I get hints every now and then in my heart,
Painful reactions to something written, said or given.
I wonder why I feel that way,
is there truth to what I feel…?
How can I know I’m ever right,
I am led by the Bible and not by my feelings,
I refuse to allow intuitions, instincts and reactions to
guide me without subjecting them to tests,
I try to be decisive, firm and sound,
But I still find myself flexible, open and willing.
My well of empathy runs deep despite my
own harsh judgments,
I do find myself getting angry with individuals,
I see myself judging them by their actions,
I find myself avoiding people because of their
inner contents, I know it intuitively often..,
but I can’t stand the fact that an absolute will has
to shape and sharpen all of our actions…
Why can’t I just be free without the consequences..?
Why should I be constantly aware, awakened and cautious
about what I speak, think, do and engage in..?
I understand that evil in this time is hidden, one can completely be
caught up in sin and not know much truth to help him flee it.
I sometimes wish that there wasn’t a heaven or a hell,
I hate to know that billions of souls are going to Hell’s eternal torments,
I myself think that I am going to land up there,
Faith and religion seems to demand perfection,
I am not sure if I want such a life…,
It feels tremendously challenging and hard…,
I can’t be caught up in all of this..,
My spirit is fettered and my heart is pained by
all this insidious madness.
I guess it’s not how I would deal with things,
I can’t understand the harsh nature of people,
I understand their intentions, but I still wish things weren’t so black and white.
I guess I am soft, I don’t need toughening up..,
I’ve already by passed all of that to reach where I am
at right now..,
I am willing to accept that I need guidance, compassion
and often times correction.
I hate feeling like I am always in need of correction and change,
I despise the terrible inward pain, I wish I could stop my lustful sinning,
But I can’t seem to stop.., Help me.. , I need a miracle to make me stop.
But I can’t seem to take it in stride,
I bristle, react, defend or counter testify.
It seems very evil to constantly be checked and condemned of
inward attitudes that are against Godly standards,
I can’t start a revolution or rebel against the system..,
this is all there is.. There are no other options,
I hate Christians who warn, condemn me with slogans and judge me with Bible verses… I understand their intentions, but I still wish that things weren’t so hard..,
I am very weak when it comes to being confronted with sinfulness,
I hurt in ways that one can’t ever imagine,
I do my best to stay away, to kill those urges,
but I realize that sin is very much a part of who I am.
I am not just a sinner, in this world, I am the sin
that is causing all the disorders.
I guess that I am more interested in being a human than in
wanting to think of eternal choices,
I need God despite all of this madness,
I hate sin, but still I love it,
I hate myself, but I still enjoy the life that I am given,
I can’t do all of this alone, I will accept the fact that maybe,
I don’t know all that there is to life,
I just need some help with this sin,
please stop telling me about my act and my failure,
Lift me up and heal me of my own inner burning fire,
Please Lord, I need You even though i’m pretty sure
I am against everything that you ever ask of me…,
I’m sorry I feel this way.. I guess I just need you to help
me understand things from your eyes and ways,
I feel more for my humans despite the fact that they
ignore me everyday, hate me, kill me, murder me and
reject me…, I don’t presume that I feel more than You Father.. ,
I am just telling you that I feel protective of everyone down here,
Are we just burning materials or sons and daughters with Freewills and Independence…?
I can’t stand this infuriating mess Lord,
I am a wreck when you leave,
I don’t run to You because satan crushes, oppresses and defeats me with ease,
I don’t know why I love You, I am confused,
I am scared too, of You especially,
and of Hell too.., I couldn’t stand a burn in my finger,
I can only look forward to my eternal torture.
The more I want things to be done in my way,
the more I feel tired, dejected and pained,
it’s like choosing me is not choosing You..,
It’s like there is no inbetween,
and You stand by me without telling me anything,
I’d like a word from You every now and then,
like how about every single day..? Every single minute..?
I’d like your thoughts when I am indecisive, anguished and lurking around sin,
I’d like your thoughts when I am confused, hurt and broken,
I’d at the very least like you to reach me when I find it hard, impossible and difficult to reach out to You…,
I don’t need much Lord, I just need a light touch,
I can carry my burdens, I can face a million rejections from girls that I’ve spent years day dreaming about, I know that I will be destroyed and humiliated,
Ill probably ponder my death,
but all of that is irrelevant, I just need a little loving from You in the ways that I want to every now and then… I mean, I know You send millions of blessings everyday…, I am grateful for them, even though I feel that I am just another ungrateful wretch who takes advantage of your Grace.
Just yesterday, You saved me from being run over by a speeding car, Again.
You helped me love some unlovable, unlovely and ordinary friends,
You fed me, nourished me, gave a roof over my head,
I don’t know Lord… I just need more of You.. A lot more,
I can’t just enjoy all of this rebuking, confronting and reacting.
I want to be connected to You..,
To your depths, to your infinite glory,
I don’t know why I need you so intensely Lord.. I just do..,
I promise You that I don’t have any agendas, You’ll know it within an instant,
I don’t want to constantly be judging people for their sexual preferences,
Like most of your other servants, I know their intentions are honorable,
I just feel more hate than love in their sentiments, doctrines and messages.
Can I see the evil and dubious deception in such a world influenced stance, Yes.. But am I evil..? My Yes is far more dangerous than theirs will ever be,
I am on the road to Hell too aren’t I..?
Why on earth am I even worried about them..?
When I am trembling and having nightmares every other day about my own eternal destiny..?
I don’t know what to do Lord… I really really don’t.
I hate my job, the attitudes of people around me,
I hate it that the sad street dogs don’t have homes,
I hate it that people are so rude, self consumed and proud,
I hate it that this world is a mess,
I hate it that children are raped, that women don’t get equal rights,
that gays are not loved..,
I hate the fact that I am such a self destructive time bomb,
I hate the fact that I can never seem to satisfy You,
I hate the fact that I can’t do what I WANT..,
I hate the fact that I can’t play basketball all day long,
that I can’t write for hours on end, that I can’t read books
all day.., I hate it all…, I feel trapped, doomed and deeply insecure,
I am not obsessed with blessings, anointings or platforms either,
I just don’t know what I want sometimes,
even though my words reveal more clarity than what I feel.