I know that too often,
I get distracted and lose sight of what has to be right,
I really like getting my own way Father,
If I am bluntly honest, I want to spend this life making it all about me,
I want to do as I please and not think about all the wrongs.
I am done fighting with you all the time,
I hate that You have already decided how things have to be,
I hate how You are so strict on things I wish were a lot more relaxed,
but I am through fighting with you, because You are right all the time,
I have decided to accept the fact that I can never be right if I am not thinking your thoughts, and walking that cold, hard path that you wish me to walk.
But I am not so sure if I can make it,
Heaven seems to be a place for the perfect,
have you taken a closer look at me Father…?
I am downright pathetic and sin loving to such a degree that I wonder if you have really even saved me..?
I am not like your other followers,
I am not even regular to a church,
something about putting You in a box disturbs me,
or limiting You to mere sermons and songs.
I know, I know… You enjoy them.
You Love Your children, despite their weaknesses and limits,
I get it.
I understand You a whole lot better than You give me credit for.
On most days I am not even sure if I will make it to Heaven.
I sometimes get overcritical and end up judging myself instead of others.
I sometimes carry grudges and bitterness,
But I am trying so hard to please You.
I can’t stop thinking about You,
You help me get through the day,
I love talking to You,
I love everything about You.
You are my Hero, My only Friend, my Savior, My Rescuer, My Counselor, My All.
I don’t trust anyone else like I trust You.
I love feeling You in that puny, self centered , over dramatic heart of mine.
I just fear the fact that You will one day Judge me as someone who was not good enough for You.
Lord, I have such a long long list of people who did that to me.
I am no saint either Father, I have stuff that I did that still haunts my heart.
I have been alone for so long, because I fear that I am not good enough for anyone, I prefer my own version of Hell.
Sometimes I feel like I am just trying to get You to like me,
and I fear that I am doing what I have hated.
Father I don’t love You because of what You do for me,
From the time I rise, to my sleep,
You protect me from death,
From pain, from poverty, from shame, from helplessness,
From satanic forces, from possible mistakes,
You hold me so close that I can’t hear the vengeful cry of my scars and my hurt,
I want to love You like no one else,
be it painful persecution,
or standing up for You when nobody else does,
or just doing something that is so painful and hard,
like loving an alcoholic who beats up his wife so hard that she cries all the time,
or responding in love to a friend who talks behind my back,
How exactly am I supposed to do this with the human heart that you have given in that place below the lungs…?
Every time I say impossible, You calmly say – Possible
Being in a relationship with You is intense, infuriating, the hardest possible thing in the Universe and painful…
But I don’t think I can find anybody else on this whole planet who loves me more than You,
I don’t think I can find someone with a heart like Yours either Father.
I sometimes feel that You have conveniently taken Yourself out of the Human equation and given us nothing but impossibility to deal with,
In my own life, I feel like You disappear often.. and I get mad at You,
I know.. Its useless… I am but a human speck,
Pitting me against YOU..??!!
Me going up against an infinitely powerful, omniscient, omnipotent,
supernatural being.. Yeah right…!
I am terrified of You already Lord,
I fear You for reasons I can’t comprehend,
Possibly the fact that You inspire Awe, terror and Love in the same breath
could be a nice clue.
You can just throw me in Hell, or strike me dead anytime You please.
But I don’t care… I want You to hear me,
Do with me as You please Father,
but don’t stop listening to me…,
because nobody else does,
I am just really trying here…
and I want You to know that and be proud..!