How I want her to be Vs How She Really is..! – A poem and an imaginative survey of my former heartbreaks and rejections.

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How I want her to be:

Her: You know the reason why I have been giving you the cold shoulder is because I have actually been in love with you.
Me : Thank you so much, that makes all the sense in the world.
Her: I can’t wait to be your wife, your soul mate.., your everything.. I know that we have never met.., but I have always known that you were the love of my life. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.
Me: Wow.., I feel the same way, I have felt that way since the beginning.. and since the second I met you.

How she really is:

Reality and self hate:

She has been consumed in her world, she forgot you the moment you left.., You did not even make an impression.., she rarely ever though about you, never went through your Instagram, your Facebook accounts and most definitely did not give you missed calls.., and has not been dreaming or longing for you in the same way that you have been of her, and check this out.. Heartbreak Cliche’ – She has been very much in love with this guy that she met, oh.. did that hurt Romeo..? I’m sorry did that just burst your romantic bubble.. Didn’t I tell you to stay out..? Yeah..time you started listening to your brain a little bit more Einstein.

Doubts begin their beautiful wrecking process:

Wow.., if this is not what it appears to be..,what about all the events of my life that I feel have other explanations.. Spiritual wars being fought for my sake..? Divinely arranged events that lead to my redemption, my strength and to my happiness…!

Man screw the other explanations… they are the ones that really hurt and make it worse and harder than it has to be.., but I can’t accept the truth of what happened right now.., it makes me fumble and struggle in vain to put up a facade.., Now I have to act like everything is okay.. when I am crushed.. destroyed.., How can I even recover from all of this..? I can’t feign strength anymore, I am too weak, Lord Help me..Please… I can’t deal with these types of experiences again Father.., You were right.. I’m sorry I left Your safety to venture out into this unwanted dark nightmare.. For once I would like for things to go the way I want them to be. Lord, I can’t take this anymore.. I want out.. Like out of the whole spectrum of the human experience.. I can’t be such a sucka for this, I have the wisdom of a sage now, but the foolishness of a dog…

Hope and common sense have a conversation:

I mean she texted me that one time right..? There had to be something behind that.. I mean she forgets all about me for a year…, and then all of a sudden.. She messages me on my phone right.., that’s got to be a sign right..? Right..? Please let that be a sign.. I am tired of holding on to people who never held on to me in the first place.. I am a forgotten place.. A forsaken desert.. a place of abandonment.. Rejection Avenue.. Oh yeah, I take it really personally…, Real personal.. that’s who I am. I am looking for love in all the wrong places.. I got to be a little more realistic and connect with people that I Know in like real life.., and not people who live so far away. I hope you learn something important from all of this.

I speak to the Lord :

Lord..? Lord…? Please.. hear me…, my heart is broken.. by a fantasy that went too far..! I’m sure you were there throughout as I fancied and fantasized…I’m sure that you even warned me a couple of times.. Why didn’t I listen to You..? You obviously know a lot more about Her than me.., but as always I had to take charge, take a plunge into uncertain land and rely on my own instincts and feelings…, Will I ever be right Lord..? Why did I have to feel this way all of a sudden for no meaning..? I have been completely alright for over three years with no candidates in sight… I am afraid aren’t I..? Afraid that I won’t find this so called ‘One’…? Afraid that I won’t live the life that I always dreamed about..? All she offers me are empty blank spaces on social media, unanswered messages that pile up in the dozen…, long long periods before answering with a few words…, that just smells of a lack of interest, and a … I wish I wasn’t so interested, I was fine being alone Lord…Who am I kidding..? I want what I dream of too.. I deserve a good person right..? Everybody else is falling left and right in love.., I am like the only man who always gets left off..? Why does this keep happening to me Father..? Please help me.., I don’t want her anymore.., please help me forget all that happened.., and please get rid of this inner blade just stabbing me endlessly within.., I can’t deal with the shame and the embarrassment.., this pain is too intense and overpowering… Help me please.

Deliverance:

I was wrong Lord.., I should not have done this without consulting You. I am sorry.. But please.. listen to me as I am being hurt by my own heart’s inability to handle realistic situations…,
Nobody can ever take Your place.. I am sorry, in a way I was searching for somebody with whom I could be as close as I am always with You.. But I was fooled and duped again.., People seem to have their own feelings and eyes, You would know Lord.. For thousands of years.. People have done the same to You… In a way I have done it to You too…, forgive me and forgive them for all our stupidities.., Forgive me for putting someone else over You.., But Help me now.. For I need You to reach into my own heart’s darkness and help me still what has been let out…, Bring me into You.., I can’t deal with this stuff.. But I know that You will deliver and Free me ultimately.., I love You.. Godspeed