Traces – Poem

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Traces of me are in the sins that I fall into,
parts of me gloriously revealed in the tragedy of sin.
I am a mess of epic proportions.
My sins are the gloomy streets leading to perdition.
My sins are the dark dungeons of cursed apartments,
neglected, and deeply unmoving,
I am wasting time,
I am losing sight of God,
it’s not easy to pack God offered salvation into the life of a dreamer seeing more, feeling more and broken more,
addicted to pleasure but fighting minute by minute to overcome it, addicted to control because of the constant everyday rejection…but seeking a mythical release of power.
My knees hurt from kneeling, I am sick and tired from all the spiritual hurting,
You can erase all the mistakes, be forgiven by God of all the darkness, but there is a price to pay for all the reckless indulging. Sin corrupts your soul and wrecks your call, pushes away your blessings and creates immense separation from God.
But there is hope for me yet, I am not yet dead and gone,
an inner voice calls, to repent, to start afresh and to overcome,
behold, the voice of my Savior, unmoved by my tragic sins,
concerned solely in delivering me from their evil intentions,
Lo, Lord, here I come.

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My beautiful, sweet mess – Short Poem

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How strange this desire to want, need, thirst for and crave someone…?
Tell me where can I take shelter from this obsessive pressure..?
I want to run away from this crazy heart that I possess,
Run like Joseph did from Potiphar’s wife.
Do you wanna know why..?

There is a reason I am pouring out my heart to you listener with a seeking heart,
because I am afraid for what it has done unto me in the past,
it has left marks and scars where formerly dreams used to hide.
My eyes, they don’t see colors anymore,
I am a man who now shuns his eyes.

I am afraid to desire her,
I know that I want her,
but you see, that is the problem.
I had convinced myself that I needn’t care.
I have come past ghouls and horrors that once tortured my soul.
Dreamer that I am, I suffered reality’s cruel strikes,
Demons played and wrecked a tremendous destruction upon my soul.
Dragging me even unto the gates of death.
But my curse seems to pull me into complicated situations that are full of
wreckage and mindless abandonment.

She has another,
Everything that I feel for her,
this intensity, this deep desire of my soul to possess her soul,
She feels for somebody else,
You know that I can’t bear a truth such as that,
How did I get myself into this mess..?
I am not going to psycho analyze every contact with her with my heart’s
detective lens, I know when somebody wants somebody else..,
I really really do.. It hurts like every ache in the universe
has decided to cry.

Why am I staying here, waiting in painful uncertain obliviousness..?
Why do I enjoy this stinging pain of yet another disaster..?
I believe that I enjoy being the martyr..,
I believe that I enjoy the chase, the challenge,
the thrill, and the exhilaration.
I know that I see myself as a hero in hiding, who will pounce upon whoever he believes in his heart is his princess..,
I wonder if I truly do need her..?

A silly infatuation – A short Poem

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I’m reaching out for a hand that I can’t see,
I’m tired of waiting in the dark.
Why am I waiting here..? Expecting you to show up…?
I am surprised to say this,
But I sincerely having nothing to say,
Okay, I am technically talking to myself,
I have not let you know,
I have not said anything to you because I know the
answer, I know how these things work,
I am quite an expert at the one sided variety of romantic delusion.
Whenever I take an attempt,
I find emptiness greet me, I find eyes and hearts not meant to see me
treat my fucking life devouring passion like cold tea,
For once in my life I want someone who truly needs me,
I am tired of staring into invisible walls and unseen thoughts preoccupied with people other than me,
I seriously want to stop wasting my time,
You have taken all the strength from my soul,
but I find that you are gone, I am here only chasing a version of you created by me,
So I guess it’s time to switch off the light to this favorite hobby of mine,
because you are breaking me just a little every time I feel something for you, or think about you, or think without strings attached of having you in my life,
It’s a sad thing that I have loved you with every bit of my heart, but to you I am nothing but someone so desperate that he is not ashamed of being embarrassed by it,
Well so I guess this is goodbye, because I find every reason to feel inspired by you,
every stray thought of you is treated by me as a voice from the universe telling me to
get with you,
But I am then forced to realize that it is but a lousy, reckless dream,
Nobody puts their hearts on the line anymore, people choose comfortable versions to spend the rest of their lives with, I guess so have you,
So I am closing this door with pain, Dear infatuation,
Take care of her, I don’t want to see her live her life,
because I wouldn’t be able to handle it,
I am moving on with denial and repression, so thank you
and Goodbye.

Casual demolition

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Feelings deceive,
It would be better if a man could never feel,
Of what use are our feelings? 
Those who feel intensely are seldom seen..!
Life has a different plan altogether,
I wish my heart could stop and focus on more important things such as my Salvation, My life and what I plan to do about staying away from Hell.
But oh no,  I have to fall into what’s of no use for me, I have to fall for people who feel not a thing for me, I have to bear this pain, this breaking sensitive possession of my heart, brain and soul that invades the essence of moi’ , and begins controlling me by subjecting me to what can never be.
I hate feeling this way,
I hate being here again,
I hate being this way…  I am so sick of ending back in this place time and time again,
I’ve had enough, I’ve been through enough,
I know when I’m not needed, my mind is easy to convince,  it’s my heart that refuses to comply and stop feeling.
In some people’s life you are a speck, in some a short affair and in others a mistake, and in the majority of the cases….  a mere stranger intruding into what has already been constructed and is alive,
I hate this lack of control, I can’t stand this demolition of my heart’s repressed wishes,
Pain creates more poets than love ever did,
Suffering far greater writers than happiness ever did.
Please stop killing me with your irresistibleness, Please cut your ties with me it’s better that way.
I can’t feel differently about you… Believe me I’ve tried, and I don’t want to be some creep that was too desperate and too enthusiastic, yeah I know how that feels like.
This is not me… I’m a silent warrior, I’m at war within…  I don’t have time for this… I got dreams to fulfill, greatness to live upto, struggles to overcome.
As much as I would love for you to feel the same way about me… I hate to beg and I hate to ask when you’re madly in love with somebody else. That’s just plain wrong. I’ve been in this situation too many times before.
So thank you for the casual demolition, I much enjoyed it… My heart’s broken and my life’s at a standstill.
I am sorry I cared, forget it…  it’s much better for me to deal with my terrific wounds and bruises.
Thank you and please don’t visit again.

Glory

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Resistance is within us,
One day the war will be won,
Until then victory will seem afar,
But for now I am called to be a hero. 

For the cross of Christ, 
I am called to war within me,
His blood lifts me to heavenly heights
Even as I battle the fiery urges of Hades within me.
I am a troubled warrior, a meek saint, a timid yet glorious weapon, I am the cause but The power of the Cross is my drug…,
It beckons me on,
I will be sure in the midst of my nerve numbing uncertainties,
I will strive to carry this torch across thousands of miles,
I have the chance to right my evils and all the wrongs committed in my own history,
I will not be defeated by the overpowering might of the darkness ,
Lord make me strong, I am your enemy, 
I need You to drag me to the finish,
I can’t do this on my own,
I serve You and You alone,
I want that Heavenly crown,  I want you to call me a hero,
The day to change is now,
I don’t ever want to ever look back, for my past and my bleeding scars are lethal,
They take my energy and defeat my faith’s heart…
Lord… I need Glory,
I need You,
Drag me to the place where your throne stands

Trouble

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Have you ever felt the cutting sting of misery..? Or felt this persistent harassment of something unseen…? Have you ever felt troubled by something right from the moment that you woke up…? Have you ever lost faith in the Lord and started to wish for a much easier path…?

I have been feeling all of these things over the past few days. No matter the depth of the previous day’s spiritual connection, each day feels like the first day of my faith and I find myself becoming spiritually affected as each day progresses. There are spiritual hurdles in the Christian life that never stop. Satan wishes to drain us emotionally and spiritually, in order for us to lose hope in God and Jesus Christ. There have been days when my cross seems to crush me, the most difficult part of the entire process is that almost all of it is mental. I find myself struggling to find the right words to describe in accuracy the details of whatever it is that I am experiencing, it is so subtle, so invisible, so unpredictable yet familiar that I find myself hurting more from perceived abandonment than from the grief itself, I find myself feeling an everpresent pressure and tension that is constantly .  I find my solid ground disappearing as I find in my personal life I am afflicted by terrible fears that I struggle to overcome. Bits of my recent failure in a public speech haunt me, bits of
nagging hurt over a friend’s comments still remind me every now and then that my passion for a sport is of no use in his high and mighty pharisiaical eyes, reminders of a young kid’s stubborn disrespectful rebelliousness aggravate the idealist within me, struggles of a writer caught up in a aesthetically dry yet spiritually fulfilling career exhausts me, reminders of all the horrific mistakes of my past tell me that I have no right to ever be happy. And on top of that a senior work colleague of mine, recently commented that the only reason I was able to help people was because of my degree in Psychology and not because it’s God’s calling for my life. I sometimes seethe with broken fury for the words uttered without careful thought and understanding. But I can’t have hard feelings about it, nobody is as understanding as the Lord is, in all my years I have rarely come across someone who wishes to listen and understand before talking. These are things that I can handle, the problem is that I feel as though God has to be sought all the time and that angers me on a deep level. I feel like I am doing my best to stick out for Him, and yet He does not speak to me like I wish for Him to. I know that in my heart of hearts that I am being very childish, but can’t a spiritual infant desire the physical presence of His spiritual Father…?

For the past few days I have had loads of people coming to me for spiritual guidance.  These are people who are willing to give up, on the surface they appear normal but in their deep heart they have had enough. I feel their despair deeply, and my heart weeps for the burdens that they have to carry.  I feel like I am crying for people whose tears have stopped and they carry on in hopeless anguish. I know that I have to more communicate warmth and understanding to the people that the Lord sends my than choosing to appear like a wise know it all.

In my own heart there are the usual voices of condemnation that are all set to make me lose faith and courage. I sometimes feel terribly insecure during the counseling process. Do I have all the answers…? What gives me the right to boldly ask people to share their problems with me..? What do I do if I don’t know the answers…? What do I do if I can’t understand what people are troubled by..? Since when have I ever been really good at anything…? But like the rose that broke past the concrete…  I know in my heart that I know, feel and grasp what they are going through in some deep, unknown way…  I just don’t believe that I am good at anything.. Ever.

But I gain hope … I can see past masks and barren plains… This is my calling…  I’m the Lord’s helper.. His humble servant…  I am here to serve Him… To serve others…  And to lean, depend upon and love Him… So I guess that I don’t have answers… But I have ny heart and passion…  I guess that in the end that is what should really matter.. Those are the only things that the Lord asks for! 

My Spirit will not die

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My spirit shall not die,
I will walk thousands of miles,
I will surely live, I will not give up,
be it the gory depths of hell where sinners weep,
or the Holy heights of Heaven where Saints sigh.
But here now, in this earth,
I will fight wars, and be sure,
that no man will reach where I’ve gone
or ever be who I am.
The world is not over,
Victories are won only after
fights are lost, but challenged and then the glory
will come.
Inch by inch, The world won’t know,
But I don’t care for such short sighted wishes,
I am created to be a flaming torch
meant to inspire and give life to what is dead around me.
The day’s symmetry will not change,
reality’s gospel will remain untouched,
but I will live on, and not fear Death herself,
I will live as a spark
in the hearts of men, in the hearts of fighters
and warriors alike… Remembered and
cherished… No shots will down my tribe.
They too will learn to live,
I am here to live… Don’t take away what
rightfully belongs to my soul…!