My beautiful, sweet mess – Short Poem

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How strange this desire to want, need, thirst for and crave someone…?
Tell me where can I take shelter from this obsessive pressure..?
I want to run away from this crazy heart that I possess,
Run like Joseph did from Potiphar’s wife.
Do you wanna know why..?

There is a reason I am pouring out my heart to you listener with a seeking heart,
because I am afraid for what it has done unto me in the past,
it has left marks and scars where formerly dreams used to hide.
My eyes, they don’t see colors anymore,
I am a man who now shuns his eyes.

I am afraid to desire her,
I know that I want her,
but you see, that is the problem.
I had convinced myself that I needn’t care.
I have come past ghouls and horrors that once tortured my soul.
Dreamer that I am, I suffered reality’s cruel strikes,
Demons played and wrecked a tremendous destruction upon my soul.
Dragging me even unto the gates of death.
But my curse seems to pull me into complicated situations that are full of
wreckage and mindless abandonment.

She has another,
Everything that I feel for her,
this intensity, this deep desire of my soul to possess her soul,
She feels for somebody else,
You know that I can’t bear a truth such as that,
How did I get myself into this mess..?
I am not going to psycho analyze every contact with her with my heart’s
detective lens, I know when somebody wants somebody else..,
I really really do.. It hurts like every ache in the universe
has decided to cry.

Why am I staying here, waiting in painful uncertain obliviousness..?
Why do I enjoy this stinging pain of yet another disaster..?
I believe that I enjoy being the martyr..,
I believe that I enjoy the chase, the challenge,
the thrill, and the exhilaration.
I know that I see myself as a hero in hiding, who will pounce upon whoever he believes in his heart is his princess..,
I wonder if I truly do need her..?

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How I want her to be Vs How She Really is..! – A poem and an imaginative survey of my former heartbreaks and rejections.

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How I want her to be:

Her: You know the reason why I have been giving you the cold shoulder is because I have actually been in love with you.
Me : Thank you so much, that makes all the sense in the world.
Her: I can’t wait to be your wife, your soul mate.., your everything.. I know that we have never met.., but I have always known that you were the love of my life. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.
Me: Wow.., I feel the same way, I have felt that way since the beginning.. and since the second I met you.

How she really is:

Reality and self hate:

She has been consumed in her world, she forgot you the moment you left.., You did not even make an impression.., she rarely ever though about you, never went through your Instagram, your Facebook accounts and most definitely did not give you missed calls.., and has not been dreaming or longing for you in the same way that you have been of her, and check this out.. Heartbreak Cliche’ – She has been very much in love with this guy that she met, oh.. did that hurt Romeo..? I’m sorry did that just burst your romantic bubble.. Didn’t I tell you to stay out..? Yeah..time you started listening to your brain a little bit more Einstein.

Doubts begin their beautiful wrecking process:

Wow.., if this is not what it appears to be..,what about all the events of my life that I feel have other explanations.. Spiritual wars being fought for my sake..? Divinely arranged events that lead to my redemption, my strength and to my happiness…!

Man screw the other explanations… they are the ones that really hurt and make it worse and harder than it has to be.., but I can’t accept the truth of what happened right now.., it makes me fumble and struggle in vain to put up a facade.., Now I have to act like everything is okay.. when I am crushed.. destroyed.., How can I even recover from all of this..? I can’t feign strength anymore, I am too weak, Lord Help me..Please… I can’t deal with these types of experiences again Father.., You were right.. I’m sorry I left Your safety to venture out into this unwanted dark nightmare.. For once I would like for things to go the way I want them to be. Lord, I can’t take this anymore.. I want out.. Like out of the whole spectrum of the human experience.. I can’t be such a sucka for this, I have the wisdom of a sage now, but the foolishness of a dog…

Hope and common sense have a conversation:

I mean she texted me that one time right..? There had to be something behind that.. I mean she forgets all about me for a year…, and then all of a sudden.. She messages me on my phone right.., that’s got to be a sign right..? Right..? Please let that be a sign.. I am tired of holding on to people who never held on to me in the first place.. I am a forgotten place.. A forsaken desert.. a place of abandonment.. Rejection Avenue.. Oh yeah, I take it really personally…, Real personal.. that’s who I am. I am looking for love in all the wrong places.. I got to be a little more realistic and connect with people that I Know in like real life.., and not people who live so far away. I hope you learn something important from all of this.

I speak to the Lord :

Lord..? Lord…? Please.. hear me…, my heart is broken.. by a fantasy that went too far..! I’m sure you were there throughout as I fancied and fantasized…I’m sure that you even warned me a couple of times.. Why didn’t I listen to You..? You obviously know a lot more about Her than me.., but as always I had to take charge, take a plunge into uncertain land and rely on my own instincts and feelings…, Will I ever be right Lord..? Why did I have to feel this way all of a sudden for no meaning..? I have been completely alright for over three years with no candidates in sight… I am afraid aren’t I..? Afraid that I won’t find this so called ‘One’…? Afraid that I won’t live the life that I always dreamed about..? All she offers me are empty blank spaces on social media, unanswered messages that pile up in the dozen…, long long periods before answering with a few words…, that just smells of a lack of interest, and a … I wish I wasn’t so interested, I was fine being alone Lord…Who am I kidding..? I want what I dream of too.. I deserve a good person right..? Everybody else is falling left and right in love.., I am like the only man who always gets left off..? Why does this keep happening to me Father..? Please help me.., I don’t want her anymore.., please help me forget all that happened.., and please get rid of this inner blade just stabbing me endlessly within.., I can’t deal with the shame and the embarrassment.., this pain is too intense and overpowering… Help me please.

Deliverance:

I was wrong Lord.., I should not have done this without consulting You. I am sorry.. But please.. listen to me as I am being hurt by my own heart’s inability to handle realistic situations…,
Nobody can ever take Your place.. I am sorry, in a way I was searching for somebody with whom I could be as close as I am always with You.. But I was fooled and duped again.., People seem to have their own feelings and eyes, You would know Lord.. For thousands of years.. People have done the same to You… In a way I have done it to You too…, forgive me and forgive them for all our stupidities.., Forgive me for putting someone else over You.., But Help me now.. For I need You to reach into my own heart’s darkness and help me still what has been let out…, Bring me into You.., I can’t deal with this stuff.. But I know that You will deliver and Free me ultimately.., I love You.. Godspeed

She Left Me – A Poem

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Who do I write this to..?

Who dares to listen and feel without Judgment..?

She belonged to the brats, the flamboyant and the self confident,

They took careful precautions to create worlds that contained drops

of the Western world and their raging, empowering ambitions,

I met her when I was just slowly discovering the wealth within myself,

Our paths crossed,

I felt that she was a bright, gleaming star, who inspired sighs and wishes,

She probably would look much better with someone Rich and Assertive,

With some Modern, Pseudo Socialite Appearing Indian with his own car

and an accent that spoke of a private education,

not with a Shy Dreamer who enjoyed the stars and climbed lonely mountains,

But for some reason I wanted her, I wanted to love her,

I wanted my heart to think only of her,

And she gave me mixed signals,

On some days it was I can’t get enough of you,

On others, it was.. Don’t get in my way.

But my life’s inward spaces seemed impoverished for a wealthy snob such as her,

I couldn’t fake her clique’s self assured enthusiasm, or promise her exotic getaways,

I could only promise her my love, poor as it may appear to be,

But she was too busy being the object of Men’s interests,

So I turned into the Great Gatsby and pined away for her,

I wrote her love poems,

I spoke to her through silence, I offered my soul when her anguish intensified,

I comforted her through my weirdness, I hugged her when she lied to protect her deceitfulness,

I enjoyed her moody snobbishness, her rudeness made her endearing,

I enjoyed her continual rejections which she lavished on me without reasons,

But still I was drastically different, I accepted her soul,

and not her body, her wealth or her outward beauty or her seeming intelligence,

and she loved me for it. But She did not know what to expect, Nobody had ever loved her like this.

She was used to being chased, worshiped and bowed down to,

I wanted to do nothing of that sort.

I despised false appearances, impressions and pride,

She thrived on what I despised.., but still I felt her drawn to me,

I was warm, she was cold,

I was shy, she was bold,

I was fearless and Blunt, She was Sharp and Fierce,

I despised her world, she found comfort in mine,

We met in sparks of passion but then she retreated away, fearful and defiant.

She wanted me, and I knew it.., but she wanted more.. She wanted me in a

fashion that suited her refined tastes and sophisticated meaninglessness.

I was never asked to make a choice, or given much notice.

She began to slowly pull away as the winds grew in power,

She did not understand a love that demanded everything,

She had not loved without comforts, pleasure and riches,

She had not loved someone for their heart,

She did not know a love that was sacrificing, enduring and generous,

I could see it in her eyes, in the way she leaned on me and yet made

me feel unwanted,

I could see it in her words, they were cutting and full of condescension,

I was being let off, there were no more late night phone calls,

No more cute messages with smileys and kissing animations,

I was no longer as desirable as she had thought.

Weren’t opposites supposed to attract…?

I had no claim on her, I could not hold her with memories of what had been,

She seemed to grow more and more far and oblivious,

I had been discarded, her use of me had ended,

I was being let off, fired, transferred, abandoned, forsaken.

I no longer meant anything to her,

I had been a brief brilliant glow of light in a shallow pool of darkness,

but now I was mere ashes,

I had been cast off, She had left me,

It stung, It hurt and It worsened day by day.

My sweet, fierce, snob left me and decided never

to associate with me ever again,

Why can’t happy endings happen in real life…?

Why can’t Wallflowers love Bright, Vibrant Damsels whose vigor was the intoxication of

the oppressed and the systematized…?

Why couldn’t She love me..?

Glory

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Resistance is within us,
One day the war will be won,
Until then victory will seem afar,
But for now I am called to be a hero. 

For the cross of Christ, 
I am called to war within me,
His blood lifts me to heavenly heights
Even as I battle the fiery urges of Hades within me.
I am a troubled warrior, a meek saint, a timid yet glorious weapon, I am the cause but The power of the Cross is my drug…,
It beckons me on,
I will be sure in the midst of my nerve numbing uncertainties,
I will strive to carry this torch across thousands of miles,
I have the chance to right my evils and all the wrongs committed in my own history,
I will not be defeated by the overpowering might of the darkness ,
Lord make me strong, I am your enemy, 
I need You to drag me to the finish,
I can’t do this on my own,
I serve You and You alone,
I want that Heavenly crown,  I want you to call me a hero,
The day to change is now,
I don’t ever want to ever look back, for my past and my bleeding scars are lethal,
They take my energy and defeat my faith’s heart…
Lord… I need Glory,
I need You,
Drag me to the place where your throne stands