Loner Diaries – Cloudy skies in June

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My mother has always possessed the knack for giving me profound one liners out of the blue… that just jarr me awake from some mindless conscious slumber… and into the depths of a question that I may have picked up subconsciously in my encounters with existence in a place that I can’t fathom, much less comprehend in words that make sense… I seem to always be on a quest to find answers…to seek riches in impoverished hearts.. to find stories in plain, barren landscapes.. I fumble and search in my own inner rooms for answers… The question seems to be formed by encountering the raw, unfiltered, unapologetic assailing flood of reality…, my soul which finds hope in purpose, reason and affirmations immediately breaks in its inner most parts the moment evil, darkness and brokenness seeps in through such disguises…, I need to throw my weakness headlong into the feet of Christ to even have a chance of surviving this maddening, hurting world.. He remains my strength, my confidence, my courage and my only Hope and Faith.

My Ma told me that animals have voices that are not heard, and that we have to hear them and treat them right…. They are ‘Vai illadha jeevangal’ in Tamil, which translates to ‘Hearts(Life) without Mouths’… She told me that after I became frustrated when my 2 year old pup had gleefully torn apart my expensive head phones…, I love dogs.. I love cats.. Parrots… Crows.. Eagles( My personal Favorite- My personality is a lot like an Eagle), Owls.. basically any sort of animal – wild, domestic or abandoned.. I love them all… It is my dream to build a shelter for them along with a shelter for the homeless…, I love dogs especially.. I have spent a whole lot of time with them… Street doggy’s …. Other’s Pets… Personal Pets… Dogs are always so passionate … Just like me… They fall in love with you without ever enquiring about your College education, or status or looks…They are so alive, full of life and in the present that I take great joy in observing them up close whenever I can… I learn so much about my relationship with my Lord by seeing the playfulness, the indignant defiance of my Pup and the wrong choices that she routinely makes…But I can’t ever seem to be angry with her for a long while… Even though I seem to have a different type of a reply to hurt these days. I either feel resigned or take it way too deeply, my Dog sees the best of me because she just enjoys every bit of me .. In her eyes I am her Master.. A privilege, a joy and a soulfully powerful passion… I am just blown away by such deep emotions from an animal that people often take for granted.., it’s hard to feel angry at someone( human or animal) who does that… but with people they are not so easy.. Their actions feels like a rip into my very soul although I never show it on the outside. I can’t understand such grown up changes in my heart.. I was bulletproof for a while, not anymore.. Although I am quite grounded and mature in my responses, I don’t like being treated a particular way.. and that is what I routinely get.. Consciously and unconsciously… But Christ helps me cope, to deal with negativity and to deal with my own negativity, sinfulness and my personal nonsense.

We recently hired a wonderful individual who is both deaf and dumb, and that is where my mom’s dialogue helped, the one about being sensitive towards the differently abled… I see everything through dreamy eyes.. I view her as a different type of a super hero…, One who is entrenched in a past that has made her silent.. a secret that has to be found, and she can only relate or communicate in deep symbols and art…But in real life she has such an infectious personality, life just seems to throb within her… She is very expressive, bright and easily distracted. I have to manage her, an accountant and other vibrant, forceful personalities at work… She has got me thinking a lot.., I am careful to communicate with her everyday on a small basis… I tell her Hi every morning, I inquire about her life.., I ask her stuff about her Faith.. , but I stay afar… since I have to manage her…, I was one of the important people who vouched for more diversity in our Ministry.. Our organization has a unique vision and mind set, and it is my job to guard, act and preserve the heart of Christ on which it was founded upon… My prayers for dedicated individuals who wish to serve the Lord full time seems to have been answered, she is quite efficient in her work and rarely complains…. But I am drawn to the complexity of the situation, I feel terribly sad that she can never ever enjoy some of the everyday benefits that I just take for granted. Like listening to people speak… or listen to music, or even have the ability to just speak back…But I guess that that’s not her take on things… She is blissfully unaware or appears to be oblivious to such perceptions… In a way she is no different from me… I enjoy being mute from the world of people who just speak for the sake of it…, I wonder what goes on in her mind.. I wonder how she sees someone … I love Christ because He seemed to treat everybody the same way but was also highly receptive and loving in his treatment of them… I guess only a reject, an outsider and an outcast like me would understand what acceptance really entails, especially from an invisible man whose love exceeds all human imagination. I have a huge responsibility to share the Christ that I know with her, chiefly through actions… although I have no genius ideas at the moment…  I feel protective like an elder brother, at times like a boss who has to manage her more unformed business side…, communicating is hard because I don’t want her to feel odd when I can’t understand some gesture that she makes… but I am learning.. I have known two other people as special as her… I have a little experience with Mentally Retarded Children.., I am bringing all of that up as if it will help me pad by stats, I don’t say that to impress… I am just curious about their lives… but I want to desperately help as many people as I can… But I don’t know how.. I am a shy, introverted guy who finds companionship in books, dreams, poetry and thoughts. But I am learning that Christ just wants passionate willing hearts ready to serve.
She has settled well…, but I must be more aware of taking an extra effort to be nice to her and never make her feel what millions probably made her feel. Only God can help me in this exercise..I see nothing different about her and me…, Speaking and Sounds are overrated… In all reality I would switch places with her in an instant.. and I would probably love it… But I love what the love of God has done in my life… I am often turned off by the rigid passages of the Bible.., but I know that this special love for the different, for the lowly, the rejected and the forgotten…, for the broken comes from my Lord and Savior… I randomly held the hands of a wandering lady at the beach and told her that I would pray for her…, She seemed irritated by my action which I found endearing.. But I insisted.. She does not know the love inherent in Prayer…, I am not emotionally charged or hyped about this radical part… I know the strain, the stresses and the darkness of dealing with spirits who are anything but normal in certain aspects and very normal in others. But I am driven by the passion of serving Christ and I want to do more… it is causing problems chiefly because I live a very simple, pleasant life… I want to abandon all of my comforts and go to places where I am needed, but I guess I am where I am needed the most.

The creative mind is often times reflective of the heart’s life, and my heart is overwhelmed right now.. I couldn’t record my show today.., and I miss Basketball.., I have to wait another three weeks before I can play…, and I feel it’s impact on my heart… It feels slow, irritable, resistant, uncontrollable and lost… I can’t understand or grasp the intricacies of the deep of the night, or find nuances, emotions or color hues in the farthest corner of the night skies…, I find an inability to connect to my deepest soul at the moment, I worry immediately… I have a lot to say, to think, to feel and to ponder upon… I play music.. It’s okay when the words won’t come … He is nearby.. I have someone who knows how to get me… I can sit by His feet all night long…, He knows me. He is my favorite, there isn’t anything I cannot talk to Him about… Jazz, art, life, love, music, soul… His eternal heart has intuition that is infinite, a love for me that seems heavenly and beyond earthly measures and standards… And.. most importantly.. He is always there for me.. Always.

I wonder often if I am wasting my heart’s desires on temporary mirages, glamorous dead ends and seductive prisons and damaging illusions…. I know I am… , I enjoy chases… but seldom have I caught up with what I have chased with all my heart…Everyone that I care for seem to fall short.. or just plain leave…My choices still seem intent on wasting what I have gained in the pursuit of what I should not be after…, I try my best to be who God wants me to be… but I am still short.. Real short.. If I died today… Hell is where my eternal resting place would be.. which is ironic since there is no rest in Hell.

I have had bouts where I have cried and cried, my soul has felt the intense loneliness of an indifferent universe… My tears flowed from the deepest parts of my heart .. My tears remind me that I have a heart that needs more than just human companionship which I falsely thought was the cure.., my tears help me see that my hurt can be dealt with through just grieving deeply … I began to enjoy my self inflicted damage… I enjoyed seeing myself as a failure… as a wash out… and as someone incapable of Hope… But I had a warrior in my heart too… I hated giving up in real life … but I had nobody that seemed to connect to who I really was… I lost myself in my darkness and shied away from the light… I had no rest…I used to feel that it was my pain that truly helped my soul to write and to be who I was.. Pain was often my refuge… Loneliness used to be another refuge.., Sadness another.. Melancholy another…., I have stayed away from human contact for one full year and many years inbetween… I have closed and sealed off rooms from all things that reminded me of human existence, presence and contact…, I have dwelt in deep dark gloom, I have known the pain of others which I have worshiped as my own.. I don’t know how the light has become a part of my life… I used to enjoy the darkness.. but these days the light is what I crave, need and long for.

I can’t forget my past…, I have messed up.., I have directly messed up people’s lives… I have been impulsive, stupid and foolish… I have wasted major portions of my life… I have made millions of wrong choices… How did I get it all wrong despite being incredibly sensitive, naive and mindful of people, their hearts and their lives…? I haven’t acted out in anger against the tens of hundreds of people who directly hurt me…, I can’t deal with what I did wrong since I have this nature of just checking off all angles, layers, possibilities and choices before engaging in a choice. I can’t deal with the shame.. the sadness.. the anger that it causes in my heart… since I stand for truth and justice even if it hurts my public image, my self image and my heart. But Christ forgave what was wrong in my heart, He healed what I could never forget.. I still find myself haunted and reminded of my past.., its hurts and it’s pain… But I find the intensity bearable, tolerable and manageable. I guess it takes a great sinner to know the great mercy of Christ.

“Beautiful the mess we are.. We pour out our miseries and God just hears a melody” croons Amy Grant in my heart… reaching straight for my heart.. and I must agree… He is creating a melody through my life.. A light against the seemingly insurmountable darkness…, and a joy in the midst of agony, screams and distress…, a strength in moments of storms and despair.. But I am afraid.. that I will fail miserably and never be who He intended me to be. Lord… I hope you are listening.

Sensitive – A poem

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We as people have grown so used to groaning at the limitations of others,
Did you know that he came to office late yesterday…? We say.
Did you hear about what he did the other day…? We whisper
Isn’t it funny …? We deal with imperfections by Gossip which we justify as information,
we express bravado when they are not there, when in real life we can’t affect them in the way that they affect us,
If some of us have a temper, we attack, but again, the truth is that we can’t bear what it does to us.
We are defensive about the hurt inflicted on us by others,
we term it disobedience but in all truth, we can’t bear it when someone talks ill of us,
but we all do it, don’t we… Some of us with evil intent, the other just to vent.
When other people mock and scowl at us,
we hurt and linger, but we cover it up and move on like there is no message there,
we offer it way too much power. We forget that we can overcome,
we can transcend, we can throw away that evil at a Cross,
and walk off instead with a clarity of who we are,
and remember that we can’t allow our conscience to rot.
We can use that disdain trapped in a spirit that has become corrupt,
and instead build strength that can last through whips and chains.

I get so sensitive at times, I can’t find the right ways to normally talk,
I find myself caught, my heart it feels painfully tender,
I am not good at being normal, conversation about earth bound topics is hard for me.
I am good at being fully alive, but the moment I come into groups of human beings,
my wings are clipped and I crash.
I can only be who they assume I am,
They trap me with their thoughts, their forceful opinions, their cruel judgments,
I can’t be free in a world that is trapped,
therefore I throw away my wings and take on a cross instead,
and pretend to be like everybody else.

The curse of perception, is that one wishes to never interfere,
to never make one’s presence felt,
because we all know… We know that love is a myth,
No wonder we cling so desperately to what we can find,
The people we fall head over heels for, the people for whom we would plunge into the deepest oceans for,
they are every bit as indifferent, as broken, as complex, as disturbed, as affected, as ordinary, as irritating, as annoying,
and as disenchanted as we all are,
but we seek still… for the human heart hopes,
it hopes for a cure,
for peace that can transcend the banalities,
the realities and the trivialities.

We all know that someone out there is tired of us,
we know that someone out there hates us, it could be a brief moment in a crowd, or in a shop,
but that alone is enough, that brief scratch… can destroy the most powerful self constrcuted image,
immediately if it is constructed by hope and fantasy, latently if it is constructed by pride and arrogance.
Most people ignore us, and treat us like we are not important enough…,
That is the language of this world, to treat us in a way that does not disturb their illusions.
So we find ways to cope, to enjoy our own rowdiness, and express our own unique gifts,
but constantly we find ourselves troubled by the vastness of the world,
by the sheer level of talent which has become a powerless and mindless enterprise,
we know talent but can’t fathom character,
we see dreams reached, but the price is seldom revealed,
we see Happiness and accomplishment, but never the question , ‘ Is this all there is to life…?’
we know skill, but we can’t perceive egoism.
Like trees that endure smoke,
our hearts bear vicissitudes that we enter into by nature of who we wish to be.