shrine of their gods.. Wasting his life around material excess and moral confusion, he felt his soul encounter the truth of Christ in a place as spiritually dead as Thiruvanamalai. That touch had inspired him to walk with Christ, although he was struggling with direction and witness. I went over his written message, I enjoyed its vulnerability, I enjoyed its emotions and I enjoyed its effort. I understood what it meant, I understood also its unspoken emotion. If I had used his same critique about grammar, language and punctuation, his work was a disorderly mess. A casual reader would’ve discarded it the moment he would’ve picked it up. His understanding of the language was as astounding as his complete ignorance of how to use it with power, imagination and conveying a story. His thoughts had no order, it did not have the power to convey what he wished to say, his grammar was as correct as the random order of stuff in a garbage can. His understanding of his profound spiritual insight was as uninspiring as a cold wave of the sea with no color and life… These are observations that speak about the outer nature of things.. Which is the Biblical way.. the Bible points out outer ugliness to correct an inner dysfunction…I did not wish to gloat over my glee at his inability, I was a wounded healer and a preacher who often used both roles to convey scriptural truths. It was not his offensive response to my story that bugged me, it was more than that. I have a fellowship that met regularly on thursdays, where he is an active member. He has supported, provided for and shouldered that ministry from the start. But there were personal attitudes that were very demeaning, controlling, confused and power driven that I wished to help him understand, give him the inspiration to change and draw him closer to Jesus which was my ultimate goal. Working directly with people helps one understand the immense spiritual distance that exists between God and man, and how man often times assumes the greatest things about himself which are often deceptive and untrue.

I called him up and asked him if we could eat outside. He readily agreed. We hit up a local tandoori place and were very soon sinking our teeth into some grilled barbecue chicken, one of the finest in Vellore. I asked him about how things were going, I asked him the condition of his faith and his day. Midway through, in his method of apologizing he opened up about why he couldn’t read it. I asked him if he was ready for a few spiritual insights..? To which he replied that he was. I asked him how he would feel if his hardwork, endless nights of frustration, blood, sweat and tears ended up in a person’s hands and he dismissively cast it aside.. Understanding the response and trying to use familiarity as a way of encountering it, he talked about how he could understand what I was saying, and that he knew why I was saying the stuff that I was saying. Ministry work has helped me see that people often upset by making you feel upset in a way that is very subtle, but avoids an exposition of things that they are rebelling in.

I empathized with his convicting pain, I told him that this was how most of us were like towards the Lord, and that we were so blatantly disrespectful towards Him and His wants but pester and get from Him things that we want. I told my friend that we are all least concerned about the Lord’s feelings but only consumed by our own. I told him as a friend that I myself was an ugly sinner whose good works were like filthy rags, but that Christ enables me serve, love and obey Him. He grew silent, maybe for the first time in decades he learned to see a thing in the eyes of God’s most intense longing for humanity. The Lord makes us to become like Him. He enjoys who we are, but He knows that we can only touch the world if we are like Him.

Friends, I leave you with these stories, personal accounts and discoveries until the next time. God bless you and may you discover the king of Kings and know and understand that He is the ultimate treasure, passion and life worth living for.

The Optimist and the Dreamer – Short fiction

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Some of us live the ordinary life..,While some of us dream and create a world within a world to live in…and that’s okay.., nobody is spared quite really.., none can escape the dreariness of life or her sordid despair.., Hanka was such a girl.., she always did what was asked of her.., she fought through the ugliness of life.., studied hard.., learned to not pay heed to the ugly stares.., learned to escape the tyranny of a toxic realm.. Did things the right way.., Followed God.., lived life with faith.., obeyed in perfection what the Bible mandated.. Hanka was the type of person who went to heaven.., Hanka was the type of person who was promoted for her hard work.. Hanka was the type of person who put food on the table for her kids even if it meant waking up early for twenty years in a row.., Hanka was the type of person who looked out for people.., she did not befriend.., she helped.., managed professional duties with ease.., looked after a family.., She lived by the book.., perfected the system and was fruitful.., blessed and hope filled. For her faith was more than just feeling.., it was something to live upto despite the struggles, the wrestles and the down falls. She knew what faith promised and she walked towards that with unswerving hope. Hanka was an emblem of hope.., She always got through whatever was bothering her.., she conformed because it was right, just and demanded from the Bible. Hanka believed in rules and did not offer grace without believing that the person would someday change. But hanka had a huge heart.., she dealt compassionately with those who were poor.., sick.., hurt and down.., Hanka was just the type of person who believed that doing things the right way meant that it was more loving.., more better and wasn’t it what the Lord desired..? Hanka always spent her money on buying stuff for her family.., she came second.., she loved it more to help others. Hanka was always forgotten.., though she went to great lengths to buy stuff for other people…, to do extravagant things for other people.., she was always treated like she was ordinary.., like the things that she was doing for other people did not change their hearts. But Hanka strived forward.., hurt but bold.., determined to do what had been required of her from the start by a mysterious God who was everywhere but appeared like he was nowhere to be found.

Saul was the type of person who wondered whose side God was on in a personal conflict. Saul was the type of person who stayed awake in order to feel inspiration.., Saul was the type of person who stayed awake because he wished to be closer to his inner voice.., to what he could remember of his deepest and most soulful longings.. Saul was the type of person who felt that the sky was an imitation of inner feelings.., Saul was the type of person who struggled with apologies since he did not wish a repeat of what had been done.., Saul was the kind who deeply understood the horrendous unpleasantness of everything.., he knew that people were homeless.., he knew that the girls who had left boyfriends married somebody different and ended up becoming more happy.., Saul also knew that he could not change anything.., He could never change people’s evil that resided deep in their hearts and cunningly deceived them much like the Serpent at Eden’s Garden.., he knew that people were always going to be poor.., he knew that chickens would be slaughtered for meat.., he knew that girls would be trafficked for prostitution.., he knew that animals in the jungle would be killed.., he knew that some were going to be abused.., raped.., molested.., hurt.., wounded.., bullied.., murdered…, hated for the color of their skin.., he knew that people were guilty of not being courageous enough to challenge the norms and moods of their time.., whatever the times were defined by people imitated and reflected.., he knew that people from the slums could never escape the cruelty of their upbringing.., he knew that people would be discriminated.. he knew these things because he could see deep into the heart of the world and see it’s lost state.., He was not just a dreamer.., he dreamt of better living conditions for everybody.., he dreamt of a world without poverty.., he dreamt of a world without hell.., He dreamt of a world without sin.., He dreamt of a world filled with meaning.., but sometimes Saul dreamt of other things.. of darkness.., He dreamt of never existing.., He dreamt sometimes of being the only conscious person in a world filled with robots.., He sometimes looked at himself in a mirror that he had a face.., a body and that people outside judged him based on how he spoke, acted and interacted with that body. Saul was the kind of person who had been hurt by love but still believed in it and attempted to control it because he did not wish to appear sappy, emotional and delusional. Saul had a soft soul.., he struggled to accept the blessings of his life because others seemed more vulnerable to the world’s beatings. Saul struggled to live.., he struggled to obey God.., He struggled to believe because each day he felt the attack of a world intent on breaking him apart.., Saul struggled with lust.., with greed.., with pride.., he struggled to commit fully to the Bible since sometimes he felt that it made a person too righteous that they forgot their weakness that made them love more deeply. Saul knew in his heart that the Bible was true.., he knew it with absolute conviction.., but he had never been a lover of rules.., he wanted to discover what made life tick.., setting the rules would mean that life became dull, uninspiring and too stable.., he wished to live in the way that he wanted to.., He wanted to be in control of his life. He was a free-spirit and he enjoyed freedom.

Saul did not look at things as right and wrong.., he did not appreciate the power of being right all the time since he believed in empathy more than righteousness which was a controversial stance to take since his views and opinions were laughed at and mocked by the religious of his day. Saul also believed that nobody would catch him if he were to fall.., he knew that nobody was running behind him.., nobody would desire him and if they did.. the moment they understood him they would leave.. Saul understood too that his own inner need to prove things to people sometimes broke and he succumbed to what made life easier since he couldn’t bear the pain of loneliness and also did not wish to bring pain to himself that others would talk about. Saul did not like it when anybody told him what to do.., because he believed that they didn’t understand what he was feeling on the inside., Saul was led by an intense spirit within himself, he did not like to discover weaknesses within himself.. they made him feel dejected, wounded and sad.., he wished to burst forward like a sparkling meteor on a black, silken night. Saul felt hurt that life had expectations on him.., that he would be audited for what he had done in his life.., and he couldn’t ever talk himself out of it.., No …Saul felt trapped in a world where everything was fixed in stone and he was stuck in it.

The Artist within – A few thoughts

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I’m an artist… I repeat that word to myself constantly because I often feel the other way about it. You know , like maybe.. ‘I am not all that I proclaim myself to be’… type, My shyness like the striped butterflies that I obsessively chronicle and observe is self content and blissfully oblivious of the outside world… But as endearing as it is to feel that way it can get in the way of my assertiveness or lack thereof in plenty of social circumstances… , Password – Humble.. Code word accepted… Beast Mode activated.

I have this syndrome where I have multiple notepad documents open whenever I am typing out some grandiose though of mine that craves my artistic emotions. I write multiple stories sometimes, I get crazy and write off of instincts… I would be in a desperate infatuation oriented romedy in one place, and in the other I would be ranting about how Godfather’s director did no justice to the characters in the novel…, Except of course for the Characters of Vito Corleone, Sonny Corleone and Tom Hagen, now their acting and character inhabitation was tight… not to mention grand, delightful, imitation worthy and memorable. I wonder how they can act as people so different from their real life characters, actors do all kinds of things on stage and I often create a complex understanding of how they can go about doing such things and feats. Maybe there is a method to the madness, maybe it’s something that they learnt in acting school or maybe it is just the expression of a God given talent… Which creates my next fabulous question.., Why does my Favorite Supernatural Being gift individuals with talents to entertain that seems to attract them to the great Sodom and Babylon of this Millenium…? How come they tend to land up in Satanic worshipping, Glamor oozing, Free spirit engaging leading straight upto Hell’s finest Mansions – Hollyweird.. I’m sorry I meant Hollywood is something I will never now.. Welcome folks to Hollywood- The Greatest Entertainment show on Earth, Payment Needed.. Pay with your soul and please deposit your former and current moral ethics at the entrance please.. Now feel free to sell your soul to the Devil as he uses you to perform things that you promised you would never do, and do roles that you thought you would never enroll yourself in…! You still got hope.. , Yeah.. I know you routinely mock and scorn at Him and use Him as a cuss word in your glorious works of lies.. But His name is Jesus.. just call Him won’t ya.. when you’re not mimicking grand dialogues about self expression and discovering your hidden self.. Call Him when your ex who promised you that he would love you forever dumped you for somebody younger.., Call Him when your addicted to those shiny pills that made you forget the madness of Show business… You still got hope.

Great talents only create a more fonder love and affection within me for their Creator…, What a maddening, mystical and inscrutable Supernatural being my Heavenly Father is most of the times. I still have no earthly measure for the complex creativity prowess of the Universe’s Absolutely Greatest Artist… Yes, I mean God. What possessed the heart of the Universe to Create terrifying, tummy crawling Pythons who inspire only horror and terror.. and also create beautiful, winding rivers that cascade off as they plunge below hundreds of metres into an underlying pool of fresh water… It’s funny how water seems to always flow, seeking paths always…, Nature is so profoundly artistic and deep that I find myself always joyful and upbeat that there are still things that don’t destroy hope, sanity and mental wellbeing. I am thankful for it everyday and that’s why I try to sneak to my Garden or to the lonely Garden behind my Old Office and spend a few moments in solitude and get my deepest, inner nature into silence.. I drop a drop of prayer into the still lake and feel the ripples, the pages of my soul opened.. My true animal awakens and strolls outside of the cave.. Far away from my Masks, My Hectic life and My Restlessness… I need it desperately and deeply.

I have an intense urge to create, I often create complex stories from a single reaction. It’s like the words, the characters and the dialogues were in there all along, and all that it needed was this tiny, tender little spark and wala, out pours this magnificent piece of literary imagining that gives me the impression that it really, truly happened. I can’t still grasp much of the fine sensations of the human mind… , I find the human mind, the soul, the spirit and the heart fascinating topics and resources of study… I am always poking myself, trying to gain new insights about my inner philosophies and trying to plunge into the depths of my psyche…, The inner world, and the way in which it rearranges and deals with specific inputs is like a torch in the deepest caverns, I enjoy reliving my competitive moments where I bled, sweat and played with ferocity are replayed with narcissistic joy and I enjoy my own heroic glory… I promise to create more of such moments… I want to test myself more, challenge myself more… To see if I am capable of doing what seems so confidence draining, fear inducing and terror inspiring. I am an artist because I find art in life, I find art in relationships, I find art in the tragedies that happen to me.. Be it an unreturned affection from someone that I may have pined away for centuries, or be it a grumpy, bitter and intense conflict over something as stupid as a loose comment… I am alive in the deepest parts of me, I may not always recognize what I see in my heart or in my mind, or put a word to certain feelings that defy my vocabulary… but I am in love with the beauty of my life.. With my thoughts, with my faith and how it soars in the spiritual dimensions opened by God’s willing joy… I find more ground in being an artist now chiefly because of who I am in Christ… Alive by being soaked in the rivers of Jesus and having the joy to unravel what that means in my current life and geographical location- I am a citizen of the world in Christ – I am one of His Ambassadors, Free from who I always feared I could never be.., I am fine with who I am, of where I have ended up, and fine with what I have been given and asked to take care of.. I am not afraid anymore of getting people to accept, love or want me…I am cool with whatever they choose to give.. If it is blunt, rude, angry and bitter, misguided rage… I am okay with it.. I am here to listen.. to understand.. or if it tends to wound my spirit.. change, adapt, evolve and use it to guide me to a higher level of consciousness…, If it is not feeling the same intense way that I tend to feel when I impulsively jump into something that I may have the pleasure of encountering for a few fractions of a second…, I have come to accept that.. It is okay..It has helped me in my growth as an Artist who writes.., who observes, enjoys and delights in whatever God has allowed for that day… I try to find contentment with whatever little I have. The Simple life, with my love for gardens, lonely abandoned places lush with trees and understanding with Patience the words of the Bible… and Praying into levels, depths and dimensions that I have never experienced are more than I can ask for… This is me right now.. Dear Future me.. This temporary contentment will change in a minute, the world of the mind does not thrive on order, but on chaos and in creating an artifical reflection of the senselessness and hopelessness of this world in one’s soul, heart, mind and thoughts… But, I am a Fighter… A Warrior who kneels and a Watchman of my flock… I am alive and well.. Until Next Time.

Trouble

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Have you ever felt the cutting sting of misery..? Or felt this persistent harassment of something unseen…? Have you ever felt troubled by something right from the moment that you woke up…? Have you ever lost faith in the Lord and started to wish for a much easier path…?

I have been feeling all of these things over the past few days. No matter the depth of the previous day’s spiritual connection, each day feels like the first day of my faith and I find myself becoming spiritually affected as each day progresses. There are spiritual hurdles in the Christian life that never stop. Satan wishes to drain us emotionally and spiritually, in order for us to lose hope in God and Jesus Christ. There have been days when my cross seems to crush me, the most difficult part of the entire process is that almost all of it is mental. I find myself struggling to find the right words to describe in accuracy the details of whatever it is that I am experiencing, it is so subtle, so invisible, so unpredictable yet familiar that I find myself hurting more from perceived abandonment than from the grief itself, I find myself feeling an everpresent pressure and tension that is constantly .  I find my solid ground disappearing as I find in my personal life I am afflicted by terrible fears that I struggle to overcome. Bits of my recent failure in a public speech haunt me, bits of
nagging hurt over a friend’s comments still remind me every now and then that my passion for a sport is of no use in his high and mighty pharisiaical eyes, reminders of a young kid’s stubborn disrespectful rebelliousness aggravate the idealist within me, struggles of a writer caught up in a aesthetically dry yet spiritually fulfilling career exhausts me, reminders of all the horrific mistakes of my past tell me that I have no right to ever be happy. And on top of that a senior work colleague of mine, recently commented that the only reason I was able to help people was because of my degree in Psychology and not because it’s God’s calling for my life. I sometimes seethe with broken fury for the words uttered without careful thought and understanding. But I can’t have hard feelings about it, nobody is as understanding as the Lord is, in all my years I have rarely come across someone who wishes to listen and understand before talking. These are things that I can handle, the problem is that I feel as though God has to be sought all the time and that angers me on a deep level. I feel like I am doing my best to stick out for Him, and yet He does not speak to me like I wish for Him to. I know that in my heart of hearts that I am being very childish, but can’t a spiritual infant desire the physical presence of His spiritual Father…?

For the past few days I have had loads of people coming to me for spiritual guidance.  These are people who are willing to give up, on the surface they appear normal but in their deep heart they have had enough. I feel their despair deeply, and my heart weeps for the burdens that they have to carry.  I feel like I am crying for people whose tears have stopped and they carry on in hopeless anguish. I know that I have to more communicate warmth and understanding to the people that the Lord sends my than choosing to appear like a wise know it all.

In my own heart there are the usual voices of condemnation that are all set to make me lose faith and courage. I sometimes feel terribly insecure during the counseling process. Do I have all the answers…? What gives me the right to boldly ask people to share their problems with me..? What do I do if I don’t know the answers…? What do I do if I can’t understand what people are troubled by..? Since when have I ever been really good at anything…? But like the rose that broke past the concrete…  I know in my heart that I know, feel and grasp what they are going through in some deep, unknown way…  I just don’t believe that I am good at anything.. Ever.

But I gain hope … I can see past masks and barren plains… This is my calling…  I’m the Lord’s helper.. His humble servant…  I am here to serve Him… To serve others…  And to lean, depend upon and love Him… So I guess that I don’t have answers… But I have ny heart and passion…  I guess that in the end that is what should really matter.. Those are the only things that the Lord asks for! 

Miracle – A short Poem

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Tears fall down,
All is lost,
the plight alone is alive,
anguish, angst, hurt, pain.

I heave myself to pray,
to talk to God as though He won’t feel my pain,
I hate feeling judged, insecure and raw,
I am not good when I am vulnerable, I hide what hurts.

But lo, in the act of Prayer,
I am held secure,
invisible arms enclose around me,
my pain is gone,
my burdens are light,
I feel loved, embraced and accepted.

The days go by,
reality with its cause-less nature enters me,
my life with its constant call for war confuses me,
I am seduced by what is wrong for me,
I grow near to the life that I can build on such fantasies, but find myself growing far from God.

Meanwhile my heartfelt prayer has pierced the skies,
God is omnipotent, omniscient, Powerful, A Divine Monarch, A Compassionate King,
My call and cry for mercy has entered the throne,
The Angels assemble and stand still,
The Lord hears humanity’s cries,
He assesses the heart of all men.
The hearts of men are laid bare to Him,
no one can lie or fool Him.

In that place Men are stripped of their clever and cunning defenses,
Men are removed of their scruples and are seen for who they are.
Their choices and the nature of their heart.
God hears my cry and assigns an Angel to deliver a reply.
He ponders my heart, He knows me, He loves me.
He cares for me because I don’t care for my own life,
He gives me another precious chance.

The Angel departs from that blessed place on high,
he enters the lowly plains.
Men’s misery is stagnant , evil strongholds unseen by mere men and their follies that are presumed to be intelligence.
Spirits of evil lurk about, unwilling to allow truth and God’s help enter without fierce and a bloody fight.
Why can’t men acknowledge that they need God…? He sighs
How desperate was His Holy and Powerful Master to help these unfaithful ones that He so loved…?
If only they knew… he sighed, if only they knew…!

The Angel neared my house,
he sees my life. He must inform his troops that I needed a lot more help.
But he sighed, I should lean more on God , I was not doing that quite often.
The pains of losing touch were way too high and fatal.
He sees God’s touch and he sees the opposing force,
desperate to crush that little glimpse of absolute truth.
He remedies the wrong, and my eyes come out of my skull.
My skull is filled with notions, impressions, thoughts, unnecessary wishes and means of absorbing information,
objectively caught up in a life where I am forced to live and feed myself.
I see a divine touch and despite the gigantic mountains of doubt, hopelessness and painful misery,
my heart is comforted, and deeply moved.
I kneel down in prayer and my heart freed of its mental and human dilemmas rises up and communes with the great Spirit behind the Universe.

How considerate of Him to remember my desperate plea, I think in a deep gratefulness.
a demon, meanwhile alerted, rises up and scoffs in his own voice,
‘ But what about the time that your dog died..? Remember how he had to suffer…?’
I should not think about such things, that is not faith, I talked to myself.
But my heart felt pain… My dog died a terrible death.. Why didn’t the Lord hear her pain…?
But still the beauty of an answered prayer embraced me, God be praised.. I whispered to the Universe.
Another demon arose, ‘Remember… Have you gotten rid of that filthy habit of yours…? ‘
I haven’t… I said to myself, deeply defeated and dejected, I was ruled by that habit.
How can I thank God for this… I was unworthy… He should find someone better than me for such gifts.

But still the answered prayer lingered on like a solid flame,
warming the heart and the spirit,
the spirit meanwhile searched the scriptures,
and offered confirmations that all men were sinful and that God loved them despite it all.

But I looked at my life ,
How vast and unfortunate it all seemed.
How could I survive…?
What if by one mistake I ended up in Hell…?
A place of eternal torment …? Burned by flames that never died…?
But hope whispered, your life is not done yet.., look at those whose life has gone,
God still wants you with Him, look unto Him,
forget everything else.

But how can I forget I wonder,
again sneaking back into my own heart,
a force that I have never controlled or commanded.
I was cutting off my ties with Godly means, and sinking into a state of inexplicable misery.

The Miracle was behind me now,
assigned to a place of crushed dreams, hurtful memories and unanswered doubts,
and these defeated and cruel forces they worked on my Miracle,
Subjecting it to the venom that is apathy and indifference.
The Miracle was being sapped of its power to heal,
and instead being broken to suit my own means of thinking.
God had His wisdom for allowing things to happen, I suddenly reminded myself.
I had to trust His will… Not everything is good. I reminded myself.
Slowly the schizophrenic nature of reality entered in,
dissociating everything with confusion.
The insensitivity that I gained from sin entered in, creating a daze, numbing my spirit.
Cruelly separating it from the life that the spirit renewed by God could offer.
The harsh discipline that I inflicted on myself in order to not hope entered in and trampled my own mind’s wishes and made it a stale subject.
Look out of your window, look at the lifeless buildings,
look the roads… where men drive without any reason,
or read the newspapers… that are rampant with unnecessary information… How can hope overcome them all..?
How…?

But the Miracle had in its core,
the Power of God.
Answered prayer can defeat all foes,
and so it suddenly exploded and broke through my own laws and the laws of the world.
And I knelt down, with tears and a renewed heart.
You were right Lord, YOU WERE RIGHT..!
Help me Trust you.. Help me Trust you Please..!