Trouble

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Have you ever felt the cutting sting of misery..? Or felt this persistent harassment of something unseen…? Have you ever felt troubled by something right from the moment that you woke up…? Have you ever lost faith in the Lord and started to wish for a much easier path…?

I have been feeling all of these things over the past few days. No matter the depth of the previous day’s spiritual connection, each day feels like the first day of my faith and I find myself becoming spiritually affected as each day progresses. There are spiritual hurdles in the Christian life that never stop. Satan wishes to drain us emotionally and spiritually, in order for us to lose hope in God and Jesus Christ. There have been days when my cross seems to crush me, the most difficult part of the entire process is that almost all of it is mental. I find myself struggling to find the right words to describe in accuracy the details of whatever it is that I am experiencing, it is so subtle, so invisible, so unpredictable yet familiar that I find myself hurting more from perceived abandonment than from the grief itself, I find myself feeling an everpresent pressure and tension that is constantly .  I find my solid ground disappearing as I find in my personal life I am afflicted by terrible fears that I struggle to overcome. Bits of my recent failure in a public speech haunt me, bits of
nagging hurt over a friend’s comments still remind me every now and then that my passion for a sport is of no use in his high and mighty pharisiaical eyes, reminders of a young kid’s stubborn disrespectful rebelliousness aggravate the idealist within me, struggles of a writer caught up in a aesthetically dry yet spiritually fulfilling career exhausts me, reminders of all the horrific mistakes of my past tell me that I have no right to ever be happy. And on top of that a senior work colleague of mine, recently commented that the only reason I was able to help people was because of my degree in Psychology and not because it’s God’s calling for my life. I sometimes seethe with broken fury for the words uttered without careful thought and understanding. But I can’t have hard feelings about it, nobody is as understanding as the Lord is, in all my years I have rarely come across someone who wishes to listen and understand before talking. These are things that I can handle, the problem is that I feel as though God has to be sought all the time and that angers me on a deep level. I feel like I am doing my best to stick out for Him, and yet He does not speak to me like I wish for Him to. I know that in my heart of hearts that I am being very childish, but can’t a spiritual infant desire the physical presence of His spiritual Father…?

For the past few days I have had loads of people coming to me for spiritual guidance.  These are people who are willing to give up, on the surface they appear normal but in their deep heart they have had enough. I feel their despair deeply, and my heart weeps for the burdens that they have to carry.  I feel like I am crying for people whose tears have stopped and they carry on in hopeless anguish. I know that I have to more communicate warmth and understanding to the people that the Lord sends my than choosing to appear like a wise know it all.

In my own heart there are the usual voices of condemnation that are all set to make me lose faith and courage. I sometimes feel terribly insecure during the counseling process. Do I have all the answers…? What gives me the right to boldly ask people to share their problems with me..? What do I do if I don’t know the answers…? What do I do if I can’t understand what people are troubled by..? Since when have I ever been really good at anything…? But like the rose that broke past the concrete…  I know in my heart that I know, feel and grasp what they are going through in some deep, unknown way…  I just don’t believe that I am good at anything.. Ever.

But I gain hope … I can see past masks and barren plains… This is my calling…  I’m the Lord’s helper.. His humble servant…  I am here to serve Him… To serve others…  And to lean, depend upon and love Him… So I guess that I don’t have answers… But I have ny heart and passion…  I guess that in the end that is what should really matter.. Those are the only things that the Lord asks for! 

Why do I pray..? – A poem

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Prayer for most of you is a habit, a ritual, a practice for you to feel better.
A last minute after thought that
For me it is therapy, oxygen… Life and sanity.
The Universe, this earth, my country, my state, my street,
I fail to understand it all,
there are way too many dots, too many out of place puzzle pieces,
What one is left with is an enormous mess, a chaos that one has grown used to,
and a murky insensitivity that the heart reacts when its anchor has untethered.

For me it is finding my place of calm,
Exchanging my place of finite instability for God’s infinite stability and power,
Prayer is where I can let go of things that I did not even know I was holding on to,
Most people in life boast about themselves, I do myself,
They say I can’t hold on to anger, I can easily forgive, I don’t keep grudges,
but me on the other hand, I don’t trust myself that easily,
or give away false promises, I know who I am.
I know how evil, sinful and wretched that I can be,
I ask God to give me strength to deal with these glaring errors that occur by nature.
Human nature is limited, and I have known it since forever,
I only want God’s help and strength, I fear my own…
For it leads to pride, unnecessary egoic dictations, power
that only contribute to a false sense of security.

I pray because I need it,
This world is hard for a dreamer and a rebel such as me,
it is my confusion and pain that exerts its wisdom,
it is my hurt and heart that know life’s powers,
I need a strength greater than my own to cope with this madness.
I need God’s friendship often,
because I fail often… I do things that I have promised Him I wouldn’t,
I do things that I despise,
I hurt easily and break without anyone’s knowledge.
I pray because God offers His love freely,
I pray because without God my life has no heart, no love and no good.
I pray because without GOD I am nothing and will become nothing.