Chronicles of an Imperfect Saint.

Standard

I woke up and saw everything around me in terror. My heart racing over what I had seen, felt and done.

What had I done..? What had I done..?

I felt an unearthly fear grip me. I hear the light growl of a street dog in the distance, I hear the familiar sounds of the night in an unsafe neighborhood at unease with the unseen forces of terror that stalk and prowl, I feel my heart beat racing. Was I going to die today..? Did I have the assurance of salvation..? I had been engaging in a dangerous game of backsliding and grace abuse for the past two to three weeks, had I exhausted God’s patience..? Was murder going to become the way that I encountered God before I was to be led towards the fiery, never ending flames of hell..? I began to search for verses in my memory to combat the overpowering, domineering forces inherent in my mind. I tried to remember past experiences where I had been rescued, saved and comforted. I tried to calm myself and stop feeling what I felt. I did not have any luck… I knew the fear that I was feeling all too well. In my spiritual mind, I tried to discern if it was a spirit, if it was a spirit operating the mention of Jesus would yield a breakthrough in some unseen, mystical and supernatural way. The past few weeks I had been swamped with village visits, personal evangelism, preaching, witnessing, writing, shooting for tv, and testifying of the Lord’s power in the town that I was placed by the Lord. It was one of my greatest spiritual longings coming to life, and it had been coming to life in the greatest possible way… But I felt completely disconnected to it all despite being spiritually empowered and able in the greatest way possible. But the simplest way to put it across to you would be that I felt myself staring at it in unbelief. Not the emotional, overwhelming sort of unbelief. But the suspicious, anxious and unthinking kind where I did not even possess a human spark or capacity to comprehend what was at work in my life at the moment.

I had started to work as an evangelist slash (sub sub) assistant pastor to a Theologian, Pastor and Bible Teacher and despite my fears of the past, despite my fears of getting caught in a wrong situation, and getting caught up with some maniacal, Over Righteous Perfectionist whose bruising words of judgment, criticism and condescension would torment me eternally, I had taken a dive because working for the Lord was what I had been created for, it was the reason that I was alive today and it was the only passion in my life that consumed me 24/7. Prior to this dive I had had three months of fiery tests, tremendous mental trials and financial suffering as I quit my job at a Gospel Channel that I had had the pleasure of shepherding, laboring for and being a part of for two years. In that channel I had had my own tv show, I was popular on account of that show and everywhere I went people began to recognize me. As blessed as that made me feel, I could hardly care less.. It was the joy of ministering to people that I enjoyed, I was a wise man who had suffered endless trials and wounds in my past, I knew the perilous side of popularity and I wanted none of it, I enjoyed people finding a reason to talk to me, apart from that I did not particularly enjoy being known as someone who was a collection of television pixels in many houses.. I wished more to be a man of use to the Lord, effective to Him and absolutely of usefulness to the King of Kings who knew the pitfalls, downfalls and the people type who were rampant in my town.. I have always been more concerned about pleasing God than man.

I had my own individual, unique, God created way of ministering and I would usually get offended when people pointed out legal errors in my style that I had never been very thrilled about perfecting, as I had studied the Bible I knew deeply that the Lord chooses certain people for who they are and for who He had created them to be, but He would fill them with Him and then use them in Holy, awe inspiring Power. I get offended because people want me to be like them, to think like them and to talk like them in a Biblical manner, God has given me a different gifting that I find the most satisfaction in, it has enabled me to do His work in a form and fashion that is more about individual healing, understanding and empathy driven counselling, fiery preaching, expository sermonizing, building up deep personal connections, initiating complete engagement and filled with Holy, inspiring and Godly passion. My leadership was more in tune with my Master, Jesus.. I was a man of the people, I hung out with sinners but I fed them truths about the gospel, I prayed fervently for them(if i’m honest right now, it has been weeks since I have prayed for anyone with my style of time), I tried to bring out the best in them, I encouraged them, I supported them and I loved them like I loved myself, or at least attempted to heroically. I allowed them to be them self and I was wise about their nature, since I observed, studied and understood them in ways that they probably have not had the joy of being accepted. All such abilities come along with my Godly anointing, power and filling. It is the Power of the LORD that has helped me perform things that I am thoroughly incapable of. I was created for a different purpose, I was not created to please men, I was created to please God. I was a man of God, no matter how many times I say it I find it hard to believe and accept.

Growing up I never had a feel for my talents, gifts and uniqueness. I only found myself wounded since I was always overlooked, underappreciated and never recognized.

The worst part about the last few weeks was that I was underfed in my spirit. My prayers had been very distracted, filled with all kinds of fears, fraught with nervous tension, wary of Godly punishment and aloof from Biblical confrontation. I always have observed how the Lord grows sharp in rebuke the further I emotionally disconnect from Him. I enjoy that actually since i’m the exact same way. I know that only love has that quality. But it has taken me time to understand it, since I have always felt personally hurt with punishment since I grew up, a fearful, awkward, shy and self conscious kid. Academically I was poor, teachers rarely praised,admired, acknowledged my existence or even enjoyed my presence… As a matter of fact nobody that I knew acknowledged me, I was unseen, invisible and deemed unworthy. I was not loved for who I was, I was seen for who I was not. I was always at the bottom of the food chain.. words such as weak student, failure, slow learner, inept, foolish and other hurtful words in the Tamil language were bestowed upon me often. I gradually learned to look at myself based on the treatment, the words and the acceptance that I received. This was not frequent, but happened 80 percent of the time. It was always implied though, and my intuition has always been on point.

My parents were often informed of my low grades, and I felt humiliation at being such a poor example of my parents at my first school. I knew my parents story, they had worked so hard to come to where we were at the moment, and here I was ruining their name, their image and their pride. I felt shame about it, but I never talked about it, but it was something that I always felt even though there are tons of negatives about me. Very early on I could pick out social themes around me , one of them was inequality, I could understand why people looked over me, I could understand why they saw dark skin and saw it as something that reminded them of ugliness.., it reminded them of the ditch, the crows and unattractiveness. So you can clearly see the k I couldn’t understand why they still didn’t feel that even such a sort of inferior person, atleast in their eyes .. Still how they felt that such a person did not deserve kindness, respect and love is beyond me.. Culturally people grow up humanistically foolish.. My different world has always enabled me to be deeply humane despite all of my flaws.

So from my narrative you can sense the kind of emotional baggage that I possess in my heart towards being confrontational, controlling, judgmental and being criticized. All these experiences have drained into my nature a kind of individualistic, independence with a protective rebelliousness, where I learned to protect myself through self imposed isolation and emotional distance. I could understand why.. God has always given me deep understanding, but what I struggled, wrestled with and was unable to come to terms with was the question How. How could people disrespect and be so unkind..? How could people kill..? How could people humiliate others and never ask sorry..? How could people be so cruel to somebody else..? How..? How..?

At my first school, Inequality was implied, reinforced and taught consciously and unconsciously, at my second school it was worse. In the Indian education system teachers were allowed to punish, hit and hurt students back in my day. The motive was to make students succeed, I wonder if it has ever accomplished that though. For four long years, I went to a hostel where I encountered this in full force. I had failed 8th grade in my first school, which meant that I had to repeat it once again. Deeply depressed and hungry for a new experience, I asked my mother to enroll me in a school that I felt would make me stronger. Growing up around rich kids, privileged kids and amongst kids who knew how to express themselves with pride, strength and arrogance.. I felt weak, inferior, ugly, unattractive, undesired, left over and untalented. At my next school, my academic and socializing inabilities encountered bullying, teasing, cruel physical punishment, taunting, fights, pride, strength, force and verbal punishment. I was the one who was always punished the most, the one who felt the sickness in the system the most and the one who felt the hurt of others the most, growing up I could never sense anybody have the kind of heart for the suffering like I did. I say that with all humility, since the school that I studied at after failing eight grade implied that one had the license to be arrogant by brute force and be recognized as some sort of man. I can only laugh at the foolishness of all such imbeciles and snobs now, but still I have the humbling, my own pride breaking sense to also reach out with compassion to the bully in the same manner that I reach out to the suffering.

Punishment meant that I was unloved, rebuke meant that I was inferior, I knew that I couldn’t treat the Lord this way, as strong as it made me feel to have the power to stay within protective distance from the Lord’s rod of correction, I knew deeply well that I wouldn’t be able to stand a minute of His distance.., I would self destruct if He were to abandon and neglect me.., I would gladly murder myself if He were to distance Himself away from me forever. I can’t bear His distance, I can’t bear Him not enjoying me, I can’t bear Him being apart from me even though i’m an idiot who forgets things and acts belligerently and disrespectfully. More than seeing God as God, I view Him through the lens of my need.. Chiefly my inner most needs of wanting love at all times, at all costs and during all times. If He were to abandon me, I would revert to my former self, with all its demonic oppression, lies, fears and deep deep anxieties.

It had frightened me to my deepest core. The nightmare ie. But I sighed as I felt the absence of the deep darkness that I had felt as soon as I had woken up. I felt a deep burden lift from my the depths of my soul. The burden of my past and the promise of the future and my human inability to comprehend the power of both unsettled me, I wrestle when the burden of it all gets too much for my fragile human heart to handle. Christ has released me from the prison, the torment, mental suffering, the agony and the mental anguish of my past, but I still struggle to understand the difference. I can feel the presence of familiar strongholds, in my life they were not only based on personal suffering of the academic kind, they were of the highly sensitive kind, they were of the artistic kind, they were rooted to the chaos of a culture blind to the power of life in all its gory, brutal realities, I see too much, sense too much, feel too much and realize too much. I wish that I didn’t know what I know. But I do, and Christ is the only power capable of helping me from such an insane, deep evil at work in the human mind, in the outer fabric, layer, nature and power of reality as it manifests itself in places, people and situations.

Blackness.., blackness possessed the room. I could hear the deep slumbering whimpers of my canine lying next to me. I realized that the Lord had woken me up to pray. I was leaving for a trip, and He always knew how overwhelmed I got in unfamiliar places. He was asking me to pray to Him, He was asking me to rest in Him, to be refreshed in spirit and to talk to Him since He knew how hurt I had been in my last few trips after being ignored, rejected and unpleasantly treated by people. I immediately felt my own confusions stirring, why did I have to ask Him in order to gain it..? Didn’t my Heavenly Father know whatever I wished, required and wanted before I could find words to speak them..? Why did I have to ask Him..? My questions only aroused my deepest confusion, I wouldn’t be able to understand why I felt the way I felt, but I knew that my spiritual man needed to encounter Him. This was my spiritual mind at work, stuff that I can never explain with reason, even though I can if I wish to.

In my nightmare I had encountered a gang of hooligans, who wished to harm me and I had physically assaulted one of them out of self defense. He fell to the floor, bleeding and hurt. In my dream he dies, I immediately run away from that place, alarmed at my act and deeply disturbed by my own viciousness. Prior to this sequence, I had made a friend, and he invites me to a posh, three star restaurant and he has been sacked by that establishment, and I feel protective of him and wish to defend him. I knew that my violent attack in the nightmare was derived from my recent travels.., I had passed through Vellore’s prisons a week ago on route to an all night prayer, and I imagined the evil at work in the cruelty of the system that was godless, perverse and inhuman. I had shuddered at the thought of ending up there, my dream used that fear.., My current ministry also involves that I spread the gospel to the nearby villages that lie in scores all around my town, villages where the demonic Hindutva faction RSS are deeply rooted in. They are well known for using violence as a weapon to assault evangelists and preachers. I naturally feel fearful despite the thick sheet of God’s presence always around me, India is a cruel place for evangelists.., and persecution is a hidden truth.., but that’s the price that one pays for loving Christ.. I find that fear also woven into the nightmare.., I also sense the anger that I had felt in the evening towards a group of young guys at the ground that I played at. Their nature was so proud, haughty, rebellious, self loving and disrespectful.. in a spurt of emotion, I had imagined myself combatting those guys and teaching them some basic manners, this too was present in that dream. Over the past few days, my dreams had elicited fear and danger, these were themes that I was always discerning about in my life, not only as a former prisoner of fear, but as a prisoner of Christ wary of worldly realities that satan wished to preserve at all costs. I felt a spirit of fear at work in that nightmare, but the Lord was speaking more powerfully to me that I was around violent, demonic powers and that I needed to protect myself in His power.

I didn’t need any further prompting. I got off the bed, and opened the door and went to the Hall.

I knew that the city that I was heading to was tremendously difficult to stomach after my powerful experience with the Lord four or so years ago. Four years ago, the city had been my home for the better part of 7 years. In it I had grown up to become the man that I was right now, the city was like my mother.., I learned, grew confident in myself and learned to take charge.. But right now as an artist, writer and evangelist things would be different… I would not only see physical uncleanness, dirt, endless unkind and foul realities.. I would be barraged and assaulted by endless unkind, vile and disrespectful things that would make me sick to my stomach since the Bible is clear that God Himself begins to live within us after we are saved, and the Lord is hurt by a world of unkindness, uncleanness and hate. The thing that would hurt me the most as an evangelist would be the spiritual reality: scores and scores of diverse people groups divided by race, creed, nationality, social standing etc etc walking around having not even the most fundamental knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. The attractiveness of people there would intimidate and confound me, the ease and comfort of people’s confidence would hurt and wound me, the intelligence and ability of people there would make me feel insignificant and useless.. My natural resources dry up the moment I hit its shores. I can only thrive and survive with Jesus power.

Godly power has enabled me to evangelize to most of my former friends in some shape, degree and fashion, all to the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ. I have loads and loads of basketball teammates, friends in petrol bunks, friends working behind the counter of the In and out stores.., watchmen and security guards.., auto drivers, homeless bums, flower sellers, beggars.. In my eyes, much like my Lord, everyone is a friend. I live that out, and I love that it is the way it is. I have always hated limits, rules and boundaries between people. In my life prior to encountering Christ.., I enjoyed conversing with people from different religions, different thinking styles.., I had among my friends.. Homosexuals, transgenders, shady types, bike mechanics, atheists who blasphemed the Lord routinely, Fanatics, people who blatantly did not like me.., but I was intrigued by them even though I have felt hurt on numerous occasions, I still enjoyed their personality, their person and their presence.., I had no thoughts about their sins.., their lifestyle and their mistakes.. In my eyes, I myself struggled with numerous sins, what made me so different from them all..? I still feel the same way.., God has enabled me to love people more powerfully since then.., where I couldn’t comprehend their choices, habits and lifestyle.., as a reformed man of God I can comprehend it.., and I see the staleness that sins create in a human soul. There is no art, no beauty in sin.., it only corrupts, destroys and breaks.., and now I do my best to save, rescue and help people with the living gospel of Jesus Christ which I believe with my life, my full heart and with all my mind.

This is why I love that city so much, it helps me experience people so different from me. I can’t wait to get there despite my natural fears, hesitations and anxieties.

I would like to leave you all finally with a moral from a recent experience that I had with one of my great friends. Part of my personal evangelism ensures that I hang out with tremendously difficult people who have nothing in common with me, but I plunge into camraderie, debate, conversation and endless attempts to win souls over, both to Christ and into a brotherly fellowship with me where I lead them into a deeper knowledge, power and understanding of Jesus Christ. The ending result is that I find myself facing intimidation, heartbreak, I encounter the shallow, nonspiritual nature of men, I encounter tremendous tremendous frustration, embarrassment, shame and awkwardness. I enjoy it deeply despite my well known aversion of any kind of pain. I literally have to stalk and follow people who want nothing to do with me, or with my calling, or with the Lord that I love so dearly in my heart of hearts despite my incredible weaknesses.

After my split from Tv ministry, the Lord paired me up with a friend i’d like to call Captain Wonder, which is his nickname by the way. He and I are worlds apart, but connected both by blood and by faith. He is my brother in Christ and I love him dearly, and affectionately.. But I was having trouble dealing with his way of looking at things recently. I had sent a story of mine that I wanted him to read. I know well how deeply restless his soul is, and how impatient he is, and how being outrageously extroverted is all that he knows. Still I wanted him to know my thoughts, my stories and my soul. I sent him the link to my wordpress account. I had chosen a story that I had written three years ago about a young man in a new city. I had gone through great efforts to send him that link, since finding this particular story meant that I spend half an hour searching through my posts since I have written around 400-500 of them. I also don’t share my works with people, since I know that their insecurity often parades as criticism and insight. Five minutes later, I get a reply from him stating that I used too many commas, full stops and that he couldn’t understand what I meant. Naturally I was hurt, upset and discouraged by his reply, but I wished to overlook it.

A few days passed and then he sent his writings to me. He had had a dramatic encounter at a temple in Thiruvanamalai a few years ago, which is a local religious hotspot for hindu devotees who view it as some sort of mystical shrine of their gods.. Wasting his life around material excess and moral confusion, he felt his soul encounter the truth of Christ in a place as spiritually dead as Thiruvanamalai. That touch had inspired him to walk with Christ, although he was struggling with direction and witness. I went over his written message, I enjoyed its vulnerability, I enjoyed its emotions and I enjoyed its effort. I understood what it meant, I understood also its unspoken emotion. If I had used his same critique about grammar, language and punctuation, his work was a disorderly mess. A casual reader would’ve discarded it the moment he would’ve picked it up. His understanding of the language was as astounding as his complete ignorance of how to use it with power, imagination and conveying a story. His thoughts had no order, it did not have the power to convey what he wished to say, his grammar was as correct as the random order of stuff in a garbage can. His understanding of his profound spiritual insight was as uninspiring as a cold wave of the sea with no color and life… These are observations that speak about the outer nature of things.. Which is the Biblical way.. the Bible points out outer ugliness to correct an inner dysfunction…I did not wish to gloat over my glee at his inability, I was a wounded healer and a preacher who often used both roles to convey scriptural truths. It was not his offensive response to my story that bugged me, it was more than that. I have a fellowship that met regularly on thursdays, where he is an active member. He has supported, provided for and shouldered that ministry from the start. But there were personal attitudes that were very demeaning, controlling, confused and power driven that I wished to help him understand, give him the inspiration to change and draw him closer to Jesus which was my ultimate goal. Working directly with people helps one understand the immense spiritual distance that exists between God and man, and how man often times assumes the greatest things about himself which are often deceptive and untrue.

I called him up and asked him if we could eat outside. He readily agreed. We hit up a local tandoori place and were very soon sinking our teeth into some grilled barbecue chicken, one of the finest in Vellore. I asked him about how things were going, I asked him the condition of his faith and his day. Midway through, in his method of apologizing he opened up about why he couldn’t read it. I asked him if he was ready for a few spiritual insights..? To which he replied that he was. I asked him how he would feel if his hardwork, endless nights of frustration, blood, sweat and tears ended up in a person’s hands and he dismissively cast it aside.. Understanding the response and trying to use familiarity as a way of encountering it, he talked about how he could understand what I was saying, and that he knew why I was saying the stuff that I was saying. Ministry work has helped me see that people often upset by making you feel upset in a way that is very subtle, but avoids an exposition of things that they are rebelling in.

I empathized with his convicting pain, I told him that this was how most of us were like towards the Lord, and that we were so blatantly disrespectful towards Him and His wants but pester and get from Him things that we want. I told my friend that we are all least concerned about the Lord’s feelings but only consumed by our own. I told him as a friend that I myself was an ugly sinner whose good works were like filthy rags, but that Christ enables me serve, love and obey Him. He grew silent, maybe for the first time in decades he learned to see a thing in the eyes of God’s most intense longing for humanity. The Lord makes us to become like Him. He enjoys who we are, but He knows that we can only touch the world if we are like Him.

Friends, I leave you with these stories, personal accounts and discoveries until the next time. God bless you and may you discover the king of Kings and know and understand that He is the ultimate treasure, passion and life worth living for.

Confessions: Lost chances( Short fiction)

Standard

‘ Is it your fault.., or was it mine..? Whom do I blame for this sorrow..?’
– Translated from a tamil song

The basketball court grew translucently vacant after eleven in September… September made you feel different in the city.., as a watcher of people I pick up on a lot, all cities have the same traffic.., the same zone defense of public roads.., the same feisty cops pulling up bikers with helmets…, but God has different layers to each month.., the trees lose more leaves.., there are a lot more winds.., the waves of marina are are more lustful of the shore.., loneliness is much deeper in the underground caves.., and the antisocial appears every now and then when things grow still after the din grows low… A man who knew loneliness sat here often hoping to absorb the energy of sane souls, I knew him as well although he and I don’t really talk much.. I get the sense that the world that he occupies does not allow entry of people who talked.., he was a sad soul.., lost to a world that was indifferent to his plight.., unkind to his homelessness and harsh to his presence.., can’t really blame him.., but I wanted him to pour his soul into mine and feel my warming fire.., I was not exactly normal either.., I was a misfit myself.., a loner who preferred a ball and an empty court to people… Friends in my life were people whom I knew but who never knew me.., I was too deep to be understood, I was too distracted by the world to conform to their demands and expectations which seemed silly and childish in my eyes.., I was a man who knew things before they happened and who saw things before they were perceived.., I was whatever place I absorbed and I was whoever people wished me to be. The Park drew in folks.., the park did not catch your attention immediately, you would pass it by and it would not invoke any sensation.., it was bare, plain and possessed no juicy vibe.., like a plain woman you passed her by.., and then you encounter them and you begin to know them and you get the sense that you were guilty of perhaps discrimination but you’re safe since it happened in the secretive layers of your mind…. but this park was where I in all of Madras city found myself drawn to.. Perhaps this would be my own dream theater of performance.., where I can be the heroic motif that I pick in my day dreams.., where I create a legacy for my own knowledge but unseen and unrealized by those who frequent this same place as me.

There was always a buzz on the basketball court.., the eager to flaunt players held hostage by their domineering coach.., the visitors who sat on the stone galleries to ponder life’s mysteries.., the middle aged uncles who rested their vertebrae after a back breaking walk around the park to burn off calories.., shady cats whose eyes glinted with the spirit of marijuana and who scowled and mocked everybody that their eyes could see.., homeless drunks who argued loudly and later slept soundly in the top stair of the stone gallery.., local flower men who sold threaded jasmine buds to middle class city bred ‘Iyer’ ladies who slept on the hard stone floor.., Fatigued auto-rickshaw men resting after a tiring day…The court was my kingdom.., and I imagined myself to be the king of my court.., and it was my job to realize with the eyes of the heart the souls that walked through the court.. I would attempt stories from what I felt when my heart touched upon their souls.. I would also try to place each person with a song that I would spend hours searching for.., or perhaps crystallize them with a poem..By nature I am distant since I could care less about the formality of mere connectivity.. I could not understand why people had to spend so much time getting acquainted.., I know the bad ones.., they always try to make you love them and they always try to puff you up.., the rest are a mystery that requires patient chopping .., my mind is always afar since I alienate myself from the usual.., but there is a music to each soul that one can listen if one listens closely.., a hidden tale buried within each layer.., and I was determined to discern and navigate through the darkness of being.

He was one of those middle aged men who enjoyed mere banter. He had a charming and disarming way of engaging you.., He and I shared the same lonely space for quite a period of months, I wanted him to find it in himself to dare break the invisible walls that people erected around themselves.., He approached me with praise, a great conversation starter.., he wanted to understand why anybody would choose a public park to practice after 11.30.., a place well known for antisocial scum, insane marauding hooligans on bikes and bloodthirsty wanderers… I responded by saying that I could say the same about him to a certain extent.., A spark glowed in the darkness of that court which was a well-known magnet for unfinished tales.., broken hearts and restless souls… He would generally do his circular walks around the park with a distracted look, he found the practice difficult but he still kept at it.., he was from a small town deep in the south.., his language contained the soul of the town that he was from. The people there probably spoke from their heart.., lacked cunning and were delightful of people.., maybe they lacked the sophistication of deeper understanding.., for a brief while we clicked. Our souls are thirsty for as much of earth that we can find.., for in eternity our souls will suffer uncertain fates depending on our choices. I knew that a soul’s relation to the revelation of Jesus would decide one’s eternity.., but in the here and the now all souls starved and hungered for love and want.. They had a funny way of expressing it since immaterial realities kept pressing against their conscious shores…, but it was there and you had to learn to handle the bitter reality of people and their incapability of knowing their presence and their actions on another soul.

I am a chamber full of secrets.., many souls speak what besets their soul into my depths.., they share their hurts which are often painful realities that still torment their inmost minds..,I seem to inspire their openness.., and I seem to inspire them to enter into my inner stillness to phrase in fleeting lucidity their inmost torments which always found a way to confound their lingual capabilities.., for the moment they could find the perfect, most honest, most soulful and most heartfelt way of narrating their lives in his presence.., it would finally lift off and decrease in its intensity.

He remembered the first time he saw her.., he had known since he was 8…, it was not her eyes, her appearance or her behavior that he noticed…, he noticed instead how his heart fluttered when she walked past him oblivious to the nuclear damage that she was wreaking on his simple soul. Over a period of time the feelings became mutual…, he was 14 by then.., and she 13.., they held hands on the long mud paths surrounded by rice fields and sugar cane fields that led to their homes when nobody was watching.., he climbed trees to pluck mangoes for her and.., wrote her I love you hundred times… their love blossomed over the years.., he came from a conservative system.., multiple social walls stood in his way.., she was from another caste.., he belonged to another.., religion spoke about how he belonged higher.., but his heart could see no such reality.., his heart wanted her more intensely as the years progressed.., they promised each other multiple times that they would find each other no matter how far they got.., that the other would wait if something were to happen.., but as fate would have it education brought him to the chaotic city of Madras.., he would call her many times.., but there were no mobile phones back then.., the timing had to be perfect.., her Father owned a goods store and he would be out by 7 in the morning.., her mother was always at home.., but went at 2 pm to the temple for half an hour.., that would be their time.., even if her mother returned.., she would act as though the phone call was between her friends.., but one time her mother stayed back and long story short got wind of what was happening.., they beat her so bad that she swore to never contact him again.., but she was lying.., how can emotions such as love end in the face of adversity.., it is the very soil that it blooms and flourishes in.., he promised her that he would come back for her the moment he got a job.., but her parents got her married before he could make good on his promise.., marrying her off to some businessman…, heartbroken he wept, cried and wandered in sorrow and despair.., the years passed, he tried to forget her but to no avail.., how could someone forget someone who had inhabited his inmost being..? Who had loved him with a love all her own..? How could he overcome that which only made him linger.., stay and wander in a world of inner hurt..? He grieved like a man who knew not how to survive in a world devoid of his sweetheart.., he could not bear the thought of her in the arms of another man.., he could not bear another possessing her…, love was never meant to be shared by a third party.., Never.., His parents sensing his woe married him off to a proper Madras girl.., he hid his sorrow and began to live for his future.., family.., responsibility.., he had become so possessed by this intense hurt in his heart that he struggled to love his wife fully.., even though he had gotten over the deadly blow.., he could never forget his first love.., he shared this to me over a period of time and I listened as I always did like my life depended on it.., funny how strangers heal wounds that one’s own efforts seldom seem to. I know that the good Lord placed me on this planet to heal people, He did the healing.., I just had to reach out to the souls.., and I always could find them no matter how they hid their wounds.

I did my best to console him.., I spoke nothing .. there was nothing that I could say that would reach the inmost depths of him and pull him away from what he felt, I only listened and allowed my silence to do the healing.., I allowed my warmth to speak what I couldn’t.., what could I say..? I only felt myself grow sad.., there was a certain amount of sadness that this court seemed to attract…, I was a lost soul myself.., but I knew that Jesus healed.., you just had a sense for these things that was more than reason oriented.., I understood his moral reality.., He was married.., had kids in school and was a normal functioning member of society now.., but he would forever remember the lost chance.., and what could you do about it in this wild jungle..? Love more deeply..? Take more chances..? Marry for love..? I didn’t have a clue.., all I knew was that life moved on.., I had more souls to meet and more stories to glean. But what I encounter and see will always bleed within me.

Attraction – Short Story

Standard

” I just find myself wildly attracted to you…, I just keep thinking about you all the time.., like all day all day.. Kanyeezy style.” I typed even as I felt the familiar rush … She was quite potent.

“What…? C’mon man… are you serious…? I knew that this would happen.” She typed like she was standing right before me but was not listening to me even as I poured out my soul.

” I don’t even know you man.., How can you say something like that to a complete stranger…?” She wrote like she was writing a Toni Morrison novel filled with symbolic, cultural drama.

I felt stung…, hurt…, has it ever occurred to you that my pain is better expressed as quotes, letters and stories…? ( Monologue to myself)

‘ Look, I am just being real.. I don’t know how to say what I am about to say without making it sound like one tremendous cliche’. I know that what I feel is totally normal and quite common, but my heart feels something whenever it rebelliously escapes my struggling restraint and self control and just wanders into you… And believe me there is no greater heartbreak dealer than myself, i’m quite the expert at bearing the intense broken pieces of my heart just longing for you with torturous attempts even as it struggles to confront the larger reality…, I am not expecting anything from you.., as a matter of fact I want to kill this within myself…, because I know that your heart is elsewhere.., and believe me I don’t want to be caught up in one of those awkward one sided infatuations that will just keep killing you day by day.., I know that you are way over my league…and I know that I am not what you dreamt about when you were dreaming for your prince charming… I am the complete opposite of what you actually want… I am a dreamer.., I am shy.. awkward…alienating and a lover of solitude… I am a loner.., I am not exactly relationship material…, I know that you won’t care to know about all of my personal feelings…, I probably sound like a creep.. But I am just being real… You’re just a chance that I take to keep on dreaming baby…It aint’ you.. it’s all me..so keep doing your thing.. living your life.. being that irresistible ray of bouncing sunshine that I desperately want but can’t ever have…’I wrote to her.

‘ Look man…, I hate to state the obvious but i’m just not comfortable with what you’re saying.’ She replied back as though I had not just bared my soul and removed all of my defenses and was now standing naked and vulnerable before her awaiting her stern, indifferent voice.

‘ Mhmm, I get it…, ha ha ha … Listen, like you don’t need to cut me off or anything okay…I get it.., you have to act rude and dispose me off like I am someone who has become an obstruction.. I am probably taking on the form of people who have incited irritation and reckless annoyance in you in the past.. Some lousy desk job clerk who made you feel like you were once again back in school against the more popular kids who seemed worlds apart and never for once acknowledged you or even made you feel special about yourself…, or it might have been some local perv who kept staring at you when you were on the metro train… Making you feel weird, fearful and horrible inside… In all honesty you will probably be more angry with me than with all these other varieties of scum…, because you know that I am not what you want.., and you will feel nothing while I will feel everything that you don’t feel. I will view your inability to feel nothing towards me with the greatest regret, it will keep killing me because I won’t be able to handle the fact that I am not able to give you what you need…, a year from now.. I would still be consumed by the fact that you were nothing apart from an infatuation…, you won’t see things about me that I would definitely want you to see…, I have this tendency to fall hard for things, for people that I can never have…, So I guess this is not even about you.. but all about me…, just longing eternally for dreams that in reality are wasting the best parts of me… But I am a bird.., I see too much to believe in.., You can’t fault me.., I am a dreamer, I will only reach for the stars and for what I see can fill me.’

‘ Listen Joe.., don’t do this…, you are making me feel all bad now…, first of , we are miles apart…, I prefer him okay.., I love him completely…, He completes me…, I can’t stay a day without thinking about him…, He is constantly on my mind… He wants to introduce me to his parents the next time they are here , The thing that I love the most about him is his heart…, He texts me throughout the day and we talk about everything and anything.., I can see my future with him.. my life makes more sense with him..,

‘ Mhmm.. I can understand… whatever I feel for you.. You feel for him..except in your case it’s mutual…, and don’t for a minute think that I can’t sense how organized and calculated you were when you bagged him. I mean for real…? Is that love …? A series of calculations..? Requirements…? Are your feelings just turning up a little bit too much…? What’s God to a non-believer… who don’t believe in anything..? That’s you right there honey bun..!

‘ Now there you go quoting Kanye again…, and I am not calculated by the way…, just because I don’t feel something for you does not in any way make what I feel fake.., stop calling me babe and honey.., stop it please…, it’s a little too much.’

” Oh yeah, and just how did you fall for this guy…? I asked bitterly, ‘ I was the one who saw you first, I just didn’t say it out loud because I knew that you were way too good for me, I knew that you were way over my league and I also knew that I wouldn’t even be acknowledged and experienced by you…!, and then some punk who you just felt for a second becomes your Mister forever and the perfect Christian hunkalicious beau just perfect for the Post Wedding album just because he asked you out…? Is this for the fulfillment of your day dreams…? And for a great start in life….? Just what is this love…? Huh…? Falling for perfect, unbroken people with no darkness and scars…? Are you even sure that he even needs love..? This romantic love seems selfish doesn’t it..? Designed too much for one’s own self esteem and not for someone who truly desperately needs and wants it right…? I don’t know if he needs you in the same way that I do.., He seems way too perfect…, Too good to sound true.., I want you for more than your looks okay..? I love your heart… your soul… I will always make you feel loved…, I may not have much and believe me that will definitely turn you away from me…, but I am more than my circumstances.., and just when is love supposed to be about material prosperity and success…? Isn’t it supposed to transcend and overcome all such impermanent things..?”

‘ You know how I know that I really really feel something for you… ?’ I typed to her.

” Please enlighten me Mister Philosopher” she quipped with a caustic text just ripe with indignance. She was probably fuming by now, She was cute when she became indignant.., My sweet perfect muse, my sweet addiction… my paramore.., my light, my hold and hand that lifts me up from the dark. My dream that gives life to my heart and my soul… the day dream that will fizzle, the infatuation whose existence is taking it’s final few breaths…, the last dream before the maiden from realityville

” This pain.., This intense pain in which is the essence of my human misery… this pain of being stupidly, impulsively wrong… of wasting my love on the wrong person…, or rather expressing it’s intensity, it’s purity and it’s innocence to someone uncapable feeling it’s beauty and not open to feel …. you know the last person who told me that she loved me left me with blood stains on the floor.., even as I lay bleeding…, all that she wanted to do was do what was right for her… Funny how the rules keep changing when we want something eh…? We are more than willing to ease up if we can get a package deal right..? Like great family background.., great looks.., Oh you love him for his faith…? Right…, I’m sure that your attraction has little do with his faith right..? I’m sure He will automatically become the angel that fell from heaven.., or the only one in a billion who just saw you when the rest didn’t right..? Baby I ball so hard that I ain’t even supposed to be here..tick tock”

” What’s with the tick tock dude…?” She asked in what seemed like the crunching of cereals even as the radio demonstrated a never fading voice of static and ill electric snickers.

” You are now watching the throne, Don’t let me get into my zone,
The stars are in the building.., their hands are into the ceiling, I know that I am going to kill it,
Don’t let me into my zone…?” …..Kanye West feat Jay- Z’s Ni** in Paris…?” I asked her in mock horror.” Plus my time with you is limited right…?” I typed

” Tell me, Tell me… Is it his youthful exuberance..? Shall I induct him into the hall of fame as the only star that stirred up all your feminine flames…? He must be an asteroid about to impact your galaxy’s blueprint..? I don’t care what metaphoric role that you have created for this krypton of my soul.., I don’t care.., I really really don’t… But like I said.., I am an invisible man … My honesty is really brutal…, I am a doodler of unresolved, unsymmetrical poems.., an artist of epic emotional short stories…, What do I gotta do to get through to you..? I am an elevator between your soul and mine. Please understand your discrimination.., You are discriminating against me by not making your mind about me.., I know that you all spend enough time thinking and analyzing every tiny little detail. But uh oh.., have I forgotten my place and become an assassin and an indecent, hulking piece of rock..? He is probably in your dreams.. in the songs that you listen to or pick… or in the movies that remind you of yourself. Pardon me I am really just being ironic.” I typed without thought.

” Joe…, I really like you .. okay…? I do.., I just owe it to myself to see where this leads.., I am not one to give up on something that I started alright..? And it’s not like we are perfect.., we are still trying to figure stuff out…” She typed even as her carefully guarded secrets spilled out into the open.

” I am not afraid…, I am not alone…, I can get through whatever ruin you bring with your rejection…, I don’t give a damn about what you think.. I am doing this for me.., I am tearing down all your denials and creating a road past you.., staring today.., I am breaking out of my cage and facing my demons.. I am so fed up of just being addicted to you when you don’t even care about what happens to me.., but I get it.., it’s rude to ask all of this from someone who feels nothing for me.. Nothing… get it.. NOTHING.. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING…! I am with myself for better or worse, You deserve a chance at happiness I guess…, Everybody has got a price…, I am leaving you because you know only to treat me with indifference and a lack of emotion, when all I want from you are kisses, endless conversations and endless hours. So Goodbye dear soul whom I loved as my own. Until our paths collide.” I typed as I prepared my heart for the plunge into the nightmarish world of pain and insomnia.

” Don’t do this…, I need you too.., Why can’t we be friends…? ” She typed to a dead space of online paper.

What we really need in this life

Standard

Everybody seems to be interested in the external necessities of life.. The statuses, the relationships with attractive girls, the sophisticated modern luxuries – urban and suburban in nature, the cool hanging out spots that need social network likes and jealousy, the flaunting of material wealth, the flaunting of privileged living, the need to update parts of our lives that are independent, fun appearing and freedom preaching…, we are all similar in this regard, we need to feel validated and appreciated by our fellow men, we want to compete with them, provoke them and often let them see us for who we wish we can be or who we really can be or are in many cases.

It is like we have this innate desire to advertise our life – including myself , when all of us have normal, simple and very ordinary lives beneath it all. Despite the glamorization of our hobbies, our lives, our travel and our passions. Many constantly confuse this as the answers to the intrinsic needs of our spirit – We are indomitable, immortal spirits trapped in lifeless, immortal souls which are further trapped in alive and fleshly bodies.. The spirit can find no happiness and rest in this world, and in its people.. Only Jesus can bring life to our spirits that are dry, desperate and in an intense need for meaning and purpose… Friends The true needs of life are those that are inward, our needs cry out to us always.., we have just not learned to discern them… Wanting us to engage in something more stable, lasting, truthful and deeper than impulsive one night stands, stagnant casual relationships, crazed clubbing and alcoholic binges… Happiness is deeper when experienced with it’s creator, Christ made the claim that He was the very author of Life.. Imagine that..! Joy is more profound when it is offered after trials, or offered in exchange for something as feeble, uninspiring and dull as our prayers…God has a strange way of replying to our indignant demands, our weaknesses and unrefined, inarticulate prayers and attempts… He offers us a piece of Himself into our hearts.. What a generous, magnanimous Savior who takes away our own rot and filth and instead creates products that imitate Himself.. We are fooling ourselves if we believe that happiness can be found in the world.. Yes there is happiness.. but the world exacts a price on your soul for it’s claims to Happiness.. The World creates unhealthy addictions, unrealistic expectations, unhealthy ideas, selfish ambitions, success crazed lives that seldom stop in their craving for power, recognition and searching for the ultimate high…, emotional routes towards romance, sexual obsession, a need for attention, pride and arrogance… We are often the very creators of subtle social evils that we propagate without the heart of Christ… But dear friend, the truth that I have found is that it is better to lose everything that we have ever known and find the true meaning of Life, which is to Know Christ.. than to spend all our time, our resources, our lives in pursuit of that which takes us from our poverty, our social and financial poverty but is of no use in the grand scheme of things… Know Christ dear friends.. Seek Him Zealously.. He is a great lover of passion and zeal, He loves all those who take the minimal effort of seeking Him… Nobody on this planet seems interested in discovering God.. When He is unwittingly at the heart of it all, one day you will stand before Him, and in the words of Pastor Rick Warren, you are not going to be asked about your amazing success stories, or that awesome bungee jump in Indonesia, or the massive list of sexual conquests, or that amazing office room that you were given when you were promoted.., God does care about how you use your talents.. but He wants to be the driving force dear friends.. otherwise talents are used very selfishly and do little to no good at impacting people and their lives.. On that terrifying day which I have always feared since the beginning.. I believe His list of questions might go this way..

He is going to ask us if we made the world better..? Did we love people..? Did we ever take the time to find Christ who is the very quest of all Human life..? Did we love those who are different from us..? Did we feed the poor..? Did we provide to our children who were rebellious, arrogant and demanding..? Did we pray for our beloved ..? Did we speak about the incredible treasures and riches of God and did we even share Him with our closest friends and brothers..? Was all that we were concerned about in this life ourselves..? Did we do anything to change our own selfishness..? Were we there for others..? These lists and question types scare me too… Since I can be very selfish with my energy, my time and my life.., but they give me purpose and a vision of how my life should be driven and what matters the most… Which is very contradictory to what the world preaches and extols.. and that is why I suggest that each of you find and seek Christ as though your life depends on it because it really does…!

The Grand Weaver – A witness

Standard

I often find myself wondering. How on earth did I reach the place that I am at right now..? Me with my filthy habits that have hampered my personal, spiritual, creative and professional growth, my miserable life choices that led to immense pain in other people and their lives, my fall into alcohol, drugs and a dark depression that never allowed me to live a peaceful day in my life…, I have struggled with suicidal thoughts for years…., I have battled feelings of fear, inferiority and self hatred for years… Explaining my life to people often leaves them shaking their heads in merriment, they think to themselves… “Look at the exaggeration.., the lies.. and the excellent over dramatic presentation that he uses in order to pad up his so called witness… We knew him all along, he was no such thing”.. they seem to say – Such foolish self absorbed hypocrites these fools often are who always want the spotlight on themselves..Lol.. I have never met people who have ever like really listened to me.. Like know who the real me is.. I can count an ex lover, a few select friends, my parents, my pesky sister( who has always had my back and seems to have an uncanny understanding of me along with my mother) and my beloved doggy in that list of people who seem to be interested in grasping the very personal part of me…, there are usually time periods of interest and then they resort to their former nature of being interested only in themselves..I am not exactly depressed that people have not understood me… I have always done my own thing and not pushed myself on others, I have learned to be bossy but I have no clue about how to be controlling or bossy by nature or instinct… I have tremendous weaknesses in my life but I lack a social sense.. All that I am, I have learned either through experience or through careful observation and self examination.. Within myself I am entirely comfortable and without any qualms.. I can spend years alone and not feel bad about a thing….In my life, I have met many Pharisees and Self centered individuals who have often times knowingly and unknowingly damaged my soft heart.. Being the fighter that I am, I struggled and battled the pain on my own, attempting to create something beautiful out of my pain…But the burden was too much… Since I was placed in toxic and difficult places constantly…, By God’s exceptional Grace… He graciously intervened and took me into His flock. Through long hours of encountering His Patience, His unconditional love, His gentleness, His Fantastic Friendship, His Pure love for me without any expectations… I have become confident that He does love me.. although I still doubt the whys and expect Him to give up on me soon.
I feel ashamed often to stand as if I actually belong in Christ’s Kingdom.. I have always felt that there are people with far better credentials than mine such as Obedience, Devotion, Holiness and Personal Growth in their life… They seem more disciplined in their walk, they seem more in control of their moral nature ( something that I have trouble turning off), They actually have the assurance that they will reach Heaven.. Not me though, I have terrific doubts about my entry …Ha ha ha. Each day is a battle with darkness and my own mortality… ..But I mean that in all seriousness, I often check my mom’s place in the bed at midnight to make sure that the Rapture has not happened yet… We will see how it goes.
But In my life, I have understood that I don’t need to compare myself with another person since life is drastically different in another heart, another soul and in another mind.. So many things push us into waters that we are not often choosing from… We all have different ambitions, drives and ways of approaching life.. I questioned things, I spent a lot of time in Day Dreams, Imagination, books, ideas and seeking Knowledge… I found everything interesting.., I kept diaries to pen down my growth, I wrote bad poems that lacked form, rhythm, rhyme.., I loved Life.., Nature.. Love.. Books.. Sports.. Passions have always ruled my life and will always do so.. Whereas they had the strength, the concentration and the will to power themselves to be acceptable in society’s eyes..and to achieve crucial steps that provided a comfortable, lucrative and a happening life. I have no desire to be like them and I find the same feeling reflected often, although I can sense a few of them respect me for being brave at taking major risks in my life. I love my friends, in my own way.. I have never been envious of their success, I have felt bad that I have not been a better son to my parents since they often desire the same things from me…But apart from that, I enjoy helping people.. Counselling them… Using opportunities to share Christ… Studying with feverish obsession the gospel, theology, culture, music, movies.. Anything to promote my Lord.. I am here to do.. Anything to help further His cause here on our tremendously, indifferent world I am here to do… Although such choices bring me tremendous pressures, anxieties, pain and suffering… I am humbled by the opportunity.. I count it an honor and a privilege…All of these would not have been possible if it were not for encountering Christ who helped me see that my life was important to Him… He spoke to me in His word that I was His…What a great incomprehensible joy..!! What royalty a lowly, stuttering, stage fright containing, shy, dreamy and awkward kid is offered..!! Whenever I see my wealthy, well settled Classmates from both schools.. I find it disheartening that I have abandoned my ambition of proving them wrong for every insult and rude attack on a shy kid once upon a time.. Every rejection and bad word.. I wanted to repay with power, material prosperity and achievements.. It fueled me for years… , I never forgot the way in which it made me feel… But , when I met Christ…. I saw that it was making me go to darker depths.. Rage.. Envy.. Greed…, It was eating away at the character that I have always prided myself on having.. Everything fell into place…, I was able to forgive them even though they might never know their part in my life’s story.. It’s okay .., they did not know any better.. They have troubles too.. Nobody in this life is exempt…Everything that I am.. I owe it all to Christ…, I don’t know if I will make it to Heaven, that is not my reason or my agenda in serving the King of Kings.. I am here as a loyal dog with flaws and weaknesses to partake in His work.. but it is a true honor to serve Him and to know Him in this lifetime.., He has enriched my existence in ways and dimensions that I am yet to perceive.., He drives me, fuels me and makes me want to be better than what I used to be.. I am not there yet, but I am slowly reaching there…, I hope Ill be there.. I have my friend always cheering me on…, believing in me… I hope that He does not run out of patience.. Since I can be a terrible learner.
I am telling you this with joy dear friends… Every bad choice, every mistake and every debacle.. The Long long years of unfruitful living.. Of being repressed, not having people to listen to my pain.. Not willing to share myself with everyone… God has used them to anoint me, to fill me and use to reach people who have never known the depths of His love… I viewed myself as a complete failure, and I wanted to kill myself.. I was tormented by the thought that I could not repay people for the evil that they did to me… Writing me off like I can’t fight back.. For a major part of my life I have always believed that others were far better than me… It was very late in my life that I decided to battle such a lie…, I still have the humility to acknowledge the uniqueness of others and their gifts.. but I know who I am right now…. In Christ I am infinite, otherworldly wise, cared for and deeply nourished and love… so my strength comes from being at peace with who I am… My current life has its everyday wars, battles, struggles, temptations, pressures… I mess up often… I struggle to be who He wants me to be.. But I enjoy being Like Him… It seems to offer hope in dark places.. It makes the world a magical, lovely and beautiful place.

I gain victory in Christ.. He uses every damage and darkness to change me, His methods are unorthodox, unconventional, strange at times, severe at times and fearsome at times.. But He is always battling with me, testing me, refining me.. Never giving up on me.. A worthless loser.. A somebody that nobody ever took the time to know and befriend… Taking wondrous care in creating a product that is every bit as selfless, genuine, deep, compassionate and sacrificing as He is.He can do the same to you.. He can change your life.. He can lift you up from Hell’s dark depths.. He will heal you of every lie that Satan has been feeding you with over the years.. “Poor family, Bad looks, No confidence, Finish off your family loans by yourself.. nobody will ever help you.. You can’t make a difference… You are going to Hell…” … He can be your everything as He is to me… In all honesty, I am not worried that I don’t have a Facebook dp that has a European continent in the background, I am not sad that I won’t marry the girl of my dreams that I fantasized about for years on end and missed out on in college.., I am not sad that everybody that I have ever known rarely understands the real me.., I am not sad that I don’t have albums of photos at world famous places… I am not sad that I have given up on my ambitions.. I got everything that I will ever need in Christ..Nothing compares to Knowing Him… Absolutely Nothing… He alone is enough for me.

Loner Diaries – Cloudy skies in June

Standard

My mother has always possessed the knack for giving me profound one liners out of the blue… that just jarr me awake from some mindless conscious slumber… and into the depths of a question that I may have picked up subconsciously in my encounters with existence in a place that I can’t fathom, much less comprehend in words that make sense… I seem to always be on a quest to find answers…to seek riches in impoverished hearts.. to find stories in plain, barren landscapes.. I fumble and search in my own inner rooms for answers… The question seems to be formed by encountering the raw, unfiltered, unapologetic assailing flood of reality…, my soul which finds hope in purpose, reason and affirmations immediately breaks in its inner most parts the moment evil, darkness and brokenness seeps in through such disguises…, I need to throw my weakness headlong into the feet of Christ to even have a chance of surviving this maddening, hurting world.. He remains my strength, my confidence, my courage and my only Hope and Faith.

My Ma told me that animals have voices that are not heard, and that we have to hear them and treat them right…. They are ‘Vai illadha jeevangal’ in Tamil, which translates to ‘Hearts(Life) without Mouths’… She told me that after I became frustrated when my 2 year old pup had gleefully torn apart my expensive head phones…, I love dogs.. I love cats.. Parrots… Crows.. Eagles( My personal Favorite- My personality is a lot like an Eagle), Owls.. basically any sort of animal – wild, domestic or abandoned.. I love them all… It is my dream to build a shelter for them along with a shelter for the homeless…, I love dogs especially.. I have spent a whole lot of time with them… Street doggy’s …. Other’s Pets… Personal Pets… Dogs are always so passionate … Just like me… They fall in love with you without ever enquiring about your College education, or status or looks…They are so alive, full of life and in the present that I take great joy in observing them up close whenever I can… I learn so much about my relationship with my Lord by seeing the playfulness, the indignant defiance of my Pup and the wrong choices that she routinely makes…But I can’t ever seem to be angry with her for a long while… Even though I seem to have a different type of a reply to hurt these days. I either feel resigned or take it way too deeply, my Dog sees the best of me because she just enjoys every bit of me .. In her eyes I am her Master.. A privilege, a joy and a soulfully powerful passion… I am just blown away by such deep emotions from an animal that people often take for granted.., it’s hard to feel angry at someone( human or animal) who does that… but with people they are not so easy.. Their actions feels like a rip into my very soul although I never show it on the outside. I can’t understand such grown up changes in my heart.. I was bulletproof for a while, not anymore.. Although I am quite grounded and mature in my responses, I don’t like being treated a particular way.. and that is what I routinely get.. Consciously and unconsciously… But Christ helps me cope, to deal with negativity and to deal with my own negativity, sinfulness and my personal nonsense.

We recently hired a wonderful individual who is both deaf and dumb, and that is where my mom’s dialogue helped, the one about being sensitive towards the differently abled… I see everything through dreamy eyes.. I view her as a different type of a super hero…, One who is entrenched in a past that has made her silent.. a secret that has to be found, and she can only relate or communicate in deep symbols and art…But in real life she has such an infectious personality, life just seems to throb within her… She is very expressive, bright and easily distracted. I have to manage her, an accountant and other vibrant, forceful personalities at work… She has got me thinking a lot.., I am careful to communicate with her everyday on a small basis… I tell her Hi every morning, I inquire about her life.., I ask her stuff about her Faith.. , but I stay afar… since I have to manage her…, I was one of the important people who vouched for more diversity in our Ministry.. Our organization has a unique vision and mind set, and it is my job to guard, act and preserve the heart of Christ on which it was founded upon… My prayers for dedicated individuals who wish to serve the Lord full time seems to have been answered, she is quite efficient in her work and rarely complains…. But I am drawn to the complexity of the situation, I feel terribly sad that she can never ever enjoy some of the everyday benefits that I just take for granted. Like listening to people speak… or listen to music, or even have the ability to just speak back…But I guess that that’s not her take on things… She is blissfully unaware or appears to be oblivious to such perceptions… In a way she is no different from me… I enjoy being mute from the world of people who just speak for the sake of it…, I wonder what goes on in her mind.. I wonder how she sees someone … I love Christ because He seemed to treat everybody the same way but was also highly receptive and loving in his treatment of them… I guess only a reject, an outsider and an outcast like me would understand what acceptance really entails, especially from an invisible man whose love exceeds all human imagination. I have a huge responsibility to share the Christ that I know with her, chiefly through actions… although I have no genius ideas at the moment…  I feel protective like an elder brother, at times like a boss who has to manage her more unformed business side…, communicating is hard because I don’t want her to feel odd when I can’t understand some gesture that she makes… but I am learning.. I have known two other people as special as her… I have a little experience with Mentally Retarded Children.., I am bringing all of that up as if it will help me pad by stats, I don’t say that to impress… I am just curious about their lives… but I want to desperately help as many people as I can… But I don’t know how.. I am a shy, introverted guy who finds companionship in books, dreams, poetry and thoughts. But I am learning that Christ just wants passionate willing hearts ready to serve.
She has settled well…, but I must be more aware of taking an extra effort to be nice to her and never make her feel what millions probably made her feel. Only God can help me in this exercise..I see nothing different about her and me…, Speaking and Sounds are overrated… In all reality I would switch places with her in an instant.. and I would probably love it… But I love what the love of God has done in my life… I am often turned off by the rigid passages of the Bible.., but I know that this special love for the different, for the lowly, the rejected and the forgotten…, for the broken comes from my Lord and Savior… I randomly held the hands of a wandering lady at the beach and told her that I would pray for her…, She seemed irritated by my action which I found endearing.. But I insisted.. She does not know the love inherent in Prayer…, I am not emotionally charged or hyped about this radical part… I know the strain, the stresses and the darkness of dealing with spirits who are anything but normal in certain aspects and very normal in others. But I am driven by the passion of serving Christ and I want to do more… it is causing problems chiefly because I live a very simple, pleasant life… I want to abandon all of my comforts and go to places where I am needed, but I guess I am where I am needed the most.

The creative mind is often times reflective of the heart’s life, and my heart is overwhelmed right now.. I couldn’t record my show today.., and I miss Basketball.., I have to wait another three weeks before I can play…, and I feel it’s impact on my heart… It feels slow, irritable, resistant, uncontrollable and lost… I can’t understand or grasp the intricacies of the deep of the night, or find nuances, emotions or color hues in the farthest corner of the night skies…, I find an inability to connect to my deepest soul at the moment, I worry immediately… I have a lot to say, to think, to feel and to ponder upon… I play music.. It’s okay when the words won’t come … He is nearby.. I have someone who knows how to get me… I can sit by His feet all night long…, He knows me. He is my favorite, there isn’t anything I cannot talk to Him about… Jazz, art, life, love, music, soul… His eternal heart has intuition that is infinite, a love for me that seems heavenly and beyond earthly measures and standards… And.. most importantly.. He is always there for me.. Always.

I wonder often if I am wasting my heart’s desires on temporary mirages, glamorous dead ends and seductive prisons and damaging illusions…. I know I am… , I enjoy chases… but seldom have I caught up with what I have chased with all my heart…Everyone that I care for seem to fall short.. or just plain leave…My choices still seem intent on wasting what I have gained in the pursuit of what I should not be after…, I try my best to be who God wants me to be… but I am still short.. Real short.. If I died today… Hell is where my eternal resting place would be.. which is ironic since there is no rest in Hell.

I have had bouts where I have cried and cried, my soul has felt the intense loneliness of an indifferent universe… My tears flowed from the deepest parts of my heart .. My tears remind me that I have a heart that needs more than just human companionship which I falsely thought was the cure.., my tears help me see that my hurt can be dealt with through just grieving deeply … I began to enjoy my self inflicted damage… I enjoyed seeing myself as a failure… as a wash out… and as someone incapable of Hope… But I had a warrior in my heart too… I hated giving up in real life … but I had nobody that seemed to connect to who I really was… I lost myself in my darkness and shied away from the light… I had no rest…I used to feel that it was my pain that truly helped my soul to write and to be who I was.. Pain was often my refuge… Loneliness used to be another refuge.., Sadness another.. Melancholy another…., I have stayed away from human contact for one full year and many years inbetween… I have closed and sealed off rooms from all things that reminded me of human existence, presence and contact…, I have dwelt in deep dark gloom, I have known the pain of others which I have worshiped as my own.. I don’t know how the light has become a part of my life… I used to enjoy the darkness.. but these days the light is what I crave, need and long for.

I can’t forget my past…, I have messed up.., I have directly messed up people’s lives… I have been impulsive, stupid and foolish… I have wasted major portions of my life… I have made millions of wrong choices… How did I get it all wrong despite being incredibly sensitive, naive and mindful of people, their hearts and their lives…? I haven’t acted out in anger against the tens of hundreds of people who directly hurt me…, I can’t deal with what I did wrong since I have this nature of just checking off all angles, layers, possibilities and choices before engaging in a choice. I can’t deal with the shame.. the sadness.. the anger that it causes in my heart… since I stand for truth and justice even if it hurts my public image, my self image and my heart. But Christ forgave what was wrong in my heart, He healed what I could never forget.. I still find myself haunted and reminded of my past.., its hurts and it’s pain… But I find the intensity bearable, tolerable and manageable. I guess it takes a great sinner to know the great mercy of Christ.

“Beautiful the mess we are.. We pour out our miseries and God just hears a melody” croons Amy Grant in my heart… reaching straight for my heart.. and I must agree… He is creating a melody through my life.. A light against the seemingly insurmountable darkness…, and a joy in the midst of agony, screams and distress…, a strength in moments of storms and despair.. But I am afraid.. that I will fail miserably and never be who He intended me to be. Lord… I hope you are listening.