Tears fall down,
All is lost,
the plight alone is alive,
anguish, angst, hurt, pain.
I heave myself to pray,
to talk to God as though He won’t feel my pain,
I hate feeling judged, insecure and raw,
I am not good when I am vulnerable, I hide what hurts.
But lo, in the act of Prayer,
I am held secure,
invisible arms enclose around me,
my pain is gone,
my burdens are light,
I feel loved, embraced and accepted.
The days go by,
reality with its cause-less nature enters me,
my life with its constant call for war confuses me,
I am seduced by what is wrong for me,
I grow near to the life that I can build on such fantasies, but find myself growing far from God.
Meanwhile my heartfelt prayer has pierced the skies,
God is omnipotent, omniscient, Powerful, A Divine Monarch, A Compassionate King,
My call and cry for mercy has entered the throne,
The Angels assemble and stand still,
The Lord hears humanity’s cries,
He assesses the heart of all men.
The hearts of men are laid bare to Him,
no one can lie or fool Him.
In that place Men are stripped of their clever and cunning defenses,
Men are removed of their scruples and are seen for who they are.
Their choices and the nature of their heart.
God hears my cry and assigns an Angel to deliver a reply.
He ponders my heart, He knows me, He loves me.
He cares for me because I don’t care for my own life,
He gives me another precious chance.
The Angel departs from that blessed place on high,
he enters the lowly plains.
Men’s misery is stagnant , evil strongholds unseen by mere men and their follies that are presumed to be intelligence.
Spirits of evil lurk about, unwilling to allow truth and God’s help enter without fierce and a bloody fight.
Why can’t men acknowledge that they need God…? He sighs
How desperate was His Holy and Powerful Master to help these unfaithful ones that He so loved…?
If only they knew… he sighed, if only they knew…!
The Angel neared my house,
he sees my life. He must inform his troops that I needed a lot more help.
But he sighed, I should lean more on God , I was not doing that quite often.
The pains of losing touch were way too high and fatal.
He sees God’s touch and he sees the opposing force,
desperate to crush that little glimpse of absolute truth.
He remedies the wrong, and my eyes come out of my skull.
My skull is filled with notions, impressions, thoughts, unnecessary wishes and means of absorbing information,
objectively caught up in a life where I am forced to live and feed myself.
I see a divine touch and despite the gigantic mountains of doubt, hopelessness and painful misery,
my heart is comforted, and deeply moved.
I kneel down in prayer and my heart freed of its mental and human dilemmas rises up and communes with the great Spirit behind the Universe.
How considerate of Him to remember my desperate plea, I think in a deep gratefulness.
a demon, meanwhile alerted, rises up and scoffs in his own voice,
‘ But what about the time that your dog died..? Remember how he had to suffer…?’
I should not think about such things, that is not faith, I talked to myself.
But my heart felt pain… My dog died a terrible death.. Why didn’t the Lord hear her pain…?
But still the beauty of an answered prayer embraced me, God be praised.. I whispered to the Universe.
Another demon arose, ‘Remember… Have you gotten rid of that filthy habit of yours…? ‘
I haven’t… I said to myself, deeply defeated and dejected, I was ruled by that habit.
How can I thank God for this… I was unworthy… He should find someone better than me for such gifts.
But still the answered prayer lingered on like a solid flame,
warming the heart and the spirit,
the spirit meanwhile searched the scriptures,
and offered confirmations that all men were sinful and that God loved them despite it all.
But I looked at my life ,
How vast and unfortunate it all seemed.
How could I survive…?
What if by one mistake I ended up in Hell…?
A place of eternal torment …? Burned by flames that never died…?
But hope whispered, your life is not done yet.., look at those whose life has gone,
God still wants you with Him, look unto Him,
forget everything else.
But how can I forget I wonder,
again sneaking back into my own heart,
a force that I have never controlled or commanded.
I was cutting off my ties with Godly means, and sinking into a state of inexplicable misery.
The Miracle was behind me now,
assigned to a place of crushed dreams, hurtful memories and unanswered doubts,
and these defeated and cruel forces they worked on my Miracle,
Subjecting it to the venom that is apathy and indifference.
The Miracle was being sapped of its power to heal,
and instead being broken to suit my own means of thinking.
God had His wisdom for allowing things to happen, I suddenly reminded myself.
I had to trust His will… Not everything is good. I reminded myself.
Slowly the schizophrenic nature of reality entered in,
dissociating everything with confusion.
The insensitivity that I gained from sin entered in, creating a daze, numbing my spirit.
Cruelly separating it from the life that the spirit renewed by God could offer.
The harsh discipline that I inflicted on myself in order to not hope entered in and trampled my own mind’s wishes and made it a stale subject.
Look out of your window, look at the lifeless buildings,
look the roads… where men drive without any reason,
or read the newspapers… that are rampant with unnecessary information… How can hope overcome them all..?
But the Miracle had in its core,
the Power of God.
Answered prayer can defeat all foes,
and so it suddenly exploded and broke through my own laws and the laws of the world.
And I knelt down, with tears and a renewed heart.
You were right Lord, YOU WERE RIGHT..!
Help me Trust you.. Help me Trust you Please..!