I often find myself wondering. How on earth did I reach the place that I am at right now..? Me with my filthy habits that have hampered my personal, spiritual, creative and professional growth, my miserable life choices that led to immense pain in other people and their lives, my fall into alcohol, drugs and a dark depression that never allowed me to live a peaceful day in my life…, I have struggled with suicidal thoughts for years…., I have battled feelings of fear, inferiority and self hatred for years… Explaining my life to people often leaves them shaking their heads in merriment, they think to themselves… “Look at the exaggeration.., the lies.. and the excellent over dramatic presentation that he uses in order to pad up his so called witness… We knew him all along, he was no such thing”.. they seem to say – Such foolish self absorbed hypocrites these fools often are who always want the spotlight on themselves..Lol.. I have never met people who have ever like really listened to me.. Like know who the real me is.. I can count an ex lover, a few select friends, my parents, my pesky sister( who has always had my back and seems to have an uncanny understanding of me along with my mother) and my beloved doggy in that list of people who seem to be interested in grasping the very personal part of me…, there are usually time periods of interest and then they resort to their former nature of being interested only in themselves..I am not exactly depressed that people have not understood me… I have always done my own thing and not pushed myself on others, I have learned to be bossy but I have no clue about how to be controlling or bossy by nature or instinct… I have tremendous weaknesses in my life but I lack a social sense.. All that I am, I have learned either through experience or through careful observation and self examination.. Within myself I am entirely comfortable and without any qualms.. I can spend years alone and not feel bad about a thing….In my life, I have met many Pharisees and Self centered individuals who have often times knowingly and unknowingly damaged my soft heart.. Being the fighter that I am, I struggled and battled the pain on my own, attempting to create something beautiful out of my pain…But the burden was too much… Since I was placed in toxic and difficult places constantly…, By God’s exceptional Grace… He graciously intervened and took me into His flock. Through long hours of encountering His Patience, His unconditional love, His gentleness, His Fantastic Friendship, His Pure love for me without any expectations… I have become confident that He does love me.. although I still doubt the whys and expect Him to give up on me soon.
I feel ashamed often to stand as if I actually belong in Christ’s Kingdom.. I have always felt that there are people with far better credentials than mine such as Obedience, Devotion, Holiness and Personal Growth in their life… They seem more disciplined in their walk, they seem more in control of their moral nature ( something that I have trouble turning off), They actually have the assurance that they will reach Heaven.. Not me though, I have terrific doubts about my entry …Ha ha ha. Each day is a battle with darkness and my own mortality… ..But I mean that in all seriousness, I often check my mom’s place in the bed at midnight to make sure that the Rapture has not happened yet… We will see how it goes.
But In my life, I have understood that I don’t need to compare myself with another person since life is drastically different in another heart, another soul and in another mind.. So many things push us into waters that we are not often choosing from… We all have different ambitions, drives and ways of approaching life.. I questioned things, I spent a lot of time in Day Dreams, Imagination, books, ideas and seeking Knowledge… I found everything interesting.., I kept diaries to pen down my growth, I wrote bad poems that lacked form, rhythm, rhyme.., I loved Life.., Nature.. Love.. Books.. Sports.. Passions have always ruled my life and will always do so.. Whereas they had the strength, the concentration and the will to power themselves to be acceptable in society’s eyes..and to achieve crucial steps that provided a comfortable, lucrative and a happening life. I have no desire to be like them and I find the same feeling reflected often, although I can sense a few of them respect me for being brave at taking major risks in my life. I love my friends, in my own way.. I have never been envious of their success, I have felt bad that I have not been a better son to my parents since they often desire the same things from me…But apart from that, I enjoy helping people.. Counselling them… Using opportunities to share Christ… Studying with feverish obsession the gospel, theology, culture, music, movies.. Anything to promote my Lord.. I am here to do.. Anything to help further His cause here on our tremendously, indifferent world I am here to do… Although such choices bring me tremendous pressures, anxieties, pain and suffering… I am humbled by the opportunity.. I count it an honor and a privilege…All of these would not have been possible if it were not for encountering Christ who helped me see that my life was important to Him… He spoke to me in His word that I was His…What a great incomprehensible joy..!! What royalty a lowly, stuttering, stage fright containing, shy, dreamy and awkward kid is offered..!! Whenever I see my wealthy, well settled Classmates from both schools.. I find it disheartening that I have abandoned my ambition of proving them wrong for every insult and rude attack on a shy kid once upon a time.. Every rejection and bad word.. I wanted to repay with power, material prosperity and achievements.. It fueled me for years… , I never forgot the way in which it made me feel… But , when I met Christ…. I saw that it was making me go to darker depths.. Rage.. Envy.. Greed…, It was eating away at the character that I have always prided myself on having.. Everything fell into place…, I was able to forgive them even though they might never know their part in my life’s story.. It’s okay .., they did not know any better.. They have troubles too.. Nobody in this life is exempt…Everything that I am.. I owe it all to Christ…, I don’t know if I will make it to Heaven, that is not my reason or my agenda in serving the King of Kings.. I am here as a loyal dog with flaws and weaknesses to partake in His work.. but it is a true honor to serve Him and to know Him in this lifetime.., He has enriched my existence in ways and dimensions that I am yet to perceive.., He drives me, fuels me and makes me want to be better than what I used to be.. I am not there yet, but I am slowly reaching there…, I hope Ill be there.. I have my friend always cheering me on…, believing in me… I hope that He does not run out of patience.. Since I can be a terrible learner.
I am telling you this with joy dear friends… Every bad choice, every mistake and every debacle.. The Long long years of unfruitful living.. Of being repressed, not having people to listen to my pain.. Not willing to share myself with everyone… God has used them to anoint me, to fill me and use to reach people who have never known the depths of His love… I viewed myself as a complete failure, and I wanted to kill myself.. I was tormented by the thought that I could not repay people for the evil that they did to me… Writing me off like I can’t fight back.. For a major part of my life I have always believed that others were far better than me… It was very late in my life that I decided to battle such a lie…, I still have the humility to acknowledge the uniqueness of others and their gifts.. but I know who I am right now…. In Christ I am infinite, otherworldly wise, cared for and deeply nourished and love… so my strength comes from being at peace with who I am… My current life has its everyday wars, battles, struggles, temptations, pressures… I mess up often… I struggle to be who He wants me to be.. But I enjoy being Like Him… It seems to offer hope in dark places.. It makes the world a magical, lovely and beautiful place.
I gain victory in Christ.. He uses every damage and darkness to change me, His methods are unorthodox, unconventional, strange at times, severe at times and fearsome at times.. But He is always battling with me, testing me, refining me.. Never giving up on me.. A worthless loser.. A somebody that nobody ever took the time to know and befriend… Taking wondrous care in creating a product that is every bit as selfless, genuine, deep, compassionate and sacrificing as He is.He can do the same to you.. He can change your life.. He can lift you up from Hell’s dark depths.. He will heal you of every lie that Satan has been feeding you with over the years.. “Poor family, Bad looks, No confidence, Finish off your family loans by yourself.. nobody will ever help you.. You can’t make a difference… You are going to Hell…” … He can be your everything as He is to me… In all honesty, I am not worried that I don’t have a Facebook dp that has a European continent in the background, I am not sad that I won’t marry the girl of my dreams that I fantasized about for years on end and missed out on in college.., I am not sad that everybody that I have ever known rarely understands the real me.., I am not sad that I don’t have albums of photos at world famous places… I am not sad that I have given up on my ambitions.. I got everything that I will ever need in Christ..Nothing compares to Knowing Him… Absolutely Nothing… He alone is enough for me.