Too Real – Poem

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The problem that I face with the world
is that everything is too real and I am too soft..!
I believe in the absolute best despite facing a lifetime of evil, hurt and angst..,
My scars have deep wisdom.., but my heart has deeper innocence..,
A few days ago.., a girl who had dumped a guy was hacked to death by the guy she left.., no happy endings.., no background theme music.., just real evil happeing in a place used to daily routine and crowds.., what an ugly violent manifestation..,
A day before that murder.., she was alive.., happy.., possibly dreaming about clearing off the debt for her parents with her I.T. job.., but now she has become a tormented face that reminds people of cruelty…,
Will people remember her in the same way …?
We walk past homeless souls whose entire lives have been one big agony and we don’t flinch or even feel their pain..?
How cruel are we..? Do we realize that we are going to be asked such questions by the Lord at Judgment..?
I wonder if demons rejoiced at another lost soul lost to eternity..?
I wonder if the killer thought things through, I wonder if he saw past his own hurt..? Why dear Lord are we possessed of a will that exists only to bring ruin and shame unto us..?
How can you unsee such an atrocity..? how do you find the words for such a tragedy..?
What are you supposed to do when this is the routine in the world I feel, see and live..?
How can happiness be preached when death, cruelty, pain and suffering are all I see..?
But i’m not complaining.., I survived my suicide.., I experienced a hand reaching out to me from the supernatural realm and save a routine fatality..,
but still I am a healer in a world deeply at unease with the forces of brutality and discouragement..,
Each day I am haunted by what I see.., the more others don’t have… the more at unease I feel.
I can’t sleep.., the human soul is at unease and rushes into evil, murderous lust and wickedness.., I pray.., I am always acutely aware of the unrest.., of the living shadowy beings …, I am always aware that something is always at work around me.., my sensitivity feeds my inner life with what my natural eyes can’t ever see…,
I pray for my town regularly.., I pray for souls to know the truth that can set them free.., I pray for Angelic protection for my brethren living in places infested with hate.., thievery and fear.., I pray for natural man to encounter the spiritual force of Christ.., I pray for eyes to see.., for ears to hear and for hearts to feel God..,
I dream sometimes that God will save us all.., I dream sometimes that I can build a shelter for homeless dogs.., I dream someday that the Church that I build will shelter homeless people in the night.
I dream sometimes that Hell will become empty.., It’s real sad to know the fate of the world.., Friends you still have a life.., seek the truths of Jesus and be absolutely sure in your conviction of Him if you are going to reject Him.., Narrow is the path that leads to life and few there are that find it.

Attraction – Short Story

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” I just find myself wildly attracted to you…, I just keep thinking about you all the time.., like all day all day.. Kanyeezy style.” I typed even as I felt the familiar rush … She was quite potent.

“What…? C’mon man… are you serious…? I knew that this would happen.” She typed like she was standing right before me but was not listening to me even as I poured out my soul.

” I don’t even know you man.., How can you say something like that to a complete stranger…?” She wrote like she was writing a Toni Morrison novel filled with symbolic, cultural drama.

I felt stung…, hurt…, has it ever occurred to you that my pain is better expressed as quotes, letters and stories…? ( Monologue to myself)

‘ Look, I am just being real.. I don’t know how to say what I am about to say without making it sound like one tremendous cliche’. I know that what I feel is totally normal and quite common, but my heart feels something whenever it rebelliously escapes my struggling restraint and self control and just wanders into you… And believe me there is no greater heartbreak dealer than myself, i’m quite the expert at bearing the intense broken pieces of my heart just longing for you with torturous attempts even as it struggles to confront the larger reality…, I am not expecting anything from you.., as a matter of fact I want to kill this within myself…, because I know that your heart is elsewhere.., and believe me I don’t want to be caught up in one of those awkward one sided infatuations that will just keep killing you day by day.., I know that you are way over my league…and I know that I am not what you dreamt about when you were dreaming for your prince charming… I am the complete opposite of what you actually want… I am a dreamer.., I am shy.. awkward…alienating and a lover of solitude… I am a loner.., I am not exactly relationship material…, I know that you won’t care to know about all of my personal feelings…, I probably sound like a creep.. But I am just being real… You’re just a chance that I take to keep on dreaming baby…It aint’ you.. it’s all me..so keep doing your thing.. living your life.. being that irresistible ray of bouncing sunshine that I desperately want but can’t ever have…’I wrote to her.

‘ Look man…, I hate to state the obvious but i’m just not comfortable with what you’re saying.’ She replied back as though I had not just bared my soul and removed all of my defenses and was now standing naked and vulnerable before her awaiting her stern, indifferent voice.

‘ Mhmm, I get it…, ha ha ha … Listen, like you don’t need to cut me off or anything okay…I get it.., you have to act rude and dispose me off like I am someone who has become an obstruction.. I am probably taking on the form of people who have incited irritation and reckless annoyance in you in the past.. Some lousy desk job clerk who made you feel like you were once again back in school against the more popular kids who seemed worlds apart and never for once acknowledged you or even made you feel special about yourself…, or it might have been some local perv who kept staring at you when you were on the metro train… Making you feel weird, fearful and horrible inside… In all honesty you will probably be more angry with me than with all these other varieties of scum…, because you know that I am not what you want.., and you will feel nothing while I will feel everything that you don’t feel. I will view your inability to feel nothing towards me with the greatest regret, it will keep killing me because I won’t be able to handle the fact that I am not able to give you what you need…, a year from now.. I would still be consumed by the fact that you were nothing apart from an infatuation…, you won’t see things about me that I would definitely want you to see…, I have this tendency to fall hard for things, for people that I can never have…, So I guess this is not even about you.. but all about me…, just longing eternally for dreams that in reality are wasting the best parts of me… But I am a bird.., I see too much to believe in.., You can’t fault me.., I am a dreamer, I will only reach for the stars and for what I see can fill me.’

‘ Listen Joe.., don’t do this…, you are making me feel all bad now…, first of , we are miles apart…, I prefer him okay.., I love him completely…, He completes me…, I can’t stay a day without thinking about him…, He is constantly on my mind… He wants to introduce me to his parents the next time they are here , The thing that I love the most about him is his heart…, He texts me throughout the day and we talk about everything and anything.., I can see my future with him.. my life makes more sense with him..,

‘ Mhmm.. I can understand… whatever I feel for you.. You feel for him..except in your case it’s mutual…, and don’t for a minute think that I can’t sense how organized and calculated you were when you bagged him. I mean for real…? Is that love …? A series of calculations..? Requirements…? Are your feelings just turning up a little bit too much…? What’s God to a non-believer… who don’t believe in anything..? That’s you right there honey bun..!

‘ Now there you go quoting Kanye again…, and I am not calculated by the way…, just because I don’t feel something for you does not in any way make what I feel fake.., stop calling me babe and honey.., stop it please…, it’s a little too much.’

” Oh yeah, and just how did you fall for this guy…? I asked bitterly, ‘ I was the one who saw you first, I just didn’t say it out loud because I knew that you were way too good for me, I knew that you were way over my league and I also knew that I wouldn’t even be acknowledged and experienced by you…!, and then some punk who you just felt for a second becomes your Mister forever and the perfect Christian hunkalicious beau just perfect for the Post Wedding album just because he asked you out…? Is this for the fulfillment of your day dreams…? And for a great start in life….? Just what is this love…? Huh…? Falling for perfect, unbroken people with no darkness and scars…? Are you even sure that he even needs love..? This romantic love seems selfish doesn’t it..? Designed too much for one’s own self esteem and not for someone who truly desperately needs and wants it right…? I don’t know if he needs you in the same way that I do.., He seems way too perfect…, Too good to sound true.., I want you for more than your looks okay..? I love your heart… your soul… I will always make you feel loved…, I may not have much and believe me that will definitely turn you away from me…, but I am more than my circumstances.., and just when is love supposed to be about material prosperity and success…? Isn’t it supposed to transcend and overcome all such impermanent things..?”

‘ You know how I know that I really really feel something for you… ?’ I typed to her.

” Please enlighten me Mister Philosopher” she quipped with a caustic text just ripe with indignance. She was probably fuming by now, She was cute when she became indignant.., My sweet perfect muse, my sweet addiction… my paramore.., my light, my hold and hand that lifts me up from the dark. My dream that gives life to my heart and my soul… the day dream that will fizzle, the infatuation whose existence is taking it’s final few breaths…, the last dream before the maiden from realityville

” This pain.., This intense pain in which is the essence of my human misery… this pain of being stupidly, impulsively wrong… of wasting my love on the wrong person…, or rather expressing it’s intensity, it’s purity and it’s innocence to someone uncapable feeling it’s beauty and not open to feel …. you know the last person who told me that she loved me left me with blood stains on the floor.., even as I lay bleeding…, all that she wanted to do was do what was right for her… Funny how the rules keep changing when we want something eh…? We are more than willing to ease up if we can get a package deal right..? Like great family background.., great looks.., Oh you love him for his faith…? Right…, I’m sure that your attraction has little do with his faith right..? I’m sure He will automatically become the angel that fell from heaven.., or the only one in a billion who just saw you when the rest didn’t right..? Baby I ball so hard that I ain’t even supposed to be here..tick tock”

” What’s with the tick tock dude…?” She asked in what seemed like the crunching of cereals even as the radio demonstrated a never fading voice of static and ill electric snickers.

” You are now watching the throne, Don’t let me get into my zone,
The stars are in the building.., their hands are into the ceiling, I know that I am going to kill it,
Don’t let me into my zone…?” …..Kanye West feat Jay- Z’s Ni** in Paris…?” I asked her in mock horror.” Plus my time with you is limited right…?” I typed

” Tell me, Tell me… Is it his youthful exuberance..? Shall I induct him into the hall of fame as the only star that stirred up all your feminine flames…? He must be an asteroid about to impact your galaxy’s blueprint..? I don’t care what metaphoric role that you have created for this krypton of my soul.., I don’t care.., I really really don’t… But like I said.., I am an invisible man … My honesty is really brutal…, I am a doodler of unresolved, unsymmetrical poems.., an artist of epic emotional short stories…, What do I gotta do to get through to you..? I am an elevator between your soul and mine. Please understand your discrimination.., You are discriminating against me by not making your mind about me.., I know that you all spend enough time thinking and analyzing every tiny little detail. But uh oh.., have I forgotten my place and become an assassin and an indecent, hulking piece of rock..? He is probably in your dreams.. in the songs that you listen to or pick… or in the movies that remind you of yourself. Pardon me I am really just being ironic.” I typed without thought.

” Joe…, I really like you .. okay…? I do.., I just owe it to myself to see where this leads.., I am not one to give up on something that I started alright..? And it’s not like we are perfect.., we are still trying to figure stuff out…” She typed even as her carefully guarded secrets spilled out into the open.

” I am not afraid…, I am not alone…, I can get through whatever ruin you bring with your rejection…, I don’t give a damn about what you think.. I am doing this for me.., I am tearing down all your denials and creating a road past you.., staring today.., I am breaking out of my cage and facing my demons.. I am so fed up of just being addicted to you when you don’t even care about what happens to me.., but I get it.., it’s rude to ask all of this from someone who feels nothing for me.. Nothing… get it.. NOTHING.. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING…! I am with myself for better or worse, You deserve a chance at happiness I guess…, Everybody has got a price…, I am leaving you because you know only to treat me with indifference and a lack of emotion, when all I want from you are kisses, endless conversations and endless hours. So Goodbye dear soul whom I loved as my own. Until our paths collide.” I typed as I prepared my heart for the plunge into the nightmarish world of pain and insomnia.

” Don’t do this…, I need you too.., Why can’t we be friends…? ” She typed to a dead space of online paper.

The Grand Weaver – A witness

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I often find myself wondering. How on earth did I reach the place that I am at right now..? Me with my filthy habits that have hampered my personal, spiritual, creative and professional growth, my miserable life choices that led to immense pain in other people and their lives, my fall into alcohol, drugs and a dark depression that never allowed me to live a peaceful day in my life…, I have struggled with suicidal thoughts for years…., I have battled feelings of fear, inferiority and self hatred for years… Explaining my life to people often leaves them shaking their heads in merriment, they think to themselves… “Look at the exaggeration.., the lies.. and the excellent over dramatic presentation that he uses in order to pad up his so called witness… We knew him all along, he was no such thing”.. they seem to say – Such foolish self absorbed hypocrites these fools often are who always want the spotlight on themselves..Lol.. I have never met people who have ever like really listened to me.. Like know who the real me is.. I can count an ex lover, a few select friends, my parents, my pesky sister( who has always had my back and seems to have an uncanny understanding of me along with my mother) and my beloved doggy in that list of people who seem to be interested in grasping the very personal part of me…, there are usually time periods of interest and then they resort to their former nature of being interested only in themselves..I am not exactly depressed that people have not understood me… I have always done my own thing and not pushed myself on others, I have learned to be bossy but I have no clue about how to be controlling or bossy by nature or instinct… I have tremendous weaknesses in my life but I lack a social sense.. All that I am, I have learned either through experience or through careful observation and self examination.. Within myself I am entirely comfortable and without any qualms.. I can spend years alone and not feel bad about a thing….In my life, I have met many Pharisees and Self centered individuals who have often times knowingly and unknowingly damaged my soft heart.. Being the fighter that I am, I struggled and battled the pain on my own, attempting to create something beautiful out of my pain…But the burden was too much… Since I was placed in toxic and difficult places constantly…, By God’s exceptional Grace… He graciously intervened and took me into His flock. Through long hours of encountering His Patience, His unconditional love, His gentleness, His Fantastic Friendship, His Pure love for me without any expectations… I have become confident that He does love me.. although I still doubt the whys and expect Him to give up on me soon.
I feel ashamed often to stand as if I actually belong in Christ’s Kingdom.. I have always felt that there are people with far better credentials than mine such as Obedience, Devotion, Holiness and Personal Growth in their life… They seem more disciplined in their walk, they seem more in control of their moral nature ( something that I have trouble turning off), They actually have the assurance that they will reach Heaven.. Not me though, I have terrific doubts about my entry …Ha ha ha. Each day is a battle with darkness and my own mortality… ..But I mean that in all seriousness, I often check my mom’s place in the bed at midnight to make sure that the Rapture has not happened yet… We will see how it goes.
But In my life, I have understood that I don’t need to compare myself with another person since life is drastically different in another heart, another soul and in another mind.. So many things push us into waters that we are not often choosing from… We all have different ambitions, drives and ways of approaching life.. I questioned things, I spent a lot of time in Day Dreams, Imagination, books, ideas and seeking Knowledge… I found everything interesting.., I kept diaries to pen down my growth, I wrote bad poems that lacked form, rhythm, rhyme.., I loved Life.., Nature.. Love.. Books.. Sports.. Passions have always ruled my life and will always do so.. Whereas they had the strength, the concentration and the will to power themselves to be acceptable in society’s eyes..and to achieve crucial steps that provided a comfortable, lucrative and a happening life. I have no desire to be like them and I find the same feeling reflected often, although I can sense a few of them respect me for being brave at taking major risks in my life. I love my friends, in my own way.. I have never been envious of their success, I have felt bad that I have not been a better son to my parents since they often desire the same things from me…But apart from that, I enjoy helping people.. Counselling them… Using opportunities to share Christ… Studying with feverish obsession the gospel, theology, culture, music, movies.. Anything to promote my Lord.. I am here to do.. Anything to help further His cause here on our tremendously, indifferent world I am here to do… Although such choices bring me tremendous pressures, anxieties, pain and suffering… I am humbled by the opportunity.. I count it an honor and a privilege…All of these would not have been possible if it were not for encountering Christ who helped me see that my life was important to Him… He spoke to me in His word that I was His…What a great incomprehensible joy..!! What royalty a lowly, stuttering, stage fright containing, shy, dreamy and awkward kid is offered..!! Whenever I see my wealthy, well settled Classmates from both schools.. I find it disheartening that I have abandoned my ambition of proving them wrong for every insult and rude attack on a shy kid once upon a time.. Every rejection and bad word.. I wanted to repay with power, material prosperity and achievements.. It fueled me for years… , I never forgot the way in which it made me feel… But , when I met Christ…. I saw that it was making me go to darker depths.. Rage.. Envy.. Greed…, It was eating away at the character that I have always prided myself on having.. Everything fell into place…, I was able to forgive them even though they might never know their part in my life’s story.. It’s okay .., they did not know any better.. They have troubles too.. Nobody in this life is exempt…Everything that I am.. I owe it all to Christ…, I don’t know if I will make it to Heaven, that is not my reason or my agenda in serving the King of Kings.. I am here as a loyal dog with flaws and weaknesses to partake in His work.. but it is a true honor to serve Him and to know Him in this lifetime.., He has enriched my existence in ways and dimensions that I am yet to perceive.., He drives me, fuels me and makes me want to be better than what I used to be.. I am not there yet, but I am slowly reaching there…, I hope Ill be there.. I have my friend always cheering me on…, believing in me… I hope that He does not run out of patience.. Since I can be a terrible learner.
I am telling you this with joy dear friends… Every bad choice, every mistake and every debacle.. The Long long years of unfruitful living.. Of being repressed, not having people to listen to my pain.. Not willing to share myself with everyone… God has used them to anoint me, to fill me and use to reach people who have never known the depths of His love… I viewed myself as a complete failure, and I wanted to kill myself.. I was tormented by the thought that I could not repay people for the evil that they did to me… Writing me off like I can’t fight back.. For a major part of my life I have always believed that others were far better than me… It was very late in my life that I decided to battle such a lie…, I still have the humility to acknowledge the uniqueness of others and their gifts.. but I know who I am right now…. In Christ I am infinite, otherworldly wise, cared for and deeply nourished and love… so my strength comes from being at peace with who I am… My current life has its everyday wars, battles, struggles, temptations, pressures… I mess up often… I struggle to be who He wants me to be.. But I enjoy being Like Him… It seems to offer hope in dark places.. It makes the world a magical, lovely and beautiful place.

I gain victory in Christ.. He uses every damage and darkness to change me, His methods are unorthodox, unconventional, strange at times, severe at times and fearsome at times.. But He is always battling with me, testing me, refining me.. Never giving up on me.. A worthless loser.. A somebody that nobody ever took the time to know and befriend… Taking wondrous care in creating a product that is every bit as selfless, genuine, deep, compassionate and sacrificing as He is.He can do the same to you.. He can change your life.. He can lift you up from Hell’s dark depths.. He will heal you of every lie that Satan has been feeding you with over the years.. “Poor family, Bad looks, No confidence, Finish off your family loans by yourself.. nobody will ever help you.. You can’t make a difference… You are going to Hell…” … He can be your everything as He is to me… In all honesty, I am not worried that I don’t have a Facebook dp that has a European continent in the background, I am not sad that I won’t marry the girl of my dreams that I fantasized about for years on end and missed out on in college.., I am not sad that everybody that I have ever known rarely understands the real me.., I am not sad that I don’t have albums of photos at world famous places… I am not sad that I have given up on my ambitions.. I got everything that I will ever need in Christ..Nothing compares to Knowing Him… Absolutely Nothing… He alone is enough for me.

Melting, Gripping Echoes – Poem

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Echoes of a billion souls,
Rising up to the highest heavens,
Aching with the void in the depths of their soul,
Why do we feel so alone here again..?
Don’t God love us as evil as we all are..?
Are our feeble, selfish prayers ever heard..?
Verses in an ancient book that seem to testify
to hope supernatural yet found in plain sight,
The Earth’s misery cries every day, But not everyone
perceives, When will the invisible screams still…?
Are there Angels walking among us..?
Why do I find it so hard to believe..?
We live in hell’s upper dens,
darkness gnaws away at our flimsy foundations,
we are helpless and possess no power to war against
the evil that lurks within and around,
We are thrown about, putting our hopes on decay,
we need something to numb the eternal, restless and anguished pain,
Lord… Do you even care about us..?
Broken as we are, Are you out there…?
Can you hear my tears, my pain and my suffering..?
I feel so alone again.

Loner Diaries – Cloudy skies in June

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My mother has always possessed the knack for giving me profound one liners out of the blue… that just jarr me awake from some mindless conscious slumber… and into the depths of a question that I may have picked up subconsciously in my encounters with existence in a place that I can’t fathom, much less comprehend in words that make sense… I seem to always be on a quest to find answers…to seek riches in impoverished hearts.. to find stories in plain, barren landscapes.. I fumble and search in my own inner rooms for answers… The question seems to be formed by encountering the raw, unfiltered, unapologetic assailing flood of reality…, my soul which finds hope in purpose, reason and affirmations immediately breaks in its inner most parts the moment evil, darkness and brokenness seeps in through such disguises…, I need to throw my weakness headlong into the feet of Christ to even have a chance of surviving this maddening, hurting world.. He remains my strength, my confidence, my courage and my only Hope and Faith.

My Ma told me that animals have voices that are not heard, and that we have to hear them and treat them right…. They are ‘Vai illadha jeevangal’ in Tamil, which translates to ‘Hearts(Life) without Mouths’… She told me that after I became frustrated when my 2 year old pup had gleefully torn apart my expensive head phones…, I love dogs.. I love cats.. Parrots… Crows.. Eagles( My personal Favorite- My personality is a lot like an Eagle), Owls.. basically any sort of animal – wild, domestic or abandoned.. I love them all… It is my dream to build a shelter for them along with a shelter for the homeless…, I love dogs especially.. I have spent a whole lot of time with them… Street doggy’s …. Other’s Pets… Personal Pets… Dogs are always so passionate … Just like me… They fall in love with you without ever enquiring about your College education, or status or looks…They are so alive, full of life and in the present that I take great joy in observing them up close whenever I can… I learn so much about my relationship with my Lord by seeing the playfulness, the indignant defiance of my Pup and the wrong choices that she routinely makes…But I can’t ever seem to be angry with her for a long while… Even though I seem to have a different type of a reply to hurt these days. I either feel resigned or take it way too deeply, my Dog sees the best of me because she just enjoys every bit of me .. In her eyes I am her Master.. A privilege, a joy and a soulfully powerful passion… I am just blown away by such deep emotions from an animal that people often take for granted.., it’s hard to feel angry at someone( human or animal) who does that… but with people they are not so easy.. Their actions feels like a rip into my very soul although I never show it on the outside. I can’t understand such grown up changes in my heart.. I was bulletproof for a while, not anymore.. Although I am quite grounded and mature in my responses, I don’t like being treated a particular way.. and that is what I routinely get.. Consciously and unconsciously… But Christ helps me cope, to deal with negativity and to deal with my own negativity, sinfulness and my personal nonsense.

We recently hired a wonderful individual who is both deaf and dumb, and that is where my mom’s dialogue helped, the one about being sensitive towards the differently abled… I see everything through dreamy eyes.. I view her as a different type of a super hero…, One who is entrenched in a past that has made her silent.. a secret that has to be found, and she can only relate or communicate in deep symbols and art…But in real life she has such an infectious personality, life just seems to throb within her… She is very expressive, bright and easily distracted. I have to manage her, an accountant and other vibrant, forceful personalities at work… She has got me thinking a lot.., I am careful to communicate with her everyday on a small basis… I tell her Hi every morning, I inquire about her life.., I ask her stuff about her Faith.. , but I stay afar… since I have to manage her…, I was one of the important people who vouched for more diversity in our Ministry.. Our organization has a unique vision and mind set, and it is my job to guard, act and preserve the heart of Christ on which it was founded upon… My prayers for dedicated individuals who wish to serve the Lord full time seems to have been answered, she is quite efficient in her work and rarely complains…. But I am drawn to the complexity of the situation, I feel terribly sad that she can never ever enjoy some of the everyday benefits that I just take for granted. Like listening to people speak… or listen to music, or even have the ability to just speak back…But I guess that that’s not her take on things… She is blissfully unaware or appears to be oblivious to such perceptions… In a way she is no different from me… I enjoy being mute from the world of people who just speak for the sake of it…, I wonder what goes on in her mind.. I wonder how she sees someone … I love Christ because He seemed to treat everybody the same way but was also highly receptive and loving in his treatment of them… I guess only a reject, an outsider and an outcast like me would understand what acceptance really entails, especially from an invisible man whose love exceeds all human imagination. I have a huge responsibility to share the Christ that I know with her, chiefly through actions… although I have no genius ideas at the moment…  I feel protective like an elder brother, at times like a boss who has to manage her more unformed business side…, communicating is hard because I don’t want her to feel odd when I can’t understand some gesture that she makes… but I am learning.. I have known two other people as special as her… I have a little experience with Mentally Retarded Children.., I am bringing all of that up as if it will help me pad by stats, I don’t say that to impress… I am just curious about their lives… but I want to desperately help as many people as I can… But I don’t know how.. I am a shy, introverted guy who finds companionship in books, dreams, poetry and thoughts. But I am learning that Christ just wants passionate willing hearts ready to serve.
She has settled well…, but I must be more aware of taking an extra effort to be nice to her and never make her feel what millions probably made her feel. Only God can help me in this exercise..I see nothing different about her and me…, Speaking and Sounds are overrated… In all reality I would switch places with her in an instant.. and I would probably love it… But I love what the love of God has done in my life… I am often turned off by the rigid passages of the Bible.., but I know that this special love for the different, for the lowly, the rejected and the forgotten…, for the broken comes from my Lord and Savior… I randomly held the hands of a wandering lady at the beach and told her that I would pray for her…, She seemed irritated by my action which I found endearing.. But I insisted.. She does not know the love inherent in Prayer…, I am not emotionally charged or hyped about this radical part… I know the strain, the stresses and the darkness of dealing with spirits who are anything but normal in certain aspects and very normal in others. But I am driven by the passion of serving Christ and I want to do more… it is causing problems chiefly because I live a very simple, pleasant life… I want to abandon all of my comforts and go to places where I am needed, but I guess I am where I am needed the most.

The creative mind is often times reflective of the heart’s life, and my heart is overwhelmed right now.. I couldn’t record my show today.., and I miss Basketball.., I have to wait another three weeks before I can play…, and I feel it’s impact on my heart… It feels slow, irritable, resistant, uncontrollable and lost… I can’t understand or grasp the intricacies of the deep of the night, or find nuances, emotions or color hues in the farthest corner of the night skies…, I find an inability to connect to my deepest soul at the moment, I worry immediately… I have a lot to say, to think, to feel and to ponder upon… I play music.. It’s okay when the words won’t come … He is nearby.. I have someone who knows how to get me… I can sit by His feet all night long…, He knows me. He is my favorite, there isn’t anything I cannot talk to Him about… Jazz, art, life, love, music, soul… His eternal heart has intuition that is infinite, a love for me that seems heavenly and beyond earthly measures and standards… And.. most importantly.. He is always there for me.. Always.

I wonder often if I am wasting my heart’s desires on temporary mirages, glamorous dead ends and seductive prisons and damaging illusions…. I know I am… , I enjoy chases… but seldom have I caught up with what I have chased with all my heart…Everyone that I care for seem to fall short.. or just plain leave…My choices still seem intent on wasting what I have gained in the pursuit of what I should not be after…, I try my best to be who God wants me to be… but I am still short.. Real short.. If I died today… Hell is where my eternal resting place would be.. which is ironic since there is no rest in Hell.

I have had bouts where I have cried and cried, my soul has felt the intense loneliness of an indifferent universe… My tears flowed from the deepest parts of my heart .. My tears remind me that I have a heart that needs more than just human companionship which I falsely thought was the cure.., my tears help me see that my hurt can be dealt with through just grieving deeply … I began to enjoy my self inflicted damage… I enjoyed seeing myself as a failure… as a wash out… and as someone incapable of Hope… But I had a warrior in my heart too… I hated giving up in real life … but I had nobody that seemed to connect to who I really was… I lost myself in my darkness and shied away from the light… I had no rest…I used to feel that it was my pain that truly helped my soul to write and to be who I was.. Pain was often my refuge… Loneliness used to be another refuge.., Sadness another.. Melancholy another…., I have stayed away from human contact for one full year and many years inbetween… I have closed and sealed off rooms from all things that reminded me of human existence, presence and contact…, I have dwelt in deep dark gloom, I have known the pain of others which I have worshiped as my own.. I don’t know how the light has become a part of my life… I used to enjoy the darkness.. but these days the light is what I crave, need and long for.

I can’t forget my past…, I have messed up.., I have directly messed up people’s lives… I have been impulsive, stupid and foolish… I have wasted major portions of my life… I have made millions of wrong choices… How did I get it all wrong despite being incredibly sensitive, naive and mindful of people, their hearts and their lives…? I haven’t acted out in anger against the tens of hundreds of people who directly hurt me…, I can’t deal with what I did wrong since I have this nature of just checking off all angles, layers, possibilities and choices before engaging in a choice. I can’t deal with the shame.. the sadness.. the anger that it causes in my heart… since I stand for truth and justice even if it hurts my public image, my self image and my heart. But Christ forgave what was wrong in my heart, He healed what I could never forget.. I still find myself haunted and reminded of my past.., its hurts and it’s pain… But I find the intensity bearable, tolerable and manageable. I guess it takes a great sinner to know the great mercy of Christ.

“Beautiful the mess we are.. We pour out our miseries and God just hears a melody” croons Amy Grant in my heart… reaching straight for my heart.. and I must agree… He is creating a melody through my life.. A light against the seemingly insurmountable darkness…, and a joy in the midst of agony, screams and distress…, a strength in moments of storms and despair.. But I am afraid.. that I will fail miserably and never be who He intended me to be. Lord… I hope you are listening.