First hit… Memories of shame

Standard

I am always trying to ponder inner realities that exist within me. Coming to terms with what they are conveying.., I perhaps to write to understand what I feel so powerfully within me.., I write to share my side of the fence.., I write to live.., I write because I am in love with words, stories, prose, beauty, literature and secrets and feel compelled to treasure this gift of gab. I believe that a writer is someone whose soul can see past the nature of make believe outer reality, and into the real heart of things.

I can’t understand what is happening in my heart.., but I feel a tremendous heaviness on it right now. My Father and I had had our usual Saturday night conversation.., the topics varied from England dropping out of the EU to my sermon that I had just finished delivering in the church opposite to our house. He highlighted things in my sermon that were hard to take.., it was the usual criticism.., ‘repetitions, unwanted honesty, forgetfulness…’ etc.., I had to listen to my parents and their observations since they were just as sensitive as me when it comes to not realizing the brevity and reality of things. All my happiness and joy at battling intense inner fear, nervous anxiety, strain etc and then standing before young people who were so cynical, dismissive and attempted to mockingly laugh and smile at your face and delivering a message fizzled away as I listened to what he was saying.., He could be really persistent when he wished to convey truths about my sermon that I could never see…, Call me insane but.., I don’t understand criticism because I deal with my own inner insecurity.., and to heave a dose of observation right after a tremendous test was quite horrifying to me…I sometimes wish people listened with their heart and not with their mind.., but he is my dad and I love him in ways that I can’t even comprehend.., he has done so much for me.., and struggles with a burden so big.., for my sake…, I can’t help but listen to my hero…but I have to remind myself to sit alone with my Lord.., perhaps I can climb above the slab of the upper floor and be alone.., and pour my heart, my tears and my feelings to Him who truly cares…, maybe I can become sane again.

I’ve discovered that most of us are expert talkers.., but few can look beneath the layers and words and understand the heart.., and find the selflessness to love back courageously and look past our own scars, wounds and weaknesses…, True Love seems to be too easy to long for and so hard to find. I am no longer content with human love.., I demand, desire and hunger for a love that can conquer.., accept me at my absolute worst and encounter me at my most insane and still love me fiercely, ferociously and insanely.., So far I can only count Jesus in that list.., nobody else comes even close.., perhaps my parents, sis and doggy can be added after a billion kilometers.., but then again God gave them to me.., and they ask me to love God more than them.., maybe I could place them after a million kms since for the first 25 years or so they were the only reflection of God that I could see, feel and enjoy and they were incredible, amazing and otherworldly at it. I’m blessed and thankful always.

I remember not so long ago when I bumped into an old acquaintance of mine. He had been a mentor to me in my past.., but a hard, no compassion showing dictator who was relentless in his handling of me.., I was chastised often.., rebuked often.., told to study hard.., and it always felt like his methods were too extreme.., too hard and too painful for a hyper sensitive, dreamer in love with his imagination such as myself… and I could clearly see that I was nothing like him… He had built up his own empire from scratch.., he started one of the most powerful ministries during the 90’s and had been responsible for a wave of revival that had hit Vellore during that time.., all of a sudden there was a surge of meetings, revival meetings, youth meetings, Godly sightings.., Angelic Sightings.., curing of terminal illnesses such as Cancer, Aids, Tumors etc… God had touched the sun scorched soil of Vellore in centuries.., and my Ex Mentor had been in the thick of things.., He was a disciplinarian, who was a hardcore perfectionist… He had a soft side to him and I could see it work on certain people.., but he was above the pack and was always leading the charge and taking all hostages with him.

Growing up I had always struggled with feelings that I could never be good at anything. I saw people naturally blooming all around me.., and I was never good at anything…, I struggled with insecurity.., inferiority and shame.., I always dreamt of killing myself in my early years.

I was his polar opposite, ie of my Imperfect Mentor.., I was a free spirit, but I could feel too powerfully the pain of a hurting, broken world.., I was deeply hurt at the plight of the street dogs whose stomachs had shrunk and the bones of their rib cage showed real clearly.., I felt pained when I saw people throwing stones at their feet, I was hurt by the fact that dogs and human beings had to search in the trash for food…, I was hurt by how some people never had the freedoms and privileges that I enjoyed.., my heart was always reaching out to the lonely, the hurt and the broken… I disliked the life that everybody led, I wanted to live a life that I enjoyed.. the childhood version of it was to live on an island away from people and that island would have libraries, food for eternity and a world class view of the stars that I would see every single night.., I enjoyed freedom, I loved being free.., I did not like to be tied down, I always dreamt of freedom the more I found myself in systems.., I enjoyed sports.., and I had a hunger in my soul to reach for the stars.. I dreamt all day long of fame.., of fortune and of beautiful stories that I could imagine, and maybe create someday.

After the initial years of growing up next to him, my parents decided that I would do a year in my Dad’s Alma Mater – MCC.., up and until that moment I felt trapped in Vellore.., Vellore was too raw and primal.., there wasn’t class, refinement, integrity or friendliness here…, I felt nothing but inner torment, anguish and boredom in my early years.., School was a bore.., I struggled to cope up…, I was detained after classes all the time.., or I had to cross paths with stronger, more assertive seniors who used me to beef up their own credentials.., I was either a punching bag or a source of teasing and scorn.., My skin color was highlighted which made me feel ugly, unwanted and awkward.., I was never accepted by my peers for some strange reason.., most of them were the sons and daughters of either rich industrialists or doctors.., I guess I was not their type.., I felt unwanted by them .. My teachers did not exactly convey any feelings of me being embraced or celebrated either…, You remember what people don’t say to you and what people can’t see in you.., I still do to this day.., I remember feeling like I was of no use to this world and I dreamt often of death and suicide… I was an invisible person who had to live like I was different.., like I was not special and like I was of a lower species…, My language speaking skills would be highlighted often.., or my grades would be brought up.., Nobody worried for me.., they were just shoving my lack of interest in academia into my face and telling me that I was useless. The hardest part of it was to feel shame for the sake of my parents.., who I could see were such kind, gentle souls and here I was shoving a brutal reality pill into their faces because of my sensitive soul… They had worked hard to get to where they were.., my Dad had undergone tremendous trials.., losing both his parents.. moving here and there.., taking care of his sisters…, struggling to come up in his own life, and my mother came from a very poverty stricken family and had studied hard to reach the management ranks of the most prestigious hospitals in our town… I had let them down.., here they were working so hard under really hard circumstances to make something of me, and here I was just wasting it all away.., I was never considered for anything or thought to be anything.., I loved sports.., but nobody took a special interest in me.., or thought that I could amount to much.., Growing up I so badly wanted somebody to believe in me and push me in fields that I was interested in.., but sadly I had none.

Such experiences with the unkind, non grace offering parts of life made me really hunger and long for love, for empathy.., for being understood despite what was going on on the surface.., I wanted people to feel sorrow for me.., but I was confused since I saw people from even lower places than me survive, fight and live.., this further made me despise myself and made me close my mouth. I did not want to talk it out to somebody and listen to them talk about things on the surface.. Nobody had the power to perceive the depths of me.. No one.. Unless I talked about it.., and when I did.., it did not impact them in the level that it impacted me.., my inner struggles helped me listen deeply to other warriors dealing with a cruel cruel life.., late on in my life.., my wounds, scars and inner demons created an artist…, created a resource so deep for my craft.., but the same feelings that I heard in my earlier years would trickle into my heart after any accomplishment.., ‘This is not good enough..’, ‘ Is this the best that you can give..?’…, ‘ Look at him/her they seem to do it in a way that feels easier than you..’.., ‘ This felt easy.., you’ve not been really challenged yet..’.., ‘ You call this writing..? A 8 year old with no understanding can write better stuff than what you just did…’ …, and so on and so forth.

When we had moved into the colony that we are staying at right now, he was the only person who was caring enough to welcome us and to also help us ingratiate ourselves to the culture of the small island of Christian only homes that stretched down two parallel streets. He was so kind.., and took such genuine efforts to include us and make us feel welcome…, but I remember the initial awkwardness of it all.., I remember my neighbors treat my mother with disrespect as she attempted friendly conversations with them.. I could not see it in their faces but I got a hint of it in my heart.., I was offended that they could respond to my mother’s genuine smile with a calculated one, how inconsiderate were they that they offered hate for love..? And I was never wrong about them.., all those highly rude individuals always seemed to find newer ways to establish their supremacy in our lives, their facial coldness seldom seemed to still.., they were always wound up, always ready to attack and always eager to express their imaginary dominance… and I am a really objective guy.., but I have always abstained from those who don’t welcome… I believe that it all comes down to early experiences. I have always struggled with being rejected.., I still do.., now I am a tough nut to crack.., but my heart is too soft. I am like my mom.., dedicated, personal and intense.., I used to alienate myself and rebel to gain strength briefly but I comply, conform and humble myself for the sake of the gospel these days, and the friendship of my Lord has really helped me forget those initial difficulties.

Nothing special seemed to happen to me.., nobody wanted to talk to me.., nobody seemed excited to be my friend.., nobody could really see me.., I understand it all now.., but the heart of a guy who knows and desires love but finds emptiness.., egoism and hostility can be hurt eternally. I did not get any love letters.., I was not anybody’s best friend.., I was hurt by the lack of interest.. by the indifference.. by the unkindness and chiefly by the inability to perceive one as being important, necessary, needed etc hurt me. But I guess those initial years and the senses that I absorbed have made me the person that I am today.., have helped me take on the cross for Christ’s sake.., and have created in me a hunger to find people who suffer the same silence that I did.., and perhaps lead them with the help of the Holy Spirit to the Lord Himself.

I don’t know who ends up reading this.., but I will beckon you to attempt to make the world a better place than the way you found it. I implore you to know Jesus as your personal Savior since the world can overwhelm, destroy and kill your good intentions.., but Christ can help you with His strength and power and lead you to work for the Kingdom of God.., and believe me the benefits are out of this world.

Advertisements

Letters and Poems to God – Lamentations

Standard

I get hints every now and then in my heart,
Painful reactions to something written, said or given.
I wonder why I feel that way,
is there truth to what I feel…?
How can I know I’m ever right,
I am led by the Bible and not by my feelings,
I refuse to allow intuitions, instincts and reactions to
guide me without subjecting them to tests,
I try to be decisive, firm and sound,
But I still find myself flexible, open and willing.
My well of empathy runs deep despite my
own harsh judgments,
I do find myself getting angry with individuals,
I see myself judging them by their actions,
I find myself avoiding people because of their
inner contents, I know it intuitively often..,
but I can’t stand the fact that an absolute will has
to shape and sharpen all of our actions…
Why can’t I just be free without the consequences..?
Why should I be constantly aware, awakened and cautious
about what I speak, think, do and engage in..?
I understand that evil in this time is hidden, one can completely be
caught up in sin and not know much truth to help him flee it.
I sometimes wish that there wasn’t a heaven or a hell,
I hate to know that billions of souls are going to Hell’s eternal torments,
I myself think that I am going to land up there,
Faith and religion seems to demand perfection,
I am not sure if I want such a life…,
It feels tremendously challenging and hard…,
I can’t be caught up in all of this..,
My spirit is fettered and my heart is pained by
all this insidious madness.

I guess it’s not how I would deal with things,
I can’t understand the harsh nature of people,
I understand their intentions, but I still wish things weren’t so black and white.
I guess I am soft, I don’t need toughening up..,
I’ve already by passed all of that to reach where I am
at right now..,
I am willing to accept that I need guidance, compassion
and often times correction.
I hate feeling like I am always in need of correction and change,
I despise the terrible inward pain, I wish I could stop my lustful sinning,
But I can’t seem to stop.., Help me.. , I need a miracle to make me stop.

But I can’t seem to take it in stride,
I bristle, react, defend or counter testify.
It seems very evil to constantly be checked and condemned of
inward attitudes that are against Godly standards,
I can’t start a revolution or rebel against the system..,
this is all there is.. There are no other options,
I hate Christians who warn, condemn me with slogans and judge me with Bible verses… I understand their intentions, but I still wish that things weren’t so hard..,
I am very weak when it comes to being confronted with sinfulness,
I hurt in ways that one can’t ever imagine,
I do my best to stay away, to kill those urges,
but I realize that sin is very much a part of who I am.
I am not just a sinner, in this world, I am the sin
that is causing all the disorders.
I guess that I am more interested in being a human than in
wanting to think of eternal choices,
I need God despite all of this madness,
I hate sin, but still I love it,
I hate myself, but I still enjoy the life that I am given,
I can’t do all of this alone, I will accept the fact that maybe,
I don’t know all that there is to life,
I just need some help with this sin,
please stop telling me about my act and my failure,
Lift me up and heal me of my own inner burning fire,
Please Lord, I need You even though i’m pretty sure
I am against everything that you ever ask of me…,
I’m sorry I feel this way.. I guess I just need you to help
me understand things from your eyes and ways,
I feel more for my humans despite the fact that they
ignore me everyday, hate me, kill me, murder me and
reject me…, I don’t presume that I feel more than You Father.. ,
I am just telling you that I feel protective of everyone down here,
Are we just burning materials or sons and daughters with Freewills and Independence…?

I can’t stand this infuriating mess Lord,
I am a wreck when you leave,
I don’t run to You because satan crushes, oppresses and defeats me with ease,
I don’t know why I love You, I am confused,
I am scared too, of You especially,
and of Hell too.., I couldn’t stand a burn in my finger,
I can only look forward to my eternal torture.
The more I want things to be done in my way,
the more I feel tired, dejected and pained,
it’s like choosing me is not choosing You..,
It’s like there is no inbetween,
and You stand by me without telling me anything,
I’d like a word from You every now and then,
like how about every single day..? Every single minute..?
I’d like your thoughts when I am indecisive, anguished and lurking around sin,
I’d like your thoughts when I am confused, hurt and broken,
I’d at the very least like you to reach me when I find it hard, impossible and difficult to reach out to You…,
I don’t need much Lord, I just need a light touch,
I can carry my burdens, I can face a million rejections from girls that I’ve spent years day dreaming about, I know that I will be destroyed and humiliated,
Ill probably ponder my death,
but all of that is irrelevant, I just need a little loving from You in the ways that I want to every now and then… I mean, I know You send millions of blessings everyday…, I am grateful for them, even though I feel that I am just another ungrateful wretch who takes advantage of your Grace.
Just yesterday, You saved me from being run over by a speeding car, Again.
You helped me love some unlovable, unlovely and ordinary friends,
You fed me, nourished me, gave a roof over my head,
I don’t know Lord… I just need more of You.. A lot more,
I can’t just enjoy all of this rebuking, confronting and reacting.
I want to be connected to You..,
To your depths, to your infinite glory,
I don’t know why I need you so intensely Lord.. I just do..,
I promise You that I don’t have any agendas, You’ll know it within an instant,
I don’t want to constantly be judging people for their sexual preferences,
Like most of your other servants, I know their intentions are honorable,
I just feel more hate than love in their sentiments, doctrines and messages.
Can I see the evil and dubious deception in such a world influenced stance, Yes.. But am I evil..? My Yes is far more dangerous than theirs will ever be,
I am on the road to Hell too aren’t I..?
Why on earth am I even worried about them..?
When I am trembling and having nightmares every other day about my own eternal destiny..?
I don’t know what to do Lord… I really really don’t.
I hate my job, the attitudes of people around me,
I hate it that the sad street dogs don’t have homes,
I hate it that people are so rude, self consumed and proud,
I hate it that this world is a mess,
I hate it that children are raped, that women don’t get equal rights,
that gays are not loved..,
I hate the fact that I am such a self destructive time bomb,
I hate the fact that I can never seem to satisfy You,
I hate the fact that I can’t do what I WANT..,
I hate the fact that I can’t play basketball all day long,
that I can’t write for hours on end, that I can’t read books
all day.., I hate it all…, I feel trapped, doomed and deeply insecure,
I am not obsessed with blessings, anointings or platforms either,
I just don’t know what I want sometimes,
even though my words reveal more clarity than what I feel.
Help me….!

Late night thoughts on Faith- A few observations ( I’m going to be late for work tomorrow.. Yikes)

Standard

What do I do with the supposedly evil portions of the Bible..? ( GOD is not evil.. but His acts of Justice violent as they be seem too difficult to grasp) How can I just accept the shedding of blood of innocent animals that served to hide the serious sinfulness of early men and women..? Am I getting a glimpse into the deeply sensitive nature of a Holy God who upon seeing the blood of an innocent animal being shed subdues His own fearsome wrath and forgives graciously large, difficult sins..? Or am I seeing a tyrant who delighted in the mindless slaughter of endless animals as most other pagan religions practised, required and demanded…? I can’t quite make up my mind.. I have run away from this passage and perplexity often.. I can’t seem to shake away the need for such an action from my limited, fallen and human perspective.. with my need for sinfulness to relax and recoup from the stresses of being made perfect in Faith.. I must accept that I don’t have the theological know hows as to why God would ask Joshua to kill entire cities, countries and inhabitations without the slightest emotion or remorse, I can’t understand the book of lamentations and I confess to have trouble with the passages where God asks Fathers to stone their daughter who sin, I can’t understand the violent demand for such an act. But I am looking at it from my perspective.., Not from the perspective of a Perfect Supernatural being.. whose every demand contains a will that covers the future and the present…But I can sense a deeper side to the story, a part that like a noble parent whose suffering is hid is reflected…, I see all of the Lord’s acts as His own wishes… I love Him even though I don’t agree with Him, but I know that He has the power and the love to make right choices that despite their impact lead to a greater glory, a greater good and greater benefit…. I once saw the writings of Paul as indigestable bitter pills, I now can see beyond their surface and understand the power and the cry of the Holy spirit to refrain from sin which captures, imprisons, torments and then assassinates. I can understand therefore the severity of the language. I despised the fact that the Lord chose the Jews as His favored race… but I understand now after a prolonged research that He wanted to redeem the world through them.., I understand because even when I pick a team of people… I almost always gravitate towards those who are weak, unpickable and lack natural talent.

I much prefer a personal time alone with the Lord, where I can bask within Him and find love for all my unheard cries, comfort for all my wounds with an unjust, brutal and hopeless culture and civilization and remedy for my sicknesses, fears and trials. I enjoy discovering Him throughout the dull narratives of Old testament texts which in my opinion are often un-spectacular. Not because of the Lord, but because of the lack of life in the historical texts. But reading them fills my spirit which is another unfathomable complexity. I view faith with wonder and awe, more than finding it as a rigorous self exacting discipline that makes the spirit the seat of control and not the soul. I have trouble listening to Pastors who preach Biblically , mostly because I would rather have someone explain it to me with Grace than warning me with severity. I know that my wants and demands are often done to protect my own feelings which do not like being confronted with truth and the reminders of a dire awaiting doom. I have the patience to understand myself, people from the outside take scalpels and do damage often with well intentioned sermons that bruise and wound more than heal, restore and redeem. But I know that I have to humble myself and take a good sound beating every once in a while to correct my Public persona for the sake of the Christian brethren.

I must confess that I often feel content in my state of imperfection…. Striving towards Godliness seems to imply a sensational and powerful inward wrestle…. A shocking inward battleground, far removed from prying human eyes where I have to constantly subdue my sinfulness and act upon my Christfulness.

I identify this as some repressed gleam of being driven towards those habits and acts that I have since abandoned since I took up a Cross and began to follow Christ. So many have fallen from this walk.., and I hear sincere minded preachers often speaking in severity about the fallen, and I get it.. the consequences of a life not lived for Christ leads straight to the fiery pits of Hell…, Hell is the ultimate soul killer, the final resting place for the damned, the condemned and the guilty… God throws men who have rejected Him into Hell… , and these sinners are tormented forever and ever… Their cries go up day and night.. and there will be no rest for them. I feel that this portion of the Scriptures makes men legal about God’s free Grace, and I understand… There are serious, striking passages about God in the Scriptures that make me fearful and terror filled. I guess that my dabbling in occasional sinfulness just to stave off a longing for human companionship has desensitivized me to the terrible plight rewarded to all sinners who gleefully reject a wonderful, magnificent and precious Lord. I understand the terrible punishment, Man is an eternal creature.. He cannot be extinguished much less erased.., The spiritual realities of this world seem more terrifying than the physical ones.

All my life my thoughts have been consumed by Hell. I have stayed away from a curiosity in Cults and joining one because of Hell, I have stayed away from accepting the Hindu Faith that I have always felt a great attraction towards for the fear of Hell, I have stayed away from Occultism because of a fear of Hell, for a long long period of time.. Hell has always been in my thoughts striking fear inwardly, making me weep in unconscious anguish.. I have often pictured myself suffering and burning in Hell.., I can’t even comprehend the reality of what that might imply. After I survived my suicidal attempt by the grace of God, I had a dream where I encountered Hell.., I saw demons speaking to souls whose life had ended.., they were delightful that they could finally torment these souls who had chosen deliberately to stray away from a Holy, Loving Lord.. The sickening and terrifying part was that I was there with them.., They condemned each soul and threw him into what looked like a portal through which the fiery furnace of Hell was tangible.., I could hear the tormented screams of lost souls…, I felt terrified and deeply frightened… All my life I had feared this place… I had feared two things in my life… One was ending up in this place and two was not using my talents as described in the wonderfully comforting parable of Jesus. Yes the one about the usage of talents, that one has haunted me for years.

I find little comfort or motivation to act out on all the rigorous and extremely hard calls presented in the letters of Paul… They seem too judgmental for my tastes, too critical and leave no support or strength to stare at oneself. I fear risking my personal freedoms, I fear losing my own personality that took years of painful self examination to construct much less unearth, I fear losing me and becoming a puritan who blocks out the world. I have a great need to experience the world as me, I don’t want to become a robot who completely forsakes the world. I love the world.. I have grown used to its heartlessness and apathy, I love its mountains, its hills, it’s rivers, the mighty oceans that house such life within… It is a beautiful, vast place that has decayed thanks to us humans.. The world I inhabit contains slums where ditches run into houses, where prostitutes live near a river of dirt in huts and small one room houses used by men who please themselves for reasons unknown.., I routinely see dogs reduced to a pulp on the roads, I see dogs without homes, cows slaughtered, people dying on the roads, people murdered for no discernible reason.. These seek to destroy me.

But I struggle to attend Church regularly, I hate going to office on time, I despise judgmental counsel offered critically, I struggle to control my former bad habits that were rooted in my brain and heart for many many years, I can’t accept everything about Faith.. I can’t digest it much less comprehend and sincerely speaking live it.. It seems impossible, too hard.. too demanding.. and requires complete submission… I feel like everyday I have blown off my chances to ever reach Heaven which seems like more of a mirage than a reality to me. I have not thought of heaven at all for years, Hell has always had my fears, my worries and my anxieties.

I also realize that Christ is not magically going to save me at the last moment… As much as I glow and love to speak about His wondrous mercies.. I know all too seriously the stricter side of things… I realize that I have to walk this path…, I have to live a life that pleases Him and not one that pleases me… and that is where the difficult part is…. Having an invisible friend who is a mixture of Mercy and Justice is hard to understand much less follow at all costs…, I constantly find myself comparing Him to individuals in my life.. Is He like my Boss at work…? Who seldom listens to who I am, much less knowing me but gives me all the strictest tasks in the world with the strictest words…? Or is He like my dad who finds comfort in knowing a God of Grace who has mercifully upheld him during periods of trials, temptations, failures and discouragements…? I would much prefer God to be like my Dad who loves and tolerates the difficult parts of me and takes great pains to understand my heart even though he wants to speak about his glory all the time. I would gladly choose the great terrors of Hell if God were like my Boss, who rarely appreciates me and always tries to correct me without hearing my side. I know that this is a blasphemous statement, but I am just letting you know that I need more than just a strict guardian.. I want God to listen to me… to hear my side.. to love me at all times… even if I bring shame and disgrace to Him which I am quite an expert at.. I want Him most of all to just enjoy me.., Most people just pass me by and rarely if ever acknowledge me, much less stay interested in me. I no longer care if I am being rejected by 7 billion people, I just don’t want to be rejected by Him… I am not in love with Him because He could save me from Hell…, I love Him because He loves me as I am.

I know the grand benefits of serving Him… I experienced a few just this afternoon… Prayer for a child admitted to the ICU … who hours later was transferred to a general ward… Heavy rains stopped so that my team could play Cricket…, a lack of courage changed after a prayer which led to fierce strikes all over the ground and a passionate fielding and bowling effort. God routinely changes the odds into my Favor that I have stopped calling them miracles and freaky coincidences, I call them natural and expected.. My Faith grows with every answered prayer… My House is protected during the night.. The Health of my parents is ensured.. My Sister’s future is ensured…, Angels protect my family and my doggy throughout the day, round the clock.., I find stoic doors being opened for me… I find unexpected friendships.. I find favor.. I see God’s handiwork in all these acts.

The temptations of this world often call out to me…, and it is extremely difficult to constantly battle them chiefly since I find that I have no sound moral urges within my heart. I connect more profoundly with sinners dealing with their sins than Saints preaching Heaven… But I do it because I love Jesus.. I enjoy making God Happy.., He is my Chief passion in this life.. I want to make Him happy, I go out of my way to talk Jesus to people from my town, who stare at me strangely through disinterested eyes, I see a guarded heart emerge when I speak to my cricket friends about Him. My old friends listen out of respect and then go on about their life, I guess nobody really has the time for Him… I remember that I too was this way not so long ago.. But I have always loved Him and tried to make Him happy for a little while.., and then followed my own urges…, but now I joyfully serve Him full time in a place of hardened hearts and stone faced masks rejoicing in the opportunity to do so.

But He has touched me to see people differently, thanks to Him I no longer hate those who hurt and wound me without realizing. I love offering people unmerited kindness even though I can be graciously stingy about it and lament about it to Him telling Him all about how it would go unnoticed, much less appreciated. I love helping people having a hard time, I love listening to those whose lives have become broken and need mending, fixing and mostly needs a whole lot of Grace… And I have no problem offering it because I know how much Grace I received in my life.. I know that I don’t deserve anything. At work I find the conservative Christians terribly upset and sensitive about every misdeed of others, often times cutting them down and sermonizing to them about their fallen acts… I find peace and understanding instead knowing that only a sinner could truly understand what Grace really means for a spirit discovering Christ. Christ to me is more than just God.. He is my place where I go to realign myself, to rework on secret faults.. to grieve for the losses of this world…, to find out who I can be and to learn who I should be.

A young shy, inhibited and socially awkward kid once saw basketball as his sole refuge. Unable to understand a world that clearly did not need me, I grew connected in soul to a sport that taught me to develop personal mastery and competitiveness… That kid now knows Christ as His ALL. Christ is now my refuge, my BFF and my only strength even though I fail spectacularly in most attempts. I remember a recent incident where I almost blew my image, and avoided a major embarrassment to myself… at a recent testimony witness at a small church in a forsaken, lost part of town…I was passionately into my testimony.., I had gotten over the drug use parts.. past the failed relationship parts…past the alcohol, occult use, suicidal parts… and suddenly I forgot what I had to say… I just stared at the crowd with confusion and bewilderment before thankfully finding another completely disconnected word and finishing off 27 years of my life within a time span of 15 minutes.. In the views of my over hyped organizer I had taken too much time talking about my testimony.., a godly mistake in his eyes. Another incident completely unrelated, but one that I wish to vent about In the views of my horrifically perfection bound and seeking Employer, I seem to misguide his employees and spend too much time listening to their grumblings and rants, a procedure he finds amusing to his industrial mindset. A counselor at heart, my patience knows no boundaries when it comes to listening.. My employer who wishes to create immediate stalwards of honor and integrity rarely seems to know how to reach their heart.. something that I have no problems with.. be it with a stranger or with the chronically reserved.

Christ did offer me new urges. He did. I have changed for the better by no longer being controlled by my former life and its sinfulness.. But that does not mean that I don’t want to occasionally give drugs a try, or have an affair for the fun of it, or engage in casual relationships, or just do as I please and not be bothered about the consequences…, The Christian life asks me to become incredibly consumed about my personal actions, I have to act cordially even though my work colleague cut me off rudely and began a major rant about his personal wounded feelings without understanding the impact that he has one me…, I have to be patient with the young kid who is having his first experience at work and sees everybody as an enemy when corrected and perceives it to be a sign of exceptional courage to speak against the so called system, I have to listen as he voices out complaints against everybody for hours and sees himself as having no effect on anybody. He rarely understands the power of his hurtful language, his tone or his bitterness against everybody. I have to listen and understand the grief of a young heart experiencing the harrowing world of hospitals, busy doctors and long queues as he and his family hospitalizes his young relative who has a swollen heart and boils in her tummy, I have to extend grace to a former roommate who once joyfully tormented me with His knowledge of the world and with His instincts towards control and bitterness. I have to be courteous towards a former friend who once cut down my intelligence and exalted his own while he belittled every inch of my faith, my values and mocked the Holy Spirit as a phony and spoke about speaking in tongues as an exaggeration. I must not only accept Him, but I must love Him even though by my human standards I want nothing more to do than ignore, hurt and throw him away. My anger has to be controlled, my wandering eyes must be reigned in, my passionate responses to a sight of the female form have to be understood and quickly deflated, my bitterness has to be dealt with in Prayer.. My heart’s longings have to be discarded and seen in the light of what God wishes for me. In short, I am controlled by instincts that build a healthy, deep and wonderful me, and in this painful reconstruction I can see glimpses of the Only Perfect being in all of history.. My Master Jesus Christ and that gives me hope to continue and press on.