Unfulfilled Longings – Fictional Short Story

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I’ve been trying to forget her for a long long time and failing really badly at it. It felt like I enjoyed how I felt about her to such an intensity that I struggled to let it go.., but I knew that I had to. God had strictly asked me to let her go.., but I am not a powerful Creator who is mature and absolutely perfect, and who has never made mistakes for billions upon billions of years.., I struggle with my humanity, I struggle with my version of love which involves me falling for people that I like but to whom I can never become loved in their own version of reality. I know that life is unfair this way.. but I get it.., I really do.., It’s not exactly a delightful truth.., but you gradually begin to take it impersonally and learn to accept people for their mistakes and maybe forgive them someday, and accept the fact that their rejection of you is no fault of their own.. It’s just that they can’t see deep inside of your soul, your inner person and your hidden character. People are blind to what is unseen, and the unseen is the very birthplace of romantic love.

It was a dream that helped me remember her again. I would be lying if I were to tell you that she was never in my thoughts. Her name was ingrained into my brain, a mere uttering of her name brought delights into me that prompted much fancy and imagination. She had blocked me on instagram, and on facebook she avoided my messages. She had even friendzoned me in the past, did the universal women’s code for disinterest by not replying to any of my messages for a year, and the last time that she had breezed in acting like there was nothing wrong between us.., she acted like she and I talked daily for hours upon hours.., she played with my feelings before leaving as quickly as she came. Nothing new here. Just a universal female act and drama, since I am highly sensitive.., I felt the familiar meltdown and inner accusation begin. I wrestled with thoughts that insulted my lack of self restraint, I heard voices of painful condemnation that let me know that I should’ve known better with all my years of experiencing rejection. Rejection did not sit well with me.., it would be a thorn in my flesh and sting deep and hurt deep whenever my mind wished to torment me. Perhaps i’m in a war with finding love.

I should describe to you the dream. I remember it vaguely. But the message and the moral of it was clear, it was defeat. I was suffering defeat and rejection from her. If you know me, you should know well that I don’t take defeat well. I remember those who have defeated me, it’s like a curse.., even though Christ has helped me forgive them.., I can’t easily forget those in whose presence I suffered embarrassment, shame and disgrace. As a man, I would avenge my losses.., I had to struggle with such feelings in my faith and force myself to let it go. What I loved about Christ was that, He helped me see that my inner problems were far more greater than the problems of the world and far more dangerous and deadly than all the celebrities, famed ones and writers.

I have no clue as to what triggered me to dream about her. I remember that week well, my faith had just overcome a deadly fear of facing murderous henchmen as I preached the gospel. All day long I would be bombarded by these images, it felt like I was drowning in them and the voices would condemn me about my fears, and about my lack of courage.., and they would whisper that they knew that I was afraid to die for Christ. No matter how strong I attempted to make myself courageous, I lost heart.., because all my life I’ve been afraid of pain, of suffering, of falling victim to poverty, of losing my parents to an accident.., and to many horrors that were all too common in my world. But I remember the LORD just transferring a strange sense of inner burning within me. I was burning and burning within myself, in my heart and just on fire for Christ. I witnessed people drawn to the Gospel and it felt surreal.. how was it possible in this town brimming with strong inner tensions and spiritual evils..? It felt like the fire was living within me made the gospel become more truer than human understanding and affirmations could confirm. I started to receive incredible dreams, many of them were prophetic..,revealing things about my life and calling that I did not wish to be true.

The Lord was again asking me stop longing after her. Believe me when I say to you that I tried to forget her.., I really really did.. but not really. No disrespect to the Lord.., but I couldn’t understand what that even meant. For three years I had stayed pure, moral and single. Despite a bit of fame, I was a saint in my public life, I resisted temptation and ran away from fair maidens in an attempt to please God and to reveal to Him that I was serious about Him this time. I still struggled with lusts in my personal life, but I never gave up in my vision to become more and more Godly. She seemed to initiate in me a delight and joy that I didn’t have a reference to compare it to. I fell for her three years before in a way that I had not done in my entire life, and believe me I’ve fallen many times into empty one sided infatuations. I knew that the Lord’s sharpness of language was done more out of a protective instinct.., i’ve been around Him enough to sense that the deeper and the more deadlier the danger, the sharper His language becomes. I’ve picked up on nuances when i’m around Him.., He speaks a lot when He is still, silent and non-responsive. The Lord is my best friend, I’ve learned to trust Him and even love Him when He is angry and upset with me.., I love how passionate, zealous and possessive He is of me.. even though I pathetically suck at things like immediate obedience. I fail to satisfy Him, but He satisfies me more than words can ever comprehend.

The dream started with me in a place filled with busy people. The people around me felt like they were worldly, a theme that my spirit feels a deep seated unrest with. Since I could always sense that there was something wrong with the picture that I was forced to live in, and I grew always in a state of rattled nerves and disturbed confusion of the world around me. She was there.., I refuse to say her name since it triggers intense longings,wishes and dreams. But she was there.. Perhaps the whole dream was indicative of why she said no to me. I have mistakenly and accidentally tied the knot to somebody for whom I feel nothing, and I am overcome with sorrow at my choice. She meanwhile is stronger than my emotional dilemma, she is stronger to push herself to reach professional success.., I feel like the visual scene despite being hazy was a mixture of college energy and professional glory.., and I could sense another character as well.., a character who possessed her, it was not love.., but it was more of a symbol of belonging. She belonged to him.., he had her wrapped in his fingers despite her fiery, independent nature. And as the reality sinks into me, I break down in shame and defeat. I shudder with my hands above my head in tears, and nobody pays me any notice in this scene. As a fan of Jung, I can read much into the yearnings,the themes and the way that they play out. But I’m convinced that this means that she is trouble. Trouble for my spirit, trouble for my heart and trouble for my mind. I had to abort all of my longings for her that were spawning endless stories, poems and dialogues that I wrote like scripts.. memorizing their ability to transport me to an imaginary confrontation with her.

I woke up feeling melancholic, irate and fully clear about what that dream conveyed, even though I hadn’t discovered the words to explain it yet. I initially struggled to hastily speak this dream to a Gifted Dream interpreter, since the Lord has not enabled that gift within me much to my hurt and pain. I get dreams though, every now and then, it feels like the Lord does not me to become a vision interpreter, or a seer.., and I struggle to deal with that. But I guess it’s okay, even though it’s not. If only I could do something about it, if only I could.

I still remember running into her for the first time. I was just recovering from alcoholic addiction and desperately wanted to stay away from temptation. It was on one of those short story sites, I wrote haunting, melancholic and incomplete stories brimming with passion, love and sadness. I wrote what I struggled to let go. I wrote what saddened me about people that I knew who lived with broken spirits, and I wrote to console other lost souls struggling with similar themes. Believe it or not, my writing was far better then. No, seriously it was.. I had had a dramatic encounter with Jesus Christ, and that had flipped me over upside down, all the fears that had bound me and destroyed me inwardly were asked to leave. I knew that they were fallen spirits, evil to their core.. Who belonged to a realm that the non spiritual eye and mind could not see. The Bible was the only way through which people understood the reality of these dark, hideous beings who worked for lucifer, they enjoyed destroying a man through his mind. I have literally been near the shore of madness, I have stared at myself through the eyes of madness, I know well that only Christ rescued me from such a dangerous and dark evil. My Savior did incredible wonders for me, chiefly to my creative tools, He reminded me time and time again that my imagination, my love for words, stories and my love to understand people as stories came from Him. He even reminded me of His own style of speaking to people through parables the truths of Heaven.

Writing became easier for me because God’s presence in my heart, mind and soul was doing wonders for my creativity. His gift of a new spirit added newer dimensions to my thoughts, to my fertile imagination and to my human longings. My stories were vivid, deep, clear and less tormented.., but yet they were haunting since they spoke truthfully of the sadness of unfulfilled love. How ironic that one such story prompted her friendship..? I still can’t understand why she talked to me.., her friends..i.e her profile friends were well established artists, connoisseurs and craftsmen.. I was an unseen artist who lived for creative glory and art. I’ve often wondered if it was a deception sparked by the fallen ones done in order to remind me of my past blunders and romantic suffering or if it was an incident where I assumed that she was my God ordained muse, lover and wife. I tend to forget often that I am not attractive in some people’s eyes.., especially over an electronic space.., where millions of people portray parts and bits of them in order to draw, lure and attract souls in a revolting worship. It’s not easy for someone to really discover you in the way and intensity that you wish to be found.

I had written a tremendously upbeat tragedy of a love affair. I had utilized the settings to create emotional .. Much like Scorsese’s love for neighborhoods.., I painted a vivid picture of Madras.., and poured into it the longings of human beings beguiled and desperate for love, but often wounding seekers by rapidly retreating. The hero was a struggling writer, the heroine was an Anglo-Indian.., The writer’s friend has a thing for him, and it is her friend who is the heroine.., they are drawn to each other.., but being the rationalist that the heroine is she reasons everything.., and plays a dangerous game of engaging and disengaging the hapless hero, who struggles to find a muse, and a proper intuitive settings for his love. Much of it was from my own life obviously, the heroine character was someone that I had wrongly fallen for at a friend’s wedding. I never saw her again.. Ever. I wished to memorize and commemorate her intrusion into my life with a story that I had written over many many sad songs.

She waltzed in with her usual, girly feminism and joy. Sparkling a conversation that was overwhelming, unexpected and deeply useful for a recovering alcoholic, she revealed everything about herself on that first day. I am still surprised by how in control I was on that particular day, midway through our many hour long conversation…her joy at meeting a genuine artist had faded, my charm had faded and she slwoly began to realize that she was out of control. Reason entered, warnings entered, multiple news stories of creeps online entered her mind.., she freaked and got distant. I could swear to you that on that first day – she fell for me, that she fell in love with me. I might sound desperate, unreasonable and clingy but believe me it’s true. But after that something changed. She never opened up, I wondered rationally if she felt that she didn’t wish to lead me on, I wondered if it was something about how I looked in my online profile, or was it some feminine danger radar that had alerted her.. I didn’t know. By then I had flung my well reasoned control out, and started to become more honest with her.. I would have to wait for hours to get her online, and when she was there she was distant.., aloof, detached.. She didn’t open up.., she spoke briefly and left. There would be occasional signs of life.., a post of mine would get liked.., or she would send some song suggestion on Facebook directly to my messenger.., but after that again the deafening silence would continue… how we had vibed together as people the first time never happened another time.. I could sense her longings, her desires.., but yet again the block was there….I would send non creepy messages well stretched over a space of time, well stretched over months.., and again her defense was impregnable. Something was up. I started to divert my mind, I had been down this road one too many times before, I was on the brink of eternity.. I didn’t wish to fall back into the pit from which the Lord had saved me from. Because I knew with spiritual discernment that it always ended up in the same romantic hell – unfulfilled agony and endless inner hurt. I wanted to protect myself and take myself out of the situation. Because I knew so many souls who were still chasing something they believed was true a million years ago. This was the real ugly nature of female interaction, they start more doubts than calm one’s fears.

After many months and months of shame, defeat and hurt. I walked down to the Lord and asked Him to help me. Can you believe that..? I had forgotten all about my best friend the whole time on this one issue alone and run down yet another fruitless rabbit hole..? How absurd and idiotic. From His comforting side, I stared down into my choice and realized how blind I had been to all the danger signs. I finally allowed myself to be still and comforted myself with my Lord, I was not wrong for believing in something true, noble and beautiful between two human souls.. People are more calculated when it came to matters of the human heart, let’s just say that I believed in it with more innocence, truth and effort.

So that’s the whole deal.. but hey this could’ve happened to anyone right..?

Late night thoughts on Faith- A few observations ( I’m going to be late for work tomorrow.. Yikes)

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What do I do with the supposedly evil portions of the Bible..? ( GOD is not evil.. but His acts of Justice violent as they be seem too difficult to grasp) How can I just accept the shedding of blood of innocent animals that served to hide the serious sinfulness of early men and women..? Am I getting a glimpse into the deeply sensitive nature of a Holy God who upon seeing the blood of an innocent animal being shed subdues His own fearsome wrath and forgives graciously large, difficult sins..? Or am I seeing a tyrant who delighted in the mindless slaughter of endless animals as most other pagan religions practised, required and demanded…? I can’t quite make up my mind.. I have run away from this passage and perplexity often.. I can’t seem to shake away the need for such an action from my limited, fallen and human perspective.. with my need for sinfulness to relax and recoup from the stresses of being made perfect in Faith.. I must accept that I don’t have the theological know hows as to why God would ask Joshua to kill entire cities, countries and inhabitations without the slightest emotion or remorse, I can’t understand the book of lamentations and I confess to have trouble with the passages where God asks Fathers to stone their daughter who sin, I can’t understand the violent demand for such an act. But I am looking at it from my perspective.., Not from the perspective of a Perfect Supernatural being.. whose every demand contains a will that covers the future and the present…But I can sense a deeper side to the story, a part that like a noble parent whose suffering is hid is reflected…, I see all of the Lord’s acts as His own wishes… I love Him even though I don’t agree with Him, but I know that He has the power and the love to make right choices that despite their impact lead to a greater glory, a greater good and greater benefit…. I once saw the writings of Paul as indigestable bitter pills, I now can see beyond their surface and understand the power and the cry of the Holy spirit to refrain from sin which captures, imprisons, torments and then assassinates. I can understand therefore the severity of the language. I despised the fact that the Lord chose the Jews as His favored race… but I understand now after a prolonged research that He wanted to redeem the world through them.., I understand because even when I pick a team of people… I almost always gravitate towards those who are weak, unpickable and lack natural talent.

I much prefer a personal time alone with the Lord, where I can bask within Him and find love for all my unheard cries, comfort for all my wounds with an unjust, brutal and hopeless culture and civilization and remedy for my sicknesses, fears and trials. I enjoy discovering Him throughout the dull narratives of Old testament texts which in my opinion are often un-spectacular. Not because of the Lord, but because of the lack of life in the historical texts. But reading them fills my spirit which is another unfathomable complexity. I view faith with wonder and awe, more than finding it as a rigorous self exacting discipline that makes the spirit the seat of control and not the soul. I have trouble listening to Pastors who preach Biblically , mostly because I would rather have someone explain it to me with Grace than warning me with severity. I know that my wants and demands are often done to protect my own feelings which do not like being confronted with truth and the reminders of a dire awaiting doom. I have the patience to understand myself, people from the outside take scalpels and do damage often with well intentioned sermons that bruise and wound more than heal, restore and redeem. But I know that I have to humble myself and take a good sound beating every once in a while to correct my Public persona for the sake of the Christian brethren.

I must confess that I often feel content in my state of imperfection…. Striving towards Godliness seems to imply a sensational and powerful inward wrestle…. A shocking inward battleground, far removed from prying human eyes where I have to constantly subdue my sinfulness and act upon my Christfulness.

I identify this as some repressed gleam of being driven towards those habits and acts that I have since abandoned since I took up a Cross and began to follow Christ. So many have fallen from this walk.., and I hear sincere minded preachers often speaking in severity about the fallen, and I get it.. the consequences of a life not lived for Christ leads straight to the fiery pits of Hell…, Hell is the ultimate soul killer, the final resting place for the damned, the condemned and the guilty… God throws men who have rejected Him into Hell… , and these sinners are tormented forever and ever… Their cries go up day and night.. and there will be no rest for them. I feel that this portion of the Scriptures makes men legal about God’s free Grace, and I understand… There are serious, striking passages about God in the Scriptures that make me fearful and terror filled. I guess that my dabbling in occasional sinfulness just to stave off a longing for human companionship has desensitivized me to the terrible plight rewarded to all sinners who gleefully reject a wonderful, magnificent and precious Lord. I understand the terrible punishment, Man is an eternal creature.. He cannot be extinguished much less erased.., The spiritual realities of this world seem more terrifying than the physical ones.

All my life my thoughts have been consumed by Hell. I have stayed away from a curiosity in Cults and joining one because of Hell, I have stayed away from accepting the Hindu Faith that I have always felt a great attraction towards for the fear of Hell, I have stayed away from Occultism because of a fear of Hell, for a long long period of time.. Hell has always been in my thoughts striking fear inwardly, making me weep in unconscious anguish.. I have often pictured myself suffering and burning in Hell.., I can’t even comprehend the reality of what that might imply. After I survived my suicidal attempt by the grace of God, I had a dream where I encountered Hell.., I saw demons speaking to souls whose life had ended.., they were delightful that they could finally torment these souls who had chosen deliberately to stray away from a Holy, Loving Lord.. The sickening and terrifying part was that I was there with them.., They condemned each soul and threw him into what looked like a portal through which the fiery furnace of Hell was tangible.., I could hear the tormented screams of lost souls…, I felt terrified and deeply frightened… All my life I had feared this place… I had feared two things in my life… One was ending up in this place and two was not using my talents as described in the wonderfully comforting parable of Jesus. Yes the one about the usage of talents, that one has haunted me for years.

I find little comfort or motivation to act out on all the rigorous and extremely hard calls presented in the letters of Paul… They seem too judgmental for my tastes, too critical and leave no support or strength to stare at oneself. I fear risking my personal freedoms, I fear losing my own personality that took years of painful self examination to construct much less unearth, I fear losing me and becoming a puritan who blocks out the world. I have a great need to experience the world as me, I don’t want to become a robot who completely forsakes the world. I love the world.. I have grown used to its heartlessness and apathy, I love its mountains, its hills, it’s rivers, the mighty oceans that house such life within… It is a beautiful, vast place that has decayed thanks to us humans.. The world I inhabit contains slums where ditches run into houses, where prostitutes live near a river of dirt in huts and small one room houses used by men who please themselves for reasons unknown.., I routinely see dogs reduced to a pulp on the roads, I see dogs without homes, cows slaughtered, people dying on the roads, people murdered for no discernible reason.. These seek to destroy me.

But I struggle to attend Church regularly, I hate going to office on time, I despise judgmental counsel offered critically, I struggle to control my former bad habits that were rooted in my brain and heart for many many years, I can’t accept everything about Faith.. I can’t digest it much less comprehend and sincerely speaking live it.. It seems impossible, too hard.. too demanding.. and requires complete submission… I feel like everyday I have blown off my chances to ever reach Heaven which seems like more of a mirage than a reality to me. I have not thought of heaven at all for years, Hell has always had my fears, my worries and my anxieties.

I also realize that Christ is not magically going to save me at the last moment… As much as I glow and love to speak about His wondrous mercies.. I know all too seriously the stricter side of things… I realize that I have to walk this path…, I have to live a life that pleases Him and not one that pleases me… and that is where the difficult part is…. Having an invisible friend who is a mixture of Mercy and Justice is hard to understand much less follow at all costs…, I constantly find myself comparing Him to individuals in my life.. Is He like my Boss at work…? Who seldom listens to who I am, much less knowing me but gives me all the strictest tasks in the world with the strictest words…? Or is He like my dad who finds comfort in knowing a God of Grace who has mercifully upheld him during periods of trials, temptations, failures and discouragements…? I would much prefer God to be like my Dad who loves and tolerates the difficult parts of me and takes great pains to understand my heart even though he wants to speak about his glory all the time. I would gladly choose the great terrors of Hell if God were like my Boss, who rarely appreciates me and always tries to correct me without hearing my side. I know that this is a blasphemous statement, but I am just letting you know that I need more than just a strict guardian.. I want God to listen to me… to hear my side.. to love me at all times… even if I bring shame and disgrace to Him which I am quite an expert at.. I want Him most of all to just enjoy me.., Most people just pass me by and rarely if ever acknowledge me, much less stay interested in me. I no longer care if I am being rejected by 7 billion people, I just don’t want to be rejected by Him… I am not in love with Him because He could save me from Hell…, I love Him because He loves me as I am.

I know the grand benefits of serving Him… I experienced a few just this afternoon… Prayer for a child admitted to the ICU … who hours later was transferred to a general ward… Heavy rains stopped so that my team could play Cricket…, a lack of courage changed after a prayer which led to fierce strikes all over the ground and a passionate fielding and bowling effort. God routinely changes the odds into my Favor that I have stopped calling them miracles and freaky coincidences, I call them natural and expected.. My Faith grows with every answered prayer… My House is protected during the night.. The Health of my parents is ensured.. My Sister’s future is ensured…, Angels protect my family and my doggy throughout the day, round the clock.., I find stoic doors being opened for me… I find unexpected friendships.. I find favor.. I see God’s handiwork in all these acts.

The temptations of this world often call out to me…, and it is extremely difficult to constantly battle them chiefly since I find that I have no sound moral urges within my heart. I connect more profoundly with sinners dealing with their sins than Saints preaching Heaven… But I do it because I love Jesus.. I enjoy making God Happy.., He is my Chief passion in this life.. I want to make Him happy, I go out of my way to talk Jesus to people from my town, who stare at me strangely through disinterested eyes, I see a guarded heart emerge when I speak to my cricket friends about Him. My old friends listen out of respect and then go on about their life, I guess nobody really has the time for Him… I remember that I too was this way not so long ago.. But I have always loved Him and tried to make Him happy for a little while.., and then followed my own urges…, but now I joyfully serve Him full time in a place of hardened hearts and stone faced masks rejoicing in the opportunity to do so.

But He has touched me to see people differently, thanks to Him I no longer hate those who hurt and wound me without realizing. I love offering people unmerited kindness even though I can be graciously stingy about it and lament about it to Him telling Him all about how it would go unnoticed, much less appreciated. I love helping people having a hard time, I love listening to those whose lives have become broken and need mending, fixing and mostly needs a whole lot of Grace… And I have no problem offering it because I know how much Grace I received in my life.. I know that I don’t deserve anything. At work I find the conservative Christians terribly upset and sensitive about every misdeed of others, often times cutting them down and sermonizing to them about their fallen acts… I find peace and understanding instead knowing that only a sinner could truly understand what Grace really means for a spirit discovering Christ. Christ to me is more than just God.. He is my place where I go to realign myself, to rework on secret faults.. to grieve for the losses of this world…, to find out who I can be and to learn who I should be.

A young shy, inhibited and socially awkward kid once saw basketball as his sole refuge. Unable to understand a world that clearly did not need me, I grew connected in soul to a sport that taught me to develop personal mastery and competitiveness… That kid now knows Christ as His ALL. Christ is now my refuge, my BFF and my only strength even though I fail spectacularly in most attempts. I remember a recent incident where I almost blew my image, and avoided a major embarrassment to myself… at a recent testimony witness at a small church in a forsaken, lost part of town…I was passionately into my testimony.., I had gotten over the drug use parts.. past the failed relationship parts…past the alcohol, occult use, suicidal parts… and suddenly I forgot what I had to say… I just stared at the crowd with confusion and bewilderment before thankfully finding another completely disconnected word and finishing off 27 years of my life within a time span of 15 minutes.. In the views of my over hyped organizer I had taken too much time talking about my testimony.., a godly mistake in his eyes. Another incident completely unrelated, but one that I wish to vent about In the views of my horrifically perfection bound and seeking Employer, I seem to misguide his employees and spend too much time listening to their grumblings and rants, a procedure he finds amusing to his industrial mindset. A counselor at heart, my patience knows no boundaries when it comes to listening.. My employer who wishes to create immediate stalwards of honor and integrity rarely seems to know how to reach their heart.. something that I have no problems with.. be it with a stranger or with the chronically reserved.

Christ did offer me new urges. He did. I have changed for the better by no longer being controlled by my former life and its sinfulness.. But that does not mean that I don’t want to occasionally give drugs a try, or have an affair for the fun of it, or engage in casual relationships, or just do as I please and not be bothered about the consequences…, The Christian life asks me to become incredibly consumed about my personal actions, I have to act cordially even though my work colleague cut me off rudely and began a major rant about his personal wounded feelings without understanding the impact that he has one me…, I have to be patient with the young kid who is having his first experience at work and sees everybody as an enemy when corrected and perceives it to be a sign of exceptional courage to speak against the so called system, I have to listen as he voices out complaints against everybody for hours and sees himself as having no effect on anybody. He rarely understands the power of his hurtful language, his tone or his bitterness against everybody. I have to listen and understand the grief of a young heart experiencing the harrowing world of hospitals, busy doctors and long queues as he and his family hospitalizes his young relative who has a swollen heart and boils in her tummy, I have to extend grace to a former roommate who once joyfully tormented me with His knowledge of the world and with His instincts towards control and bitterness. I have to be courteous towards a former friend who once cut down my intelligence and exalted his own while he belittled every inch of my faith, my values and mocked the Holy Spirit as a phony and spoke about speaking in tongues as an exaggeration. I must not only accept Him, but I must love Him even though by my human standards I want nothing more to do than ignore, hurt and throw him away. My anger has to be controlled, my wandering eyes must be reigned in, my passionate responses to a sight of the female form have to be understood and quickly deflated, my bitterness has to be dealt with in Prayer.. My heart’s longings have to be discarded and seen in the light of what God wishes for me. In short, I am controlled by instincts that build a healthy, deep and wonderful me, and in this painful reconstruction I can see glimpses of the Only Perfect being in all of history.. My Master Jesus Christ and that gives me hope to continue and press on.