I spend a lot of time debating, testing and trying to understand the Bible since implicit Obedience is not exactly my strongest suit.., and blindly following a doctrine is not my strongest suit either.. I question motives, intentions and agendas often.. I am skeptical about the dramatic, emotive and authoritative portions of scripture.. I try to understand them better, with clarity… I often wonder if what is written is true, authentic and factual. I often wonder if what is written expresses what everybody seems to think it expresses…, I am often hurt by what it expresses.. Since it bares open the nature of the flesh with it’s forceful impulsiveness and self destructive powers.., I find passages of the Bible commanding and authoritative and overpowering.., I find the punishments, the eternal consequences described terrifying and highly hard to digest… they hurt, wound and anger me.. I try to understand why.., the world does not seem to make a huge deal about sin.. I have often wondered why God does.., Hell always feels like too harsh a judgment to me.., I am not saying that what I am thinking is right, sound, correct or even wise.., I am just being brutally honest since I deeply care about God, about following Him even though I do a terrible job at it every single day.., I often hurt Him with my stupid, insensitive words.., like a child who blames his parents without ever realizing their value, their millions of sacrifices and their genuine, flawed and perfect love, I feel that I too am toeing a sensitive line when I am critical about faith…, but I am doing that on purpose, I still have doubts about faith, religion, dogmas, religious leaders…But I don’t doubt God… I have trouble understanding Him.. Everyday as a matter of fact.., I have trouble following Him and getting rid of personal, and outward sin.., I have trouble staying encouraged …, I have trouble being spiritual all the time when I have the very nemesis and enemy of faith within me.., I have a hard time counselling other people about the strange tragedies of life… but I know that God is right about everything.., I know that intuitively, intellectually, spiritually and absolutely.., I don’t have any trouble with Jesus, His teachings and His thoughts.. I can blindly follow them even if they are extreme, taxing and impossible.., God’s presence in Scripture makes it vital, pure and loving.. As a matter of fact, He makes the difference in scripture in my opinion….To be blunt, if it is said by God.. I enjoy the Bible…, otherwise it is a very difficult book to digest with all of its terrible punishments, sacrifices and wars. God makes the difference in that book to me.
It is by Him that I find my strength to follow the incredibly impossible demands of faith…, I know Him in my heart and in my life…And you get a sense of who people really are when you spend time with them and get to know them personally… The God I know in my heart has been nothing short of my rock even as I am slipping into what could’ve been the endless abysses of self destruction, Eternal torment and Agony…The God I know in my life has been understanding despite cruel deeds on my part when I begged for His forgiveness as I was assailed by the guilt and the pain of my deeds… I know the billions of times He offered a hand of Grace, mercy and understanding even though I am risking His wrath, His fury and His Patience by doing so… I know the millions of circumstances where a life threatening situation was in play, and I was offered a gracious way out without a scratch…, when hundreds to thousands everyday perish with the same odds against them…Without ever getting another chance.. It was Spurgeon who wrote that we are all hanging over eternal hell by a thread, and that thread is breaking second by second. Why does He have to be kind to me..? I don’t exactly have great credentials like so many wonderfully disciplined and obedient children, I am a mixture of a beautiful mess and a Saintly Sinner often times. But Why ME though..? Why be so kind to a useless wretch who still uses Grace to sin..?
My blessings in my heart and mind are His everyday providence, His faithfulness in my trials..His mere presence in my life.. I do ask for a few flashy gadgets every now and then, He is my Father after all.. I ask Him all kinds of spiritual things…, and I keep getting them all the time.. The delivery services are way ahead of Amazon and Flipkart and way better too.. The product has no expiry and the validity is out of this world.
I am trying to blur the lines between my thoughts and the thoughts of a million others, I feel that I am expressing a collective voice often when I write.., I only have trouble with the interpretations, the fallacies and the errors of human laws, intentions and motives. I begin to understand that God’s laws have incredible and loving motives for our emotional, personal and spiritual welfare.., Being narrow is often a great sign of emotional balance and health, being narrow in definition gives a great deal of clarity.., It takes away the hideous delusions offered by the crazed instincts of our minds and allows us comfort, peace and security… God’s laws helps us see our own lawlessness since this world was created by God, we can only assume that reaching Him, following Him and knowing Him needs His mechanics, perceptions and desires…, We are not exactly trapped… Since the Bible tells us that He is Life.. What a beautiful, infinitely empowering statement dear friends… To know that in God is Life.. means the world to me.., For I have been a great lover of life, for her experiences and all her highs.. I am addicted to life…but I must confess that I can’t still grasp her.. but I can grasp God since He offers Himself to me despite my cynical weaknesses, despite my bitter anger and venom and despite my foolishness…, God gives me the greatest courage, comfort and hope…. even more than I can muster…, which is another foolish comparison since I am His creation after all.., I am beginning to understand with a great deal of pain( mostly because I hate being wrong) that following God is about becoming willing, all my questions of the Bible.., my sharp scrutiny and investigation are often tools that stem from being robbed of my own independence, my reactions to the bloodshed are often doubts that doubt His motives, my doubts regarding verses of correctness, righteousness and Holiness are limited in their perspective since I am often wondering if there can be another way to be Holy.. But as always God’s ways are narrow in nature since they prevent misunderstanding, deceptions and deep seated confusions. Yes there are genuine intellectual doubts, genuine historical doubts, genuine spiritual doubts.. but I understand that I need to have Patience, chiefly with God and then with myself.., He is more complex , just, correct and loving than I can ever imagine.., I just need to trust Him and seriously spend a lot of time with the Word( Which I often don’t) and try to understand it for what it is.
By Nature I find myself expressing Loyalty, Love, Devotion and Obession to my Father far better than Judgment, Obedience and Discipline.. I am a man of principles and ideals.. this naturally makes me more flexible, sincere and open minded whereas my dogmatic Christian brethren have a hard time connecting to people of other faiths and accepting them as they are… I have no trouble or only mild trouble in learning their heart, their lives and understanding why they find it so hard to accept the domineering views of Christianity… I guess that we can’t blame them either, they have not had the luxuries of a faith oriented life, even though that did no wonders for me … Human life is complex for us and can’t be understood in its vast, incomprehensible form(believe’ me i’ve tried), and that is exactly why we need a Creator, whose directions and guidelines are more knowledgeable than we will ever be about living in such a rapid world of incessant evil and decay. We need someone who knows the spiritual consequences of being led into traps where unseen forces of evil can create a ruckus and serious emotional and psychological damage in our lives, the laws are strict because they protect us…, God is strict because He wants us all for Himself.. in His way and in His directions… We don’t exactly have a manual on reaching Heaven written by our finest authors.. chiefly bcos they have no idea about how to get about it even if they pretend to. God can only guide us, or so I have discovered, I still have my doubts.. But I can see further than most people and see reasons, causes and effects quite well.. by the grace of God ie.., but still in humility I often go to Him after terrible discouragement.., Needing Him to comfort me and calm me down.. because nobody else Has His patience and love.. Nobody else can guide me with the truth and still correct me with not just kindness but with firmness…He is the only voice that I seem to trust even though I can’t exactly hear Him, but I’ve been with Him long enough to hear Him even if He is not there visibly.