Unfulfilled Longings – Fictional Short Story

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I’ve been trying to forget her for a long long time and failing really badly at it. It felt like I enjoyed how I felt about her to such an intensity that I struggled to let it go.., but I knew that I had to. God had strictly asked me to let her go.., but I am not a powerful Creator who is mature and absolutely perfect, and who has never made mistakes for billions upon billions of years.., I struggle with my humanity, I struggle with my version of love which involves me falling for people that I like but to whom I can never become loved in their own version of reality. I know that life is unfair this way.. but I get it.., I really do.., It’s not exactly a delightful truth.., but you gradually begin to take it impersonally and learn to accept people for their mistakes and maybe forgive them someday, and accept the fact that their rejection of you is no fault of their own.. It’s just that they can’t see deep inside of your soul, your inner person and your hidden character. People are blind to what is unseen, and the unseen is the very birthplace of romantic love.

It was a dream that helped me remember her again. I would be lying if I were to tell you that she was never in my thoughts. Her name was ingrained into my brain, a mere uttering of her name brought delights into me that prompted much fancy and imagination. She had blocked me on instagram, and on facebook she avoided my messages. She had even friendzoned me in the past, did the universal women’s code for disinterest by not replying to any of my messages for a year, and the last time that she had breezed in acting like there was nothing wrong between us.., she acted like she and I talked daily for hours upon hours.., she played with my feelings before leaving as quickly as she came. Nothing new here. Just a universal female act and drama, since I am highly sensitive.., I felt the familiar meltdown and inner accusation begin. I wrestled with thoughts that insulted my lack of self restraint, I heard voices of painful condemnation that let me know that I should’ve known better with all my years of experiencing rejection. Rejection did not sit well with me.., it would be a thorn in my flesh and sting deep and hurt deep whenever my mind wished to torment me. Perhaps i’m in a war with finding love.

I should describe to you the dream. I remember it vaguely. But the message and the moral of it was clear, it was defeat. I was suffering defeat and rejection from her. If you know me, you should know well that I don’t take defeat well. I remember those who have defeated me, it’s like a curse.., even though Christ has helped me forgive them.., I can’t easily forget those in whose presence I suffered embarrassment, shame and disgrace. As a man, I would avenge my losses.., I had to struggle with such feelings in my faith and force myself to let it go. What I loved about Christ was that, He helped me see that my inner problems were far more greater than the problems of the world and far more dangerous and deadly than all the celebrities, famed ones and writers.

I have no clue as to what triggered me to dream about her. I remember that week well, my faith had just overcome a deadly fear of facing murderous henchmen as I preached the gospel. All day long I would be bombarded by these images, it felt like I was drowning in them and the voices would condemn me about my fears, and about my lack of courage.., and they would whisper that they knew that I was afraid to die for Christ. No matter how strong I attempted to make myself courageous, I lost heart.., because all my life I’ve been afraid of pain, of suffering, of falling victim to poverty, of losing my parents to an accident.., and to many horrors that were all too common in my world. But I remember the LORD just transferring a strange sense of inner burning within me. I was burning and burning within myself, in my heart and just on fire for Christ. I witnessed people drawn to the Gospel and it felt surreal.. how was it possible in this town brimming with strong inner tensions and spiritual evils..? It felt like the fire was living within me made the gospel become more truer than human understanding and affirmations could confirm. I started to receive incredible dreams, many of them were prophetic..,revealing things about my life and calling that I did not wish to be true.

The Lord was again asking me stop longing after her. Believe me when I say to you that I tried to forget her.., I really really did.. but not really. No disrespect to the Lord.., but I couldn’t understand what that even meant. For three years I had stayed pure, moral and single. Despite a bit of fame, I was a saint in my public life, I resisted temptation and ran away from fair maidens in an attempt to please God and to reveal to Him that I was serious about Him this time. I still struggled with lusts in my personal life, but I never gave up in my vision to become more and more Godly. She seemed to initiate in me a delight and joy that I didn’t have a reference to compare it to. I fell for her three years before in a way that I had not done in my entire life, and believe me I’ve fallen many times into empty one sided infatuations. I knew that the Lord’s sharpness of language was done more out of a protective instinct.., i’ve been around Him enough to sense that the deeper and the more deadlier the danger, the sharper His language becomes. I’ve picked up on nuances when i’m around Him.., He speaks a lot when He is still, silent and non-responsive. The Lord is my best friend, I’ve learned to trust Him and even love Him when He is angry and upset with me.., I love how passionate, zealous and possessive He is of me.. even though I pathetically suck at things like immediate obedience. I fail to satisfy Him, but He satisfies me more than words can ever comprehend.

The dream started with me in a place filled with busy people. The people around me felt like they were worldly, a theme that my spirit feels a deep seated unrest with. Since I could always sense that there was something wrong with the picture that I was forced to live in, and I grew always in a state of rattled nerves and disturbed confusion of the world around me. She was there.., I refuse to say her name since it triggers intense longings,wishes and dreams. But she was there.. Perhaps the whole dream was indicative of why she said no to me. I have mistakenly and accidentally tied the knot to somebody for whom I feel nothing, and I am overcome with sorrow at my choice. She meanwhile is stronger than my emotional dilemma, she is stronger to push herself to reach professional success.., I feel like the visual scene despite being hazy was a mixture of college energy and professional glory.., and I could sense another character as well.., a character who possessed her, it was not love.., but it was more of a symbol of belonging. She belonged to him.., he had her wrapped in his fingers despite her fiery, independent nature. And as the reality sinks into me, I break down in shame and defeat. I shudder with my hands above my head in tears, and nobody pays me any notice in this scene. As a fan of Jung, I can read much into the yearnings,the themes and the way that they play out. But I’m convinced that this means that she is trouble. Trouble for my spirit, trouble for my heart and trouble for my mind. I had to abort all of my longings for her that were spawning endless stories, poems and dialogues that I wrote like scripts.. memorizing their ability to transport me to an imaginary confrontation with her.

I woke up feeling melancholic, irate and fully clear about what that dream conveyed, even though I hadn’t discovered the words to explain it yet. I initially struggled to hastily speak this dream to a Gifted Dream interpreter, since the Lord has not enabled that gift within me much to my hurt and pain. I get dreams though, every now and then, it feels like the Lord does not me to become a vision interpreter, or a seer.., and I struggle to deal with that. But I guess it’s okay, even though it’s not. If only I could do something about it, if only I could.

I still remember running into her for the first time. I was just recovering from alcoholic addiction and desperately wanted to stay away from temptation. It was on one of those short story sites, I wrote haunting, melancholic and incomplete stories brimming with passion, love and sadness. I wrote what I struggled to let go. I wrote what saddened me about people that I knew who lived with broken spirits, and I wrote to console other lost souls struggling with similar themes. Believe it or not, my writing was far better then. No, seriously it was.. I had had a dramatic encounter with Jesus Christ, and that had flipped me over upside down, all the fears that had bound me and destroyed me inwardly were asked to leave. I knew that they were fallen spirits, evil to their core.. Who belonged to a realm that the non spiritual eye and mind could not see. The Bible was the only way through which people understood the reality of these dark, hideous beings who worked for lucifer, they enjoyed destroying a man through his mind. I have literally been near the shore of madness, I have stared at myself through the eyes of madness, I know well that only Christ rescued me from such a dangerous and dark evil. My Savior did incredible wonders for me, chiefly to my creative tools, He reminded me time and time again that my imagination, my love for words, stories and my love to understand people as stories came from Him. He even reminded me of His own style of speaking to people through parables the truths of Heaven.

Writing became easier for me because God’s presence in my heart, mind and soul was doing wonders for my creativity. His gift of a new spirit added newer dimensions to my thoughts, to my fertile imagination and to my human longings. My stories were vivid, deep, clear and less tormented.., but yet they were haunting since they spoke truthfully of the sadness of unfulfilled love. How ironic that one such story prompted her friendship..? I still can’t understand why she talked to me.., her friends..i.e her profile friends were well established artists, connoisseurs and craftsmen.. I was an unseen artist who lived for creative glory and art. I’ve often wondered if it was a deception sparked by the fallen ones done in order to remind me of my past blunders and romantic suffering or if it was an incident where I assumed that she was my God ordained muse, lover and wife. I tend to forget often that I am not attractive in some people’s eyes.., especially over an electronic space.., where millions of people portray parts and bits of them in order to draw, lure and attract souls in a revolting worship. It’s not easy for someone to really discover you in the way and intensity that you wish to be found.

I had written a tremendously upbeat tragedy of a love affair. I had utilized the settings to create emotional .. Much like Scorsese’s love for neighborhoods.., I painted a vivid picture of Madras.., and poured into it the longings of human beings beguiled and desperate for love, but often wounding seekers by rapidly retreating. The hero was a struggling writer, the heroine was an Anglo-Indian.., The writer’s friend has a thing for him, and it is her friend who is the heroine.., they are drawn to each other.., but being the rationalist that the heroine is she reasons everything.., and plays a dangerous game of engaging and disengaging the hapless hero, who struggles to find a muse, and a proper intuitive settings for his love. Much of it was from my own life obviously, the heroine character was someone that I had wrongly fallen for at a friend’s wedding. I never saw her again.. Ever. I wished to memorize and commemorate her intrusion into my life with a story that I had written over many many sad songs.

She waltzed in with her usual, girly feminism and joy. Sparkling a conversation that was overwhelming, unexpected and deeply useful for a recovering alcoholic, she revealed everything about herself on that first day. I am still surprised by how in control I was on that particular day, midway through our many hour long conversation…her joy at meeting a genuine artist had faded, my charm had faded and she slwoly began to realize that she was out of control. Reason entered, warnings entered, multiple news stories of creeps online entered her mind.., she freaked and got distant. I could swear to you that on that first day – she fell for me, that she fell in love with me. I might sound desperate, unreasonable and clingy but believe me it’s true. But after that something changed. She never opened up, I wondered rationally if she felt that she didn’t wish to lead me on, I wondered if it was something about how I looked in my online profile, or was it some feminine danger radar that had alerted her.. I didn’t know. By then I had flung my well reasoned control out, and started to become more honest with her.. I would have to wait for hours to get her online, and when she was there she was distant.., aloof, detached.. She didn’t open up.., she spoke briefly and left. There would be occasional signs of life.., a post of mine would get liked.., or she would send some song suggestion on Facebook directly to my messenger.., but after that again the deafening silence would continue… how we had vibed together as people the first time never happened another time.. I could sense her longings, her desires.., but yet again the block was there….I would send non creepy messages well stretched over a space of time, well stretched over months.., and again her defense was impregnable. Something was up. I started to divert my mind, I had been down this road one too many times before, I was on the brink of eternity.. I didn’t wish to fall back into the pit from which the Lord had saved me from. Because I knew with spiritual discernment that it always ended up in the same romantic hell – unfulfilled agony and endless inner hurt. I wanted to protect myself and take myself out of the situation. Because I knew so many souls who were still chasing something they believed was true a million years ago. This was the real ugly nature of female interaction, they start more doubts than calm one’s fears.

After many months and months of shame, defeat and hurt. I walked down to the Lord and asked Him to help me. Can you believe that..? I had forgotten all about my best friend the whole time on this one issue alone and run down yet another fruitless rabbit hole..? How absurd and idiotic. From His comforting side, I stared down into my choice and realized how blind I had been to all the danger signs. I finally allowed myself to be still and comforted myself with my Lord, I was not wrong for believing in something true, noble and beautiful between two human souls.. People are more calculated when it came to matters of the human heart, let’s just say that I believed in it with more innocence, truth and effort.

So that’s the whole deal.. but hey this could’ve happened to anyone right..?

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Attraction – Short Story

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” I just find myself wildly attracted to you…, I just keep thinking about you all the time.., like all day all day.. Kanyeezy style.” I typed even as I felt the familiar rush … She was quite potent.

“What…? C’mon man… are you serious…? I knew that this would happen.” She typed like she was standing right before me but was not listening to me even as I poured out my soul.

” I don’t even know you man.., How can you say something like that to a complete stranger…?” She wrote like she was writing a Toni Morrison novel filled with symbolic, cultural drama.

I felt stung…, hurt…, has it ever occurred to you that my pain is better expressed as quotes, letters and stories…? ( Monologue to myself)

‘ Look, I am just being real.. I don’t know how to say what I am about to say without making it sound like one tremendous cliche’. I know that what I feel is totally normal and quite common, but my heart feels something whenever it rebelliously escapes my struggling restraint and self control and just wanders into you… And believe me there is no greater heartbreak dealer than myself, i’m quite the expert at bearing the intense broken pieces of my heart just longing for you with torturous attempts even as it struggles to confront the larger reality…, I am not expecting anything from you.., as a matter of fact I want to kill this within myself…, because I know that your heart is elsewhere.., and believe me I don’t want to be caught up in one of those awkward one sided infatuations that will just keep killing you day by day.., I know that you are way over my league…and I know that I am not what you dreamt about when you were dreaming for your prince charming… I am the complete opposite of what you actually want… I am a dreamer.., I am shy.. awkward…alienating and a lover of solitude… I am a loner.., I am not exactly relationship material…, I know that you won’t care to know about all of my personal feelings…, I probably sound like a creep.. But I am just being real… You’re just a chance that I take to keep on dreaming baby…It aint’ you.. it’s all me..so keep doing your thing.. living your life.. being that irresistible ray of bouncing sunshine that I desperately want but can’t ever have…’I wrote to her.

‘ Look man…, I hate to state the obvious but i’m just not comfortable with what you’re saying.’ She replied back as though I had not just bared my soul and removed all of my defenses and was now standing naked and vulnerable before her awaiting her stern, indifferent voice.

‘ Mhmm, I get it…, ha ha ha … Listen, like you don’t need to cut me off or anything okay…I get it.., you have to act rude and dispose me off like I am someone who has become an obstruction.. I am probably taking on the form of people who have incited irritation and reckless annoyance in you in the past.. Some lousy desk job clerk who made you feel like you were once again back in school against the more popular kids who seemed worlds apart and never for once acknowledged you or even made you feel special about yourself…, or it might have been some local perv who kept staring at you when you were on the metro train… Making you feel weird, fearful and horrible inside… In all honesty you will probably be more angry with me than with all these other varieties of scum…, because you know that I am not what you want.., and you will feel nothing while I will feel everything that you don’t feel. I will view your inability to feel nothing towards me with the greatest regret, it will keep killing me because I won’t be able to handle the fact that I am not able to give you what you need…, a year from now.. I would still be consumed by the fact that you were nothing apart from an infatuation…, you won’t see things about me that I would definitely want you to see…, I have this tendency to fall hard for things, for people that I can never have…, So I guess this is not even about you.. but all about me…, just longing eternally for dreams that in reality are wasting the best parts of me… But I am a bird.., I see too much to believe in.., You can’t fault me.., I am a dreamer, I will only reach for the stars and for what I see can fill me.’

‘ Listen Joe.., don’t do this…, you are making me feel all bad now…, first of , we are miles apart…, I prefer him okay.., I love him completely…, He completes me…, I can’t stay a day without thinking about him…, He is constantly on my mind… He wants to introduce me to his parents the next time they are here , The thing that I love the most about him is his heart…, He texts me throughout the day and we talk about everything and anything.., I can see my future with him.. my life makes more sense with him..,

‘ Mhmm.. I can understand… whatever I feel for you.. You feel for him..except in your case it’s mutual…, and don’t for a minute think that I can’t sense how organized and calculated you were when you bagged him. I mean for real…? Is that love …? A series of calculations..? Requirements…? Are your feelings just turning up a little bit too much…? What’s God to a non-believer… who don’t believe in anything..? That’s you right there honey bun..!

‘ Now there you go quoting Kanye again…, and I am not calculated by the way…, just because I don’t feel something for you does not in any way make what I feel fake.., stop calling me babe and honey.., stop it please…, it’s a little too much.’

” Oh yeah, and just how did you fall for this guy…? I asked bitterly, ‘ I was the one who saw you first, I just didn’t say it out loud because I knew that you were way too good for me, I knew that you were way over my league and I also knew that I wouldn’t even be acknowledged and experienced by you…!, and then some punk who you just felt for a second becomes your Mister forever and the perfect Christian hunkalicious beau just perfect for the Post Wedding album just because he asked you out…? Is this for the fulfillment of your day dreams…? And for a great start in life….? Just what is this love…? Huh…? Falling for perfect, unbroken people with no darkness and scars…? Are you even sure that he even needs love..? This romantic love seems selfish doesn’t it..? Designed too much for one’s own self esteem and not for someone who truly desperately needs and wants it right…? I don’t know if he needs you in the same way that I do.., He seems way too perfect…, Too good to sound true.., I want you for more than your looks okay..? I love your heart… your soul… I will always make you feel loved…, I may not have much and believe me that will definitely turn you away from me…, but I am more than my circumstances.., and just when is love supposed to be about material prosperity and success…? Isn’t it supposed to transcend and overcome all such impermanent things..?”

‘ You know how I know that I really really feel something for you… ?’ I typed to her.

” Please enlighten me Mister Philosopher” she quipped with a caustic text just ripe with indignance. She was probably fuming by now, She was cute when she became indignant.., My sweet perfect muse, my sweet addiction… my paramore.., my light, my hold and hand that lifts me up from the dark. My dream that gives life to my heart and my soul… the day dream that will fizzle, the infatuation whose existence is taking it’s final few breaths…, the last dream before the maiden from realityville

” This pain.., This intense pain in which is the essence of my human misery… this pain of being stupidly, impulsively wrong… of wasting my love on the wrong person…, or rather expressing it’s intensity, it’s purity and it’s innocence to someone uncapable feeling it’s beauty and not open to feel …. you know the last person who told me that she loved me left me with blood stains on the floor.., even as I lay bleeding…, all that she wanted to do was do what was right for her… Funny how the rules keep changing when we want something eh…? We are more than willing to ease up if we can get a package deal right..? Like great family background.., great looks.., Oh you love him for his faith…? Right…, I’m sure that your attraction has little do with his faith right..? I’m sure He will automatically become the angel that fell from heaven.., or the only one in a billion who just saw you when the rest didn’t right..? Baby I ball so hard that I ain’t even supposed to be here..tick tock”

” What’s with the tick tock dude…?” She asked in what seemed like the crunching of cereals even as the radio demonstrated a never fading voice of static and ill electric snickers.

” You are now watching the throne, Don’t let me get into my zone,
The stars are in the building.., their hands are into the ceiling, I know that I am going to kill it,
Don’t let me into my zone…?” …..Kanye West feat Jay- Z’s Ni** in Paris…?” I asked her in mock horror.” Plus my time with you is limited right…?” I typed

” Tell me, Tell me… Is it his youthful exuberance..? Shall I induct him into the hall of fame as the only star that stirred up all your feminine flames…? He must be an asteroid about to impact your galaxy’s blueprint..? I don’t care what metaphoric role that you have created for this krypton of my soul.., I don’t care.., I really really don’t… But like I said.., I am an invisible man … My honesty is really brutal…, I am a doodler of unresolved, unsymmetrical poems.., an artist of epic emotional short stories…, What do I gotta do to get through to you..? I am an elevator between your soul and mine. Please understand your discrimination.., You are discriminating against me by not making your mind about me.., I know that you all spend enough time thinking and analyzing every tiny little detail. But uh oh.., have I forgotten my place and become an assassin and an indecent, hulking piece of rock..? He is probably in your dreams.. in the songs that you listen to or pick… or in the movies that remind you of yourself. Pardon me I am really just being ironic.” I typed without thought.

” Joe…, I really like you .. okay…? I do.., I just owe it to myself to see where this leads.., I am not one to give up on something that I started alright..? And it’s not like we are perfect.., we are still trying to figure stuff out…” She typed even as her carefully guarded secrets spilled out into the open.

” I am not afraid…, I am not alone…, I can get through whatever ruin you bring with your rejection…, I don’t give a damn about what you think.. I am doing this for me.., I am tearing down all your denials and creating a road past you.., staring today.., I am breaking out of my cage and facing my demons.. I am so fed up of just being addicted to you when you don’t even care about what happens to me.., but I get it.., it’s rude to ask all of this from someone who feels nothing for me.. Nothing… get it.. NOTHING.. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING…! I am with myself for better or worse, You deserve a chance at happiness I guess…, Everybody has got a price…, I am leaving you because you know only to treat me with indifference and a lack of emotion, when all I want from you are kisses, endless conversations and endless hours. So Goodbye dear soul whom I loved as my own. Until our paths collide.” I typed as I prepared my heart for the plunge into the nightmarish world of pain and insomnia.

” Don’t do this…, I need you too.., Why can’t we be friends…? ” She typed to a dead space of online paper.