Piercing the darkness – Part One

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Yosef watched with mute keenness the entire scene. There were so many humans there, most of them would never realize the reality of their inner soul and it’s precarious position in the sight of the Lord. None of them would know that a similar fate would meet them if they did not repent of their inherent wickedness, spiritual rebellion and mindful sinfulness and accept the precious sacrifice of the Lord Jesus Christ done for the benefit of humanity.

No one would be able to see him, the Lord had tired of satan using the unseen realm to fool men into believing in stories that men’s imagination devised, during the days of Noah and Enoch, Lucifer had created grand displays of men’s imagination.. Giants had lived, and had invited men’s worship and awe… further deceiving themselves and falling deeper and deeper into the nature of their own minds, by claiming to be wise, they fell away and into the snares of the ancient dragon who led them all away from the one true God and into fables, myths and fantasies.. lucifer knew how to sense such imaginative and deep souls…, Most of them would be born either in the months of March, June, September or February.., he carefully read their imaginations because he had been granted access of the soul, when the Lord created man. Man’s soul stirred up strange imagery that murmured in the restless heart of a man deep in sleep, if only a man listened to his soul during his sleep..? But the Lord had purposefully concealed knowledge of their language from man’s wisdom, natural discernment and understanding… The Lord only wanted men to be saved from Hell, His End time Judgment and from His ferocious wrath in this age…The Lord had created man using mud, but the Lord in His tremendous all encompassing wisdom had generously granted men a bit of His spirit’s intoxicating eternal mystery.. this was what men called soul.., when men lost sight of earthly things and like a child believed in the Lord Jesus and His powerful resurrection and sacrifice.., their soul converted into a spirit…and in that spirit the Lord would reveal Himself in ways that the human mind with its limits could never fathom… The Lord did not intend for the father of lies to have access to man’s soul, but His truthful absolute made it possible for His absolute goodness as well…. The fall of man opened up the soul to the evil of the fallen one.., the ancient sinner… Yosef’s face grew grim as he thought of the horrendous evil that the Serpent had created all through the ages.. all because of the knowledge that he had stolen from Heaven.., Filthy robber.., his end was coming soon.., The Lord was just anxious to save as many souls as He could before the vile serpent would raise the final deception upon all of mankind… Even an evil would glorify the Lord ultimately, such is the Lord’s law.

His senses were used to the earthly pain by now, Yosef was deeply sad but he was an angel. He did not possess man’s flesh which created deep sorrow and suffering in the case of tragedy. Man’s pain was more acute because of the way in which the Lord had created an inner system of life.. Yosef meanwhile belonged to another realm, but his duties were always to watch, guard and protect against severe outbreaks of tragedy, pain and suffering…Yosef saw the different reactions in each soul that stood by the dead body, the medics were on their way, he could hear the sirens 5 kms away.., He knew the names of all the people in the crowd. There were 10 people besides Tim who had been viciously gunned down. The Lord enabled man to choose actions with his own free will.., and man always chooses evil, because apart from Christ all that man knows is the evil inside of him… but the Lord had in His great mercy granted men natural controls over the inner depravity so vast and unrealized in a man’s inmost being.. His heart without God’s presence was deeply wicked and sinful, Men’s hearts were always restless, wicked and without a thought of the actions that would be triggered by their indulgence in sin. Mankind did not realize that their indwelling sin was the reason for all the chaos, mess and vile ugliness in what had been God’s precious world… Yosef knew things beyond man’s wisdom, Yosef could only sadly smile at the proud and haughty thoughts of men who assumed themselves to be gods.., Yosef and his fellow brothers, the guardians of this world shivered and trembled as they thought of the truth that was hidden to all of mankind. Mankind were given too little information about Yahweh’s incredible Glory… Men on this planet tired of everything.., they would grow weary, restless and begin to search and scour for inner peace.., Never realizing that it is only in Jesus that the greatest love and solution of all that a man’s heart can feel is found in.. How tender was the Lord’s mercy towards these clueless rebels and condemned..?

Man did not have the power to realize the evil that was so piercingly pervasive in every inch, fiber and space of humanity and all her grandiose creations. Yosef wondered if he should separate the soul from Tim..? Tim’s father would be devastated.., his mother had left Tim’s father when he had been young.., She wanted to freely indulge in debauchery, she had listened to her heart and it had deceived her without her knowledge.., She had left to Las Vegas.., she had tried out every sinful indulgence over there, and was now trapped by the lusts for alcohol and immorality… Yosef knew intimate things about people, he could see the paths that they were choosing for themselves, he could see the deceiving spirits gleefully chaining people who lusted after the world and its pleasures and giving most people an illusion of control, freedom and independence… but the Lord had firmly closed her supply, her finances and her promiscuity by giving her health issues in her kidneys… Tim’s father was a Godly man.., crushed by his wife’s free spirited nature.. Steve struggled to stay afloat.., but that was when a local youth pastor, Joe had invited him to a Saturday evening concert and Service.. Steve’s life had turned radical, he found God’s power to forgive the grievous sorrow of losing his wife to the world.., he became a praying man.., and he spent many hours on his knees..Praying for his neighborhood.., he became a Prayerful Watchman for his neighborhood.. Zealously praying for the Lord’s will and Help to be available to the lost souls in his vicinity.., he even prayed zealously for his wife to find her way back to him.., he prayed for Tim endlessly, and the Lord had listened and had put in plan a sequence to save him.

Tim had wanted a coke and some hersheys, when Simon, the local gang-banger triggered to irritation by a spirit of aggression to strike fear in the drug infested neighborhood had opened fire at a local midnight store which had asian owners. Simon, had grown up poor.., he had slept on the sidewalks, his parents had divorced…his mother was a dope fiend and had neither the time nor the conscious recognition of him as her son, but a chance encounter with a drug dealer had altered his life forever.. Triggered deeply to never feel that shame, pain and sorrow.. Simon had struck fear in the heart of roswell neighborhood.. Driven by a maniacal pursuit of power.. Simon created a gang that spread drugs, violence and pain… Yosef remembered that the Lord had spoken many times to Simon’s conscience, but the local territorial spirit created calamities that struck a deeper fear into the heart of Simon, causing him to sink deeper into the mob life.

Caught by a barrage of bullets, Tim had fallen down, unconscious in a pool of his own blood. He had been dead for upto 10 mins by now.., passers by had shrieked in horror at the lifeless body, Stan the Asian who took care of the midnight store had forgotten the bullet sprayed windows.., he had rushed to Tim’s side and had called 911.., Yosef had seen Stan crying at the sheer injustice of it all, passersby had all been attacked by demonic hordes of terror, fear and indifference.. Many of them had run away.., Yosef could not believe their actions, but the devil’s hellions were working to create fierce divisions and factions within mankind.. even now he could see these demons so vicious, vile and violent spread lies into the hearts of the few people who stood there.. Yosef was a high ranking Angel, He had enough power to crush and send off these pathetic hellions scampering to the shady realm of the underworld… but the Lord had not spoken through the saints in Heaven…Yosef for now was to watch over and reduce in measure, the evil of this place… Why were mankind so foolish to not pray..? Did they not know that prayer opened up the floodgates of heaven..? Yosef could only observe what men’s freewill opened their unprotected lives upto.., Mankind rarely asked for the Lord’s help.., they were too caught up in some imaginary world of their own creation…He was sad.., Tim had just begun meeting Rosie.., Rosie was skeptical of her faith, but one of the reasons that their life paths crossed was to trigger Tim to deeper examine his faith as he saw Rosie’s excuses to not stand for Christ..,Only the Lord knew who He would save at all costs.., but the Lord treated everyone like the same, but once again there were deeper mysteries to the Lord’s plans that Yosef loved.., Yosef felt his heart swell as he thought about the Lord.., It was such an incredible honor to serve the true Master of the universe…Oh if only men could see the Lord, or even sense in their inner being His truths.. Yosef sighed.., happy that angels had been spared the fate of humans…but still determined to stand for the Lord’s cause for wicked, selfish humanity…Yosef knew that there had been a chance that the Lord would’ve sparked the lives of Tim and Rosie.. The Prayers of Tim’s father had protected Tim on many many occasions, but Tim had hardened his heart against the Lord since Tim felt that he could not believe in someone who had not done anything to unite his mother and father… Tim also lived in an unsafe neighborhood… murders, drugs and prostitution had hardened his heart and aroused anger at what he assumed was either a non existent fantasy or a detached God who hardly cared about His creation… Yosef could only think in awe of the Lord’s tender mercy as He saved billions and billions of ungrateful cowards, murderers, fornicators, sorcerers, selfish and godless mortals so dead in their sins… It was sad that Tim had never grasped Jesus strong enough in his life, despite the hundreds and thousands of chances that Yahweh had offered unto him.

(to be continued)

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My Escape from Hell – A real account, Please Read:

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Friends., Hell is real. Friends let me repeat to you again, Hell is real. Let me reiterate another saving truth, ONLY JESUS SAVES.., ONLY JESUS SAVES.. Let me tell you how I learned of this truth in my life. My life is quite a big canvas, I must draw you to my life four years before I met Christ on my knees just before I was about to jump off of the fourth floor.
I was the son of hardworking parents. I always felt awe as I saw my parents work, earn respect and help many a lost soul. My love for them was based on how they were good to other people, I grew up with a compassion for people, and an attitude of wishing to help many a soul in this hard world. Our first home was a place of many fond memories for me. It was sandwiched between houses on both sides, but we had a idyllic garden behind our home, and spacious inner rooms filled with all kinds of electronic products and books that had been forgotten. But to a hyperactive kid, passionate and wired to play non stop, they were hidden worlds that needed exploration.., I spent most of my time exploring these neglected objects, investigating them and feeling a thrill course through my heart as I spent hours lost to my own company. I was a shy kid, a loneliness desiring kid.., as much as I enjoyed people.., In my alone time., I would dream, draw trees, stare for hours at the stars as my parents softly snored away, and enjoy the melancholy of my own heart and soul. I was a deep kid, I could sense things, objects, memories and spirits in places, people and objects that most people can never see, feel or know of. I have had many puzzling experiences from my youngest years, where I could sense disturbances so clearly in a place where everything felt fine. But I long more to talk to you about my lifelong fear of Hell, and my experience with the Lord regarding Hell.
Hell was ingrained to me by my parents from a young age. They never used it as a fear tactic, they never scared me with it or attempted to discipline me with it, but they talked to me about it and warned me that life without Jesus ensured Hell. For most of my life I viewed it as a normal experience, this healthy inner fear helped me obey God and always helped me to come back to Him as I drifted away as often as it happens in this life.
Possessed with a natural curiosity, I always drifted far from the righteous knowledge fed to me from a young age. In my early years, I sensed that my consciousness would prohibit a strong commitment to the Lord. I was young, tender hearted, shy and insecure who always felt a strong sense of being out of place in a world that never accepted, loved or wanted me. Apart from my parents, family and a few rare individuals.., I could sense deeply that I was not wanted by anybody.., I was never the most good looking, I was the weakest student academically, I hardly knew how to talk.., I was nervous, shy, afraid and confused by all that was happening around me… No girls openly enjoyed my company, my teachers were always focusing on my inabilities and punished me severely..often. At home, I felt sad as I watched my parents struggle against mighty waves and provide, I saw them sacrifice their health, their wellbeing and their peace in order for us to have a good life.., I felt burdened and responsible for their sufferings, for many many years, I walked around with an acute sense of sorrow, since I was not exactly a great investment. I was never good at anything, and the things that I loved, I was unable to be the best.., I only knew discouragement, failure, pain and sadness in those early years. But I always hid these in my heart, I had been mocked and teased for being physically weak and bullied, I wanted to project a tough image to others, I bore these and buried these within me, nobody would ever know what hurt me, or made me feel down.., I would find a way to overcome them. That was my mentality back then. I am talking about stuff that I felt 14 years ago.
I loved the Lord the first time that I met Him, I met Him first when I was 13 years old, I gave my life to Him immediately. A local evangelist by the name of R. Stanley told me that I had to become born again in order to know Jesus as Lord. I was puzzled by the language used since I did not exactly understand what it meant, but I sensed intuitively that it ensured that Jesus had a place in my heart, I emphatically nodded my head even though I was disturbed deeply by behaviors exhibited by christians at the local church. I never enjoyed feeling ignored, neglected and punished.., most of the so called christians that I knew only exhibited such traits.., many of them were crude, unforgiving, unkind people.. as much as it pleased me to offer my life to Jesus.., I worried if I would be able to live it out. Like always, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to. The heart always plans a deviation from serious responsibilities, and my heart likewise did the same. At the time that I gave my life to Christ, nothing spectacular happened.., but I felt a sense of strength in my love for Him..shortly afterwards the course of my life would change forever, I failed my eighth standard. In short I had to repeat it all over again, this reality would become my life for the next few years as I would repeatedly be warned, punished and verbally abused for never measuring up to the standard that everyone else was in. I was returning from a swimming class when I got the message that I had failed, It was not exactly a surprise, since studies bored me.., it felt too dull, uninspiring and dead. But still the realization that I would be demoted to a lesser class and study alongside younger people felt embarrassing to me. It would be humiliating, shameful and hurtful, I would be teased, insulted and shamed in public by certain bullies and I already had enough trouble making friends and becoming known.
I was already at the bottom of the food chain, this would publicly shame me in a way that would scar me for the rest of my life or so I thought. Like many other times in my life I wanted to run away, escape and be forgotten by all the people who had known my life thus far. I wanted another chance. And once again thoughts of Hellfire, Of demonic beings and God’s wrath percolated my inner being, scaring me deeply, warning me and once again leaving me after the message was conveyed
Boarding school was the new beginning. What began with nervous expectation quickly soured into yet another forgettable experience. What I received as abuse mentally in my former school, became physical in the next experience. Punishments, Late-comings, Failures, Extra classes, Harsh punishments again from the wardens, the teachers, etc was my life at boarding school. Obviously there were memorable friendships, innocent infatuations, cool experiences that refreshed my spirit, but my actions, my presence and the response that the law makers of that place had towards me shaped my reality and stay there, although things got better once I reached 12th grade.. Still life was hard, you had to clean your cot, your box, look after yourself, wash your clothes and wake up early morning at 5 for four solid years wihout excuse… I made it harder since I began to resist the whole experience, and became an outlaw of sorts who began to do things my way because after a while I discovered that some of the teachers enjoyed punishing me and disciplining me. As strong as I felt to rebel against the strict law keepers of my boarding school, I began to think of deeper things. My reality made me search for a deeper meaning and a deeper purpose quickly, at age 16 I was already wrestling with what mattered most in life, and with what was the meaning of life. I was a natural philosopher who spent long hours contemplating what I saw, what I felt and what I dreamt for. I chose for my company the fine trees, loneliness and books. My grades dropped, but my self awareness grew, my punishments grew but my inner courage and resilience grew deeper. My rebelliousness created a shift in my thoughts and attitude, for the first time in my life possessed of a natural instinct from within me I began to care less about what other people thought of me, and began to worry more about what I wanted. But still in the midst of such growing pains I would get reminders of Hell, of Jesus and of Judgment day. I would pause, feel warned and then change my ways.., but once again natural obstacles would discourage me and find a way to beat me until I submitted to a worldly form of thought.
I survived four years, passed through three colleges, learned more, suffered more, felt more, experienced more.., became a young adult with a freedom of will, choice and action. I began to choose wrongly. I began to discard the religion of my youth for worldly experiences. I studied philosophy, freely debated atheistic minds, listened to God haters, God mockers.., opened my experience to include others and their religious beliefs.., but still Hell and its existence would frighten me.., I began to use Hell as an anchor of sorts once again, for I wished to drift, feel more, experience more and know more.., the thirst for knowledge gripped me.., I wanted to know how to be a man, I wanted to know how to come to terms with my masculinity, I wanted to know how to reach into the potential within myself.. I was preoccupied with understanding of the self that lay within me. I was also intrigued by answers provided by science, atheism, philosophy, psychology, spirituality, mysticism and other reason oriented fields. I studied them in great detail.., I encountered opinions, judgments and accusations that began to break the roots of my faith. I felt stricken, because I loved Jesus.., true I hated the pettiness of His children, but I could not find it in my heart to hate Jesus. I chose to hide Him in my heart, and also follow whatever I wished to seek, discover and understand. I destroyed all fear of Hell with reason derived from atheism and science. In my eyes, I was doing this for good, because I was finally coming out of a stronghold of fear imposed by religion, by orthodox, formal and repressed religious people and moving into the endless potential of the human heart.
I chose writing as the field that I wished to excel in. This came from my love for books, imagination, memories, from my love for people and understanding them, and from my love for places and attempting to depict them. But fast forward a few months, and I was making all kinds of wrong choices left and right. Stripped of the choking moral framework of Christianity, and experiencing a framework constructed of my own knowledge, I chose indulgence, desires, impulses and a total satisfaction of basic human needs. I found myself experiencing higher highs, but the lows were so deadly and dangerous that they would’ve killed me if I hadn’t been serious. But I was firmly in control of my life, I argued against all wise counsel and chose my own ways, and I was proud about it. But I found myself in places that did not protect me, I was exposed to the deadly consequences of certain sins and I had no support. I found myself drifting further and further. I began to deeply study other religions for signs of absolutes. I was desperate for answers, I searched for a truth that would convict me and provide answers for all doubts that I had encountered over twenty three years of living, I also wanted to know who God was.., in short.., I wanted to feel Him and not know about Him.., I wanted to test Him to such an extent that I would come away either struck by lightning or bump my head on his Holy Awesomeness. But once again, I found myself drifting.., I started visiting Hindu temples.., I started visiting ashrams, I began to read revolutionary literature.., but also in my personal life.., I radically changed my actions.., I began to live with a sense of freedom and began to do things that were conventionally wrong. Alcohol, Drugs, Wild rides, wrong crowds, etc.. No matter how much you romanticize wrong, it always costs you bad. I found my life wrecked deeply and badly by the choices made, I found friends deserting me, I was the talk of the town, I found my version of true love disintegrate and self destruct, ruining me in the process.., I found myself in deep depression.., Haunted by my past, haunted by voices that kept accusing me of my flaws, failures, mistakes and blunders.. I found myself encountering a nervous breakdown in which I was close to complete insanity. For two weeks, I confined myself to a room and found myself shuddering with gripping pain, tears and hurt.., I had contemplated death many times over the years, but this time my conviction was real. I was going to jump off from the fourth floor and fall head first to the ground and kill myself in the most brutal way possible. For the first time in my life I felt no fear, inner sense or instinct towards my bad decision. But I wanted to curse, throw my vengeance and my anger at the Lord one last time for His ignorance of me. Imagine my surprise when I encountered Jesus as I screamed wretchedly for help in a last minute burst of clarity. All my life, the inner answer to my prayers in my mind had been emptiness, a wild flurry of confusing imagination and a sense that nobody was listening in, I had threatened the Lord multiple times that I was going to take my life if He didn’t show up and convince me of His actual presence.
Jesus rescued me even though I had not called out to Him directly. I had used the word, ‘God’ in generality, but I remember clearly that it was directed to the God of my childhood whom I clearly did not wish to talk to. What convinced me that I had been rescued by Jesus was the utter, absolute, inner conviction that I had been set free from my darkness, my pain, my shame, my hurt, my wounds and my debts. I could see my mind working without my will, it recreated all of my confusions, my worldly pain and shame and my hurts and my searches for God.., it ended at the foot of the two greatest verses that I have ever known. God is light and in Him there is no darkness at all. 1 John 1:5. and John 14:6, Jesus said, ‘ I am the way, the truth and the life no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.’. Again the creative sequence began unbidden, and created the most stunning display of why Jesus was God in a way that unique, personal and intimate to my heart.., Jesus was explaining to me in great detail that it was He who had saved me and that it was He who I was talking to. For the first time, it felt like God had broken the barriers of human consciousness and directly entered into my memory, my brain and my heart and revealed His true, absolute nature to me. Immediately I wondered what made me so different from the other tens of thousands who had died in prior days.., why was I alone getting another chance..? What made me so special..? I did not want the answers to be my parents prayers.., that did not make me feel special.., once again.., the inner voice began to speak into my heart.., that God had chosen me before the world began.., it told me that I was His priceless treasure and that I was chosen for His service.
The next few days I fell hard in love with Jesus. I couldn’t get enough of Him, I was always talking to Him, I was always kneeling to Him and asking for help. I wanted His help to forgive people who had abandoned me, I wanted His help to be fair to those who had scorned, ridiculed and mocked me, I wanted His help to help me believe deeper in Him.., I couldn’t get enough of Him. Over the course of the next few months, He would never leave me. The greatest miracle was that Jesus was always at my side.., His presence was always there in my heart.., His love was so deep and yet so ready and eager to love and accept me.., Jesus became my closest, most trusted and my only friend.., yet He is no human.., He is God Himself.., and yet He enjoyed a worthless fellow such as myself. His love never left my side for the next 8 months during which I got many supernatural visions, dreams and supernatural impartations of His love. In one dream, I saw His life, His ministry and His time here on earth. He had answered my request long back to know Him and His life here on earth intimately.., and the Lord was faithful to that demand. He revealed His entire life to me in a dream that I was shocked to encounter. For the first time in my life I was shocked to see how the Jesus I presumed I knew and the Jesus of the Bible were two entirely different people. The Jesus that I encountered during my eight long months of love and fellowship and the Jesus that I saw in my dream was so unbelievably kind, gentle, loving, accepting and friendly beyond anything and anyone that I had ever known. I was amazed and lost interest in all earthly and worldly people at that time. Where once I chased love, friendship and acceptance from the world, I now lost interest, and began to do everything in my will to know Him more.., to know Him more deeper and to ask Him for many many supernatural experiences.
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.
John 3:16
But the vision that sticks the most with me was the vision that I got about Hell. I knew that my miraculous escape, rescue and dramatic transformation were anything that I had ever known. All my life I have been bombarded with images of pettiness, with images of people so deeply rooted in ordinariness and meaninglessness that I struggled to find hope in something so radical. But yet here in my own life, in the midst of my own darkness was a light so powerful, so radical and so warm that I could not keep it to myself. I began to talk to everybody that I knew about it, if I was not being direct about it, I was going the indirect route.
It was early one morning when the vision came, it happened a week after I was saved. I call it a vision because it conveys a direct message to you, it connects to you personally, you know something on a deeper level that you normally can’t and it is Godly to its core. It is often a warning, a message or a revelation usually in a prophetic sense. This time it was all three. In the vision, I found myself in a dark place.., so dark and frightening.., yet there was an otherworldly sense of darkness to it, it was not like the familiar dark places that I would gravitate to during the long, humid nights and sit in silence in order to calm myself.., this darkness was filled with anguish, human hopelessness and fear. The vision conveyed to me that I was on the other side of life. I had died, and I was no longer alive. I immediately felt the familiar nerve stimulation begin, I was growing uneasy, anxious and highly scared. Slowly I begin to see a hazy form in the distance.., it was two other people who were coming towards me.., but their faces were forlorn, helpless and tremendously scared beyond their wildest dreams. They knelt down right next to me, I found myself kneeling as well. I saw two demonic spirits right in front of me. They were discussing things between themselves. It was at that time that I became conscious of a tremendous fire in the distance, I quickly realized that I was near a gateway of Hell and I was being sentenced or rather assessed before being thrown into the torments, the horrors and the realities of hell. I began to weep uncontrollably, sob with regret and sorrow.., I had missed my chances, all my life I had played a game of tricks with God and now I had reaped its benefits. I had just found out that it was I who had tricked myself in my great games and willful stubbornness. All my missed opportunities flashed before my eyes, I could hear the demons start talking. They were condemning and throwing one lost soul after another. They went to the first one and began to mock and growl in demonic glee that his life was over and that now they could torment him for eternity. I could see the man’s fear, horror and hopelessness in his eyes and face.., I felt so horrible, scared and sorry for him.., the same happened to the next one as well. I saw them being dragged away, against their will, with violent and murderous rage.., and then it was my turn.., I was sweating, hurting and becoming more and more terrified.., I had dreamt many times of the ways by which demonic beings would torment me if I did find myself in Hell and let me tell you none of them are enjoyable or nice, they are hellish violence played out in my mind. Here I was not protected by the Lord.., and in full vulnerability to these demonic beings. But just as they were about to approach me, I hear their whispers, they are speaking and saying the following…’ We can’t touch him.., His Lord has saved him.., we can’t do anything to him…’ and then in a flash, everything disappeared. Right as this vision ended, I woke up in a cold sweat, in terrified shock and horror, realizing how close I had been to ending up in Hell. The Lord helped me see how deep was His love for me, that was when I began to dedicate my life to serving Him fully.
A few more dreams did come up over the next four years, describing Hellish pain, horror and reality. But they cannot compare to the startling clarity, reality and horror of Hell that my first vision from the Lord offered. I was taken aback by it, shocked and clearly cognizant of Godly patience, love and long suffering in my life as it pertained to me. Friends I warn you with all of my heart to look to Jesus, this world is insulating you from realizing what is truly important.., it desensitizes your mind, your brain and your heart with tv, porn, reality and ordinariness over and over and makes you become bored, tired and exhausted in deeply seeking after GOD as your very life. Friends, let me tell you as a survivor of attempted suicide, and as a saved and rescued individual from God’s wrath, it is very real. To be honest it is more real than what we see, feel and know every day. Hell is eternal, horrible and never ending. It’s torments are horrible, wicked, cruel and unbelievably brutal. Sinners end there, Sinners who have not accepted Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord. Sinners who were too proud to believe in Jesus but chased other gods, goddesses and phony doctrines and religions. Brothers and sisters, I warn you as a brother, an evangelist, as a wounded healer and as a Pastor in training, repent of your ways and Humble yourself before Jesus and ask for His forgiveness, Ask Him to become Lord of your life and give up what you love about this world.., this world is leading you to Hell.., you just don’t see it.., but it does.., Friends, I warn you again.., Save yourself or perish.

Chronicles of an Imperfect Saint.

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I woke up and saw everything around me in terror. My heart racing over what I had seen, felt and done.

What had I done..? What had I done..?

I felt an unearthly fear grip me. I hear the light growl of a street dog in the distance, I hear the familiar sounds of the night in an unsafe neighborhood at unease with the unseen forces of terror that stalk and prowl, I feel my heart beat racing. Was I going to die today..? Did I have the assurance of salvation..? I had been engaging in a dangerous game of backsliding and grace abuse for the past two to three weeks, had I exhausted God’s patience..? Was murder going to become the way that I encountered God before I was to be led towards the fiery, never ending flames of hell..? I began to search for verses in my memory to combat the overpowering, domineering forces inherent in my mind. I tried to remember past experiences where I had been rescued, saved and comforted. I tried to calm myself and stop feeling what I felt. I did not have any luck… I knew the fear that I was feeling all too well. In my spiritual mind, I tried to discern if it was a spirit, if it was a spirit operating the mention of Jesus would yield a breakthrough in some unseen, mystical and supernatural way. The past few weeks I had been swamped with village visits, personal evangelism, preaching, witnessing, writing, shooting for tv, and testifying of the Lord’s power in the town that I was placed by the Lord. It was one of my greatest spiritual longings coming to life, and it had been coming to life in the greatest possible way… But I felt completely disconnected to it all despite being spiritually empowered and able in the greatest way possible. But the simplest way to put it across to you would be that I felt myself staring at it in unbelief. Not the emotional, overwhelming sort of unbelief. But the suspicious, anxious and unthinking kind where I did not even possess a human spark or capacity to comprehend what was at work in my life at the moment.

I had started to work as an evangelist slash (sub sub) assistant pastor to a Theologian, Pastor and Bible Teacher and despite my fears of the past, despite my fears of getting caught in a wrong situation, and getting caught up with some maniacal, Over Righteous Perfectionist whose bruising words of judgment, criticism and condescension would torment me eternally, I had taken a dive because working for the Lord was what I had been created for, it was the reason that I was alive today and it was the only passion in my life that consumed me 24/7. Prior to this dive I had had three months of fiery tests, tremendous mental trials and financial suffering as I quit my job at a Gospel Channel that I had had the pleasure of shepherding, laboring for and being a part of for two years. In that channel I had had my own tv show, I was popular on account of that show and everywhere I went people began to recognize me. As blessed as that made me feel, I could hardly care less.. It was the joy of ministering to people that I enjoyed, I was a wise man who had suffered endless trials and wounds in my past, I knew the perilous side of popularity and I wanted none of it, I enjoyed people finding a reason to talk to me, apart from that I did not particularly enjoy being known as someone who was a collection of television pixels in many houses.. I wished more to be a man of use to the Lord, effective to Him and absolutely of usefulness to the King of Kings who knew the pitfalls, downfalls and the people type who were rampant in my town.. I have always been more concerned about pleasing God than man.

I had my own individual, unique, God created way of ministering and I would usually get offended when people pointed out legal errors in my style that I had never been very thrilled about perfecting, as I had studied the Bible I knew deeply that the Lord chooses certain people for who they are and for who He had created them to be, but He would fill them with Him and then use them in Holy, awe inspiring Power. I get offended because people want me to be like them, to think like them and to talk like them in a Biblical manner, God has given me a different gifting that I find the most satisfaction in, it has enabled me to do His work in a form and fashion that is more about individual healing, understanding and empathy driven counselling, fiery preaching, expository sermonizing, building up deep personal connections, initiating complete engagement and filled with Holy, inspiring and Godly passion. My leadership was more in tune with my Master, Jesus.. I was a man of the people, I hung out with sinners but I fed them truths about the gospel, I prayed fervently for them(if i’m honest right now, it has been weeks since I have prayed for anyone with my style of time), I tried to bring out the best in them, I encouraged them, I supported them and I loved them like I loved myself, or at least attempted to heroically. I allowed them to be them self and I was wise about their nature, since I observed, studied and understood them in ways that they probably have not had the joy of being accepted. All such abilities come along with my Godly anointing, power and filling. It is the Power of the LORD that has helped me perform things that I am thoroughly incapable of. I was created for a different purpose, I was not created to please men, I was created to please God. I was a man of God, no matter how many times I say it I find it hard to believe and accept.

Growing up I never had a feel for my talents, gifts and uniqueness. I only found myself wounded since I was always overlooked, underappreciated and never recognized.

The worst part about the last few weeks was that I was underfed in my spirit. My prayers had been very distracted, filled with all kinds of fears, fraught with nervous tension, wary of Godly punishment and aloof from Biblical confrontation. I always have observed how the Lord grows sharp in rebuke the further I emotionally disconnect from Him. I enjoy that actually since i’m the exact same way. I know that only love has that quality. But it has taken me time to understand it, since I have always felt personally hurt with punishment since I grew up, a fearful, awkward, shy and self conscious kid. Academically I was poor, teachers rarely praised,admired, acknowledged my existence or even enjoyed my presence… As a matter of fact nobody that I knew acknowledged me, I was unseen, invisible and deemed unworthy. I was not loved for who I was, I was seen for who I was not. I was always at the bottom of the food chain.. words such as weak student, failure, slow learner, inept, foolish and other hurtful words in the Tamil language were bestowed upon me often. I gradually learned to look at myself based on the treatment, the words and the acceptance that I received. This was not frequent, but happened 80 percent of the time. It was always implied though, and my intuition has always been on point.

My parents were often informed of my low grades, and I felt humiliation at being such a poor example of my parents at my first school. I knew my parents story, they had worked so hard to come to where we were at the moment, and here I was ruining their name, their image and their pride. I felt shame about it, but I never talked about it, but it was something that I always felt even though there are tons of negatives about me. Very early on I could pick out social themes around me , one of them was inequality, I could understand why people looked over me, I could understand why they saw dark skin and saw it as something that reminded them of ugliness.., it reminded them of the ditch, the crows and unattractiveness. So you can clearly see the k I couldn’t understand why they still didn’t feel that even such a sort of inferior person, atleast in their eyes .. Still how they felt that such a person did not deserve kindness, respect and love is beyond me.. Culturally people grow up humanistically foolish.. My different world has always enabled me to be deeply humane despite all of my flaws.

So from my narrative you can sense the kind of emotional baggage that I possess in my heart towards being confrontational, controlling, judgmental and being criticized. All these experiences have drained into my nature a kind of individualistic, independence with a protective rebelliousness, where I learned to protect myself through self imposed isolation and emotional distance. I could understand why.. God has always given me deep understanding, but what I struggled, wrestled with and was unable to come to terms with was the question How. How could people disrespect and be so unkind..? How could people kill..? How could people humiliate others and never ask sorry..? How could people be so cruel to somebody else..? How..? How..?

At my first school, Inequality was implied, reinforced and taught consciously and unconsciously, at my second school it was worse. In the Indian education system teachers were allowed to punish, hit and hurt students back in my day. The motive was to make students succeed, I wonder if it has ever accomplished that though. For four long years, I went to a hostel where I encountered this in full force. I had failed 8th grade in my first school, which meant that I had to repeat it once again. Deeply depressed and hungry for a new experience, I asked my mother to enroll me in a school that I felt would make me stronger. Growing up around rich kids, privileged kids and amongst kids who knew how to express themselves with pride, strength and arrogance.. I felt weak, inferior, ugly, unattractive, undesired, left over and untalented. At my next school, my academic and socializing inabilities encountered bullying, teasing, cruel physical punishment, taunting, fights, pride, strength, force and verbal punishment. I was the one who was always punished the most, the one who felt the sickness in the system the most and the one who felt the hurt of others the most, growing up I could never sense anybody have the kind of heart for the suffering like I did. I say that with all humility, since the school that I studied at after failing eight grade implied that one had the license to be arrogant by brute force and be recognized as some sort of man. I can only laugh at the foolishness of all such imbeciles and snobs now, but still I have the humbling, my own pride breaking sense to also reach out with compassion to the bully in the same manner that I reach out to the suffering.

Punishment meant that I was unloved, rebuke meant that I was inferior, I knew that I couldn’t treat the Lord this way, as strong as it made me feel to have the power to stay within protective distance from the Lord’s rod of correction, I knew deeply well that I wouldn’t be able to stand a minute of His distance.., I would self destruct if He were to abandon and neglect me.., I would gladly murder myself if He were to distance Himself away from me forever. I can’t bear His distance, I can’t bear Him not enjoying me, I can’t bear Him being apart from me even though i’m an idiot who forgets things and acts belligerently and disrespectfully. More than seeing God as God, I view Him through the lens of my need.. Chiefly my inner most needs of wanting love at all times, at all costs and during all times. If He were to abandon me, I would revert to my former self, with all its demonic oppression, lies, fears and deep deep anxieties.

It had frightened me to my deepest core. The nightmare ie. But I sighed as I felt the absence of the deep darkness that I had felt as soon as I had woken up. I felt a deep burden lift from my the depths of my soul. The burden of my past and the promise of the future and my human inability to comprehend the power of both unsettled me, I wrestle when the burden of it all gets too much for my fragile human heart to handle. Christ has released me from the prison, the torment, mental suffering, the agony and the mental anguish of my past, but I still struggle to understand the difference. I can feel the presence of familiar strongholds, in my life they were not only based on personal suffering of the academic kind, they were of the highly sensitive kind, they were of the artistic kind, they were rooted to the chaos of a culture blind to the power of life in all its gory, brutal realities, I see too much, sense too much, feel too much and realize too much. I wish that I didn’t know what I know. But I do, and Christ is the only power capable of helping me from such an insane, deep evil at work in the human mind, in the outer fabric, layer, nature and power of reality as it manifests itself in places, people and situations.

Blackness.., blackness possessed the room. I could hear the deep slumbering whimpers of my canine lying next to me. I realized that the Lord had woken me up to pray. I was leaving for a trip, and He always knew how overwhelmed I got in unfamiliar places. He was asking me to pray to Him, He was asking me to rest in Him, to be refreshed in spirit and to talk to Him since He knew how hurt I had been in my last few trips after being ignored, rejected and unpleasantly treated by people. I immediately felt my own confusions stirring, why did I have to ask Him in order to gain it..? Didn’t my Heavenly Father know whatever I wished, required and wanted before I could find words to speak them..? Why did I have to ask Him..? My questions only aroused my deepest confusion, I wouldn’t be able to understand why I felt the way I felt, but I knew that my spiritual man needed to encounter Him. This was my spiritual mind at work, stuff that I can never explain with reason, even though I can if I wish to.

In my nightmare I had encountered a gang of hooligans, who wished to harm me and I had physically assaulted one of them out of self defense. He fell to the floor, bleeding and hurt. In my dream he dies, I immediately run away from that place, alarmed at my act and deeply disturbed by my own viciousness. Prior to this sequence, I had made a friend, and he invites me to a posh, three star restaurant and he has been sacked by that establishment, and I feel protective of him and wish to defend him. I knew that my violent attack in the nightmare was derived from my recent travels.., I had passed through Vellore’s prisons a week ago on route to an all night prayer, and I imagined the evil at work in the cruelty of the system that was godless, perverse and inhuman. I had shuddered at the thought of ending up there, my dream used that fear.., My current ministry also involves that I spread the gospel to the nearby villages that lie in scores all around my town, villages where the demonic Hindutva faction RSS are deeply rooted in. They are well known for using violence as a weapon to assault evangelists and preachers. I naturally feel fearful despite the thick sheet of God’s presence always around me, India is a cruel place for evangelists.., and persecution is a hidden truth.., but that’s the price that one pays for loving Christ.. I find that fear also woven into the nightmare.., I also sense the anger that I had felt in the evening towards a group of young guys at the ground that I played at. Their nature was so proud, haughty, rebellious, self loving and disrespectful.. in a spurt of emotion, I had imagined myself combatting those guys and teaching them some basic manners, this too was present in that dream. Over the past few days, my dreams had elicited fear and danger, these were themes that I was always discerning about in my life, not only as a former prisoner of fear, but as a prisoner of Christ wary of worldly realities that satan wished to preserve at all costs. I felt a spirit of fear at work in that nightmare, but the Lord was speaking more powerfully to me that I was around violent, demonic powers and that I needed to protect myself in His power.

I didn’t need any further prompting. I got off the bed, and opened the door and went to the Hall.

I knew that the city that I was heading to was tremendously difficult to stomach after my powerful experience with the Lord four or so years ago. Four years ago, the city had been my home for the better part of 7 years. In it I had grown up to become the man that I was right now, the city was like my mother.., I learned, grew confident in myself and learned to take charge.. But right now as an artist, writer and evangelist things would be different… I would not only see physical uncleanness, dirt, endless unkind and foul realities.. I would be barraged and assaulted by endless unkind, vile and disrespectful things that would make me sick to my stomach since the Bible is clear that God Himself begins to live within us after we are saved, and the Lord is hurt by a world of unkindness, uncleanness and hate. The thing that would hurt me the most as an evangelist would be the spiritual reality: scores and scores of diverse people groups divided by race, creed, nationality, social standing etc etc walking around having not even the most fundamental knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. The attractiveness of people there would intimidate and confound me, the ease and comfort of people’s confidence would hurt and wound me, the intelligence and ability of people there would make me feel insignificant and useless.. My natural resources dry up the moment I hit its shores. I can only thrive and survive with Jesus power.

Godly power has enabled me to evangelize to most of my former friends in some shape, degree and fashion, all to the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ. I have loads and loads of basketball teammates, friends in petrol bunks, friends working behind the counter of the In and out stores.., watchmen and security guards.., auto drivers, homeless bums, flower sellers, beggars.. In my eyes, much like my Lord, everyone is a friend. I live that out, and I love that it is the way it is. I have always hated limits, rules and boundaries between people. In my life prior to encountering Christ.., I enjoyed conversing with people from different religions, different thinking styles.., I had among my friends.. Homosexuals, transgenders, shady types, bike mechanics, atheists who blasphemed the Lord routinely, Fanatics, people who blatantly did not like me.., but I was intrigued by them even though I have felt hurt on numerous occasions, I still enjoyed their personality, their person and their presence.., I had no thoughts about their sins.., their lifestyle and their mistakes.. In my eyes, I myself struggled with numerous sins, what made me so different from them all..? I still feel the same way.., God has enabled me to love people more powerfully since then.., where I couldn’t comprehend their choices, habits and lifestyle.., as a reformed man of God I can comprehend it.., and I see the staleness that sins create in a human soul. There is no art, no beauty in sin.., it only corrupts, destroys and breaks.., and now I do my best to save, rescue and help people with the living gospel of Jesus Christ which I believe with my life, my full heart and with all my mind.

This is why I love that city so much, it helps me experience people so different from me. I can’t wait to get there despite my natural fears, hesitations and anxieties.

I would like to leave you all finally with a moral from a recent experience that I had with one of my great friends. Part of my personal evangelism ensures that I hang out with tremendously difficult people who have nothing in common with me, but I plunge into camraderie, debate, conversation and endless attempts to win souls over, both to Christ and into a brotherly fellowship with me where I lead them into a deeper knowledge, power and understanding of Jesus Christ. The ending result is that I find myself facing intimidation, heartbreak, I encounter the shallow, nonspiritual nature of men, I encounter tremendous tremendous frustration, embarrassment, shame and awkwardness. I enjoy it deeply despite my well known aversion of any kind of pain. I literally have to stalk and follow people who want nothing to do with me, or with my calling, or with the Lord that I love so dearly in my heart of hearts despite my incredible weaknesses.

After my split from Tv ministry, the Lord paired me up with a friend i’d like to call Captain Wonder, which is his nickname by the way. He and I are worlds apart, but connected both by blood and by faith. He is my brother in Christ and I love him dearly, and affectionately.. But I was having trouble dealing with his way of looking at things recently. I had sent a story of mine that I wanted him to read. I know well how deeply restless his soul is, and how impatient he is, and how being outrageously extroverted is all that he knows. Still I wanted him to know my thoughts, my stories and my soul. I sent him the link to my wordpress account. I had chosen a story that I had written three years ago about a young man in a new city. I had gone through great efforts to send him that link, since finding this particular story meant that I spend half an hour searching through my posts since I have written around 400-500 of them. I also don’t share my works with people, since I know that their insecurity often parades as criticism and insight. Five minutes later, I get a reply from him stating that I used too many commas, full stops and that he couldn’t understand what I meant. Naturally I was hurt, upset and discouraged by his reply, but I wished to overlook it.

A few days passed and then he sent his writings to me. He had had a dramatic encounter at a temple in Thiruvanamalai a few years ago, which is a local religious hotspot for hindu devotees who view it as some sort of mystical shrine of their gods.. Wasting his life around material excess and moral confusion, he felt his soul encounter the truth of Christ in a place as spiritually dead as Thiruvanamalai. That touch had inspired him to walk with Christ, although he was struggling with direction and witness. I went over his written message, I enjoyed its vulnerability, I enjoyed its emotions and I enjoyed its effort. I understood what it meant, I understood also its unspoken emotion. If I had used his same critique about grammar, language and punctuation, his work was a disorderly mess. A casual reader would’ve discarded it the moment he would’ve picked it up. His understanding of the language was as astounding as his complete ignorance of how to use it with power, imagination and conveying a story. His thoughts had no order, it did not have the power to convey what he wished to say, his grammar was as correct as the random order of stuff in a garbage can. His understanding of his profound spiritual insight was as uninspiring as a cold wave of the sea with no color and life… These are observations that speak about the outer nature of things.. Which is the Biblical way.. the Bible points out outer ugliness to correct an inner dysfunction…I did not wish to gloat over my glee at his inability, I was a wounded healer and a preacher who often used both roles to convey scriptural truths. It was not his offensive response to my story that bugged me, it was more than that. I have a fellowship that met regularly on thursdays, where he is an active member. He has supported, provided for and shouldered that ministry from the start. But there were personal attitudes that were very demeaning, controlling, confused and power driven that I wished to help him understand, give him the inspiration to change and draw him closer to Jesus which was my ultimate goal. Working directly with people helps one understand the immense spiritual distance that exists between God and man, and how man often times assumes the greatest things about himself which are often deceptive and untrue.

I called him up and asked him if we could eat outside. He readily agreed. We hit up a local tandoori place and were very soon sinking our teeth into some grilled barbecue chicken, one of the finest in Vellore. I asked him about how things were going, I asked him the condition of his faith and his day. Midway through, in his method of apologizing he opened up about why he couldn’t read it. I asked him if he was ready for a few spiritual insights..? To which he replied that he was. I asked him how he would feel if his hardwork, endless nights of frustration, blood, sweat and tears ended up in a person’s hands and he dismissively cast it aside.. Understanding the response and trying to use familiarity as a way of encountering it, he talked about how he could understand what I was saying, and that he knew why I was saying the stuff that I was saying. Ministry work has helped me see that people often upset by making you feel upset in a way that is very subtle, but avoids an exposition of things that they are rebelling in.

I empathized with his convicting pain, I told him that this was how most of us were like towards the Lord, and that we were so blatantly disrespectful towards Him and His wants but pester and get from Him things that we want. I told my friend that we are all least concerned about the Lord’s feelings but only consumed by our own. I told him as a friend that I myself was an ugly sinner whose good works were like filthy rags, but that Christ enables me serve, love and obey Him. He grew silent, maybe for the first time in decades he learned to see a thing in the eyes of God’s most intense longing for humanity. The Lord makes us to become like Him. He enjoys who we are, but He knows that we can only touch the world if we are like Him.

Friends, I leave you with these stories, personal accounts and discoveries until the next time. God bless you and may you discover the king of Kings and know and understand that He is the ultimate treasure, passion and life worth living for.

Unfulfilled Longings – Fictional Short Story

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I’ve been trying to forget her for a long long time and failing really badly at it. It felt like I enjoyed how I felt about her to such an intensity that I struggled to let it go.., but I knew that I had to. God had strictly asked me to let her go.., but I am not a powerful Creator who is mature and absolutely perfect, and who has never made mistakes for billions upon billions of years.., I struggle with my humanity, I struggle with my version of love which involves me falling for people that I like but to whom I can never become loved in their own version of reality. I know that life is unfair this way.. but I get it.., I really do.., It’s not exactly a delightful truth.., but you gradually begin to take it impersonally and learn to accept people for their mistakes and maybe forgive them someday, and accept the fact that their rejection of you is no fault of their own.. It’s just that they can’t see deep inside of your soul, your inner person and your hidden character. People are blind to what is unseen, and the unseen is the very birthplace of romantic love.

It was a dream that helped me remember her again. I would be lying if I were to tell you that she was never in my thoughts. Her name was ingrained into my brain, a mere uttering of her name brought delights into me that prompted much fancy and imagination. She had blocked me on instagram, and on facebook she avoided my messages. She had even friendzoned me in the past, did the universal women’s code for disinterest by not replying to any of my messages for a year, and the last time that she had breezed in acting like there was nothing wrong between us.., she acted like she and I talked daily for hours upon hours.., she played with my feelings before leaving as quickly as she came. Nothing new here. Just a universal female act and drama, since I am highly sensitive.., I felt the familiar meltdown and inner accusation begin. I wrestled with thoughts that insulted my lack of self restraint, I heard voices of painful condemnation that let me know that I should’ve known better with all my years of experiencing rejection. Rejection did not sit well with me.., it would be a thorn in my flesh and sting deep and hurt deep whenever my mind wished to torment me. Perhaps i’m in a war with finding love.

I should describe to you the dream. I remember it vaguely. But the message and the moral of it was clear, it was defeat. I was suffering defeat and rejection from her. If you know me, you should know well that I don’t take defeat well. I remember those who have defeated me, it’s like a curse.., even though Christ has helped me forgive them.., I can’t easily forget those in whose presence I suffered embarrassment, shame and disgrace. As a man, I would avenge my losses.., I had to struggle with such feelings in my faith and force myself to let it go. What I loved about Christ was that, He helped me see that my inner problems were far more greater than the problems of the world and far more dangerous and deadly than all the celebrities, famed ones and writers.

I have no clue as to what triggered me to dream about her. I remember that week well, my faith had just overcome a deadly fear of facing murderous henchmen as I preached the gospel. All day long I would be bombarded by these images, it felt like I was drowning in them and the voices would condemn me about my fears, and about my lack of courage.., and they would whisper that they knew that I was afraid to die for Christ. No matter how strong I attempted to make myself courageous, I lost heart.., because all my life I’ve been afraid of pain, of suffering, of falling victim to poverty, of losing my parents to an accident.., and to many horrors that were all too common in my world. But I remember the LORD just transferring a strange sense of inner burning within me. I was burning and burning within myself, in my heart and just on fire for Christ. I witnessed people drawn to the Gospel and it felt surreal.. how was it possible in this town brimming with strong inner tensions and spiritual evils..? It felt like the fire was living within me made the gospel become more truer than human understanding and affirmations could confirm. I started to receive incredible dreams, many of them were prophetic..,revealing things about my life and calling that I did not wish to be true.

The Lord was again asking me stop longing after her. Believe me when I say to you that I tried to forget her.., I really really did.. but not really. No disrespect to the Lord.., but I couldn’t understand what that even meant. For three years I had stayed pure, moral and single. Despite a bit of fame, I was a saint in my public life, I resisted temptation and ran away from fair maidens in an attempt to please God and to reveal to Him that I was serious about Him this time. I still struggled with lusts in my personal life, but I never gave up in my vision to become more and more Godly. She seemed to initiate in me a delight and joy that I didn’t have a reference to compare it to. I fell for her three years before in a way that I had not done in my entire life, and believe me I’ve fallen many times into empty one sided infatuations. I knew that the Lord’s sharpness of language was done more out of a protective instinct.., i’ve been around Him enough to sense that the deeper and the more deadlier the danger, the sharper His language becomes. I’ve picked up on nuances when i’m around Him.., He speaks a lot when He is still, silent and non-responsive. The Lord is my best friend, I’ve learned to trust Him and even love Him when He is angry and upset with me.., I love how passionate, zealous and possessive He is of me.. even though I pathetically suck at things like immediate obedience. I fail to satisfy Him, but He satisfies me more than words can ever comprehend.

The dream started with me in a place filled with busy people. The people around me felt like they were worldly, a theme that my spirit feels a deep seated unrest with. Since I could always sense that there was something wrong with the picture that I was forced to live in, and I grew always in a state of rattled nerves and disturbed confusion of the world around me. She was there.., I refuse to say her name since it triggers intense longings,wishes and dreams. But she was there.. Perhaps the whole dream was indicative of why she said no to me. I have mistakenly and accidentally tied the knot to somebody for whom I feel nothing, and I am overcome with sorrow at my choice. She meanwhile is stronger than my emotional dilemma, she is stronger to push herself to reach professional success.., I feel like the visual scene despite being hazy was a mixture of college energy and professional glory.., and I could sense another character as well.., a character who possessed her, it was not love.., but it was more of a symbol of belonging. She belonged to him.., he had her wrapped in his fingers despite her fiery, independent nature. And as the reality sinks into me, I break down in shame and defeat. I shudder with my hands above my head in tears, and nobody pays me any notice in this scene. As a fan of Jung, I can read much into the yearnings,the themes and the way that they play out. But I’m convinced that this means that she is trouble. Trouble for my spirit, trouble for my heart and trouble for my mind. I had to abort all of my longings for her that were spawning endless stories, poems and dialogues that I wrote like scripts.. memorizing their ability to transport me to an imaginary confrontation with her.

I woke up feeling melancholic, irate and fully clear about what that dream conveyed, even though I hadn’t discovered the words to explain it yet. I initially struggled to hastily speak this dream to a Gifted Dream interpreter, since the Lord has not enabled that gift within me much to my hurt and pain. I get dreams though, every now and then, it feels like the Lord does not me to become a vision interpreter, or a seer.., and I struggle to deal with that. But I guess it’s okay, even though it’s not. If only I could do something about it, if only I could.

I still remember running into her for the first time. I was just recovering from alcoholic addiction and desperately wanted to stay away from temptation. It was on one of those short story sites, I wrote haunting, melancholic and incomplete stories brimming with passion, love and sadness. I wrote what I struggled to let go. I wrote what saddened me about people that I knew who lived with broken spirits, and I wrote to console other lost souls struggling with similar themes. Believe it or not, my writing was far better then. No, seriously it was.. I had had a dramatic encounter with Jesus Christ, and that had flipped me over upside down, all the fears that had bound me and destroyed me inwardly were asked to leave. I knew that they were fallen spirits, evil to their core.. Who belonged to a realm that the non spiritual eye and mind could not see. The Bible was the only way through which people understood the reality of these dark, hideous beings who worked for lucifer, they enjoyed destroying a man through his mind. I have literally been near the shore of madness, I have stared at myself through the eyes of madness, I know well that only Christ rescued me from such a dangerous and dark evil. My Savior did incredible wonders for me, chiefly to my creative tools, He reminded me time and time again that my imagination, my love for words, stories and my love to understand people as stories came from Him. He even reminded me of His own style of speaking to people through parables the truths of Heaven.

Writing became easier for me because God’s presence in my heart, mind and soul was doing wonders for my creativity. His gift of a new spirit added newer dimensions to my thoughts, to my fertile imagination and to my human longings. My stories were vivid, deep, clear and less tormented.., but yet they were haunting since they spoke truthfully of the sadness of unfulfilled love. How ironic that one such story prompted her friendship..? I still can’t understand why she talked to me.., her friends..i.e her profile friends were well established artists, connoisseurs and craftsmen.. I was an unseen artist who lived for creative glory and art. I’ve often wondered if it was a deception sparked by the fallen ones done in order to remind me of my past blunders and romantic suffering or if it was an incident where I assumed that she was my God ordained muse, lover and wife. I tend to forget often that I am not attractive in some people’s eyes.., especially over an electronic space.., where millions of people portray parts and bits of them in order to draw, lure and attract souls in a revolting worship. It’s not easy for someone to really discover you in the way and intensity that you wish to be found.

I had written a tremendously upbeat tragedy of a love affair. I had utilized the settings to create emotional .. Much like Scorsese’s love for neighborhoods.., I painted a vivid picture of Madras.., and poured into it the longings of human beings beguiled and desperate for love, but often wounding seekers by rapidly retreating. The hero was a struggling writer, the heroine was an Anglo-Indian.., The writer’s friend has a thing for him, and it is her friend who is the heroine.., they are drawn to each other.., but being the rationalist that the heroine is she reasons everything.., and plays a dangerous game of engaging and disengaging the hapless hero, who struggles to find a muse, and a proper intuitive settings for his love. Much of it was from my own life obviously, the heroine character was someone that I had wrongly fallen for at a friend’s wedding. I never saw her again.. Ever. I wished to memorize and commemorate her intrusion into my life with a story that I had written over many many sad songs.

She waltzed in with her usual, girly feminism and joy. Sparkling a conversation that was overwhelming, unexpected and deeply useful for a recovering alcoholic, she revealed everything about herself on that first day. I am still surprised by how in control I was on that particular day, midway through our many hour long conversation…her joy at meeting a genuine artist had faded, my charm had faded and she slwoly began to realize that she was out of control. Reason entered, warnings entered, multiple news stories of creeps online entered her mind.., she freaked and got distant. I could swear to you that on that first day – she fell for me, that she fell in love with me. I might sound desperate, unreasonable and clingy but believe me it’s true. But after that something changed. She never opened up, I wondered rationally if she felt that she didn’t wish to lead me on, I wondered if it was something about how I looked in my online profile, or was it some feminine danger radar that had alerted her.. I didn’t know. By then I had flung my well reasoned control out, and started to become more honest with her.. I would have to wait for hours to get her online, and when she was there she was distant.., aloof, detached.. She didn’t open up.., she spoke briefly and left. There would be occasional signs of life.., a post of mine would get liked.., or she would send some song suggestion on Facebook directly to my messenger.., but after that again the deafening silence would continue… how we had vibed together as people the first time never happened another time.. I could sense her longings, her desires.., but yet again the block was there….I would send non creepy messages well stretched over a space of time, well stretched over months.., and again her defense was impregnable. Something was up. I started to divert my mind, I had been down this road one too many times before, I was on the brink of eternity.. I didn’t wish to fall back into the pit from which the Lord had saved me from. Because I knew with spiritual discernment that it always ended up in the same romantic hell – unfulfilled agony and endless inner hurt. I wanted to protect myself and take myself out of the situation. Because I knew so many souls who were still chasing something they believed was true a million years ago. This was the real ugly nature of female interaction, they start more doubts than calm one’s fears.

After many months and months of shame, defeat and hurt. I walked down to the Lord and asked Him to help me. Can you believe that..? I had forgotten all about my best friend the whole time on this one issue alone and run down yet another fruitless rabbit hole..? How absurd and idiotic. From His comforting side, I stared down into my choice and realized how blind I had been to all the danger signs. I finally allowed myself to be still and comforted myself with my Lord, I was not wrong for believing in something true, noble and beautiful between two human souls.. People are more calculated when it came to matters of the human heart, let’s just say that I believed in it with more innocence, truth and effort.

So that’s the whole deal.. but hey this could’ve happened to anyone right..?

Is there Someone out there – Poem

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Is there someone out there who can talk to us..?
Who can talk for us..?
Who can live, breathe and feel like the way we feel…?
Do these walls resonate the truths of fallen gods..?
I am the sum of all the streets that I have walked.., all the roads that I had to walk,
I am a rhyme filled with power burning with fire,
how can a man be an absolute inspiration..?
How can his being so at odds with power become a torch..?
How can art not demand soul, life and breath..?
Who can silently enter into the mysterious realm of inner shadows and chronicle, assess and discover the vastness of the inner scenario..?

Stupid Love bound me

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I always fall for the wrong person. I always do.

I don’t know how I do it.., but I always do.

I mess up.., I catch feelings for them.., realize that they are either engaged, married, not interested, or some horrific reality that my heart fears like an inescapable heartbreak.

Why do I have this tendency..? Am I alone in this or are there other people like me out there in the world..?

It takes me a lot of time to recover.., I try to suppress this urge.., I try to be positive.., but I can’t help it.., I am created to seek love and to love. I can’t share this to people that I know.., they are quick to judge, condemn.., and worse yet not listen to the cry of my soul. I am not exactly asking for people to praise my choice of mates.., Nah.., I know that i’m impulsive.., lack proper judgment and too easily impressed by outer appearances. All I’m truly asking for is someone to listen for a change and not respond.

Sometimes this inability to discover love.., it feels like a wound to the heart.., I walk around all day hurt.. and it feels like I hurt in a place that I can never discover, reach and understand.., and it feels like its a place that connects to some eternal inward ocean that lies within me.., I am confused and not exactly cognizant of what I am supposed to do with this enormous wound in my soul. It walks with me.., it feels like my shadow.., in the darkness it asks me to curl up and weep sometimes.., I don’t understand what all of this means.., am I supposed to give up and grieve..? Or is this a sadness of the soul to be stuck in a world of fake art..? Is this a nervous breakdown of the human spirit in an inability to cope with a world filled with actors, surface level deviants and people with heartless, indifferent hearts..?

The problem with me as far as I am concerned is that I love.., too easily.., too readily and too deeply.., it is probably a curse for those who are not attractive on the surface. I was probably created for love.., I enjoy offering it to people. Not the romantic version obviously.., obviously.. Obviously.. that is a couples thing.

You know what I truly hate..? Advice. I feel like an old soul.., any word of advice that anybody can ever offer to me.., I feel like I know it intuitively. But the worst part is that I despise those who offer advice since it feels like they are determined to speak like they know it all.., have done it all and understand it all. More often than not it feels like a spiteful irritation of the old to wound the young for mistakes made by the old when they had been young. Like I said, I feel too deeply.., I feel beyond what is spoken, what is conveyed and beyond what is offered. I sense through pain the traces of a soul in engagement to a complex world.

Sometimes when I am awake in the nights.., and which is all the time I tell you.., I hate to sleep.., it feels so difficult to master. I may have a bit of an insomnia problem.., anyway coming back to my relationship with the night.., at times it is so serene, so silent, so eerie and so unreal that you can hear sounds from a colony a few hundred meters away, and it does shock you in the way that you expect something unexpected to happen but it doesn’t.., and this is how it is for the entire night.., until 4 am.., since wakefulness has started and normality returns and the dark, shadowy veil of the night is lifted and I can go and fall asleep.

I am what I see – Poem

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I am what I see,
I will speak what I see and you should listen without interrupting.
For you cannot know me from what you see on the outside..,
I am finding my way through what I see..,
I am finding a way through what I hear..,
I am finding a way through what I feel..,
What I see and hear ends up becoming what I feel,
What I feel ends up becoming my response to reality..,
What is my reality ends up becoming my ideas.., my thoughts and my feelings.
I imagine a world different from what I see..,
for what I see is all too out there without reference.., meaning and intent..,
the world I see.., the bronze dark skins that walk past me.., the secluded open houses that stand beside.., the dusty streets.., the speeding cars.., the ironed workers hiding behind the prison of the eyes..,
I am influenced by the ingredients of what I see but still I dream..,
I dream of delight.., of joy.., of happiness…, of love.., of respect.., of greatness..,
and in these are my thoughts.., but I see what I feel not.